Author murphomatic Posted July 17, 2013 Author Share Posted July 17, 2013 turnera - yes, she enjoyed the life I helped to provide for her when we were together. I have told her parents and siblings. A couple of her closer siblings side with me and have taken time to spend time with me. You make a good point about being a "fixer." I suppose it's in my nature - not that I am necessarily looking for girls with "fixable" problems. I just am one of those types guys who, when they run into something broken, it drives them nuts until they fix it. I'd love nothing more than to find a lady who didn't need any "fixing" ... and honestly, I thought that was what I found with my STBXW. She presented herself in the beginning as such a strong, responsible and independent career woman who juggled a demanding job, house and kids all successfully. This was a big part of my attraction to her - because finally, here was a woman who was making it on her own, and doing it successfully I might add. I thought this one finally broke the string of users before her. Anyway - I agree, therapy is a necessary (and ongoing for now) thing. I have serious trust issues. I would be paranoid to get into any relationship with someone presently. I really and truly made myself so completely vulnerable to my wife - I feel like it was a hugely stupid thing to do; if you make yourself vulnerable to someone, they will just use it against you. I'm struggling with that perspective. Anyway ... she calls at least once a day now. I ignore her calls. She never leaves a message. I always thought "ya know, if someone calls you and then can't be bothered to leave a message, the thing they're calling about must not be that important." Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 Get out in them world and start living again! Join groups and take a class you're interested in! Get busy! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author murphomatic Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 Definitely am. I'm currently on a motorcycle trip across Oregon, California and Nevada. It's good to be free. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 The reason people don't leave a message is so that they can control the situation. If they leave a message, then it's YOUR decision whether to respond - giving you the control. Also, if she can talk to you 'live,' she can tailor what she says to manipulate you. It was an interesting relevation for me when I figured that out, separating people I knew into the two categories. As far as a future spouse, give any relationship a full year, at LEAST, before deciding to make it serious. That gives you lots of time to see good times as well as bad times. And seeing how someone handles the bad times is often more important than how they handle the good times (which they can manipulate to their favor). Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 She presented herself in the beginning as such a strong, responsible and independent career woman who juggled a demanding job, house and kids all successfully. This was a big part of my attraction to her - because finally, here was a woman who was making it on her own, and doing it successfully I might add. I thought this one finally broke the string of users before her. Yep. Some people are really masters of disguise. Try as you might, there are people who can really create and live in a wold which is a big lie. Probably because these kinds of people (such as your ex-wife) really do believe in the fake life they've created for themselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author murphomatic Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 She called a few times over the last 36 hours, so I called her back last night and asked her what she wanted. She said, through tears, "I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday." I said "Thanks - that's very kind of you. Have a good rest of the evening. Bye." ... and hung up. Today is my birthday. As a gift to myself, I will not allow her to manipulate me by my emotional attachment to her or the kids any longer. My contact with will either be none, or extremely limited. Thanks turnera. A year is a good trial-period. Was one of the principals I observed for awhile before meeting my STBXW. I should've stuck to my principals. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 Happy Birthday! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 If a year is what you need - then take it. I spent two and it was way too long to begin to get back dating. I know your wish is to hopefully be a dad again, and your at an age that you should not wait too long, but long enough to get some healing, therapy, and space. Trust is something I have struggled with. All I trust now is that most people are flawed, have some baggage, and aren't always keen to air it. It sounds like you are denying you soon to be ex's control games, thats good. Happy birthday. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
eddyctv Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 Today is my birthday. UGH it's my exes birthday today too. Great. Happy birthday...to YOU anyway hahaha... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 Happy Birthday, mine tomorrow-Red Sox/Yankees game. Go have fun and lots of it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author murphomatic Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 Murph: If you're in the area, Lehman Caves is a must-see! And all of the high mountains in central Nevada are beautiful and remote surprises. Happy birthday! -ol' 2long Wish I was over on that side of the state. Unfortunately, I'm on the Reno/Tahoe side. I will likely be heading that way in a few weeks though, so I will spend some time checking it out. Thanks 2long! Happy Birthday, mine tomorrow-Red Sox/Yankees game. Go have fun and lots of it! Happy birthday tomorrow to you! My STBXW is a HUGE RedSox fan. I never got into baseball until I met her. I'm struggling now with whether or not I will maintain my RedSox loyalties. Link to post Share on other sites
sunrays012 Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 coming from someone who has cheated she should at least be sorry and she should be being really nice to you if you're willing to forgive. Outing her probably was immature but people do things and act out when they are hurt. She should understand it. Considering that you have cared for two children that arent even yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 Happy birthday tomorrow to you! My STBXW is a HUGE RedSox fan. I never got into baseball until I met her. I'm struggling now with whether or not I will maintain my RedSox loyalties. I like baseball, always have, even as a little girl when my dad would me watch - go figure, 3 older brothers! He got tired of me asking who was in what color and I would like the team with the prettiest color uniforms! I also thought all football players had black eyes from being hit so much...LOL I am a Cards fan, but I love going to the games, no matter who is playing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author murphomatic Posted July 18, 2013 Author Share Posted July 18, 2013 coming from someone who has cheated she should at least be sorry and she should be being really nice to you if you're willing to forgive. Outing her probably was immature but people do things and act out when they are hurt. She should understand it. Considering that you have cared for two children that arent even yours.In the beginning (after freaking out and putting the post on Facebook, which I removed minutes later), I wanted to find a path to forgiveness. I told her that I wasn't ready to forgive her, but knew that we could find a way if we could work together on our marriage. She wouldn't end her affair. She flew out of state a couple more times to run more marathons and meet up with her OM. The only time she (faked) any remorse was when she wanted something from me (primarily financial). Once those needs were met, her interest in reconciliation and show of remorse waned quickly. I finally came to realize what the good folks in this forum have been telling me all along: 1. She never loved me. 2. She used me. 3. I was an easy mark for a con-woman. 4. She likely has a mental/psychological disorder that prevents her from feeling empathy in any capacity. In her mind, her feelings and emotions are the only real ones in the whole world - and other people are simply paper-dolls without any real feelings. She's a compulsive liar and likely suffers narcissistic personality disorder. As much as I love her (or at least the "her" that I knew), the person that I know now that all the covers have been lifted - I don't even know. She's a scary, conniving, heartless user of people for her own selfish fulfillment. She will even use her own kids (or leave them by the wayside) if it means getting her needs met. She disgusts me, and I could never see myself together with her ever again ... now that I know who she REALLY is. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 Outing her probably was immature but people do things and act out when they are hurt. Why would you think that outing her was immature? I'm not a betrayed spouse but I think it was absolutely justified considering what she has done. Actually, I don't think he has exposed her affair enough and now it is starting to bite him in the a$$. If I were in OP's shoes I would also post the OM on Cheaterville.com - nobody gets to bang my wife with no consequences.... I would make it perfectly clear to him. Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted July 19, 2013 Share Posted July 19, 2013 In the beginning (after freaking out and putting the post on Facebook, which I removed minutes later), I wanted to find a path to forgiveness. I told her that I wasn't ready to forgive her, but knew that we could find a way if we could work together on our marriage. She wouldn't end her affair. She flew out of state a couple more times to run more marathons and meet up with her OM. The only time she (faked) any remorse was when she wanted something from me (primarily financial). Once those needs were met, her interest in reconciliation and show of remorse waned quickly. I finally came to realize what the good folks in this forum have been telling me all along: 1. She never loved me. 2. She used me. 3. I was an easy mark for a con-woman. 4. She likely has a mental/psychological disorder that prevents her from feeling empathy in any capacity. In her mind, her feelings and emotions are the only real ones in the whole world - and other people are simply paper-dolls without any real feelings. She's a compulsive liar and likely suffers narcissistic personality disorder. As much as I love her (or at least the "her" that I knew), the person that I know now that all the covers have been lifted - I don't even know. She's a scary, conniving, heartless user of people for her own selfish fulfillment. She will even use her own kids (or leave them by the wayside) if it means getting her needs met. She disgusts me, and I could never see myself together with her ever again ... now that I know who she REALLY is. Don't feel bad with yourself for being used by your ex. Most (all?) good and honest people usually fall prey to these kind of predators. To be honest, I've never met a decent guy or gal who hasn't been tricked/cheated/robbed/fooled by one of these selfish bastards. Life goes on, Murph. You seem to be a mighty decent guy. You'll win the big prize in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author murphomatic Posted July 19, 2013 Author Share Posted July 19, 2013 Thanks karnak. Kind words, and I appreciate them. Life does go on... Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Thanks karnak. Kind words, and I appreciate them. Life does go on... I've recently terminated a friendship of 15+ years with a woman friend of mine. We were really just friends. In fact there are brothers and sisters who seem to have a worse connection than we did. We really were that close (well, at least that's what I thought). Very recently I've uncovered some very disturbing facts concerning that woman. To make a long story short, let's say that this woman lied to me several times, in some serious matters. Why did she do that? Heck, I can't really understand, since she really had nothing to gain with this kind of behaviour (in fact, in the end, she did loose everything). You seem to know a person for more than 15 years and, all of a sudden, you discover it was all one big lie. 15 years, man... Why? Why do these persons lie to us, while stating that they are and shall always be 100% honest? My personal opinion is: because they can. It's in their nature. They can't avoid it. Like the scorpion and the frog in that old fable. There's no sure way to avoid people like this. They're like the psycho killers in the movies. You can only catch them when they (in their perverted, twisted mind) decide they want to be caught. The only sane and healthy thing one can do is turn our backs and leave as soon as we know them for who they truly are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author murphomatic Posted July 20, 2013 Author Share Posted July 20, 2013 I think you're right - I think they're mentally ill. My wife has been telling people that having the affair was the only way she could get out of our relationship, so you can only imagine the reasons she's giving for why she couldn't just talk to me and ask for a divorce. I tried to talk to the kids night before last. They said they were allowed to talk to me, but didn't want to. So again - you can only imagine what she has told them. It's still so unbelievable to me. I was always so good and loving to my wife and kids. I never did a single thing that would make me even remotely deserving of what is being done to me. It's criminal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 I think you're right - I think they're mentally ill. My wife has been telling people that having the affair was the only way she could get out of our relationship, so you can only imagine the reasons she's giving for why she couldn't just talk to me and ask for a divorce. I tried to talk to the kids night before last. They said they were allowed to talk to me, but didn't want to. So again - you can only imagine what she has told them. It's still so unbelievable to me. I was always so good and loving to my wife and kids. I never did a single thing that would make me even remotely deserving of what is being done to me. It's criminal. Trust me. I understand your pain. A break of trust, in a marriage or in a friendship (and what is a marriage worth without true friendship?) is one of the most damaging things that can happen to anyone. You feel that you've given everything you had (time, money, health, etc) and you fight with all your strength to make another person happy. And suddenly, when you're least expecting, you receive a stab in the back or in the stomach. Suddenly, the world crumbles. And then comes the terrible question: "if X, who I thought was the most special person in the planet did this to me, then what will everyone else do to me?" And the answer is, indeed, a terrible one: yes there sure are too many people in this world who will have no problem in using you and crushing you. But it's not your fault. As I stated above, this is like being the victim of a psychopath. One minute you're strolling in the park... the next minute you're being greeted by Hannibal Lecter. And a couple hours later you're being eaten. But as long as you remain true to your moral codes, and to yourself, you'll survive. You won't stop being a decent and honest guy. But you'll be wiser. More cautious. You won't be a "nice guy" anymore. You'll be a gentleman. Able to help anyone who is really worth your time and effort. But, at the same time, able to break the teeth of those who try to abuse you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author murphomatic Posted July 21, 2013 Author Share Posted July 21, 2013 Really missing my family today. Feeling very alone in the world without my wife and kids. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 21, 2013 Share Posted July 21, 2013 murph, they are not your kids, correct? And you've only been with them for a few years, correct? I hate to be the one to say it, but odds are, these children are out of your life now. You need to accept this. I watched my brother hook up with women with kids, spend YEARS with them, raise them, only to have the (seriously messed up) woman leave him and rip the kids out of his life. That's just how it works sometimes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author murphomatic Posted July 21, 2013 Author Share Posted July 21, 2013 I know... my time with them is over. I've only been with them about 3 years.. I know others have had it worse, like your bro. Just a rough day today, I guess. I wasn't ready for the life I had to end. Link to post Share on other sites
annaballerina Posted July 21, 2013 Share Posted July 21, 2013 Hi I'm so sorry what you're going through. I just wanted to say that just because your wife has been having an affair online doesn't mean she necessarily wants to leave you or that she doesn't love you. I know you probably think that's crazy but I'm speaking from close experience. Have you two been close intimately? Or have you been distant? Are there any areas of your marriage that were lacking that could've contributed to the affair? I'm not saying it's your fault or it's an excuse but maybe you could still salvage your marriage. Trust has been broken so I'd do it through a psychologist that specializes in marriages. Good luck and were here for you Link to post Share on other sites
annaballerina Posted July 21, 2013 Share Posted July 21, 2013 Have you told her how much you miss the kids? If she loves her kids she shouldn't sever your relationship with them Link to post Share on other sites
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