I believe in second chances..

[LifeGoesOnMan]

It's like you were going full steam ahead with a relationship, and you were suddenly halted. Now, you try to pick up somewhere, but it's not as natural anymore. I get it. Trust me, I get it. You are always paranoid and afraid to open up.

 

You situation has so many similarities to mine.

sigh, I appreciate your replies and advice, I really do. everyone else in my life is pretty sick of hearing about this I'm sure lol, so thank you for being here for me =)

 

& I understand this is like starting from scratch again, but your right, it feels so unnatural, and I still don't know if she was just feeling guilty about everything and that's why she sent the email, or if she truly wants to get back together.

 

the words she used in that email led me to believe she wanted to give things another try, "I messed up" " I wished we stayed together", "I miss you everyday" "I hope one day you can forgive me" "I wish i didnt try to move on so quickly" "I still had strong feelings for you" etc.

 

like for real, wtf do you want from me?

 

well I can tell you I'm sick of trying, and I respect myself enough to know that I deserve the very best. & Im not gonna play anymore games, I've initiated the last few text convos, but now im done, im not gonna email her, text her, do anything unless she initiates, im not gonna ask to see her, ask how she is, or anything because I feel like she should be the one chasing me if she truly wants to get back together.

 

she took the 1st step, sent the apology email, we communicated back and forth casually, had a nice lunch, etc. but I feel its time for her to put some work in if she wants me back and if she doesn't, then f--- her.

 

I just want to know what she wants, tired of this bull*****.

[Chi townD]

If I were you, I would just live my life. If she would have contacted me, well...pleasant surprise. But, I've also seen a pattern here where she makes plans with you only to break them a few hours later.

 

Stop living your life in limbo. Move forward, stay out of the friend zone and just don't put your life on hold for her.

[BC1980]

If I've learned anything, it's that you alone are responsible for making yourself happy. Do not initiate anything with her for at least a month I would suggest. Act like you don't care, and start to believe it. You always have the right to do what makes you happy.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

If I were you, I would just live my life. If she would have contacted me, well...pleasant surprise. But, I've also seen a pattern here where she makes plans with you only to break them a few hours later.

 

Stop living your life in limbo. Move forward, stay out of the friend zone and just don't put your life on hold for her.

 

 

I hear ya man, it just makes me angry, as hard as it was, I was actually happier in NC, I wish she never sent me that email and I wish I never replied.

 

I don't know why she has to try and interject herself back in my life, especially after over a month of NC when I was finally starting to feel better and get "me" back.

 

whatever, f--- this sh--t, I want to just go back to NC and move forward.

 

should I just ask her what she wants to see happen between us? or just stop talking to her all together again?

 

I cant deny I love her & if she wants to try and work things out that's what I truly want, but I don't want to wait around any longer.. or play these stupid games..

[Simon Phoenix]

I hear ya man, it just makes me angry, as hard as it was, I was actually happier in NC, I wish she never sent me that email and I wish I never replied.

 

I don't know why she has to try and interject herself back in my life, especially after over a month of NC when I was finally starting to feel better and get "me" back.

 

whatever, f--- this sh--t, I want to just go back to NC and move forward.

 

should I just ask her what she wants to see happen between us? or just stop talking to her all together again?

 

I cant deny I love her & if she wants to try and work things out that's what I truly want, but I don't want to wait around any longer.. or play these stupid games..

 

Absolutely not. Just let her come to you. If she doesn't, then you have your answer. But you have to stop pushing this -- that's why you are back in this state in the first place. I mean, she wrote the e-mail and you have proven that you are still on the hook. Since she wrote that email, you responded and you have initiated pretty much every other contact since. She's the one who has to win you back, not the other way around. You are basically an ego boost when you initiate and there's no discomfort on her end. You need to cease with the meddling and let things settle on their own.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Absolutely not. Just let her come to you. If she doesn't, then you have your answer. But you have to stop pushing this -- that's why you are back in this state in the first place. I mean, she wrote the e-mail and you have proven that you are still on the hook. Since she wrote that email, you responded and you have initiated pretty much every other contact since. She's the one who has to win you back, not the other way around. You are basically an ego boost when you initiate and there's no discomfort on her end. You need to cease with the meddling and let things settle on their own.

 

your absolutely right, that's it. no more initiating anything.

 

I've just been so anxious over all this, that's all, I love the girl and just cant turn off those feelings.

 

but she needs to work for it now, I've done enough and put myself through enough.

 

in the meantime, she just emailed a "hey, how are you?" lol

[BC1980]

I just initiated NC with my ex after 2 months of him texting me and seeing him a few times. I had been so anxious and feeling so bad these past weeks. But here is what I realized. It's my fault if I let him make me feel that way. It's my job to get myself out of the mess I was in.

 

In my case, NC was my answer because he still said he was confused. He said he won't sell back the engagement ring, but he can't make a decision right now. I am doing NC for myself right now because it's my way of getting past the constant stress.

 

In your situation, I think the best thing to do is live your life, and you be in control. Just let her come to you, BUT you cannot stall your life for her. Remember, do your own thing.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

update*

 

so i waited for her to email me 1st yesterday and she did, we ended up emailing back and forth pretty much the rest of the work day, just funny back and forth casual emails.

 

as the day was ending, she sent me a have a nice night email, and told me to "text her later :)".

 

so i drove home, waited a few hours, then sent her a funny text about having to drive our boss somewhere after work, and we texted back & forth for a few hours.

 

now earlier, when we where emailing back and forth, she had mentioned how i seemed to be more like my old self, that i seemed happy, and she was happy for me, i had replied back jokingly, saying "im not sure who that other guy was, but my 18 year old self would have kicked the **** out of him" lol and that i was always a laid back-easy going guy believe it or not, and she replied back jokingly, then said "i'd like to see that side of you :)"

 

now my best friend is actually going through the same exact thing, with his ex, almost same situation (except having to work together), and his ex was the one who reached out to him and apologized too. He did the same thing, wait for his ex to ask him out on that 1st date, they went, had a good time, talked back and forth for the next couple days, got warmer with each other, and then he decided to just straight up ask if they wanted to do something , instead of waiting for her to ask this time(we are men after all ), and she agreed, and everything is going smooth.

 

so he influenced me a little bit to just take the risk and see if she wanted to do something this weekend, instead of stressing out, waiting to see if she asks, basically playing hard to get, i feel she will believe i am not interested if i dont make the next move, i know her, shes sorta shy, and i believe she wont chase me if she doesnt think im interested or want to get back together. & because i did wait for her to reach out to me, to do the pretty much total 180', to ask me if we wanted to meet up, and she has been initiating our convos @ work and asked me to text her later yesterday after work, so i felt like i should just make the next move and ask if she wanted to do something this weekend..

 

& she said yes =) actually sounded pretty excited about it, bunch of emoticons, etc. she made sure to explain saturday was better, because she had some homework she has to do for college but said if she got it all done before the weekend, that maybe we could do friday instead, so it sounds like shes a little anxious to see me too, if she was suggesting sooner?

 

i dont know, but everything seems to be going well, we are much much warmer to each other now, we are starting to communicate more regularly and that awkwardness seems to be fading away.

 

will see what happens come this weekend, and whether or not she flakes on me, but she seemed to make it pretty clear she would make herself available either day either way.

 

wondering what i should suggest? we already had lunch, and i feel dinner would be a little boring and could become awkward, & since its the end of the summer, im thinking we should do something fun! to make it less awkward and boring too lol

 

she loves six flags/amusement parks, we've gone multiple times when we where dating, and there is a six flags about an hour or so away from where we are, think this is a good suggestion?

Edited August 27, 2013 by LifeGoesOnMan

[LifeIsGreat]

You are putting WAY too much work into this, and she is doing very little. You train people how to treat you by what you put up with.

 

I went through a very similar thing for a couple months with an ex. We were trying to "tip toe" back into the couple thing. Then it hit me. During the relationship she didn't have to do anything. I made all the telephone calls, texts, and arrangements for us to spend time together. And here I was doing it again. F that!!

 

So, in a very mature way I let her know I expected things to be a 2 way street of mutual respect, caring, etc. Then, I backed off. Know what? Haven't heard from her in many many weeks. Do I care? Nope!! I'm living my life, spending time with a prior ex from 3 years ago as "friends" (which I'm OK with, AND we have "benefits"), and not even thinking about the recent ex.

 

Don't get me wrong, I do think about her sometimes (and miss her) and even had a dream about her last night. BUT, if she is not willing to step up and act like she really wants to be around me, then screw it. I know what I have to offer and I won't settle for chasing a woman around like a little puppy.

 

My friend, you need to step off and let her step up while you get on with life. Start dating again and do whatever the hell you want without worrying about her. Things should go back and forth. You make some effort, then back off while she makes some effort. Then, she backs off and you step up. See where I'm going with this?

[Faith13/2]

update*

 

so i waited for her to email me 1st yesterday and she did, we ended up emailing back and forth pretty much the rest of the work day, just funny back and forth casual emails.

 

as the day was ending, she sent me a have a nice night email, and told me to "text her later :)".

 

so i drove home, waited a few hours, then sent her a funny text about having to drive our boss somewhere after work, and we texted back & forth for a few hours.

 

Update? Sounds like the same thing you posted back when this thread started. You have thrown yourself into a cycle with this girl, I'm not even sure I feel bad for you anymore. Tara gave the best advice I think you could have got from anyone on this site. You seemed to be listening and making the right steps you needed to ease up on yourself, but you went 3 steps forward and 10 steps back.

 

now earlier, when we where emailing back and forth, she had mentioned how i seemed to be more like my old self, that i seemed happy, and she was happy for me, i had replied back jokingly, saying "im not sure who that other guy was, but my 18 year old self would have kicked the **** out of him" lol and that i was always a laid back-easy going guy believe it or not, and she replied back jokingly, then said "i'd like to see that side of you :)"

 

You were not the issue, she was. You're belittling yourself by agreeing that you were acting like someone else. You need to realize this is a relationship that is stuck in limbo, it will not rewind and everything go back to how it was.. It will also not move forward because you're not allowing it to. Stop doing this to yourself, you need to leave this girl. If she does come back appropriately that would be different, but instead seems like the blame has been put on you. You have to give to get and vice versa. You're giving and giving and she's just getting.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Update? Sounds like the same thing you posted back when this thread started. You have thrown yourself into a cycle with this girl, I'm not even sure I feel bad for you anymore. Tara gave the best advice I think you could have got from anyone on this site. You seemed to be listening and making the right steps you needed to ease up on yourself, but you went 3 steps forward and 10 steps back.

 

 

 

You were not the issue, she was. You're belittling yourself by agreeing that you were acting like someone else. You need to realize this is a relationship that is stuck in limbo, it will not rewind and everything go back to how it was.. It will also not move forward because you're not allowing it to. Stop doing this to yourself, you need to leave this girl. If she does come back appropriately that would be different, but instead seems like the blame has been put on you. You have to give to get and vice versa. You're giving and giving and she's just getting.

 

 

i understand what your saying, but this is also 3 months later, after she reached out and apologized for everything, that "180" everyone talks about after over of a month of NC on my part.. so its not the same situation @ all as when i first started this thread.. plus she has no idea what i've been doing these past 2 months because i blocked her on facebook and havent talked to her at all for like 40 something days

 

so gimme a break man, im just suppose to hope she starts chasing me is what everyone is saying, dont talk to her unless she talks to me , and act like im not interested... she did do the work to suck it up and admit she was wrong, made a mistake and has been taking steps to make things right, suggesting meeting up & went out with me to a nice lunch, & communicates back and forth with me pretty regulary now .. why would i change whats working right now?

 

plus i havent said **** about the relationship, wanting to get back together, i still love you, or anything like that..

 

i feel some people are more set on the fact that this cannot work due to being jaded by their own expeirences.. this is miles away from where we were months ago.

 

what people fail to realize on these forums is no matter what advice is given, and what the majority feel is the best to do, they do not know you personally or your ex nor your relationship, and i have been taking people's advice, i work with the girl and didnt talk to her at all for over a month...

 

but there comes to a point where you have to use that advice as a reference and not as step by step instructions because only you know your situation best...sometimes its better to risk being rejected somewhat than regret not taking the risk @ all and end up forced into a situation you dont want to be in, like giving her the impression im not interested in her when i am, have her believe that and leave me alone, & then trying to force myself to go date someone else when i have no interest in that right now..

 

and fyi, i have been doing my own thing & "living life" over the past few months, i have hung out with other girls and was out almost all day every weekend, i was probably home only 20% of the time..

 

what i see is progress , especially compared to where i was at months ago and some of you guys basically tell me to stop making it and forget her.

[Simon Phoenix]

Are you better than three months ago? Sure. But it took just one email for you to become subservient to her again. You shouldn't be worried about whether she thinks you are interested in not, she should be worried about whether you are interested. Why? SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU!!!! Your impatience is not doing you any favors whatsoever. You keep pushing and pushing and pushing and one of two things are going to most likely happen.

 

1) Her attraction to you will never be realized and you will be a platonic buddy. She knows that she can dump you, do her thing, but then send an email or talk fast and you will come scurrying back. That's not attractive.

 

2) You will get back together for a short time, but you'll fall into the same pattern that you were when the relationship ended and it will die again.

 

We aren't cautioning you because we are bitter. We are cautioning you because you are falling into a common trap that dumpees fall in to. Do you want to get back together to get back together, or do you want to get back together to stay back together? It seems like you are panicking just to get back together, which would be a waste of time for you and her. You need to chill out.

[BC1980]

3 months isn't that long. I wonder if you should have been in NC longer to give it a better chance. I'm thinking she will want to take this extremely slow while she is sorting out her feelings. There's no instruction manual for this unfortunately.

[btyoung21]

Good to hear some progress on your side, been following your thread for a while now.

 

The prudent thing to do is to take it slow, hang out, take her to wherever and just have a blast. Don't bother so much with what 'consequences' come after. The paranoid in us may think we're getting played or experimented with, but you have to experience it first hand. Try not to talk about past issues or problems, keep things light and easy.

 

The question is; where do you go from here? Be careful not to rush back into the relationship, there might still be some underlying issues that will just cause you guys to break up again. If ever that 'talk' comes up in later dates, you have to completely honest with each other and set limits/boundaries about the dynamics of your upcoming relationship. She has to tell you how she wants to be treated and vice versa. This way, you know how to start a new relationship.

 

If SHTF, then you at least put in some effort and didn't hide away expecting a miracle to happen. Silence at the right time is eloquence as they say, but you also have to move your a$$ after some period of NC for something to happen.

 

At the end of the day this is just an advice forum. The final trigger pull is up to you, and you know your situation best. I wish you the best of luck brother!!

Edited August 29, 2013 by btyoung21

[TaraMaiden]

Has anybody got some good absorbent cloths?

 

I need to wipe up the blood I've spilt from knocking my head against this damn wall.

 

Again.

[jncapital1]

Mr Phoenix is dead-on. I was in a similar situation recently. I had a great though short three month relationship with a woman and she broke up with me without any real explanation. I maintained that we had potential and that it was timing and circumstances but went no contact to work on myself and because well she dumped me so she needed to make the move. My plan was to make some changes and get back in touch in the Fall but she contacted me after seven weeks apart. We went on a few dates, which went amazingly well but then one night we went to a concert, both got really drunk and all of my emotions and past frustrations came out. So now we're done.

 

My advice is you don't try to spend time with her until your feelings are gone, or almost gone. She needs to remember why she liked you originally and you need to be less emotionally involved in the relationship so you two are on a level field.

 

Good luck. Wish I took my own advice.

[BC1980]

Mr Phoenix is dead-on. I was in a similar situation recently. I had a great though short three month relationship with a woman and she broke up with me without any real explanation. I maintained that we had potential and that it was timing and circumstances but went no contact to work on myself and because well she dumped me so she needed to make the move. My plan was to make some changes and get back in touch in the Fall but she contacted me after seven weeks apart. We went on a few dates, which went amazingly well but then one night we went to a concert, both got really drunk and all of my emotions and past frustrations came out. So now we're done.

 

My advice is you don't try to spend time with her until your feelings are gone, or almost gone. She needs to remember why she liked you originally and you need to be less emotionally involved in the relationship so you two are on a level field.

 

Good luck. Wish I took my own advice.

 

I think this is why second chances usually have a better chance after a longer period of NC. Both parties have had more of a chance to move past anger and bitterness. You really do have to totally let go of the other person and say it's done. Then, if a second chance comes around, you are in a much better place to start a relationship.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I will keep this update brief to avoid all the criticism of how I have gone about things, because like I said, all I can do is use the advice given to me as reference, not a step by step unbendable instruction manual, nobody knows your situation better than you yourself does, regardless of what ANYONE says

 

We did go to six flags on Saturday, & when I asked her if she wanted to go, she said she would love too and thought it was an awesome idea

 

We had a great time, laughed, joked went on all the rides, and had a lot of fun. Didn’t bring up the relationship because I didn’t want to make things awkward, so we kept everything light & easy.

 

After we got home & went our separate ways, she sent me a text thanking me for taking her, said she had a lot of fun & a really nice time and said it really felt like the good ol’ days, and suggested doing something this coming weekend, & I agreed.

 

We texted back and forth throughout the rest of the weekend, and we both said its been fun hanging out with each other and have had a really good time, but we haven’t really talked about “things”, and I just want to know how she is feeling @ this point and where we should go from here. (sorry, after 7 years with someone, and over 3 weeks of communicating and going on a few “dates” after the breakup & her apology email, I think its time to talk, I don’t care what anyone says.. its time to pull the trigger)

 

So I asked her if she wanted to give me a call so we can talk, or if she wanted to meet up & speak in person, whatever. She said she wanted to talk about things too and suggested we meet up to talk, I agreed, and we are going to figure out a day this week.

 

Will let you know what happens from there, good or bad. Feels like a reconciliation could be on the horizon.. believe it or not!

Edited September 3, 2013 by LifeGoesOnMan

[BC1980]

I really do hope things work out for you. You have to make decisions you can live with. There is a lot of good advice in this forum, but some things aren't so black and white. Protect your heart above all, and I'm proud of you for sticking with the NC. My advice would be to take things slowly and not jump right back into where you left off, even if you are dating again. Don't move in together right away or anything like that. Just pace yourself.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I really do hope things work out for you. You have to make decisions you can live with. There is a lot of good advice in this forum, but some things aren't so black and white. Protect your heart above all, and I'm proud of you for sticking with the NC. My advice would be to take things slowly and not jump right back into where you left off, even if you are dating again. Don't move in together right away or anything like that. Just pace yourself.

 

ty for the support, I do appreciate it, and even though I may not agree with everything 100% on here, I do take into account everything everyone has been saying and trying to apply it to my own situation as best possible, so again, thank you all.

 

in regard to where to we go from here, that's basically how im treating it right now, taking it slow, day by day, al though I may vent on here and tell you how I really feel, I haven't been expressing it to her the way I express it to you guys, I haven't said one thing about wanting to get back together to her or anything like that, I've done my best to play it cool even though there has been multiple times I just wanted to pour my heart out but have been able to control myself, & am proud of myself for it.

 

& if we do get back together, I think that's exactly what we would do, probably live separately for a while and just take it from there, I just love the girl and hope everything works out between us.

[BC1980]

Yeah, I wouldn't recommend pouring your heart out just yet. Sometimes, when there has been so much emotion on both sides, it's best to just let it stay calm and see where it goes. Only you can decide how far you are willing go for this girl. You were together for a long time, so I don't blame you for wanting to try again. There are plenty of people who have had second chances. The key is that you did your NC and stuck to it.

[soundedlikeagoodidea]

I totally appreciate the point of NC. I wish I knew about it and took the advice of well-meaning friends 6 months ago...

 

I ran into a similar situation. Ex of 10 years wants to be friends...friend zone...inf act says "you'll always be my buddie." I said no thanks and lots of angry stuff throughout a few months. After he disrespected me and cheated with a woman half his age....lied about it...made me the fault (he was unhappy, fell out of love because of the "way that I am." Refused counselling despite being a mental health professional...little insight and no real work or 180 as you'd say.

 

All is to say after raising w great stepkids and a great run for 7 of those years (recently I was struck with a significant illness too), I see him as a self centred person who couldn't step it up when it was needed the most. And I am getting, after 8 months toward the indifference stage except I know I still love him, and friend zone is gonna be too painful.

 

Advice? Intellectually moved on but if I am honest with myself I am still grieving. Is it too late to NC or LC this. We are currently LC I'd say. If we talk it is not any longer about relationship because we are getting divorced...eventually.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I totally appreciate the point of NC. I wish I knew about it and took the advice of well-meaning friends 6 months ago...

 

I ran into a similar situation. Ex of 10 years wants to be friends...friend zone...inf act says "you'll always be my buddie." I said no thanks and lots of angry stuff throughout a few months. After he disrespected me and cheated with a woman half his age....lied about it...made me the fault (he was unhappy, fell out of love because of the "way that I am." Refused counselling despite being a mental health professional...little insight and no real work or 180 as you'd say.

 

All is to say after raising w great stepkids and a great run for 7 of those years (recently I was struck with a significant illness too), I see him as a self centred person who couldn't step it up when it was needed the most. And I am getting, after 8 months toward the indifference stage except I know I still love him, and friend zone is gonna be too painful.

 

Advice? Intellectually moved on but if I am honest with myself I am still grieving. Is it too late to NC or LC this. We are currently LC I'd say. If we talk it is not any longer about relationship because we are getting divorced...eventually.

 

you can go NC @ anytime, it doesn't matter, will it get your ex back? im not sure @ this point, then again no one ever knows, its really to get your sanity back and to let your emotions cool down so you can approach this correctly & logically..

 

& also give them a chance to miss you

[amy10]

If she neads space then give her space. you have been together for a long time and I think when someone neads space its a good sign that they want to be with you but need to get alon on their own for a while.

I am sure she loves you but when you said you think shes blowing you off I can tell you from experiance that its not blowing of its being to scared to go back into the thing to fast.

give her time talk at work but don't arrange any more dinners together untill maybe 2 weeks time. Then you should ask her if she feels she wants to take it slowly and start your relationship again.

don't push it and use this time for yourself take your mind off it all by doing thinks you like to do. Hang out with mates or whatever but avoid talking about her to anyone too much. do egsactly what she is doing reasting.

[BC1980]

I think you are right about being scared to get back into a relationship. My ex said he was confused and trying to protect himself from having to go through all this pain agsin if it didn't work out again. Basically, I get where he is coming from, so I made the decision to step away and do NC for myself.