I believe in second chances..

[jukeboxromeo]

I'm of the firm belief that once the thought of breaking-up, call it G.I.G.S, call it what you will, creeps in to someone's head and makes a tiny little nest, it's only going to grow. Those thoughts will slowly feed that monster until it consumes the relationship.

 

Fight it all you want. It still will be there. If you do get back together with this girl - You will be constantly wondering "When will she want to break up again?" "Who was she with while we weren't together?" "Does she still really love me or just waiting for the right time/guy to come along because X guy didn't work out for her?"

 

And these thoughts will consume you.

 

I dated a girl that cheated on me while I was away out of town. When I found out about it, I confronted her, she came clean, and I forgave her. I loved her! She swore by all that she loved she'd never do it again. But I always wondered. "Who was she REALLY with last night?" So I had to break up with her. She'd done me wrong, and I would be haunted by the thought of it happening again, so I had to save myself the constant heartbreak and move on with my life.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Dude, it's a valid question. You need to have the blinders off. I mean, what IF she was out on a date? Does that change anything for you?

 

Because, it were me, I would wonder where I actually stood with her. How much do/did I really mean to her?

 

Look, if you're doing the dinner thing. Treat it as such. Just a night out with no agenda. Keep the convo light, and at the end of the meal, go your separate ways. Then, see what happens...

 

 

I'm just gonna leave it alone, because technically we where broken up regardless and she has told me multiple times she wasn't seeing anyone else (whether or not that's true, I have no evidence)

 

I'm just gonna keep thinking positive.

 

Last two days we have been talking more, she has found reasons to walk right up and talk to me when she wasnt even looking at me before, she's texting me more often too and we are getting along, I've also caught her staring at me longingly while we were at work (she didnt think I saw)

 

The main reason behind this whole situation was because she felt we lost the connection...I believe I can make that reconnection still...one step at step, like I'm almost starting completely over.

Edited June 15, 2013 by LifeGoesOnMan

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I'm just gonna take it one step at a time

 

The main reason behind the break up was because she felt we lost the connection.

 

I believe I can make that reconnection, one step at a time, like I'm almost starting over.

 

Last two days we have been talking more, she has found reasons to walk right up and talk to me when she wasnt even looking at me before, she's texting me more often too and we are getting along, I've also caught her staring at me longingly while we were at work (she didnt think I saw)

 

Positive thinking

[LifeGoesOnMan]

**** man, I think I already blew it.

 

I've been in limited contact past couple days after asking her out to this friendly dinner that she agreed too, and we have been talking back and forth casually , and last night I went out drinking with my brother and my best friend, and all was well , this morning I woke up and i was really missing her and we texted back and forth a little and I asked her "How everything was" and she said "Everything was ok, how about for you?"

 

And I cracked..

 

told her "I was doing ok, just want her to know I miss her and i just want to try to make Everything right between us, no matter what it takes, and that I would rather try and start all over again with her than not have her in my life at all." "That if you wanted to strictly be just friend thats its fine, I get it, but that I just wanted a fresh start on everything because you mean alot to me regardless of what has happened, that's all"

 

No reply..been 4 hours.

 

I've been trying to play it cool with her, but I let my emotions get the best of me. Now I am not sure if she is going to cancel dinner or not, I know I have been forewarned by you all ,just not sure what to think now.

 

 

I suck sometimes man.

Edited June 15, 2013 by LifeGoesOnMan

[BC1980]

This is what I meant by the emotional roller coaster.

 

Everytime you have contact, you will be analyzing everything. Been there. Done that. It's a pretty draining way to live. Because you can't help but talk about the relationship when you are with her. You are going to crack at some point. You are only human.

 

She didn't answer you for 4 hours. . . . now, your mind is really spinning. Let me ask you this. Is it worth it to be in a situation that sucks that much mental energy? Now, anything you say, you are worrying if it could be the wrong thing. Who wants to even be in a situation like that?

 

You have to step back, and let the smoke clear. You are killing any chance you have by mentioning the relationship.

 

Let me give you an example. This is a boyfriend from years ago. I was still contacting my ex right after we broke up. Of course, any time we talked, the conversation digressed into relationship talk on my part. At one point he said, maybe some distance would really be good for us because talking about this, me crying, him crying, this is stressful. He said, I don't want to be this stressed out on a daily basis. It all made sense to me then. Of course, who would want to be that stressed out on a daily basis? Let her slowly realize what it's like when you are not there. It takes months to really figure that out, to really miss someone.

 

Here's the kicker. It's damn hard not to bring up the relationship. This situation is awkward. What do you talk about now if you talk? How's the weather? What did you do today? Awkward. . . .

 

Let the dust settle on this one. I really ignored my ex for days at a time, and he would eventually text me asking how I was doing. I played it cool. Inside, I was crumbling of course, wanting to drive to his house. That was such a hard time, but I did it to myself by keeping contact with him. I never mentioned the relationship status. One day, months later, he said it was so hard not to contact me for days at a time. He said he really needed that space to "clarify things." The space helped him. I had given him his space but at the cost of my mental well being and emotional freedom. I don't think anyone is worth that. Remember that. No person is worth your mental well being.

 

In the end, I never went back. I just couldn't do it. I wasted precious time keeping in contact with him. Maybe it could have worked, but time had really ruined any trust I had in him. Space had the opposite effect on me. I came to resent him very much and wanted no part in his life. Maybe you do have a chance. I hope you do; I really hope you do. But you must be prepared for the emotional roller coaster you are about be on, and you must be prepared for the fact that it may have been for nothing.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Well some good news (I think)

 

She did reply back, actually 3 hours later, basically saying she was running errands with her brother and didnt get a chance to reply back, that "she misses me too and that I mean alot to her too, but that she doesn't feel the same like she did before, but that her feelings can change still and to see how things go in the next week or so, that she likes talking to me and not being shut out"

 

I know this is pretty much the same thing that has been said past week or so, but atleast she replied...phew.

 

I know this won't be a easy ride, and I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but like I said I am willing to try atleast.

[TaraMaiden]

...."But she doesn't feel the same like she did before, but that her feelings can change still and to see how things go in the next week or so, that she likes talking to me and not being shut out"....

 

Well that's nice for her....

 

Breadcrumbs darling.

Friend-zoned.

Likes to not be shut out because otherwise that would reinforce the guilt feelings.

 

Jeesh, talk about falling headlong for the sucker punch.

 

This makes you keep your hopes up, does it?

 

She wants you as a friend.

 

She's not interested in healing your heart, she's just interested in things being cosy - to her tastes....

 

Oh-my-God.....

[LifeGoesOnMan]

This is what I meant by the emotional roller coaster.

 

Everytime you have contact, you will be analyzing everything. Been there. Done that. It's a pretty draining way to live. Because you can't help but talk about the relationship when you are with her. You are going to crack at some point. You are only human.

 

She didn't answer you for 4 hours. . . . now, your mind is really spinning. Let me ask you this. Is it worth it to be in a situation that sucks that much mental energy? Now, anything you say, you are worrying if it could be the wrong thing. Who wants to even be in a situation like that?

 

You have to step back, and let the smoke clear. You are killing any chance you have by mentioning the relationship.

 

Let me give you an example. This is a boyfriend from years ago. I was still contacting my ex right after we broke up. Of course, any time we talked, the conversation digressed into relationship talk on my part. At one point he said, maybe some distance would really be good for us because talking about this, me crying, him crying, this is stressful. He said, I don't want to be this stressed out on a daily basis. It all made sense to me then. Of course, who would want to be that stressed out on a daily basis? Let her slowly realize what it's like when you are not there. It takes months to really figure that out, to really miss someone.

 

Here's the kicker. It's damn hard not to bring up the relationship. This situation is awkward. What do you talk about now if you talk? How's the weather? What did you do today? Awkward. . . .

 

Let the dust settle on this one. I really ignored my ex for days at a time, and he would eventually text me asking how I was doing. I played it cool. Inside, I was crumbling of course, wanting to drive to his house. That was such a hard time, but I did it to myself by keeping contact with him. I never mentioned the relationship status. One day, months later, he said it was so hard not to contact me for days at a time. He said he really needed that space to "clarify things." The space helped him. I had given him his space but at the cost of my mental well being and emotional freedom. I don't think anyone is worth that. Remember that. No person is worth your mental well being.

 

In the end, I never went back. I just couldn't do it. I wasted precious time keeping in contact with him. Maybe it could have worked, but time had really ruined any trust I had in him. Space had the opposite effect on me. I came to resent him very much and wanted no part in his life. Maybe you do have a chance. I hope you do; I really hope you do. But you must be prepared for the emotional roller coaster you are about be on, and you must be prepared for the fact that it may have been for nothing.

 

I appreciate this, I just believe we make our own destiny and that if I don't atleast try then I will forever regret it. I am just going to see what happens, try and not obsess about it and take one day at a time.

 

Although this has been extremely painful for me as it is, you guys on LS have really helped just by being here to talk too, and I am grateful for that and your input.

 

This would be an epic thread if I end up getting her back.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

...."But she doesn't feel the same like she did before, but that her feelings can change still and to see how things go in the next week or so, that she likes talking to me and not being shut out"....

 

Well that's nice for her....

 

Breadcrumbs darling.

Friend-zoned.

Likes to not be shut out because otherwise that would reinforce the guilt feelings.

 

Jeesh, talk about falling headlong for the sucker punch.

 

This makes you keep your hopes up, does it?

 

She wants you as a friend.

 

She's not interested in healing your heart, she's just interested in things being cosy - to her tastes....

 

Oh-my-God.....

 

I know, its not really anything new, at this point I know she only wants to be friends, and if that's all that ends up happening , then so be it.

 

I just feel if I am going to re-establish a connection with her, I gotta start from the beginning, I am going to give it a shot on Thursday, and see what happens, just wanted to try this before just letting her go..

 

If I crash and burn, or if I can't even get a second date out of her, I am pretty certain I am just going to go into NC from here on in and just deal.

 

Just seeing this as a last hoorah.

 

(And if this means anything at all, she still hasn't changed her relationship status on FB, still says "in a relationship")

Edited June 16, 2013 by LifeGoesOnMan

[RhapsodyinBlue]

I appreciate this, I just believe we make our own destiny and that if I don't atleast try then I will forever regret it. I am just going to see what happens, try and not obsess about it and take one day at a time.

 

Although this has been extremely painful for me as it is, you guys on LS have really helped just by being here to talk too, and I am grateful for that and your input.

 

This would be an epic thread if I end up getting her back.

 

 

I think BC1980 is right. We do make our own destiny, but do realize when enough is enough. What will continue to happen is you will keep setting yourself up for disappointment. Let it go. Let it flow. I'm not saying, "**** her." But you are so consumed with this girl that you are willing to put your own well-being on the back burner.

 

What are some hobbies or things that you like to do?

 

I am a firm believer that we must learn to love ourselves and our lives before we learn to love anyone else.

 

Both of you were really young when you got together. It sounds like you guys may have spent TOO much time together in the past. I won't sit here and berate your girlfriend and call her a cheater and so on. I don't know her from the waitress down the street. But it's only natural for human beings to step back and say, "Wait a minute? Am I living for me or for someone else?" especially if you two have been inseparable as you two were.

 

Another thing. Do NOT compare your relationship to anyone else's or allow anyone to do the same. This phase could be good for the both of you. But by you continuing to nag and question her, it will only drive her away.

 

No offense, but reading the story about the car accident kind of made me upset. If I had been in an accident (whether it was minimal or not), I would hate for someone to take the time to question me about whether I have been seeing other people or not. This just shows her you are insecure and suspicious of her. When someone is insecure and constantly displays distrust in me, I begin to distrust them as well...and it's not even out of spite.

 

Sometimes it's best to give what you get, as long as it's healthy. Someone shows you indifference, then do the same. I've spent a lot of years trying to overcompensate and "show" people that I love and care about them only for them to discard me like trash.

 

Make sure people see you for who you are and NOT solely for what you do.

 

Also, ask yourself are you holding her back from being the best woman she can be and is she doing the same to you?

 

Someone said it earlier. You are hurting yourself more than anyone right now.

Edited June 16, 2013 by RhapsodyinBlue

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I understand. It's just been alot for me to deal with it, that's all. I know I ****ed up a bit and I'm just gonna let whatever happens, happen at this point.

 

Just feel helpless and she was a huge part of my life the past 7 years and I love her dearly.

 

it's just been very difficult for me to accept.

[BC1980]

When she says she doesn't feel like she did before, what does she mean? Did she fall out of love, or did she decide you are not the one for her due to incompatibility? I think those two are big red flags that you should not underestimate. You can't force love; it's intangible. If she still loves too, there could be hope. Again, let her miss you. Let her contact you if you want to go for a second chance.

 

A separation either makes you realize what you are missing, or it makes you realize you don't want it back. No amount of "trying" on your part will help.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

When she says she doesn't feel like she did before, what does she mean? Did she fall out of love, or did she decide you are not the one for her due to incompatibility? I think those two are big red flags that you should not underestimate. You can't force love; it's intangible. If she still loves too, there could be hope. Again, let her miss you. Let her contact you if you want to go for a second chance.

 

A separation either makes you realize what you are missing, or it makes you realize you don't want it back. No amount of "trying" on your part will help.

 

She basically told me she doesn't feel the connection between us anymore, and I feel like that's because we smothered each other for so long and were together 24/7 for years...never really apart and did everything together.

 

I am spent to be honest, and I had a long talk with my dad and I'm just gonna let whatever happen , happen. Whatever man.

[Simon Phoenix]

As hard as it is to do, you have to get the "We've spent seven years together" out of your head. If you keep looking at the past, you are going to screw up the present. You are really not ready for this type of interaction with your ex because you are still looking at it as if you are resuming the old relationship. That thing is done, over, kaput. She is just another single person you are trying to date and that's how you have to approach it. Don't bring up heavy stuff, be fun. And don't delude yourself with "positive thinking". There are going to be negatives and if you can't handle them, you are going to crash and burn with this.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

As hard as it is to do, you have to get the "We've spent seven years together" out of your head. If you keep looking at the past, you are going to screw up the present. You are really not ready for this type of interaction with your ex because you are still looking at it as if you are resuming the old relationship. That thing is done, over, kaput. She is just another single person you are trying to date and that's how you have to approach it. Don't bring up heavy stuff, be fun. And don't delude yourself with "positive thinking". There are going to be negatives and if you can't handle them, you are going to crash and burn with this.

 

very well said, and im trying to drill that into my head. gonna do the best i can i put our past behind us and try and start over again, gotta stay strong.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

also would like to know should i keep texting/emailing back and forth casually between now and thursday?

[BC1980]

Really ignore her, and see if she realizes what she has lost. That's the only chance you have. I'm sorry you are going through this. I do get it, and it's hard to look at the time spent.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Really ignore her, and see if she realizes what she has lost. That's the only chance you have. I'm sorry you are going through this. I do get it, and it's hard to look at the time spent.

 

Yea I understand starting to realize this, feels a little better actually, so in regard to dinner..should I respectfully cancel?

[BC1980]

I don't know if you should cancel because that might make it worse. She might see you as unreliable. I would go to dinner, but do not, under any circumstances, being up the relationship.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I don't know if you should cancel because that might make it worse. She might see you as unreliable. I would go to dinner, but do not, under any circumstances, being up the relationship.

 

yea i thought so too, sigh guess im gonna have to let it ride, ive been strong last two days trying not to talk to her, she finds reasons to email me tho, and we've been casually chit chatting, last night she gave me a mixed signal of texting me "if i remember what box i put her 6 year anniversary diamond bracelet in, that she cant find it, and doesnt want to lose it " when i packed up her stuff. i gave her a non-chalant "its in a long box with your mail and other jewelry box" and said "hope you find it". and ended the convo 2 texts later with "have a good night"

 

then today i didnt email her all morning at work trying to be strong, and she emailed me 2 hours into the day a link to a funny thing about my favorite rapper's lyrics being used in someone's highschool yearbook, and i replied back and forth a few times, so i know shes thinking about me..

 

ugh wish i knew exactly whats going on in her head.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

i am on another emotional roller coaster today, though i havent let it show much, i am pondering if i should just flat out ask her..

 

"do you want me to move on?" "Have you moved on?"

 

I know i probably wont get a straight answer (or the one i want), its only been about a month since this all started.

 

im just so up and down and not sure what i should really do.

 

i want to go to dinner, but i dont want to go out of her pity for me..

 

what also kills me is i see her take multiple breaks at work, way more than she normally did when we where together, not sure if she is talking to someone else already or not..but its eating at me

[Simon Phoenix]

i am on another emotional roller coaster today, though i havent let it show much, i am pondering if i should just flat out ask her..

 

"do you want me to move on?" "Have you moved on?"

 

I know i probably wont get a straight answer (or the one i want), its only been about a month since this all started.

 

im just so up and down and not sure what i should really do.

 

i want to go to dinner, but i dont want to go out of her pity for me..

 

what also kills me is i see her take multiple breaks at work, way more than she normally did when we where together, not sure if she is talking to someone else already or not..but its eating at me

 

Do not ask her those questions. And I'm serious when I say you should be looking for a new job.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Do not ask her those questions. And I'm serious when I say you should be looking for a new job.

 

ok, i wont, will keep playing it cool, and yes your right, this **** is torture working with her, plus they cut some stuff we get paid on some maybe this is the right time.

[BC1980]

Do not ask her any relationship questions because I can tell you the answer already. She doesn't know. No point in asking again, hoping for a different answer. It isn't going to happen. It will drive her further away.

 

If you really do want her back, you have to play this game for months. She may never come back in the end, and it will be for nothing. It's emotional torture because you are putting your life on hold for someone else to decide what she wants. It's not fair at all. However, it is your choice to do it, and I'm not judging you. I did the same thing.

 

Really, it has to be several months before you should bring up the relationship. At that point, you should be able to better gauge where this is going.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Do not ask her any relationship questions because I can tell you the answer already. She doesn't know. No point in asking again, hoping for a different answer. It isn't going to happen. It will drive her further away.

 

If you really do want her back, you have to play this game for months. She may never come back in the end, and it will be for nothing. It's emotional torture because you are putting your life on hold for someone else to decide what she wants. It's not fair at all. However, it is your choice to do it, and I'm not judging you. I did the same thing.

 

Really, it has to be several months before you should bring up the relationship. At that point, you should be able to better gauge where this is going.

 

i understand, i am debating whether or not i should just make this a goodbye dinner or not, im so torn right now..ugh.

 

also trying to understand why sometimes she is so distant and others she wants to chit chat, send me links to funny things at work, basically finding any reason to talk to me...then doesn't reply back half the time.

 

also pulled at my heart strings asking if I knew what box the diamond bracelet i bought her for our last anniversary was in and that she couldn't find it and didn't want to lose it.. *daggers*

 

wish i could get inside her head right now.