I'm So Destroyed

[Spark1111]

We've been married for only 18 months. For 12 months of that, she's been unemployed and a stay-at-home mom.

 

Just never got around to putting my name on the mortgage I guess. I get a paycheck every month into my personal account and write her a check for the bills .. and she pays the mortgage and others.

 

The house is upside down in value right now, so can't say that I'd want my name on it anyway. She bought it years before I knew her, and bought it at its highest possible price before the housing market took a nose-dive.

 

ok...so today, take a friend and start packing up your stuff. You need a nice, sunny apartment some where near work and some fun nightlife. The first of the month is around the corner...start looking TODAY. Call a REALTOR.

 

You dodged a bullet with NOT having your name put on the mortgage....Whew!

 

I'd be gone as soon as possible and I would REALLY TRY not to have ANY CONTACT whatsoever with her. No forwarding address, nothing. Block her and her friends from contacting you on FB.

 

it will save you pain, of being played, manipulated.....for MONEY.

 

I would also change YOUR FB status to....Hoping to be single soon.

 

Need an apartment immediately in the blank vicinity. Anyone? HELP?

[dichotomy]

No doubt in addition to giving him her best sexual performance - she was bad mouthing what a lousy husband you were (while you were paying her mortgage and caring for her kids).

 

I suspect your wife will shortly be panicking about support....and reach out ...remind her since OM is getting her goodies - he can pay for her bills.

 

I am so sorry for her kids. I know you love them. She is accountable for all this not you. No guilt.

[Realist3]

Right, wrong, or indifferent I would have left if I'd been her. I'm not a believer in outing to the world. The parties closest fair enough but not something like FB. If I'd outed my xH when he cheated I would have expected him to consider that the end from me and be mad enough at me to want to end it too. I'm not a big believer in airing dirty laundry like that. As everyone has said she has consequences to her actions and so do you.

 

Having said all that don't mistake my thoughts. I agree with the posters that say you should toss her aside and end things. You're at a better point than if you wait years and have a whole lifetime invested with her and it happens again.

 

I really agree with this post.

 

I really believe that the relationship is between the two people, and possibly the third person, not for the whole world so witness.

 

All you are doing is making a very terrible situation even worse.

 

If my wife did that to me, there wouldn't even be a discussion about reconciliation.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

My condolences to what you've been going through! Many people here have given you great advice, and it's good to see you're seeking legal aid etc. before making any rash decisions that could backfire. I'd also recommend you read other threads on this site (including the "Separation and divorce" part of the forum, because there are great many people who have been admirable in how they have handled such situations!).

 

So my best wishes to you&kids, and I also hope that someday your (hopefully soon to be ex) wife will realize what she's done, grow as a person and rebuild/maintain a healthy relationship with the kids as their mother.

 

A couple of questions/suggestions:

- what is your legal relationship with the kids? have you adopted them?

- how old are they (maybe I missed their ages in your posts)?

- can you afford and have you considered counselling for yourself?

- can you afford and have you considered counselling for the kids?

- do you have good support from your friends&family?

 

Best wishes to all of you!

[Calvin's wagon]

P.S.:

 

I think that you posting that on facebook might have been a blessing in disguise and will help you protect yourself, because it will make her harder, or hopefully impossible, for her to try to manipulate you firstly into 1.) not revealing this to anyone, thus cutting of your support network and 2.) then trying to manipulate you into a false/meaningless reconciliation with sweeping all this under the rug etc.

 

Such cheating is a form of abuse, both emotional and physical (there were STDs mentioned IIRC), it should not be kept behind closed doors. You&the kids need all the help you can get, and hopefully this will eventually also "force" her to get the help she needs for herself.

 

And her reaction and the reaction of her friends who have focused on what you supposedly did "wrong", instead of thinking about how she could ever try to mend the hurt she's caused, shows you exactly how f-ed up their thinking etc. is at the moment.

 

(Of course, I don't know the exact content of what you've written and what the local laws are, so I'm not sure what, if any, are the legal ramifications of the Scarlet letter. But aside from that, I think it will be good for you.)

[firemanq]

I feel for the OP, but the ones who will suffer the most damage are the children, again. They are the truly innocent ones. It would be a kindness if you could stay in their lives.

[oldshirt]

See how quick single guy dumps her when she is homeless.

 

He wont even wait untill she is homeless. He'll dump her the moment she starts wanting him to step up to the plate to help her and the kids.

 

He was banging a married woman because she didn't want anything from him besides his d!ck. The moment she wants a shoulder to cry on or someone to pick one of the kids up from school or someone to help with the electric bill he will drop her in a split second. Play'ahs like married women because all they want from them is poontang. The moment they are single and want more than some d!ck the play'ah is outta there.

 

I am serious about this - pack up all the house bills, gather up her dirty laundry and stanky running shorts and socks off the floor and pack up the calender of all of the kids sports and activities and take them to his house and hand it all to him and tell him you are heading of to Vegas for some fun this weekend.

 

He will have her deleted and blocked from his phone and FB before you even finish pulling out of the driveway.

[oldshirt]

I feel for the OP, but the ones who will suffer the most damage are the children, again. They are the truly innocent ones. It would be a kindness if you could stay in their lives.

 

He has been played as a fool and was manipulated into becoming a surrogate parent and bill payer fraudulently and under false pretenses. He was a chump and the mark of a con woman.

 

She was never in love with him nor sexually attracted to him. She wanted someone to pay bills and take care of the kids while she blew and wrapped her heads around fitness buffs.

 

The kids are unfortunately the colateral damage from this slut but the faster and cleaner he can break from this scam, the better off he will be.

 

Its time for her to grow up and step up to the plate as a parent.

[oldshirt]

Read the entire thread, "CAUGHT WIFE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH BEST FRIENDS HUSBAND" by Bryanp37.

 

Bryan provides a great template and blueprint on how to deal with this. You are even in a much better position to walk away without any entanglements as you are not named on the deed of the house or have any children by her.

[murphomatic]

Unfortunately we're on the west coast...and he lives on the east coast...so as much as I'd like to drop her **** in his driveway..I can't. She could just bang him when I bought the plane tickets.

 

As for the kids, they're 10 and 14, and I was wanting to adopt the boy (different bio-dad than the 10y/o girl .. girl's dad is in the picture enough to not relinquish paternal rights, but boy's dad is mia). Anyway never adopted.

Edited June 12, 2013 by murphomatic

[Spark1111]

I really agree with this post.

 

I really believe that the relationship is between the two people, and possibly the third person, not for the whole world so witness.

 

All you are doing is making a very terrible situation even worse.

 

If my wife did that to me, there wouldn't even be a discussion about reconciliation.

 

well, you would....

 

the mistake you make is in believing the whole world thinks like you.

 

they don't.

 

we've had couch burnings, car smashing, mass emails to the entire address book, informing the boss, the other BS, and purposely boffing the MOM's wife.....to name a few incidents.

 

who says a BS, devasted by the discovery of an affair, wants to reconcile at all?

 

you presume A LOT.

 

OUT of our minds with grief and devastation, are thoughts initially turn to revenge, disclosure, and finding support.

[Calvin's wagon]

Murph, what kind of a relationship do you want to have with the kids once you get divorced?

[aliveagain]

Check with a lawyer before you decide to leave, she is unemployed with children, your probably still going to be on the hook for some kind of support. You probably dodged a bullet with the mortgage but a judge may rule differently because there are children involved. If you leave she may say you abandoned them as you are the sole provider. Are you in a no fault state? Does OM live in a state that allows you to sue for infidelity? Please protect yourself, check with a lawyer first.

[Realist3]

well, you would....

 

the mistake you make is in believing the whole world thinks like you.

 

they don't.

 

we've had couch burnings, car smashing, mass emails to the entire address book, informing the boss, the other BS, and purposely boffing the MOM's wife.....to name a few incidents.

 

who says a BS, devasted by the discovery of an affair, wants to reconcile at all?

 

you presume A LOT.

 

OUT of our minds with grief and devastation, are thoughts initially turn to revenge, disclosure, and finding support.

 

 

 

And likewise you assume you think people think lie you.

 

There are many ways to end an affair and exact revenge, some much better than others. All I said was that the outing in front of the world was not a good idea and would most assuredly end the relationship for good.

 

If someone asked me of shooting their WS between the eyes with a gun I would tell them that is a very bad idea. They would end the affair and get their revenge, but it is not the best ideas.

 

 

OUT of our minds with grief and devastation, are thoughts initially turn to revenge, disclosure,

 

Exactly the state of mind that someone should not be making rash decisions that could impact the rest of their lives.

 

 

And it makes no difference if they want to reconcile or not. Exposing that on FB makes them(BS) look like a bigger fool than they already might. If they didn't look like one before they sure do now.

Edited June 12, 2013 by Realist3

[TaraMaiden]

Guys - this isn't about you two. Discuss this in PM's. Right now, the OP needs to see support, not bickering.

[GorillaTheater]

Just Let Them Go

[Bryanp]

Married only 18 months and she has been cheating on you for quite a while. This says it all. Get tested for STD's, move on and never look back.

[Realist3]

As for the kids, they're 10 and 14, and I was wanting to adopt the boy (different bio-dad than the 10y/o girl .. girl's dad is in the picture enough to not relinquish paternal rights, but boy's dad is mia). Anyway never adopted.

 

 

I think you should move on. This woman obviously has a bad track record. She is not going to change.

[jnel921]

I really agree with this post.

 

I really believe that the relationship is between the two people, and possibly the third person, not for the whole world so witness.

 

All you are doing is making a very terrible situation even worse.

 

If my wife did that to me, there wouldn't even be a discussion about reconciliation.

 

Because I have been through this twice in two different marriages I have to agree about discretion.

 

My first M and his infidelity was known by all. There were a lot of opinions and advice. A lot of it wasn't nice and I wasn't the one who cheated, so I completely understand where the OP is coming from.

 

When this happened 8 months ago in my second M I obviously took a different approach. I only discussed it with the parties involved and my MC.

 

No family, friends, coworkers or anyone else. I made the choice to reconcile with my H and the only judgment that matters is my own.

 

So I lived and learned. Because you outed her there may be no turning back. It is humiliating and from her response you can tell she really doesn't care about how you feel. Only how she looks to the world. That is her issue.

 

You need to forget about what you were doing for her and her situation and worry about you. I agree with everyone else that you need to get things in order to prepare you.

 

She made a hurtful choice. She will realize that what she did will affect her life. Her OM hasn't promised to take your place and who knows if he even wants to pick up a single woman and two kids. You are a great person for doing this. That is one of the reasons I considered R with my H as he is not my children's dad but has raised them for the last 10 years. They love him dearly and would have been deeply hurt if they knew the truth.

 

I did not want to destroy their image of him. I know the truth and that is good enough for only me to know and deal with. When I need support I come here and have been for many years.

 

You are not alone. We are here for you!

[Try]

She actually had the nerve to say by me doing that, it would reduce our ability to reconcile.

What a load of bull****. She cheated on you and is setting conditions on you for reconciliation. She is not remorseful at all. Reconciliation without true remorse is false reconciliation as she will cheat again. The early years of a marriage are suppose to be the best years of the marriage, that helps bind you together during later years. Her cheating in only the first 18 months, and not acting remorseful, does not bode well for your marriage long term. The fact is she married you to pay the bills and care for her children, which allows her to not have to hold a job as she leaves you with her children while she regularly travels on her own to visit her affair partner. To her you are just a meal ticket that babysits. She is using you.

 

You need out of this marraige before the cost of divorce goes higher. At 18 months there will be little alimony. The longer that you stay married where she does not hold a job, the more alimony she will be able to collect from you when you eventually do divorce. At 10 years of marraige the alimony will be for life, even if you divorce her because you have proof that she is sleeping with guys in every city that she travels too. Although you treat the children like your own, they are not legally yours so there will be no court ordered child support unless she convinces you to adopt them (never do this). With that in mind, after divorce you can have a nonbinding understanding that if you are allowed by her to have regular visitation rights, you would help her with the children both in care and financially, but it would always be your call as to how much.

 

There is someone out there that will not cheat on you and will love your for who you are. She will give you your own children and be a good mate. You need to find this women and not waste anymore time with your current cheating wife. She is not good wife material. To her you will only be remembered as husband number 2 (she treats you like number 2). Do not stay married to this cheater for so long that you will owe alimony that will rob money from what should go to your future children and wife. It will kill you to be telling your future children that you cannot give them something because you are mailing the money to your cheating ex-wife.

Edited June 13, 2013 by Try

[2sure]

She married you for a reason . She may have lved you, but that wasn't her reason.

 

She might have thought you would change her life.

She wanted a dad for her kids.

She wanted to stop working.

 

My x married me because he loved me. More importantly to him however, he married me because he thought I was the right type of woman with the right look and right connections to further his career. Love wasn't enough, I couldn't fix him.

[BeholdtheMan]

I am so sorry for her kids. I know you love them. She is accountable for all this not you. No guilt.

This is a very important point.

 

You're filing for divorce but she ended this marriage by cheating. Please remind yourself that this woman has been using you for money while betraying your love. She is not worth your tears. She's been badmouthing you to her friends while you pay her mortgage and care for her kids. She's reptilian.

 

For me, reconciliation would be an impossibility, especially because of her attempt to make you feel guilty for venting on Facebook. Your wife is extremely selfish and treating you as financial support. Cut her off now.

[Spark1111]

I ALWAYS counsel wait and see....you do not have to decide anything today...take your time to decide, etc.

 

In YOUR case, I do not.

 

I believe she saw you coming a mile away. You became her meal ticket to have the 20s she never had, and she did not respect you.

 

She only attaches emotionally to men who abuse her, like daddy and the x did. That is how she perceives love.

 

You did not cause this. You cannot control this. And you cannot fix this.

 

This woman will NEVER respect you because you are not mean and abusive to her. THAT is how she FEELS love.

 

You sound like an incredibly nice, caring, devoted guy. healthy, stable women would kill for a guy like you.

 

Move on. Cut your losses. keep in touch with those kids if you can without causing yourself any additional pain.

 

You are going to be fine.

 

When the waterworks slow down, you have only one question to deal with in IC: WHY were you attracted to saving damaged goods? WHY did that empower you to have a relationship and marry a woman with so many red flags?

 

The answer to that question will set you free to find, love and cherish someone who appreciates you for you.

 

Good luck! get going!

[2sunny]

I'd put the post back up on her FB page. She did it - just state her evidence...that's truth.

 

Post her nasty pics too, she wasn't embarrassed to send them to him - so show them to all her friends on her page.

 

Fair since she's trying to blame you for her bad behavior. Not cool - so give her consequences with her own information.

[Chi townD]

The OM is a single swing-d!ck. No GF on his side except my wife. How I wish I could out him to someone...and that it would hurt.

 

 

 

How old is he? If he's young in his early to mid twenties, find out who his folks are and tell them. I'm sure mom will be really pleased to hear that she raised her son to sleep with married women.

 

It also puts a strain on their relationship if they try to make a go of it. Mom and Dad will have a hard time accepting their relationship knowing that she's a married woman.