He hasn't called...should I be annoyed??

[Stellar]

Hmmm, I'm back (again!). Here's the background:

 

Met a guy late July. We had a really good conversation oneday, which led to him asking me out for drinks. We had a great weekend together. We talked on the phone maybe once a week or once a fortnight. We've been out since and again had a really great night. The excellent communication between the two of us is what stood out the most.

 

Just in case anyone is wondering - no, we're not a couple. We're friends (who incidentally, have been physical).

 

He's frequently paid me compliments which show that he likes me a bit more than just a friend and even told me he has a soft spot for me. His last break up scarred him a lot and he's not ready to get too involved with anyone right now. Fair enough.

 

I'm just a little confused now because I seem to be have been the one over the last 4-6 weeks doing all the contacting. I've sent him a couple of text messages and rang him a couple of times, but I can't help but wonder if I didn't contact him, would he have contacted me?

 

He's the kind of guy who shoots from the hip - he doesn't play games and he's a very open person, who's not afraid to communicate what he's thinking.

 

When I have messaged him, he replies practically straight away. He's never ignored a message or a phone call from me. He now calls me by a nickname that only people who get to know me well use, because he feels comfortable with it and so do I.

 

What I'm not comfortable with, is the fact that 2 weeks ago, I called him and he was really happy to hear from me. He was out drinking with friends and I told him I wouldn't keep him because I didn't want to interfere in his social time. He continued to chat with me, then I told him that I'd call him sometime. He said, "no, it's ok, I'll call you tomorrow".

 

He never did.

 

Is it just me, or is that plain rude? Or are my expectations a bit too much? Let's get one thing straight - I'm not full-on with the contact. Every couple of weeks maybe I'll send him a quick hello. I've never had a male friend who I'm attracted to. At one stage, I was wanting to back-off because I didn't want to get in too deep.

 

I'm inclined to not call him. I've already left the ball in his court and it's really not my style to chase people up. I can't work out if this is one of those 'I can take a hint' situations, or if it's a 'we're friends, it doesn't matter if I don't call when I say I will'.....trust me, I've done that to my friends before and they've done it to me but the fact that I'm really attracted to him has confused me a bit and left me a bit hurt. I don't know if he's avoiding me or what.

Guys, girls, what's your perspective? What would you do?

 

Thanks

[joseyposie]

HE IS JUST NOT THAT IN TO YOU!!!!

 

GET THE BOOK IT IS ALL IN THERE.

[Stellar]

Ok, you don't have to shout it at me!

 

What book are you referring to?

 

Does it explain why men are pr!cks, because that would be insightful right now.

 

I just don't understand how a person can dish out such compliments, tell you they have 'good vibes' about things, be happy to hear from you when you call and answer text messages straight away....and then show disrespect by not returning a call.

 

His not calling me just seems to defy all his words and actions and everything that his friends and colleagues have ever said to me. So many people have given him such a good rap about how straightforward, honest and caring he is. He's not afraid to say what he thinks, so why the heck doesn't he just say he doesn't want to talk to me? It's bloody unfair.

 

I've been out with guys before who haven't returned calls, but something about this is very unusual, opposed to when it's happened in the past.

 

I'm can't believe that this has hurt my feelings. I thought I met a genuine guy, but clearly I haven't.

[Heilos]

Honestly, some people are just no good at calling back and whatnot.

 

It just bugs the people that ARE good at calling back and stuff even more because it's something that they practice and do on a regular basis, and personally think it's rude if someone isn't the same way.

 

I'm the same way as you, I always call back. I've come to accept, though, that not everybody is like me. I mean, I make a point of being reliable enough to always call back and do something when I say I am going to, but not everybody places as high of a priority on these things as you or I might.

 

In the end, don't be pessimistic, all of this just adds to the fun (at least I think)

[lando]

Honestly, some people are just no good at calling back and whatnot.

 

It just bugs the people that ARE good at calling back and stuff even more because it's something that they practice and do on a regular basis, and personally think it's rude if someone isn't the same way.

 

I'm the same way as you, I always call back. I've come to accept, though, that not everybody is like me. I mean, I make a point of being reliable enough to always call back and do something when I say I am going to, but not everybody places as high of a priority on these things as you or I might.

 

In the end, don't be pessimistic, all of this just adds to the fun (at least I think)

[Mr Spock]

THe book the shouting person is referencing was on Oprah-you should order it. It basically says that men aren't afraid of comittment-they're afraid of comittment with YOU-so that if he doesn't call, don't worry about it because he doesn't like you that much. And that you're fabulous, so you should move on to someone who DOES.

 

 

Good looking, smart women don't have time for wishy washy weenies who don't know what or who they want anyways.

 

Don't look back. Obviously, he feels your relationship is casual-you're not dating, so if he doesn't call you it's No Big Deal. Because those are the rules you two have set up. If you don't like that, change the rules. If he doesn't seem that into it, you'll find someone better.

[Mary3]

I honestly you think that if he was TRULY interested you would be receiving daily phone calls initiated by him,,,,burning up the phone lines and seeing eachother frequently. The fact that you are the initiator NEEDS TO STOP NOW !

 

Dont look like a sap here....just play it kewl...

 

I KNOW thats nerve racking but girl he does NOT sound interested much and MAYBE Because he thinks you want more...relationship...committment...ect and HE DOES NOT !

 

You said u were physical with him ? Did you sleep with him ? May I ask that question ? Now if soooooooooo then you SEE what happened here right ? He got the pooontangooooo and he has moved on. A very common occurance...the objective of some....HIT AND RUN !

 

Damn its hard but he may have did a hit and run on you

 

sigh....

[Stellar]

Thank you everyone for your input.

 

I'm adamant that I will not call him. It's just not my style to chase people up like they owe me something.

 

There is absolutely no way that he would have any idea that I really like him. The most I have ever said to him is "You're a nice guy, I really enjoy your company". My actions and my words give away very little. It's just the way I am. I do it without even thinking.

 

I won't be surprised if he doesn't call. It would just be disappointing that a 30-something guy didn't have the balls to say, "I like you, but this isn't going to work".

 

I also wouldn't be surprised if he does call eventually. The notion that he wants to be my friend but contact me less so as to not give me the wrong impression, makes plenty of sense. If he does call and we meet up, I'm NOT getting physical. Why would I want an endless cycle of this?? I can see things with much more clarity now and I'm not that much of a sucker that I would put myself on the merry-go-round from hell. Come to think of it, even though he has many nice qualities, I'm starting to think of him as a bit of a s***.

 

I think I'll just chalk this one up to experience (and check out Oprah's book club ).

 

Thanks again

[ps123]

For me, if I slept with someone, I wouldnt just let her disappear like that. Id call and say I need to talk to you and make it seem important. If you say that theyre more likely to call because they might think something is wrong. Then when she called, Id at least make her tell me what was up and if it wasnt working out.

One night stands are one thing, but when you spend time with someone and sleep with them more than once, I feel they at least owe it to you to tell you whats up and to have the guts/nerve/courtesy to tell you its not working. But, thats just my opinion. I think people need to be held accountable. I hold myself to the same rules, but maybe Im being unrealistic.

 

If youre ok with just letting it go, I wouldnt object to that. Its really up to each person to decide how they want to handle it.

[netrie]

Originally posted by Stellar

He's frequently paid me compliments which show that he likes me a bit more than just a friend and even told me he has a soft spot for me.

 

I am not a lesbian, but if that is your REAL PHOTO, you are beautiful and should NOT worry too much. If this guy was into you, he would call you and it looks like he is not into you...

 

Let it go.

 

Netalia

[DJ_Dork]

Originally posted by Stellar

 

Just in case anyone is wondering - no, we're not a couple. We're friends (who incidentally, have been physical).

 

He's frequently paid me compliments which show that he likes me a bit more than just a friend and even told me he has a soft spot for me. His last break up scarred him a lot and he's not ready to get too involved with anyone right now. Fair enough.

 

I'm inclined to not call him. I've already left the ball in his court and it's really not my style to chase people up. I can't work out if this is one of those 'I can take a hint' situations, or if it's a 'we're friends, it doesn't matter if I don't call when I say I will'.....trust me, I've done that to my friends before and they've done it to me but the fact that I'm really attracted to him has confused me a bit and left me a bit hurt. I don't know if he's avoiding me or what.

Guys, girls, what's your perspective? What would you do?

 

 

I've dated girls who have answered all my calls but never initiate any.

I've dated girls where I would for the majority of the time get the voicemail and they'd call back hours or days (!)afterwards. Vice versa with the girl initiating the call sometimes.

I've dated girls that would pick up the phone most of the time, and if they can't they'd call back soon after getting my voicemail. Vice Versa with the girl initiating the call.

 

The last phrase is what most people prefer. I concentrate myself mostly on girls that do number 3, number 2 girls I treat like friends cause we know you bitches carry around cell phones all the time like a piece of jewelry. and number 1 girls are useful as social proof so i can go after other girls.. or if i'm bored at a dance club. I just dry hump her for fun.

 

Should a judgement be placed on the person you like on the basis of how often the person calls back within a good time or initiates a call? Yes.

 

Should you hold a person to that judgement rigidly? No. Ask them why they don't call. Put them on the spot and force your problem with them right on the mark. I'm not sure if you've asked why your "friend" isn't initiating any calls or whatnot. You won't know till you ask.

 

And this "friend thing" . You're just friends. you've said it numerous times in your message post. Logically a guy has a I don't care if I call this person or not or whether the person calls me or not if it's just friends. Again, you have to ASK HIM. If you want more than friendship you better make it clear you want more than that.

 

Will the guy change? Maybe.

[Stellar]

Originally posted by ps123

I feel they at least owe it to you to tell you whats up and to have the guts/nerve/courtesy to tell you its not working. But, thats just my opinion. I think people need to be held accountable. I hold myself to the same rules, but maybe Im being unrealistic.

 

I aboslutely agree. This guy is not afraid to say exactly what he thinks. He's not shy at all, he's quite confident and he's very honest (tactfully, not brutally), which is why the thought of him simply ignoring me or just disappearing is very weird. I know he's been upfront with girls in the past. He's told me that I'm very different to the high-maintenance, stuck-up girls he's dated previously (it wasn't said to get in my pants - it was in general conversation and I know it to be a fact from his friends), so what in tarnation is going on, eh? Are nice, normal girls scary or something???

 

I agree that people should be held accountable for their actions. I don't think you're being unrealistic at all. You're being totally fair. I think it's much kinder to tell a person it's not working out, than it is to simply ignore them or disappear.

[1moment]

He's not into you....don't call....save yourself some time and agony...6 months from you'll either have moved on or still asking the same question...

 

Sorry

[Stellar]

Originally posted by DJ_Dork

I've dated girls that would pick up the phone most of the time, and if they can't they'd call back soon after getting my voicemail. Vice Versa with the girl initiating the call.

 

Yep, that's me.

 

Originally posted by DJ_Dork or if i'm bored at a dance club. I just dry hump her for fun.

 

Ha

 

Originally posted by DJ_Dork Should you hold a person to that judgement rigidly? No. Ask them why they don't call. Put them on the spot and force your problem with them right on the mark. I'm not sure if you've asked why your "friend" isn't initiating any calls or whatnot. You won't know till you ask..

 

You're right. Very right. I suppose in a week or two I could ring for a general chit-chat and bring it up (good idea or not???)

 

Originally posted by DJ_Dork Logically a guy has a I don't care if I call this person or not or whether the person calls me or not if it's just friends.

It's funny you say that, because a male friend of mine said the exact same thing to me on the weekend....that women keep tabs of their friends more, while men tend to go around with blinkers on, just looking straight ahead until oneday they think, "haven't spoken to so-and-so in a while, I might give them a call". Men, women, Mars, venus....!!

 

Originally posted by DJ_Dork If you want more than friendship you better make it clear you want more than that.

 

As much as I like him (which is a lot), I'm not even sure I want more than friendship right now. I really enjoy his company and I enjoy the intimacy of sitting down watching the tv, while he holds my hands or plays with my hair, but to be honest, I really don't know (it's not just him - I've been like that for a while).

 

Originally posted by DJ_Dork Will the guy change? Maybe.

 

I'm not hoping for change, just a bit of courtesy (or maybe I should learn that not all friends call when they say they will and just get over it!). If anything was to ever happen between us, it would happen naturally, over time. But there's every chance nothing more will develop and if I find myself getting more attracted over time, well, I'm going to have to pull the plug on our friendship. If the attraction dies, great!!

[gwennebe]

Dang!! Sounds like you are in the same exact situation as I am right now. I just posted a thread in the coping section because we are "back together" but now I'm thinking we're not "back together" and I'm driving myself crazy with worry that I was just being used. hmmm.. dont' know what I'm going to do as of yet except wait for now.

[overseas2004]

Frankly I am getting kind of sick of Joseyposiey or whatever her screen name is.... Its her answer for everything. And the book is not such a big deal.

 

I think that relationships are a bit more complex than that. And while I do believe that commitment phobia does not exist as a disease... I do believe that sometimes relationships dont happen because of timing. And if we try to force them they invariably end up in the toilet.

 

You have mentioned that the dude just had a bad love affair. If it was a close relationship then he may not be ready yet for something new. I have been there and I know that even if Brad Pitt walked up after I had been dumped by someone I loved I would have had a difficult time. We all know that feeling.

 

What I suggest is that if you really really like him ... stick around and be his friend until he is ready. One day he will wake up and be ready and you may be the first thing he sees... But take your relationship back to strictly not physical please.... you dont want to hurt yourself. Keep the time that you see him to a minimum lets say once a week. And for gods sake date others.. Try to force yourself to cool off a bit and realize its not meant to be now. BUT there is no reason to keep the screen door open ay..

 

And josey knock it off your getting boring.

[Stellar]

Originally posted by overseas2004

I do believe that sometimes relationships dont happen because of timing.

I couldn't agree with you more. I once ended a bad relationship and had a guy who was gorgeous (girls flocked to him in droves), intelligent, funny and very into me - but the timing was bad.

 

Originally posted by overseas2004

And if we try to force them they invariably end up in the toilet.

Well said. I've never forced anything. I've also never been one to say, "I want a boyfriend". These things take time and happen naturally.

 

Originally posted by overseas2004 If it was a close relationship then he may not be ready yet for something new.

4 years they were together and she screwed him over royally. I know he's not ready because he's still not over her and I respect that.

 

Originally posted by overseas2004 I have been there and I know that even if Brad Pitt walked up after I had been dumped by someone I loved I would have had a difficult time. We all know that feeling.

Hell yeah...I covered that in the first paragraph.

 

Originally posted by overseas2004 What I suggest is that if you really really like him ... stick around and be his friend until he is ready. One day he will wake up and be ready and you may be the first thing he sees...

That's an idea. But I'm not one to get my hopes up that I will be the first thing he sees. I'm so thankful that experience has taught me to be pragmatic.

 

Originally posted by overseas2004 But take your relationship back to strictly not physical please.... you dont want to hurt yourself.

Absolutely. The last time we were together, we were physical to a certain degree but I just wouldn't go that extra step and sleep with him again. I listened to my head and told him 'no shagging'.

 

Originally posted by overseas2004 Keep the time that you see him to a minimum lets say once a week.

We've never seen each other that often. We went out 3 weeks after the first 'date' (which lasted 3 days, strangely enough...he was really pleased at how well we clicked mentally). We've talked a few times on the phone. We have rather long conversations, which is great. In fact, I think that's what really gets to me...not talking to him.

 

Originally posted by overseas2004 And for gods sake date others..

Without a doubt. I decided some time ago that I'd like to keep my options open. But first, I have to drag my many 'hooked-up' friends off their couches!

 

Originally posted by overseas2004 Try to force yourself to cool off a bit and realize its not meant to be now. BUT there is no reason to keep the screen door open ay..

I know it's not meant to be now. That's why I haven't been pressing him with phone calls all the time (it's just not my style anyway). I haven't tried to contact him since I last called him 2 weeks ago...I don't know if I should contact him in a couple of weeks or not. What do you think? I like your straight-down-the-line approach, so tell me do!

 

By the way, are you Scottish?? (ay...)