Helly Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Please help. My bf lies about stupid things - he seems to be ashamed/guilty about how he spent his day/ where he went with his friends and lies rather than admit the truth. I'm worried now because I don't know if he can stop lying. He has nothing to be ashamed about and shouldn't feel that he needs to hide stuff from me. I make it clear that I'm not perfect, that I do stuff that isn't always the best thing to do and I accept responsibility when I do stupid stuff. He seems to prefer to lie and pretend nothing has happened. It's starting to worry me! We're both grown ups (30 + 32) and have been together 2 years but this w/end he called me to say he was meeting a friend after work. At some point in the eve, he met up with a different friend, went clubbing all night, arrived home at breakfast time with the friend, should have gone to work but appears to have spent the day out getting drunk with this friend. We usually text/ phone each other all the time to let each other know where we are but this w/end he didn't even text to let me know he'd be home really late/in the morning. No big deal just a bit inconsiderate... but when he arrived home last night, he told me, drunkenly, what a great day he'd had at work and who he'd met for a few quiet drinks the previous evening. It was obvious that he'd he'd been clubbing the previous eve 'cos of the way he'd arrived home at breakfast time with the the club entry-tag bracelet still on his wrist. I gave him the chance to explain all about where he'd been (we both like great clubs and I expected him to tell me what a great night he'd had at the club and how he'd felt so ill this morning that he didn't go to work) but he told me how he'd just been for a few quiet drinks... I told him that I was worried about his lying... He acted really offended and asked what I thought he was lying about... I asked him which club he'd got the bracelet from and he said "oh, yeah, we went to [name] club" - a really big deal of a club night! Why would he not have mentioned it before? It was hardly just "a few quiet drinks with friends"! I also asked why he was trying to hide the fact that he was drunk now (he gone into the bathroom and spent ages washing and rinsing his mouth!) He said he wasn't trying to hide it... He was soooo drunk, it was like he'd been partying all day but it's not for me to question whether he'd been to work that day - I wish he would just admit stuff instead of trying to hide it... I can understand that maybe he feels a bit foolish for getting so drunk, missing work etc but I'm just worried about his silly lies!! Should I just walk away now? He's been behaving like this every now and then during our two years together p.s. I don't suspect he's having an affair or anything like that - we adore each other! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Could he possibly have a drinking problem that is getting out of control. If so, and he's embarrassed about it, that could be a reason for the lies. Does he lie habitually about anything else? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helly Posted October 11, 2004 Author Share Posted October 11, 2004 It's mostly to do with money - he seems to lie when he's been spending money. We're not in a great financial situation at the mo but it's the lying that worries me. And I think he has "self-destruct" tendancies which make him anxious about doing stuff that he thinks he shouldn't do/ that he can't afford to do and then he feels guilty afterwards, so lies. I don't think he has a drink problem - no more than any other sociable Englishman - and, because of our financial situation, we go for weeks at a time without drinking at all (no going out for a drink/ having wine with dinner). Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Are his parent's alcoholics?? My husband spent his childhood having to tell lies because of his parent's.....it became a normal way of life for him and it's still scary how easy it can be for him to lie if he ever does.... I wouldn't think of marrying this man till he gets a grip on it. Plus, he may not be "purposely cheating" but if he gets terribly intoxicated.....how does he know?? Does he club or go out ALOT without you?? Going out with the boys is one thing...."clubbing" and being intoxicated with females dancing around is another... The lies may seem silly but if it's habitual, it's a BIG problem coming from somewhere.... If the person you love can't tell you the truth then what kind of relationship is this?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helly Posted October 11, 2004 Author Share Posted October 11, 2004 Thank you. Yes, his dad was (and still is) chronically alcoholic - really, really badly. I can see that my bf's lying is habitual but I don't know how to help him sort it out - I feel like I can't help him anymore... Any advice, anyone? I don't feel threatened by th e fact that he might get close to other females when he is out without me - I trust his faithfulness. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Originally posted by Helly Thank you. Yes, his dad was (and still is) chronically alcoholic - really, really badly. I can see that my bf's lying is habitual but I don't know how to help him sort it out - I feel like I can't help him anymore... Any advice, anyone? I don't feel threatened by th e fact that he might get close to other females when he is out without me - I trust his faithfulness. You can't help him. He needs professional help. He'll need to see a therapist. There are some good books that he can read about Adult Children of Alcoholics. But he isn't going to change or get help IF he doesn't think he has a problem.....in there lies the problem... If he is really drunk he could lack the judgement NOT to cheat....plus how can you trust anything he says if he will lie about such silly little things.... You title already shows that you are taking a motherly role (I did the same with my hubby) and that is going to get old for you both. It will get to the point you will be his prison warden because you never know where he's truly been or what he's truly been doing or what in the world even is the truth anymore.... You're feelings of trust that seem strong now are going to eventually where thin after catching him in lie after lie.....don't settle for this in your relationship....he's got to shape up or ship out!! He's a grown up and he needs to be accountable for his actions..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helly Posted October 11, 2004 Author Share Posted October 11, 2004 Oh, Vivian Lee! You're hitting the nail on the head! what happened with your husband? My bf and I will see each other this evening when we each get home from work - we HAVE to discuss what went on at the weekend but I don't know whether to find out what was going through his head, explain again why I worry when he lies or whether to tell him to pack his bags... I know that sounds harsh... The reason I'm worried about his lying is because it undermines the rest of our relationship. When he lies, it feels as if he thinks I'm his mother/ nagging girlfriend who'll be angry if he's done something wrong. I actually told him to "Grow up!" last night - the first time, I've ever said that to him. I know that alot of this behaviour is a pesonal problem of his that he has to sort out on his own. I feel that I really understand what's going on with him when he behaves/ lies like this but it has got to the stage where I'm starting to think that I owe it to myself to walk away from this situation now... I'm also angry at the friend he went out with. I don't have much respect for the guy (another reason why my bf was reluctant to let me know he was going to a club with the guy) and sometimes feel that he's jealous that my bf has such a nice relationship with me. He will love it if my bf "gets a hard time from the girlfriend (me)" I'm sure he'll love to have his buddy back as a free-agent so they can drown their sorrows together... Argh. How do you deal with you partner's not-so-nice-friends? Maybe that should be another thread... Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 I'm in agreement with Vivian on EVERYTHING she said here. Further, fiscal irresponsibility shows a lack of maturity. He's unable to prioritize in a mature way. If he's not willing to grow-up, you'll always be 'Wendy' to his 'Peter Pan'. You can't control other people, not with any real degree of success anyway, so there's not much you can do about his friends. The good news here is that when/if he does develop some maturity, these friends will not appeal to him anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Originally posted by Helly Oh, Vivian Lee! You're hitting the nail on the head! what happened with your husband? My bf and I will see each other this evening when we each get home from work - we HAVE to discuss what went on at the weekend but I don't know whether to find out what was going through his head, explain again why I worry when he lies or whether to tell him to pack his bags... I know that sounds harsh... The reason I'm worried about his lying is because it undermines the rest of our relationship. When he lies, it feels as if he thinks I'm his mother/ nagging girlfriend who'll be angry if he's done something wrong. I actually told him to "Grow up!" last night - the first time, I've ever said that to him. I know that alot of this behaviour is a pesonal problem of his that he has to sort out on his own. I feel that I really understand what's going on with him when he behaves/ lies like this but it has got to the stage where I'm starting to think that I owe it to myself to walk away from this situation now... I'm also angry at the friend he went out with. I don't have much respect for the guy (another reason why my bf was reluctant to let me know he was going to a club with the guy) and sometimes feel that he's jealous that my bf has such a nice relationship with me. He will love it if my bf "gets a hard time from the girlfriend (me)" I'm sure he'll love to have his buddy back as a free-agent so they can drown their sorrows together... Argh. How do you deal with you partner's not-so-nice-friends? Maybe that should be another thread... Well.....we weren't as lucky as you....you are realizing this before you marry. I didn't realize it till I had a child and had been married for a while. I would just put it out of my mind but I hated never having complete trust.... It came to the point I was his mother and prison warden. He in turn became co-dependent (he still lied and made wrong choices) but he started basing his actions and moods on what he thought I would want him to feel...which becomes SCREWED UP!! Eventually, after his affair, a 5 month separation and therapy. He came to grips on a good bit of it. But I still don't and may never trust him 100%. He doesn't so much lie as much as he now just "leaves out" information (know what I mean?)......I will say, I haven't caught him in a lie in a year or so and I haven't caught in him a "leave out information" in about 5 months.....but again, I doubt as long as I live with him will I ever truly trust that what he is saying is the total truth..... About friends....you may want to start a thread about that. I haven't had that problem in my relationship and marriage..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helly Posted October 11, 2004 Author Share Posted October 11, 2004 Yes Ladyjane, my bf does comment on how boring that particular friend can be and does seem to have outgrown him alot of the time. I suppose I need to lay it on the line tonight but will that be pressurizing my bf? and just make him worse? I just wish I knew the right way to deal with this - without looking like a doormat and without making my bf feel like he's got a major psycological problem... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helly Posted October 11, 2004 Author Share Posted October 11, 2004 VL - it sounds like you're working things out. I know what you mean about the "leaving things out" kind of lying. Aah! Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Originally posted by Helly Yes Ladyjane, my bf does comment on how boring that particular friend can be and does seem to have outgrown him alot of the time. I suppose I need to lay it on the line tonight but will that be pressurizing my bf? and just make him worse? I just wish I knew the right way to deal with this - without looking like a doormat and without making my bf feel like he's got a major psycological problem... When you have a major "sit down" a male (especially if your relationship is kinda "bad boy and mama") is going to think "oh great" however, this isn't all about him. It's about you and your heart. Tell him what you have basically told us and how it makes you feel and what you want to change. Tell him what steps may be taken to change (therapy or whatever) or instead of saying YOU need counseling, suggest "couples counseling" that way he won't feel like you are cornering him WITH his problem and that way he can still get help. He needs to know this is not a behavior you plan to deal with and live with for the rest of your life and that if things don't change or if he isn't interested in some changes (like therapy or counseling) you feel the need to separate. Make sure you tell him all the things you love about him first and how much you love him before you tell him what hurts and what you aren't happy with....you can put it in a way that it's not only about what you want and need but something good for him..... The main thing is, you know there is a problem, you have an idea what it is, you know what can be done and you know despite the fact you love him, you aren't going to settle for this to be the theme of your relationship!! Let us know how it goes!! Good luck and God Bless!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helly Posted October 11, 2004 Author Share Posted October 11, 2004 Thank you, VL!! That's EXACTLY what I have to do tonight. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 a lot about your situation sounds so familiar, and it's so so difficult to deal with. my exH has a chronic lying problem and it had a major impact on the success of our marriage. not because he was lying about things like affairs but it just got to the point where i didn't know what to believe if anything. at first when we were dating it was a big "joke" that his version of reality was different. as time went on and we had kids, it became less than amusing. the stories he told his friends about things varied depending on who he was talking to and i got tired of keeping track of which version of which stories which people knew. he just said he was exaggerating....it wasn't exaggerating it was lying. my kids see it now and have caught him in more lies than i can count. and it's hard for me to try to raise them to not do the same! they see it all the time, they know it's wrong but dad gets away with the sh*t. he also has refused to grow up. i'll never forget when we'd only been married for a few years he'd always take money out of my purse for "lunch." i didn't care, it was our money so i told him he didn't even need to ask. then one day when i was cleaning the closet i found an envelope with almost $100 in it, that said "guitar fund" on it. he'd been taking the money and stashing it. how he was going to explain the new guitar was beyond me! be careful, the lies can become a real problem. some people just can't seem to tell the truth about things. they convince themselves that what they're saying is the truth and because of that don't see that they're doing anything wrong. mine was that way and wouldn't seek help because he didn't have a problem, i did. it can play a major role in destroying a relationship. it kills part of your trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helly Posted October 12, 2004 Author Share Posted October 12, 2004 For those who're interested... He came home, gave me a big kiss and said he was sorry he'd upset me. We had the talk and I explained why I was worried. He was v defensive and made me feel like I was being paranoid. I know that on the grand scale of things, this little incident at the weekend is no biggie. But I know that in the long term, I don't want to be with someone who can't accept responsibility for their choices and lies to hide their behaviour. He put the ball in my court, asking where I want to go from here and I said I love him so much but I'm worried by the lying - he got upset when he realised that it's difficult for me to trust him if he lies... Anyway, later he said he finds himself lying, he doesn't know why and he does try to stop himself now before he lies. I don't know whether he thinks he has a problem - only he knows that deep down - or whether he'll chose to find help for that. It's just clear to him now that I can't be around someone who lies to me like that. The rest of the evening was horrible 'cos we were both upset, did our own thing and barely spoke to each other. We had one of those horrible nights where we slept with our backs to each other. I just wanted to cry 'cos I don't know what's the best thing to do. Anyway, I think we'll just carry on as normal - I texted him today to apologise for upsetting him by what I said. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 I wish I could remember more details, but I saw a questionairre a couple of months ago having to do with the psychology of adult children of alcoholics. One of the questions on it was something along the lines of "Do you find yourself lying frequently?" Try getting a little more info on the subject. http://www.adultchildren.org/ He'll probably still react in a defensive way, but maybe you'll run across some suggestions to help him with that too. However it goes though, do yourself a favor and don't get cast in the 'mommy' role. There's a big difference between attempting to control someone else, and defining what your needs in the relationship are. Don't be bashful about telling him what you're willing to live with and what you are not. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 Adult Children: ...guess at what normal is. ...have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end. ...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. ...judge themselves without mercy. ...have difficulty having fun. ...take themselves very seriously. ...have difficulty with intimate relationships. ...overreact to changes over which they have no control. ...constantly seek approval and affirmation. ...feel that they are different from other people. ...are either super responsible or super irresponsible. ...are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved. ...tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 Anyway, I think we'll just carry on as normal - I texted him today to apologise for upsetting him by what I said. Sweetie, if this is how you handle it from here out (you were doing great by laying it on the line in the beginning) then you will never get this problem solved and this will be one of the defining hurts and problems in your relationship. He'll get progressively worse....he will break your heart and kill your trust.... He was defensive of course BUT then he basically admitted he had a problem when he said he was trying to stop...... But at first then later he did what my husband did and still does (this may go along with being an adult child of alcoholics and a habitual liar) but he played a mind game on you..... He tried to turn it around that YOU had the problem. Then made you feel guily that you brought it up and cause y'all to have an unhappy evening and night. Instead of him saying "I'll get help" "I want to change so you won't be hurt" he took on a role of HIM being the "wronged party" and ended up making you feel like the one that is doing something wrong!! I still get that in my relationship. I'm very naive even at my age. I'm the perfect victim for a con or someone playing mind games.....plus my husband is gorgeous and has an awesome personality....when he turns on the charm or hurt or indignation on me....I feel like it ALL MY FAULT!! Now, this is what I'd do if I were you..... Don't act as if nothing is wrong. He needs to be held accountable....you don't have to be at each other's throats BUT he needs to know it's NOT alright, your relationship is NOT okay, his behavior is NOT acceptable and will have to change.... It may take him a little while to realize that he needs to change.....if I were you I'd set a time limit in my head on how long I'd put up with it. It could take him losing you to realize he has a problem. He has to get therapy and should read some books concerning this....he is not just going to be able to stop this on his own. It's become a lifestyle and a habit. Try hard to realize you've done NOTHING wrong and the actual truth hurts and angers sometimes but it's not your fault he's done these things..... Hang tough and hang in there....it can work out. Just don't settle for what you have now when it could be so much better and fulfilling... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helly Posted October 12, 2004 Author Share Posted October 12, 2004 Thanks for the words of wisdom! I do recognise that he turns things around and acts like the victim - he's done it before, I've pointed it out to him before and he knows I won't play that game. The reason that I'm carrying on as normal is 'cos I think that I've made my thoughts, worries and feelings v clear to him and it's up to him now whether he does something about it. I suppose I already have a time-limit in my head... but life has to carry on in the meantime and I don't want to go on and on and on about this to him Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 The reason that I'm carrying on as normal is 'cos I think that I've made my thoughts, worries and feelings v clear to him and it's up to him now whether he does something about it. I suppose I already have a time-limit in my head... but life has to carry on in the meantime and I don't want to go on and on and on about this to him I understand!! Link to post Share on other sites
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