Wondering how ex feels when he sees me

[Searchin81]

Why would he do this behind his wife back unless he felt something for me? I just don't get it. Nor has he tried to have sex with me. Mostly everything he says seems emotional.

[whichwayisup]

Why would he do this behind his wife back unless he felt something for me? I just don't get it. Nor has he tried to have sex with me. Mostly everything he says seems emotional.

 

Ego feed!

 

If he was emotionally attached and tied to you, he'd be nicer to you and careful not to hurt you, let alone play you, then disappear for months at a time.

[AnotherLife]

Why would he do this behind his wife back unless he felt something for me? I just don't get it. Nor has he tried to have sex with me. Mostly everything he says seems emotional.

 

In truth, he is the only one who can really answer that, but from what you're are telling us, it seems as plain as day, that he's doing this because he is enjoying the attention he is getting from you.

 

If you were married to him, how would you feel knowing that he is contacting an ex, being 'emotional' with her, and leading her on the way he is leading you on?

My guess is that you would be devastated.

 

If he TRULY had feelings for you [and at the least respected his wife] he would not be doing this. He would be honest with both you and his wife. He is 'doing this behind his wife's back' because:

1. you are letting him

2. the wife doesn't know.

[whichwayisup]

He is 'doing this behind his wife's back' because:

1. you are letting him

2. the wife doesn't know.

 

3. Feeds his ego.

4. feeds his ego.

5. Feeds His Ego.

 

You need to focus on other things, other people in your life! Get busy and change your number! Just do it.

[Searchin81]

I just can't understand how it feeds his ego...why would he need his ego fed? I'm sure if he needed his ego fed he coukd talk to people other than his ex.

[Lillyfree]

i'll ask again, you might have missed my post before:

what do you want out of this situation?

[AnotherLife]

I just can't understand how it feeds his ego...why would he need his ego fed? I'm sure if he needed his ego fed he coukd talk to people other than his ex.

 

Because it is simple biology...

Men love the chase.

He is getting a response from you = ego being fed.

 

As for talking to other people instead of his ex:

What makes you think that he is not playing this same game with someone else, as well as you???

[Searchin81]

not sure what i want out of the situation. i just find it hard to beleive that it is an ago feed. But he is hot and cold.. maybe confused. Said before if everthing was right i would be there, ask me if i was single, ect once then another time said some nice things and next day said that he was drunk and shoudlnt have said them

[crederer]

He does have feelings for you. He wants to be with you but his wife is keeping him on a short leash. She doesn't have sex with him. She doesn't treat him well and is refusing a divorce. As soon as she finally lets him loose he'll be all over you and treat you like a princess and you'll live happily ever after.

 

There, is that what you wanted to hear?

[Searchin81]

He does have feelings for you. He wants to be with you but his wife is keeping him on a short leash. She doesn't have sex with him. She doesn't treat him well and is refusing a divorce. As soon as she finally lets him loose he'll be all over you and treat you like a princess and you'll live happily ever after.

 

There, is that what you wanted to hear?

 

i dont think the real answer is as simple as that.. nor do i think its a simple that he wants nothing to do with me and is feeding his ego. Lets just try to figure out what the motives are why he would say the things he does, why doesnt he just forget about me and not ever bother with me again. thats what i did to exs i didnt care about

[TaraMaiden]

His motives are purely selfish.

 

Ask yourself:

 

"What will I get, out of having an affair with a married man? What will be my advantage?"

 

Then ask:

 

What will his wife get, out of her husband - a married man - having an affair with me? What will be HER advantage?"

 

Finally, ask:

 

"What will HE get - a married man with a wife he probably has sex with - out of having an affair with me? What will be HIS advantage?"

 

I think you'll find, of the three, he stands to benefit the most.

I think you'll find it easier, asking these questions, to understand exactly what his motives are, and why he would say the things he does..

 

Because he wants to have his cake and eat it.

And you my dear, are playing right into his hands....

 

Trust me, the way you feel about him now, when you realise just how much he has used you and abused the vows of his marriage - well, it won't make you feel all that good, you know.

[AnotherLife]

You have been asked an important question, and you really need to think about your answer:

"what do you want out of the situation?"

 

even if he does have feelings for you, so what?

what do you want? do you want to start a relationship with him? given that he is now MARRIED, this relationship would be an AFFAIR.

is that what you want?

 

if the answer is NO, then walk away NOW.

going down the affair road leads to nothing but devastation and broken hearts, especially for YOU and his wife!!!!!!!

the scars of an affair will be with you for the rest of your life.

do not go there!!

 

if he has real feelings for you, then he needs to sort himself out.

he is the only one that can answer "what are his motives", so why don't you just ask him?

and if he does say that he has feelings for you, then tell him to see you again AFTER he is divorced.

It is very unfair to his wife if he remains married to her when he has feelings for someone else, and even worse if he has an affair with you!!

 

If he does NOT want to divorce, then he is PLAYING you and feeding his ego!!

[Searchin81]

he would also text things like.. "oh when i get old do this for me".. and i think like im gonna be around.. Then I would say things like oh.. i wanna do this or see that ect and he will say "I wanna do that or see that to" like he wants me to ask him to do it with him. But he never asks either.

[whichwayisup]

he would also text things like.. "oh when i get old do this for me".. and i think like im gonna be around.. Then I would say things like oh.. i wanna do this or see that ect and he will say "I wanna do that or see that to" like he wants me to ask him to do it with him. But he never asks either.

 

Why are you taking every single word he says to you, to heart? I don't mean to be rude, but stop being so naive.

 

You're not really answering anybody's questions and you keep harping on and on about the little things he says to you in a text.

THAT AIN'T LOVE. He's made NO effort to end his marriage, leave and divorce his wife to be with you.

 

Anyway, this will all end when YOU want it over. When YOU get fed up with being strung along.

 

Just hope you're not sitting here, a year from now asking the same things over and over again. All the meanwhile, he's living life with his wife and family, and you're alone, waiting for him, hoping for a future because he sends you a text once in a while.

 

REALLY read the above. If you can't quit this guy, then it's time for you to seek counseling. I mean that sincerely! You're wasting your precious time on him.

[AnotherLife]

Searchin81

 

I have just realised this is not the first thread you have started on this topic.

Sorry, if I had, my posts may have been different.

 

Myself and many many others have previously suggested you are being played and primed for the role of the OW, but you do not believe this to be true.

 

You believe you really love him and he REALLY loves you, but due to circumstances outside of his control [surprise surprise], the two of you remain apart.

 

It is a tragic love story - I am sure they will make a movie about it one day.

 

Again, I apologise for having tried to give you some helpful advice.

 

I now understand that all you wanted was confirmation that he has feelings for you.

 

I think it is safe to say, he does.

 

What those feelings amount to, well that is indeed another question, and one that you are NOT asking for answers for...

Edited June 15, 2013 by AnotherLife

[AnotherLife]

One more thing...

 

If he is sending you 'emotional' messages and his wife does not know [which is the most likely scenario], then technically he IS already cheating and YOU already are the OW!

[TaraMaiden]

How do I stop having hope and projecting feelings? Belive me I want this to stop.. It's tourtue. But I do fine for whole and bam, he does something or text something that gets my mind going.

 

No you don't.

Your thread history is testimony to that.

You have absolutely no desire for this to stop at all.

You invite it, you like it, you want it and you're just playing us along for the fun of it.

You are hoping against hope in fact, that this DOES turn into a full-blown affair.

 

You ignore all advice, all questions (I see you neatly avoided answering my last post, and just came up with more whingy drivel) and I think you would actually welcome being his "bit on the side".

 

If you really want to stop having feelings, you have to do as we advise.

Otherwise all you're doing is what amounts to Tr.oll.ing.

 

just posting to get attention.

 

That's what it is.

Your self-esteem is so low, you crave attention...

From him and from us.

Because even 'negative' attention is better than no attention at all.

 

I'm out of here.

 

I expect we'll be back in a while to answer yet another thread submitted by you on "Why is my ex doing this, even though his wife is pregnant?"

[HonestNeurotic]

I just can't understand how it feeds his ego...why would he need his ego fed? I'm sure if he needed his ego fed he coukd talk to people other than his ex.

 

Of course he could talk to "other people". But you're AVAILABLE. He knows that he can have you with the right words.

 

It feeds his ego cuz he knows that he can play stop and go with you. He doesn't have to promise anything really - well, he doesn't have to KEEP any promises with you, because you will come back to him. Chances are - you are not the only one that he's attempted this with.

 

If you want this dude for your own - well - I don't think that is possible, because even if you had him, chances are, he'd still want another. He doesn't want just ONE person, but won't admit that.

 

IMHO ~ as always

[whichwayisup]

I read your other threads. My advice back then was the same as it is now. Also noticed I mentioned that it was about ego too.

 

What's going to happen next year? How long do you intend on letting this game continue on?

[TaraMaiden]

I read your other threads. My advice back then was the same as it is now. Also noticed I mentioned that it was about ego too.

 

What's going to happen next year? How long do you intend on letting this game continue on?

 

[The Way I Am]

why should i give up that easy if i love him. i always think about him. If he feels same why should i not try. no idea how he feels, but way he acts says something

 

You're right. The way he acts does say something. You're a bit off about what it's saying. It's saying he doesn't care for you enough to leave his wife.

 

No one forced him to get married. Just because you were mad at him and not talking to him doesn't mean he had to marry someone else. Especially not so soon after you last spoke to him.

 

It seems like you've written this story in your head where you're the love of each other's lives and if you hadn't cut him off, he would have married you. Who knows. You could be right. But what's done is done, and you have to live in the present.

 

In the present, he's married. The majority of married men who mess around on their wives don't leave. You're more likely to end up an emotional mess than you are to live together happily ever after. And after flirting with the guy for 2 years, if he hasn't left her for you yet, the chances are practically 0 that he ever will.

 

The fact that he got married so soon after you were together seems like he's an unhealthy person. Either he rushed into marriage or he was already seeing this woman while he was seeing you. Either way isn't encouraging. And grabbing an exes hand literally right behind his wife's back is pretty sleazy and disrespectful to the woman he *chose* to marry.

 

I recommend just ignoring and staying away from him.

 

If you just can't let go and have to know if there's a chance to be with him, set a boundary. Next time he contacts you, tell him the texts are inappropriate for a married man and he should only contact you again when he's single. If he respects you, he'll leave you alone unless he's left his wife. If he doesn't respect you enough to do that, he absolutely doesn't love you. If he contacts you again while he's still married, you can be 100% sure he is using you to feed his ego.

Edited June 17, 2013 by The Way I Am

[Searchin81]

i like the previous post.. makes a lot of sence to me. wish it just wasnt so hard. Cant stop thinking about it, and it still hurts

[Searchin81]

Its just alot to think about. I know nothing will ever come of it.. but there is still a small part of me that things something will. I know it cant be good for anyone involved though. I round so much around in my mind. If he was really in love with her.. why would he do this to her. I know if i was in love with someone I wouldnt want anything to do with my ex. I also think "he is happy why would he want me", Why does he act hot and cold. Say and do emotinal things.. ect.. His he confused? Just playing. I doubt its for an ego feed though.

[The Way I Am]

Sorry to hear you're still having a hard time with it. If you do NC, it will get easier.

 

If he was really in love with her.. why would he do this to her.

 

You're asking yourself the wrong question. The important one is if he was really in love with you, why would he be doing this to you?

 

If you were in love with a man, would you put him through the anguish he's putting you through right now?

 

Reverse the situation. If 2 years ago, he were single, and you were married to a man you didn't love, would you still be married or would you have left 2 years ago? Would you have forced the man you really love to painfully settle for nothing more than text messages while you continue to pine for him but live a miserable life with someone you don't love? Or would you be divorced and be happily living a life with the man you really love right now? If for some reason you had chose to stay married even though you loved the other man, would you keep him strung along and miserable or would you end it with him so he could find someone to be happy with?

 

It seems to me that this guy doesn't love you enough to either leave his wife or to want you to be happy with someone else. If there's any love toward you from him, it's that he loves the way that you make him feel. His actions prove that he doesn't really love you.

[Searchin81]

to be honest I did do this to him a few years ago.. that's why I feel guilty. He told me he loved me apologized for what he did wrong, .. and I felt I wanted to punish him more. I cut him off..I did play games because I wanted him to crawl back to. I Know it was foolish... and I don't need a lecture on what I did. But I realized I was wrong with a lot of what I did also. At the time I thought I was perfect. I was still in love with him and just wanted him to chase me so I played games. I wanted validation and I figured that he would work to prove his love.