Wondering how ex feels when he sees me

[Searchin81]

your points are valid and make more sense than any others here. Its really helpful and def a diffent way for me to look at it that I failed to see before.

[MissBee]

Ran into the ex the other day. we broke up a few years ago. after we broke up he married quickly. Prior to that h be said being single isnt what he thought it was going to be, i didnt belive him. We text sometimes, sometimes we become very expressive with our feelings.. its hot and cold.. we go through periods where we text a couple times a week and somtimes not for months. He thinks he is bothering me and once said "Sorry to bother you".. anyway

 

Seen him the other day.. he was with wife.. they walked by me , she went first, her back turned, and as he walked by me he quickly grabbed my hand squeezed it and conituned walking.. then text me three hours later just saying my first name. and that was it.. what is going on? does he still have feelings for me? what should i do..

 

Ignore him.

 

Don't be flattered by this. Even if he has feelings for you he chose to be married to someone else...he doesn't get to choose that then also mess with you.

 

Please don't open the door for this. If he "made a mistake" by marrying, he should fix it. But to send you cryptic messages and hold your hand behind his wife's back as invitations are sooo lame and not worth it.

[Owl]

Here's my thought.

 

It doesn't matter what he feels for you. That's really completely, and totally irrelevent.

 

He's married. He is with his wife. Happy with her or not...doesn't matter. Feelings for you or not...doesn't matter.

 

Until he changes the situation so that he is no longer with his wife...none of these things matter.

 

If he changes that dynamic...THEN there's value in asking these questions. Until then...you're simply wasting your time and energy focused on irrelevent things.

[whichwayisup]

Its just alot to think about. I know nothing will ever come of it.. but there is still a small part of me that things something will. I know it cant be good for anyone involved though. I round so much around in my mind. If he was really in love with her.. why would he do this to her. I know if i was in love with someone I wouldnt want anything to do with my ex. I also think "he is happy why would he want me", Why does he act hot and cold. Say and do emotinal things.. ect.. His he confused? Just playing. I doubt its for an ego feed though.

 

Because (some) men can easily separate love and sex. Ego feed and flirtation, wanting to screw someone IS NOT LOVE. He isn't confused at all, he knows exactly what he's doing. His actions show you this.

 

I'd be life on this that it IS an ego feed for him, but you've convinced yourself it isn't and as long as you keep those blinders on, see what you want to see, things will continue on as they are.

[Searchin81]

Because (some) men can easily separate love and sex. Ego feed and flirtation, wanting to screw someone IS NOT LOVE. He isn't confused at all, he knows exactly what he's doing. His actions show you this.

 

I'd be life on this that it IS an ego feed for him, but you've convinced yourself it isn't and as long as you keep those blinders on, see what you want to see, things will continue on as they are.

 

thing is we are not having sex... nor has he attempted to meet me for that. he seems emotional sometimes when he talks to me.. same as grabbing my hand.. and other nice things he has said to me. I just don't understand how someone could do this to his wife or to me.. why play with people. not really fair to anyone.

[AnotherLife]

thing is we are not having sex... nor has he attempted to meet me for that. he seems emotional sometimes when he talks to me.. same as grabbing my hand.. and other nice things he has said to me. I just don't understand how someone could do this to his wife or to me.. why play with people. not really fair to anyone.

 

 

You are SO RIGHT!!! What he is doing is NOT fair to anyone.

It is not fair for you.

It is not fair for his wife.

 

I am very glad that you see this.

 

Now you cannot control his behaviour. You just cannot.

But, the good news is you can control your behaviour.

 

You need to ignore his attempts to contact you.

I know that if you have feelings for him, this will be very hard, but that is the only way you are going to get off the emotional rollercoaster you are on.

 

IF he truly does have feelings for you, then he needs to be honest with his wife and end that relationship so he can be with you.

 

If you continue to communicate with him, and he does not come clean to his wife, then nothing will change, and the pain you are feeling now will continue on...

[findingnemo]

why should i give up that easy if i love him. i always think about him. If he feels same why should i not try. no idea how he feels, but way he acts says something

 

You should give up because he is married and you will end up in a long and painful affair. You should give up because it is he that made the choice to get married. You should give up because it is him that should prove to you he loves you by ending his M and coming to you unencumbered.

 

I know you feel that you both loved each other and that somehow his M was done at the spur of the moment. This may be true but it doesn't change things. Let him decide to put you first. Whether you will be together or not, as a couple, is in his control right now. If you agree to see him, he will have no reason to leave. He will stay married with you on the side.

[Searchin81]

I just wonder if he could be nervous to express his feelings.. sometimes he does but seems like he stops himself. I don't express how I feel to him either.. he has no idea how I feel as I haven't told him either. Sometimes I say nice things to him and he thinks im joking.

[Owl]

I just wonder if he could be nervous to express his feelings.. sometimes he does but seems like he stops himself. I don't express how I feel to him either.. he has no idea how I feel as I haven't told him either. Sometimes I say nice things to him and he thinks im joking.

 

Have you considered my post below?

 

Here's my thought.

 

It doesn't matter what he feels for you. That's really completely, and totally irrelevent.

 

He's married. He is with his wife. Happy with her or not...doesn't matter. Feelings for you or not...doesn't matter.

 

Until he changes the situation so that he is no longer with his wife...none of these things matter.

 

If he changes that dynamic...THEN there's value in asking these questions. Until then...you're simply wasting your time and energy focused on irrelevent things.

[whichwayisup]

i like the previous post.. makes a lot of sence to me. wish it just wasnt so hard. Cant stop thinking about it, and it still hurts

 

It's hard because you won't let go. You are obsessing about him, constantly thinking of him and analyzing all his texts and reading into them. Stop, just stop! Start living YOUR life and get busy! He isn't thinking of you 24/7, he is busy living his life!

 

Its just alot to think about. I know nothing will ever come of it.. but there is still a small part of me that things something will. I know it cant be good for anyone involved though. I round so much around in my mind. If he was really in love with her.. why would he do this to her. I know if i was in love with someone I wouldnt want anything to do with my ex. I also think "he is happy why would he want me", Why does he act hot and cold. Say and do emotinal things.. ect.. His he confused? Just playing. I doubt its for an ego feed though.

 

It IS for an ego feed. He isn't confused at all. He loves his wife and they life they share, he just enjoys extra attention. Many men love attention from women in general. You give it to him and react -- That doesn't mean he loves you and is going to divorce his wife and be with you. Fact!

 

to be honest I did do this to him a few years ago.. that's why I feel guilty. He told me he loved me apologized for what he did wrong, .. and I felt I wanted to punish him more. I cut him off..I did play games because I wanted him to crawl back to. I Know it was foolish... and I don't need a lecture on what I did. But I realized I was wrong with a lot of what I did also. At the time I thought I was perfect. I was still in love with him and just wanted him to chase me so I played games. I wanted validation and I figured that he would work to prove his love.

 

Stop playing games. See, back then this was an ego feed to you, so don't you think now it's possible he is using you for an ego feed? Give that some thought.

 

I just wonder if he could be nervous to express his feelings.. sometimes he does but seems like he stops himself. I don't express how I feel to him either.. he has no idea how I feel as I haven't told him either. Sometimes I say nice things to him and he thinks im joking.

He isn't into you that way, if he was, he wouldn't be doing this to you. But, you're letting him so this will continue on and on and on.

 

Are you happy with this senario?

[Searchin81]

which, you are right.. I doubt he spends time thinking of me.. I don't spend 24/7 thinking about it but I do think about it. I have a hard time liking any other guys. I was fine and haven't thought about this in months till I seen him last week and he grabbed my hand then three hours later text me.. That was a curve ball that screwed my head up bad

 

then when I talked to him.. he tells me how he changed, aynd is a new person.. why wasn't he like that with me? what was wrong with me that now he is supposedly a better guy.. I say supposedly because I know what he is doing behind his wife back. But what was wrong with me that he didn't make these changes. after we broke up he told me being single wasn't what he thought it was going to be.. then wanted to get back with me but I wasn't going for it.. and wanted to make him pay. and what happens.. he ran off and married someone with in a year

Edited June 19, 2013 by Searchin81

[Searchin81]

it just hurts still that's all.

[Owl]

I must be on ignore...I'll say it one last time in the hopes that I'm not.

 

Searching...what he's feeling is irrelevent if he's not acting on those feelings. If he's still married to her...choosing to remain married to her, in fact...all the conjecture in the world about what he's feeling won't matter...won't change anything.

 

You're better served on focusing on yourself instead.

[Pierre]

what is going on? does he still have feelings for me? what should i do..

 

He likes you. Would like to be with you, if you do not mind his marital status..

There you go!!

[Pierre]

i think he may still have feelings for me

 

Yes, he does. Why is that important?

[Pierre]

Why would he do this behind his wife back unless he felt something for me? I just don't get it. Nor has he tried to have sex with me. Mostly everything he says seems emotional.

 

He must be extremely unhappy in his marriage. Otherwise, why would a red blood man flirt with other women? He must be in a very bad marriage.

 

Seriously, I think the guy is a cheater.

[Searchin81]

He must be extremely unhappy in his marriage. Otherwise, why would a red blood man flirt with other women? He must be in a very bad marriage.

 

Seriously, I think the guy is a cheater.

 

I cant tell if your being serious or sarcastic?

[Searchin81]

I must be on ignore...I'll say it one last time in the hopes that I'm not.

 

Searching...what he's feeling is irrelevent if he's not acting on those feelings. If he's still married to her...choosing to remain married to her, in fact...all the conjecture in the world about what he's feeling won't matter...won't change anything.

 

You're better served on focusing on yourself instead.

 

I agree with this statment but easier said than done.. I do focus on myself but still think of him while im doing it

[Pierre]

I agree with this statment but easier said than done.. I do focus on myself but still think of him while im doing it

 

How old are you?

 

I can believe you are out of options!

[Searchin81]

im not out of options. I don't like the options. Haven't felt the same about anyone. I didn't realize how good it was with my ex till it was to late. I really didn't appreciate him enough. It really is awful that I realized it to late

[georgia girl]

Searching,

 

Here's my take and it may hurt your feelings but it also may be a huge wakeup call. There's a guy in our office who is newly married and a new partner. He is young, has a really sweet, pretty wife and they're actually working on having their first child.

 

He's got it all and he kinda knows it. (Although thankfully, he also knows he has a lot to learn and with us older partners, we don't see the frivolous, flirtatious side that is obviously well known to the other staff.)

 

Anyway, there is a woman in the office with whom he had a flirtation back when he was in school and clerked for us during the summer. She's still got a thing for him.

 

What does this guy do? He flirts with her all the time and she just responds like crazy. Her all-day talk - according to one of my staff members - is about him when he's in full charm mode. He really isn't interested in her. He just gets off on her attention. It strokes his ego big time. Then, when things get busy at work or busy at home, etc., he doesn't have a thing to do with her.

 

Your guy sounds a lot like this guy. He's immature. He still needs the high of being found attractive by the opposite sex. But in the end, I don't think it means anything. And I think, to be painfully blunt, that you are way too responsive to him. You're holding onto a fantasy of what you thought you lost and hoping like heck that you get another shot at it.

 

In the meantime, I bet there are me who have asked you out and you've totally dismissed because they just don't compare to this guy. Please don't do this to yourself. Shut that door and get over him - which is really a fake version of him that you've built up in your mind. And then find the right guy to date. You really are cheating yourself.

 

Hugs. I wish I hadn't been so harsh. GG.

[HonestNeurotic]

It sounds as if your real dilemma is that you feel that you let "the right one" get away. And now you have regrets - that "wishing it was" kinda feeling.

 

So - declare your love for him - see what happens - and move on. If he DID still love you - and wanted an affair - would that be enough for you? I don't think so. I think you're wanting the one that got away.

 

It's easy to have tragic romantic notions when we're feeling alone. If I were your friend in real life - I would tell you to got out there and date. Meet new people. Whether or not a romantic connection comes about, new experiences can keep your mind busy from the preoccupation that you have.

 

IMHO ~ as always

[The Way I Am]

to be honest I did do this to him a few years ago.. that's why I feel guilty. He told me he loved me apologized for what he did wrong, .. and I felt I wanted to punish him more. I cut him off..I did play games because I wanted him to crawl back to. I Know it was foolish... and I don't need a lecture on what I did. But I realized I was wrong with a lot of what I did also. At the time I thought I was perfect. I was still in love with him and just wanted him to chase me so I played games. I wanted validation and I figured that he would work to prove his love.

 

I don't think you need lectured on that. If anything, you're probably holding onto too much guilt over how you treated him before.

 

Everyone has been insecure and played some games at some point. I know I've done it. Looking back, I realized that every time I did something stupid like that, it was because the guy gave me a reason to feel insecure, because his feelings for me were not as strong as my feelings. He had enough feelings for me to come back and apologize, but never enough to really treat me in a way that made me feel secure.

 

Did you want him to chase you because you weren't secure about his feelings for you? Maybe you behaved the way you did because you could sense then that his feelings were not as strong as yours.

 

I just wonder if he could be nervous to express his feelings.. sometimes he does but seems like he stops himself. I don't express how I feel to him either.. he has no idea how I feel as I haven't told him either. Sometimes I say nice things to him and he thinks im joking.

 

That's not an unreasonable theory. He could be nervous to express his feelings. The hand grab seems telling to me though. It takes a lot of balls to grab the hand of another woman a few feet from your wife. Even for a single person walking up a a man or woman whose feelings you're unsure of and grabbing their hand like that is ballsy. Imagine some other guy you have feelings for but aren't sure if he likes you, and you're nervous about expressing your feelings. Would you ever dare to walk up and grab his hand like that?

 

To me, and I think to most people looking at this objectively from the outside, it seems like the behavior of a person who knows they have the other person on a string and gets a rush out of it.

 

then when I talked to him.. he tells me how he changed, aynd is a new person.. why wasn't he like that with me?

 

His behavior is not any reflection on you. Assuming he actually had made any changes in himself, he didn't make them for anyone else. People really only change for themselves. But that's a moot point, because you know he didn't really change!! It's just a line to keep you hooked.

 

But you've got me wondering if you really love him or if you're stuck on him because you need validation that you're someone worth changing for -- or leaving a wife for.

 

I have a hard time liking any other guys.

 

 

I'm not surprised. Until you let go of the idea you have of how things could be with this guy, you're never going to give other guys a fair chance.

 

You're still holding onto the idea that he's going to leave his marriage for you. There's evidence already that he isn't going to. But if you still aren't convinced, you need to put the ball in his court so you can stop wondering and analyzing. Tell him, "I still have feelings for you. And I think our contact is inappropriate because you're married. Call me only when you're single."

 

If you can't say that to him, you need to ask yourself why. If the answer is because you're afraid he won't leave his wife and won't be with you, then I think you do already know what's what, you're just not willing to accept it so you can move on.

 

Letting go will be hard, but in the long run, it'll be a lot less painful than being in this same situation for another 2+ years.

[Searchin81]

could be looked at like this to.. why would he risk getting caught grabbing my hand if he didn't feel it was worth it?

 

With another one of my ex's I seen him once, he shook my hand introduced me to his new gf and that was it. He didn't seem to be sneaky or hiding anything.. and he messaged me on fb saying it was nice to see me.. I didn't answer back, I had no interest.. but it was all done nicely. With THIS ex, he seems very nervous around me and rarely mentions the wife, nor introduced me..

[Pierre]

could be looked at like this to.. why would he risk getting caught grabbing my hand if he didn't feel it was worth it?

 

 

Cheaters like the high of cheating. This has nothing to do with you. I am certain you want to see this as a sign he is madly in love with you and that he is trapped in a bad marriage. However, most of the time cheaters cheat because they are cheaters.

 

 

Why would Bill Clinton risk his marriage and the presidency for blow jobs in the Oval office? Gee, maybe the blow jobs in the Oval Office meant Monica Lewinsky was the love of his life. Yeah right!

 

He is a philanderer.

Edited June 20, 2013 by Pierre