Play dates, am I over reacting?

[Lady_Rainicorn]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 7 months now. He has a 5 year old son who he takes to school every morning, he interacts a lot with one of the moms there b/c his son and her daughter are good friends.

 

About 3 months ago he came home and told me that the little girls mother at his sons school is always flirting with him.

About a month later I found out they exchanged numbers, she would text him through out the day, asking questions like, what kind of music do you listen to? How old are you? What high school did you go to? And he'd respond, which really bothered me b/c we were suppose to be spending time together.

Two weeks after that, she suggested they should go have drinks , and he agreed (he failed to mention to her that he has a gf). I asked him if he told her, and he told me no, he doesn't like sharing person stuff with people. ((keep that statement in mind))

Well she brought up going out for drinks again, he then told her he has a gf, and her response was, "she has nothing to worry about, so do I ;)" ((Not sure if that makes it right?))

Shortly after that, play day were scheduled after school between their kids. My boyfriend would go to her house or she would come to his. Which really bothered me. I felt like she was using the kids as an excuse to hangout with him. My boyfriend tries to make me feel better by saying she's a lesbian, and expresses to me how much he hates her, and he hates being around the little girl and her mom.

He knows I don't support these play dates bc I feel like she's just trying to hangout with him. He even told her how I feel about them (I don't support them). At times times they schedule them and he won't tell me about them b/c he says that what he and his son do is none of my business, which really upsets me.

My question to you all is do you all think I'm over reacting for saying I don't support these play dates? He said he does them for his son, and he's not going to stop b/c his son comes first. He calls me jealous and says I'm imagining things that aren't happening. I never accused him of cheating on me, all I tell him is that she's just trying to hang out with him and using the kids (I base this on the start of their friendship). I have dated people with kids in the past and have never dealt with this.

At the moment he and I aren't speaking, we argue once a week b/c of this and it's becoming exhausting. I just wish he understood why I don't support them. Am I overreacting?

Edited June 12, 2013 by Lady_Rainicorn

[CarrieT]

He said he does them for his son, and he's not going to stop b/c his son comes first.

^^^^ THIS ^^^^

 

Do *NOT* try to dictate how he should raise his son. Either you trust him or you don't.

 

If you do not trust him, then end the relationship because this can only get worse if you continue down this path.

[Lady_Rainicorn]

Hi CarrieT thanks for your response. I would like to reiterated that I don't support them, but never once told him he couldn't take his son on play dates, I told him that I understand that they are going to happen, but feel like he could so something more to make me feel more secure. Possibly invite me on a play date, they always happen during the middle of the day while I'm at work, she (the mom) seems to know his schedule and when he has his son and will call him schedule play dates. I did forget to mention that this mom also knows my boyfriends sons mom, and never schedules play dates with her.

[salparadise]

Am I overreacting?

 

Yes. The problem is not the lesbian.

[AverageCat]

Not overreacting at all IMO.

 

Seems like your bf priorities are not your feelings.

 

How did going for drinks with some random lady that you DO NOT know, that flirts with him, help him raise his son? IMO that would break some of my boundaries. Would he be cool if you went out with some guy he doesn't know for drinks???

 

I'm not saying he's cheating, but he's not showing you he cares... which he could have since the beginning by telling the lady he has a gf. For all you know he could just be checking if he's more compatible with this other person.

 

I'd treat this as an open Relationship and go do my thing, without cheating obviously.

[Cutiepie1976]

Most people prioritize their children over a girlfriend/boyfriend. That's just how it goes. He will have a lifelong relationship with his son. You are just a girlfriend right now--no lifetime commitment there.

 

Kids have play dates with the kids they befriend.

 

Two options here:

1. Accept that his son will have friends and will play with them. You are not the child's mother. You don't get to dictate what the child does or who the child gets to befriend. He doesn't need your "approval" on how he raises his child or the choices he makes for his son.
   
2. Walk away...or if you keep this up, he walks away.
   

[Lady_Rainicorn]

Most people prioritize their children over a girlfriend/boyfriend. That's just how it goes. He will have a lifelong relationship with his son. You are just a girlfriend right now--no lifetime commitment there.

 

Kids have play dates with the kids they befriend.

 

Two options here:

1. Accept that his son will have friends and will play with them. You are not the child's mother. You don't get to dictate what the child does or who the child gets to befriend. He doesn't need your "approval" on how he raises his child or the choices he makes for his son.
   
2. Walk away...or if you keep this up, he walks away.
   

 

Cutiepie1976 thanks for your response. I would like to point out that I never told him he couldn't go on these play dates, I never once told him how to raise his son, or who his son can/can't play with. My problem here is this woman who flirts with him, asked him for drinks, then play dates start to happen weekly. I think she's using the kids as an excuse to hangout with my bf, my bf told me that one of the play dates, they drank beer, then they smoked pot b/c everyone who smokes, come together and does it. This is during play dates. I don't understand how someone can have play dates and do these things, aren't you suppose to be interacting with your kid? I'm not a mother but if I were I'd do things differently. Also, for my bf to say what he and his son do is non of my business, I feel like this isn't fair to me. We've talked about moving in together and even having a room at our place for his son (his mom has full custody), how can he bring someone into my life and then tell me he's none of my business. He gets offended if I ask if he went on a play date, he'll say "don't worry about it", or "what's it matter?" If I ask a question, all I'm looking for is an honest straight answer.

[CarrieT]

but feel like he could so something more to make me feel more secure.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't think it is a partner's responsibility to make another "feel secure."

 

Either you are secure in the relationship via your communication or you are not.

 

It seems you are not secure and comfortable with him interacting with other (or this particular?) woman, despite his assurances. Have you asked - perhaps - to invite this woman and the child over for an evening or weekend play date so that you can all interact, since you are not available for the daytime ones she is scheduling?

[Lady_Rainicorn]

 

Either you are secure in the relationship via your communication or you are not.

 

Have you asked - perhaps - to invite this woman and the child over for an evening or weekend play date so that you can all interact, since you are not available for the daytime ones she is scheduling?

 

He doesn't communicate with me, he says he's a grown man when I ask him a question, he gets offensive.

 

And I have asked him to invite them to the movies with us, instead he'll respond with, why do you want to put yourself in a situation you're comfortable in?" So we didn't go to the movies.

 

I'll suggest that maybe me meeting her will make me feel a little more at ease. I understand it's not his responsibility to make me feel secure, but after everything that he has told me (the flirting, the invitations out for a drink, the texts) It makes me feel as though this woman wants to just hang out with him.

[Cutiepie1976]

You don't sound compatible. Move on.

[CarrieT]

He doesn't communicate with me, he says he's a grown man when I ask him a question, he gets offensive.

Like CutiePie said, you guys are not compatible.

 

A good, healthy relationship involves open and honest communication. If that is not happening -- i.e., he gets offensive or defensive(?) -- than it is time to move on and find someone with whom you can have these discussions with without drama.

[Lady_Rainicorn]

Like CutiePie said, you guys are not compatible.

 

A good, healthy relationship involves open and honest communication. If that is not happening -- i.e., he gets offensive or defensive(?) -- than it is time to move on and find someone with whom you can have these discussions with without drama.

 

Thanks everyone! You all are right if we can not communicate then there is no point in continuing this relationship. I have told him that he needs to communicate and be honest with me and his response has always been it's none of your business.

 

When I ask him how his day went he'll usually just respond with "good". He's very private, never tells me what goes on. I like to converse and when someone asks how my day was, I break it down not give them one worded answers. I understand men can be this way, so....

Edited June 12, 2013 by Lady_Rainicorn

[AMusing]

So. This boyfriend:

1) Doesn't take any actions to assuage your fears/insecurities about this play date friend. While I don't think a SO should bend over backwards to help someone feel secure, and security should come from within, you should also feel comfortable telling your partner when you don't feel secure, and be able to discuss ways he could help.

2) Texts during his dates with you.

3) Doesn't tell women who ask him out that he's seeing someone.

4) Says he "hates" this "friend" of his--and hates her daughter?!? I'm assuming he's lying about this to get you off his back, but those are pretty nasty words to say about a 5-year-old.

5) Tells this "friend" that you are jealous of her and not supportive.

6) Hides his life from you, and tells you it's none of your business when you ask, or gives you one-word answers.

7) Argues with you weekly about this (you are guilty of this too). In fact, isn't talking to you at the moment because of the fights.

8) Won't let you go on a playdate so you can see there's nothing to worry about. In fact he schedules them when he knows you won't be around.

9) Smokes pot & drinks during the (ahem, daytime?!?) playdates. This is seriously disturbing. Like, child protective services disturbing. Does his son's mother know he's intoxicated while taking care of their child?

 

And this is the guy you want to live with? Really?

 

The lesbian mom in a committed relationship who was flirting with your boyfriend a few months ago but now is a purely platonic friend (whom he hates) is the least of your problems.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks everyone! You all are right if we can not communicate then there is no point in continuing this relationship. I have told him that he needs to communicate and be honest with me and his response has always been it's none of your business.

 

When I ask him how his day went he'll usually just respond with "good". He's very private, never tells me what goes on. I like to converse and when someone asks how my day was, I break it down not give them one worded answers. I understand men can be this way, so....

 

You aren't compatible, but men do not like to dish about their day. We answer in 15 words or less, women are doing well if they answer in 15 minutes or less.

 

But anyway, you shouldn't be interjecting in what he does with his child and he shouldn't be acting all weird when you ask him questions. Seems like you are trying to mix oil and water.

[dasein]

Agree with AverageCat and Amusing and think some of the "it's about the kids, respect that" is kind of off-base. This woman flirts with your BF, he doesn't say he has a GF, then lo and behold, they are spending time alone together "for the children?" Hoo-haa.

 

I read Amusing's list and think this is a guy you should dump for -his- being a jerk, not for any fault of yours or that your are simply "incompatible." He's a cake-eating a-hole. Evacuate and move on.

 

And as far as the "kids come first" crowd? That doesn't mean that one's SO comes last and is due no respect of their feelings. He could have 1. invited you, 2. organized more groupy type playdates in other places, 3... a whole host of things. He didn't because he is selfish and there is very likely something going on here.

 

Whenever someone new enters your SO's life, and your SO gives a bit too much detail about how they "hate them," "nothing could ever happen there," what they said, etc., be very concerned. It's a tell to assuage guilt and tell a partial truth to release pressure "I hate her......... because I can't control myself from sex with her and it makes me feel guilty." Have experienced this so many times in business and relationships. When they "overcompensate" with unnecessary detail, put your spider sense in full on alert mode, as in all likelihood something is going on.

 

Get shed of this selfish ass. He should have instantly terminated contact withthis woman the instant you expressed discomfort instead of feebly crutching on "the kids." Good luck.

[Annapol]

"Two weeks after that, she suggested they should go have drinks , and he agreed (he failed to mention to her that he has a gf)."

 

'Nuff said. Not cool.

 

Why is any kind of drinking involved in anything to do with kids? This is not someone who is behaving in a trustworthy manner.

[Lady_Rainicorn]

Thanks for yalls responses. I'm glad you all understand what I'm saying,AMusing, Annapol, dasein.

[2sunny]

His behavior with her has no/light boundaries.

 

 

He's not honoring your relationship and acting inappropriate with her.

 

He's setting the tone to see if you find it acceptable - it's not ok.

 

This is the way cheating starts - he must think you're a fool.

 

Don't be his fool.

[Try]

And as far as the "kids come first" crowd? That doesn't mean that one's SO comes last and is due no respect of their feelings. He could have 1. invited you, 2. organized more groupy type playdates in other places, 3... a whole host of things. He didn't because he is selfish and there is very likely something going on here.

Quoted for truth!!

 

I was very surprised that some on this site so blindly backed the boyfriend's rude way of handling this just because he had a son. I am sorry but smoking pot on a play date is not a father putting his son first. I also do not understand how she can go from flirting with him to being a lesbian, I call bull to her being a lesbian. If my wife scheduled play date with another man and his child, and refused to schedule any that included me, I would be an idiot to allow it to continue. The only difference here is that I am in a committed relationship with my wife, and apparently she is not in one with her boyfriend.

[dasein]

I also do not understand how she can go from flirting with him to being a lesbian, I call bull to her being a lesbian.

 

Every woman who has ever sent me unsolicited racy or naked pictures of herself that were taken by someone else... every single one,

 

"These were taken by my -gay- friend. Hope you like them!"

 

Mhhhmmm... .........

[tbf]

Based on the opening post, there's something wrong with this picture and it's not a communication or compatibility problem.

 

I'd say he's attracted, enjoying the attention and is possibly emotionally cheating. Whether he's physically cheating, difficult to say.

 

A friend experienced some predatory mothers when picking up his son from daycare, a number of years ago. Since he's a good-looking man, they were on him like white on rice, even though they knew he was married. To avoid any drama by turning down play dates, he would tell them to arrange the play dates with his wife.

[Ursa]

Of course kids come before a romantic interest, and play dates happen, often with people the parents wouldn't necessarily choose to hang out with under other circumstances. But this should all be operating much differently.

 

He categorized this woman's attentions as "flirting" himself. He went out for drinks with her and didn't mention that he has a girlfriend. He's drinking and smoking pot with this woman "he hates :rolleyes:" at her house while disallowing the OP to tag along to see the dynamic for herself. He hides information about what they do together, giving her one-word answers. He wont' let OP invite this woman and her child out on a playdate in which she would be included.

 

It's shady. Come on. Even if nothing physical is actively happening, these dynamics are outside of the norm and NOT something everybody who is dating a parent needs to accept. I wouldn't have accepted this when I was dating my husband, and if anything should ever happen to him and I end up a single parent, I would not treat a potential partner this way.

 

I am a mother, and I am also a stepmother, and this part also stood out for me: "At times times they schedule them and he won't tell me about them b/c he says that what he and his son do is none of my business." While to some extent it is true that a stepparent is ranked a little differently and is not the final arbiter of decision making for a stepchild--and of course OP is not a stepparent yet, or even a very longterm girlfriend--those are simply not the words of a man who is thinking about making her a stepparent, or in any way allowing her to be a partner in raising this child. And raising children together does have to be a partnership, even if one of the partners was not biologically involved in the child's conception.

[Lady_Rainicorn]

He keeps telling me to drop it, but I tell him that we can't drop something and pretend it never happened, b/c it WILL happen again and then we'll just end up arguing....we're just going in circles. He tells me to live in the present, and take things day by day and not worry about it.

I will continue to feel the way I do until he and I can discuss a way that will make this better or just a middle ground of some sort. It's so hard to get him to understand me. He says if people flirt with me then I should just have fun with it bc at the end of the day he'll be coming home to the person he loves.

 

 

I appreciate all of the responses, it actually makes me feel a little better knowing that I'm not over reacting about this.

[Xinreeki]

 

It's so hard to get him to understand me.

 

This ^^ just makes it sound like you may not be compatible, as if you were it would be easier for you to understand each other.

 

Do you really want to keep going round in circles when it comes to things like this? Do you really want it to always be such a struggle to get him to understand you? Do you really want to keep trying so hard to get your feelings across, when the end result always seems to equal nothing but arguments + no point of understanding between you reached?

 

Of course its completely up to you, whether you want to stick with him a bit longer and see if you get any better at understanding each other / communicating / compromising etc, or whether you want to give up now and move on to find someone more compatible with you?

 

I know its horrible to live with anxiety and insecurity , and that it isn't his responsibility to make you feel secure... But if you were more compatible / if he really loved you, surely he'd put in more effort than this to at least try to better understand your point of view?

 

Also I don't know why he thinks its ok to smoke pot and drink on play dates with 5 year old kids running around??

 

Surely at that age they need parents who are alert and watching them closely in case any accidents etc happen? Also yes, I would have thought the whole point of arranging these "play dates" with other kids and their parent(s), would primarily be to interact with the kids?

Edited June 14, 2013 by Xinreeki

[KathyM]

The guy has poor boundaries and poor judgement, if he is drinking and smoking pot during these play dates, and going out for drinks with this woman. He also has no respect for you or your relationship if he is saying this is none of your business, and dismissing your concerns so callously. Time to dump this guy. You are not overreacting to his poor response to this woman's interest.