Is he really leaving her for me?

[Barby]

Who's sitting on their precious throne??? I think you were out of line for calling these people who've tried to help jerks. You look like the jerk being so rude.

You don't know their stories, all they are doing is giving advice that SHE asked for based on their experience or POV. Plain and simple.

 

 

Oh yeah I was being rude when I said:

(that SHE is in the wrong as well as him, they deserve each other for being deceitful and dishonest).

But put the rest of the post with it. I said:

They refrained from being mean and telling her what she really needs to hear

 

And who the F#ck are you to judge? Why are you even on this site, because you're an "innocent victim" who just happened to fall on his d*ck?

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

I am not an OW nor would I EVER be! I'm on here merely because it was a new thread and I read it and was appalled by YOUR response!

 

I'll give you another fairy tale story that really happened--Once upon a time, there was a woman, married to a man who was verbally abusive and mean. He insulted the way she looked, everything she did, made fun of her hair, was rude to all her friends, isolated her from her family. Tortured her cat, sat at home smoking pot for three and a half years straight while she worked full-time and went to college full-time. She stayed because she was insecure and had met him at age 18 and had grown up in an abusive household and did not realize that there were men out there who would treat her better.

 

She met a man, at the age of 29, and became his friend. This man treated her better, much better. This man was her husband's friend.

 

Her husband got what HE deserved. He was not an "innocent" victim. Eventually she left the jerk, like she should have done years ago.

 

Yes, what goes around comes around.

 

Sounds like it's you, and I'm sorry for this sad soul. Two wrongs don't make a right. "She" should have left her husband who didn't make her happy then pursue someone else. How hard is that? So yes down the line she will get what she has coming....

 

BTW I respect all my fellow posters...I don't want to "judge" anyone...and would have only had kind words for this poster had it not been for the uncalled for comments about my fellow posters!

 

 

So to the original poster.....if it works out, great I'm happy for you and hope he doesn't do this to you in the future.

 

If you're feeling guilty chances are you feel (know) it's wrong and maybe you should re-consider being with him. Maybe you should as said before put the relationship on hold, stay friends with him and see if he follows through on his word.

 

Whatever you do I'm sure you'll make the right choice for YOU!

[Naive]

Originally posted by crowdreamer

Keeping it real...hmmm....so telling her that MM's wife is just an innocent victim is "keeping it real"? Saying "he'll never leave" is keeping it real? What gives you the all-seeing psychic abilities to know that for sure?

 

I never said any of the things you just stated above. I never said his wife is an innocent victim, but she may be! I never said I knew any of this for sure and I definitely am not psychic I think that people have to hear the good and the bad we cannot fool ourselves that everything in life is just ever so great!

 

 

I'm not any more out of line than some of the people on here who have said, "He's just playing you" or "You're a homewrecker" or "He's using his wife" or made broad sweeping statements about men in general. It isn't helpful to CONCLUDE that someone is going to do something or attack his character, or her character.

 

If you think that the comments people are making are bad why do you make the same judgmental remarks against them? I would never accuse her or anyone of being a home-wrecker or anything of this sort because I have been in this same situation. I just feel she should be aware of what the outcomes can be. At least I can say I did not say anything out of line.

 

Keeping it real does not have to mean all doom and gloom and "He's an @sshole just playing both sides of the fence and the best thing for all involved is for you to leave." That is not true in all situations, but you all are telling her it is.

 

I'm just trying to present her with all sides of it.

 

You're right it does not mean all doom and gloom, but it's not all roses either. All I can do is giver her my experience as help and let someone else give their opinion and/or experience, that is what this forum is for or am i mistaken? I really do see you trying to present her with all sides.

 

Chill out.

[crowdreamer]

I don't see any black and white judgement, and I challenge you to point it out.

 

 

The following were things were said in THIS thread:

 

MM usually say what you want to hear.

 

Everyone is such an expert. Judgments about all MM here.

 

If he's so unhappy, and meant for you, instead, then he'll make it happen

 

Foregone conclusions about his actions--i.e. if he doesn't leave immediately he's not unhappy and he's not meant for you. When did she say he wasn't making it happen?

 

Anything less will be a disaster for you.

 

More foregone conclusions about what will happen, as if there has NEVER been an exception. (BTW, for exceptions go to TOW site and you will see some).

 

You are already living with yourself for being part of the break up that is causing this innocent woman and child pain

 

How do YOU know the relationship wasn't dead before she met him? That he wasn't planning on leaving anyway? "Innocent victim" would imply that she did nothing to contribute to the break-up of the marriage...

 

Hello? Judgment!

 

I am not an OW nor would I EVER be! I'm on here merely because it was a new thread and I read it and was appalled by YOUR response!

 

Then you have no good reason to be commenting. This forum is for people who are "the other man/woman", and if you already have decided affairs are wrong, how can you possibly say you are not casting judgments on other people already?

 

I never said any of the things you just stated above. I never said his wife is an innocent victim, but she may be!

 

I was not directing my criticism of that comment at you.

 

If you think that the comments people are making are bad why do you make the same judgmental remarks against them?

 

Just giving back. If they can't take it, they shouldn't dish it out.

 

You're right it does not mean all doom and gloom, but it's not all roses either. All I can do is giver her my experience as help and let someone else give their opinion and/or experience, that is what this forum is for or am i mistaken?

 

Yes, it is not all roses, it is very difficult being TOW even in the best of circumstances. And you personally did not post anything out of line. I am just sick of people saying unhelpful things--since I've been on here most of what I've heard is "They never leave" and "Your MM is lying" and "You are a homewrecker". If you go to my thread, you will see. After I posted that my MM's wife wrote checks out of closed accounts (which is a CRIME people), I had someone comment that "He writes bad checks too, I'm sure."

 

Now, if I told someone my married person was a WOMAN who was being beaten and her husband was an alcoholic, do you think it would be helpful to say, "Oh, I'm sure she does the same to him."

 

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, people do not JUST get into affairs because they want sex. They fall in love. When you make horrible conclusions about someone's MM, you are bashing the person they LOVE. That hurts.

 

I understand if people want to share their own experiences, but what I have read over and over again is that "Because my MM did this, so will yours." It's not always that way.

[Naive]

I understand if people want to share their own experiences, but what I have read over and over again is that "Because my MM did this, so will yours." It's not always that way.

 

I totally agree with you on that one.

 

Because my relationship blew up on my face does not mean it will on hers or yours or because your relationship went great it does not mean mine is or hers is going to be great. That's exactly why all we can do is post from personal experience and hope for the best.

[Barby]

Then you have no good reason to be commenting. This forum is for people who are "the other man/woman", and if you already have decided affairs are wrong, how can you possibly say you are not casting judgments on other people already?

 

 

Who are YOU to say? No where, I repeat NO WHERE in the guidelines say you have to be an "OW" or "OM" to come here, read threads, and comment. Yes affairs are wrong in my opinion but that doesn't mean I can't try and help someone who's in one, either ease some pain, help them see they are either wrong or right, or just give my opinion which clearly she was seeking opinions in this thread.

 

So if you wish to be a mod and change the rules then good luck to you, but until then you have 0% authority to say who may post here and who may not.

 

Thanks for the utmost entertaining responses :lmao:

 

Obviously things people say you only have one perception...you see it as "attacks" or as them swearing "they know for sure" which hasn't been stated here. Open your mind a bit and realize these are opinions only, not facts. OPINIONS wrong or right!

[crowdreamer]

No where, I repeat NO WHERE in the guidelines say you have to be an "OW" or "OM" to come here, read threads, and comment.

 

Yeah, and nowhere did I say you *couldn't* be on here, I said you have no "good" reason to be here. If you want to help people being cheated on, there is a different thread for that.

 

Having not been in my situation, I don't see how you could possibly help me with with your judgments. I have my mind open--apparently you don't. You have your mind made up already that affairs are wrong.

 

It's kind of like being a Christian and going on a forum for Muslims and telling them they are going to hell. I don't appreciate it.

[Barby]

well I never gave YOU advice, and hearing this I never would. Which I know is what you'd want. You want someone to say "hey you're doing what's right" like everyone should only worry about themselves???!!

 

In the end you do have to do what's right for you but in an affair it doesn't only affect one person or the two there is at least 3 and in her case actually 4 people this is going to affect. I'm not trying to help someone who's been cheated on. That is not what this forum is about.

 

"ow" can post here all they want, some people will agree with them and tell them what they want to hear, and then some won't. Some of us will tell them the truth about what we think, just because we don't think (well I don't think) it's ok to sleep with someone who you know is involved with someone else and chances are the "w" has no clue the "h" is cheating...doesn't mean we're (or I'm) not qualified or able to give helpful advice to a "ow" hurting.

 

I have compassion and can empathize with someone even if they knowingly put themselves in the situation and shouldn't be suprised by the outcome; I still can understand that they're in pain and should do what it takes to end that pain so they no longer have to suffer.

 

Not only in this forum but that goes for all subjects in all forums..you are awful sensitive to this subject even though I never said she HAD to leave him or that SHE was a "sleaze" or anything. I disagree with affairs for any reason but with this said I don't always think women who have affairs get what they deserve. Some are hurt without provocation but I don't think it's okay to say "oh poor you it shouldn't have happened even though you knew he was a cheater you couldn't have known it would happen to you, poor you poor you"

 

So I try and be tactful and give advice based on individual situations instead of based on my personal view of affairs...you didn't say I COULDN"T be on here but you're attempting to make it seem like I SHOULDN'T be on here and sorry you won't "shame" me or anything into not giving advice...I won't advise you because clearly you don't want that and for that I'll respect if I ever see a post of your's I'll keep my POV out of it but overall you have no say and thank goodness for that!!

[Papillon]

Cowdreamer...

 

Currently, I'm drunk. Currently, You're a self-righteous prick.

 

Tomorrow I'll be sober, and you'll still be a self-righteous prick.

 

 

So there.

[Papillon]

Nobody say a word about my name-calling hypocrisy.

 

Not a word! Shhhh!

[DazednConfused]

:lmao: :lmao:

 

Ah Pap, i was trying to think of a good way to say that..... thanks!

[SadAndLonely]

Escapology,

 

Don't get involved with him until he's divorced and that divorce is finalized. Please. Don't do it to yourself. He can change his mind at any time, go back to his wife, and never move out. Or, if he moves out, he may move back in. This situation is complicated by the fact that he has a very young child. Please do your best to stay out of it. Focus on yourself, move on, and if he really loves you, ask him to show you the divorce papers.

 

Crowdreamer,

 

People are getting frustrated with you because you're coming across as very defensive and almost shrill (for not being able to read tone). No one can tell anyone else what they should post. You explained your story, defended your man, and are now angry because people are advising you to be extremely cautious. I've been reading these boards for a long time now, and in almost every MM/OW story I see the same elements:

 

1. The wife is some horrid person or did something really bad, but the husband didn't do anything really wrong.

2. THIS MM is "different" from all the others.

3. THIS MM "really means it" when he says he's moved out, will get a divorce, etc.

4. THIS extra-marital affair (and that's what it is if he's still married) will end up differently.

5. The OW is really smart and really knows what's going on.

 

I swear to God, that's the standard formula. And 99% of the time things do NOT work out. I'm not going to say it won't in your case, nor will I defend the wife. However, I also doubt your man is as innocent as he says. All I'd like to tell you is to be careful. Don't assume or believe ANYTHING he says until you see proof. You may be a divorce attorney, but you can still be lied to, and men can still change their minds.

[Mone']

I left for a minute and came back and **** you guys are like eating each other apart. I hope that I did'nt start this with my " happy life" I know what I'm doing isn't so right and obviously the person who's married knows he definately isn't but the truth of the matter is it's happening!! It's out htere and unfortunately always will be. I don't refer to anyone on here as jerks or pricks, but I do believe that the words that are thrown around are hurtfull ones. Now I know that I did'nt ask my MM to cheat on his wife, nor did I stop him.

 

My point is we all know what we are doing is not right but we feel the way we feel and things are the way they are for a reason. Must a mm stay in a marriage even if he's unhappy? He's then too living a lie. sooner or later he would leave with or without a mistress. I guess having someone else made it a little easier. I don't believe anyone of us are doctors and know the true answers to any of these stories nad if there are any doctors on here, let me know and maybe I'll take head to what is said.

[Naive]

Barby,

 

I don't think you are being judgmental. You gave me advice on a similar topic not so long ago and you told it how it is in a smart and helpful way. At least I thank you for that.

 

When I first came on her, about 7 months ago, I was in a relationship with a MM and I received a lot of bashing as well as some women who had been or were in the same situation as me who were behind me. And then there were the ones that told me things how they really were without sugarcoating things, but still not being mean or rude, they helped me open my eyes. When I posted I knew that there were going to be some posts that could be mean, but you have to know that when you post you can't expect everyone to see your point of view or see everything your way. The whole point of posting, at least for me, is to see all points of view. If you see advice that you think is helpful you take it with you and if not you keep on reading and leave it behind, simple as that.

[Mone']

I definately agree !!!!!!!! Thanx for the advice.

[Barby]

Barby,

 

I don't think you are being judgmental. You gave me advice on a similar topic not so long ago and you told it how it is in a smart and helpful way. At least I thank you for that.

 

Thanks, exactly what I'm trying to say. I don't judge anyone who's in this situation but I try the best I can to see why they're hurting and see where it's coming from so that I can advise them (IMHO) what they can do to maybe not further the torment.

 

Obviously escapology isn't "proud" of what she's doing, if anything it seems maybe she is having second thoughts and wants opinions on what she should do??!!

 

This is everything I want because I do love him too, but I am terrified. We are best friends and I do not want to lose that.

 

Even though I love him and he is moving towards divorce how do I live with myself knowing that his W will hate me and he will always be in a relationship with her because of their daughter. I have never been married. I don't want to be resented or resent him.

 

Am I fooling myself that this could work?

 

This says a LOT! Yes she loves him BUT realizes more than just herself and him are involved, I dunno but it sounds like she'd be better off stopping this for now at least seeing where things go.

 

I'm glad you see where i'm coming from naive and I hope you're doing well also!

 

Now I'm sure being an "OW" or an ex "OW" is very hard, just as hard or maybe more so than being in a one on one relationship because when another woman is involved you have to wonder what THEY are doing, what THEY are talking about. If you are the ONLY "OW" in his life, and if what he's telling you, maybe he's telling her the exact same thing....things to me just seem like they would be way to stressful and difficult to be an "OW" and I wish no woman would put themselves in such an emotionally dangerous place...but for those who do I try and advise them the best I can without being hurtful or too demeaning because no one deserves that but I guess my words are taken in different concepts depending on who's reading them and the situation they're in.

[Naive]

Originally posted by SadAndLonely

 

1. The wife is some horrid person or did something really bad, but the husband didn't do anything really wrong.

2. THIS MM is "different" from all the others.

3. THIS MM "really means it" when he says he's moved out, will get a divorce, etc.

4. THIS extra-marital affair (and that's what it is if he's still married) will end up differently.

5. The OW is really smart and really knows what's going on.

 

You made a great point. Just like a lot of OW/OM complain that other people always say that it's not going to work out and they always look at it negative, OW say the above statements and you don't see us complaining about them always making up excuses. Someone can easily get upset because they make it sound so great when they don't see it that way. How can these people get mad at others because they say what they think when they also make comments that to others may be annoying. I think that the ones that get mad is because they are not sure of what they are doing and need reassurance. I don't know if this came out clear, but it's so hard to find the right words in a topic like this one.

[stormywind]

I think people in this section need to keep a really open mind--more so than elsewhere.

 

I've seen threads where the other persons situation is really listened to as an individual situation.

But I've also seen where a person's situation is treated like just any other OW scenario--as if it's a standard formula.

I think when you do the latter (as an automatic response), it takes something away from what the OP is trying to get here---answers, opinions (on THEIR particular situation), etc.....

 

 

I'm not saying people should sugar-coat things or lie to the person but sometimes it seems to me that some posters jump right in without really seeing the person's situation individually.

[SadAndLonely]

I think that each situation should be looked at individually, but when a LOT of the SAME THINGS are said, and that person is FIERCELY trying to say that his/her situation is automatically different, it's hard to believe. What I'd prefer is for the OW/OM to say, "Look, I know my situation sounds just like everyone else's (in some variant or another), but I'd really just like to vent and get some support." I think that would go a lot further.

[crowdreamer]

I've seen threads where the other persons situation is really listened to as an individual situation.

But I've also seen where a person's situation is treated like just any other OW scenario--as if it's a standard formula.

I think when you do the latter (as an automatic response), it takes something away from what the OP is trying to get here---answers, opinions (on THEIR particular situation), etc.....

 

 

I'm not saying people should sugar-coat things or lie to the person but sometimes it seems to me that some posters jump right in without really seeing the person's situation individually

 

My point EXACTLY. And when someone comes on here for advice and says they already know the chances are slim, that things are risky, etc. etc., it does not help that person to for someone to make some blanket statement that "they never leave, and if they do they will just move on".

 

And I would like to know where exactly I said that everything was going to be rosy? Did I EVER say that? No--my gripes are with the way people reply, not with their concerns. It doesn't have to be that way--I have been on websites where people are way more polite.

 

But I give up. You win, Janice Joplin...oops, I mean Barby. I'm the bad guy here. Nobody has a problem with the fact that you are telling everyone on here they are wrong for having an affair. You are all bad people and liars, remember that!

 

I'll stop posting now, but I'll be back to gloat following my wedding reception, where me and my MM will have sung "Who has the last laugh now?"

 

And if that doesn't happen, you can bet I won't be on here to humble myself to y'all.

[Papillon]

*YAWN*

 

 

Really have to get to bed now.

[Barby]

Originally posted by Papillon

*YAWN*

 

 

Thanks exactly what I would say! Hahaha!

But I give up. You win, Janice Joplin...oops, I mean Barby. I'm the bad guy here. Nobody has a problem with the fact that you are telling everyone on here they are wrong for having an affair. You are all bad people and liars, remember that!

 

Thanks but I NEVER said that, you're too funny! I think affairs are wrong YOU must think

they are wrong for having an affair. You are all bad people and liars, remember that!

 

You're hilarious! Thanks a million for making me laugh at something so dumb! I NEVER said or implied that you were liars or bad people! You need to chill and learn to read what things say instead of trying to recreate what you think they might mean!

[escapology2]

Wow. Okay, let me clarify some things and comment on some posts. First, I welcome comments from anyone. My intention in starting this thread was to recieve advice from people, whether they agree with my situation or not. I have never posted anything on a thread before and I had no idea this would cause a frenzy. I did it because I do not know anyone in a situation like mine and speaking to friends and some family members is not easy because they have not been through it either.

 

To Mone, Tabatha and Crowdreamer: Thank you for your comments and sharing your sitautions. I do wish the best for all of you and hope you receive what you want.

 

To Barby: I do agree with some of what you said. I know that I am causing hurt, however I did not bust in and break up a happy marriage. Not that that is any justification. You stated that you are not and never will be an OW. Ask me five months ago and I would have said the same thing, heck I might have even been as passionate about it as you, but now I am here now.

 

 

I am not picturing absolute bliss in this relationship. I am not with him because I couldn't find a single man or needed someone to be with. I fell in love with him and maybe I shouldn't have let it go any father then friendship but we did. I know what I am facing and it is not something that I would have chosen for myself. Regarding the argument over his W being innocent: I am not one to judge her or what she contributed to the marriage being unhappy. I do have a part in it, as does he, and I am sure she has a part too, but he is not "leaving her for me." Maybe I made his move happen a little sooner than it would have but it would have. How do I know, you ask? Because if you remember my original post, I do work with him and know a lot of his closest friends who have assured me of that fact. And to those who stated that I should end it until I see "papers" - I have contemplated that several times and I am unsure of what to do. He is moving out in a matter of days and I wonder what the point of holding off would be now if I didn't do it before.

 

I am not happy about my situation, but I am very happy to have him in my life.

[escapology]

Wow. Okay, let me please clarily some things after reading all the replies. First of all, this is my first time ever posting anything on a thread and I never expected such a heated discussion. I welcome everyone's comments, obviously I didn't expect everyone to be happy for me. My sole intention in starting this thread was to ask for advice from people who had been going / are going through this, or at the very least have some understanding.

 

To Tabatha, Mone and Crowdreamer: Thank you for your comments. I wish all of you the best and hope you receive everything that you want in your relationships.

 

To Barby: I do agree with you on a couple points. You stated that I am contributing to the breakup of a family and that I am not decent. I own up to my role in this situation, however I did not bust in and break up a happy marriage. They had not been happy for a long time, and no I am not using that as justification. You also stated that you are not and never would be an OW. Well, ask me the same question five months ago and I would be as adamant as you are. I would never have thought I would be in this situation, but I am.

 

In response to some other comments from people: I am in no way picturing absolute bliss in this relationship. I am also not with him because I can't find a single man or because I needed to have someone. I am with him because I fell in love with him and he fell in love with me and maybe I should have stopped it right away, but we didn't and I have to deal with the present. About his wife being innocent: I don't feel I can judge exactly what her role is in contributing to the marriage being unhappy. I take responsibility for my actions, as does he, and yes I am sure she has some part in them being unhappy. He is not "leaving her for me" as I titled this post. How do I know? Because if you remember we work together and he was going to move out anyway before me and I know that because some of his closest friends work with us and they have verified that. Maybe he is leaving a little sooner than he planned. Some of you said that I should be friends with him until the "papers" are signed. How do you go backwards? If he is moving out in days and we had a relationship while he was still at home, why would I do that now. I have asked him several times if he needs space and he doesn't want it.

 

I am not exactly happy that I am in this situation, but I am happy that he is in my life.

[izzybelle]

escapology, nicely put. although my situation didn't have a happy ending many of the same points you made about your relationship, feelings, etc. ring true. and if you had asked me last year if i would have ever become involved with an MM, my answer would have been, absolutely, positively, no way in he**.

 

even now knowing what i know, i can't bring myself to say that it would never, ever happen again. have i learned from my mistakes? painfully, yes. will i try everything i can to avoid situations like that in the future? dam* straight i will! but i've learned enough in life to never say never about who you might fall in love with! yes we can avoid, but we can't always help who we care about. we can control our actions and i don't know that i could bring myself to have a physical relationship with someone who's married, my heart's not so easy to control.

 

best of luck to you!!!!!

[confusedkat]

I just joined this forum and the is this marriage over.

 

I can understand both sides to this conversation. I can tell you that I am in a marriage that is very rocky and uncertain right now. I also have two yound children. Basically the decision is mine if I want to make it work. The reason I am jumping into this conversation is because I have a very close friend that I work with...single guy. He had become my emotional support over the past 6 months. I turned to him for emotional intimacy over my husband...nothing physical, though. To make a long and painful story short, my marriage has been in trouble for awhile, and while that is no reflection on my close friend, who has fallen in love with me, and I fear I may have fallen in love with him...my friend decided to do the noble thing and sto being my crutch. IN order for me to make a clear and right decision, I needed to have him out of the picture. The pain and loss I feel are incredible. And yes, the problems existed before him, the problems we demanding a decision anyway, but I don't know that any decision can be made with a clear conciencse if there is a third party involved. I also would never say never to a situation. God knows my emotional relationship with the friend I work with is completely unorthodox and very out of charachter for me, but it sounds like you are in a very dangerous territory. I would only advise that you take care of yourself and be very careful when gettign in the middle of the marital difficulties. The pain my friend and I are going through, leaving each other emotional, is horrible. But it really is the right thing to do. Good luck! I hope all works out for you. Only you know what is right for you!