I'm So Destroyed

[GorillaTheater]

The kids are no longer communicating with me. They won't answer my calls or respond to text messages. I'm certain she has instructed them not to.

 

I seriously can't believe what a vile and vicious person she is being.

 

If you haven't been there, I highly recommend visiting dadsdivorce.com and its forum. These guys deal with the mechanics of divorce and custody issues, including parental alienation (common) in a very real and effective way. The general goal there is to get fathers the maximum amount of custody possible, and they have very practical ways of getting there.

[runningfar]

If you haven't been there, I highly recommend visiting dadsdivorce.com and its forum. These guys deal with the mechanics of divorce and custody issues, including parental alienation (common) in a very real and effective way. The general goal there is to get fathers the maximum amount of custody possible, and they have very practical ways of getting there.

 

If he has no legal responsibility financially, he has no rights to visitation either. While he would be in a world of financial hurt if he had legally adopted, that would have protected his rights to visit.

 

As it is, he has no legal right to visitation/custody of the children because they are not legally his.

 

She is at a new low hurting the children by cutting them off from someone who is a father figure despite legal requirements, though.

[murphomatic]

Correct - I have no legal right to the kids.

 

I called my son today, and he answered. I got to talk to him and my daughter. The conversation was on speaker phone and obviously being closely monitored. Their questions were very scripted and their answers were censored. They never told me they loved me like they always have before. I'm certain she was there directing the conversation. I kept it light and happy...and was glad that I got to speak with them.

 

I don't know that I'll ever be able to see them again. I will have to wait to see what her response is to my petition for divorce. I'm almost positive she will say no to my request for visitation, and she will likely ask for some spousal support.

 

She is so lacking in conscience and moral compass, I can't even begin to explain her vileness.

[spring9201]

Murph,

 

I want to reach through the screen and hug you dude. There is nothing I can offer other than to assure that at the end of this dark time there will be happiness in your life again. I say this through experience.

 

Sometimes we need to accept that there are some people who are good and go astray, and there are some people who are just evil. They have no thought or compassion for anyone but themselves. Unfortunately, you married one of those people. You will not be able to reason with her. She will justify everything she does from here on out by blaming. Very little of it will make sense to you. Just know your life will be better without her in it. worry about the things you can control right now. Those kids will contact you when they're ready and able. Right now you need to focus on you bro.

 

I'll be thinking about you. Peace.

[dichotomy]

Correct - I have no legal right to the kids.

 

I called my son today, and he answered. I got to talk to him and my daughter. The conversation was on speaker phone and obviously being closely monitored. Their questions were very scripted and their answers were censored. They never told me they loved me like they always have before. I'm certain she was there directing the conversation. I kept it light and happy...and was glad that I got to speak with them.

 

I don't know that I'll ever be able to see them again. I will have to wait to see what her response is to my petition for divorce. I'm almost positive she will say no to my request for visitation, and she will likely ask for some spousal support.

 

She is so lacking in conscience and moral compass, I can't even begin to explain her vileness.

 

 

I am sorry. I knew she would use the kids against you. Happens even with biokids, let alone step kids. But from what you say -they know the score. But I knew as long as you wanted to see them, she would control and punish you for it. It is her ONLY way to get to you.

 

I hope the judge would dismiss a claim for support after such a small time being married. However if you lawyer is a pit bull, he could counter, okay - lets split the house then since my client payed the mortgage.

[murphomatic]

Based on what? A year and a half in her house? I can't imagine it'll be much or for long. Can you name the OMs in your divorce petition? I've heard of people doing that even in no-fault states.

 

-ol' 2long

I'm sure she will try to push from the perspective that I supported her for a year while she didn't work, and because she has no degree or marketable skills, she has to go through training or something akin to that to re-enter the workforce.

 

She did some part-time work for the school district filling in for people on sick days (stuff like being a playground attendant for a couple hours, or a classroom assistant). Over the course of our marriage, she probably put in 15-20 days doing this kind of stuff. She was actually offered full-time work on a couple of occasions and declined. I have friends who were there and will testify to the fact that she declined the work. So hopefully that will play in my favor in the end.

Murph,

 

I want to reach through the screen and hug you dude. There is nothing I can offer other than to assure that at the end of this dark time there will be happiness in your life again. I say this through experience.

 

Sometimes we need to accept that there are some people who are good and go astray, and there are some people who are just evil. They have no thought or compassion for anyone but themselves. Unfortunately, you married one of those people. You will not be able to reason with her. She will justify everything she does from here on out by blaming. Very little of it will make sense to you. Just know your life will be better without her in it. worry about the things you can control right now. Those kids will contact you when they're ready and able. Right now you need to focus on you bro.

 

I'll be thinking about you. Peace.

Thanks spring - I appreciate the support and sentiment ... for real. This has been the most difficult and heart-breaking chapter in my life. I have never experienced such pain, even in the loss of friends on motorcycles or to suicide - this has topped the cake; having my family ripped away from me by this monster who tricked, lied and deceived me the whole time. You're right - she is evil. Through and through. The smoke is clearing, however. I will survive and I will come out of this stronger than I've ever been.

 

I am sorry. I knew she would use the kids against you. Happens even with biokids, let alone step kids. But from what you say -they know the score. But I knew as long as you wanted to see them, she would control and punish you for it. It is her ONLY way to get to you.

 

I hope the judge would dismiss a claim for support after such a small time being married. However if you lawyer is a pit bull, he could counter, okay - lets split the house then since my client payed the mortgage.

I kind of figured she would use them against me too. She knows they are my weakness. Like spring said, she is evil .. and I've finally come to accept this. As all the lies and other men have been revealed, there is no denying the depth of her darkness. For the longest time, I wanted to believe that she was a good person and she just messed up...but I found out the other day that she was still carrying on with her current OM, and had a new Facebook page (that I'm blocked from) despite telling me and her family that she wasn't going to do FB anymore.

 

I did something a bit vengeful yesterday.

 

A couple+ weeks ago, my wife came to me under the guise of reconciling and working to fix our marriage. She had me over for dinner and to talk. She seemed to be honest (later, it all turned out to be BS - but at the time, I was very fixated on working through this with her), and came on to me fairly strong. I was weak and played into her moves. I'm not exactly sure what her motives were ... likely to just string me along more.

 

Anyway - yesterday, I sent her a text that said "I wonder what your boyfriend would think if I told him you slept with me a couple weeks back and have already cheated on him?" She freaked out .. called me and asked me if I was getting some perverse pleasure out of messing with her head. I said "I'm not messing with you at all, and I'm going to tell him." She was horrified.

 

So... I told him. Let him know that she was already lying to and deceiving him ... and that she was going to work his ass like a mule. I told him to be careful - that she is a master manipulator. I thanked him for helping her to destroy my family. I also let him know that I had filed divorce and was just awaiting her response. Once she responded and released me, that the hot mess she is would be ALLLL his. I closed with "Good luck, and enjoy!"

 

I brushed the dirt off my hands, and haven't looked back since. The kids will reach out to me someday when they are ready. Her brother will ensure they know the truth when they are old enough and can handle it. But as far as she is concerned: Fnck her and the horse she rode in on.

[TobyBoy]

"So... I told him. Let him know that she was already lying to and deceiving him ... and that she was going to work his ass like a mule. I told him to be careful - that she is a master manipulator. I thanked him for helping her to destroy my family. I also let him know that I had filed divorce and was just awaiting her response. Once she responded and released me, that the hot mess she is would be ALLLL his. I closed with "Good luck, and enjoy!" "

 

Awesome dude!! So what did he say?

[eddyctv]

Just curious, how did you find out she cheated on you? With multiple guys?

 

This story is insane...

[murphomatic]

Just curious, how did you find out she cheated on you? With multiple guys?

 

This story is insane...

If you read my other thread from back in May over in the Marriage section titled "Rushing Head-long into the 20s That She Never Got" (click here)- you'll see that my wife has been a bit cold and distant toward me for awhile.

 

She went to run a marathon in Kentucky on 6/6 and wasn't slated to return until 6/11. During this time, she was excessively cold and distant, and she wouldn't let me know her flight itinerary or lodging arrangements, etc. I got suspicious.

 

I'm a computer guy, so I hacked the living crap out of everything she had. I discovered her affair in her email account. There were traces of it in her Facebook too, but she had cleaned it out of there mostly.

 

As more and more of this unraveled, I found more lies and deceptions. I dug deeper and deeper, wanting to see how far the rabbit hole went. And it went a long, LONG way. Right to the beginning of our relationship. From the things she said, cross referenced with what other people knew (including her siblings and other family members), it became apparent that she never loved me.. When she and I first started dating, I was looking for the woman to spend the rest of my life with and have a family with. Turned out - she was looking for a guy to throw in her boss's face because he wasn't divorcing his wife fast enough and marrying her. She'd been having an ongoing affair with her married boss for years, and he'd continually promised to leave his wife for her .. but never did. She figured if she secured a nice boyfriend who she could potentially marry, it would threaten her boss enough into action. They continued sleeping with each other throughout the time we dated, and well into our engagement. I caught a text message on her phone from her to him when I surprisingly showed up a day early at a work convention she was at in SanFran (she was furious and he bolted town IMMEDIATELY) that said "leaving so soon without even giving me a proper goodbye?" A "proper" goodbye? REALLY? Unfortunately for her, dating and becoming engaged to me didn't work... her boss actually wound up firing her from her job shortly after we were married...which was why I had been supporting our family on my paycheck for the last year (and was happy and proud to do so).

 

Over the course of the last year, there have been other signs of danger ... gifts from other men, etc. I heard of one man who gave her a giant, over-sized halmark card in which he professed his love for her, and wanted to leave his wife spend the rest of his life with my wife. I'm sorry - but NO guy does this kind of thing without having SOME confidence in a positive response. I confronted my wife about this guy, and she swears she never slept with him - but there's one way to tell my wife is lying: her lips move. I'm almost positive she slept with him, or at least screwed around with him.

 

Anyway - it's all water under the bridge at this point. She is a vile and disgusting monster of a person. Soulless as they come... a compulsive liar and sociopathic narcissist, incapable of feeling empathy for anyone, and incapable of feeling guilt, shame or remorse. She doesn't recognize other people as people with real feelings and emotions; other people are simply tools for her to use for her pleasure and benefit.

Edited July 12, 2013 by murphomatic

[Madman81]

So... I told him. Let him know that she was already lying to and deceiving him ... and that she was going to work his ass like a mule. I told him to be careful - that she is a master manipulator. I thanked him for helping her to destroy my family. I also let him know that I had filed divorce and was just awaiting her response. Once she responded and released me, that the hot mess she is would be ALLLL his. I closed with "Good luck, and enjoy!"

Murph, I see some parallels between your situation and mine. The difference is that I'm ten years past where you are now; when I learned the truth we'd been married for seven years and had two small kids.

 

For starters, I did something similar to what you did above. XW had had a few OMs. One of them -- the worst offender in my view, because he came to our home several times and pretended to be a friend -- she hadn't been involved with for a few years by the time we split. After we split, I sent him an angry letter, thanking him for helping to tear apart a family that included two small children, and warning him to cross to the other side of the street if he ever saw me again. I never heard back, though I know he received it. XW found out and wasn't happy, but who cares what she thought. I'm glad I sent it, and I've never regretted it.

 

Anyway, I can tell you that you're in the worst of it right now. At this point, pretty much all you feel is pain and sadness. But I assure you, it WILL get better. Just keep in mind a few things. Firstly, it could take a couple of years for you to feel back to normal again. Secondly, your recovery will NOT be on a straight line. The trend will be positive, but you'll have ups and downs along the way. Try not to be surprised or feel bad about yourself if, a few months from now, you're humming along feeling great, then suddenly you hear or see something that makes you think of your old, innocent life... and you're reduced to tears. It'll probably happen to you at least once. Happens to the best of us. Just know that it's normal, and it's all part of the detachment and letting-go process.

 

Eventually you'll reach a point where you can think about the past (the good times you had, the person you thought she was, and the painful stuff you learned) and it won't bother you. For me, that realization came along very suddenly, approximately two and a half years after XW and I split. I'd gotten into a jag for a few weeks where I was really angry at her... and then suddenly, over the course of a couple of days, it all went away. I no longer felt angry at her, or sad because of the past. I felt calm and peaceful, as though all that crappy stuff was a few chapters ago in the book of my life. I reached that point just over seven years ago now, and now XW and I get along fine and co-parent our kids very well together.

 

In the meantime, what should you do? I'll give you the advice I've given here before. Soon, I expect, your sadness will start to turn into anger. You can even help it along, by thinking negative thoughts about your STBXW. There's a very good reason for doing this: anger feels MUCH better than sadness. Sadness makes you want to crawl into a corner and die. Anger gets your heart pumping and makes you want to DO something, and not just be dragged under. The key is to channel that anger into something positive. I can't tell you the number of times I came home from work in the early post-split days to my new, sparsely-furnished unfamiliar apartment, feeling awful and sad. As I sat there, the sadness started turning into anger, until finally I said "f*** this, I'm going to the gym." An hour at the gym, listening to loud angry music, absolutely did wonders.

 

So, when the anger comes, make it a source of your strength. A few other things. Use this time for yourself. Get out and see friends. Get exercise. Eat properly. If you need to lose weight, now's the time. Consider updating your wardrobe, hairstyle, etc. Get out there and try new things -- new sports, new hobbies, volunteering, political stuff, whatever. This is your chance to remake yourself and your life.

 

Lastly... others may disagree with me, but I'll say it anyway. Don't go looking for a new relationship, but don't deny yourself female companionship. Even one night stands can be beneficial (safe of course). I got into a short-lived friends-with-benefits situation very shortly after splitting from XW, and I can tell you, it gave me a shot in the arm when I needed it most. After getting crapped on and made to feel like a chump and a fool by your STBXW, knowing that other women find you attractive can be a huge boost to your damaged self-esteem.

 

Hang in there man... this part sucks, but it will pass. This isn't the end -- it's the beginning.

[murphomatic]

Madman81 - dude. Thank you for that. That is an incredible post, and I'm so glad you threw it down here. It's good to know that I'm going to make it. It's good to know others have blazed the trail. It's good to know that eventually, things will be alright.

 

I'm at the point now where my sadness is turning to anger. I can feel it coming on and I'm a little spooked about how intense it may become. I will try to keep it channeled in a positive direction. Right now, all I want to do is sign up the OM for every penis-enlargement and male-enhancement product under the sun since I've found his home address.

 

I definitely don't want to dive into any kind of relationship with anyone right away ... not for awhile. It's going to be a long while before I look at women without a suspicious and distrusting eye ... but some casual dating would be really nice and confidence inspiring.

 

I'm a runner - so I will be logging a lot of miles. Speaking of running, I just discovered she and her OM are running the marathon in Missoula, MT this weekend. So nice to know that she's spending the last of my money wisely. Can't pay the mortgage, but travel to another state to run a marathon and pound sausage with her boyfriend? Oh hellz yeah.

 

What a freaking train-wreck.

Edited July 12, 2013 by murphomatic

[Madman81]

Madman81 - dude. Thank you for that. That is an incredible post, and I'm so glad you threw it down here. It's good to know that I'm going to make it. It's good to know others have blazed the trail. It's good to know that eventually, things will be alright.

 

I'm at the point now where my sadness is turning to anger. I can feel it coming on and I'm a little spooked about how intense it may become. I will try to keep it channeled in a positive direction. Right now, all I want to do is sign up the OM for every penis-enlargement and male-enhancement product under the sun since I've found his home address.

 

I definitely don't want to dive into any kind of relationship with anyone right away ... not for awhile. It's going to be a long while before I look at women without a suspicious and distrusting eye ... but some casual dating would be really nice and confidence inspiring.

 

I'm a runner - so I will be logging a lot of miles. Speaking of running, I just discovered she and her OM are running the marathon in Missoula, MT this weekend. So nice to know that she's spending the last of my money wisely. Can't pay the mortgage, but travel to another state to run a marathon and pound sausage with her boyfriend? Oh hellz yeah.

 

What a freaking train-wreck.

My pleasure, compadre. Glad I could help.

 

A train wreck it is, but very soon, it's gonna be some other chump's train wreck, and not yours.

 

Now that the anger's setting in, buy some boxing gloves and add a heavy bag to your regimen. Amazing how good that'll make you feel.

[murphomatic]

I'm a little concerned about your account of having sex with her recently, especially after learning how many cats have been up her tree.

 

I'd be inclined 2 scrub the little guy with steel wool and a gallon of acetone!

 

Didn't you say she had something? Like herpes?

 

I hope you don't contract some kind of jungle rot.

 

-ol' 2long

You and me both ... and I know it was stupid..but I, again (stupidly), believed her when she said she was sorry and wanted to fix things. I think she just wanted me to pay for our daughter's dance lessons. Total whore.

 

She came home from her trip to KY with HSV-1 stores all over her mouth. Her infection had subsided by the time I slept with her, but I took necessary precautions anyway.

 

I haven't had any symptoms of any sort, but I'm still getting tested though regardless.

[murphomatic]

My pleasure, compadre. Glad I could help.

 

A train wreck it is, but very soon, it's gonna be some other chump's train wreck, and not yours.

 

Now that the anger's setting in, buy some boxing gloves and add a heavy bag to your regimen. Amazing how good that'll make you feel.

Definitely someone else's train wreck. I hope he enjoys it. Wow.. just can't believe all this *****. I mean - you can't make this stuff up! Hell - you can't even make TV mini-series like this! It's just unfathomable.

 

I have a heavy-bag in storage. I need to get into a house or apt soon (my folks have been letting me crash in my old bedroom ... the irony! I love my folks, but I need my own space). I would like to purchase a house, but I'm not buying anything until the divorce is final.

 

Anyway ... I'm getting anxious and need this chapter in my life to close. Stat.

[Steadfast]

Lastly... others may disagree with me, but I'll say it anyway. Don't go looking for a new relationship, but don't deny yourself female companionship. Even one night stands can be beneficial (safe of course). I got into a short-lived friends-with-benefits situation very shortly after splitting from XW, and I can tell you, it gave me a shot in the arm when I needed it most. After getting crapped on and made to feel like a chump and a fool by your STBXW, knowing that other women find you attractive can be a huge boost to your damaged self-esteem.

 

Wish I could get behind this reasoning but I can't. At the very least, it's pretty unfair to the person providing the 'benefits'. Because we've suffered an injustice, we'll turn around and use someone else to ease it. That adds to the chain of misery. Is it any wonder why people are so messed up?

 

Think about it; if a woman is into casual sex to the point where she's totally uninterested in anything else, how is that person going to make you feel better about yourself? Who feels good about being a walking dildo? The truth is, no matter what is said most women will be hoping it develops into something more. There's also the chance that you'll fall for your hookup, but she isn't interested. Suddenly, you've got more problems and right now, who needs that? I speak from hard earned experience.

 

I've commented several times to your situation with no response, meaning you're either lukewarm on my advice, or you haven't read it. Just the same, the whole idea is to minimize your current issues so you're able to move on quicker. My advice; stay away from women until you head's right. If you ignore this post like the others, I'll assume you don't agree.

 

BTW; good post Madman...all the way up to that last paragraph anyway-

[murphomatic]

Wish I could get behind this reasoning but I can't. At the very least, it's pretty unfair to the person providing the 'benefits'. Because we've suffered an injustice, we'll turn around and use someone else to ease it. That adds to the chain of misery. Is it any wonder why people are so messed up?

 

Think about it; if a woman is into casual sex to the point where she's totally uninterested in anything else, how is that person going to make you feel better about yourself? Who feels good about being a walking dildo? The truth is, no matter what is said most women will be hoping it develops into something more. There's also the chance that you'll fall for your hookup, but she isn't interested. Suddenly, you've got more problems and right now, who needs that? I speak from hard earned experience.

 

I've commented several times to your situation with no response, meaning you're either lukewarm on my advice, or you haven't read it. Just the same, the whole idea is to minimize your current issues so you're able to move on quicker. My advice; stay away from women until you head's right. If you ignore this post like the others, I'll assume you don't agree.

 

BTW; good post Madman...all the way up to that last paragraph anyway-

Sorry Steadfast, you're posts are good, and I agree with you. I'm not looking to hookup or "get over by getting under." I honestly don't know how to love anyone other than my wife right now. It would just seem so foreign and wrong.

 

Someday when I feel like I'm ready, I'll go looking again for someone to build a life and partnership with. I have no issues with casual dating (sans sex), but it's too early for even that right now. I'm way too broken to have an enjoyable evening with someone.

 

Thanks for the things you've said.

[murphomatic]

I sat here at my desk this morning and read every page of this thread murph. From the affair to the FB posting, the threatened restraining order...all of it. Your pattern of devastation and feeling worthless and used is understandable, but it isn't based on accuracy. Your feeling that she never loved you is rooted in the expectations you had. You assume much.

 

We all do. Or, more accurately for some of us, did.

 

I get the feeling you're going to learn a great lesson regarding love. Especially the love we give...and how much of ourselves we give when we love. The giving isn't the problem, but the expected return might be. In my case, I thought all the years I gave and worked and loved and sacrificed 'banked' my wife's devotion and insured my long-term security. I suspect you've done much the same, then tasted the blatant rejection after giving your heart so completely to this woman and her children. Like you, I had nothing to do with her destroying our relationship by being unfaithful, but we are to blame for assuming another person will love as we love. The feeling of failure is inevitable. Therefore, it's no surprise that when it is ends, we feel as if we are ending too. We only control what we do murph. That's it.

 

You can analyze until your ears bleed, but the only worthwhile analyzing will be self-analyzing. You might never know the depth (or lack) of your STBX's love, or determine what her expectations were. Chances are, she's struggling to understand it herself. The difference is her method involves blame shifting. If that continues, she'll never find happiness or fulfillment; considering her pretty obvious need that someone else provide it.

 

Don't let that be you.

 

Make sure your motivation is pure and you'll get through this; better, wiser and stronger than before. Like anything worth having, it isn't easy to get.

I wanted to take a moment and note this post ... this was carefully written and speaks to a great truth. You're right in saying that I gave myself totally and completely to this woman and our family - isn't that what good husbands and dads do? I didn't get into this to give it some half-assed attempt, tepid in my love and devotion, and apathetic about my expectation of reciprocity.

 

I didn't expect her to love me back in the same manner I loved her. I'm a romantic person and emotionally driven. She is not like that, and I knew it from the start. She was the pragmatist in our relationship. That often lead to me feeling I lacked any priority in her life, especially when she would display kindness and caring to other people, but not so much to me. I knew she was capable of it, but for some reason - just not capable of it with me.

 

What I did expect from her was communication. If I wasn't meeting her expectations, she needed to TELL ME. I'm not a mind reader.. by being so supportive of her dreams and goals, I thought I was meeting her expectations. As far as physical intimacy, while we didn't have sex as often as I would've liked (and she later told me she wanted it more often too - which I found bizarre because she frequently rejected me), I don't think she ever experienced anything unsatisfactory with me. I had no problem satisfying her multiple times....unless she faked and lied about that part too.

 

In the end, I feel like the lesson I'll learn is based more on the warning signs of manipulative and narcissistic people. And on ensure communication is a free, and open two-way street. I will definitely not expect to be able to love someone enough for the both of us, or otherwise bank my affections in hopes they will be returned in-kind.

 

Anyway... she's with her new boyfriend in Missoula..and all I can think about tonight is dancing with her on our wedding day, and how happy and in love I was as we looked into each other's eyes.

 

F me... I'm still so very, very sad...

[Steadfast]

Anyway... she's with her new boyfriend in Missoula..and all I can think about tonight is dancing with her on our wedding day, and how happy and in love I was as we looked into each other's eyes.

 

Many, if not most of us can relate. Only the betrayed know the torture of a good memory turning into a bad dream.

 

Still, we're forced to deal. Forced. Perhaps that's why getting over betrayal is so difficult. Who likes being forced into anything? Betrayal compounds too, as events are added. I understand it. My ex is now cohabitating with her love interest and I'm still hesitant to commit. It is what it is. Still? I realize my subconscious loves its vision of her, which in realistic terms is not a accurate picture of who she really is. My brain knows this, but my heart sometimes forgets. I haven't seen my ex in ages...but when I do it's usually a solid reminder that causes me to be thankful all over again.

 

A good saying; "Yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery, today is a gift. That's why it's called the present." The greatest people in history were often, if not always subjected to tremendous injustice murph. That incredible triumph over tragedy built a skill set that enabled them to accomplish even greater, more profound things. I'm betting you will too.

 

Less regrets, more accomplishments. That's the present challenge.

[murphomatic]

Thanks, Steadfast. These things give me hope. I need to start looking past this... I'm 5 weeks post-d-day, and things still feel so raw. Especially with her seemingly rubbing it in my face.

[murphomatic]

I heard from a mutual friend today, whom I haven't spoken to in awhile. Apparently, the story that she is telling people is that having the affair was the only way for her to get out of our relationship. This is unbelievable to me, & a little bit frightening. I'm left wondering if she is making me out as some sort of violent person, who was unapproachable to discuss problems and challenges.

 

Like i said before, if she had grievances about our marriage, not a *single* time did she speak to me about them, or suggest couples counseling. For all I knew, she was happy with her life. I provided a good life for her.

[Spark1111]

I heard from a mutual friend today, whom I haven't spoken to in awhile. Apparently, the story that she is telling people is that having the affair was the only way for her to get out of our relationship. This is unbelievable to me, & a little bit frightening. I'm left wondering if she is making me out as some sort of violent person, who was unapproachable to discuss problems and challenges.

 

Like i said before, if she had grievances about our marriage, not a *single* time did she speak to me about them, or suggest couples counseling. For all I knew, she was happy with her life. I provided a good life for her.

 

nah....it's typical...ignore it.

 

And anyone with half a brain who does relationships WELL, WILL look at her sideways after a ridiculous comment like that.

 

When you hear rediculous comments like that, and you may, stay calm, smile, and reply " REALLY?" Arch an eyebrow, and respond: "SO, that's the tale she's spinning now to justify ALL her affairs?.....THAT's amazing... DAMN, I STILL MISS those kids sooo much." And change the subject.

 

Truly confidant people do NOT JUSTIFY attacks that are not true. Talk with your closest friends and family and IC ALL you need to, but mutual friends and acquaintances? Take the high road and act as if it is laughable. Because it is.

[murphomatic]

Thanks Drencrom. This forest is sometimes hard to see through the trees.

[turnera]

We've been married for only 18 months. For 12 months of that, she's been unemployed and a stay-at-home mom.

Sounds like she was looking for a SugarDaddy and found one.

[turnera]

I'm left wondering if she is making me out as some sort of violent person, who was unapproachable to discuss problems and challenges.

Who cares? Anyone who believes her was never your friend and will soon be a distant memory. Have you told her parents and siblings what she did?

[turnera]

Someday when I feel like I'm ready, I'll go looking again for someone to build a life and partnership with.

I hope this comes AFTER several years of therapy to help you stop being a Fixer. If you don't do that first, you'll just be walking around with sucker on your forehead for the next User, who can spot guys like you a mile away. This doesn't go away just because you want it to - it takes lots of therapy to figure out WHY you do it and give you new instructions.