Immorality of Leaving Spouse for Another

[Eggplant]

Is it wrong, right, moral, immoral, etc. for a person to leave his or her spouse to be with another person? Do children play a role?

[KathyM]

I guess that depends how you define morality. From a Christian perspective, it would be considered immoral to leave your spouse for another partner, unless your spouse were unfaithful.

[Silly_Girl]

I have less of a problem with the leaving than I do the dual-relationship and lying scenario.

[cocorico]

Is it wrong, right, moral, immoral, etc. for a person to leave his or her spouse to be with another person? Do children play a role?

 

I think this would depend on the nature of the contract / agreement between the two parties (both the formal contract, and their informal agreement on its interpretation). If we're talking about fundamentalists who really do buy into the whole "unto death" bit, then to them it will appear immoral, since they believed that the promise / legal commitment would expire only upon the death of one or both parties.

 

But if we're talking about more modern, rational views that recognise that people and circumstances change, and that contracts can be broken in a myriad other ways (one party withholding sex, say, or the discovery that the spouse is a paedophile, domestic violence, or whatever) rendering them void, etc, then M is not viewed as "unto death" but as "let's do our best to make this work, but if we really can't and the costs of trying become unsustainable, let's be mature about it and end things", in which case it would less likely he viewed as immoral - unless the "dumped" party summons their outrage and adopts a more fundamentalist view on the basis that they were the one being left, rather than the one doing the leaving, which seems to happen fairly frequently.

 

Children do play a role, as one of the reasons - probably the most compelling reason - unhappy spouses stick it out in bad Ms for so long is "for the kids". Alternately, a reason many abused spouses find the courage to leave a violent M is also to protect their kids.

[EasyHeart]

To me, one of the main purposes of marriage is a promise that you will not have a romantic or sexual relationship with another person. If you leave to be with another person, you are breaking that promise, and I think that breaking promises is wrong.

 

If a relationship has failed, you leave the relationship. If you later enter into a relationship with someone else after first dissolving the initial relationship, that's okay. But entering a second relationship without first dissolving the initial relationship is wrong.

 

Kids change the dynamic completely. Once you decide to have kids, IMO you waive the right to leave the relationship absent extreme situations like physical abuse. Not feeling "fulfilled" or having the hots for someone else are not legitimate reasons to break up your children's family.

[HokeyReligions]

I guess that depends how you define morality. From a Christian perspective, it would be considered immoral to leave your spouse for another partner, unless your spouse were unfaithful.

 

Unless? I don't believe its ever morally acceptable to cheat. Now if the poster is talking about divorce it becomes a whole different discussion.

[TaraMaiden]

Morality is subjective.

[TouchedByViolet]

Morality is irrelevant in romance. The term all is fair in love and war applies absolutely. Winning is the most important thing. I have seen many people leave or be left by a SO for another. The person left alone is often heartbroken and suffers while the leaver is happily with someone they like more.

 

If you have kids they may hate you if you screw over your SO, something to consider.

[Crushedjustcrushed]

To me, one of the main purposes of marriage is a promise that you will not have a romantic or sexual relationship with another person. If you leave to be with another person, you are breaking that promise, and I think that breaking promises is wrong.

 

If a relationship has failed, you leave the relationship. If you later enter into a relationship with someone else after first dissolving the initial relationship, that's okay. But entering a second relationship without first dissolving the initial relationship is wrong.

 

Kids change the dynamic completely. Once you decide to have kids, IMO you waive the right to leave the relationship absent extreme situations like physical abuse. Not feeling "fulfilled" or having the hots for someone else are not legitimate reasons to break up your children's family.

 

Bingo. Very simple. You are unhappy, say, "i'm out." Then go find your soulmate. And that applies to all relationships, not just marriage, imo.

[Eggplant]

But if we're talking about more modern, rational views that recognise that people and circumstances change, and that contracts can be broken in a myriad other ways (one party withholding sex, say, or the discovery that the spouse is a paedophile, domestic violence, or whatever) rendering them void, etc,

I wasn't asking whether divorce was immoral, but rather specifically leaving for another, as opposed to one of the reasons you've listed.

[Eggplant]

Morality is irrelevant in romance. The term all is fair in love and war applies absolutely. Winning is the most important thing. I have seen many people leave or be left by a SO for another. The person left alone is often heartbroken and suffers while the leaver is happily with someone they like more.

 

Why? Why is morality irrelevant in romance?

[KathyM]

Unless? I don't believe its ever morally acceptable to cheat. Now if the poster is talking about divorce it becomes a whole different discussion.

I interpreted the question as whether it is immoral to divorce your spouse for the purpose of having another relationship. My answer was no, unless your spouse was unfaithful, then you are free to leave the marriage and find another partner. I'm not suggesting cheating, which is not a moral thing to do, or a revenge affair. I'm saying that if a spouse cheated, then the betrayed spouse has moral grounds to leave the marriage and find another partner.

[carhill]

If leaving one person (spouse/lover/partner) for another is immoral, there are or could be a lot of immoral people in the world. Trouble is, how does anyone really know what is in another's mind? I could tell you I never left one person for another and that such is immoral and all that would be is carbon dioxide passing my vocal chords. No one knows what's in my mind.

 

I can say that is amazingly peculiar when people are 'not together' with someone for seconds/minutes/hours/days and proclaim that short respite from together as being a 'clean break'. Perhaps they are extraordinarily lucky to so quickly move from one 'life' partner to another. Who knows? Oh, right, I said that already.

 

I will say, around here, not having someone 'in the wings' is an anomaly so, at minimum, it's (leaving one spouse/lover partner for another) a socially acceptable method of prosecuting relationships. Is it right? Moral? Each person decides for themselves. Waiting around for someone who was actually 'single' kept me single for many, many years, since they would pair off with another who kept a more socially 'normal' timeline on such matters. You snooze, you lose.

[KathyM]

I interpreted the question as whether it is immoral to divorce your spouse for the purpose of having another relationship. My answer was no, unless your spouse was unfaithful, then you are free to leave the marriage and find another partner. I'm not suggesting cheating, which is not a moral thing to do, or a revenge affair. I'm saying that if a spouse cheated, then the betrayed spouse has moral grounds to leave the marriage and find another partner.

Oops, I can't edit this post. What I meant was, it is immoral to divorce your spouse for the purpose of being with somebody else, unless your spouse had been unfaithful to you, in which case, there is nothing immoral about divorcing a spouse who has been unfaithful to you, and you are then free to pursue another relationship.

[Eggplant]

If leaving one person (spouse/lover/partner) for another is immoral, there are or could be a lot of immoral people in the world.

That's a given.

 

I will say, around here, not having someone 'in the wings' is an anomaly so, at minimum, it's (leaving one spouse/lover partner for another) a socially acceptable method of prosecuting relationships. Is it right? Moral? Each person decides for themselves. Waiting around for someone who was actually 'single' kept me single for many, many years, since they would pair off with another who kept a more socially 'normal' timeline on such matters. You snooze, you lose.

Interesting ...

[carhill]

I neglected to address the children part.....

 

In my demographic and social strata, so far anyway, children have not played a significant role in 'movement'. Nearly everyone has them, both children and grandchildren (I'm very rare as a childless person around here) and such has not impeded social mobility for at least the 3+ decades I've been an adult, and that goes back to young families breaking up when I was in my 20's. I know of very few cases where people 'stayed together for the children', though that was more a feature of my parent's generation (Depression/20's/30's era kids). Practically every woman I dated had children (my exW was the only childless one) and nearly all were either involved with someone else (some married/some LTR) or were dating other men when I met them. Hence, I got to know a lot of kids (and family stories) over 20 years of dating.

 

Since demographics vary widely, so will anecdotes, as well as what the residents consider immoral or not.

[cocorico]

I wasn't asking whether divorce was immoral, but rather specifically leaving for another, as opposed to one of the reasons you've listed.

 

My point was, if you consider those reasons not to be immoral, you are less likely to consider leaving to be with another to be immoral; while if you consider those, too, to be immoral, you will more likely consider leaving to be with another to be immoral. Morality is relative and differs from person to person. More fundamentalist types would consider it immoral; more modernist, liberal types not.

[Emilia]

Is it wrong, right, moral, immoral, etc. for a person to leave his or her spouse to be with another person?

I used to think it was immoral but now I see Brad Pitt and Angeline Jolie and not so sure

[Eggplant]

So if you find yourself realizing that your feelings have changed for your spouse, and that you have feelings for someone else, or that you may have feelings for someone else, wouldn't it be more immoral for you to stay?

 

Doesn't that make for a damned if you do, damned if you don't philosophy in life?

 

Good point... I don't know.

[Eggplant]

My point was, if you consider those reasons not to be immoral, you are less likely to consider leaving to be with another to be immoral; while if you consider those, too, to be immoral, you will more likely consider leaving to be with another to be immoral.

 

I'm not sure leaving because your spouse is a pedophile is the same as leaving because your spouse is beyond her prime and you want somebody younger.

 

Morality is relative and differs from person to person. More fundamentalist types would consider it immoral; more modernist, liberal types not.

 

Yes ... everybody has his or her own opinions. That's why I'm asking -- I am curious what people individually think.

[KathyM]

So if you find yourself realizing that your feelings have changed for your spouse, and that you have feelings for someone else, or that you may have feelings for someone else, wouldn't it be more immoral for you to stay?

 

Doesn't that make for a damned if you do, damned if you don't philosophy in life?

It depends how you define morality. If you want to consider how Christians and many other religions define it, leaving your spouse to take up with someone else would be considered immoral. Temporary feelings are not supposed to determine divorce. Feelings of love come and go. Feelings of attraction come and go. God expects people to honor their marital commitment and forsake/disable their feelings for someone else. For the vast majority of the world, their morality comes from God, and God has made known that He hates divorce. He hates infidelity. That would make leaving your spouse for another an immoral act in the eyes of God.

[MissBee]

I don't think leaving your spouse for another is immoral, simply leaving or divorcing isn't immoral, it's HOW one goes about it.

 

Although, in some Christian circles, divorce is considered immoral, regardless of the reason, so for those people, yes it would be immoral.

 

I'm realistic and understand people change and maybe even when they married it wasn't a good idea, so support people choosing to leave their marriage if it is unhappy and unhealthy and not productive to where they are going in life. However, that is entirely different than carrying on a secret affair and pretending all is well at home or planning with your AP but not giving your spouse a chance to know what's what. I think those things are immoral because I do think deceit and stringing someone along are immoral things to do.

[cocorico]

It depends how you define morality. If you want to consider how Christians and many other religions define it, leaving your spouse to take up with someone else would be considered immoral. Temporary feelings are not supposed to determine divorce. Feelings of love come and go. Feelings of attraction come and go. God expects people to honor their marital commitment and forsake/disable their feelings for someone else. For the vast majority of the world, their morality comes from God, and God has made known that He hates divorce. He hates infidelity. That would make leaving your spouse for another an immoral act in the eyes of God.

 

Really? The "vast majority" of the world derive their morality from "god" - statistics, please! Given that many of the most populous countries are communist, or Buddhist, and this don't worship gods, I'd be very surprised of there were any truth in that assertion. Also, even those whose philosophies or religions do feature gods, these cannot be argued to be the same "God", nor can their morality be argued to be the same.

 

The Judeo-Christian "god", for example, supported rape of one's daughters (Lot), killing off one's underlings to enable one to marry their wives (David), having many wives and many more "concubines" - women to whom one was not married, but with whom one nonetheless had sex (Solomon, and many others), and having sex with your slaves (Abraham). How is this "making known" that "he" is a fan of fidelity, or monogamy, or any of the other popular concepts of the current Christian Right?

[cocorico]

I'm not sure leaving because your spouse is a pedophile is the same as leaving because your spouse is beyond her prime and you want somebody younger.

 

 

 

Yes ... everybody has his or her own opinions. That's why I'm asking -- I am curious what people individually think.

 

Personally - no, I don't consider it immoral.

[KathyM]

Really? The "vast majority" of the world derive their morality from "god" - statistics, please! Given that many of the most populous countries are communist, or Buddhist, and this don't worship gods, I'd be very surprised of there were any truth in that assertion. Also, even those whose philosophies or religions do feature gods, these cannot be argued to be the same "God", nor can their morality be argued to be the same.

 

The Judeo-Christian "god", for example, supported rape of one's daughters (Lot), killing off one's underlings to enable one to marry their wives (David), having many wives and many more "concubines" - women to whom one was not married, but with whom one nonetheless had sex (Solomon, and many others), and having sex with your slaves (Abraham). How is this "making known" that "he" is a fan of fidelity, or monogamy, or any of the other popular concepts of the current Christian Right?

Here's a link that shows the percentages of the world population that adhere to a particular religion, or in the case of atheists/agnostics, no religion. It shows 70% of the world's population are either Christian, Muslim or Hindu. Those three religions all believe in God (or in the case of Hindu, more than one God). They all have their own moral teachings, but one thing in common that these three main religions have is that they all teach that divorce is a sin, i.e., immoral, except in very limited circumstances. Christianity, for example, allows for divorce if one's spouse is unfaithful.

 

List of religious populations - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia