I'm So Destroyed

[road]

Not too inquisitive at all.

 

The signs I felt were largely based on what I felt as her emotional distance in our relationship. I spoke to her on several occasions about how I felt "emotionally abandoned in our marriage." She always poo-poo'ed my feelings there ... even went as far as to suggest I was bi-polar and needed therapy. The gas-lighting she did was unbelievable, even to the point of where she would refer to conversations we never had where I had said certain things that I would've never said, and then feign concern for my failing memory when I couldn't recall them.

 

There were also other signs as far as the other men were concerned. Gifts from the other men, the way the other men acted around me, the way she nonchalantly blew off the gifts and the behavior. Her secretive texting and emailing, the use of secondary/semi-private email accounts, just her general "guarded" demeanor when it came to things specific to the communication she was having with her so-called friends.

 

I don't think that everyone she have a key to every lock that their spouse has - but their spouse should never really have a reason to deny them access .. unless they're hiding something.

 

... which, in the case of my wife, she was hiding a lot.

 

 

Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

[murphomatic]

Was she also like that when you were just dating?

 

Or things began to sour only after you married?

She wasn't like that when we were initially dating ... but we DID have a pretty short courtship. We met in early November of 2010, started dating exclusively 12/6/2010, I asked her to marry me 4/3/2011 and we were married 11/5/2011.

 

She started showing signs of emotional withdrawal in July of 2011. I thought some of it was just nerves, maybe a touch of cold-feet about the upcoming wedding. She also purchased a brand new Toyota Highlander in July of 2011, and that added to some of our financial stress. So there were a lot of ways to write off the signs. Once we were married, she seemed to be closer and kinder to me - but it only lasted a few months before she was back to the same kind of cold treatment of me. I once told her that I thought she was emotionally bereft; that she seemed incapable of showing any kind of care of affection toward me. Her distance grew and grew and after awhile, I just kind of accepted it was just her personality...that the infatuation phase of our relationship had finally worn off, and this was who she was. I wished she would've been more affectionate toward me, but I was willing to accept it and work on the things that I could to love her in the ways that spoke to her, and help her love me in the ways that spoke to me.

 

Anyway .. with the discovery of so many other men in her life, right under my nose, the patterns in her distance seem to coincide with the presence of lovers ... which makes sense. I halfway wondered at the time what was going on, and on several occasions - I asked her if there was someone else because her behavior and coldness toward me didn't make a lot of sense. She always denied it, and I always encouraged her to talk to me if that situation ever came to pass that she found someone else.

 

Such a mess ... and as it turns out, my gut feeling was right about so many things ... and so many times, I just ignored it because I loved my wife and I wanted to believe in her. And - I wanted to believe that I wouldn't be so stupid to make myself so vulnerable to someone who was so untrustworthy.

[murphomatic]

And now you know that you can never be snowed like that again!

 

In time, you'll be able 2 look back on this "lesson" with something akin 2 grati2de - not 2 her for being a cheat, but 2 the Great Spirit (or whatever you believe in, karma, dogma, whatever) for helping you gain this big chunk of wisdom while you still have your whole life ahead of you.

 

-ol' 2long

This is true .. and as others have stated - at least it was only a few years of my life, and not 20.

 

I actually accidentally pocket-dialed her today. It was almost laughable. I heard her voice coming from my phone asking if I just needed someone to talk to or if I needed help, or if she needed to call the hospital because she was worried about me ...

 

I proceeded to talk to her for almost 2 hours. I told her that I knew all her lies, that she wasn't going to be able to lie to my anymore. Naturally, she wanted to know what I knew .. and I declined to answer, stating that she'd just do damage control, dance around those issues, and continue to lie to me about everything else. I said "as far as you're concerned, I know EVERYTHING" ... and in a way, I think I really do know close to the whole story at this point.

 

Anyway - I was not mean to her on the phone, but I did make many good points about how she's a compulsive liar, has a serious personality disorder, needs some serious help, and is completely ruining her children by not seeking that help. I told her that I always loved her, that my love for her was true and loyal - and that she had no idea what she lost...that she would likely never know unless she had some epiphany someday, and that would be a sad day for her. It was a somewhat bizarre conversation and she cried. She said I had a way of "getting into [her] head, and it freaked [her] out." I told her to not patronize me ... I was immune to her bull**** now. And that spouses should be able to get into each others' heads ... and that it is okay; that husbands and wives could completely trust each other and be vulnerable to each other. Because my ability to read her "freaked her out," it was just another sign of how warped her view of husband/wife was.

 

Blah... need to shake it off...

[karnak]

 

Anyway .. with the discovery of so many other men in her life, right under my nose, the patterns in her distance seem to coincide with the presence of lovers ... which makes sense. I halfway wondered at the time what was going on, and on several occasions - I asked her if there was someone else because her behavior and coldness toward me didn't make a lot of sense. She always denied it, and I always encouraged her to talk to me if that situation ever came to pass that she found someone else.

 

 

Thanks for sharing your story.

 

As time passes I begin to suspect that, in these recent times, modern couples are more and more afflicted with issues concerning one or both spouses leading a double life (be it sexual, or whatever).

 

I suspect that plenty of men and women nowadays see the breakup in their relationships and don't even know the exact ammount of times that their spouse has cheated on them.

Many suffer with this kind of "emotional withdrawals" and assume it's related to depression, anger, frustration, without even imagining it's just another man/woman in the equation.

[murphomatic]

Thanks for sharing your story.

 

As time passes I begin to suspect that, in these recent times, modern couples are more and more afflicted with issues concerning one or both spouses leading a double life (be it sexual, or whatever).

 

I suspect that plenty of men and women nowadays see the breakup in their relationships and don't even know the exact ammount of times that their spouse has cheated on them.

Many suffer with this kind of "emotional withdrawals" and assume it's related to depression, anger, frustration, without even imagining it's just another man/woman in the equation.

Glad to share it ... if my story can help anyone else out there see the signs and head off some of the devastation of discovering this kind of betrayal - it's well worth it.

 

Thanks to everyone here who has advised and supported me. This forum has truly been priceless in helping me come to grips with what has been happening, and realizing my own value when I was feeling so very worthless and alone.

[murphomatic]

Had some stuff left in her storage unit that I moved over to mine this week. I dropped off the key to her unit ... and we are now completely separated.

 

The next time I see her, it will be in front of a judge.

 

Today has been a hard day.

[drifter777]

You are doing what's best for you so be strong for yourself. We all have doubts when making big, big decisions but get through it when you know it's the right thing to do.

[BetrayedH]

Had some stuff left in her storage unit that I moved over to mine this week. I dropped off the key to her unit ... and we are now completely separated.

 

The next time I see her, it will be in front of a judge.

 

Today has been a hard day.

 

Just another step towards your new life, Murph.

 

You had two hours on the phone with her. Anything inspirational there to help you get closure, understand her better, feel that she's learned her lesson? Nope. Same with my exwife. They're a lost cause. Just focus on your new life, bud. It's waiting for you.

[karnak]

Had some stuff left in her storage unit that I moved over to mine this week. I dropped off the key to her unit ... and we are now completely separated.

 

The next time I see her, it will be in front of a judge.

 

Today has been a hard day.

 

That's perfectly normal.

 

Just live one day at a time. Let the river of time flow and all things shall pass.

[murphomatic]

Thanks you guys ... I just wish time would move faster, or that it wouldn't hurt so much .. or that I would have some understanding of WHY this all happened the way it did ..

 

... or I wish I could just get those portions of my memory erased - like in the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." It's so hard to move on in my life when I'm stuck remembering her and the life I once had with her. I can't even look at another woman yet...let alone think about it.

 

I'm still so confused and I still bawl on a regular basis. I'll be driving down the road and see something simple and stupid, and just cut loose. I feel emotionally frazzled and exhausted....and I wish it would just go away.

[karnak]

 

... or I wish I could just get those portions of my memory erased - like in the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." It's so hard to move on in my life when I'm stuck remembering her and the life I once had with her. I can't even look at another woman yet...let alone think about it.

 

 

Take things slowly.

 

Interesting that you mentioned the movie "Eternal Sunshine". If you remember the movie correctly, one of the movie's lessons is that if you try to erase the past you're probably doomed to repeat it (remember the story of the doctor and the nurse?)

 

Even if this has been a painful experience for you, it will teach you valuable lessons, if you're willing to accept them. Lessons about your own nature and the nature of other people. You'll learn how to better distinguish decent folks from not so decent ones. And you'll learn to have even more respect for those who are decent and kind.

 

If you take a look around some of the infidelity section of LS you'll come across plenty of people whose life is hell because they're trying to force themselves to stay in unhealthy relationships with cheating partners who don't love them and who never will. These people are bashing their head against the wall and killing themselves because they're trying to fix that which isn't fixable.

 

That is not your case anymore, Murph. You came out of your bad marriage stonger. Now you know that you're not a guy who allows himself to be walked on. Now you know for sure that you're a man with principles and dignity. And you know you won't accept less than what you deserve.

 

Those are valuable lessons, Murph. Lessons that will prove very useful for the rest of your life.

 

Let trash settle with trash. You deserve better in life. And you'll get it. Because you know you deserve it.

[murphomatic]

You're right, karnak. Right now, this is painful ... right now, it's consuming so much of my world. But I will come out of this stronger, with more self-respect, and be more knowledgeable about who does and doesn't deserve the good things I have to offer.

 

I have come to realize that I didn't do something wrong that made her stop loving me. She never loved me in the first place, so there wasn't anything there that I could've broken or messed up. I think she looked to me to possibly save her, that if she could find a good guy who would love and support her, she would end her cycle of insanity and settle down with him, and eventually grow to love him. But she wasn't interested in putting in the effort and the work on her end to achieve that goal - she looked to me to do all of it, and when it wasn't working from her perspective, she went back to her old patterns of cheating and deception....and was happy enough to let me keep paying the bills. She just went back to being a parasite.

 

When I spoke to her last, I felt compelled to let her know that she was "almost out of time." I don't know why - but I feel like the clock is ticking down on her. She's 35 now and I sense that she's almost in too deep to ever fix the things that are broken in her head. And the kids are very close to being damaged permanently themselves by her actions. She told her brother yesterday that everything she's doing currently, she's doing for the sake of the kids ... which didn't make any sense to him or me because what she has done has been to cut the kids off from me entirely, and to continue bouncing around the country screwing her boyfriend on the last few dollars to her name. Doesn't seem like those choices are very focused on the kids at all. I don't even know how she can deceive herself into believing that....but she has, and would like others to believe it as well.

 

Anyway - thank you for what you said. I'm trying to keep the hope alive here in believing that I will come out of this much better and stronger than I went in, and that will contribute to me eventually building a solid life with someone who is willing to stand beside me and look in the same direction.

 

I deserve that much.

[karnak]

And the kids are very close to being damaged permanently themselves by her actions. She told her brother yesterday that everything she's doing currently, she's doing for the sake of the kids ... which didn't make any sense to him or me because what she has done has been to cut the kids off from me entirely, and to continue bouncing around the country screwing her boyfriend on the last few dollars to her name. Doesn't seem like those choices are very focused on the kids at all.

 

Personally I believe her kids will come out of this OK.

 

They're probably different from her. They don't have the same brain patterns. And they have other people in their life who tehy can look up to.

 

Throughout my life I've known people who came out of broken and destroyed homes and they managed to create a stable and loving family life of their own.

And I've known men and women, who were raised by kind and loving parents, yet when in their adult lives, decided to create a life of hell and suffering for themselves and their families.

 

Don't believe that people who come from an instable background are more prone to chaos and misery than others. Very bright lights have emerged from within pitch black darkness.

 

Life has taught me that much. And I thank the universe for it.

 

So, live a good and prosper live. With the hope that one day you'll be able to hug her children once again and show them just how decent you are.

[murphomatic]

This is true - I shouldn't say that they're destined for problems. I am very concerned for her daughter - who is mimicking her mom's behavior when it comes to lying and manipulation - even when it proves to be detrimental to her in the long run.

 

There are many examples - she lies about small things, like brushing her teeth before bed, and then she lies about larger things such as the $20 she magically appeared with one evening (gave me a story that she earned it at a garage sale her bio-dad put on where she sold some of her toys, and then convinced me to take her to the store so she could buy some other toys, etc. The real story that came out later was that she stole it out of her mom's purse).

 

She lies about her schoolwork and watches her mom lie for her about her school work. Example: she's in 4th grade, but reads at a 2nd grade level. Her teacher has assigned her 100 minutes a week of "extra" reading at home. She's supposed to log what she reads and for how many minutes every night. Most of time, my wife would sit her down in front of the television with a book that our daughter wouldn't read - of course because she watched the TV instead. The reading log wouldn't be filled out because neither of them were responsible enough to do it, and honestly - my daughter didn't read anything when she was watching TV. At the end of the week, when the reading log was due to be turned in, my wife would just fill it out in the minutes before our daughter got on the bus, and sign off on it - while our daughter watched. Soon, our daughter was filling it out this way and one day she brought the log for me to sign. I noticed that the book she had referenced on it was a very advanced book on weather patterns that she couldn't possibly read (isentropic density and potential vorticity? .. Um - no). I refused to sign the sheet and she got in trouble at school. I got in trouble with my wife later for it.

 

There was a week when my wife was in Hawaii running the Maui Marathon last September. That week, I sat with our daughter, TV off, and had her read to me. That was a week when her reading improved dramatically. I tried to help other weeks, but my wife always "had it under control."

 

Her son is very honest, does well in school and is generally a good kid. He's very closed off emotionally, and when things bother him, he is as tight-lipped about it as it gets. I worry that he's going to explode some day.

 

I guess it will be a wait-and-see kind of thing. And someday, yes - I hope to hug them and I hope that they learn I am a decent guy who fought for them. I hope that they learn the things that their mom is telling them about me now were never true.

Edited July 29, 2013 by murphomatic

[dichotomy]

The kids will remember you.

 

I hope the divorce goes ok, and their are no major surprises or shocks from her lawyer.

 

Keep updating us, lots of us are thinking about you and wishing the best for you.

[murphomatic]

Thanks Dichotomy. This forum and the quality of people in it never ceases to amaze me. Your sentiment and well wishes are appreciated more than I could ever express.

 

It's good to know that people care...even people who have never met me.

 

I will keep this thread updated as things unfold. She needs to reply to my petition by 8/7 or default judgement goes I'm my favor.

[murphomatic]

She responded to my divorce petition.. she wants me to pay $16,000 on credit cards, $1500 month cash to her for 6 months. No visitation for me and the kids. Her story is that she quit her job at my encouragement, has no college education, and has to raise 2 kids by herself now.

 

Needless to say - I'm beside myself. Since July of 2011, I gave her approximately $125,000 in checks.

 

My reward for being a loving, supportive and loyal husband and dad.

[turnera]

You DO have a lawyer, right? Let him handle it, without emotion.

[murphomatic]

Yes.. I have a lawyer. She's a pitbull.

[BetrayedH]

You DO have a lawyer, right? Let him handle it, without emotion.

 

Agreed.

 

And keep in mind, this is the early part where the attorneys operate under the assumption that you don't get what you don't ask for.

[dichotomy]

Yes.. I have a lawyer. She's a pitbull.

 

Female pit-bull lawyers are the best! Hired two of them in the past with great results.

 

Also having money for an expensive one, and the ability to keep paying the lawyer to work on this, appeal, deny, file new suits - puts you at an advantage over you soon to be ex who has limited resources to pay hers.

[murphomatic]

Interestingly enough, she submitted her response as self-prepared...even though she has been telling people she has a lawyer.

 

Even now...she still can't be honest.

 

Shocking. I know.

 

My lawyer comes highly recommended, and she definitely isn't cheap..! Vs. Her self-representing, she might as well attempt to perform brain surgery on herself.

 

Bows and arrows against the lightning, I'm afraid.

[karnak]

She responded to my divorce petition.. she wants me to pay $16,000 on credit cards, $1500 month cash to her for 6 months. No visitation for me and the kids. Her story is that she quit her job at my encouragement, has no college education, and has to raise 2 kids by herself now.

 

Needless to say - I'm beside myself. Since July of 2011, I gave her approximately $125,000 in checks.

 

My reward for being a loving, supportive and loyal husband and dad.

 

Unfortunately I too know all too well how it is to give everything to someone and being stabbed in the back and spat on. A horrible and disgusting feeling.

 

Time to teach her a lesson, it seems.

[murphomatic]

So lots has happened. Of note, two things:

 

1. She has told the kids (and the kids' friends - which is how it got back to me) that I "forced her to quit her job, financially screwed her over, then abandoned the family and didn't want anything to do with them anymore." So that's why the kids don't talk to me or respond to my texts any longer (and why my daughter stated in her last text to me that she didn't want to talk to me anymore).

 

2. She has completely cut communication with me - refuses to work with me on cleaning up things like 2011 and 2012 tax returns, and demanded that I not contact her ever again. In a completely out-of-the-blue and unprompted text message, she states "Please do not contact me or the kids in any fashion from this day forward. Thank you."

 

That's nice and all .. but we're still married, and there are things that need to be dealt with like adults.

 

My attorney didn't think her position of no-contact was very appropriate and promptly gave her the smack-down. She has been court-ordered into mediation with me regarding visitation with the kids, and advised that if she doesn't produce the necessary tax documents by 8/20, we will file a motion with the court, subpoena the docs, and then hold her accountable for all my attorney fees in this case. My attorney also thoroughly chastised her for damaging her children by simply terminating a relationship with a positive role model that has bonded with them over the last few years..and how discussion with the children about her perceived issues in our case only hurts them more.

 

We have mediation set for 9/9. If mediation fails, our case goes to trial. The preliminary hearing is set for 10/30, and then our final divorce trial is set for 12/2.

 

The striking thing here is that 12/2 back in 2010 - was the day of our first date ever.

 

Wow...

[dichotomy]

I am so sorry, but I knew she would turn the kids against you - YOU are the one responsible for their pain, not HER - right ? No accountability for her!

 

But I am also glad you got a pit-bull attorney who is giving her the smack down. A female one is great. Sounds like she has it covered. I can only suggest she also ask for court appointed child counseling - to try to turn these kids heads straight back on. This is a non uncommon request with biokids and divorces – to get independent counseling to work with the kids. Works to counter parents from manipulating them against another parent. I believe some agreements (and this is for custody) include anti-disparge (spell?) agreements. But this is a special situation - exerting too many parental rights may net you responsibilties as well and they are not yours legally.

Edited August 14, 2013 by dichotomy