Fiancee got lap dance...

[imadil89]

This is a complete and utter overreaction. She was entertainment, he didn't sleep with her, he didn't kiss her, she has nothing to do with his feelings for you. It was his friend's bachelor party, not his party. Don't create conflict where there is none.

 

i agree. he told u the truth. so he is not cheating. Trust him for that

[BeholdtheMan]

So my fiancee is the best man in his best friends wedding, and for the bachelor party, the groom said he wanted to get a stripper. I knew of this, and was fine with it, but I thought there would be NO touching... The day after the party, my fiancee told me that he had gotten a lap dance.

 

It seriously broke my heart to hear him say that. It has been 4 days and I can't get the image out of my head.... A woman that isn't me, wearing nothing but a g string, dancing and grinding on him, with her boobs on his face. He said he didn't ask for it, and the stripper asked who the best man was, after the groom got his dance, and all the guys pointed, and he didn't want to be a buzz kill and say "no". He said he didn't like it, and the stripper was nasty, but he got a boner.

 

I am devistated. I hate that another woman turned him on, and now I will always wonder and worry about it. We just had a baby a month ago, and he has never cheated in the past, nor did I ever doubt him or think he would, but I do consider this cheating. I dont see the difference in a stripper dancing on him, and any other woman dancing on him. I feel disgusted by him, and I am very disappointed. I am seriously considering breaking up with him.

 

I feel like if he didn't want the stripper on him, then she wouldn't have been on him. I feel like I can't trust him anymore. Should I feel like this or am I crazy? Am I over reacting? I love him, and don't want to be with anyone else, but I don't want to be with someone that thinks it's okay to let woman dance on him.

Courtney, you're not crazy for feeling disgusted. To put it mildly, I'd be really annoyed if my SO lets a male stripper grind his c*ck all over her body.

 

However, I think your fiance did two things right:

1) He seems to have been honest about the whole affair.

 

2) He was in an all-male "let's party" environment which no doubt entails peer pressure:

 

His claim that he found it nasty may be his attempt to minimise the damage. Of course, he could have honestly found it nasty and just went through with it to shut his friends up and not be a party pooper.

 

Did he know that it would bother you this much beforehand? If he did, I think he should've stood firm and weathered the peer pressure. Peer pressure can be tough sometimes but I believe that a true man of honour is able to rise above the herd and stay true to his principles.

 

I can understand why you'd be disappointed in him. It's really up to you to decide whether you want to forgive him. If you leave him over this, it would be understandable but I think if all he says is true, forgiveness should still be an option for you to consider.

[chucksagent]

You people must all be very young or not had many life experiences.

 

Ever hear that song "No sex in the champagne room?"

 

NOTHING happens with strippers...someone above said it best "Female strippers don't even touch and you can't touch them."

 

Whereas male strippers, or male revue's, or the chipendales, they get VERY interactive. I know females who went to them, and they say they put their crotch right ON your face (not near), that they rub their (sometimes erect) p's up and down your legs, that they rub their hands all up and down you.

 

Female strip clubs are fun for guys but REALLY a total waste of money because you can't touch and NOTHING happens.

 

I can see why you would be jealous/upset, but EVERY guy does this...seriously...if you go to a bachelor party and are that guy in the corner "no lap dances for me." Then you are a hero and probably the guy nobody likes. It's not like they are doing heroin or cocaine...they are getting a dance from a half naked lady....entertainment.

[Archanaart]

So my fiancee is the best man in his best friends wedding, and for the bachelor party, the groom said he wanted to get a stripper. I knew of this, and was fine with it, but I thought there would be NO touching... The day after the party, my fiancee told me that he had gotten a lap dance.

 

It seriously broke my heart to hear him say that. It has been 4 days and I can't get the image out of my head.... A woman that isn't me, wearing nothing but a g string, dancing and grinding on him, with her boobs on his face. He said he didn't ask for it, and the stripper asked who the best man was, after the groom got his dance, and all the guys pointed, and he didn't want to be a buzz kill and say "no". He said he didn't like it, and the stripper was nasty, but he got a boner.

 

I am devistated. I hate that another woman turned him on, and now I will always wonder and worry about it. We just had a baby a month ago, and he has never cheated in the past, nor did I ever doubt him or think he would, but I do consider this cheating. I dont see the difference in a stripper dancing on him, and any other woman dancing on him. I feel disgusted by him, and I am very disappointed. I am seriously considering breaking up with him.

 

I feel like if he didn't want the stripper on him, then she wouldn't have been on him. I feel like I can't trust him anymore. Should I feel like this or am I crazy? Am I over reacting? I love him, and don't want to be with anyone else, but I don't want to be with someone that thinks it's okay to let woman dance on him.

 

If you knew there was going to be a stripper then maybe you should've made it clear to your fiancé that you did not want him interacting with the stripper or getting lap dances.

[Simon Phoenix]

Unfortunately we live in a world where men get lap dances and get excused for it, but if a woman did the same thing she is an "untrustworthy bitch" (direct words taken from men on this site)

 

My motto in life is dont do things to others that you wouldnt want done to yourself.

Very very very few men have this motto. Its all about their wants and needs. I have only found ONE man in my entire life who genuinely treated women the way he wanted to be treated. Most men today have the motto: do what I want to do but demand more from women. Todays generation of men is weak and selfish and this is why dating is of little interest to me but I do enjoy hearing other peoples experiences.

 

There are bachelorette parties where a male stripper does things like slap his cock in a woman's face and you should see how ballistic their men go. Selfishness for the win.

 

More like lazy stereotyping for the win.

[Simon Phoenix]

Not lazy stereotyping. I love how men deflect anything that doesnt portray them in a 100% positive light.

 

Ive been to a ton of bacholerette parties, over 10 I believe (how many have you been to?), and Ive seen the reverse situation many times. Men cannot handle what they dish out to women. When they do something inappropriate where they cannot bother to think of their S.O's feelings, its excuses out the wazoo, if a woman does it she is the devil who is never to be trusted again.

 

I have to meet that man (or men) that turned you so bitter to the whole gender. Edit: just saw a response of yours in another thread. I'd rather not meet them, but still, we aren't all evil.

Edited June 21, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[rainfall]

OP I understand how you feel. If I was in your situation I would be just as furious as you. I really don't understand the stripper/lap dance/cheating is ok mentality some men have before they or one of their friend's get married.

And yes if someone has made it clear they consider a lap dance cheating then in that relationship it is cheating.

 

I would think it would make a man more of a wuss to care more about what his friend's think and go ahead and do something knowing it will cause his SO pain then to decline the activity.

[Simon Phoenix]

OP I understand how you feel. If I was in your situation I would be just as furious as you. I really don't understand the stripper/lap dance/cheating is ok mentality some men have before they or one of their friend's get married.

And yes if someone has made it clear they consider a lap dance cheating then in that relationship it is cheating.

 

I would think it would make a man more of a wuss to care more about what his friend's think and go ahead and do something knowing it will cause his SO pain then to decline the activity.

 

The problem is she didn't make it clear that a lapdance = cheating in her mind. And not everyone has the same interpretation of what a lapdance means. Some see it as entertainment, some see it as she does and as you do. It's not an open and shut interpretation, which is evidenced by the different views in this thread. Obviously what the fiance thought and what the OP thought didn't match up.

 

If the fiance knew the OP's thoughts on the subject and did it anyway, that's one thing and she'd be right to be pissed. But I don't see anything in her posts that indicate that.

[baRx]

i wasted my time reading the OP, and then wasted my time reading maybe 6 of the replies. i won't bother with the other 4 or 5 pages.

 

first of all, why in the world is this 5 pages long? are you people SERIOUSLY debating this topic?

 

secondly, to the OP: i get you're upset, but this is absolutely nothing to fret over and even moreso, nothing to break up with the guy over. you need to realize that strippers are entertainment. you also need to realize that although he may not have liked it, or wanted it, the fact that if he said "no" would have been a buzzkill and his friends would have dogged him for years to come. he did what any guy in his situation would do, taken or not.

also, he was completely honest with you about getting a boner during it... like one of the other posters said, it happens. we're guys. it doesn't matter who is grinding on us or whatever, if it's a woman, we're going to get hard. it's not something we can control, we can't talk to it and say things like "please don't work right now."

at least he told you. he could have said she was gross and it didn't affect him at all. actually, he probably should have - because now this has turned into a crazy issue, when it's not needed.

 

as a guy who's hung out in a strip club on a regular basis, it's not what you think it is. these girls don't want to do this. they hate stripping. they barely make any money, it's disgusting, the guys are usually pigs who think they're going to get lucky if they flirt for a little while, the club(s) treat them like trash, and most of them are drug addicts. these girls aren't giving lap dances because they want to play around with the guy or anything. most of these strippers aren't attracted to these types of guys. i have stripper friends that do nothing but talk trash about the guys they give dances to, or the guys who think they're going to get lucky. these girls throw on a quick smile, bat their eyes - and these guys eat it up. the lap dances most of them give are just made to LOOK like something. it looks worse than it really is. she's just doing her job.

again, it's only entertainment.

 

now i'll state again that i haven't bothered to read all of these pages or anything, so maybe i'm late to the party -- but please, take into consideration that your fiance, whom you know loves you very much, only partook in the event because he was his buddie's best man and wanted to keep the good time going, for his friend. it had nothing to do with him "cheating" on you, because he didn't cheat at all.

[Woggle]

I would never want my wife having some guy grind on her so I would never get a lap dance. It is cheating if you ask me.

[Clockwork]

Just a little bit of advice for women when their men go to strip clubs or get a stripper for a bachelor party. It is never innocent. Your fiancee told you what happened but my guess is that more happened. If a stripper knows the guy has a boner she's going to grind on him. An outright lie right there is that your fiancee told you the stripper was nasty but still got a boner. You see a conflicting story here?

 

On my bachelor party I went with a bunch of my friends and hit a bar - a normal bar. We had a few, did some things down the main street and crashed in a hotel. I wasn't single then, I was 3 weeks away from getting married. The days of me grinding with strippers were over and I was fine with it. I just didn't think it was right to do anymore.

 

But if a guy goes to a strip club at a bachelor party, let's just say the future groom is treated like a king. There is a reason there aren't pictures of bachelor parties. Sorry to be a bit of a buzz kill here, but the fact that a private stripper was at a bachelor party might even make it more discreet. Let's just say I've been to my share of bachelor parties and if the future wives knew half of the stuff going on.............

[chucksagent]

clockwork - I've had the opposite experience. I've been to tons of bachelor parties, once just recently, and NOTHING bad happened...honestly. If grinding on someone is cheating, is Madonna or Fergie cheating every time they go on stage? If seeing someone of the opposite sex naked is cheating, is every movie you watch cheating? If kissing someone of the opposite sex is cheating, if your significant other is into acting or stage theater, if they kiss or have a love scene, is that cheating?

 

SOMETIMES, there are exceptions to the rules, especially in art and entertainment. Stripping is an art form and form of entertainment. The girls DO NOT want your want...they DO NOT want to hook up with him...They are there to perform and most of all, make money.

 

And ang, you act like ONLY men can be hypocrites...let's talk about the ole "significant friend of opposite sex!!!"

 

You ALWAYS see girls come into a relationship with "tons of guy friends." And the boyfriends hate it and the girlfriend says "Sorry, I just get along better with guys." NOW, if roles were reversed, the girlfriend would be FLIPPING! So there are double standard and hypocrisies all over the place, it doesn't stand to the right or wrong morality issue of strip clubs.

[ChessPieceFace]

If I needed a man in my life to be happy perhaps Id be unhappy but Ive always been independent. Im much happier being single and turn away men when they ask me out because I dont like to date. Women can just not handle the truth.

 

Having a brain and putting years and years of observations together doesnt make me bitter. Saying something you dont like doesnt make me bitter. In my world, this is how men act.

All the men you think are more respectful than what I wrote are simply lying to you. I get told by men all the time they all lie about stuff like this because if they spoke the truth they could never keep women. They are pigs frankly.

 

Yes, my views are very biased even though over 90% of the men around me think this way and are very open about it. My own male relatives that love me to death and are older warn me this is how men are. So yes, Im sooooo biased.

 

I'll extend it even further so you can see the flaws - we (as in both men and women of the human race) are inherently all selfish animals. At least that's what our genes tell us to be. But we live in a society with rules, and also higher concepts and expectations of morality. Judging someone for their impulses is wrong - people should be judged for how they act on them.

 

I'll tell you something else -- husbands-to-be I know in Christian circles didn't even have bachelor parties per se. They have some kind of get-together but don't go out and drink and watch strippers and certainly not the other things being assumed and implied here. They're still men, they still have the same biological impulses but they've made a choice (in this case based on a religious ideal) to avoid those things. Other men might not be religious but might still avoid those things. Still other men who do watch a stripper might enjoy it as sexual entertainment (like watching porn) but are smart enough to know it's just entertainment and would have no interest or desire to be with that woman, even if it was offered.

 

You sell men short and I feel sad that your skewed perceptions have caused you to give up.

[ChessPieceFace]

Women are waaaay too trusting of men. I know 3 men personally who cheated during their bachelor party. Of course they are going to lie to their future wife about it! I also know a girl who use to be a stripper and the things she told me (and she didn't work at a low class strip club either) were astonishing about the amount of men that lie

 

DNA tests accidentally proved that over 20% of kids were secretly by a different guy and the women never told the husband. Oops, your high horse broke its legs.

[jkepler85]

I would agree way overreacting here.

 

If you had such strong feelings, you should have voiced them when he told you about the bachelor party and strippers before hand.

 

Retroactively holding it against him is just not right.

[Justme12]

I wish I had your situation OP. My husband took it too far. Read my post from last month and you will feel better!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/392593-hanging-out-stripper

[TG1]

So my fiancee is the best man in his best friends wedding, and for the bachelor party, the groom said he wanted to get a stripper. I knew of this, and was fine with it, but I thought there would be NO touching... The day after the party, my fiancee told me that he had gotten a lap dance.

 

It seriously broke my heart to hear him say that. It has been 4 days and I can't get the image out of my head.... A woman that isn't me, wearing nothing but a g string, dancing and grinding on him, with her boobs on his face. He said he didn't ask for it, and the stripper asked who the best man was, after the groom got his dance, and all the guys pointed, and he didn't want to be a buzz kill and say "no". He said he didn't like it, and the stripper was nasty, but he got a boner.

 

I am devistated. I hate that another woman turned him on, and now I will always wonder and worry about it. We just had a baby a month ago, and he has never cheated in the past, nor did I ever doubt him or think he would, but I do consider this cheating. I dont see the difference in a stripper dancing on him, and any other woman dancing on him. I feel disgusted by him, and I am very disappointed. I am seriously considering breaking up with him.

 

I feel like if he didn't want the stripper on him, then she wouldn't have been on him. I feel like I can't trust him anymore. Should I feel like this or am I crazy? Am I over reacting? I love him, and don't want to be with anyone else, but I don't want to be with someone that thinks it's okay to let woman dance on him.

 

Yes I would say you are over-reacting a lot, because it is a bachelor party and it isn't like the lapdance meant anything to him because if it did, do you honestly think that he would be with you right now if that were the case? He doesn't want the stripper, he wants you, he has a family with you and not her, so why push him away over something that meant nothing? And besides he was with his friends and they were pressuring him and of course he couldn't say no, so he had to take one for the team and what if the roles were reversed and you were at a bachelorette party and a male stripper was dancing on you and your fiance found out about it, how would he feel? He would probably feel the same way you are feeling but at the same time he wouldn't go as far as to break up with you now would he?

[The Way I Am]

Courtneyyy and Dove, I don't understand at all what you're upset about much less why you'd be livid.

 

I've gotten lap dances before from female strippers. If I had a penis, I would have gotten an erection, and I'm a totally straight female. But a lap dance isn't sex, and it just seems silly to me to consider it cheating.

 

A guy who frequents strip clubs = creepy and gross. A guy who got a lap dance at a bachelor party = normal and nothing to worry about.

 

Unless your man's making a habit of visiting strippers, calm down and don't ruin you relationship.

[eddyctv]

Not a big deal!

[eddyctv]

Courtneyyy and Dove, I don't understand at all what you're upset about much less why you'd be livid.

 

I've gotten lap dances before from female strippers. If I had a penis, I would have gotten an erection, and I'm a totally straight female. But a lap dance isn't sex, and it just seems silly to me to consider it cheating.

 

A guy who frequents strip clubs = creepy and gross. A guy who got a lap dance at a bachelor party = normal and nothing to worry about.

 

Unless your man's making a habit of visiting strippers, calm down and don't ruin you relationship.

 

Well said!!!

[DannyMason]

DNA tests accidentally proved that over 20% of kids were secretly by a different guy and the women never told the husband. Oops, your high horse broke its legs.

 

The number I've seen is that it's actually 1 in 20 or 5%.

[eddyctv]

Just a little bit of advice for women when their men go to strip clubs or get a stripper for a bachelor party. It is never innocent.

 

Never?

 

I've been to about 7 bachelor parties...so me, and everyone there, cheated on their significant others?

 

Nice logic.

[jennifersmith]

OK, let's face the fact that you know there is a stripper and you've approved it. What do you think strippers do at a bachelor party if not to strip and provide lap dances? If you had adamantly told him not to get a lap dance and he still did, then that is worrying. If not, and he came home and told you so, I think you should just have a talk with him, and let him know this is utterly unacceptable behavior to you. If he is otherwise a great man, and you have a baby, I believe you should not break up your relationship over a stripper.

[The Way I Am]

Oh I went to a club and grinded against a man whilst having a boyfriend. No worries, it was just a grind and meant nothing! You gotta trust me!

 

Roles reversed, mean would flip. Men are s e l f I s h

 

Dont be dense. That's not roles reversed. The reverse of a man getting a lap dance from a female stripper is a woman getting a lap dance from a male stripper. If a guy wants to go to bachelor parties with strippers, he should be ok with his SO going to bachelorette parties with strippers. Otherwise it's a double standard. He doesn't have to be ok with his gf grinding on random men in clubs. That's a completely different thing.

[Simon Phoenix]

Oh I went to a club and grinded against a man whilst having a boyfriend. No worries, it was just a grind and meant nothing! You gotta trust me!

 

Roles reversed, mean would flip. Men are s e l f I s h

 

I don't know who screwed you up when it comes to men, but you are one bitter woman.