I'm So Destroyed

[Steen719]

nah, go outside and burn it. that was specifically left there to shame you.

 

have a print out of her emails and messages to her OM? Forward that to friends and family....HERS. And leave it on the kitchen table.

 

I did. No way was I going to be continued to be cast as the villian in this nonsense.

 

Murph, you need to find your anger and use it to galvanize yourself into action...

 

KEEP REPEATING...I did nothing wrong....SHE DID.

 

UGH...lost my post

YES, YES, YES, do the above in bold.

She is so manipulative. Refusing to accept responsibility for what she has done. I am continually amazed by how cheaters can blame everyone but themselves. You would think after going through this crap and reading about it, I would have learned there are no surprises with this.

Get a recorder and keep it near. I really think she is the type to file false charges. I am serious.

Good luck...do what the attorney says; don't try to be a nice guy.

[Jonah]

Her friends are advising her to file a poli restraining order against me..

 

OH GOD WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?! /TEARS/

 

Your not destroyed. You are free! woo hoo! A year from now you'll look back and realize that she was a pos the whole time. My ex got a restraining order too. today I could a sweep her off her feet without even trying. But nobody wants a woman that's been around the world. Give it time. You will win.

[wifehurtheart]

People, myself included, have done far worse than momentarily disclosing an affair on FB. Look, the fact is that she took this risk when she engaged in the affair. If she doesn't acknowledge that it's completely HER fault that this all happened, then she is not truly remorseful and you have nothing to work with. I haven't heard one iota of her remorse in any of your posts. This trip is yet one more demonstration that she doesn't value this marriage. Trying to forgive her now is what we call 'cheap forgiveness' around here and if you keep it up, you will die a slow death of a thousand small cuts.

 

Keep going with the steps you've listed. As well, look up the '180' and start doing it.

 

I couldn't agree more. I first forgave (or thought I had forgiven) my wife a few weeks after D-day, but as time went on I had this persistent feeling that I had actually forgiven her in word only. It wasn't for another several months, after hours and days and months of talking (and yes, yelling, crying....you name it), on a day when she and I had an incredibly long, quiet and loving conversation, that I finally came to realize in my heart the pain she felt over what she had done and the level of her commitment to reconciling. If you are even considering R, and I doubt that I would be if I was you, but I'm not you, your attempts are not going anywhere if she is not truly remorseful. I haven't seen any signs in your posts of remorse on your WS's part, and as BH said, if that's the case you have nothing to work with. Sorry for your pain.

Edited June 15, 2013 by wifehurtheart

[dichotomy]

Her friends are advising her to file a police report and restraining order against me..

 

OH GOD WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?! /TEARS/

 

 

Murphomatic,

 

I want to repeat something I have said here before. I went through a betrayal and loss in my first marriage. Do you hear me - I get it. Crying to my wife, driving up to her office to stalk her, depressed, tears, feeling worthless, what did I do to deserve this, the whole works. Therapy for two f'ing years - tons antidepressant and anti-crazy drugs which did nothing but make me fat AND depressed. I would not even think of dating for two years.

 

By the end of this 2.5 years of mental emotional BS - what then REALLY depressed me - made me ANGRY - was that I was a pussy, that I wasted my time and energy on these feeling of weakness, worthlessness, needing her, and self blame and woe is me. What did I loose ? A crazy bitch who could not love. 2.5 years (okay give me 6 months) - 2 years I could have been out dating, having fun, meeting great gals who would adore me, jump me, pursuing my life and frankly focusing the blame on my ex-wife and forgetting her.

 

2 years I lost - because of me - not her.

 

And since were are on the topic of kids - I wanted to be a dad badly. No kids in first marriage. I divorced when middle aged. Because I could not suck it up and move on, and push it all on my ex - I did not get out there and date and start my search. I did finally get married and had a Step and one bio kid, but I almost missed it because I was stuck in my own misery and self focus.

 

Learn from me please. You are worthwhile, valuable, and deserve a good woman, and to be a dad again. It can happen but you need to MAKE it happen - focus and don't take too long here. Stand up to this bitch, fight back, take no **** from her friends or family. Fight for yourself! When you find yourself getting sad - get mad instead.

Edited June 15, 2013 by dichotomy

[BeholdtheMan]

Her friends are advising her to file a police report and restraining order against me..

 

OH GOD WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?! /TEARS/

You need to man up now, not break down...

 

Collapsing into a weak gelatinous heap will only make it easier for your wife to manipulate you. Iron balls my friend, time to grow them. Your wife is being a remorseless b*tch. I think it's time for you to take off the kid gloves and show her that you won't tolerate disrespect.

 

Remember, no one respects a doormat.

[Steadfast]

Hard as it sounds, you must leave. I know it is heartbreaking in terms of both her and the children that you love...but there is no other option. Trust me; you can remain in their lives. You can promise them now and there might be some doubt (given your wife's history of cold-hearted actions, trying to turn them against you is a card I suspect she'll play) but you showing them your commitment to remain in their lives over the next few months will prove your love and concern for them. Actions speak louder.

 

Key element: Do not respond to anything she says about you. Either directly, or second-hand through the kids. Listen to it, process it, then move on like it was never spoken. When she sees that she can no longer get a reaction from you, she'll stop shoveling. There will be no point.

 

If it's any consolation, you've passed through the worst of it. That is, if you gather your belongings and leave now. There is no sense in staying. You are not and can not help it by being there...under her heel. Move out.

[macy]

And likewise you assume you think people think lie you.

 

There are many ways to end an affair and exact revenge, some much better than others. All I said was that the outing in front of the world was not a good idea and would most assuredly end the relationship for good.

 

If someone asked me of shooting their WS between the eyes with a gun I would tell them that is a very bad idea. They would end the affair and get their revenge, but it is not the best ideas.

 

 

 

 

Exactly the state of mind that someone should not be making rash decisions that could impact the rest of their lives.

 

 

And it makes no difference if they want to reconcile or not. Exposing that on FB makes them(BS) look like a bigger fool than they already might. If they didn't look like one before they sure do now.

The difference is...some see it as "revenge" while others, like me, see it as a deeply hurt, emotionally destroyed, man who in a moment of weakness and despair made a choice and posted it on FB. Right or wrong isn't for anyone else to decide. He has my deepest sympathy and understanding. It may be hard for her to face her consequences regarding her CHOICE to cheat but tough cookies. IMO

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I've read all these pages and there is no doubt what she did is inexcusable, but there seems to be missing components on your side. Her friends have all lined up against you. Your wife seems so numb and uncaring she went off to run another marathon. You two haven't even really had it out from all the posts I've read. Your spouse is so checked out that in this crucial time she just up and left.

 

Your posts too seem short, curt and offer no real insight. While you have gone above and beyond in terms of supporting her, her kids and her "hobby" financially, not sure what you have done as a husband.

 

Sorry to be blunt but there is little you have told us.....

[murphomatic]

I've read all these pages and there is no doubt what she did is inexcusable, but there seems to be missing components on your side. Her friends have all lined up against you. Your wife seems so numb and uncaring she went off to run another marathon. You two haven't even really had it out from all the posts I've read. Your spouse is so checked out that in this crucial time she just up and left.

 

Your posts too seem short, curt and offer no real insight. While you have gone above and beyond in terms of supporting her, her kids and her "hobby" financially, not sure what you have done as a husband.

 

Sorry to be blunt but there is little you have told us.....

You're right - this is an absolutely fair post. I know that watching this from the outside, there appears to be a lot of untold story here, and if I were in your shoes - I'd wonder the same thing.

 

But let me qualify a couple of your points: Not all of her friends have lined up against me, actually very few. The majority of her friends and family have done nothing but offer me support.

 

She did up and leave to run another marathon this weekend, yes ... but I think she also needed to get away from the problem to think a bit. Her family and I advised her that her priorities were likely REALLY screwed up to do this at this point in time, but she stated she needed to think - and she also added that since this is the 3rd year in a row that she's run the SanFran marathon, there is a special medal and recognition for those people. So - just from that statement there, you can tell how out-of touch and emotionally detached she is from this whole situation.. And exactly how selfish she is. I'm just kind of at a loss for why.

 

My posts have been pretty short lately yes.. they're mostly typed through tears on a *****ty cell phone keyboard as I've been moving my stuff out of the house.

 

And I've done so much more than just support the family and the hobby financially. I've been a GOOD dad to those kids. I've been a loving and supportive husband to her; I've emotionally supported the family with my whole heart and in every way that defines me as a person.

 

I came to this forum to seek some 3rd party perspective, some objective advice. In turn and in knowing that objective advice only truly comes from objective information, I've tried to see through my biases as much as possible when writing anything here or expressing my emotions. I know you all are wondering what 100% of the story is, and I'm not going to try to reveal everything in a neutral, narrated way - I simply can't because it's my life that has unraveled before my very eyes in the short span from 9:30 PDT on Tuesday until now.

 

Anyway - I know there is wonder and disbelief. I honestly share it with you.

Edited June 16, 2013 by murphomatic

[macy]

I came to this forum to seek some 3rd party perspective, some objective advice. In turn and in knowing that objective advice only truly comes from objective information, I've tried to see through my biases as much as possible when writing anything here or expressing my emotions. I know you all are wondering what 100% of the story is, and I'm not going to try to reveal everything in a neutral, narrated way - I simply can't because it's my life that has unraveled before my very eyes in the short span from 9:30 PDT on Tuesday until now.

 

Anyway - I know there is wonder and disbelief. I honestly share it with you.

 

Completely understand this and get it! As a teacher we have a saying... "We are all looking out of the bus from our own window". Hang in there! Stay strong. She'll regret her disgusting behavior and hopefully by the time this happens you'll be wiser and stronger. You sound like a good man with a good head on your shoulders. Keep that head high and looking forward.

[2sunny]

You are paying for time away to flirt and have sex with others... Stop paying!

 

Move money into your name only.

 

She wants to go - she can earn that money herself!

[murphomatic]

Finally packed up the rest of my stuff. What a way to spend Father's day. Little of me remains in the house ... a few hollow things that may remind them of me.

 

It's time to move on, time to get goin'

What lies ahead I have no way of knowin'

But under my feet baby, the grass is grown'

Yeah, it's time to move on. Time to get goin'

 

My most heart-felt thank you to everyone on this forum for your advice and support. You're a truly priceless community of people, and I can't express my gratitude enough.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

This is just the beginning. Get out and re-group. You ay forgive and she may breakdown and be back. But the first step is to clear your head, no more tears and stay strong.

 

Best of luck.

[BetrayedH]

This is just the beginning. Get out and re-group. You ay forgive and she may breakdown and be back. But the first step is to clear your head, no more tears and stay strong.

 

Best of luck.

 

I agree that this may well just be the beginning.

 

I suggest you keep coming back for that objective 3rd party counsel, murph. Or perhaps you'll be back giving the counsel.

 

For what it's worth, you showed great strength in moving out. As much as we might all recommend it, it's tremendously difficult to do. Now you can approach this from a healthier and more balanced position. You've established her behavior as unacceptable and following up on it shows that you respect yourself. And if she wants you to come home, she'll have to fight for you.

[Chi townD]

Her friends are advising her to file a police report and restraining order against me..

 

OH GOD WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?! /TEARS/

 

 

LOL! Really? On what grounds? Not defamation of character. She could file under that if what you posted on there is false information. But, what you wrote was the truth. So, you didn't break any laws. And since you moved out, no one is going to award her a restraining order when the accused has already left the premises of his own free will.

 

Her friends are talking out their asses.

[dichotomy]

Finally packed up the rest of my stuff. What a way to spend Father's day. Little of me remains in the house ... a few hollow things that may remind them of me.

 

It's time to move on, time to get goin'

What lies ahead I have no way of knowin'

But under my feet baby, the grass is grown'

Yeah, it's time to move on. Time to get goin'

 

My most heart-felt thank you to everyone on this forum for your advice and support. You're a truly priceless community of people, and I can't express my gratitude enough.

 

First steps - good for you. Eat right, get exercise, get some counseling, get out and involved with people, maybe find a box set of your favorite movies or TV shows to keep your mind of things in the evenings, buy some clothes, and plan for whats next for you.

 

but.... Its not over yet. Divorce court is next, expect and prepare for the worst, hope for the best with any legal issues. What do I mean "the worst" allegations of abuse, requests for child or wife support, requests for temporarily cash support, accusations throught her family and friends, and so on.

 

One last thing - another lesson learned form from my divorcce. My ex-wife cheated on me. Her parents we very kind to me for several weeks and several months after - they actually apologized to me (she did not). They took me out for a lunch or dinner here and there - but blood is thicker than water, and soon that ended. While they were sorry for what she did - she was family and after the divorce (with no kids) I was history. Sad to loose them as Mom and Father in law, but there was no point for them or me to continue to have a connection and discuss their daughter. You will probably need to move on from them soon as well - you need to break from it all to heal. As for the kids - I know you love the kids - but that will tie you to her, her control and emotional games.

Edited June 17, 2013 by dichotomy

[murphomatic]

Thanks Dichotomy. I'm about 1.5 hours way from meeting with the attorney regarding next steps. I have a counselor lined up for a week from today. My struggle now is that I feel so completely worthless. That I must really be a true piece of garbage that even my cheating wife doesn't want to reconcile or find a way through this, despite the fact that I've offered that to her.

[murphomatic]

LOL! Really? On what grounds? Not defamation of character. She could file under that if what you posted on there is false information. But, what you wrote was the truth. So, you didn't break any laws. And since you moved out, no one is going to award her a restraining order when the accused has already left the premises of his own free will.

 

Her friends are talking out their asses.

I think she lies to her friends about me. The few that are advising her to do this must thing I'm a real monster. Now that I think about this, I think the one advising her to do this is likely her uncle. This guy hates me as he was living with her when she and I met, and when we married, he had to move out of the house. I took away his home and his role a a surrogate father to her and the kids. It's likely he's pumping her head full of crap to kick me back out as well....and - well... it worked.

 

This uncle actually thinks her affair was justified because she needed an "out" in what he described as a "relationship with deeper running issues" to my wife's brother (which he told me about).

 

I am truly beside myself at how other people can have an opinion on things, and just turn it into fact when it's completely BS in the first place.

[Janesays]

Thanks Dichotomy. I'm about 1.5 hours way from meeting with the attorney regarding next steps. I have a counselor lined up for a week from today. My struggle now is that I feel so completely worthless. That I must really be a true piece of garbage that even my cheating wife doesn't want to reconcile or find a way through this, despite the fact that I've offered that to her.

 

Try not to think of it that way. Try to think of what she's doing as a kindness. If you reconciled, you'd still be in a lonely, unsatisfying marriage to someone who has no concept of empathy, loyalty, or love. The very best thing she can do for you right now is to keep being a major btch, which will ultimately make it easier for you to move on.

 

You'll find something better and you'll look back and your only regret was that she didn't do this sooner. Because you've never been happier now that she's gone and you've met your TRUE soul mate, who I truly believe is out there waiting for you. Don't make her wait longer than she has too.

 

And keep listening to that Wildflowers CD. It's a good one!

[aliveagain]

Friend,

 

People that have affairs and want to justify their affair only seek out responses from those they know will support them. What those people think isn't worth the breath it takes them to speak the words. Like attract like, she will drop all those that oppose her affair. She is no different than any other cheater who has her head that far up her ass. Her family and marriage falling apart is worth less than the piece of scrap metal they are giving her just to show up for the race, doesn't even matter if she finishes. Don't waste one more second on someone like that, prepare yourself, get the legal advice you need so you can stop financing her affair. You don't lose your dignity because someone tricked you and deceived you, but you do because your a cheater and a liar. Stay strong.

[dichotomy]

Thanks Dichotomy. I'm about 1.5 hours way from meeting with the attorney regarding next steps. I have a counselor lined up for a week from today. My struggle now is that I feel so completely worthless. That I must really be a true piece of garbage that even my cheating wife doesn't want to reconcile or find a way through this, despite the fact that I've offered that to her.

 

All normal. I had worth and esteem issues like you would not believe. I am done with that now.

 

Please no more offers to this woman for anything. I suspect in a year or two you will feel ashamed you offered this to this woman, and were not more firm and strong. But heck, I did it too. Just trying to help.

 

Also take this as a chance to grow, try, and learn new things. Expand your self. You say you like to run a bit too? Try strength training or martial arts instead. Read the latest guides on sex, dating and relationships... Try some new clothes or looks, Volunteer in your community.....grow try new things and new ways of thinking about yourself, and relationships. Try some different ways of being and acting for fun. If nothing else you may wish to examine your reasons for choosing to marry this woman, and what you will do differently next time.

[karnak]

If nothing else you may wish to examine your reasons for choosing to marry this woman, and what you will do differently next time.

 

Very important.

[BeholdtheMan]

Thanks Dichotomy. I'm about 1.5 hours way from meeting with the attorney regarding next steps. I have a counselor lined up for a week from today. My struggle now is that I feel so completely worthless. That I must really be a true piece of garbage that even my cheating wife doesn't want to reconcile or find a way through this, despite the fact that I've offered that to her.

You have very low self-esteem. Sad fact of life is...if you act weak, people will likely take advantage of you, especially shameless manipulators such as your wife

 

You need to start building confidence. Your goal now is to become a confident man.

 

I'll let you in on a secret. Your wife's refusal to reconcile is a blessing in disguise. Had she agreed, you would've been back to your weak, clingy doormat ways.

 

Do not reconcile with this woman. She has zero respect for you.

[murphomatic]

Once upon a time I was confident and self respecting. I met a girl in a green dress in a coffee shop, and we talked for hours.

 

Somewhere along the way I lost myself. If I hadn't, these events would've never happened. I would still have my family.

[karnak]

Once upon a time I was confident and self respecting. I met a girl in a green dress in a coffee shop, and we talked for hours.

 

Somewhere along the way I lost myself. If I hadn't, these events would've never happened. I would still have my family.

 

Don't beat yourself about it, man.

 

Nowadays, stories like yours are the common deal. Not only in the States but everywhere across the globe.

 

In the old days Infidelity was regarded as a crime, so to speak. That meant that most "wannabee cheaters" thought a couple of times before acting upon their whims. Or they just hide it better.

Nowadays, infidelity has become so common that society doesn't pay a great deal of attention to it. Meaning that cheaters are free to wreack havoc without suffering consequences.

 

Has humanity changed for the worst?

Not really, it's just that "opportunity creates the thief". If homicide stopped being a crime you may be sure that we'd see a lot of corpses on the street everyday.