I'm So Destroyed

[dichotomy]

You know this whole thing about her being mad at YOU about FB - because she can't be mad at her self - honesty, reason and accountability are lost on her and thats why you can NOT remain with her. Imagine for a second that instead of being mad, she actually posted on facebook "I messed up everyone, I really fell down, and I am so sorry, I hurt my husband and children, I want to fix this".... that would be a woman worth trying to reconcile with.

 

I really think therapy is a mistake at this point. A marriage therapist job is to try to save a marriage. They assume both parties are there for this goal as well. With all the great advise from us here at LS - your going to now have a professional telling you he (or she) can help you repair this and also probably trying to convince you (like your wife is) that you have some equal role or blame for what happened. At this point you are heading towards being cuckold. You will listen about how your not a good husband or man, how her screwing the other guy was ok, and how you need to live with it and still support her and her kids. Maybe next time she should invite you to watch her screw the guy, bet he was amazing. But then again she needs you to baby sit her kids and pay the bills instead, so she can be with a real man in the bedroom.

 

File the G damn papers now!

[murphomatic]

You know this whole thing about her being mad at YOU about FB - because she can't be mad at her self - honesty, reason and accountability are lost on her and thats why you can NOT remain with her. Imagine for a second that instead of being mad, she actually posted on facebook "I messed up everyone, I really fell down, and I am so sorry, I hurt my husband and children, I want to fix this".... that would be a woman worth trying to reconcile with.

That is true. She has not really owned her accountability in front of anyone...including herself. She says that while the things i did don't justify her actions, my actions still created an environment for her to stray. The more I think about this, the more pissed I become.

 

Not interested in being cuckold. Fnck that.

[Bluebelle38]

Oh Murph

 

I am in shock that you are even factoring in the fb thing. That is so irrelevant and you had every right to out her in anger.

 

You have been paying her mortgage and looking after her kids while she is off doing as she pleases.

 

This woman is some piece of work, I give her that. She is calling all the shots - and she knows it.

 

Have some dignity, tell her the fb thing only happened because she f*cked another man and to get that into her thick head. She is only harping on about it so the focus is not on her f*cking around.

 

You deserve a million times better and you will never trust her again.

[karnak]

She says that while the things i did don't justify her actions, my actions still created an environment for her to stray.

 

This is sick and twisted.

[Confused48]

OP - you may now be completely over the FB thing. But in case you are not, you should take a look at the thread recently locked here titled "Exposure Websites." Have your wife read it. She has a lot more to fear than FB exposure. You went easy on her.

[CannibalQu33n]

Oh sweet heart..... LOOK AT YOUR SELF!!!! YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MAN! If she can't see that and every one else is telling you she has done you wrong you need to make it clear to her. 1 you deserve respect 2the face book thing does not effect anything. think about it 15 minuets compair to a couple of months? 3 if she was not happy honesty is the best policy! last but not least 4 this will not drag you down. You will learn and thrive from this. She took advantage of you.

 

Best of luck sweet heart! carpe diem!

[Spark1111]

yes Murph, he did, but it took a while....about 4 months out of the house and when he wanted to talk of us, I refused.

 

I'd talk of the kids, I asked that he be reachable by cell in case of emergency, but I NEVER asked of her or where he was staying, doing, etc.

 

I think initially, he just wanted it all to go back the way it was before DDay.

 

Then, when I refused to react in the way they had discussed I would, and when I exposed, well I guess it wasn't as fun anymore for him. Now it didn't have to be a secret. they could choose to be together. I could live my life out loud and move on.

 

I could tell the OW was waiting in the wings. Whenever he had contact with her, his whole demeanor changed again; angry, distant and blaming me. I kept throwing him out of my house, asking "Why are you still here?"

 

I refused to engage, defend, or in any way take any blame for being lied to and betrayed.

 

he initiated no contact and began begging me back, only this time it seemed genuine. He scheduled IC and MC and invited me to attend. he did all the heavy lifting and I still bided my time. I was honest and told him how unsure I was about banking on him.

 

my decision at that point was did I still want him?

[murphomatic]

Thanks CannibalQu33n ... I honestly tried my hardest to be a good husband and dad. I really, really did.

 

Spark - what happened in your story? Did you go to MC with him? Which path did you take in your decision?

[ver13]

I have been reading your thread and I have to say " What is there to talk about". Why you would even entertain seating across from someone in MC that continues to blame shift, lacks remorse and shows you so little respect is, I don't have the words. File the papers man and preserve your dignity this woman is way to into herself right now. Which okay if this is how she wants to live. This is her choice, you on the other hand have to choose what you are willing to let someone do to you, and still walk around with some sense of self worth. If she can't appreciate the father that you have been to her kids from two different men. The mortgage that you have paid on the house that she owns. WTF, and she is pissed because you outed her on FB, are you serious? Look I read all kinds of crap from people on here saying the FB thing was extreme. You know what bro it was right on time...what she was doing was disrespectful in light of what you have been doing for her and her kids. If she hadn't did her thing then you wouldn't have anything to put out there. Anyone that say's that it was wrong has issues they need to address. If your worried about your personal image then protect it by being honorable, truthful and respectful of those you claim you care about. Which your W failed to do in all these areas, you owe her nothing in respect to her feels of being outed for the weirdo she turned out to be. No matter what you decide the R with the kids is critical since they don't have anyone else but you who is stable right now. You can still be there for them even though you aren't living with them.

[Spark1111]

Thanks CannibalQu33n ... I honestly tried my hardest to be a good husband and dad. I really, really did.

 

Spark - what happened in your story? Did you go to MC with him? Which path did you take in your decision?

 

We successfully reconciled....going on over 5 years now. But I could have never done so if there were not total changes in his demeanor and the way he treated me. We had a long and happy life pre-affair; I loved him and we have three children. I'm glad I did.

 

Actually, I walked out of the first MC session when he turned it into another blame fest and actually said, " I don't know how much more of this I can take!" SEE YA!

 

I went to IC and then, so did he. I made it very, very clear that I would not deal with issues in the marriage until he learned how to communicate about the affair without blaming me. THAT was the elephant in the room and that had to happen first.

 

So IC proved very helpful for us. he learned a lot about himself and his poor coping mechanisms. he learned I was not to blame for anything. he changed.

 

I was one of the lucky ones. however, I had a suitcase packed for almost two years.I felt I owed the attempt to our children. it proved successful for us, mostly, because of him.

[murphomatic]

Thanks for sharing that. It's good to know that hope can still live in even the worst conditions. I don't know what I'm going to do at present. I'm so angry right now, and she continues to blame me. I'm curious how much the counselor will want me to be accountable for...if anything. From my wife's perspective, I basically pushed her into another man's arms...and I almost believe her BS if I listen to her long enough.

 

Almost...

[troubadour]

I reviewed the petition today that my attorney drafted. She was ready to file it today, but I told her to do it one week from today. I'm going to go to a counseling session with my wife later this week, and I'm curious how that will go. I'm hoping she makes some radical discoveries, but I'm not expecting her to. We'll see what comes out of it.

 

 

This is laughable.... truly laughable.

[murphomatic]

I'm glad you find it funny. You'll have to pardon me for not.

[murphomatic]

Everyone on here is right. There's no chance that she and I can reconcile; this can't be fixed. I just wanted to hold out hope as this was my first marriage and I truly loved her.

 

I feel like such a failure.

[aliveagain]

Friend, you didn't fail, she did. She may be a good mother but she is one s**ty wife. You did nothing wrong, you can't protect yourself when the person you trust the most is the one stabbing you in the back.

[Furious]

Thanks for sharing that. It's good to know that hope can still live in even the worst conditions. I don't know what I'm going to do at present. I'm so angry right now, and she continues to blame me. I'm curious how much the counselor will want me to be accountable for...if anything. From my wife's perspective, I basically pushed her into another man's arms...and I almost believe her BS if I listen to her long enough.

 

Almost...

 

 

Warning.....MC is not advisable or effective in the early days and months after d-day. Trust me...I learned the hard way and wish that I'd been advised otherwise. I walked out of MC after the first couple of sessions and realized that the cheating and ownership of that choice by my husband needed to be addressed first and foremost before attempting MC.

 

The marriage is the counsellor's client, and that makes perfect sense if and only when the husband and wife are on the same page. MC cannot be effective if your goals and objectives are at odds. Too often when MC is attempted prematurely the WS sees it as an exercise in blame shifting and portraying themselves as the victim. A WS for months or years before d-day has used a mindset to rationalize and justify their cheating and only when they own it and let go of that mindset does MC become worthwhile.

 

My advice to you is to scratch MC and focus on individual counselling. You must first and foremost invest in your emotional health and well being and gaining the tools to move forward in your life.

 

MC requires honesty and a sincere commitment by the both of you. If not, it's a wasted opportunity.

[murphomatic]

Thanks you guys... this has been really rough. I appreciate the perspective and the (sometimes hard) advice.

 

I'm trying to convince myself that I don't have any responsibility for the situation. Her words still ring in my ears that I didn't love her enough, or value her, and she strayed because she wanted to feel "wanted" by someone. The great irony here is that if you read my thread about "Rushing head-long into her 20s" in the Marriage section, those faults she complains about are the faults I was complaining about ... and have been for some time. It's almost like she hijacked my reasoning and made it her own as an excuse for the affair.

 

She has also said that she thought I was cheating on her, which made her feel justified in what she was doing. I've never been cold and aloof toward her unless you count the times that she finally decided to come to bed after sleeping with our daughter until 3am and wanted to get frisky with me...which I had already gone to bed a bit angry and lonely, and had to get up in 2 hours to go to work. So yes - in those rare occasions, I turned her down...but I could probably count those instances on one hand.

 

Anyway .... Logic tells me it's not my fault. But my heart screws with my head and says stupid crap like "if you would've just done x, y and z differently - this sh i t would've never happened.."

 

Blah...

[Darth Vader]

Thanks Spark - the clarity and direction is priceless.

 

The house is in her name ... I'm not on the mortgage. She won't be able to afford it when I'm gone, but that's immaterial now. I'll be the one that has to leave.

 

The OM is a single swing-d!ck. No GF on his side except my wife. How I wish I could out him to someone...and that it would hurt.

 

I've called a laywer and have an appt setup for Monday morning. Banking is taken care of. I have my name on two of her credit cards that I'm trying to get off of presently.

 

Phone is taken care of .. and will call my doc.

 

Thank you once again.

 

Now if I could just get my eyes to shut off the water-works.

 

 

Put it back on Facebook that it's this guy who's screwing your wife!

[Darth Vader]

Married only 18 months and she has been cheating on you for quite a while. This says it all. Get tested for STD's, move on and never look back.

 

 

Get he get an annulment or has it been too long?

[todreaminblue]

hey murph,

 

 

havent read the whole thread just this last page and the first, she has done a really horrible thing to you....really damaging......getting revenge by scarlet lettering her...i understand you were hurt...revenge is something that gets too hit twice....and its normally the dealer of revenge who gets hit and she turned it on to you....i am really sorry this has happened to you....and i hope that you find peace with whatever route you are on...

 

 

whether or not you have acted out of hurt or anger .her actions that caused that reaction in you..it is her that is at fault and her behavior is rank.... i wish you peace and understanding in your future.....deb

[Darth Vader]

Thanks you guys... this has been really rough. I appreciate the perspective and the (sometimes hard) advice.

 

I'm trying to convince myself that I don't have any responsibility for the situation. Her words still ring in my ears that I didn't love her enough, or value her, and she strayed because she wanted to feel "wanted" by someone. The great irony here is that if you read my thread about "Rushing head-long into her 20s" in the Marriage section, those faults she complains about are the faults I was complaining about ... and have been for some time. It's almost like she hijacked my reasoning and made it her own as an excuse for the affair.

 

She has also said that she thought I was cheating on her, which made her feel justified in what she was doing. I've never been cold and aloof toward her unless you count the times that she finally decided to come to bed after sleeping with our daughter until 3am and wanted to get frisky with me...which I had already gone to bed a bit angry and lonely, and had to get up in 2 hours to go to work. So yes - in those rare occasions, I turned her down...but I could probably count those instances on one hand.

 

Anyway .... Logic tells me it's not my fault. But my heart screws with my head and says stupid crap like "if you would've just done x, y and z differently - this sh i t would've never happened.."

 

Blah...

 

 

No! It's NOT your FAULT! <Now repeat this 10 times!

 

Very Good!

 

Now, Go out and Divorce the B I T C H!

[murphomatic]

Some days are easier than others... Today isn't one of those days. Divorce petition is officially being filed with the court in the morning.

 

As I've been sifting through the wreckage of my marriage, I'm discovering more and more lies, deception and other men. A great comment that struck me the other day was a girl who used to work with my S2BXW was telling me that when she congratulated my wife on becoming engaged to me, my wife replied "Well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do." I was just another business transaction. Also it has become apparent that her infidelity stretches back to before we were even engaged. She was sleeping with her married boss when we met (and had been sleeping with him for years - even cheated on her previous husband with him. Apparently her meeting and dating me was supposed to be her "out" from the relationship with her boss a la "look, I have a boyfriend now and we can't screw around anymore" - but that didn't really work) and she continued to sleep with him up through and even past our engagement, and likely into our marriage. There's one other guy I suspect she's slept with, and then of course - the latest swing d!ck that she bought all the presents for and boned all around the country on my dime.

 

I think about these things ... and they make me furious. But today, I miss little things. I miss making the kids pancakes in the morning, which was something I did often.. I miss texting and talking with my wife. I miss being so in love with a girl that I would do anything for her, that she filled my thoughts all the time. I miss having the family that provided me the inspiration to get up early and go to work every day for.

 

I miss my old life. And I can't hold back tears when I realize that the girl I loved never really even existed. She was just a hoax... a lie... a facade put together for the sole intent of roping me in and squeezing what she could out of me. I feel so completely stupid and cheated.

 

I feel so ... lost. Like my life just evaporated right before my eyes..

Edited July 2, 2013 by murphomatic

[dichotomy]

It did evaporate around you, but you did not.

 

I get much of what your feeling. I was a late in life dad, and although not near as extreme, married someone who had hidden issues and problems with things like honesty and faithfulness. Also - I love being a dad, making pancakes, etc...

 

Your wife is not who you fell in love with, not even close. In away, your finding out about more infidelities - makes the divorce easier. But not the loss of being a dad and husband.

 

My advice is still the same - don't take to short a time, or to long a time - to get back out there and date again. Take a few months, get some intense therapy and continue your running maybe add some yoga. Then get on the dating sites and find someone. Be strong and clear what you want with the next gals and trust your gut. Work on your self esteem and confidence. There is still time for you to be a dad again.

 

Hang in there.

[murphomatic]

Thanks man ... really appreciate that. Sometimes I really get to feeling pretty hopeless, and folks like yourself say things that pull me back.

[runningfar]

I DID ask her yesterday if she was still in contact with the OM ... since he lives on the other side of the country, she's not able to exactly stroll over to his place. She told me that she sent him a message yesterday stating that should wasn't going to talk to him anymore. She also states that he's going to be moving to Europe soon, so he's going to be far away (I think this is likely bullsh~t he laid on her to make her panties wet). .

 

Is he in the frequent club? If so, I think I might know this guy. It doesn't really matter but if it is the same guy, this behavior is a habit for him. He tries with anyone, regardless of status. Though it could very well be a coincidence. There are a lot of very good people in those clubs, too; some of my friends, but it attracts as well people looking for validation - any validation. A lot of people looking for validation with a lot of time alone can lead to very bad decision making by those people... and the people who know how to take advantage of that.

 

I hope you're doing well. Stay strong in whatever path is best for you.