Wife wants a divorce after nightout with colleagues

[led_zepp]

Hello,

 

I have been married for 3 years to my wife. My wife is a housewife & is very beautiful , loving ,caring , compassionate, romantic but gets very emotional over small petty issues. I have a 9am to 8am (at times I work till 9pm or 10pm) job 5 days a week (sometimes I go in on weekends) which is very very stressful , I cant change or move on as the job market in the city I work is quite bad. For the first 2 years in marriage I had compromised on any demand she wanted (ie: dont meet friends as they are a waste of time, dont go out with colleagues as its useless, spend more time with me , take me here & there). I had been bending down to her demands as I thought its the right thing to do as a husband. After the first 2 years I got tired of her me expecting to always compromise. Everytime I want to go out with friends or invite friends\colleagues at home hell breaks loose. I spend the 2 days weekend only with her & just 2 hours with my family. I try my maximum best spend really quality time with her as any wife would expect (out for movies, walk in the beach \ parks, lunch/dinners out) but it never seems to be enough with her. I had moved out to another city to escape traffic & spend more time with her. Anyways moving down 2 years I wanted some time to myself & enjoy life ( BTW I got married when I was 25 & was a very shy & reserved person back then . My wife is 3 years older than me) . I wanted to go out and mingle with people , do something diffrent with other couples or friends but my wife finds all this useless & is firm on her decision that life revolves around a husband & wife only. I had still put up to her demands as whenever I be honest with her she gets emotionally broken down . I realized this after a couple of months in our marriage so I always sugar coat my words with her (I didn't date my wife & we only had a long distance relationship trough phone calls & skype)

 

Coming to the point of cheating I had gone out with 3 female colleagues of mine for a night out for drinks & clubbing . My wife found about the night out after hacking my facebook account & checking out messages . After the incident & a heated argument she is demanding for a divorce. I just went out for a good time & funny business was involved as I am good friends with my colleagues. With my wife I cannot be the real person I am , I have to always sugar coat my words so that she doesnt go emo & break down. If I dont sms her from work (as I mentioned earlier my job is very stressful & demanding) she says that I don't love her anymore..After a stressful day at work she expects to make love to her every night (she has a huge sexual appetite) . Couple of time I had erectile dysfunctions due to stress ; even though I told her its stress she wouldn't accept the fact & she breakdown's & says I dont love her any more.... She wont comprehend the fact that its work stress. We have huge fights over this whole night till dawn & she knows the fact the next day I have office. If I am quite she will say why dont you talk, If I talk she will say calm down, If I go out to have a smoke she wont allow me to go out , if she wants to go out she expects me to allow her. I have put up to all her demands but she wants more & more (I am referring to quality time with her, not materialistic demand)

 

My wife is willing to let go about what happened , not to proceed with the divorce & continue on our relationship. But I am confused as I cannot go on & bending down to her demands & be secluded from the whole world just to be with her. After all the drama she accepted the fact that she was wrong on not allowing me to invite friends at home or go out with them . She is saying all this now but I know how she is. She will go all emo in the future & hell will break loose.

 

At the moment she is at her parents place & I am staying alone. We do at occaions talk on the phone & have a pleasant conversation. I am enjoying the time without her but in the back of my mind I keep thinking of her. She says she is missing me & I too am missing her. I love her but when she expects me not to socialize & only go according to her wishes it pricks me , it feels like I am chained to the wall. There was an instance I got so mad that I started cutting my hand with a sharp scissor as I went all crazy....

 

I had spoken to my family about this & they will support me through the divorce if I want to go ahead. Thankfully (blessing or not) we don't have children . Her family is also demanding a divorce in the light of the incident on which I had gone out with female colleagues . Note that she & her family is a very conservative whereas me & my family are very liberal. She comes from a background where women mingling with men isnt allowed , where as I come from a background where my family used to throw huge parties & where socializing is normal. Btw I am from Pakistan. Please excuse me for my English as its not my first language.

 

I need a third party view on the situation as I believe it will give me a non biased view on the situation. Thank you & God bless.

[led_zepp]

Just wanted to add that when any fight comes up she says I want a divorce..At times she forced me for a divorce..Usually after a couple of days she is bright & chirpy as if nothing happened...I had watched the movie Revolutionary Road & it relates to my life (other then the sex with the colleague)

[Keenly]

Your wife is a controlling psychopath that pretty much keeps you chained up in the basement and only let's you out to bring her money and f**k her.

 

 

If I was the one making the money. Working almost 12 hour days, I'd go out. If she didn't like it, too freaking bad. Your wife is emotionally manipulating you, and blackmailing you with the threat of leaving. You need to get away from her, as she has zero respect for you or your wants and desires.

[led_zepp]

Thanks Keenly for the quick reply & advice...coming from the place I come from I just think about her future if she is divorced. In Pakistan a divorced women is treated like a stranger with no foreseeable future. This is the only reason which is stopping me to go ahead with the divorce..

 

Before marriage I was a freaking happy person , I used to go out with pals weekends , work out almost every day, socialize on weekend. After marriage its all over... After 3 years of marriage I am fat with a pot belly & no social life when the wife is around. Its only when she is out of town I have fun & can be the person who the world knows. Infront of her I have to control what I say & sugar coat all words.

[Balzac]

To tell you the truth "demanding a divorce" is when a process server hands you her divorce petition. It could be when you sign the certified mail receipt for same at the post office.

 

Anything other than her having filed is emotional extortion.

[BetrayedH]

It sounds like marriage counseling is in order. You need a third party to help you come to some reasonable agreements. At first glance, it appears that she needs to compromise on having a social life (together is what I would recommend) and you need to compromise on your work hours. If your work life is ruining your home life, then your work life is not doing its job (which is to allow you a nice life at home). Reprioritize and find an objective third party to help you compromise.

[led_zepp]

It sounds like marriage counseling is in order. You need a third party to help you come to some reasonable agreements. At first glance, it appears that she needs to compromise on having a social life (together is what I would recommend) and you need to compromise on your work hours. If your work life is ruining your home life, then your work life is not doing its job (which is to allow you a nice life at home). Reprioritize and find an objective third party to help you compromise.

 

At the moment I am unemployed & quit my job coz of the pressure at work & crazy fights in the night at home which just worsened the situation at work...At work its crazy & when I go at home instead of getting some time to relax I have to entertain her.....

[dasein]

Yow, get divorced yesterday and restart your life. Your wife sounds personality disordered and otherwise a complete nightmare of a human being. She has likely done permanent damage to you. Your OP reads really "beat down" and "burnt out," have seen and experienced it before several times. GET OUT NOW, you are young and still have your life ahead of you. That you have no kids is a complete blessing, very lucky for you. Get to an attorney ASAP. Good luck.

[JessieJ08]

First off your married so that means your both to try your hardest to make it work. Compromise and do what makes you both happy. Another thing why is your wife like this is it for a reason you should sit and talk to her maybe she is having trust issues about the going out maybe she feels that scene is for single people only. No offense but if I was married and my husband went out with any female without me I would be Pissed too. What kinda husband acts that way maybe a guy I'm dating but I wouldn't expect my husband to be out with females I don't care if they work with him or not I better be going too.

So yeah that was a mistake on her part just because she doesn't like going out or feels a couple who is married should live for each other She is right this is what marriage is going out should be the last thing to worry about.

 

Maybe you guys can set up some boundaries like we have nights out twice a month or we only go out together. Neither of you should have to suffer because the other one is selfish which you both are being very much. Just talk come up with something you both can agree that maybe your not 100% happy about but at least 50/50 about. It also seems she gives up a lot for your job 9am til 10pm thats crazy she hardly gets time with you I don't know how you can even think about going out when you don't get much time to be home with your wife anyways Don't you miss just spending time? being happy? if not you need to give her that Divorce. The sex situation she Loves you and if your the only guy she is letting have be happy she bugs you about maybe you can also tell her to not be too sensitive with her emotions. Let her know your job is driving you insane and if she still doesn't get it She isn't a woman you want to be married with. I hope you work it out but communication is HUGE let her know how you feel if she cant respect it then separate from this woman, then go out with all the females you want.

 

Remember your not going to make the situation better or go away by acting worse then her so just talk about it.

 

Sorry I'm not trying to insult you or be rude I give you respect for what you have done for your wife and what you put up with but never put up with anybodies crap if it takes from your happiness to the point your acting out!

[led_zepp]

First off your married so that means your both to try your hardest to make it work. Compromise and do what makes you both happy. Another thing why is your wife like this is it for a reason you should sit and talk to her maybe she is having trust issues about the going out maybe she feels that scene is for single people only. No offense but if I was married and my husband went out with any female without me I would be Pissed too. What kinda husband acts that way maybe a guy I'm dating but I wouldn't expect my husband to be out with females I don't care if they work with him or not I better be going too.

So yeah that was a mistake on her part just because she doesn't like going out or feels a couple who is married should live for each other She is right this is what marriage is going out should be the last thing to worry about.

 

Maybe you guys can set up some boundaries like we have nights out twice a month or we only go out together. Neither of you should have to suffer because the other one is selfish which you both are being very much. Just talk come up with something you both can agree that maybe your not 100% happy about but at least 50/50 about. It also seems she gives up a lot for your job 9am til 10pm thats crazy she hardly gets time with you I don't know how you can even think about going out when you don't get much time to be home with your wife anyways Don't you miss just spending time? being happy? if not you need to give her that Divorce. The sex situation she Loves you and if your the only guy she is letting have be happy she bugs you about maybe you can also tell her to not be too sensitive with her emotions. Let her know your job is driving you insane and if she still doesn't get it She isn't a woman you want to be married with. I hope you work it out but communication is HUGE let her know how you feel if she cant respect it then separate from this woman, then go out with all the females you want.

 

Remember your not going to make the situation better or go away by acting worse then her so just talk about it.

 

Sorry I'm not trying to insult you or be rude I give you respect for what you have done for your wife and what you put up with but never put up with anybodies crap if it takes from your happiness to the point your acting out!

 

Thanks for the reply. I had been doing lots of digging & researching into the issue. After discussing my issues on another marriage message board (I cant name it here but if you Google the subject of this post you will find it ) it turns out that my wife has been emotionally abusing me all this while & is a person with traits of Behavior Personality Disorder (BPD).

Edited June 15, 2013 by led_zepp

[carhill]

BPD = Borderline Personality Disorder

 

If true, you have my sincere sympathies.

 

Gather your strength, head to the courthouse and get things moving. There's plenty of time for mediation and/or MC if both parties are amenable. Get clear of the toxic environment and regain some emotional health before taking next steps. Setting a start date can help jump start that clarity.

[led_zepp]

BPD = Borderline Personality Disorder

 

If true, you have my sincere sympathies.

 

Gather your strength, head to the courthouse and get things moving. There's plenty of time for mediation and/or MC if both parties are amenable. Get clear of the toxic environment and regain some emotional health before taking next steps. Setting a start date can help jump start that clarity.

 

yep sorry , Borderline Personality Disorder.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

1. You got married WAY too young. I'm 26 right now. No way I could even picture being married.

 

2. Yes, it sounds like she has BPD. I dated a girl with BPD once. I've had some bad experiences with women, but that was by far the worst. I'm very sorry to hear about your situation....

 

But you're screwed because...

 

3) If you do get divorced, you're f*cked. The marriage laws are very much against guys in this country. So you will be out a lot of money in fees and alimony.

 

I suggest getting out soon though....because the longer you're married, the worse it will get for you financially (especially if you have kids).

[led_zepp]

HoneyBadgerDontCare , yes I agree I got married young plus my wife is older than me by 3 years.

 

Fortunately for me being a muslim the marriage laws are relaxed & it will be as per the Paksitan state law. Just go to pronounce the word Divorce 3 times in a sober & non-angry state. Document on a paper stating I am divorcing so and so & from now on we aren't husband and wife. Pass on the document to a lawyer to issue a divorce certificate from the court. As no children are invoved there is no Alimony (I like to say is AllTheMoney). End of story.

[2sunny]

Thanks for the reply. I had been doing lots of digging & researching into the issue. After discussing my issues on another marriage message board (I cant name it here but if you Google the subject of this post you will find it ) it turns out that my wife has been emotionally abusing me all this while & is a person with traits of Behavior Personality Disorder (BPD).

 

Keep in mind that she abused you because you ALLOWED it!

 

Stop allowing it by stating to her the obvious "I deserve better than the way you've treated me - and I never should have loosed it - I'm free as soon as we divorce, which will be as soon as possible".

 

Then file divorce papers...have her only speak through attorneys!

[led_zepp]

Keep in mind that she abused you because you ALLOWED it!

 

Stop allowing it by stating to her the obvious "I deserve better than the way you've treated me - and I never should have loosed it - I'm free as soon as we divorce, which will be as soon as possible".

 

Then file divorce papers...have her only speak through attorneys!

 

2sunnyI didn't allow it to happen. Please check out my post in another marriage forum with the same heading "Wife wants a divorce after nightout with colleagues". Google it & you will find it. a person with BPD will do anyting to get the way they want it. If you go through my post on the alternate message board you will get what I was going through.

 

I will be filling for divorce soon.

[2sunny]

It's good you're willing to make changes for your best interest.

 

Never "allow it" again...

 

Find out why you thought that was acceptable to you. Do work on that - to help yourself - so you don't choose it again as YOUR pattern!

[led_zepp]

I have been doing some research into BPD & with the points mentioned on shrink4men I am listing my issues I am faced from my wife. As I will be getting a divorce soon I don’t want to go on saying to her family that she might possibly have BPD & needs to consult a therapist . Please just let me know from the 13 signs is she BPD or is it just I am going nuts & getting obsessed she has BPD.

 

 

 

 

13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist | A Shrink for Men

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11)1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings.

In the start of marriage I was very open & honest about everything (life at work , my colleagues , with whom I spend time at lunch, etc) . But then I started noticing if I be honest about anything especially if I talk what I spoke with a female colleague or friend it backfires back to me. She would start asking me do you like her, what is so attractive about her, how long have you known her – it was judgment without any basis. After time I started concealing my thoughts & emotions. Down the line she started saying why don’t you discuss about what happens in the office! I started just saying nothing much.

2) Everything is your fault. You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality.

I had disclosed to her about some of my relationship before marriage or before I met her. Everytime there is a fight or argument she brings up my past relations without any reason. I know she has a past but I can never ever think of just putting the context in an argument. Another issue is that incase she has work the next day(when is with a job) & we sleep late (which she always wants) I am always to be blamed for sleeping late!

3) Constant criticism. She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between.

She always used to complain (for 3 years) I never give her enough time I come back from work at 7 or 9PM & spend the rest of the time with her till 1AM , on weekends I am out with her, I don’t meet any friends just to spend time with her. I had broken my relations with a close friend just for her.Yet still she always complained I don’t give enough time. I had told this to her parents 2 months back & now she is saying me that she never ever complained that I don’t give enough time to her. WTF. What ever I buy for her is never enough , no matter how much time I spend with her is never enough.

4) Control freak. She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you.

In case I need to go out with friends (which I inform in advance) or go to a business dinner she will always fall sick on that day ( I have a very strong feeling its made up) . Even if I have to go for the dinner or outing I always feel guilty. Till this day she has never ever said me to go with a true heart or feeling. She just always falls sick on that particular day. I have been with her for 3 years so its not obvious she is just manipulating me. She says baseless lies about my family & friends , when I confront them they are like they she never ever told such a thing . When I confront her about it she is like they are lying to you. I know my friends & family who I know for my whole life , they would never make up lies. Even if they do lie , is everyone lying????

5) Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you.

One day she is fine , bright & chirpy as long as I keep her entertained every night & every weekend. Any day I am busy in the office & don’t pick up her called even she knows I have a business meeting, I come home late or don’t send her an sms saying I love you or I am missing you that days are the worst of my life. She will hate me like there is no tomorrow , she will be all depressed & sad just because I didn’t pick up her call , send her an sms stating I love you & I miss you . During those days I regret why I didn’t pick up her call or sms her because I have to face hell in the night at home

6) Your feelings don’t count. Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings.

If I express my feelings to her she just states she has full authority over me as she is my wife & she doesn’t want to express my feelings to her because it hurts her. If I ask her lets meet my friends & spouses she will be like why to spend time with them when we both can spend time together. I & her spend all weekday nights & weekends together but its never ever enough !! arrggghhhh.

7) Questioning your own sanity. You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does. If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people.

At times I think I am going crazy & insane . I feel I have lost it. 3 months back I had quit my job because I couldn’t take the stress at work & the double stress from my wife at home because it felt like taking care of a small child as if I do anything against her wishes I am fu***d . In the last 4-5 months I just go to the bar to have a drink as it eases my stress & I feel better after a drink . if I go home I have to take care of her as a small child & conceal all my emotions, stress & worries in front of her otherwise I am labeled a bad husband.

8) Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.” Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality.

She says one thing & then later says something else which conflicts with her initial statement. If I bring up with a statement she said in the past she would just go like I never promised that , I never said that.

9) Isolating yourself from friends and family. You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability.

She isolated me from 2 really close friends & in the past 2 months trying her best to isolate me from my family by convincing me to migrate to some country far away from my parents & also tried to break me from my family by communicating false accusations behind my back . When my parents told me about the false accusations I was like WTF, when I told her did you say such a thing she goes like NO your family is lying to you. She tries her best to isolate me from my friends & family & successfully achieved breaking my friendship with 2 close buddies.

 

10) Walking on landmines

As started earlier I have to sugarcoat everything I say , if I express my feeling , emotions or what I want she will go emotional & be in a bad mood.

11) What goes up, must come down. She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet. You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate.

One day I am her savior & she loves me very very much…. After a week she hates me & says I have destroyed her life. The next day she says I love you so much & cooks the best lunch\dinner . And the cycle goes on.

12) Un-level playing field. Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning. This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped.

If I am chatting with a colleague about some issues at work its WRONG. If she is chatting with a male colleague & they talk about kissing & he wants to kiss her badly , its OK & they are only friends. If I see a beautiful girl & compliment what a nice dress (without any bad thoughts) its WRONG, if she is seeing a hunk or a handsome guy , she will say things like he has strong hands , he is so handsome, whoever girl is with him is very lucky, he has a nice personality unlike me. This is OK with her. If I want to clear the thing out with her that she is wrong in this area, she accuses me of bullying

13) You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep. You’re a bastard. I love you. Don’t leave me.” When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin. She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you. She promises to change. She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.

Start of the marriage I was a handsome guy , I gave up on the gym just on her request so I can spend time with her. Now after 3 years she says I am lucky with such a beautiful wife but never leave me as I love you so much. She threatens for divorce one day & the next day she says don’t leave me , never leave me. This goes on & on.

After every fight or heated argument she wants to have sex (unless she is on her period) even though I am not in the mood as I am pissed off. If I don’t make love to her after an argument the fight will go on till 4-5AM.

She always promises to change but I know from the patterns of last 3 years she never will.

[2sunny]

What nationality is she? Certain nationalities follow a certain pattern after hooking the man that will support them financially...

 

After that - the control and manipulation starts - all designed to keep the money coming but control and isolate the man.

[led_zepp]

She is Pakistani . She comes from a family which is conservative plus the central figure in the house is her mother. I am a Pakistani too but was raised out of Pakistan and was raised in a liberal family and the head of the family is my father. In addition we both are from different different parts of Pakistan or shall I say Clans .

 

I have a feeling as she grew up in a family controlled by her mother she also wants the same to be in our life. Ie all decision has to be made by her.

Edited June 16, 2013 by led_zepp