Obstacles

[bellasue]

Didn't want to thread jack zevhac's thread. Metal_chick said the only obstacle in a lot of our situations are people and people only. I think this is interesting and 100% true.

 

My xMM got married when he was VERY young and has been married for decades. I think in a lot of cases if you get married that young, you can "outgrow" your partner as your respective interests change. In their case, he became super active and did as many physical things as possible. Things his wife was NOT interested in at all. They go on separate vacations. Just do different things altogether.

 

I think the sex was part of his problem, but I think he really enjoyed my company and we did a ton of stuff together. I think he fell in love and that was unexpected and uncomfortable at times. He never said he would leave. I don't think he is 100% happy where he is, but he's not willing to sacrifice the reputation he has with his family (his wife is a very nice person.......I'm sure they all love her dearly) for the sake of his own happiness. So while it would get messy for everyone involved, he's not willing to jump. Which I understand.

 

Isn't this affair stuff just a whole lot of fun? /sarcasm/

[ScarlettKaren]

Agreed Bellasue. I also think it doesn't take a young marriage for people to outgrow one another. It just takes two people who either evolve and change differently or one or the other of them not at all.

 

As the only friend that knows about my A has said. It was never you versus BW (not that I ever expected or wanted him to leave, just dealing with the pain of that being how it felt) it was me versus his entire life. I lose every time in that contest.

[bellasue]

Yes, and I am trying to view it that way. There was no way I could compete if I really look at it. However, to live a life that is "just ok" seems sad to me.

 

I did read an article recently that divorces in later life are becoming more common for exactly these reasons. People live longer and once the kids are gone, people seek out greater satisfaction in later life. That is not to say they didn't love their spouse, or don't care about them......just that they refuse to settle.

[ScarlettKaren]

In my case, I'm not likely to know whether or not his life is truly, "just ok" or something more than that. I have my own thoughts but they aren't backed by solid facts.

 

Refusing to settle is an interesting term and i think it will be more common to see those sorts of divorces as people live longer healthier lives.

 

It is hard to compete with an entire life when the only thing that held you two together was you two, and your very much insular world.

[tryingto]

It was never you versus BW (not that I ever expected or wanted him to leave, just dealing with the pain of that being how it felt) it was me versus his entire life.

 

Wow. Never thought of it this way. I never felt it was a me vs her but I still had questions and while in the A, my self-worth suffered. My xMM told me he was leaving and I believed him.... for awhile. After it was apparent he wasn't going anywhere, I was really angry at him for lying to me or leading me on. But regardless of what he "promised" me, the above quote did enlighten me to one of the many possible reasons he lied/didn't follow through with leaving/etc.

[ScarlettKaren]

It does help put things in perspective. Starkly sometimes. It doesn't exactly make me feel better, but helps me understand.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I am MW, I have an OM.

 

I definitely agree with the growing apart from our spouse piece. Not using it to justify my A, because I know I shouldn't be involved with anyone outside of my marriage, but it certainly rings true.

 

I didn't realize what kind of a person my husband was until we had children. I am not saying he is a bad person, we've had some bad times, but he is a good person...but he is also very selfish. It was easy to deal with and tolerate, and even blindly not notice when it was just him and I...but then we had children and it was painfully obvious that I was carrying the load. Everything about my life changed, and it seemed nothing about his did. I soon started silently nit-picking everything he did.

 

I got tired of asking him to come with me and the kids places, I got tired of him choosing his friends or the couch over family activities. I checked out. I thought I could live that way, content, but not fulfilled.

 

Then I met the OM. And now I'm in this God awful situation of my heart in more than one place, hurting the OM because I don't leave, hurting my husband because I am non-existant when I'm home. It's really really awful. The lump in my throat never goes away, I live in fear, I am regretful..blah.

 

Anyway...just showing that sometimes the married person isn't just a giant a-hole who will never leave. It's just hard to change your entire life for one person, no matter how much you KNOW they are worth it.

 

And please, I am seriously begging you all not to post that I should leave my husband. I get that everytime I post here. I GET IT..I really do. I'm not an idiot. I get it. I suck.

[ScarlettKaren]

Grass. I won't say that. It is particularly hard, to be torn, finding yourself in two places. However you got yourself there, getting out is going to hurt. I'm sorry and no one can make your life choices for you.

[cocorico]

Yes, and I am trying to view it that way. There was no way I could compete if I really look at it. However, to live a life that is "just ok" seems sad to me.

 

I did read an article recently that divorces in later life are becoming more common for exactly these reasons. People live longer and once the kids are gone, people seek out greater satisfaction in later life. That is not to say they didn't love their spouse, or don't care about them......just that they refuse to settle.

 

My father D my mother when the kids were all grown, and M the woman he loved. He'd "done his duty" and saw his responsibility for the second part of his life being towards himself first.

 

And that was my H's plan, too, though in the end he left his xW before the kids were fully grown, because the contrast between continuing a blah M, and really living life, just became too stark to sustain.

[dubliner]

Didn't want to thread jack zevhac's thread. Metal_chick said the only obstacle in a lot of our situations are people and people only. I think this is interesting and 100% true.

 

My xMM got married when he was VERY young and has been married for decades. I think in a lot of cases if you get married that young, you can "outgrow" your partner as your respective interests change. In their case, he became super active and did as many physical things as possible. Things his wife was NOT interested in at all. They go on separate vacations. Just do different things altogether.

 

I think the sex was part of his problem, but I think he really enjoyed my company and we did a ton of stuff together. I think he fell in love and that was unexpected and uncomfortable at times. He never said he would leave. I don't think he is 100% happy where he is, but he's not willing to sacrifice the reputation he has with his family (his wife is a very nice person.......I'm sure they all love her dearly) for the sake of his own happiness. So while it would get messy for everyone involved, he's not willing to jump. Which I understand.

 

Isn't this affair stuff just a whole lot of fun? /sarcasm/

 

You raise quite an interesting perspective...

 

Leaving a less than fulfilling marriage 'for' an affair partner.

It sounds like a trade, what a burden of responsibilty for the AP, to become the 'life' of the once WS

How about the WS decide that this life they built with their BS is no longer the life they desire, it has become intolerable/unsustainable and therefore they have to leave for THEM.

You do not leave a marriage, a life, a history, FOR someone else or you set yourself up for regret, disappointment and resentment.

I left my M for ME, for my mental well being, for my self respect, i wanted to live not just survive , it was probably the hardest damn thing I ever did in my life, I gave up my home, my financial security, a whole family network, but I did it for me, I chose me.

 

I would never want my AP to leave for me, but I wish he could put his happiness over what is 'expected' of him and not be afraid to change his life for HIM, whether or not I was a part of that.

[dubliner]

and so with that I would say that the only obstacles are our own selves.

'you are confined only by the walls you build'

[bellasue]

You raise quite an interesting perspective...

 

Leaving a less than fulfilling marriage 'for' an affair partner.

It sounds like a trade, what a burden of responsibilty for the AP, to become the 'life' of the once WS

How about the WS decide that this life they built with their BS is no longer the life they desire, it has become intolerable/unsustainable and therefore they have to leave for THEM.

You do not leave a marriage, a life, a history, FOR someone else or you set yourself up for regret, disappointment and resentment.

I left my M for ME, for my mental well being, for my self respect, i wanted to live not just survive , it was probably the hardest damn thing I ever did in my life, I gave up my home, my financial security, a whole family network, but I did it for me, I chose me.

 

I would never want my AP to leave for me, but I wish he could put his happiness over what is 'expected' of him and not be afraid to change his life for HIM, whether or not I was a part of that.

 

 

This is EXACTLY it.....especially the last part. I am pretty sure my xMM was happier being with me. He always told me duty trumps love. When I have asked him post dday what he wanted in life, he said "it doesn't matter what I want." Maybe someday he will realize this. I'm not saying he will return to me, but for his own happiness. You only live once.....why spend the tail end of it being miserable?

[pest947]

I am MW, I have an OM.

 

I definitely agree with the growing apart from our spouse piece. Not using it to justify my A, because I know I shouldn't be involved with anyone outside of my marriage, but it certainly rings true.

 

I didn't realize what kind of a person my husband was until we had children. I am not saying he is a bad person, we've had some bad times, but he is a good person...but he is also very selfish. It was easy to deal with and tolerate, and even blindly not notice when it was just him and I...but then we had children and it was painfully obvious that I was carrying the load. Everything about my life changed, and it seemed nothing about his did. I soon started silently nit-picking everything he did.

 

I got tired of asking him to come with me and the kids places, I got tired of him choosing his friends or the couch over family activities. I checked out. I thought I could live that way, content, but not fulfilled.

 

Then I met the OM. And now I'm in this God awful situation of my heart in more than one place, hurting the OM because I don't leave, hurting my husband because I am non-existant when I'm home. It's really really awful. The lump in my throat never goes away, I live in fear, I am regretful..blah.

 

Anyway...just showing that sometimes the married person isn't just a giant a-hole who will never leave. It's just hard to change your entire life for one person, no matter how much you KNOW they are worth it.

 

And please, I am seriously begging you all not to post that I should leave my husband. I get that everytime I post here. I GET IT..I really do. I'm not an idiot. I get it. I suck.

 

 

Grass, you sound like my MW and I don't judge I get it, she is completely torn. Change is scary, I do not doubt that she loves me and wants to be with me, but ultimately she has to make that decision on her own, as do you in your situation.

 

Since you are not my MW, I will tell you what got me through as I was married when my situation started and it what I wish my MW would see. If you are truly unhappy in the marriage and just existing, you are not doing your husband any favors at all by staying. He deserves to be with someone that wholly and truly loves him as do you. Staying to just not hurt him is actually hurting 3 people you, him and your om. If you leave(because you are truly in love) and you marriage is broken, it will be hard and people will get hurt but in the end everyone will be happy. Even though your husband wont at first, eventually he will meet someone that loves him and wants to be with him.

 

I made that choice for myself with my Ex, I owned up to my feeling and lack thereof for her because of many things that were done to me. Though it was hard and I'm not with my MW(this remains to be seen) even if that never occurs I am very happy now.

[Praying4Peace]

Grass, you sound like my MW and I don't judge I get it, she is completely torn. Change is scary, I do not doubt that she loves me and wants to be with me, but ultimately she has to make that decision on her own, as do you in your situation.

 

Since you are not my MW, I will tell you what got me through as I was married when my situation started and it what I wish my MW would see. If you are truly unhappy in the marriage and just existing, you are not doing your husband any favors at all by staying. He deserves to be with someone that wholly and truly loves him as do you. Staying to just not hurt him is actually hurting 3 people you, him and your om. If you leave(because you are truly in love) and you marriage is broken, it will be hard and people will get hurt but in the end everyone will be happy. Even though your husband wont at first, eventually he will meet someone that loves him and wants to be with him.

 

I made that choice for myself with my Ex, I owned up to my feeling and lack thereof for her because of many things that were done to me. Though it was hard and I'm not with my MW(this remains to be seen) even if that never occurs I am very happy now.

 

This is exactly what I did. MM went back for the kids and duty and reputation (extended family knew). I left my H. It almost killed me. I knew I didn't want to keep him from finding someone who would love him like he deserved. I knew that every time he looked at me he saw the A. In my situation he knew about all the ILY's, the baby, the plans, how many times we were together physically, the many many Ddays. I couldn't do that to him though I'd be much happier married than on my own, lonely, financial uncomfortable. I keep the kids happy and I figure that's my contribution to his well being. I know it'll hurt when he finds someone else. Its not right to rob someone of their right to be loved completely, honestly and unconditionally...not as a back up.

 

ETA- I love my H and I always did but it was a friendship/history thing. I still love him enough to let him go. I don't think that all bells can be unrung and I think sometimes trying to force an R is like standing in broken glass getting cut over and over when its better to just clean it up and move on.

Edited June 13, 2013 by Praying4Peace

[sweet_pea]

This is EXACTLY it.....especially the last part. I am pretty sure my xMM was happier being with me. He always told me duty trumps love. When I have asked him post dday what he wanted in life, he said "it doesn't matter what I want." Maybe someday he will realize this. I'm not saying he will return to me, but for his own happiness. You only live once.....why spend the tail end of it being miserable?

 

Maybe he isn't as miserable as you want to believe he is? All of your thoughts in his happiness are speculation, you don't know if he is truly unhappy or just making it up. At the end of the day, he had his chance to choose. He is probably not miserable, didn't you say that you would see him kissing his wife? That does not scream misery to me.

 

Bella, is this how you feel about your own marriage? You are married, correct? Are you miserable in your marriage?

 

I really think that the time you spend wondering if he's happy or not, of he was happier with you rather than his wife, etc. stunt your progress in healing. You need to focus on yourself and your healing and take his actions of NC for what they are.

[bellasue]

Yes it is true I am speculating. But having visually seen him a couple of times in the past two months, he looks like a broken much older man. Through the course of our long friendship, he would often say things were just "good enough" and that he had made a lot of sacrifices of his own happiness.

 

Yes, he did regularly give his wife a peck on the lips. Nothing too exciting. That always puzzled me.........they seemed to have the perfect relationship.

 

Yes, I am married, and yes, I am working on improving things with my husband.

 

You're right I shouldn't waste my time thinking about xMM. Even if he treated me like crap in the end, I still want him to be happy and I hope he can find that with his W.

[sweet_pea]

Of course he's going to look like a broken, older man. He just went through affair exposure... his entire life has completely changed. He probably almost lost his wife/family. He isn't going to look like sunshine and rainbows.

 

My point is, that while he may have told you that things were just good enough... he may have been completely lying. If he was as miserable as you put it, he wouldn't be holding and kissing her, as you said. Miserable couples don't show affection, I've learned. His actions didn't match his words, or what you wanted to believe. If he was miserable, he wouldn't be with her, regardless of his sacrifices.

 

I just think that if you are working on your marriage, you have to put a stop on wondering if he's miserable. Or hoping that he'll leave his wife to be with you (even though you're married yourself...). Focus on yourself and what you need to do. Especially after the way he treated you on DDay/after.

[waterwoman]

Of course he's going to look like a broken, older man. He just went through affair exposure... his entire life has completely changed. He probably almost lost his wife/family. He isn't going to look like sunshine and rainbows.

 

That is important to remember. H looked like a broken older man after d-day. being as insecure and with such poor self-esteem I assumed it was because he missed her. The truth was that although I'd be crazy to think he didn't miss her at all, he was dealing daily with the fear that I'd kick him out after all, that he'd lose me. I didn't give him an easy time, hell, I was hard on myself too. It was a painful turbulent time. Anyone would look haggard.

[Louanne]

This is how I feel about my life right now. grassisorisntgreener i totally get what you have said.

 

Then I met the OM. And now I'm in this God awful situation of my heart in more

than one place, hurting the OM because I don't leave, hurting my husband because

I am non-existant when I'm home. It's really really awful. The lump in my throat

never goes away, I live in fear, I am regretful..blah.

 

Anyway...just

showing that sometimes the married person isn't just a giant a-hole who will

never leave. It's just hard to change your entire life for one person, no matter

how much you KNOW they are worth it.

 

I KNOW my best friend is worth it. But the absolute chaos that it would bring to everybody involved is just to hard to bear.

Edited June 16, 2013 by Louanne

[troubadour]

Yes, I am married, and yes, I am working on improving things with my husband.

 

You're right I shouldn't waste my time thinking about xMM. Even if he treated me like crap in the end, I still want him to be happy and I hope he can find that with his W.

 

 

I'm not trying to attack you in any way but just out of curiosity.... how can you tell that you are working on improving things with your husband if you didn't even tell him that you had an affair?

 

What makes your situation really sick is that your xMM was a family friend - someone who would come to your marital house and shake your husband's hand on regular bases.... and then bang you behind his back. If your husband aware of any of it?

 

If he isn't.... how can he work with you on improving your marriage if he doesn't even know what he is trying to improve?

 

And you.... how can you work on improving your relationship with him when it is clear that you are still obsessed with your xMM? Your husband just pays the bills and takes garbage out.

 

You messed up your life quite well....