Fiancee got lap dance...

[KungFuJoe]

Was there an understanding beforehand that he wasn't supposed to get lap dances?

 

If not, he did NOTHING wrong.

 

NOTHING.

 

And just my opinion, but lap dances are pretty damn innocent, and commonplace for couples to partake in.

[Keenly]

Was there an understanding beforehand that he wasn't supposed to get lap dances?

 

If not, he did NOTHING wrong.

 

NOTHING.

 

And just my opinion, but lap dances are pretty damn innocent, and commonplace for couples to partake in.

 

 

While I agree with you personally, we both know there is a large portion of the female gender that would probably not take kindly to it.

[KungFuJoe]

While I agree with you personally, we both know there is a large portion of the female gender that would probably not take kindly to it.

 

Understood but this was a bachelor party. I mean what does op think happens at these things?

 

Not like he just up and went to a strip club with his friends for no reason other than to see naked chicks.

 

Oh and he was the best man! Sometimes the best man gets as much attention as the bachelor! Him only getting a single lap dance? He deserves a medal!

[Leigh 87]

This is more about how her fiancé handles the situation and how they both agree to compromise on these matters in the future.

 

He needs to be sensitive about her feelings.

He needs to say what he feels, but apologize for hurting her.

If he feels it was innocent, he needs to say that. He also needs to clearly state that he hates that she is hurt, especially from something HE caused.

 

He basically needs to feel awful for hurting her, tell her how he felt about it, and agree to not do it again seeing as it truly hurts her so much.

 

He needs to discus what will happen when he is invited to another bachelor party.

 

They need to talk about setting boundaries for the future.

.........................................................

 

Personally, I do not think it shows a lack of love when a man enjoys another woman's body. I believe a man can be truly IN Love with a woman, yet enjoy lap dances. People know my stance on such issues.

 

It does not mean a man should go out and do these things if they are in a relationship with a person who is not comfortable with it.

 

I cannot see why it would be threatening; it is just another female body. If a dude is that in love with a woman, he will not let a hot stripper (which most of them are not that stunning), get in his way of his feelings for his partner.

 

It is about values.

 

The act in and of itself may or may not offend certain people.

 

There is no wrong or right way to feel.

 

If this women is not okay with her guy getting close and personal to another woman's vagina, then I TOTALLY understand.

 

It was her job to inform him before the incident occurred, though.

 

She should have not assumed that all men who are in love will necessarily refrain from strippers and lap dances when they are at a bachelor party!

[Simon Phoenix]

While I agree with you personally, we both know there is a large portion of the female gender that would probably not take kindly to it.

 

That's great and all, but if she didn't either discuss it with him beforehand or he didn't promise her that he wasn't going to get one, then she really doesn't have a leg to stand on as far as getting mad at him. He didn't do anything wrong and he didn't betray her trust. Had she asked him not to do it and he did it, or had he told her he wasn't going to and then did it, therefore lying, she'd have a right to get pissed even if the actual act wasn't a big deal.

[Realist3]

So my fiancee is the best man in his best friends wedding, and for the bachelor party, the groom said he wanted to get a stripper. I knew of this, and was fine with it, but I thought there would be NO touching... The day after the party, my fiancee told me that he had gotten a lap dance.

 

It seriously broke my heart to hear him say that. It has been 4 days and I can't get the image out of my head.... A woman that isn't me, wearing nothing but a g string, dancing and grinding on him, with her boobs on his face. He said he didn't ask for it, and the stripper asked who the best man was, after the groom got his dance, and all the guys pointed, and he didn't want to be a buzz kill and say "no". He said he didn't like it, and the stripper was nasty, but he got a boner.

 

I am devistated. I hate that another woman turned him on, and now I will always wonder and worry about it. We just had a baby a month ago, and he has never cheated in the past, nor did I ever doubt him or think he would, but I do consider this cheating. I dont see the difference in a stripper dancing on him, and any other woman dancing on him. I feel disgusted by him, and I am very disappointed. I am seriously considering breaking up with him.

 

I feel like if he didn't want the stripper on him, then she wouldn't have been on him. I feel like I can't trust him anymore. Should I feel like this or am I crazy? Am I over reacting? I love him, and don't want to be with anyone else, but I don't want to be with someone that thinks it's okay to let woman dance on him.

 

I wonder what the bride must have felt?

 

 

You are making a deal out of nothing.

 

Guess what? Men love to see half naked hot women gyrating over them. It might even produce a boner.

 

You need to be a little bit more secure in your relationship to know that men are aroused by hot looking women. It has nothing to do with his feelings towards you.

[ChessPieceFace]

So my fiancee is the best man in his best friends wedding, and for the bachelor party, the groom said he wanted to get a stripper. I knew of this, and was fine with it, but I thought there would be NO touching... The day after the party, my fiancee told me that he had gotten a lap dance.

 

It seriously broke my heart to hear him say that. It has been 4 days and I can't get the image out of my head.... A woman that isn't me, wearing nothing but a g string, dancing and grinding on him, with her boobs on his face. He said he didn't ask for it, and the stripper asked who the best man was, after the groom got his dance, and all the guys pointed, and he didn't want to be a buzz kill and say "no". He said he didn't like it, and the stripper was nasty, but he got a boner.

 

I am devistated. I hate that another woman turned him on, and now I will always wonder and worry about it. We just had a baby a month ago, and he has never cheated in the past, nor did I ever doubt him or think he would, but I do consider this cheating. I dont see the difference in a stripper dancing on him, and any other woman dancing on him.

 

So by that logic (equating unsolicited stripper grinding with voluntary cheating), since you OKed the "no touch" stripper, then you're fine with your guy ogling other nude women in person as long as he doesn't touch?

 

Please. So many things wrong with your attitude here.

 

As I mentioned in another thread, this is another case of a woman laying a trap. "You can do that" "OK" "HOW DARE YOU DO THAT!!!" The grinding thing is a side issue because your extreme reaction to the whole thing shows that you really were not OK with any of it, grinding or no. You OKed your man to look at a stripper and regardless of the grinding, you now want to break up with him because he enjoyed the experience. Ridiculous.

 

By your own admission he didn't ask for any of that. He didn't want to wreck his friend's bachelor party, made a bad call (hindsight is 20/20) and obviously severely overestimated how much trust you have in him (which seems to be about zero.) Guess what, if an attractive naked woman presses her body on mine, I'm gonna get hard and physically I will enjoy it, regardless of whether I really wanted it or had any interest in her, and regardless of my marital status.

 

The primary problem I see is that you seem to have no concept of the nature of male sexuality. I would suggest getting up to speed on that ASAP before this lack of understanding literally destroys your life. I can't read his mind but everything I'm reading here indicates that this was a simple male physical response (to something he DIDN'T SOLICIT), that your jealousy is entirely misplaced and that you're making this out to be something it was not.

 

His biggest crime seems to be honesty (how ironic.) Remember this guys. No matter how good your intentions are, most women can't handle the truth. If you ever find yourself in this situation, you have to just say "no honey I didn't enjoy the dirty stripper, of course I wasn't aroused, it was gross, I thought about you the whole time."

[JohnMcClaine]

He says he didn't like it, but he still got a boner.... Can that even be possible? It doesn't make sense to me.

 

I hate to break this to you Courtneyyy, but your fiancee has gotten countless boners thinking about other women. I can't believe this is even an issue. Are you very young?

[Chi townD]

He says he didn't like it, but he still got a boner.... Can that even be possible? It doesn't make sense to me.

 

OH YEAH!!! That can happen. Mr. Happy has a mind of his own. I wouldn't worry about it. I'm fairly certain NOTHING happened. I take that back, the only thing that happened was your man ended his night extremely frustrated.

 

Strippers don't go to these things by themselves. They usually have a bodyguard with them so nothing goes wrong. If your man didn't come see you with a black eye and a broken jaw, then he didn't touch her or do anything inappropriate with her.

[Geiss]

The guy should have declined. Taking one for the team at the risk of losing a relationship. I don't think so. He did enjoy it of course. What about the grooms wife. Does she have a problem with it too or is it just you?

 

I don't think a lot of the guys here saying taking one for team would say the same thing if their girls went to a male strip bar and took one for the team.

[BetrayedH]

The fact is that you OK'd him to attend the bachelor party with the full understanding that a stripper would be there. You assumed there would be no touching (or you "thought there would be no touching" to use your words). That was a pretty dumb assumption. What do you think strippers do at bachelor parties? Stand pretty in the corner waiting for someone to throw them a dollar? Nope. They routinely give a lap dance to the groom and yep, the best man.

 

You gave your OK for this and then when he comes home and is honest about it, you consider ripping apart the family over it? Look, you screwed up by not communicating and discussing your boundaries. You should own that and take as much responsibility for this as you expect him to take. Calling it cheating is ridiculous when you approved of it beforehand. If a lapdance was a dealbreaker for you, approving of a stripper at the party was a dumbass move on your part and you should have communicated ahead of time that no touching was an expectation.

[prettygirl88]

Hi I'm new here *waves. Well, I would be happy that he was at least honest with you about it. I do feel that he did enjoy it, though, and just said he didn't to spare your feelings.

 

Yes, in my opinion, it makes a man look weak when he succumbs to peer pressure because "Oh no, the guys will call me a pussy" lol. I mean, grow up.

 

If I were at a bachelorette party, I wouldn't want a dance simply because I'm not interested (even though I'm single) and oily, muscled guys in speedos don't turn me on.

 

Now, these guys saying they wouldn't care about male strippers, yeah ok. Maybe it's because your woman goes out of her way to reassure you that you're the only one for her, makes you feel special, fawns all over you etc. A lot of men expect to just be trusted (whether rightly so or not). Had she come from a party and told you "Hey honey, I got a lap dance, didn't like it, but I got a little wet"...would you "chalk it up" to we can't control what turns us on?

 

I mean, I can't control what makes me wet, right? Hell, sometimes, I've been turned on, but wasn't wet enough so needed lube, just like how men can be turned on but not hard. We can also be hard/wet for no reason, this is true. But, tell me any man who's ego wouldn't be a little bruised because another man made his woman wet? It's understandable to be a little mad/hurt, but if the person is honest with you, try to get past it. Communication is key

 

I hope I helped.

[CryForNoOne]

I am devistated. I hate that another woman turned him on, and now I will always wonder and worry about it. We just had a baby a month ago, and he has never cheated in the past, nor did I ever doubt him or think he would, but I do consider this cheating. I dont see the difference in a stripper dancing on him, and any other woman dancing on him. I feel disgusted by him, and I am very disappointed. I am seriously considering breaking up with him.

 

I honestly would not be upset if my fiancé got aroused by a lap dance from a male stripper, but I understand and respect how some woman would be upset by what happened. But you didn't set boundaries beforehand AND he came clean and was completely honest about it. I actually think it's incredibly naive for you to think this wouldn't happen at a bachelor party. Still I'd be fine with labeling it as a minor misstep on his part if you have conservative values. BUT when you start saying things like "devasted" and it was "cheating". And you're considering breaking up with him over this when you already have a BABY!!!

 

WTF!!!!!!!!!

 

Ruin your child's life over a lap dance???

 

Sorry you're nuts.

[pteromom]

You feel the way you feel, and it isn't "wrong" to feel that way. Some people have no issues with strip clubs, and some find them deeply offensive and neither viewpoint is right or wrong.

 

The issue here was communication. When you found out your fiance was going to a strip club, did you talk to him about your feelings and expectations? Did you guys agree on any "rules"?

 

It sounds to me like he has very different feelings about it than you do. To him, it was no big deal. And neither of you are right or wrong. But you have a responsibility to talk to him so that he understands your values and expectations and feelings.

 

I wouldn't leave him over this. This is an issue that can lead to major growth in your relationship. Talk about it! Not in an accusatory way "I can't believe you got a boner!!!" "You're disgusting!" etc... but about YOUR feelings. "To me, a lap dance is cheating and here's why..." "I just want to know that you love me and only want me." etc.

 

The last bit of advice I'll offer is that the thoughts you feed become reality. If you just sit there and imagine a beautiful stripper grinding on him over and over, you aren't going to get over it. Change your thoughts. The stripper has black teeth from using drugs. Her crotch smells like rotten squid. She has lice. Instead of imagining him sitting there drooling like a fool, imagine that he is really really uncomfortable, and scared of being judged by his friends. He's gritting his teeth just trying not to say or do anything stupid. (The boner is physical and has no relevance to his feelings... do you control when your nipples get hard?)

 

If you change the imagery, you will change your feelings about what happened.

[pteromom]

Hi I'm new here *waves. Well, I would be happy that he was at least honest with you about it. I do feel that he did enjoy it, though, and just said he didn't to spare your feelings.

 

Welcome to LoveShack! Good first post!

[Simon Phoenix]

Hi I'm new here *waves. Well, I would be happy that he was at least honest with you about it. I do feel that he did enjoy it, though, and just said he didn't to spare your feelings.

 

Yes, in my opinion, it makes a man look weak when he succumbs to peer pressure because "Oh no, the guys will call me a pussy" lol. I mean, grow up.

 

If I were at a bachelorette party, I wouldn't want a dance simply because I'm not interested (even though I'm single) and oily, muscled guys in speedos don't turn me on.

 

Now, these guys saying they wouldn't care about male strippers, yeah ok. Maybe it's because your woman goes out of her way to reassure you that you're the only one for her, makes you feel special, fawns all over you etc. A lot of men expect to just be trusted (whether rightly so or not). Had she come from a party and told you "Hey honey, I got a lap dance, didn't like it, but I got a little wet"...would you "chalk it up" to we can't control what turns us on?

 

I mean, I can't control what makes me wet, right? Hell, sometimes, I've been turned on, but wasn't wet enough so needed lube, just like how men can be turned on but not hard. We can also be hard/wet for no reason, this is true. But, tell me any man who's ego wouldn't be a little bruised because another man made his woman wet? It's understandable to be a little mad/hurt, but if the person is honest with you, try to get past it. Communication is key

 

I hope I helped.

 

Wouldn't care in the least if she didn't act on it.

[prettygirl88]

Welcome to LoveShack! Good first post!

 

Thanks pteromom!

[prettygirl88]

Wouldn't care in the least if she didn't act on it.

Well, that would mean you are very secure in yourself and your relationship. I'll still go back to WHY you feel that way. Is it because you're just secure, because she reassures you, or you assume she's not going anywhere (it's happened to me)? Are you older? Most/many men, especially young, can dish it out, but can't take it. You know this is true.

 

Side note: Also, I think there needs to be a good balance (for me anyway) between being secure and "she's MINE!" lol. Sometimes it feels good to know your man is protective over you and wants you to himself. The "whatever I don't care *shrugs" response feels a bit like he's not into me at all. But, calling me every 2 minutes or wanting to know who's on the phone every time will feel controlling.

 

Like stated before though, I think op's guy is a good guy, and she's got nothing to worry about.

 

Edit: Also I wanna point out you said "if she didn't act on it". That's what we women fear. The act of being so aroused you "can't help yourself"(not really talking about strippers, as I know they're not escorts, usually). People act like men can't control themselves around beautiful women, so if he does cheat, it's always blamed on the "skank who threw herself at him", as if he had nothing to do with it. Idk, everyone just needs to be trustworthy, open and honest.

 

Strangely, I have no problem with porn as I watch it myself. I wouldn't care about strippers either if I didn't feel like the guy was thinking "man, if I was single"...lol That's why I'm single now, I don't wanna get hurt

Edited June 13, 2013 by prettygirl88

[Simon Phoenix]

Well, that would mean you are very secure in yourself and your relationship. I'll still go back to WHY you feel that way. Is it because you're just secure, because she reassures you, or you assume she's not going anywhere (it's happened to me)? Are you older? Most/many men, especially young, can dish it out, but can't take it. You know this is true.

 

Side note: Also, I think there needs to be a good balance (for me anyway) between being secure and "she's MINE!" lol. Sometimes it feels good to know your man is protective over you and wants you to himself. The "whatever I don't care *shrugs" response feels a bit like he's not into me at all. But, calling me every 2 minutes or wanting to know who's on the phone every time will feel controlling.

 

Like stated before though, I think op's guy is a good guy, and she's got nothing to worry about.

 

Edit: Also I wanna point out you said "if she didn't act on it". That's what we women fear. The act of being so aroused you "can't help yourself"(not really talking about strippers, as I know they're not escorts, usually). People act like men can't control themselves around beautiful women, so if he does cheat, it's always blamed on the "skank who threw herself at him", as if he had nothing to do with it. Idk, everyone just needs to be trustworthy, open and honest.

 

Strangely, I have no problem with porn as I watch it myself. I wouldn't care about strippers either if I didn't feel like the guy was thinking "man, if I was single"...lol That's why I'm single now, I don't wanna get hurt

 

Well, if they act on, they're gone. It's as simple as putting up set boundaries and sticking to them. I don't worry about people cheating on me because when I find out, it's over. I mean each action in life has consquences. I'm not going to worry about stuff I can't control, but if a line is crossed, I will enforce the penalty.

 

And yes, i'm in my 30s, but I felt this way when I was young as well.

[prettygirl88]

Well, if they act on, they're gone. It's as simple as putting up set boundaries and sticking to them. I don't worry about people cheating on me because when I find out, it's over. I mean each action in life has consquences. I'm not going to worry about stuff I can't control, but if a line is crossed, I will enforce the penalty.

 

And yes, i'm in my 30s, but I felt this way when I was young as well.

Ah, ok. I understand where you're coming from, but people can cheat forever and you'd never know. I know someone who's 25 and never met her father. She just recently found out that her dad is married with adult kids, and her mom was the other woman(and of course got pregnant with her). The wife still doesn't know, at least to her/my knowledge. Maybe he plans to take this secret to the grave. So, there is/was no chance for her to find out and leave.

 

That's the kind of thing I'm afraid of. *Not trying to scare OP

Edited June 14, 2013 by prettygirl88

[Simon Phoenix]

Ah, ok. I understand where you're coming from, but people can cheat forever and you'd never know. I know someone who's 25 and never met her father. She just recently found out that her dad is married with adult kids, and her mom was the other woman(and of course got pregnant with her). The wife still doesn't know, at least to her/my knowledge. Maybe he plans to take this secret to the grave. So, there is/was no chance for her to find out and leave.

 

That's the kind of thing I'm afraid of. *Not trying to scare OP

 

That's like being worried that the next plane I board will crash into a mountain. Sure, it could happen and it would suck if it does, but I'm not going to lose sleep thinking about the possibility of it happening. Just the way I roll.

[prettygirl88]

That's like being worried that the next plane I board will crash into a mountain. Sure, it could happen and it would suck if it does, but I'm not going to lose sleep thinking about the possibility of it happening. Just the way I roll.

 

Interesting. That's the hardest part for me. It'd be nice to just put the seat back, roll down the window, close my eyes and trust he's taking me in the right direction. But, guy my age (24) aren't really the most trustworthy bunch. Maybe in 10 years lol.

[Simon Phoenix]

Interesting. That's the hardest part for me. It'd be nice to just put the seat back, roll down the window, close my eyes and trust he's taking me in the right direction. But, guy my age (24) aren't really the most trustworthy bunch. Maybe in 10 years lol.

 

Meh, I'll trust someone until they give me a reason not to trust them. Then I'll never trust them again. No point in being afraid of something that hasn't happened yet.

[crederer]

I can understand your thoughts. If I were in your shoes it would probably bother me too. But from a guys perspective, he probably felt pressure to go along with it and not be a debby downer.

 

Female strippers don't touch really. I'm sure it was all in good fun and well intentions.

 

As for him getting an erection, that's going to happen. You can't hold that against him. I've heard women before saying it's impossible for a man to get raped if he had a boner because that means he wanted it (I've heard this said by several women, which is baffeling). Just because he had an erection doesn't mean he wanted it.

[Simon Phoenix]

How comical that the same guys who are telling the OP what a psycho she is, and how SHE'S going to 'break up her family' because she's upset about her boyfriend, are the SAME ones who'd probably go ballistic if their girlfriends had a male stripper grinding his junk in her face and she was all turned on.

 

Hypocrites.

 

I also find it quite amusing that everyone is SO sure he told her the complete truth. Men never tell the REAL story if they can help it.

 

This was a completely unproductive, lazy response.