I'm So Destroyed

[murphomatic]

I can't even begin to express how destroyed I am right now. I've been married to my wife since Nov 5, 2011. My wife stays home (well, more appropriately - she trains for marathoning and runs marathons all over the country - see my other thread and concerns here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/396430-rushing-head-long-into-20s-she-never-got

 

Last night I discovered that she cheated on me over the weekend, and has been having an on-going virtual affair with this man for the past couple months. Trading lots of emails of naked pictures, messages of sweetness to each other, some seriously sexy **** that she would never do for me.

 

We have two kids, though they are not biologically mine - I see them as my own.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm distraught and horrified. My entire life has been turned upside down.

[murphomatic]

I did a somewhat ****ty thing. I made a post to Facebook announcing my discovery. Scarlet Lettered her. I realized about 15 minutes later that it was probably not my best idea and deleted it, but plenty of people saw it.

 

She actually had the nerve to say by me doing that, it would reduce our ability to reconcile. I believe she's right ... but that same time, I hurt so badly.

[BetrayedH]

If she's threatening you and shifting guilt onto you, she's not remorseful for her actions and YOU shouldn't consider reconciling.

 

Ask her to leave. Tell her to get out and go to her OM. See an attorney. I suggest you file for divorce. Believe it or not, it's your best route to reconciling and if it isn't effective in waking her up, you're on the road to the divorce you need. If you see true remorse, you can always pause the proceedings.

 

Don't accept unacceptable behavior. Respect yourself. Reject her behavior and make her prove herself to you. Anything short of this is selling yourself short, which you will regret.

[SmokeRat]

Hey Murph,

 

I'm so angry about your situation brother, this sort of thing is such a load of bull****.

 

Listen, I did the whole scarlet letter thing to my STBX, and she lost her ****. Threw me out of her mother's house, took off her rings and went to town on me. Called me all sorts of names, said she lost all her trust in me and so on.

 

But here's the thing:

 

1). She had a three year long affair.

2). She never thought she'd get caught.

3). She got caught.

4). Consequences, oh the consequences.

5). Cheaters hate consequences.

 

She's blame shifting, and guilt tripping you. Fact of the matter is, she broke her vows to you. Why should she be allowed to live out her comfy lifestyle knowing what she did to you.

 

If she's telling you, that YOUR actions have put your relationship together in the sink, she's full of ****.

 

She ****ed up, you simply dealt out the consequences.

 

Chin up brother, myself and everyone have your back.

[96nole]

Sorry this is happening. I know how much it hurts.

 

My advice: Run like hell. You haven't even been married 2 years yet and she is already screwing around. Good Lord.

 

She's going to start blaming you for everything. Don't believe a word of it. The reason you may not reconcile is not because you made a post on Facebook, it's because SHE is screwing another man. Don't be surprised if she starts telling everyone about how terrible you are to her. How you don't understand her. She's most likely to really start playing the victim. Especially after being publicly shamed. If she didn't want to be shamed, she shouldn't have been doing shameful things.

 

Stop being her meal ticket. You're working so she can literally and figuratively run around. And you're being dad to the kids she had with some other guy.

 

Divorce that woman. Otherwise you will be stuck feeling like this for years until she decides another guy is a better meal ticket.

[TigerCub]

Murph,

 

You have every right to be mad and out her.

 

I'm sorry that this happened to you

 

Wow, not only are you providing for her to stay at home and not work, you're also raising her kids, and after she betrays you, she has the nerve to act all indignant?!

 

I hope you realize that you deserve much much better than this.

 

Stay strong.

 

***HUGS***

[1FootOut]

Sorry for the pain you are going through.

 

The Facebook thing was probably an angry reaction to the betrayal, probably not the best decision, but what's done is done.

 

I can say that I have been there, heck I'm still there, but remember to put yourself first, because her priorities are pretty self centered right now.

[murphomatic]

The extra special part ... her friends are now lecturing me on my post to Facebook... telling me what a dick I am and how clueless I am to do something like that.

 

I took the posts off FB ... but

 

WOW.

[Running Man]

First of all f$%k her friends and what they think. They are not the ones who has a wife/husband/gf/bf who is cheating on them or they are cheaters themselves.

 

You should not be worry about people who don't care about you or how you feel. Your wife is only concerned about her image but doesn't care about the marriage. She is only mad that you told the truth about her actions. Affairs thrive in secrecy so blow the door wide open.

[aliveagain]

They say that exposure is the quickest way to end the fantasy, facebook is not the way but what's done is done. Is the other man in a relationship? If so, expose the affair to his partner. Talk to a lawyer, you need to understand your rights specially relating to the kids. Ask your lawyer how best to protect yourself financially, make sure you are not financing her affair. Read up on the 180 and start implementing it immediately. Don't worry about her friends, some may already have been aware of the affair and they are loosing the critical point of your action, she is having an emotional affair, sending nude pictures of herself onto the internet, banging another guy and you have only been married less than two years. Sorry friend, your the only committed one in this marriage, looks more like she was using you for financial support and is looking to upgrade. Do you know the truth as to why her last relationship failed? Your posting, wrong or right is a reaction to her infidelity. She needs to feel the effect of not having you to support her, change your banking but with your lawyers guidance, start focusing on yourself, the 180 will help you do that.

[TaraMaiden]

Seriously??

 

You did what - ?!

 

On FB!??!

 

Man.....

I would have kept the page up......

 

Loads of great advice.

 

Do not let her project this onto you.

This is on her.

 

Actions always have consequences.

Always.

[Summer Breeze]

Right, wrong, or indifferent I would have left if I'd been her. I'm not a believer in outing to the world. The parties closest fair enough but not something like FB. If I'd outed my xH when he cheated I would have expected him to consider that the end from me and be mad enough at me to want to end it too. I'm not a big believer in airing dirty laundry like that. As everyone has said she has consequences to her actions and so do you.

 

Having said all that don't mistake my thoughts. I agree with the posters that say you should toss her aside and end things. You're at a better point than if you wait years and have a whole lifetime invested with her and it happens again.

[MidwestUSA]

Don't spend any time regretting the Facebook outing (it was a crime of passion) and don't give one thought to friends berating you for it. I personally think it was epic but I tend to lean toward politically incorrect or on the edge, at least.

 

Take care of YOU, and your health and sanity. So sorry this has happened, hang tough.

[dichotomy]

First of all f$%k her friends and what they think. They are not the ones who has a wife/husband/gf/bf who is cheating on them or they are cheaters themselves.

 

You should not be worry about people who don't care about you or how you feel. Your wife is only concerned about her image but doesn't care about the marriage. She is only mad that you told the truth about her actions. Affairs thrive in secrecy so blow the door wide open.

 

Yep - f them.

 

Not to mention her HSV-1 outbreak on her face you mentioned (in other thread) she came home with. Maybe her friends should consider this too. I am sure she gave her kids a nice kiss good night ?

[BeholdtheMan]

I don't know what to do. I'm distraught and horrified. My entire life has been turned upside down.

 

Divorce

 

You know what to do. You're just not sure whether you have the willpower to do it. A swift divorce is a better option than a miserable marriage, even if kids are involved

 

EDIT: By the way, now is not the time to give a sh*t about what you wife's friends think. Now is not the time to give a sh*t about your wife's shameless threat ("we're probably gonna have a harder time reconciling cuz you made my betrayal of your trust public). Now is the time to safeguard your dignity as a man. How do you wake her up? No mercy. File for divorce ASAP.

 

No one will respect you if you don't respect yourself. The worst thing you can do now is to behave like a hurt puppy. Your wife has very little respect for you already. If you act all weak and needy, she will have ZERO respect for you.

 

You must man the fu** up right now. Otherwise you're in for a lot more hurt.

Edited June 12, 2013 by BeholdtheMan

[Chi townD]

Screw her friends! They're not the ones going through this, so they can keep their opinions to themselves.

 

I'm all about exposure. Your WW and the OM are like roaches. Roaches love the dark, they thrive on it. But, as soon as someone turns on the light switch, they scatter! That's normally how affairs work, They do great in the dark, but as soon as someone brings it to light, the fantasy is gone and they scatter.

 

I would find out if the OM has a wife or girlfriend and expose the affair to her. SHe would have a right to know.

 

And don't worry about what she said to you, "I was thinking of getting back with you, but not after the stunt you pulled." Cheater ALWAYS says this.

 

Plus, hey! She had the affair! She willingly gave herself to another guy. She's not happy with her choice? She's not happy that others know about her love and affection for this other man?

 

The fact is she feels guilty and embarassed about the relationship that she's developed with this guy. Kinda tells you that it won't last.

[So happy together]

The extra special part ... her friends are now lecturing me on my post to Facebook... telling me what a dick I am and how clueless I am to do something like that.

 

I took the posts off FB ... but

 

WOW.

 

I can see why you would do this out of hurt. Screw her friends. You've a right to your feelings, whatever they are. Hang in there.

[drifter777]

I'm trying to take a few steps back and digest everything in your original post. Doing that it is easy to see that your wife wants to live the single, 20-something, casual sex life and feels completely entitled to do just that. Your choice is then very simple. You continue living with her & kids and accept she is going to screw whoever she wants whenever she wants. You continue to hope that she will "come to her senses" at some point and your life will get back to "normal". Do I even have to spell out your other choice?

 

No matter how hard and scary you think it will be to walk away from her I guarantee you it is a much, much better choice for your overall mental health. Get a counselor ASAP and focus on yourself and your own recovery from her terrible betrayal.

[Spark1111]

your actions ARE COMPLETELY NORMAL.

 

TODAY:

 

Call a lawyer and find out your options.

 

Change the locks and call her parents? sister? She and her children leave today. Start packing them up.

 

If no one picks them up, you will have to deliver them somewhere.

 

HUG those kids and tell them you will ALWAYS LOVE them and be there for them if they need you.

 

Inform the OMs partner, if there is one, because everyone must be checked for STDs.

 

call your doctor and get checked for STDs.

 

Open a new account and have your paycheck deposited there. cancel all jointly held credit cards and open one in your name only.

 

take her phone off of your account.

 

call friends and family for support and have them come over and STAY to support you as she and the children leave. Cheaters are conflict-avoidant and this WILL help you.

 

schedule an IC appointment today.

 

The SOONER you take proactive action, the better.

 

don't just react....GET GOING NOW.

 

Much of the banking MAY have to be reversed on the advice of your attorney, but make it work for three or four days, ok?

[murphomatic]

Thanks Spark - the clarity and direction is priceless.

 

The house is in her name ... I'm not on the mortgage. She won't be able to afford it when I'm gone, but that's immaterial now. I'll be the one that has to leave.

 

The OM is a single swing-d!ck. No GF on his side except my wife. How I wish I could out him to someone...and that it would hurt.

 

I've called a laywer and have an appt setup for Monday morning. Banking is taken care of. I have my name on two of her credit cards that I'm trying to get off of presently.

 

Phone is taken care of .. and will call my doc.

 

Thank you once again.

 

Now if I could just get my eyes to shut off the water-works.

 

your actions ARE COMPLETELY NORMAL.

 

TODAY:

 

Call a lawyer and find out your options.

 

Change the locks and call her parents? sister? She and her children leave today. Start packing them up.

 

If no one picks them up, you will have to deliver them somewhere.

 

HUG those kids and tell them you will ALWAYS LOVE them and be there for them if they need you.

 

Inform the OMs partner, if there is one, because everyone must be checked for STDs.

 

call your doctor and get checked for STDs.

 

Open a new account and have your paycheck deposited there. cancel all jointly held credit cards and open one in your name only.

 

take her phone off of your account.

 

call friends and family for support and have them come over and STAY to support you as she and the children leave. Cheaters are conflict-avoidant and this WILL help you.

 

schedule an IC appointment today.

 

The SOONER you take proactive action, the better.

 

don't just react....GET GOING NOW.

 

Much of the banking MAY have to be reversed on the advice of your attorney, but make it work for three or four days, ok?

[murphomatic]

Hey Murph,

 

I'm so angry about your situation brother, this sort of thing is such a load of bull****.

 

Listen, I did the whole scarlet letter thing to my STBX, and she lost her ****. Threw me out of her mother's house, took off her rings and went to town on me. Called me all sorts of names, said she lost all her trust in me and so on.

 

But here's the thing:

 

1). She had a three year long affair.

2). She never thought she'd get caught.

3). She got caught.

4). Consequences, oh the consequences.

5). Cheaters hate consequences.

 

She's blame shifting, and guilt tripping you. Fact of the matter is, she broke her vows to you. Why should she be allowed to live out her comfy lifestyle knowing what she did to you.

 

If she's telling you, that YOUR actions have put your relationship together in the sink, she's full of ****.

 

She ****ed up, you simply dealt out the consequences.

 

Chin up brother, myself and everyone have your back.

 

Smoke - I've read a number of your threads ... man - I feel for your situation as well. I'm so sorry for what has gone down.

 

Thank you for your perspective on this. What I wouldn't do to sit and have a beer with you.

[Spark1111]

Ok.....

 

I may be stupid, BUT why is the house in her name when you are paying the mortgage?

 

did you put money down? did she inherit it? is your name on any docs that will make you liable should you STOP paying for the home?

[murphomatic]

We've been married for only 18 months. For 12 months of that, she's been unemployed and a stay-at-home mom.

 

Just never got around to putting my name on the mortgage I guess. I get a paycheck every month into my personal account and write her a check for the bills .. and she pays the mortgage and others.

 

The house is upside down in value right now, so can't say that I'd want my name on it anyway. She bought it years before I knew her, and bought it at its highest possible price before the housing market took a nose-dive.

 

Ok.....

 

I may be stupid, BUT why is the house in her name when you are paying the mortgage?

 

did you put money down? did she inherit it? is your name on any docs that will make you liable should you STOP paying for the home?

[TaraMaiden]

Move as much of your stuff out as soon as you can, and immediately quit paying the mortgage.

Right now.

Stop.

Cancel the payment, and let her find out the hard way.

[96nole]

Regarding her friends, don't give them a second thought. I would guarantee your wife has been talking about you to them in a very unflattering way. Why? So she can justify what she is doing and get support from her friends. It won't matter how bad your wife is or how good you are, if you do ANYTHING to protect yourself, her friends will categorize you in the "Jerk" column. Then, like a rabid pack of dogs, they will attack you to defend their friend. I'm sure most, if not all, knew about the affair.

 

Thank God you are not on that mortgage. Now you can just walk away. It's her problem now.

 

You've done good so far. Keep going. There will be harder days ahead. To quote my niece during my darkest days "you have to get through the sh*t to get to the good stuff."

 

As far as the waterworks go, they will eventually stop. Just remember, if she's cheating this early, she mainly saw you as financial support. Not as a husband.