Love my wife but not attracted.

[radmillerdad]

I'm new to site and want some good constructive advise on my recent marriage.

 

3 years ago I met a girl, we went on a few dates and she got pregnant with my son and we have been both single parents while trying to date on and off. My relocated me out of state which made me realize I didn't think of how much I would miss my best friend and my son so we decided to get married. Now that we are married I find myself loving my wife by not sexually attracted to her. She has gained a lot of weight and worked out but her diet of craving sweets pretty much cancels out all the hard work she puts into working out and this is a tender subject to bring up.

 

I work full time and she is a full time Mother. I keep my mouth shut when I come home from work, realize very little housework has been done and end up doing a majority chores that she didn't do throughout the day. She takes very good care of our child and I respect that, she is an amazing mother. Another problem is that I feel that our marriage is not 50/50 which I know isn't going to be a constant but when I find my eye wandering to other more attractive women I feel like a pervert with dirty thoughts. Cheating is not at option and I feel like a dirtbag when it happens because she deserves better.

 

I crave sex, but I only crave my wife when she puts in the effort to pull her weight in the marriage(no pun intended), which I feel is minimum. She wants sex twice a day and I would love to help if I were attracted to her. Meanwhile, she feels like she can't do anything right, unappreciated, and that I'm not attracted to her. I try to remedy that and give her backrubs, tell her how beautiful she is, and how much I love her. We have the most perfect 2 1/2 yr old child in the world and I need to make this work for him. She is still my best friend but I dont feel like I can currently offer what she needs. What is wrong with me?

 

I probably left a lot of stuff out but ask questions and let me know if anyone else is experiencing the same.

Edited June 11, 2013 by radmillerdad
Clarifying my thoughts.

[dichotomy]

She takes very good care of our child and I respect that, she is an amazing mother.

 

She wants sex twice a day and I would love to help if ......

 

 

On behalf of sex starved husbands everywhere - forget the chores, suck it up, think happy thoughts (any you wish), and get in there and work your wife hard...like P90X hard.... twice a day. No better way to work up a sweat, burn calories and flood her brain with happy chemicals - lift her out depression and put her energized for the day's household management.

 

Night and morning - for the next several months - you might be surprised at how it will change her and you.

Edited June 11, 2013 by dichotomy

[KathyM]

On behalf of sex starved husbands everywhere - forget the chores, suck it up, think happy thoughts (any you wish), and get in there and work your wife hard...like P90X hard.... twice a day. No better way to work up a sweat, burn calories and flood her brain with happy chemicals - lift her out depression and put her energized for the day's household management.

 

Night and morning - for the next several months - you might be surprised at how it will change her and you.

^^^ Good advice. You could also invite her to do other things with you that involve activity, such as going for a walk, going dancing, going hiking, biking, or whatever interests both of you. If you suggest it, she might be interested, just for the fun of it, but it also helps to burn calories. You could also suggest to her that you would like to start eating healthier, and both take turns cooking the dinner and go grocery shopping together. Suggest the more healthy snacks while at the store, such as frozen yogurt instead of ice cream, and a variety of fruit instead of cookies and candy. There are also sweets in the dieting isle that are low calorie but still taste really good. I've substituted those for the regular sweets in my diet, and they taste just as good. Although I am normal weight, it's very easy to gain weight if I don't watch what I eat. Although ultimately it is up to her to want to eat healthier and change her lifestyle, there is still some things you can do to encourage her in a positive way, as I mentioned above. A lot of married men would love to have a wife that was interested in sex twice a day. Count your blessings and work on what you can do to change your lifestyle with her (activity level and change in eating habits).

[Thegameoflife]

What horrible advice. I'm in a similar position myself, and neither post offers any useable solutions. More sex isn't the answer, because lots of sex was probably happening during the period where the weight was being gained, and as she started to slack off on everything else. More sex won't help. Also, you can only motivate someone who acknowledges a problem, and wants to change themselves.

 

My advice is to seek couseling, so it's not just coming from just you. Be prepared to make tough choices.

[KathyM]

What horrible advice. I'm in a similar position myself, and neither post offers any useable solutions. More sex isn't the answer, because lots of sex was probably happening during the period where the weight was being gained, and as she started to slack off on everything else. More sex won't help. Also, you can only motivate someone who acknowledges a problem, and wants to change themselves.

 

My advice is to seek couseling, so it's not just coming from just you. Be prepared to make tough choices.

Oh, so advising him to set an example of eating healthy and staying active, and inviting his wife to do active things with him, including sex, and negotiating changes in their shopping and food preparation is bad advice, but somehow insisting the wife see a counselor so the counselor can put pressure on her to make those changes is the answer, or divorcing the wife is the answer. Hopefully, you never get married if you have that attitude. Your wife gains some weight--send her to a counselor to fix her. Or throw her out. Yeah, some real good advice there.

[Thegameoflife]

Oh, so advising him to set an example of eating healthy and staying active, and inviting his wife to do active things with him, including sex, and negotiating changes in their shopping and food preparation is bad advice, but somehow insisting the wife see a counselor so the counselor can put pressure on her to make those changes is the answer, or divorcing the wife is the answer. Hopefully, you never get married if you have that attitude. Your wife gains some weight--send her to a counselor to fix her. Or throw her out. Yeah, some real good advice there.

 

I said it was unusable advice. Do you think her problems are simply laziness and weight gain, or are those symptoms of other problems? Considering the issues he's illustrated about her self-esteem problems, I'd say more is at play. Also, weight gain and apathy towards household chores shows that she has self-motivation problems, as well as self image problems. They need professional help to isolate the root of these, and work on them. He can have sex with his wife twice a day, work out, eat well, and nothing will change because she has to solve her problems, and she needs to hear it from someone who isn't her husband. If she's unwilling to do anything to remedy her problems, yes, he will have to decide whether he wants to stay with a women he's no longer attracted to, or leave.

[Eggplant]

I keep my mouth shut when I come home from work, realize very little housework has been done and end up doing a majority chores that she didn't do throughout the day.

Rather then letting it build tension between you, you may as well very delicately address the issue with her. Get it out in the open and talk about it.

[SJC2008]

You may be starting to resent your wife for her lack of efffor around the house. Resentment is a libido killer and ultimately a relationship killer.

[xxoo]

Were you attracted when you married her?

 

How long have you been married? How recently has she moved to where you live? When did the weight gain occur?

 

Moving is a difficult adjustment for many. Out of shape and no housework sounds like depression, maybe related to the move. Has she made new friends?

 

In the past, I've craved sex as reassurance and depression relief when I've felt insecure. Her neediness may be emotional, coming out sexual.

 

Try to reconnect. Date her. Court her. Treat her like she is your hot gf. Maybe you'll start to feel it. Attitude often follows action.

 

And if she starts to feel like your hot gf, maybe she'll start to be it.

[man_in_the_box]

Is it depression? Depressed people who battle with weight gain are often unhappy about their situation and need something that gives them the willpower to overcome the problem. This "push" isn't necessarily you but its never wrong to find out if she's suffering from depression.

 

If its just lazyness or character then you're ****ed... In that scenario its probably a good idea to question yourself if she always was like this and that it only manifests physically now or that its something that slowly creeped I to the marriage. In the first case why did you marry her at all, and in the second case I think you should put some ultimatums for yourself in the future. Remember: for yourself - you can never force or change her to change her lifestyle. But you can always remove yourself from the equation if your partner is obviously not pulling their weight and making no attempts to change anything .

[hoping2heal]

I'm new to site and want some good constructive advise on my recent marriage.

 

3 years ago I met a girl, we went on a few dates and she got pregnant with my son and we have been both single parents while trying to date on and off. My relocated me out of state which made me realize I didn't think of how much I would miss my best friend and my son so we decided to get married. Now that we are married I find myself loving my wife by not sexually attracted to her. She has gained a lot of weight and worked out but her diet of craving sweets pretty much cancels out all the hard work she puts into working out and this is a tender subject to bring up.

 

I work full time and she is a full time Mother. I keep my mouth shut when I come home from work, realize very little housework has been done and end up doing a majority chores that she didn't do throughout the day. She takes very good care of our child and I respect that, she is an amazing mother. Another problem is that I feel that our marriage is not 50/50 which I know isn't going to be a constant but when I find my eye wandering to other more attractive women I feel like a pervert with dirty thoughts. Cheating is not at option and I feel like a dirtbag when it happens because she deserves better.

 

I crave sex, but I only crave my wife when she puts in the effort to pull her weight in the marriage(no pun intended), which I feel is minimum. She wants sex twice a day and I would love to help if I were attracted to her. Meanwhile, she feels like she can't do anything right, unappreciated, and that I'm not attracted to her. I try to remedy that and give her backrubs, tell her how beautiful she is, and how much I love her. We have the most perfect 2 1/2 yr old child in the world and I need to make this work for him. She is still my best friend but I dont feel like I can currently offer what she needs. What is wrong with me?

 

I probably left a lot of stuff out but ask questions and let me know if anyone else is experiencing the same.

 

To be honest the weight doesn't really sound like the issue, but rather your resentment and lack of respect towards her when you feel like she is being lazy. I'm sure you would both be more pleased with her physical appearance if she lost the weight but I reckon right now it's a vicious cycle. She's heavier which makes doing everything harder so she does less which exacerbates her current weight problem.

 

Time to judge her less for her shortcomings, put yourself in her shoes, and then work on some practical solutions to getting that weight off. Not for appearances but because in order for her to have the energy and the "oomph" in her step to get more done that's going to mean not having extra weight to carry around. In the meantime, try to empathize how you would feel doing everything you do now with a 40 pound sack of potatoes tied to your back. It would be tiring, no?

[smokey bear]

SHE'S DEPRESSED

 

Get her out of the house, back into hobbies, interacting with adults and let her have some adult time and her time.

 

See a little tip for you guys, see if your wife is doing something/ or not doing something up to you liking, google it, you will get all the answers you need and an insight into your wifes head.

 

 

Google "wife has put on weight, bad diet, doesn't leave the house" and actually go and try to understand other people.

 

You think your so hard done by, she is the one that just changed her body,life everything.

[hoping2heal]

 

You think your so hard done by, she is the one that just changed her body,life everything.

 

Smoke has hit the nail on the head here. You're judging your wife for being lazy, but you haven't stopped to take into account how many changes she has just been through. Some women put on pregnancy weight and it's nothing for them to lose it. Some women try and struggle in earnest. Your wife is her own individual, she's not every other woman in the world and she shouldn't be looked at as failing just because she doesn't have the same journey as some other women you may know.

 

You have no idea how you would be feeling or reacting if you had to be put in her shoes and that's where alot of the problem is coming from. You're not taking the time to empathize with her. This is something you both need to come through together and instead of thinking about what's best and pleasing for you, you need to think; no not what is best and pleasing for her either; but what's going to be best for the two (three) of you.

 

Having a child is so all encompassing that you lose your ability to have any of yourself for a season and that is overwhelming. She needs to have some of her autonomy back, I agree with the suggestions about getting her back into the "adult world".

[janedoe67]

I had horrible post partem depression for many months after my first baby was born. Lack of self motivation and laziness were not my problem. My problem was an overwhelming abyss I did not know how to get out of and if my husband had retreated as well I don't think I would have survived. her wanting constant touch and intimacy may be her reaching out in the only way she can right now.

[CarrieT]

The OP never responded back. I suspect this will become a zombie thread where we keep talking to no one who is listening...

[Clockwork]

You have to get back to your roots with her. In other words, you definitely lusted her at one point in your marriage. You have to get back to that. I have a 2 year old as well, so I know there is plenty of time to get freaky with each other. That's the thing, you need to get freaky. Take some erotic pictures of her, buy her some nice lingerie and if you have to then videotape each other (with her knowing of course). This will make her feel like a woman and bring her confidence up and nothing is sexier than a confident woman even if she is a bit bigger.

 

How it will work for you is that you may see your wife in a whole new light. There are times when you have to look at your wife like a porn star - YOUR own personal porn star that no one else can have. Have sex in a compromising place. You have to have a hammock some where or a back deck or something. Anything to give yourselves a spark.

 

Don't knock the advice. 5 years into my wife and I being married I still want to hammer her as badly as the day we met. And I hope that never changes. But you have to get kinky and role play. This is just between you and her so believe me it is okay to be a pervert with your own wife. She'll appreciate it and regain some confidence and you will want her more.

[amy76]

I got married 5 years back and had common interest but it was more of mind decision more than the attraction factor behind marriage...we had sex like once a week initially for first 3 months and then it came down...now I feel I do not have attraction for my wife...

I do not know the reason..

just wanted to know if that could be due to some depression..

or lower level of testetorene ?..as I do masturbate and feel attracted to other women..

 

I feel amused..

real test could be that I should try to hand out with someone whom I am attracted to in an extra marital relation..

but I do not want to do that...as I love my wife..

please suggest how could I deduce the problem is psychological, physical or that she is simply not the one I will get attracted to?/

 

please share ur views on this..

[drallafi]

Serious question... Do you watch porn? If so, how often? You'd be surprised how much porn can affect your daily life. If you're watching it more than 3x a week, I'd advise cutting down. It'll help.

 

The other side of the coin is that if your wife is a fat ****, that just won't do. No disrespect, but I've been there. Enroll her in a gym or some swimming classes or something.

[Mr. Lucky]

I got married 5 years back and had common interest but it was more of mind decision more than the attraction factor behind marriage...we had sex like once a week initially for first 3 months and then it came down...now I feel I do not have attraction for my wife...

I do not know the reason..

just wanted to know if that could be due to some depression..

or lower level of testetorene ?..as I do masturbate and feel attracted to other women..

 

I feel amused..

real test could be that I should try to hand out with someone whom I am attracted to in an extra marital relation..

but I do not want to do that...as I love my wife..

please suggest how could I deduce the problem is psychological, physical or that she is simply not the one I will get attracted to?/

 

please share ur views on this..

Since the OP has never returned, you'll get more responses if you start your own thread vs resurrecting this inactive one...

 

Mr. Lucky

[coffeebean201]

Either you appreciate her as your partner, or you don't.

 

Maybe set little goals per week on one topic with her on stuff you want to see done.

 

There is a lot more to marriage than just being roommates/shared parenting.

 

Have you thought about maybe counselling? You sound serious about this marriage and it would be nice if you felt it was more balanced.

 

 

When was the last time you both had fun together?

2.5 yr old children are quite a drain on energy, and it sounds like the child is getting the bulk of the resources/energy/mutual love, leaving little for each other.