Courtneyyy Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 (edited) So my fiancee is the best man in his best friends wedding, and for the bachelor party, the groom said he wanted to get a stripper. I knew of this, and was fine with it, but I thought there would be NO touching... The day after the party, my fiancee told me that he had gotten a lap dance. It seriously broke my heart to hear him say that. It has been 4 days and I can't get the image out of my head.... A woman that isn't me, wearing nothing but a g string, dancing and grinding on him, with her boobs on his face. He said he didn't ask for it, and the stripper asked who the best man was, after the groom got his dance, and all the guys pointed, and he didn't want to be a buzz kill and say "no". He said he didn't like it, and the stripper was nasty, but he got a boner. I am devistated. I hate that another woman turned him on, and now I will always wonder and worry about it. We just had a baby a month ago, and he has never cheated in the past, nor did I ever doubt him or think he would, but I do consider this cheating. I dont see the difference in a stripper dancing on him, and any other woman dancing on him. I feel disgusted by him, and I am very disappointed. I am seriously considering breaking up with him. I feel like if he didn't want the stripper on him, then she wouldn't have been on him. I feel like I can't trust him anymore. Should I feel like this or am I crazy? Am I over reacting? I love him, and don't want to be with anyone else, but I don't want to be with someone that thinks it's okay to let woman dance on him. Edited June 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
SimonSerenade Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 Your right, it's not right, I'd hate it if I was with someone and a stripper just came along waggling his elephant trunk in my girls face, it's a hard situation to call unless your there, he probably didnt want to let everyone down by not joining in the fun, I'd never let a loose lady dance all over me in any situation but the fact that he was open and told you means its harmless and this may be all up in smoke now but trust me, it'll get better and you won't feel as bad, have a talk with him and try to make him see your point of view. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 This is a complete and utter overreaction. She was entertainment, he didn't sleep with her, he didn't kiss her, she has nothing to do with his feelings for you. It was his friend's bachelor party, not his party. Don't create conflict where there is none. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
mahon451 Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 Well... at least he was honest with you, and didn't try to hide anything. He could have you know, not told you at all. In fact, let's say he did that. Let's say he DIDN'T tell you, and you found out about it later via gossip or an errant Facebook post. How pissed would you be then? Look, I get why you're upset. Nobody wants a naked/almost naked person rubbing up against their partner's naughty bits (unless it's previously established that that's OK). But these sort of things will happen (it's called "peer pressure"), especially when you get a bunch of dudes together- no guy wants to be the killjoy. So, unless this sort of thing is a common occurence, I'd cut him a little slack (at worst, maybe make him sleep on the couch for a night ). Is he otherwise well-behaved? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 While I can see how this disturbs you, you have to give him some credit for being completely honest about it. I hate to say this but you're sadly mistaken and living in lala land if you think a man can control his boners.....more specifically you're mistaken if you think a man in a committed relationship can only get a boner from his partner. A man can get a boner if the wind blows a certain way. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Courtneyyy Posted June 11, 2013 Author Share Posted June 11, 2013 Is he otherwise well-behaved? -yeah, we have never ever had any problems. I have never had a doubt in my mind about him, but I just feel like he wouldn't have gotten a boner if he didn't like it, and he could have found a way to get out of it if he truly didnt want it. Idk, I just feel like he is disgusting for letting some nasty woman do that on him. And it really bugs me knowing that her boobs were touching his face. like, i would feel extremely guilty if i let a guy do that to me, i would feel like i cheated on him. I feel like I should be the only girl on his lap. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Courtneyyy Posted June 11, 2013 Author Share Posted June 11, 2013 While I can see how this disturbs you, you have to give him some credit for being completely honest about it. I hate to say this but you're sadly mistaken and living in lala land if you think a man can control his boners.....more specifically you're mistaken if you think a man in a committed relationship can only get a boner from his partner. A man can get a boner if the wind blows a certain way. He says he didn't like it, but he still got a boner.... Can that even be possible? It doesn't make sense to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 He says he didn't like it, but he still got a boner.... Can that even be possible? It doesn't make sense to me. Absolutely! Don't take offense to the fact that he was physically turned on. Men have two separate and distinct "heads". Sometimes they work together, sometimes they work independently. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 This is a complete and utter overreaction. She was entertainment, he didn't sleep with her, he didn't kiss her, she has nothing to do with his feelings for you. It was his friend's bachelor party, not his party. Don't create conflict where there is none. ^^ Have to agree... Means nothing and you shouldn't turn it in to something!! Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 He says he didn't like it, but he still got a boner.... Can that even be possible? It doesn't make sense to me. We can't control them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Courtneyyy Posted June 11, 2013 Author Share Posted June 11, 2013 But am I right by thinking that if he really didnt want her on him, then she wouldn't have been on him?!?!? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 He says he didn't like it, but he still got a boner.... Can that even be possible? It doesn't make sense to me. yes it can happen.....its called friction......deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ripnet Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 So my fiancee is the best man in his best friends wedding, and for the bachelor party, the groom said he wanted to get a stripper. I knew of this, and was fine with it, Come on, no adult is going to be surprised he got a lap dance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 But am I right by thinking that if he really didnt want her on him, then she wouldn't have been on him?!?!? No. He wasn't going to act like a whining bitch at his buddy's bachelor party, so he sucked it up and took one for the team. And he was honest with you with what happened -- he didn't try to hide it. You are really creating something out of nothing here. The dude played it as well as he could have -- no need to create drama. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
chuzzbug Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 This is a complete and utter overreaction. She was entertainment, he didn't sleep with her, he didn't kiss her, she has nothing to do with his feelings for you. It was his friend's bachelor party, not his party. Don't create conflict where there is none. Sorry, I completely disagree with your analysis of the situation. Her reaction is what it is, and her fiancee should be sensitive to it. I know that I, for one, would be upset in a similar situation if my GF had been serviced by a stripper this way. My upset would be further compounded if she didn't take it seriously. In other words, the one who is upset isn't the one who is doing something wrong. First you handle the upset empathically. Then you discuss the situation that triggered it. It's total crap that if it wasn't his party, it doesn't matter. He had a choice to say "no thanks". He chose not to. The OP deserves to have her concerns listened to. The OP deserves a warm, caring and supportive response to those concerns. Strip clubs trigger people's insecurities. I know they trigger mine. It's not about whether the person did something that can be categorized as cheating, but whether the person is sensitive to their partner's worries. Even if those worries are unfounded and unrealistic, they exist. And for that, they must be addressed. Any caring and supportive partner would. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
mahon451 Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 But am I right by thinking that if he really didnt want her on him, then she wouldn't have been on him?!?!? Let me ask you this: did he kiss/grope/sleep with the stripper? Did he come home and say, "Courtneyyy, it was nice knowing you, but I'm leaving you for this chick with a bad tan, fake boobs, and a coke habit"? No. He didn't. My guess is that he sat there, stiff (and not just boner-stiff) and uncomfortable, while he waited for her to finish grinding him and move on to the next guy. Like I said, he was probably uncomfortable, but didn't want to look like a putz in front of the bros, so he took it like a man, so to speak. As for boners, to some extent we do have control, but if someone starts rubbing up against us in our crotch area... well, things can happen, especially if the person rubbing isn't repulsive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 (edited) I have a thing about strippers too. I find it highly disrespectful that guys think a naked woman grinding on a man's hard penis, while shoving her topless chest in his face is "entertainment." My ex used to go to strip clubs and I HATED it with a passion. He justified it by saying, "It's their job. It's not cheating because we pay them." It's gross that guys sit there with hard on's, oogle other women, get danced on and think it's cool. It really makes me sick. Not sure which way you want to go here. Does he frequent strip clubs on the regular, or was this like a one time thing for a bachelor party? I'm not sure how many guys would love their women sitting around getting penis shoved in their face or having muscular hot men dance all over them. Edited June 12, 2013 by KatZee 4 Link to post Share on other sites
chuzzbug Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 ...but didn't want to look like a putz in front of the bros, so he took it like a man, so to speak. Absurd! He didn't take it like a man, who would think about the consequences of his actions. He, in fact, acted like a putz. And if the reason is because he didn't want to seem like a putz, it makes him that much more of a putz. A man does what he wants, when he wants it, and how it should be done. A putz does what other mean want of him, when they want it, and how it shouldn't be. I hope this is clear for all you "men" out there. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
youngnlove89 Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 My boyfriend told me that while we were broken up that his friends and him all went to a strip club and he got 2 lap dances. He said he didn't want them and his friends bought them for him. Basically, "he took one for the team". He also said he didn't enjoy it and they were ugly. WHATEVER. I'm not naive. It bothered me very much. But I let it slide because we weren't together. I can't imagine how it would feel if he did that while we are together. It IS cheating. Whether it's paid for or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 (edited) Sorry, I completely disagree with your analysis of the situation. Her reaction is what it is, and her fiancee should be sensitive to it. I know that I, for one, would be upset in a similar situation if my GF had been serviced by a stripper this way. My upset would be further compounded if she didn't take it seriously. In other words, the one who is upset isn't the one who is doing something wrong. First you handle the upset empathically. Then you discuss the situation that triggered it. It's total crap that if it wasn't his party, it doesn't matter. He had a choice to say "no thanks". He chose not to. The OP deserves to have her concerns listened to. The OP deserves a warm, caring and supportive response to those concerns. Strip clubs trigger people's insecurities. I know they trigger mine. It's not about whether the person did something that can be categorized as cheating, but whether the person is sensitive to their partner's worries. Even if those worries are unfounded and unrealistic, they exist. And for that, they must be addressed. Any caring and supportive partner would. The fact that her fiancee volunteered the information instead of trying to keep it hidden shows that he did take it seriously. I'm not the fiance, so it's not up to me to be caring and supportive to the OP. Had my girlfriend had a similar reaction to the OP, I wouldn't go off on her and yell at her and call her stupid. I would calmly explain that it is entertainment, that I have no emotional attraction to the stripper and that it's something I did to "go with the flow". I'd explain to her that I did not kiss the stripper, did not grope the stripper, did nothing but sit there. And I would hope that she thought highly enough of me and my honesty toward her to trust me. I wouldn't get angry at her unless she kept bringing it up and wouldn't let it go. And if she was at a bachelorette party and part of that party was getting lap dances from male strippers, I wouldn't have cared less. Because I'd be secure enough in our relationship (the OP mentioned how he had done nothing even remotely shady in their time together) and because I realize that it is entertainment and nothing more. If I learned she did cross a line and actually hooked up with the male stripper, she'd be gone at the snap of a finger. And I'd expect the same from her if I had hooked up with a female stripper. There is very little difference between that situation and him getting off to porn IMO. In fact, this is arguably more innocent because he didn't actually get off. Edited June 12, 2013 by Simon Phoenix Link to post Share on other sites
InsaneTrombone Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 I think you're overreacting a bit. Try putting yourself in that situation, I'd like to see you turn down a paid lapdance being pressured by all your female friends. It's a difficult situation/ Be glad he even told you and felt he needed to. If he didn't mention a word to you then we aren't even having this conversation, is that what you would prefer? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tinie Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 Courtney, you sound like you're more bothered that he got a boner than the lap dance itself. Having a boner because you see a sexy, half-naked woman does not equate to being in love with that woman. She turned him on, that's what she's paid for. It's not like he was contemplating leaving you for her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 If you really want to break up your family over this , go right ahead. Considering you have never had problems before, and he has never acted shady before, and he didn't lie to you about it , I think you should forgive him, but tell him you never want some **** like this to happen again. Punishing him though would send a mixed message. You would basically be telling him to stop being honest. He was 100% truthful with you and you want to leave him . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 If you really want to break up your family over this , go right ahead. Considering you have never had problems before, and he has never acted shady before, and he didn't lie to you about it , I think you should forgive him, but tell him you never want some **** like this to happen again. Punishing him though would send a mixed message. You would basically be telling him to stop being honest. He was 100% truthful with you and you want to leave him . Yep, the odds of him telling her anything remotely controversial ever again is diminished by a lot if she freaks out on him for being upfront about this. That being said, I have no idea if she has freaked out on him or is just freaking out on here to get opinions/support. I hope it's the latter. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted June 12, 2013 Share Posted June 12, 2013 Erections are a physical response to stimuli. It has nothing to do with her, or his emotions, it's as uncontrollable a response as goose bumps. Men can get raped you know. A woman can restrain the man and force him to get an erection. It's not under his control. To be offended that he got an erection is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
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