I'm So Destroyed

[Spark1111]

I just want to protect myself and expose the truth to as many people as possible...particularly those who have been portrayed as wrong-doers in her life.

 

Best example is her father whom she claims raped her from the time she was 9 until she was 13. Never happened, but she tells people this. A lot of people, apparently, but when she told me - of course she said she doesn't tell anyone, and swore me to secrecy. That's how her lies work. Tell the massive, has-to-be-real story, and then shuts down all the communication channels so nobody will discuss it and say "hey...WAIT a minute."

 

that is what border lines and histrionics do...and yes! A person can be a mix of both. I had a college roommate who suffered from this way before I knew what it was.

 

they create tall, outrageous tales, swear others to secrecy, and use the drama to manipulate others....like claiming they are pregnant when NOT and had the abortion when they didn't. Very, very ill and charming and highly functioning.

 

If you could ever assemble a room full of people she has lied to and actively compare notes on what she has fabricated to all of you, it is very eye-opening and scary and very sad, especially in front of a mental health professional with some authority.

 

needless to say, my former roommate left college, but before she did, her mother stopped speaking to me. Who knows what lies mama was told about ME!

 

Years later I heard she married and divorced while very pregnant, claiming her H left suddenly after beating her late in the pregnancy. Pooor baby.

 

a year later, when his daughter had been born, he returned to town swearing he NEVER beat her.

 

he left when he unexpectedly walked in on his very pregnant, newlywed wife in bed with another man!

 

years later I bumped into her and she pretended as if she did not know me.

 

How far are you willing to go with this? if you tell dad, are there any others she has repeated this monstrous lie to? Do you have proof?

 

be careful here....

[karnak]

You're probably right. I'm not interested in revenge, but where I can thoughtfully point out her lies - I will.

 

She should not be able to lie like she does, and get away with it. The only reason she has so far is because nobody holds her accountable.

 

I will at least have some class in how I wilt her lies. No interest in appearing like the jilted spouse.

 

What about her family (brothers and parents)?

[murphomatic]

She has three brothers and two sisters. One brother lives far away, the other is considerably older and they don't have much of a relationship, and the other brother is just now discovering things she has lied about to him. He says he's willing to testify in a hearing on my behalf.

 

Her sisters - only her oldest sister really knows a lot of my STBXW's lies and secrets...and some of the stuff that I've told her has been news to her. I believe she would testify for me as well, but she hasn't said so specifically.

 

Her parents are still so shocked by all this, I don't know that they even know what to think..

[karnak]

Personally I'm in favour of exposing "criminals" for what they are.

 

But, in this particular case, I don't think legal action needs to be involved. Exposure to society is one thing.

But using the judicial system to expose a bitch is different altogether. Anyway, I don't think that's your goal anyway, Murph.

 

 

But yes. I really do believe that everyone who has been around your wife must know the truth (your side of the truth anyway). That way we can avoid more new victims.

 

As I stated in an earlier post, if I had been warned of the truth concerning some people I met I sure would have dodged a massive ammount of trouble. Now I hope that the people in question and those that knew the truth die some gruesome, horrible deaths. They really deserve it, no joke or exageration here.

 

As Steadfast wrote, truth always comes out. Unfortunately, sometimes it comes too late.

[murphomatic]

True.. and the only legal battle I'm interested in fighting is the one where she gets $0.00 and I'm allowed to visit the kids.

 

Unfortunately, it's not illegal to be a lying, cheating whore of a wife.

[Steadfast]

As Steadfast wrote, truth always comes out. Unfortunately, sometimes it comes too late.

 

Just because we don't see it happen doesn't mean justice isn't served. In fact, as a betrayed spouse you can bet you'll be the last one to know.

 

IMO, you're fighting the wrong battle murph. Do you REALLY want to make a statement that'll stick? Prove to her and everyone now that you deeply loved her then. Your honor will take you out of the mess and burn a hole in her web of lies. Don't bull$hit me, anyone else or yourself; you want to take her down. Make her pay. Punish. Frankly, a real man...a loving, genuine, humble man will allow his actions to shine through the darkness.

 

Those who wade into the pigpen to hose off the swine end up just as dirty.

[murphomatic]

She hurt me, yes. Do I want to punish her? Perhaps. do I want to protect those who are being lied to currently? Absolutely. The only reason I would want her to hurt would be so that she could experience the same kind of pain she has put me through. However, I realize that is a losing battle. She is completely emotionally bereft, and has no idea what it means to actually love somebody. There is no way she could ever empathize with the kind of pain she has put me through. You're right in saying that attempting to hurt her would only reflect poorly on me.

 

The truth is that I loved her and her kids more deeply, and more purely than I have ever loved anyone or anything in my entire life. I took amazingly good care of my family, and I was proud to do so. That will have to stand on its merits alone.

 

That is my only offense.

[turnera]

True.. and the only legal battle I'm interested in fighting is the one where she gets $0.00 and I'm allowed to visit the kids.

murph, I mean no disrespect, I really am trying to help you. But I'd ask you to move forward 5 years in your mind. She's remarried, she has a new 'daddy' in the picture who's been raising these kids, who are not your kids. They've barely seen you and you don't really register in their scheme of things; you aren't the man who puts them to bed, who takes them to their games or recitals, who they tell their secrets to - because you were just another one of the men their mom had living with them for a few years. MAYBE they might be seeing their REAL dad from time to time. But you're just some guy they have memories of.

 

I get that you miss them, but can you try to be realistic about this? No judge is going to give you time with these kids. You aren't their parent. And even if she were to allow you to see them from time to time, you would slowly fade from their consciousness until you are just some guy who keeps showing up for some strange reason.

[murphomatic]

murph, I mean no disrespect, I really am trying to help you. But I'd ask you to move forward 5 years in your mind. She's remarried, she has a new 'daddy' in the picture who's been raising these kids, who are not your kids. They've barely seen you and you don't really register in their scheme of things; you aren't the man who puts them to bed, who takes them to their games or recitals, who they tell their secrets to - because you were just another one of the men their mom had living with them for a few years. MAYBE they might be seeing their REAL dad from time to time. But you're just some guy they have memories of.

 

I get that you miss them, but can you try to be realistic about this? No judge is going to give you time with these kids. You aren't their parent. And even if she were to allow you to see them from time to time, you would slowly fade from their consciousness until you are just some guy who keeps showing up for some strange reason.

No disrespect taken ... and I'm sure you're probably right. Time will move on and things will change. I will likely re-marry at some point too, and I'm not sure how my future wife would perceive my relationship with my ex-wife's kids.

 

Alas, wasn't it Blaise Pascal who said "The heart has reasons of which reason knows nothing.."?

 

That's my only explanation at this point. I love the kids, and I worry for their mental and developmental health. But I will need to let them go. Especially at this point, they're expressing that they do not want to speak to me. Maybe someday, when they're adults, they will realize what a monster and a thief their mother is, and they may reach out. I can only hope that they won't be so damaged by that point that their motivation for reaching out will be something other than to take.

[murphomatic]

So, as I continue to sift through the wreckage of my marriage - I decided to reach out to Mr. Hallmark Card yesterday. I knew he had the hots for my wife, and when I heard about the hallmark card incident where he professed his love for her last year, my suspicions were confirmed. My wife denied anything ever happened between them - but I decided to speak to him and find out anyway.

 

Holy crap.

 

So, he says they never slept with each other - but they messed around quite a bit ... to the point where they might as well have slept with each other. And this happened all within 6 months of she and I getting married. He has confessed this activity to his wife, and they are dealing with the fallout. I forgave him for his actions with my wife.

 

I have finally come to terms with the fact that she never loved me. Not in the beginning of our marriage or when we first started dating. Not ever. I was just a pawn in her game.

 

Somehow, this helps me realize better that her actions weren't my fault. That she was completely screwed in the head out of the gate. Our marriage was DOA.

[2sunny]

And you believe him?

 

I'd bet money they had full on sex.

 

She was willing to spend thousands to go meet up with him under the premise of running at an event.

 

Lets see how often she goes when it's her money she needs to spend.

 

I hope you told him his minimizing story is hard to believe.

[murphomatic]

And you believe him?

 

I'd bet money they had full on sex.

 

She was willing to spend thousands to go meet up with him under the premise of running at an event.

 

Lets see how often she goes when it's her money she needs to spend.

 

I hope you told him his minimizing story is hard to believe.

I suspect they had sex ... yes. I'm operating under the assumption that they did. Keep in mind this is a different guy than the guy she is sleeping with currently whom she meets up with at different events around the country.

 

As it has turned out, my wife has been a sick and twisted whore from the beginning.

 

Damn, I wish I would've known. She hid it so well....or I was just willing to ignore my gut feeling and the signs.

[2sunny]

Why even bother with spending any more time or energy on her?

 

You should LET IT GO - as in, no more thinking or feeling about her at all!

 

The woman you THOUGHT she was doesn't exist!

 

Spend that time helping others. Volunteer...there are so many people that need help.

 

Get out and get busy living!

[murphomatic]

Why even bother with spending any more time or energy on her?

 

You should LET IT GO - as in, no more thinking or feeling about her at all!

 

The woman you THOUGHT she was doesn't exist!

 

Spend that time helping others. Volunteer...there are so many people that need help.

 

Get out and get busy living!

I know .. just easier said than done. I'm still grieving the death of the life I knew. To some degree, I'm still in shock that so much I believed in never even existed. It's just so unreal.

 

I got a text message from her yesterday indicating that she was cleaning out the house to put it on the market, and if I still had anything there, to let her know. I asked her if I could have the origami lilies I made her for our 1st anniversary (paper) and the glass globe of sand that she, I and the kids poured different colors of sand into during our wedding as part of the ceremony...blending our family.

 

She said no, I may not have those things.

 

What a bitch. Why would she want to keep things that are meaningless to her?

Edited July 25, 2013 by murphomatic

[BetrayedH]

I can relate to the feeling of it being "unreal." My wife's affair was over the top and it takes quite something to even reach acceptance of the reality of it all, let alone to process the implications. Give yourself time. I'm just past 2 years since Dday and it's still kinda crazy that this is actually my life now.

 

And while I agree with the basics of Turnera's post about the kids, I think you will rest easier knowing that you made an effort to remain in their lives. You'll also be able to telll them so should the opportunity arise someday. And who knows, perhaps you'll be able to maintain some positive connection, even if you eventually release that connection as they age. Sadly, the court siding with you is unrealistic.

 

And yeah, she's a bitch for asking what you would like to have from the marital home and then declining to grant small requests. My ex did the same. I'm sure she made herself feel better about herself by making the offer but she ultimately didn't follow thru.

[2sunny]

I wouldn't expect her to give you a thing.

 

If anything there belongs to you - list it on your court papers.

 

She's just mean - don't expect her to think of you at all - she never has - and won't likely start now.

[turnera]

She said no, I may not have those things.

 

What a bitch. Why would she want to keep things that are meaningless to her?

She probably already threw them away.

[murphomatic]

She probably already threw them away.

 

Probably.

 

I don't know if the rest of the world can see them, but this is what I made:

 

Lilies

[turnera]

Oh man, you should make those and SELL them!

[karnak]

Probably.

 

I don't know if the rest of the world can see them, but this is what I made:

 

Lilies

 

Yup.

You really were in love with her. Most guys wouldn't bother doing such a sweet gesture to their wives.

[NJtoDC]

Probably.

 

I don't know if the rest of the world can see them, but this is what I made:

 

Lilies

 

Wow, that is amazing. And that poem? I LOVE that poem. How romantic. I hope you find a woman, when you are ready, who will appreciate who you are and how you treat her. Don't let this terrible experience change you!

[karnak]

Damn, I wish I would've known. She hid it so well....or I was just willing to ignore my gut feeling and the signs.

 

Just out of curiosity, Murph, but what kind of signs are you talking about?

 

Can you be more precise? Maybe your experience can serve as an example and a warning sign, so that others may learn how to spot such people by paying attention to certain things.

 

Pardon me if I'm being too inquisitive.

[karnak]

Somehow, this helps me realize better that her actions weren't my fault. That she was completely screwed in the head out of the gate. Our marriage was DOA.

 

Guess that quote from one of the Gospels really is right: "the truth shall set you free".

[murphomatic]

Just out of curiosity, Murph, but what kind of signs are you talking about?

 

Can you be more precise? Maybe your experience can serve as an example and a warning sign, so that others may learn how to spot such people by paying attention to certain things.

 

Pardon me if I'm being too inquisitive.

Not too inquisitive at all.

 

The signs I felt were largely based on what I felt as her emotional distance in our relationship. I spoke to her on several occasions about how I felt "emotionally abandoned in our marriage." She always poo-poo'ed my feelings there ... even went as far as to suggest I was bi-polar and needed therapy. The gas-lighting she did was unbelievable, even to the point of where she would refer to conversations we never had where I had said certain things that I would've never said, and then feign concern for my failing memory when I couldn't recall them.

 

There were also other signs as far as the other men were concerned. Gifts from the other men, the way the other men acted around me, the way she nonchalantly blew off the gifts and the behavior. Her secretive texting and emailing, the use of secondary/semi-private email accounts, just her general "guarded" demeanor when it came to things specific to the communication she was having with her so-called friends.

 

I don't think that everyone she have a key to every lock that their spouse has - but their spouse should never really have a reason to deny them access .. unless they're hiding something.

 

... which, in the case of my wife, she was hiding a lot.

Edited July 25, 2013 by murphomatic

[karnak]

Was she also like that when you were just dating?

 

Or things began to sour only after you married?