I believe in second chances..

[LifeGoesOnMan]

It's so hard, but look at the alternative. I wasted months trying to get the clown of an ex boyfriend I had back. I feel so foolish now because he was so not worth it with the things he did. The best I ever felt was when I ignored him. Then, I would get weak and see him again. I would be on a temporary high and then be depressed for the next few days. Who wants to live like that? Live and learn, but I guarantee you I won't do that again.

 

I'll be d*amned if I am going to ever let another person make me that miserable again. The thing is that they can't do it without your consent, so, in the end, you can't even be angry with them. I feel your pain, and I am truly sorry. There's no easy fix unfortunately. There's no "meant to be" in it. You can make it having meaning, and there is a certain freedom in that.

 

I do feel alot better when I'm not around her, but when I get to work, the emotional floodgates open..

 

And I just don't understand how she can't even be interested in what or how I'm doing..she hardly contacts me outside of work at all.

 

After 7 years how can you just not care?

[LifeGoesOnMan]

That's why NC is a good thing. It's not to make your ex miss you (though it can do that) and while it's primarily for moving on, it can also prevent you from going into a tank battle with a butter knife. It allows you to reset your emotions and have a chance to really put your best foot forward.

 

If I were you I'd punt this dinner. Just say something came up and apologize. I just don't see this going in your favor. Emotions are just way too raw and I'm afraid you are either going to smother her with them or you are going to get angry and not be able to express yourself the way you want to.

 

I'm not trying to be a negative Nancy. I just don't think now is the time. I mean, if it's worth being with her and staying with her, then why the rush? It's not checkers, it's chess.

 

I get what your saying, but I already confirmed with her and don't want to flake out now and look even more of a mess, I'm just gonna do my best to relax and have dinner and go after that... May even intrigue her I didn't bring up the relationship or try anything else...It may sound like I like pain but I just wanna see her outside of work one last time before I go NC.

[Simon Phoenix]

I get what your saying, but I already confirmed with her and don't want to flake out now and look even more of a mess, I'm just gonna do my best to relax and have dinner and go after that... May even intrigue her I didn't bring up the relationship or try anything else...It may sound like I like pain but I just wanna see her outside of work one last time before I go NC.

 

Honestly, I don't think it matters either way. I just don't see this really doing anything but causing confusion and angst. But I hope I'm wrong. Best of luck.

[BC1980]

You are in a bind now because you have committed to this dinner, but it's only going to cause angst in the end. Nothing will be resolved after it, and you will feel even worse by seeing here.

 

I'm sure she does think and care about you, but we all deal with things differently. Yeah, it's hurtful to think they don't care, but most people do care actually. With her being the dumper, she has to be extremely careful with how she interacts with you right now. She doesn't want to lead you on I'm sure.

 

Like Simon Phoenix said, it's all too fresh right now. You're not in a place where you can think clearly unless you go NC or very little contact maybe.

[BC1980]

This thing with you two working together is a worst case scenario really. I used to work with my ex, and thank goodness he actually switched jobs before we broke up.

 

Is there any way to get a new job? Any way at all. . . .

[Simon Phoenix]

This thing with you two working together is a worst case scenario really. I used to work with my ex, and thank goodness he actually switched jobs before we broke up.

 

Is there any way to get a new job? Any way at all. . . .

 

Also worked with an ex. Was not fun. It was awkward, I was trying to get back with her and she was angry with me to the point where she tried to get me in trouble at work. It didn't work, but I was so mad that I didn't speak to her at all until she quit three months later.

[TaraMaiden]

You've created a huge dilemma, and a massive problem for yourself.

 

Because you've fallen, headlong into the biggest 'trap' NC was trying to prevent you from falling into:

 

The "friend-Zone".

 

Remember, you can never, ever EVER be friends with someone who you still have feelings for.

 

She believes that you are over the break.

That's why she's acting naturally, feeling relaxed in front of you, playfully flirting with other guys....

 

You two are out to dinner together - right?

So, you must have accepted the break-up, at last - right?

So you must feel fine about the way things have turned out - right?

So, it must be OKAY TO JUST BE FRIENDS - RIGHT?

 

Aaargh!!

 

When was the last time you actually re-read the Guide??

[LifeGoesOnMan]

You are in a bind now because you have committed to this dinner, but it's only going to cause angst in the end. Nothing will be resolved after it, and you will feel even worse by seeing here.

 

I'm sure she does think and care about you, but we all deal with things differently. Yeah, it's hurtful to think they don't care, but most people do care actually. With her being the dumper, she has to be extremely careful with how she interacts with you right now. She doesn't want to lead you on I'm sure.

 

Like Simon Phoenix said, it's all too fresh right now. You're not in a place where you can think clearly unless you go NC or very little contact maybe.

 

I know, I fxcked up, but it is what it is and im just gonna go and do my best to be cool, and whatever happens, happens. unless she askes about a 2nd date im not gonna ask, and ill let it be, NC best I can and stop driving myself crazy.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

You've created a huge dilemma, and a massive problem for yourself.

 

Because you've fallen, headlong into the biggest 'trap' NC was trying to prevent you from falling into:

 

The "friend-Zone".

 

Remember, you can never, ever EVER be friends with someone who you still have feelings for.

 

She believes that you are over the break.

That's why she's acting naturally, feeling relaxed in front of you, playfully flirting with other guys....

 

You two are out to dinner together - right?

So, you must have accepted the break-up, at last - right?

So you must feel fine about the way things have turned out - right?

So, it must be OKAY TO JUST BE FRIENDS - RIGHT?

 

Aaargh!!

 

When was the last time you actually re-read the Guide??

 

I don't think she thinks im over the break, but im gonna get it my best acting performance, play cool and try and have fun, because that's all I can do, and after that, im done playing this game unless things change dramatically.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

heres an update..

 

so we are emailing back and forth casually, she brings up the fact she has to pick up her brother from work tonight, and wondered if we wanted to go out to a closer restaurant then the one I reserved so we had more time..

 

I then cooly said "if you want to do it a different day its fine" and that "if you gotta be somewhere, i don't want to be rushed worrying about the food getting here on time or whatever"

 

but she didn't want to reschedule and wanted to go tonight, and said we will be fine if we go some where closer, so i agreed.

 

i gave her the option to "opt-out" tonight but she waived it..guess she does want to go.

[veggirl]

You should have used that as an opportunity to cancel. You should have said "you know I've been thinking. This dinner probably isn't a good idea for me anyway, lets just table it. Thanks"

 

Your hopes are up way too high. It's very obvious in your posts

[LifeGoesOnMan]

You should have used that as an opportunity to cancel. You should have said "you know I've been thinking. This dinner probably isn't a good idea for me anyway, lets just table it. Thanks"

 

Your hopes are up way too high. It's very obvious in your posts

 

 

i know, & i was trying to hint at it, actually gave her 2 chances to cancel but she deflected both.. just gonna see what happens, i cant help but have high hopes, i love her (and she made sure to look dam good today too) but im gonna play it cool, i feel like if she atleast wants to see me tonight that has to be good, regardless of how big or small that is.

[Simon Phoenix]

i know, & i was trying to hint at it, actually gave her 2 chances to cancel but she deflected both.. just gonna see what happens, i cant help but have high hopes, i love her (and she made sure to look dam good today too) but im gonna play it cool, i feel like if she atleast wants to see me tonight that has to be good, regardless of how big or small that is.

 

It's good if you want to be her buddy. But lover? No.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

It's good if you want to be her buddy. But lover? No.

 

ya I hear ya, like I said, im done pursuing/chasing/trying after this, im just gonna go and try and have fun/nice dinner and be on my way, so done with this and feeling like this.

 

ill do my best to be the old me and let her see what shes missing & then ill let her come to me (maybe)

 

*breathes deep*

Edited June 20, 2013 by LifeGoesOnMan

[veggies]

Just remember this is really a win-win situation for you. You work on yourself, become the best person you can be, and she comes back OR you attract someone else who you could last even longer than 7 years with.

 

I know 7 years is a long time. You practically went through one of the most important growing stages of your life with her. I would fight hard too if was you. But just know that you're going to be happy again with or without her. None of us here can tell you what's going to happen with her in the future-- you just never know. The only person you know about is you, so take this time to become an even greater guy and an even greater potential partner, and if she still doesn't want that, then it's her loss!

 

And about her flirting with other guys around you... it's low, but I'll admit I've done it too. I would even show off my rebound guy to my ex... yes, I was terribly mean, and my rebound meant nothing. The flirting doesn't mean anything either, she's just trying to drive the knife deeper and make it hurt more.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Just remember this is really a win-win situation for you. You work on yourself, become the best person you can be, and she comes back OR you attract someone else who you could last even longer than 7 years with.

 

I know 7 years is a long time. You practically went through one of the most important growing stages of your life with her. I would fight hard too if was you. But just know that you're going to be happy again with or without her. None of us here can tell you what's going to happen with her in the future-- you just never know. The only person you know about is you, so take this time to become an even greater guy and an even greater potential partner, and if she still doesn't want that, then it's her loss!

 

And about her flirting with other guys around you... it's low, but I'll admit I've done it too. I would even show off my rebound guy to my ex... yes, I was terribly mean, and my rebound meant nothing. The flirting doesn't mean anything either, she's just trying to drive the knife deeper and make it hurt more.

 

this really made me feel a bit better, I am starting to realize I will just have to accept whatever happens. **** hasn't been easy but we will see, like I said, after tonight im done worrying about it.

 

let it ride

Edited June 20, 2013 by LifeGoesOnMan

[BC1980]

As hard as it is, you just have to accept what you cannot change. The harder you try, the worse it gets and the further away you will drive her. I know it seems so backwards because all you want right now is to be with her. There is a certain peace in knowing that you can only control yourself and of finally letting go of trying to change her decisions.

 

Your life will improve tremendously once you begin to concentrate on yourself and realize that you can, in fact, be happy without her. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt like hell because it does. But like I said, you can only control your actions. That's one reason for NC by the way. So you don't have to deal with this emotional craziness on a daily basis. You cut it completely out, so there is no wondering if she will call and do you respond, ect. You just cut that sh*tt completely out and set yourself free.

 

Since you do want her back, I guess you might be really selective with answering anything. Why don't you just see how long it takes her to contact you? It will make her realize she has lost a little power if she has to make the first move. Oh, and trust me, she will. My ex would only be able to go a few days at most without some sort of check up text. Make her work for it. Once he realized the power had shifted, oh man, he changed his tune. I was going on vacations without him, going out with friends more often. Threw him for a big loop. All of a sudden, he was initiating contact, asking me to come over. Meh. I wasn't feeling it anymore because the trust was gone.

 

In the end, she may not want it, but you might not either. That's where I found myself with a past relationship. Never thought I'd see the day I wouldn't welcome him back, but things change in very interesting ways.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Ok so in regard to dinner..

 

It went well, very light and easy, didnt bring up the relationship at all, we talked about alot of stuff going on in our lives and it was cool, we talked a little bit after as we left, hugged, and that was that..

 

Shortly after we left, she texted me saying "thank you for dinner, it was nice talking to you :)" "drive safe, I hope you have a good night"

 

I texted back saying "ya it was nice, you too" and I'm guessing it wasnt the reply she was expecting cuz she said "okay.." So I then said "felt like old times...miss those." And she replied back "I know, I do too" so i played it cool, said "have a good night =]" and she said the same back, then we left it at that.

 

Then of course... My best friend who's girlfriend is good friends with my ex, invited us to go to the beach on Sunday, and wanted me to ask My ex if she wanted to go, I casually told her that they where going and asked if she wanted to go, no pressure, she relied back saying she had made some plans with her sister but then sent a long explanation telling me how she will try to get out of it and to let her know what time we where going...

 

dafuq now.

Edited June 21, 2013 by LifeGoesOnMan

[TaraMaiden]

So I then said "felt like old times...miss those.".....

dafuq now.

 

Big Mistake.

Huge.

Thought you weren't going to talk about the relationship.....??

Well, you just did.

 

And now, you're 'confused'....?

 

OH, where's that wall....? I have e head I need to hit it with....

 

 

"I don't want to be on this planet any more...."

[BC1980]

I would not go to the beach with her in tow, and I will tell you why. You are letting her have too much of you, so she will never make a decision. Let her see what it's like not to have you there. Saying you want to break up is one thing; living it out over the next several months is entirely different. You can't always be so readily available to her.

 

It would be a much bigger statement to have gone without her to the beach, and then let it get back to her that you went without telling or asking her. That would make her think. I'm not necessarily saying that she will think she wants to get back together, but it's the only shot you have. It's hard to do when she is willing to spend time together, but you are doing nothing to help get her back. You've gotta play this game if you want any chance of getting her back. It's can't be like old times. I think someone else said it's like chess.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yep, inviting her to the beach was bad for the reasons BC1980 described. You have to let a good encounter marinate for a while. You are on the highway to friendzoneville at this pace.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Eh. Whatever, like I said I'm spent, at least i didnt talk about the relationship at dinner, & I don't think she is going to be able to go on Sunday anyways..

 

The only thing that gets me is she says she felt like we lost the connection, so aren't I enforcing the lost "connection" by not connecting with her? It has been a month since this started and last night was the first night we saw each other outside of work and it went well.. I feel like she wants me to try

 

And she did sound like she wanted to go to the beach atleast , made a point to tell me her plans with her sister but said will try to get out of it..

 

That's not good?

Edited June 21, 2013 by LifeGoesOnMan

[Simon Phoenix]

Eh. Whatever, like I said I'm spent, at least i didnt talk about the relationship at dinner, & I don't think she is going to be able to go on Sunday anyways..

 

The only thing that gets me is she says she felt like we lost the connection, so aren't I enforcing the lost "connection" by not connecting with her? It has been a month since this started and last night was the first night we saw each other outside of work and it went well.. I feel like she wants me to try

 

And she did sound like she wanted to go to the beach atleast , made a point to tell me her plans with her sister but said will try to get out of it..

 

That's not good?

 

No, it's not good if you want to be in a romantic relationship. If you want to be buddies it's very good.

 

Anyway, it's not up to you to try. SHE ENDED IT!

[TaraMaiden]

No.

That's not good.

 

You're being friend-zoned.

 

Look, what is it you want form us?

And I'm not being confrontational.

I'm asking, really.

 

Let's re-cap...

 

You were strung up by her.

You asked for advice on how to move on.

We gave you NC.

You took it up and ran with it.

Then basically lobbed it over the sea wall, and did a complete U-turn - AGAINST ALL ADVICE - and now you're back to square one asking "dumb" questions about something you're puzzled about.

 

Does the phrase 'Groundhog Day' mean anything to you?

[LifeGoesOnMan]

No, it's not good if you want to be in a romantic relationship. If you want to be buddies it's very good.

 

Anyway, it's not up to you to try. SHE ENDED IT!

 

I gotcha. Don't think she is gonna go anyways, and I'm done trying..

 

For real this time.