Wtf is my husband thinking?

[Princessatlaw]

Okay really quick back story, we met at 17 and 19, pregnant within 10 months together, married within 3 and now 6 years later we're separated, on April 30th he told me he was done after a big fight, our marriage was 96% wonderful, we got along great and all our issues were from outside stress.

 

I moved out on May 5th with my almost 5 year old daughter. Things were hostile for the first two weeks but then he started lingering at my place longer, bringing me lunch and Starbucks a few times a week. I live about 20 minutes away and it's in the complete wrong direction from anything he would need.

 

We had sex on our would-be anniversary and called it "closure", everytime he comes over he makes small talk and try's to find reasons to touch me and talk about things. But he never texts me or calls unless its about our daughter.

 

I shouldn't say never but very rarely.

 

How should I proceed? Everything initially turned around because I pretended to be happy and different then I had acted the first two weeks, but I don't know if I should cut that out now and admit I still love him or if that will be counter productive as he wasn't interested until I stopped caring.

 

Please don't tell me to move on or anything like that, I don't want to, I want to fix my marriage.

[Balzac]

I moved out on May 5th with my almost 5 year old daughter.

 

I hope this was a mental lapse because your story indicates this child is shared parentage here.

[Princessatlaw]

 

I hope this was a mental lapse because your story indicates this child is shared parentage here.

 

He gets her on Wednesdays and every other weekend plus I let him come over now and again to have dinner with us or whatever. He works shift work but she is in school full time and we have a routine.

 

But no, she lives with me.

 

Edit: unless you're referring to me calling her "my daughter"?

[Balzac]

Your edit is correct. A woman seeking to save her marriage

needs to think:speak in those terms. More importantly your daughter

is shared not "your's".

[Princessatlaw]

Your edit is correct. A woman seeking to save her marriage

needs to think:speak in those terms. More importantly your daughter

is shared not "your's".

 

I wrote it quickly on my iPad. There's many other errors such as my then/than choice and there's guaranteed to be run on sentences.

 

I'm certain that is not an issue as I welcome him into the life *I* had to rebuild for our daughter on my own after he cast us aside. I send him regular picture messages of her and daily updates, I accommodate his nearly every request despite the court order saying I have no such responsibility.

 

I understand how it looks in my frantic, summarized recap, but I assure you I am not that kind of mother.

[Balzac]

I'm not a grammer cop! It sounds like you get it. So is this a filed divorce action! You're the respondant?

 

I wish you a positive outcome on saving your marriage.

[Princessatlaw]

I'm not a grammer cop! It sounds like you get it. So is this a filed divorce action! You're the respondant?

 

I wish you a positive outcome on saving your marriage.

 

Haha, thank you. As of now we're legally separated. I refused to let myself become a statistic so I promptly filed for custody. I work in the legal field so it was less intimidating for me to handle that quickly. Also, I've heard a lot of horror stories and his behavior had seemed erratic and unstable when he broke things off. I can see now perhaps I just thought that because I believed we were fine and didn't understand why he didn't want to be married to me.

 

In my country you need to be separated for a full year to file for divorce so that part isn't on the table yet. Although he reminded me a week ago when telling me to move on that we had no chance of reconciliation.

 

He's very hot and cold.

[Balzac]

As you work in the legal field then you're aware that a couple never

has to have a final decree. Who knows what he's thinking.

It's not unusual for one party to fail to communicate, building resentment, acting on that and taking awhile to cool off.

[Enema]

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive.

 

So here's the list:

1) Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2) No frequent phone calls.

3) Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

4) Don't follow her/him around the house.

5) Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6) Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

7) Don't ask for reassurances.

8) Don't buy or give gifts.

9) Don't schedule dates together.

10) Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11) Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12) Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13) Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14) When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

15) If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16) Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

17) Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

18) No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19) All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20) Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

21) Don't be overly enthusiastic.

22) Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23) Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24) Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25) Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26) Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

27) Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

28) Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

29) Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

30) Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

31) Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

32) When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

[Princessatlaw]

As you work in the legal field then you're aware that a couple never

has to have a final decree. Who knows what he's thinking.

It's not unusual for one party to fail to communicate, building resentment, acting on that and taking awhile to cool off.

 

Yes, you hit the nail on the head there, looking back he put up with a lot of nonsense. He was incredibly good to me for years and then just snapped. We are different, I hash my feelings out promptly and get over it, apparently he lets it fester.

 

I tricked myself into a false sense of security because we rarely fought or argued.

 

The issue now is that me begging him or trying to fix it pushed him further away. The only thing that made him come around was me being content and appearing to have moved on. I'm not a fan of playing mind games but I'm in over my head and I'm not sure if continuing to act happy will push him away or if reverting back to asking to repair our marriage will be counter productive.

[Princessatlaw]

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive.

 

So here's the list:

1) Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2) No frequent phone calls.

3) Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

4) Don't follow her/him around the house.

5) Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6) Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

7) Don't ask for reassurances.

8) Don't buy or give gifts.

9) Don't schedule dates together.

10) Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11) Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12) Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13) Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14) When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

15) If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16) Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

17) Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

18) No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19) All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20) Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

21) Don't be overly enthusiastic.

22) Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23) Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24) Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25) Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26) Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

27) Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

28) Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

29) Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

30) Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

31) Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

32) When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

 

I love this, thank you! I actually just finished her book over the weekend, it helped a lot but I sometimes feel that I need a more specific answer to my personal situation. Perhaps I'm thinking too much into it and should just continue with what I've been doing.

 

Thank you very much!

[Balzac]

You're only 5 weeks into your new life as it were. Give this time

and be true to goal. You'll figure it out. He may need time enough

to feel low burden on the fix. Patience can be a struggle. Hang in there.

[Princessatlaw]

You're only 5 weeks into your new life as it were. Give this time

and be true to goal. You'll figure it out. He may need time enough

to feel low burden on the fix. Patience can be a struggle. Hang in there.

 

Thanks, you've been very helpful. This might be too personal but if he comes on to me should I have sex with him? I know the obvious answer is NO but in our marriage we rarely did and I want to show him that can change but I also don't want him to get everything he wants and not miss me because of it.

[Balzac]

You'll get varying POV on this from LSers. If it was a marital

issue then demonstrating willingness and interest is imperative.

You've got not much to lose. My personal recommendation is to not get caught up in "shoulds". I'd be prepared as in avoiding a pregnancy but not overly

concerned about STDs but I'll get torched on here for that. If you two were all

good w condoms, fine. I personally hate 'em. You're smart and can read the factual medical study statistics. I shoulda just deleted that, must be the bourbon:-)

[SJC2008]

Did yall fight a lot? What was the fight that put him over the top about?

 

I wouldn't try to do the 180 list. If you want to save your marriage tell him and find out if he does too. If you're willing to go to counseling ask him to go to counseling with you.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thanks, you've been very helpful. This might be too personal but if he comes on to me should I have sex with him? I know the obvious answer is NO but in our marriage we rarely did and I want to show him that can change but I also don't want him to get everything he wants and not miss me because of it.

 

Why did you two split?

 

Why was your sex life so bad?

 

What does he say he wants? What does he act like he wants?

 

My thought is that if sex was an issue in the marriage and it caused him to feel unloved and unwanted... then it's imperative you show a change. Holding out is just going to cement the idea that you lack passion for him.

 

Besides... if you honestly think that having sex is going to make him not miss you... then there isn't much of a marriage to save. I highly recommend viewing sex as an expression of emotion... not a tool to manipulate.

[Eggplant]

he told me he was done after a big fight, our marriage was 96% wonderful, we got along great and all our issues were from outside stress.

There is a disconnect. You believe the marriage 96% wonderful, while he wants to leave. What was the big fight about? Why does he feel unhappy?