I'm So Destroyed

[karnak]

The striking thing here is that 12/2 back in 2010 - was the day of our first date ever.

 

Wow...

 

Brrr... weird.

 

Well... some people do say there are no coincidences.

[murphomatic]

What an eloquent and thoughtful reply. Thank you.

 

I want to believe that she is not evil; I want to think that she thought that if she settled down with a nice guy and went through the motions of living a decent life, it would kill her demons..

 

It didn't work...obviously.

 

But part if me wonders.. for example, even now, ages making this process as painful and difficult for me as possible. She won't cooperate in any way, my attorney is having to court-order her to do things, file motions to get tax docs, etc. She will make this go all the way to trial because she knows that:

 

1. It will be EXPENSIVE for me (which I will try to get judgement for my attorney fees from her at the end).

2. She knows I can't buy a house and move on with my life while my taxes aren't filed and I'm still technically married.

 

It's like she revels in the fact that she continues to hurt me and hold me back. I never did anything wrong to her, I always lived and supported her. I don't understand her vindictiveness...and that's what makes me wonder if she's evil.

[2sunny]

The courts usually rule on her ABILITY to earn income - based on what she's earned in prior years... So provide that evidence.

 

You may be able to obtain her tax info from an IRS office if you take your joint taxes in and supply the info on her. It should be on your prior tax returns.

 

Assume she won't provide much - as she hasn't been compliant so far... And the courts usually don't impose much in the way of penalties for not following the deadlines in family law.

 

Work your way around it by asking for the info from the source = the IRS. All they can do is say no.

[karnak]

What an eloquent and thoughtful reply. Thank you.

 

I want to believe that she is not evil; I want to think that she thought that if she settled down with a nice guy and went through the motions of living a decent life, it would kill her demons..

 

It didn't work...obviously.

 

But part if me wonders.. for example, even now, ages making this process as painful and difficult for me as possible. She won't cooperate in any way, my attorney is having to court-order her to do things, file motions to get tax docs, etc. She will make this go all the way to trial because she knows that:

 

1. It will be EXPENSIVE for me (which I will try to get judgement for my attorney fees from her at the end).

2. She knows I can't buy a house and move on with my life while my taxes aren't filed and I'm still technically married.

 

It's like she revels in the fact that she continues to hurt me and hold me back. I never did anything wrong to her, I always lived and supported her. I don't understand her vindictiveness...and that's what makes me wonder if she's evil.

 

Coming from someone who almost went to prison and lost all my money because of a "friend" of mine... yes, she's evil.

 

And trust me: evil people always try to appear nice.

[murphomatic]

Today, a county sheriff showed up at my work and served a restraining order on me. It is filled with lies and BS about how she feels she's in imminent danger. She quotes me saying things I never said, and uses things I did say highly out of context.

 

She told me to not contact her or the kids the other day, but I continued to send text msgs to the kids telling them I love and miss them.

 

So much for being a good and decent guy and human being. This is my reward...one more kick in the teeth...

[karnak]

I'm sorry for that, Murph.

 

I guess that just proves that she's the real danger for her kids here.

[Darth Vader]

So, as I continue to sift through the wreckage of my marriage - I decided to reach out to Mr. Hallmark Card yesterday. I knew he had the hots for my wife, and when I heard about the hallmark card incident where he professed his love for her last year, my suspicions were confirmed. My wife denied anything ever happened between them - but I decided to speak to him and find out anyway.

 

Holy crap.

 

So, he says they never slept with each other - but they messed around quite a bit ... to the point where they might as well have slept with each other. And this happened all within 6 months of she and I getting married. He has confessed this activity to his wife, and they are dealing with the fallout. I forgave him for his actions with my wife.

 

I have finally come to terms with the fact that she never loved me. Not in the beginning of our marriage or when we first started dating. Not ever. I was just a pawn in her game.

 

Somehow, this helps me realize better that her actions weren't my fault. That she was completely screwed in the head out of the gate. Our marriage was DOA.

 

 

I'm no Doctor, but, this woman (if you want to call her that) sounds very Narcissistic on so many levels! Get AWAY from her, RUUUN!

[Chi townD]

You got a pitbull lawyer. Have her get rid of the RO and then go after her for filing a false statement.

[Coolit]

I know you know this. But do not give up on your kids no matter what they say. I know a dad who did. His W cheated on him and then poisened their small daughter against him. And he gave up and didn't fight when the daughter didn't want to see him. As a result he has a 21 year old doaughtwr who hates him for abandoning her...

 

Unless your stbx is a sociopath I'd say this may not be pure evilness but rather a very strong and crazy effort to assauge herself of all guilt. Had a friend when I was younger who broke up with her boyfriend. She felt guilty about it and couldn't handle that she broke up with him poorly and used him. So she worked very hard to turn him into the bad guy. It was irrational and stupid and no one who was witness to the event believed her. But that didn't stop her.

 

I'd bet she wants everyone on her side so that she doesn't have to own up to being a terrible person. I feel for you. That is not someone who you want raising your kids and yet your hands are tied. Maybe your lawyer can help yoi get custody while your stbx gets some help.

[MidwestUSA]

Coolit: IIRC, he has no biological ties to the kids. Someone can correct me if I'm wrong. I've been lurking here and hoping for a positive follow up from OP, fingers crossed!

[Coolit]

Coolit: IIRC, he has no biological ties to the kids. Someone can correct me if I'm wrong. I've been lurking here and hoping for a positive follow up from OP, fingers crossed!

 

Oh that's right. I have been lurking on it too. Then this is really a sad case. Though I do know a guy who ended up with his step kids. But that was because there was no one else and his wife was commited. Even then he had to fight to get them from social services.

[murphomatic]

Oh that's right. I have been lurking on it too. Then this is really a sad case. Though I do know a guy who ended up with his step kids. But that was because there was no one else and his wife was commited. Even then he had to fight to get them from social services.

Correct, I have no biological or legal/adoptive rights to the kids... at all. With the restraining order, I've been cut off from all contact and communication (I've also had my right to due-process completely violated, but that's another conversation). She has already poisoned the kids against me .. she has told them that I "made her quit her job, financially screwed her over, and then abandoned the family and want nothing to do with them ever again."

 

The reality of this situation is that my chances of getting any kind of visitation granted is slim-to-none.

 

I will keep fighting, however. The kids deserve so much more... so much better.

[Spark1111]

I am so glad you have climbed out of the swamp of Post DDay emotions to come to full center and realize her actions, lies and deceit had NOTHING to do with you!

 

You are halfway home to healing.

 

Sit back, ignore the dramatic antics ( because it can NEVER be their fault, right?) and continue forging a future of calm strength and integrity.

 

ALWAYS take the high road, especially with those kids....

 

The life goal is to be able to look back at this time and have NO REGRETS. You want to look back on your death bed and say " I was the better person. I was angry but did not seek revenge."

 

There is peace in that. if your lawyer gets TOO PITBULL....pull THEM back murph...be true to you. be calm, be fair. let it go.

 

No regrets. that is the only way to heal.

[BetrayedH]

Correct, I have no biological or legal/adoptive rights to the kids... at all. With the restraining order, I've been cut off from all contact and communication (I've also had my right to due-process completely violated, but that's another conversation). She has already poisoned the kids against me .. she has told them that I "made her quit her job, financially screwed her over, and then abandoned the family and want nothing to do with them ever again."

 

The reality of this situation is that my chances of getting any kind of visitation granted is slim-to-none.

 

I will keep fighting, however. The kids deserve so much more... so much better.

 

You know, confirmation that this was how it's going to come down was pretty predictable. But damn, you know how to pick 'em, Murph.

 

Don't worry. You aren't the only one with a broken woman-picker around here.

 

It still stuns me to see what people are capable of. Don't worry; she'll get hers in the end. What a beoch.

[Spark1111]

have you set up that fund for them? The one we talked about? where you can put money in their name and she can't touch?

 

Do it, please. It may be the ONLY card up your sleeve with them, one they will not discover until they are young adults?

 

That is your ace in the hole.....do it.

[BetrayedH]

have you set up that fund for them? The one we talked about? where you can put money in their name and she can't touch?

 

Do it, please. It may be the ONLY card up your sleeve with them, one they will not discover until they are young adults?

 

That is your ace in the hole.....do it.

 

That really is an awesome idea.

[dichotomy]

Has her family also cut off ties with you? Be careful what you say to them these days until the legal issues are resolved in court.

[ver13]

I've been following your thread and you are going through a lot right now with your STBX. At some point you have to look at what is best for all involved ie... Your continued relationship with her kids. I can tell that you love them deeply, all that you can do is hope that when they get older they will or you will reach out. For now the issue is settled ie... the RO from the sheriff. You have only been together for a short time and throughout this relationship only one of you honored the commitment. You have to choose to let go completely and move on away from this woman. She will continue to use her kids against you if you don't. Count yourself lucky that she hasn't convinced either of them that you touched them inappropriately, Yet. Based off what you have written here she is more that capable of going in any direction but the right one. Let go and move on before someone really gets hurt and I don't mean emotionally. Criminal allegations have multiple unintended consequences.

[RightThere]

Anyway .. with the discovery of so many other men in her life, right under my nose, the patterns in her distance seem to coincide with the presence of lovers ... which makes sense. I halfway wondered at the time what was going on, and on several occasions - I asked her if there was someone else because her behavior and coldness toward me didn't make a lot of sense. She always denied it, and I always encouraged her to talk to me if that situation ever came to pass that she found someone else.

 

Such a mess ... and as it turns out, my gut feeling was right about so many things ... and so many times, I just ignored it because I loved my wife and I wanted to believe in her. And - I wanted to believe that I wouldn't be so stupid to make myself so vulnerable to someone who was so untrustworthy.

 

Murphomatic:

 

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing all of this. I feel like I'm reading my own story here. I'm not sure how mine is going to play out, but I feel so great knowing that someone else has gone through the pain I'm feeling right now.

 

Thank you

[Try]

The reality of this situation is that my chances of getting any kind of visitation granted is slim-to-none.

 

I will keep fighting, however. The kids deserve so much more... so much better.

Actually the odds are better than you think, just not through the courts. Since she is greedy, you can buy your way in for far less than what child support would have cost you. Once the divorce is all over, tell her that since you are not under any legal obligation to help financially with the children, any financial and other help that you give them will be based solely on the depth of the relationship that she allows you to have with them. Tell her that buying them cloth, helping pay for school trips, paying for driving lessons, college assistance, etc., stuff that you would normally do if you were allowed to still be in their lives, is only possible if she lets it be possible. Let her know that such assistance would be in the children's best interest as well as her's, in that it would often would mean that she would not have to spend her own money for these things. Funny if the courts required you to pay this, she would get the money even if she turned them against you. Yet this way, not only would you be giving far less financially, but every dollar would be appreciated by her and the children. Funny how that works.

 

Do not waste the money on legal fees for a lost cause. Use that money after the divorce, to by your way in. Let her know that you will not just give her the money for her use, and that the money needs to be for the children's benefit. You can be generous and it would still be a fraction of what child support would have cost you.

[murphomatic]

I will setup accounts for the kids to access later. That is a great idea. As soon as I stop bleeding money and can reestablish a budget for my life.

 

I'm currently a bit mystified by how I can go for a couple weeks now, and be mostly angry and business-like about this, and then tonight - I'm a sobbing puddle of tears.

 

I don't miss her .. she's an evil monster. But I miss the kids and the life I thought I had... and I'm horrified about what the kids have been told to believe about me.

 

I took my watch to a jeweler for a new battery tonight, and saw a ring that looked like the engagement ring I bought her...it was everything I could do to not just fold right in the middle of the store.

 

I thought I did such a good job as a husband and dad. I really tried so hard to be everything I could for my wife and kids, but I lost them anyway. Some nights, I'm still so incredibly sad...

[Deeplydisturbed]

I'm not sure if I would do that but your wife is cheating on you within 2 years and in spite of the fact that you've been a good husband. That does close the door for any reconciliation but I think you don't need one. I suppose its okay because now everybody knows what your wife is really all about.

[RightThere]

I thought I did such a good job as a husband and dad. I really tried so hard to be everything I could for my wife and kids, but I lost them anyway. Some nights, I'm still so incredibly sad...

 

Keep posting. You should know that my situation has so many similarities (running group, multiple affairs). I keep checking on you because I know exactly how you are feeling. The betrayal and lies are almost unimaginable.

 

I feel like I'm in a dark place all the time. But knowing that you are fighting through this gives me some hope.

[Spark1111]

I will setup accounts for the kids to access later. That is a great idea. As soon as I stop bleeding money and can reestablish a budget for my life.

 

I'm currently a bit mystified by how I can go for a couple weeks now, and be mostly angry and business-like about this, and then tonight - I'm a sobbing puddle of tears.

 

I don't miss her .. she's an evil monster. But I miss the kids and the life I thought I had... and I'm horrified about what the kids have been told to believe about me.

 

I took my watch to a jeweler for a new battery tonight, and saw a ring that looked like the engagement ring I bought her...it was everything I could do to not just fold right in the middle of the store.

 

I thought I did such a good job as a husband and dad. I really tried so hard to be everything I could for my wife and kids, but I lost them anyway. Some nights, I'm still so incredibly sad...

 

that is so normal.....to grieve the relationship, the life, you thought you had.

 

Murph, you'd be going through that whether or not you divorced. Understand?

 

EVERYONE goes through this even when they reconcile. If you could have reconciled, it is only made a slight bit palatable because you have a remorseful fWS trying to do everything possible to change your opinion of them....for YEARS. Get it?

 

keep a journal for the kids. maybe you will NEVER give it to them, but do it! Everything you want to say to them, say it in the journal.

 

Start today.

[murphomatic]

Just a quick update..

 

We had mediation, which failed as expected. She's in this for the fight. I recently got copies of letter the kids wrote to the judge requesting that they be appointed counsel...and claiming I'm a mean and dangerous person that they never want to see again.

 

Wife also filed her taxes as married - separate. Claimed the kids as dependents and got a huge refund due to her lack of income. I'm screwed and will owe the IRS a ton of cash because I can't claim the kids now, but taxes were withheld from my checks as though I was supporting a family of 4. I'm not sure what my next move is...she plays dirty and I'm having a hard time keeping up because I don't play dirty..or really even know how to. I just keep thinking "wow...this is my reward for being a stand-up guy. How nice."