Author Searchin81 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Share Posted June 20, 2013 well u talk about Clinton but that's different thing.. what About Charles and Camilla??? Both where in love with each other, broke up, married different people and didn't realize they loved each other till years later I think theirs is one of the great love stories ever.. even though had some tragedy. But like the song says "What's love without tragedy" Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Cheaters like the high of cheating. This has nothing to do with you. I am certain you want to see this as a sign he is madly in love with you and that he is trapped in a bad marriage. However, most of the time cheaters cheat because they are cheaters. Why would Bill Clinton risk his marriage and the presidency for blow jobs in the Oval office? Gee, maybe the blow jobs in the Oval Office meant Monica Lewinsky was the love of his life. Yeah right! He is a philanderer. I'm a 'cheater' and I didn't get a 'high' off of it. I think we need to face that there is not one Cheater's Manual. There are a variety of different types of Affairs (even people who write about affairs talk about the categories) so to OP: what he was thinking really depends on the type of the affair, the personalities of the people, the affair dynamic, the marriage dynamic, etc. Frankly, I'm tired of people who have never had an affair making such blanket statements on what it's like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Why don't you ask him? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Searching...again...you're focused on your HOPE that he feels strongly about you. WHAT DOES THAT MATTER??? WHAT DOES IT CHANGE IN THE SITUATION??? Strong feelings or not...he's not changing his situation. He's still married. He's not leaving for you. You're not going to get any more out of the situation than you already have. The reality is...you're wanting more out of this...and you're hoping you have a shot at more because you're reading so much into his LITTLE, MINOR actions and trying to interpret those as MAJOR INDICATORS that something will change in the situation. What do you want from us? Sounds to me like you want us to tell you that he's in love with you. It doesn't matter if he is or he isn't...he's still married, and still with her. What else can we say to help you out here? Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 well u talk about Clinton but that's different thing.. what About Charles and Camilla??? Both where in love with each other, broke up, married different people and didn't realize they loved each other till years later I think theirs is one of the great love stories ever.. even though had some tragedy. But like the song says "What's love without tragedy" I agree, there are exceptions to the rule. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 Searching, You seem determined to obsess over this guy and nothing anyone says here - particularly that folks are in almost absolute agreement that he's using you to stroke his ego - will stop you. My advice, then, is to go ahead and stay hung up on this guy. Just don't look back and regret that you cheated yourself out of having fun, meeting new guys and all of the good relationships you could have had before eventually, as all obsessions must do, this one fades away. I see it as so sad, but perhaps I'm just tired today. Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 could be looked at like this to.. why would he risk getting caught grabbing my hand if he didn't feel it was worth it? Searchin, I’d probably be frustrated with you for continuing to be this hard-headed if I hadn’t done my own share of justifying of men’s behavior. I’d love to tell you that the reason must be because his is true love for you, but I just don’t realistically believe that. If he loved you so much that he would risk getting caught just because of the power of that love (instead because he gets a rush out of sneaking behind his wife’s back and is eventually hoping to sleep with you) don’t you think he would leave his wife for you? There’s a simple way to know if he really does love you for real. You’ve heard it from multiple people. So my question for you is why don’t you reveal your feelings and tell him to leave you alone until he’s single? If he didn’t come back, would you not be convinced that he doesn’t love you (or at least doesn’t love you as much as his wife)? Or do you already know in your heart that he doesn’t, and you just don’t want to have to face that reality? Have you considered counseling or read any self-help books? One I found helpful was “Are you the one for me?” by Barbara De Angelis. It’s a little older, so you can get it for basically just the cost of shipping on amazon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Share Posted July 2, 2013 i just want to know why it still hurts? Why are some able to move on so fast and enjoy life while for others it still hurts and takes years to fully heal? How and why did he suposubly change for the better after me? Why does he do all these things with a new person that he never even asked me to do? Why dont i like anyone else? how do i start wanting to be with someone else when i feel they dont compare and that its not gonna be the same as before? Why do i keep feeling like i lost something good? Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 i just want to know why it still hurts? Why are some able to move on so fast and enjoy life while for others it still hurts and takes years to fully heal? How and why did he suposubly change for the better after me? Why does he do all these things with a new person that he never even asked me to do? Why dont i like anyone else? how do i start wanting to be with someone else when i feel they dont compare and that its not gonna be the same as before? Why do i keep feeling like i lost something good? You are still hooked because you have never been NC for a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Share Posted July 2, 2013 not true.. i was nc for almost 1.6 years.. and he then we ran into each other.. now we dont talk every day but almost nc.. we havent text in a month.. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 not true.. i was nc for almost 1.6 years.. and he then we ran into each other.. now we dont talk every day but almost nc.. we havent text in a month.. Maybe you did not see him for 1.6 years, but you were probably thinking about him on a daily basis. If he is in your head you are not having NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Share Posted July 2, 2013 lol well thats the hard part. how do u get them out of your head.. but can you or someone address my post lol Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 i just want to know why it still hurts? Why are some able to move on so fast and enjoy life while for others it still hurts and takes years to fully heal? How and why did he suposubly change for the better after me? Why does he do all these things with a new person that he never even asked me to do? Why dont i like anyone else? how do i start wanting to be with someone else when i feel they dont compare and that its not gonna be the same as before? Why do i keep feeling like i lost something good? Losing someone hurts. Fact! Start journaling your feelings, questions by paper and pen or some word program on the computer (DO NOT do draft emails! This way you're not tempted to email him) and vent it out so you'll feel better. Most of all? Don't make this about you. You'll never know the answers to those questions about you and him. Your self esteem took a hit, that's natural after a break up. The key is, be good to yourself and don't make it worse by saying "what did I do wrong, why does he like XXX more than me" etc...etc... No good can come of that, all it does is make you feel bad and keeps in you a negative frame of mind. Let yourself really grieve and have some anger! Like screw him! I'm too good for him and this is HIS loss really, not mine. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 lol well thats the hard part. how do u get them out of your head.. but can you or someone address my post lol Check out the site mindful construct. There are many articles and blogs that can help you. Do as much reading as you can (google!) about break ups and the best way to get over someone. Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Searchin, it seems to me like you can't let go because you need to work on your self esteem. If you had strong self esteem, a guy that didn't treat you that great wouldn't even be an option. You would see right through his phony claim to have changed instead of asking why he didn't "change" for you. How and why did he suposubly change for the better after me? Why does he do all these things with a new person that he never even asked me to do? These are the types of questions I got hung up on when my self esteem was not that great, and I didn't really understand the right way to look at relationships and how to judge if a guy was relationship material. Have you done anything to work on your self esteem or read the book I suggested? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Share Posted July 2, 2013 have not got the book yet.. what was it? I will look over some of the links when i can.. But yes it is hard not to quesiton yourself. I know he did alot wrong to. I wasnt perfect either. But what hurts is how he got married so quick. and says he changed, though i wonder if he did, knowing what he does with me that his wife doesnt know. But still he appears to have made some changes... and does more with her than ever did with me. and things i wanted to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 have not got the book yet.. what was it? I will look over some of the links when i can.. But yes it is hard not to quesiton yourself. I know he did alot wrong to. I wasnt perfect either. But what hurts is how he got married so quick. and says he changed, though i wonder if he did, knowing what he does with me that his wife doesnt know. But still he appears to have made some changes... and does more with her than ever did with me. and things i wanted to do. you are having an obsession. Ask your doc for medication to control your obsession. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Share Posted July 2, 2013 lol peire if u have nothinge constructive to say.. don't say anything.. Not obsessed. Im not out stalking him. And i forget about him for a while until he started all this up again by saying stuff to me and contacting me ect. its not that im pulling things out of the air sitting around all day. i think about it and ask peoples advice here and go on with my day, and life. But its not like he has said goodbye and don't ever call me again, he contacts me regularly and does things that make me think Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 lol peire if u have nothinge constructive to say.. don't say anything.. Not obsessed. Im not out stalking him. And i forget about him for a while until he started all this up again by saying stuff to me and contacting me ect. its not that im pulling things out of the air sitting around all day. i think about it and ask peoples advice here and go on with my day, and life. But its not like he has said goodbye and don't ever call me again, he contacts me regularly and does things that make me think Love is an obsession. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 lol peire if u have nothinge constructive to say.. don't say anything.. Not obsessed. Im not out stalking him. And i forget about him for a while until he started all this up again by saying stuff to me and contacting me ect. its not that im pulling things out of the air sitting around all day. i think about it and ask peoples advice here and go on with my day, and life. But its not like he has said goodbye and don't ever call me again, he contacts me regularly and does things that make me think Er...actually, yes, you most certainly ARE obsessed with him... With why and why and why and what must he be feeling and how do i deal with him and should I and should he and when would he and why and why and why... This is what you DO: You download a call/text blocker app (there are several good free ones) and put his number in. You avoid him every time you see him - you turn the other way, go into a shop, avert your eyes, put distance between you and make sure he never touches you or you him. You delete/defriend/block him on Facebook, delete his emails, and make sure you are completely uncontactable, and unreachable by him. Start with all of this. When you have done all of this, make an appointment with a counsellor and work on your obsession. When you have been in complete, FULL No Contact for a full month - FULL No Contact - let us know how you're doing. Until you do all of the above, you're just basking in the attention he's giving you - and the attention we're giving you, because your self-esteem must be SO low, it seems to me that you'll get attention from wherever you can get it.... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
zevahc Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 i dont think the real answer is as simple as that.. nor do i think its a simple that he wants nothing to do with me and is feeding his ego. Lets just try to figure out what the motives are why he would say the things he does, why doesnt he just forget about me and not ever bother with me again. thats what i did to exs i didnt care about Searchin...you are in denial. How about instead of falling into this trap....despite what others say..just ask him. Don't play games with him and make him give honest answers. Ask plainly "What do you want? What is a text with my name supposed to mean? Why did you squeeze my hand?" Don't talk about how you still feel for him..and don't fall into his trap and give him your vunerability. It's very true...if he wants to be with you..there is nothing but going down the road of divorce to stop him. I'm an OM who is miserbable pining over someone who won't be with me...and I say won't, not can't. It's not right...and you are setting yourself up for some heartache. My 2 cents...avoid it..if he is unhappy let him dissolve his relationship...don't be his temporary "fix". But....we all make our own choices...and i'm living the consequence of mine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted July 14, 2013 Author Share Posted July 14, 2013 so you should all be proud of me.. i was supposed to go to an event a couple of days ago and a friend told me last min that he was also going to be there. I ended up not going. I dont know if this was the right or wrong thing to do. This was a mutual friend. In some ways i feel that why should i be marginalized and forced away from doing things that i want because they might be there.. i say to myself who are they that i should cower down and run because of them, why should i hide and give them the satisfaction. Another friend called me some not so polite names because i canceled and said i had no balls. Everyone wanted me there. But I gave into them and and being marginalized. What i would have to do is go there and he would pretend he didn't know me, while in reality he text me, grabs my hand behind wifes back, sends me emotional text, ect. He has done a few things in the past two weeks and i didn't take the bait, like commenting on a mutual friends face book about things he knows i normally reply to. This time i didnt do anything. He never text me back after the day he grabbed my hand. I dont text him either. I still dont understand why he has done all of this stuff. Deep down in the gut i feel like there is still something there. But im prob wrong. and gut feelings arent always exactly accurate. Maybe he is just being friendly. I wish i knew what it was that keeps making me wish i could change something in the past. I wish i could right all the wrongs and have another chance. I cant belive that i was so easily replaced that he ran off and got married so quickly, how do i ever get rid of the anger and the hurt that he instilled in me.. why do my emotions swing. I know its time to finally put this all to rest but how, When i keep feeling like something is there? How come he couldn't just say "Im married now, Nice knowing you have a good life"? But instead says things like.. if all were perfect in the world u would be here now, what if i never get to see u again, asking if i was in a relationship, texting me like we were still together. Why? And i doubt he ever thinks about this stuff. Maybe i could finally get peace if i could get an apology for how bad he hurt me. that will never happen either. I apologized for all my behavior, he did too a few years ago but it wasnt very detailed just that he everything he regretted everything he did... but then three months later got engaged. so not sure how sincere it was. But when we text last year, I was doing all the apologizing. Nothing from him. Why cant he just come out and say sorry for the way he treated me. I kinda feel thats what i need, an acknowledgment that he wasnt perfect either and a renegotiation of the pain and hurt he also inflicted on me. How can i find another person to be with when I still love another? How can i have another relationship when i want things to be the same as they once where? I miss the times i had with him and they were good. Its hard to grasp that it will never be again. Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted July 15, 2013 Share Posted July 15, 2013 Kudos on choosing not to see him. You shouldn't consider yourself as cowering. You're just staying away from him until you're over him and no longer affected by him. You don't need an apology. You need revenge, and the best revenge on someone who treated you badly is being happy without them. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts