I believe in second chances..

[flight E]

Still not taking any advise. Act like it's over which it actually is. Don't ask her anytin she will tell you by herself if she wants to get back togeder. You are lining yourself up for pain. seriously. You may think you are better but when everything goes sour. This back n forth will hit you hard.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Admitted, I didn't read the last pages. The thread is quite long but it doesn't make my advise less valid. Let her go at least 4 now until you get to a place where she can't yank your chains and you have to analyze everything. We have all been there and you will gain notin from keepin contact with her forr now. It makes you look weak and makes it easier 4 her to transit to somoneelse. Sory if am harsh

 

& she's the one contacting me, i haven't reached out to her at all the past couple months, and each time there was contact, she was the one initiating with me.

Edited October 29, 2013 by LifeGoesOnMan

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Still not taking any advise. Act like it's over which it actually is. Don't ask her anytin she will tell you by herself if she wants to get back togeder. You are lining yourself up for pain. seriously. You may think you are better but when everything goes sour. This back n forth will hit you hard.

 

 

bro i have been taking people's advice , & if i hadn't she wouldn't have reached out to me at all.

 

this is another month later, 5 months since the breakup and 30 days since we last talked about anything.

 

im good dude.

[TaraMaiden]

& she's the one contacting me, i haven't reached out to her at all the past couple months, and each time there was contact, she was the one initiating with me.

But you're allowing yourself to be manipulated into breaking contact.

 

It's insane - she is actually the one calling the shots, and sadly, the way it looks to us, here, is that you do not have either the strength to ignore her completely - as she deserves - or to turn around and tell her -

 

"I have nothing to say to you.

If I want to speak with you, I will.

But I'll choose when, where and how.

Until then, please quit bothering me."

 

She's still apparently yanking your chain with all this "I need to talk to you."

 

You shouldn't even be giving her the time of day!

 

It's over! Finished! Done and dusted! Sealed!

 

Isn't it?

 

Then what possible motive could there be for wanting to talk to you - other than for stroking her own ego, and knowing that when she clicks her fingers, there you are, even if she has absolutely nothing definitive to say?

 

And what an insult to your current young lady - to still be letting yourself be jerked around by this waste of space!

[LifeGoesOnMan]

But you're allowing yourself to be manipulated into breaking contact.

 

It's insane - she is actually the one calling the shots, and sadly, the way it looks to us, here, is that you do not have either the strength to ignore her completely - as she deserves - or to turn around and tell her -

 

"I have nothing to say to you.

If I want to speak with you, I will.

But I'll choose when, where and how.

Until then, please quit bothering me."

 

She's still apparently yanking your chain with all this "I need to talk to you."

 

You shouldn't even be giving her the time of day!

 

It's over! Finished! Done and dusted! Sealed!

 

Isn't it?

 

Then what possible motive could there be for wanting to talk to you - other than for stroking her own ego, and knowing that when she clicks her fingers, there you are, even if she has absolutely nothing definitive to say?

 

And what an insult to your current young lady - to still be letting yourself be jerked around by this waste of space!

 

I love you tara , the problem is despite whatever I tell myself or try to tell myself, I ultimately want her back... I do, I cant deny that. the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

however, like I said before, I refuse to play the games anymore, I told her this in the email I sent her, I also told her I have no interest in being friends with her and that I had nothing else to say after that... (the email I sent to her last night)

 

so what could she possibly want to talk about now & why?

 

this is the last time i'm going to try & communicate with her, say what you want about me, it doesn't really matter to be honest, in the grand scheme of things, we are going to do what we want and makes us happy... things working out between us will make me happy.

 

the whole point of NC is to get "you" back, right? well I've gotten "me" back, i feel like myself again, i went out and did my own thing, and she is no longer the only thing on my mind and im not pining/wallowing over her, i know i can go out and date other girls if i want too and that im not some poor desperate sap like i was a few months ago.

 

but getting "me" back doesn't mean I no longer have feelings for her...that ***** is hardwired inside of you (for guys atleast)

 

2nd chances & reconciliations are not easy , they take work and effort from both sides, people make mistakes, etc etc. so i really don't see the harm in speaking with her at this point and just seeing what she says...gotta start somewhere.

 

as far the new girl goes, I've only been talking to/hanging out with her for less than a month, we aren't exclusive or anything.. I am not doing anything wrong & its not like im just gonna throw that away either, things between me and her are wayyy to early to even think about being exclusive with each other.

 

& so everyone is aware, i am not asking for advice, i am just keeping the saga updated so you know whats up because i think you deserve to after following this for so long.

Edited October 29, 2013 by LifeGoesOnMan

[Mariposa10]

We do appreciate the updates, (I know I do) I hate when people don't come back to tell us how the story ended haha. Anyway, you're thinking with your heart. I wouldn't have a problem if she had been more specific. But is this the woman who said she felt "lonely"? I remember reading that in this thread I thought that was a huge red flag. I'm worried that as soon as she finds how you're still there waiting for her, she'll start getting interested in the other guy again.

 

My ex wanted to keep in touch. He contacted me every single day. He told me how much he still loved me and how I was the one he wanted to wake up next for the rest of his life, but that he needed to "work out his feelings" and get rid of all the negativity he was feeling towards me. He started seeing someone. As soon as I found out, I distanced myself from situation. If I had stayed in touch I'm almost sure we would've gotten back together with him. After all he used the word "break" at some point. The love was still there, the attraction was still there. But I knew he had to be on his own. I knew that if I had stayed there, there was a huge risk he could've changed his mind in the future. Why? because it takes time. If you're confused, it takes time to make up your mind. People like this, must be left alone. There shouldn't be any fear of losing them because we already did, and if we do, it wasn't meant to be then.

 

My point here is that if it's real love, it'll happen in the future. Timing is everything. You might blow this second chance for handling things the way you are right now.

 

Your sister and your ex exchanging emails was such a bad idea. And the sad thing is that you don't realize it. When she contacted you, ok you wanted to go, you at least should've said you were busy, but as soon as you had the time you'd contact her. You know what I mean, not be so available. That email you sent her yesterday? A waste of time. You had already told her all that, hadn't you? Why repeat the same thing? You should have shown her with ACTIONS. Too much blah blah.

 

We all want things to work out for you, not just for you, but for everybody who is here. After all we're all in the same boat.

 

And yes, keep us updated!!

[TaraMaiden]

I love you tara , the problem is despite whatever I tell myself or try to tell myself, I ultimately want her back... I do, I cant deny that. the heart wants what the heart wants.

All the more reason to sever contact completely. Every contact is just a twist of the knife and she has never done anything at all since you broke up, to indicate this was repairable.

 

however, like I said before, I refuse to play the games anymore, I told her this in the email I sent her, I also told her I have no interest in being friends with her and that I had nothing else to say after that... (the email I sent to her last night)

The hell she cares about what you think.

it's what she wants that matters to her, and like it or not, she's just hauled you over the barrel - YET AGAIN! - and is manipulating you to stroke her own ego, like the drama queen she is....

 

so what could she possibly want to talk about now & why?

WHO T.F CARES - !? You shouldn't even be giving her opportunity to breathe in your direction, let alone hook you with her tempting mysterious come-on!!

 

this is the last time i'm going to try & communicate with her,

He said.

Yet again.

 

 

say what you want about me, it doesn't really matter to be honest, in the grand scheme of things, we are going to do what we want and makes us happy... things working out between us will make me happy.

But it won't work out.

ergo, you're just doing things which ultimately will make you UNhappy. She's ok, she has what she wants: The 'roll-over' little puppy who delights in a periodic good kicking.

 

You?

 

What do you have from this, exactly?

 

Happy?

 

the whole point of NC is to get "you" back, right? well I've gotten "me" back, i feel like myself again, i went out and did my own thing, and she is no longer the only thing on my mind and im not pining/wallowing over her, i know i can go out and date other girls if i want too and that im not some poor desperate sap like i was a few months ago.

No.

The whole point of NC is .....*drumroll*....NO CONTACT!!

 

The whole point is to avoid and prevent this very scenario.

You haven't done NC.

You just drew a line in the sand, on several occasions, which you have permitted her to cross, repeatedly, because actually, you don't want to GO No contact.

And sadly, yes you are.

Exactly that.

 

 

but getting "me" back doesn't mean I no longer have feelings for her...that ***** is hardwired inside of you (for guys atleast)

Bull.

This just goes to show you haven't understood a single thing we've said about NC.

 

NC isn't meant to kill your feelings and nobody is suggesting they should be killed off.

 

But you have to think more about yourself, your healing and your well-being - and that means eliminating the toxic element.

Which clearly, you have not done, and apparently have no intention of doing.

Which is why you still want her back.

If you were truly over her, you may well still feel affection for her, but you wouldn't even take a sniff at "I'd like to talk".

That would be water off a duck's back to you.

 

2nd chances & reconciliations are not easy , they take work and effort from both sides, people make mistakes, etc etc. so i really don't see the harm in speaking with her at this point and just seeing what she says...gotta start somewhere.

Have you noticed how every time she's had the opportunity to give you guys a 'second chance' she's retreated at a million mph?

 

Get this through your head:

 

SHE - IS - NOT - INTERESTED - IN - A - SECOND - CHANCE.

 

She just likes the Ego-feed and the fact that if she whimpers enough, you'll skip over like some tongue-lolling puppy, whereupon she will deliver that well-aimed kick.....

 

as far the new girl goes, I've only been talking to/hanging out with her for less than a month, we aren't exclusive or anything.. I am not doing anything wrong & its not like im just gonna throw that away either, things between me and her are wayyy to early to even think about being exclusive with each other.

Bull.

Of course, if you hold her at arm's length, because actually, you really want your ex- back, and don't give her the chance to become more serious with you, naturally, it's all trivial.

 

Wonder how she would see it?

You don't think you're being unfair?

Does she know she's a 'rebound gal'....?

 

& so everyone is aware, i am not asking for advice, i am just keeping the saga updated so you know whats up because i think you deserve to after following this for so long

.

No.

What we deserve is to know you'll follow the advice we gave you from the get-go.

 

We give a schytt about updates, frankly, if all you're going to do is crap on our heads..

[lylat333]

OP I love ya, but it does seem like this girl is a master of finding new and creative ways to keep this going and prevent anything substantive from happening. She has shown time, and time, and time, and time (x?) again she doesn't need to do or say anything substantive to keep you on the radar.

 

It does sound like you're doing better but 31 pages in and it's still a matter of she cannot keep herself from keeping you on the line somehow and you always being there for her.

 

The ONLY way her "wanting to talk" is going to be meaningful is if she lays it all out and makes it clear she wants a relationship with you... right? But you said yourself that's nowhere near happening, right? Anything else is just waffling imo... waffling that can be seen from a mile away... and more and more of a waste of your time and emotions. You said you, "refuse to play games anymore"... but this is just playing games imo.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

your posts make me smile tara, in a weird sickening way lol

 

i know everyone is looking at me like im crazy/ridiculous/pathetic etc. but its all good, it really is.

 

I am too curious to see what this girl can possibly say to me at this point that wont come off as complete bull**** or anything i haven't already heard to help myself from meeting and talking with her.

 

the only difference is i am not going to be hurting, nor am i hurting right now like i was months before, i'm not, believe it or not. because i know am strong enough now to hear whatever it is she is going to say and will be fine.

 

that's the difference this time, and that's why I don't see what the big deal is.

 

Love ya all =)

Edited October 29, 2013 by LifeGoesOnMan

[Simon Phoenix]

your posts make me smile tara, in a weird sickening way lol

 

i know everyone is looking at me like im crazy/ridiculous/pathetic etc. but its all good, it really is.

 

I am too curious to see what this girl can possibly say to me at this point that wont come off as complete bull**** or anything i haven't already heard to help myself from meeting and talking with her.

 

the only difference is i am not going to be hurting, nor am i hurting right now like i was months before, i'm not, believe it or not. because i know am strong enough now to hear whatever it is she is going to say and will be fine.

 

that's the difference this time, and that's why I don't see what the big deal is.

 

Love ya all =)

 

It really isn't OK. She snaps her fingers, you jump. Just like before. This is pretty much to a T how it went the last couple of times she threw you breadcrumbs. And usually sequels suck more than the original.

 

Ultimately, it's your life, but it's clear you haven't learned a single thing. You say you want her back -- why would she come back and stay back if you don't make yourself any sort of challenge? Going NC a month isn't anything -- 3-6 months is a lot more appropriate.

[ponchsox]

While the chance of a "second chance" are low in most relationships, I have seen two people actually become closer after they reconcile. It depends on the circumstances surrounding the breakup. If a former couple start off as friends, they can actually become closer if they cut out the intimacy and the overall stress of the relationship and get to know each other in ways they never did. Some end up being lifelong friends, some grow up apart, and a few even end up falling deeper in love.

[Simon Phoenix]

While the chance of a "second chance" are low in most relationships, I have seen two people actually become closer after they reconcile. It depends on the circumstances surrounding the breakup. If a former couple start off as friends, they can actually become closer if they cut out the intimacy and the overall stress of the relationship and get to know each other in ways they never did. Some end up being lifelong friends, some grow up apart, and a few even end up falling deeper in love.

 

The ones that do this take significant time away from each other. The OP hasn't done that with this girl. It's a couple weeks of contact, a couple weeks of NC until she gets bored and messages him, then it's more contact, then more NC. Wash, rinse, repeat.

 

OP, you keep talking about how you got yourself back. Guess what, in a reconciliation, it takes two people getting themselves back. And how can she "get herself back" when you keep indulging her current self whenever she wants you to? That's why your play is wrong and has been wrong from the beginning and that's why it's maddening when you keep on making the same exact mistakes every frigging time. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Well, you've been fooled twice and are about to get No. 3 because you simply do not listen or think.

[BC1980]

I really do feel like much more time apart would be better. If you really process your emotions after a breakup, it takes awhile. I'm still working through my grief everyday, so I am in no shape or form to even be in a relationship at this point. Your relationship was 6 years if I remember correctly? I think BOTH of you need many more months and time apart to really process this and get to a place where it might work later.

 

My biggest fear, for you, is that she wants you back, and she dumps you again down the line.

 

I think you should just tell her that you appreciate that she wants to talk, but you really need more time away from the situation. Then, a sick part of me is curious as to what she is going to say. . . .

 

Thanks for keeping us updated.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

im at the "f**ck it, let it ride" phase, so I am just gonna see what she says.

 

& good or bad or bull****, I will let you all know, either way

 

I have issues, but im sure you all know this by now.

[Simon Phoenix]

im at the "f**ck it, let it ride" phase, so I am just gonna see what she says.

 

& good or bad or bull****, I will let you all know, either way

 

I have issues, but im sure you all know this by now.

 

So you have no game plan? Oh yeah, this is going to work well.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

So you have no game plan? Oh yeah, this is going to work well.

 

 

I told you, Im just gonna let her talk.

[BC1980]

I told you, Im just gonna let her talk.

 

Definitely let her do all the talking. She has not, in any way, earned the right to your feelings at this point.

[Never Again]

So you have no game plan? Oh yeah, this is going to work well.

 

Since I have the feeling the OP won't ask, but that your advice could be helpful to him anyway...

 

...what "game plan" would you recommend outside of making her do all the talking?

 

Outside of outright canceling the meeting, of course. Since we know that's not happening.

[Simon Phoenix]

Since I have the feeling the OP won't ask, but that your advice could be helpful to him anyway...

 

...what "game plan" would you recommend outside of making her do all the talking?

 

Outside of outright canceling the meeting, of course. Since we know that's not happening.

 

See, outright canceling the meeting would be my game plan, saying something had come up. This meeting is such a bad idea that it's like asking me what my plan would be if I was forced at gunpoint to swim across a river infested with sharks and piranhas without access to a boat or weapons.

 

So you are basically asking me how to make chicken salad out of chicken sh*t. I'm not a chef. I guess besides not talking, I would leave early. I'd make sure this meeting was a coffee meeting (no meal) and then say that I had somewhere I had to be and could only meet real quick.

 

My plan would have been not to meet though, to make her make an effort to get some of my time instead of following like an obedient puppy.

[Never Again]

See, outright canceling the meeting would be my game plan, saying something had come up. This meeting is such a bad idea that it's like asking me what my plan would be if I was forced at gunpoint to swim across a river infested with sharks and piranhas without access to a boat or weapons.

 

So you are basically asking me how to make chicken salad out of chicken sh*t. I'm not a chef. I guess besides not talking, I would leave early. I'd make sure this meeting was a coffee meeting (no meal) and then say that I had somewhere I had to be and could only meet real quick.

 

My plan would have been not to meet though, to make her make an effort to get some of my time instead of following like an obedient puppy.

 

I knew you're solidly on Team "don't meet", as am I, almost entirely for the part in bold. I made my mistakes in responding to breadcrumbs from my ex, but I've become a firm believer in making an ex *invest* in trying to get my attention if they want it.

 

This situation is far from ideal, and while the OP doesn't seem to ask for the advice often, he does follow *some* of it. While I was tempted to let him make his own mistakes and learn from them, I know there'll come a day when I'm asking for advice (again).

 

My horrifyingly persistent conscience wants to at least ensure he goes in forearmed. If he stumbles once he's there...well, at least LS did what it could.

[lylat333]

I wouldn't go through with the meeting, but I for one wouldn't say something had come up if that's not the real reason. Kinda bothers me when people resort to white lies as a means to an end.

 

imo there's nothing wrong with canceling, and if she asks about it say you felt it was better not to talk. If she asks why you say because you don't think it's going to accomplish anything and so on.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

im just tired of playing games, I feel NC is a game in a way, cancelling making her wait, is a game, etc etc trying to make her chase me is a game too.

 

I treat people the way I would like to be treated, that's all.

 

I am just gonna give her a shot to try and explain herself and let her talk and see what she says.

 

& like I said, I will be fine with whatever that is.

[Mariposa10]

im just tired of playing games, I feel NC is a game in a way, cancelling making her wait, is a game, etc etc trying to make her chase me is a game too.

 

I treat people the way I would like to be treated, that's all.

 

I am just gonna give her a shot to try and explain herself and let her talk and see what she says.

 

& like I said, I will be fine with whatever that is.

 

 

NC is a game if you use it to TRY to get back your ex. I feel bad for people who see contact that way.

 

(btw, I'm not saying you feel that way).

 

So when are you meeting her? I don't think I remember...

Edited October 29, 2013 by Mariposa10

[Simon Phoenix]

im just tired of playing games, I feel NC is a game in a way, cancelling making her wait, is a game, etc etc trying to make her chase me is a game too.

 

I treat people the way I would like to be treated, that's all.

 

I am just gonna give her a shot to try and explain herself and let her talk and see what she says.

 

& like I said, I will be fine with whatever that is.

 

And you'll get hooked again only for it to turn into nothing again. Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. And you sir, are about as stubborn as they come.

[Simon Phoenix]

I knew you're solidly on Team "don't meet", as am I, almost entirely for the part in bold. I made my mistakes in responding to breadcrumbs from my ex, but I've become a firm believer in making an ex *invest* in trying to get my attention if they want it.

 

This situation is far from ideal, and while the OP doesn't seem to ask for the advice often, he does follow *some* of it. While I was tempted to let him make his own mistakes and learn from them, I know there'll come a day when I'm asking for advice (again).

 

My horrifyingly persistent conscience wants to at least ensure he goes in forearmed. If he stumbles once he's there...well, at least LS did what it could.

 

If he didn't do this exact dog-and-pony show once already and another form of it another time, I'd agree to let it ride. But this is just a repeat of what he did a month ago, which is frustrating.