I believe in second chances..

[btyoung21]

LIke your username says; Life Goes On Man!

 

I truly believe it's time to move on for your side. After a good period of NC and trying to reconnect; the outcome is quite the same from where you guys left off. A final goodbye of sorts will definitely make it easier, that we know for sure that even future plans have no hope of working out. Basically, you need a statement that kills all hope for you, as hurtful as it sounds.

 

'As much I appreciate your efforts to win me back, there is no future for us. I don't want to try for this relationship or 'take it slow'. Please stop for your own sake, because it will only hurt both of us. I don't want to give you false hope by replying or responding to your advances. Good bye.'

 

I hate the statement from her saying, hope we work things out in the future. It's another chain-yanker! She rejects your proposal then goes ahead being 'nice' by giving you a little bit of hope for the future. This seems to be a pattern/cycle that is happening, and that needs to be broken. You need to completely move on, really. Not just NC with 1% chance in your head of 'maybe' getting back in the future. This needs to stop for your own sake brother.

 

Well she did end up replying finally.

 

Long story short she is not ready to "take things slow", hopes maybe things will work out between us in the future, but says she has alot on her plate now and needs to take care of things. Wants to stay on good terms with me, understands if I can't just be friends and if I don't want to talk to her anymore.

 

I basically said I appreciate her honesty, and I understand if she is not ready to take things slow or be anything more than friends. said I hope everything works out for her too.

 

Starting NC again tomorrow.

 

That's that.

Edited September 9, 2013 by btyoung21

[LifeGoesOnMan]

LIke your username says; Life Goes On Man!

 

I truly believe it's time to move on for your side. After a good period of NC and trying to reconnect; the outcome is quite the same from where you guys left off. A final goodbye of sorts will definitely make it easier, that we know for sure that even future plans have no hope of working out. Basically, you need a statement that kills all hope for you, as hurtful as it sounds.

 

'As much I appreciate your efforts to win me back, there is no future for us. I don't want to try for this relationship or 'take it slow'. Please stop for your own sake, because it will only hurt both of us. I don't want to give you false hope by replying or responding to your advances. Good bye.'

 

I don't like the statement from her saying, hope we work things out in the future. It's another chain-yanker. She should just be frank about things, no matter how short that statement is, it gives you some degree of hope again. She rejects you then gives you a little bit of hope. God.. I wish she was just more straight up with her answer, like the sample statement I made above.

 

It's over. Who knows what will happen in the future, but I'm done trying on my part.

 

Thanks again bro..& thanks again to everyone for all the love <3

 

Closing the book on this one.

[btyoung21]

You gave 100% and there's no shame in that, but we all have limits. A fine line between persistence and stubbornness.

 

Yeah, I wish you the best in life. Keep your head up brother!

 

I will have a roller coaster couple of weeks ahead of me; to determine whether 'one last shot' is still possible for us. Wish me luck! Breaking NC in a few weeks..

 

It's over. Who knows what will happen in the future, but I'm done trying on my part.

 

Thanks again bro..& thanks again to everyone for all the love <3

 

Closing the book on this one.

[BC1980]

Well she did end up replying finally.

 

Long story short she is not ready to "take things slow", hopes maybe things will work out between us in the future, but says she has alot on her plate now and needs to take care of things. Wants to stay on good terms with me, understands if I can't just be friends and if I don't want to talk to her anymore.

 

I basically said I appreciate her honesty, and I understand if she is not ready to take things slow or be anything more than friends. said I hope everything works out for her too.

 

Starting NC again tomorrow.

 

That's that.

 

For the record, I think it's messed up what she did, and you don't deserve to have your emotions played with like that. Anyway, no sense in funneling energy into her anymore.

 

She wants to stay on good terms with you in case she can't find someone else. How insulting. My ex basically said the same thing. Kept giving me the breadcrumbs, but then turned out he wasn't sure of anything when I asked what he wanted. I feel so much better now that I have gone NC. It's a relief, and I know it will be for you too. It's sad, but you will feel a peace.

[btyoung21]

Completely agree. I hope if it comes to that, my ex will be 100% honest and straight-up with me. I can't afford to give more effort, when in fact it will all be in vain.

 

Thing is; I'll never stop trying to reconnect if she tells me a definite and resounding rejection speech, to the lines of 'No Chance in Hell' we're getting back together or even start to try.

 

For the record, I think it's messed up what she did, and you don't deserve to have your emotions played with like that. Anyway, no sense in funneling energy into her anymore.

 

She wants to stay on good terms with you in case she can't find someone else. How insulting. My ex basically said the same thing. Kept giving me the breadcrumbs, but then turned out he wasn't sure of anything when I asked what he wanted. I feel so much better now that I have gone NC. It's a relief, and I know it will be for you too. It's sad, but you will feel a peace.

[bungeechord_toolong]

Well she did end up replying finally.

 

Long story short she is not ready to "take things slow", hopes maybe things will work out between us in the future, but says she has alot on her plate now and needs to take care of things. Wants to stay on good terms with me, understands if I can't just be friends and if I don't want to talk to her anymore.

 

I basically said I appreciate her honesty, and I understand if she is not ready to take things slow or be anything more than friends. said I hope everything works out for her too.

 

Starting NC again tomorrow.

 

That's that.

 

She didn't say anything new that you didn't already know from her actions. IMHO your last Email forced her to decide. People (usually) do what they feel and we can't persuade them to give us answers whenever we want them in the hope that we can change their minds by force. The ‘in the future’ phrase of her may be sincere and not a method to give you false hope. I totally agree with NC. Eventually, it brings peace in mind and heart and that’s the way you have to think about it. Take care

Edited September 9, 2013 by bungeechord_toolong

[LifeGoesOnMan]

well I did feel a little guilty and mad at myself for letting my emotions get the best of me and trying to force the decision I wanted from her, and I wanted to recall that email as soon as I sent it on Friday, because I knew it wasn't time to try and bring that up & we have had nothing but positive interactions past few weeks, but it was eating at me inside..

 

so I let her know that today, that I felt I may have pulled the trigger too quickly with trying to force her to decide right now, and let my emotions get the best of me, and I do understand why she isn't ready to try and jump back into a relationship with me..

 

but I asked her if she could be 100% honest and open with me, and she told me she just has a lot on her plate right now, she has some health issues, family issues & alot going on with school, says she's been overwhelmed by everything going on and just doesn't want to rush things between us , says she really wants to try and be friends right now, and really does want to see what happens, and let things happen naturally, she said she really has enjoyed spending time with me and hoped I could try and keep doing what we've been doing and see what happens...

 

I told her i'd be willing to try and see what happens between us, as long as we stayed 100% open & honest about everything, because that was an area we lacked strength in when we were together, communication.

 

she said she promised to be upfront and open about everything, said she felt we needed to take a step back first before we could go back to what we where before, & thought we where doing good...says she just wants things to happen naturally between us, and not try and force anything (which she is right, I kinda did)..

 

if she does start seeing someone else, it may hurt, but this will probably end up happening either way, **** I may end up seeing someone else in the next few weeks, but if we are meant to be, we will be... right?

 

my plan is to go LC, not initiate any contact, respond when she responds and to just go about my life, I plan on trying to date other people, will reactivate my POF/oKcupid accounts, and guess ill see what happens.

[bungeechord_toolong]

'she just has a lot on her plate right now, she has some health issues, family issues & alot going on with school'

'she felt we needed to take a step back first'

 

Just respect the above said and at the same time set your OWN boundaries and KEEP them.

Let yourself 'breathe' a little. It'll be good for both parties.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

'she just has a lot on her plate right now, she has some health issues, family issues & alot going on with school'

'she felt we needed to take a step back first'

 

Just respect the above said and at the same time set your OWN boundaries and KEEP them.

Let yourself 'breathe' a little. It'll be good for both parties.

 

 

that's exactly what im going to do. no initiation, plan making, nothing. will just let it be, let whatever is going to happen, happen.

[BC1980]

says she really wants to try and be friends right now, and really does want to see what happens, and let things happen naturally, she said she really has enjoyed spending time with me and hoped I could try and keep doing what we've been doing and see what happens..

 

This is nearly exactly what my ex told me when I sent an email to him about 2 weeks ago. I'm sure my email was somewhat like yours. The only big difference is that we never had a period of NC. A poster before me said that you forced her hand, which is what I did as well with my ex. I felt that my situation called for NC at this point, so I requested that from my ex.

 

It really is a game of patience if you want to win someone back, and you have to realize that you may never win her back. Only you can decide if you are willing to wait that long and see what happens and be okay either way it goes. You are both in very different places emotionally, so it's going to be difficult on both sides.

 

I know a lot of people on here say cut your losses and run. A lot of them are right to a certain extent, but sometimes it is about patience if you really think the person is worth it. But don't put your life on hold in the time being. I would be doing everything for you right now, and keep your options open. There is a fine line between keeping your options open and being on a leash for someone.

 

It takes months to lay the groundwork to let someone into your heart, and you are essentially starting from scratch here. My ex said it really well actually after we broke up. He said he had gone from wanting to marry me to breaking up with me in a month's time, so I couldn't just expect him to reverse all of that so quickly. Of course, I was sitting there still wanting to marry him because I had been blindsided. I understood that day that we were just in different places.

 

I think it is possible my ex and I could get back together, but it could take months of my time. Do I want to do that? I don't at this point in time. I might change my mind in a few months, but it's really an emotionally grueling game. My ex said the same thing about things happening naturally between us as well. Right now, I'm not up to play that game with him, so I went my own way for now but left things open.

[BC1980]

She didn't say anything new that you didn't already know from her actions. IMHO your last Email forced her to decide. People (usually) do what they feel and we can't persuade them to give us answers whenever we want them in the hope that we can change their minds by force. The ‘in the future’ phrase of her may be sincere and not a method to give you false hope. I totally agree with NC. Eventually, it brings peace in mind and heart and that’s the way you have to think about it. Take care

 

The part about forcing her hand is true. People respond negatively to being pushed into a corner because it feels like an ultimatum. No one likes those. In the future, a better way to figure out what she wants is to back really far away and see if she comes to you. It's not instant gratification, but it's a tricky kind of ultimatum because the other party doesn't catch on;) Again, most people don't use that way because they have a hard time outlasting the other person. But it's a better way all around, and there's no drama, ect.

 

I used this with an ex years ago, and it worked like a charm. Unfortunately, I was no longer interested by the time he got his act together.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

This is nearly exactly what my ex told me when I sent an email to him about 2 weeks ago. I'm sure my email was somewhat like yours. The only big difference is that we never had a period of NC. A poster before me said that you forced her hand, which is what I did as well with my ex. I felt that my situation called for NC at this point, so I requested that from my ex.

 

It really is a game of patience if you want to win someone back, and you have to realize that you may never win her back. Only you can decide if you are willing to wait that long and see what happens and be okay either way it goes. You are both in very different places emotionally, so it's going to be difficult on both sides.

 

I know a lot of people on here say cut your losses and run. A lot of them are right to a certain extent, but sometimes it is about patience if you really think the person is worth it. But don't put your life on hold in the time being. I would be doing everything for you right now, and keep your options open. There is a fine line between keeping your options open and being on a leash for someone.

 

It takes months to lay the groundwork to let someone into your heart, and you are essentially starting from scratch here. My ex said it really well actually after we broke up. He said he had gone from wanting to marry me to breaking up with me in a month's time, so I couldn't just expect him to reverse all of that so quickly. Of course, I was sitting there still wanting to marry him because I had been blindsided. I understood that day that we were just in different places.

 

I think it is possible my ex and I could get back together, but it could take months of my time. Do I want to do that? I don't at this point in time. I might change my mind in a few months, but it's really an emotionally grueling game. My ex said the same thing about things happening naturally between us as well. Right now, I'm not up to play that game with him, so I went my own way for now but left things open.

 

I think you said this perfectly, and I believe my ex is sincere with what she is saying too...

 

she did tell me she is willing to put an effort in because I mean a lot to her, so she doesnt want to cut me out of her life either, and she wants to continue what we have been doing (which is what i should have kept doing before I cracked a little) and does want to see what happens between us.

 

in the end, she is a person with feelings too.. and is only being honest about how she is feeling at this point, & I actually appreciate it.

 

as I said in past posts, her & I have never really had any problems before this year, we have so many good memories & went through so much together, and had always got along so well, I mean we've were together almost 7 years , & spent 24/7 together for almost 5 years and it was only this past year that things went south..

 

I think part of the reason things happened the way they happened when we broke up is because we never had any real problems, and when real problems came along, we really didn't know how to deal with them..

 

bottom line, she is worth it to me, to atleast try and see what happens between us without removing her completely from my life just yet, I did that already, she came back and apologized, and although maybe we aren't getting back together just yet (or maybe ever) but I gotta say we are atleast in a better place than we where when we broke up.

 

I am not going to just wait on hold for her tho, and I will put myself out there and pursue other options, and if things work out between us then that's great, if not, I believe I will be just fine.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

The part about forcing her hand is true. People respond negatively to being pushed into a corner because it feels like an ultimatum. No one likes those. In the future, a better way to figure out what she wants is to back really far away and see if she comes to you. It's not instant gratification, but it's a tricky kind of ultimatum because the other party doesn't catch on;) Again, most people don't use that way because they have a hard time outlasting the other person. But it's a better way all around, and there's no drama, ect.

 

I used this with an ex years ago, and it worked like a charm. Unfortunately, I was no longer interested by the time he got his act together.

 

well this is what I plan on doing, like I said, im gonna do the best LC I can, let her lead, do the work, and will see where we go from here.

 

I have some peace atleast knowing where we stand @ this point.

[Simon Phoenix]

Honestly, it sounds like you are on the highway to the friend zone. I wouldn't have sent that email. I just have a feeling this will have a wash, rinse, repeat pattern -- she contacts, you jump, she eventually backs off. I would go back to NC, I don't see the point of willingly being in limbo.

[LifeIsGreat]

First you are NC, then it's LC. You are going to let her go, then you send her email. Geez, you are all over the place. Listen to me..... man up and grow a set of balls!!!!

 

Completely cut her out of your life and let HER do some of the work. If you guys even have a snow balls chance in hell, you are going to have to act more like a man. Women do NOT respect a man who has been playing it like you have.

 

Even IF (that's a BIG if) she came back into your life, it would not be in a healthy way---which drastically decreases the chances of it lasting. You are not handling this in a healthy way.

 

Sorry, but had to say it like it is. And if you are thinking about jumping all over my ass for being so forward....... let me say this, I am older and have been through all kinds of stuff. I know what works and what doesn't.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

First you are NC, then it's LC. You are going to let her go, then you send her email. Geez, you are all over the place. Listen to me..... man up and grow a set of balls!!!!

 

Completely cut her out of your life and let HER do some of the work. If you guys even have a snow balls chance in hell, you are going to have to act more like a man. Women do NOT respect a man who has been playing it like you have.

 

Even IF (that's a BIG if) she came back into your life, it would not be in a healthy way---which drastically decreases the chances of it lasting. You are not handling this in a healthy way.

 

Sorry, but had to say it like it is. And if you are thinking about jumping all over my ass for being so forward....... let me say this, I am older and have been through all kinds of stuff. I know what works and what doesn't.

 

I got it. thanks for the honesty.

 

but again, I think I pulled the trigger too fast with that email, and i said what i said about NC before she replied back to me, saying she just wasn't ready to jump back into the relationship just yet, but just wanted to keep doing what we have been doing..and what we were doing was going well..its only been a few weeks after all.

 

i don't believe this is the same as staying friends with your ex *immediately* after the breakup (which is what your opinion seems to be applying too)...we have been broken up for 3 months, and even though 40 or days of NC may not seem like much to you, we have had a good amount of time apart from each other.. i don't think you can expect anyone to just "get back together" and go back into full blown romance again...i think this is kind of necessary at this point, to try and be friends again, let things happen naturally & take it from there..

 

this is months later, post-NC and reconnection, we didn't break up last week...

 

i am not going to let her control my life tho, and im not going to go out of my way and try to hang out and talk with her..i said i would let her initiate contact with me and will take it day by day, i said i am going to pursue other options in the meantime as well, and i will.

 

thanks for your input & opinion.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

i want to thank you all again for following this thread and supporting me since the beginning and appreciate everyone's input and advice.

 

i am going to sign off from here for awhile and will let you all know what happens in the weeks to come..

 

any major update, will let you know, either way.

 

thanks again all.

[LifeIsGreat]

When you guys are together, stop talking about the relationship. You need to take ALL pressure off of her. Just spend time together like you are casually dating. Take your time and see what happens.

 

Be sure to let her take responsibility for the "relationship" too. For example: if I have an interest in a woman and we start dating, I expect her to call me/text me/arrange dates to the same degree I do. She needs to show me she's as interested in me as I am in her. If she doesn't do that, I'm gone. You need to do this with her. You call her to say hi, don't call again until she calls you.

 

If you are going to date others, that's fine. But you don't need to talk about it with her. Stop talking and start doing.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

hey thought i'd give you guys a quick update

 

ever since i sent that email, & aired out how i was feeling, and after pulling back a bit with initiating emails/texts & suggesting dates and what not....she seems to have let her guard down all of a sudden.

 

she initiates almost every email or text convo, even if she tells me to text her later, she almost always seems to end up texting me first anyways..and we end up texting/emailing constantly all day, until we get out of work , on the way home & until going to bed. its been like that all week..

 

the emails & texts are funny, flirty & light, she uses alot of smiley faces and what not too lol i keep finding a way to bring up fun things we use to do & good memories we had and she seems to be very receptive of them, and engaging when i bring them up

 

the other day at work she randomly bought me a bacon, egg & cheese sandwich for breakfast & gave it to me when she got there...because we use to always get them together for breakfast before work everyday..kinda thought that was weird.

 

she seems to keep hinting at things such as being unhappy alone, doesnt have anyone to help her make decisions, help her with things etc etc. & i kinda just shrug it off or playfully tell her she did it to herself but in a friendly/flirty manner.

 

she also keeps hinting at wanting to hang out soon, a few times, but i didnt jump, just kinda agreed with her, she was brining up the change of season, and apple/pumpkin picking and other cool things to do, so i said we should go sometime soon, and she prompty suggested next weekend so we will see what happens there..

 

just wanted to let you all know how things are going.

Edited September 18, 2013 by LifeGoesOnMan

[Mariposa10]

hey thought i'd give you guys a quick update

 

ever since i sent that email, & aired out how i was feeling, and after pulling back a bit with initiating emails/texts & suggesting dates and what not....she seems to have let her guard down all of a sudden.

 

she initiates almost every email or text convo, even if she tells me to text her later, she almost always seems to end up texting me first anyways..and we end up texting/emailing constantly all day, until we get out of work , on the way home & until going to bed. its been like that all week..

 

the emails & texts are funny, flirty & light, she uses alot of smiley faces and what not too lol i keep finding a way to bring up fun things we use to do & good memories we had and she seems to be very receptive of them, and engaging when i bring them up

 

the other day at work she randomly bought me a bacon, egg & cheese sandwich for breakfast & gave it to me when she got there...because we use to always get them together for breakfast before work everyday..kinda thought that was weird.

 

she seems to keep hinting at things such as being unhappy alone, doesnt have anyone to help her make decisions, help her with things etc etc. & i kinda just shrug it off or playfully tell her she did it to herself but in a friendly/flirty manner.

 

she also keeps hinting at wanting to hang out soon, a few times, but i didnt jump, just kinda agreed with her, she was brining up the change of season, and apple/pumpkin picking and other cool things to do, so i said we should go sometime soon, and she prompty suggested next weekend so we will see what happens there..

 

just wanted to let you all know how things are going.

 

 

So she pretty much is feeling lonely and this is why she's reaching out to you? Sorry about my pessimistic answer, it's just that I'm getting fed up with all these exes leading us on!! I'm not really familiar with your entire situation though...

 

Good luck!

[BC1980]

hey thought i'd give you guys a quick update

 

ever since i sent that email, & aired out how i was feeling, and after pulling back a bit with initiating emails/texts & suggesting dates and what not....she seems to have let her guard down all of a sudden.

 

she initiates almost every email or text convo, even if she tells me to text her later, she almost always seems to end up texting me first anyways..and we end up texting/emailing constantly all day, until we get out of work , on the way home & until going to bed. its been like that all week..

 

the emails & texts are funny, flirty & light, she uses alot of smiley faces and what not too lol i keep finding a way to bring up fun things we use to do & good memories we had and she seems to be very receptive of them, and engaging when i bring them up

 

the other day at work she randomly bought me a bacon, egg & cheese sandwich for breakfast & gave it to me when she got there...because we use to always get them together for breakfast before work everyday..kinda thought that was weird.

 

she seems to keep hinting at things such as being unhappy alone, doesnt have anyone to help her make decisions, help her with things etc etc. & i kinda just shrug it off or playfully tell her she did it to herself but in a friendly/flirty manner.

 

she also keeps hinting at wanting to hang out soon, a few times, but i didnt jump, just kinda agreed with her, she was brining up the change of season, and apple/pumpkin picking and other cool things to do, so i said we should go sometime soon, and she prompty suggested next weekend so we will see what happens there..

 

just wanted to let you all know how things are going.

 

Thanks for the update. I would just keep doing what you are doing, and remember to keep your options open. You are not exclusive to her. You are allowed to go on a date with someone else if you want to;)

[TaraMaiden]

hey thought i'd give you guys a quick update

 

ever since i sent that email, & aired out how i was feeling, and after pulling back a bit with initiating emails/texts & suggesting dates and what not....she seems to have let her guard down all of a sudden.

 

she initiates almost every email or text convo, even if she tells me to text her later, she almost always seems to end up texting me first anyways..and we end up texting/emailing constantly all day, until we get out of work , on the way home & until going to bed. its been like that all week..

 

the emails & texts are funny, flirty & light, she uses alot of smiley faces and what not too lol i keep finding a way to bring up fun things we use to do & good memories we had and she seems to be very receptive of them, and engaging when i bring them up

 

the other day at work she randomly bought me a bacon, egg & cheese sandwich for breakfast & gave it to me when she got there...because we use to always get them together for breakfast before work everyday..kinda thought that was weird.

 

she seems to keep hinting at things such as being unhappy alone, doesnt have anyone to help her make decisions, help her with things etc etc. & i kinda just shrug it off or playfully tell her she did it to herself but in a friendly/flirty manner.

 

she also keeps hinting at wanting to hang out soon, a few times, but i didnt jump, just kinda agreed with her, she was brining up the change of season, and apple/pumpkin picking and other cool things to do, so i said we should go sometime soon, and she prompty suggested next weekend so we will see what happens there..

 

just wanted to let you all know how things are going.

 

*Yawn*.

 

Still here?

[Simon Phoenix]

Unfortunately I think this is another lap in the cycle.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Lol I'm just gonna keep it positive , thanks all!

[LifeGoesOnMan]

*Yawn*.

 

Still here?

 

Haha no offense tara but I'm not the one with 20,000 something posts & a 4 year membership on here...maybe if you had a more positive attitude about things & thought outside of the box sometimes... you yourself wouldn't be on here.

 

Thanks tho!