J_L_C Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 I am wondering if anyone has experience dating someone, men specifically, with NPD. If so, what have your experiences been like? Link to post Share on other sites
Appleness Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 Was he actually diagnosed, or are you just guessing? If he was diagnosed, then expect pain... lots and lots of pain. Imagine an alcoholic having to fight their addiction every minute of the day except in this case, he's fighting the urge to suck their vibrancy of who you are out of your life because he needs you to know that he is always better than you and that you should worship him. Expect him to always put himself first and for him to get mad at you if you don't put his interests before you consider your own. There may or may not be verbal and emotional abuse. In my experience in seeing it happen to a close friend, she was a shell of who she was by the time she divorced her ex-husband. She's still terrified of him to this day. Granted, the honeymoon period (when they are proving how great they are) is exciting but not worth the aftermath. If you decide to go through with it, make sure you have a good support system and that you get counseling if things hit a rough patch. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 I did. He wasnt officially diagnosed but I'll be damned if he didnt fit every single trait to a "t". It was a painful experience to say the least. He was a cheater and liar. He always needed to feel wanted by women. Lord knows how many times he cheated that I didn't know about. My advice? steer clear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
destroyed4sho Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 Ive dated both a NPder as well. The way they treat you is as follows: They first idolize you, they create a magical fantasy world and you are the star, they say they love you quickly, mirror your interests and personality, you fall for it thinking you met "the one" your "soulmate" because you feel you are the SAME, you idolize them back, treat them well, are infatuated, but deep down inside you feel that something is just not right. Five months in, the realities of life set in, you realize something in them is lacking, they are not supporting you emotionally, they want you to act happy around them all the time and idolize them constantly (narcissistic supply), the conversations are mostly about them, they are not meeting your emotional or physical needs and when you try to talk to them about it, they get angry and the abuse begins, you are confused, think its all your fault, you try to fix it but are not giving anything back in the relationship. You apologize to things that are logically not your fault. They NEVER apologize for anything and try to make you believe its your fault and that you are crazy. They start to devalue you. Mental Abuse, putting your down, blaming, anger, yelling, calling you horrible names. You think its all your fault. They have started the splitting process and now you are all bad. They leave you in the most horrific way, cold and cruel and they love it! IT boosts their ego and provides them with narcissistic supply to abandon you in this way. The more hurt you appear, the bigger dose of NS they receive. (In your case, his NS supply was so big that he had to jerk off to it) They may contact you here and there because they always want YOU to REMEMBER them and keep wanting them because that is also a form of NS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author J_L_C Posted June 16, 2013 Author Share Posted June 16, 2013 Ive dated both a NPder as well. The way they treat you is as follows: They first idolize you, they create a magical fantasy world and you are the star, they say they love you quickly, mirror your interests and personality, you fall for it thinking you met "the one" your "soulmate" because you feel you are the SAME, you idolize them back, treat them well, are infatuated, but deep down inside you feel that something is just not right. Five months in, the realities of life set in, you realize something in them is lacking, they are not supporting you emotionally, they want you to act happy around them all the time and idolize them constantly (narcissistic supply), the conversations are mostly about them, they are not meeting your emotional or physical needs and when you try to talk to them about it, they get angry and the abuse begins, you are confused, think its all your fault, you try to fix it but are not giving anything back in the relationship. You apologize to things that are logically not your fault. They NEVER apologize for anything and try to make you believe its your fault and that you are crazy. They start to devalue you. Mental Abuse, putting your down, blaming, anger, yelling, calling you horrible names. You think its all your fault. They have started the splitting process and now you are all bad. They leave you in the most horrific way, cold and cruel and they love it! IT boosts their ego and provides them with narcissistic supply to abandon you in this way. The more hurt you appear, the bigger dose of NS they receive. (In your case, his NS supply was so big that he had to jerk off to it) They may contact you here and there because they always want YOU to REMEMBER them and keep wanting them because that is also a form of NS. It's like you personally know my ex. The above, is him to a "t". Exactly what I experienced and how weird to read it all and complete check off each behavior you mentioned. The only difference is that anytime I reached out to him, he essentially wrote me off telling me he hopes I live a great life away from him. I definitely won't ever be hearing from this guy again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
destroyed4sho Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 It's like you personally know my ex. The above, is him to a "t". Exactly what I experienced and how weird to read it all and complete check off each behavior you mentioned. The only difference is that anytime I reached out to him, he essentially wrote me off telling me he hopes I live a great life away from him. I definitely won't ever be hearing from this guy again. It is really tough dealing with the aftermath from a relationship with a NPD. Your mind keeps reverting to the time he idolized you and the magical fantasy world they created and the future they promised you. You think that was the Real Him and that you lost THAT person. The reality is he was never THAT person to begin with. All that was, was an illusion he created along with the magical fantasy world so that he can extract NS from you. The fantasy includes YOU giving them constant NS supply. I do not believe that they do this purposefully or they plan to do this. This is ideally the world they DO want to live in and they SEEK this magical world with someone that will play along with them. The problem with this is that they can't do this with someone normal that has needs and expects them to give back. They can't function in a mutual loving and giving relationship -- A REAL LOVING RELATIONSHIP. They COULD function with someone that has no needs or self-esteem and lives their life just to please them the way they want to be pleased through NS supply. Someone that will unquestionably give them NS supply without expecting anything in return. No complaining, feeling hurt, communication, compromising, confrontation, asking for support etc....these are all big NO NO's to a NPDer. As soon as these relationship needs surface, the splitting starts and you are evil and bad and the devaluation begins. WHY? because they realize you cannot play your part in the magical fantasy world they seek. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 he needs you to know that he is always better than you and that you should worship him. Expect him to always put himself first and for him to get mad at you if you don't put his interests before you consider your own. There may or may not be verbal and emotional abuse. In my experience in seeing it happen to a close friend, she was a shell of who she was by the time she divorced her ex-husband. She's still terrified of him to this day. Granted, the honeymoon period (when they are proving how great they are) is exciting but not worth the aftermath. Exactly this, and much worse... I had an experience with a man who I suspect had NPD (though I doubt he had sought help in order to get diagnosed). He demonstrated the classic symptoms of NPD. He'd ignore me for days, devalue me, punish me for not adhering to his expectations (which I was supposed to guess) by going MIA and not answering texts, etc., then, if I stopped contacting him, get back in contact and accuse me of giving him the silent treatment because I didn't beg him to talk to me, etc. If I DID beg him to talk to me, he'd devalue me and dump me. Then a week or two later, he'd contact me again and suggest getting back together, with no apologies. Always expected me to apologize, walk on eggshells, read his mind, and he never, not once, did apologize. Avoid. Just avoid. And run away from one as fast as you can. If you value your sanity, that is. He was also a cheater. I suspect they usually are, because it feeds into their narcissism. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 they are not supporting you emotionally, they want you to act happy around them all the time and idolize them constantly (narcissistic supply), the conversations are mostly about them, they are not meeting your emotional or physical needs and when you try to talk to them about it, they get angry and the abuse begins, you are confused, think its all your fault, you try to fix it but are not giving anything back in the relationship. You apologize to things that are logically not your fault. They NEVER apologize for anything and try to make you believe its your fault and that you are crazy. They start to devalue you. Mental Abuse, putting your down, blaming, anger, yelling, calling you horrible names. You think its all your fault. They have started the splitting process and now you are all bad. They leave you in the most horrific way, cold and cruel and they love it! IT boosts their ego and provides them with narcissistic supply to abandon you in this way. The more hurt you appear, the bigger dose of NS they receive. They may contact you here and there because they always want YOU to REMEMBER them and keep wanting them because that is also a form of NS. OMG YES. YES. Just YES. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 (edited) They COULD function with someone that has no needs or self-esteem and lives their life just to please them the way they want to be pleased through NS supply. Someone that will unquestionably give them NS supply without expecting anything in return. No complaining, feeling hurt, communication, compromising, confrontation, asking for support etc....these are all big NO NO's to a NPDer. As soon as these relationship needs surface, the splitting starts and you are evil and bad and the devaluation begins. WHY? because they realize you cannot play your part in the magical fantasy world they seek. YES. It's just jawdropping how everything that practically everyone has said here, describes my ex to a t. Mine even got a whore-mistress in Thailand . He went there 4 times a year and had his sex tourism vacation, and kept in touch with her year-long, but she didn't have expectations of him because she wasn't looking for a relationship (but looking for the highest bidder who would send her money, etc.). It was a mutually beneficial arrangement (and I am guessing she did this with multiple men). But of course, that was not enough for him, because he didn't get as much attention from her as he would've liked, so he had me on the side as well, as additional narcissistic supply. The sex was so little and so selfish, all about him getting blowjobs. Very promiscuous sexual behaviour (wanted to essentially pimp me out and get me to have a threesome with another girl and him, and then suggested that I suck off another guy in his presence). Zero respect for me. He used to text me in the mornings, but he stopped all of a sudden. He reduced texting to one text a day. When I asked what was up, denied there was a change in his behaviour, accused me of imagining things, accused ME of not contacting him (when I never stopped texting him in the mornings, and at night before going to bed), he got mad at me, and told me I was moody, that I was selfish, etc. Threatened to block me on his phone if I kept it up..... I didn't contact him, then he got mad at me for not contacting him, and accused me of being moody again.... I just didn't know what to do at that point... I once told him that my uncle had died, and he didn't even bother to say "I'm sorry to hear that" or "are you ok?".... He then started bitching about how he hates working in the town where he was working because it was boring and women were always in the house and no woman would look at him (he was working abroad, in a conservative area of Turkey) and kept talking to me about that..... just like that... a seamless switch from hearing me talk about my uncle having passed away, to talking about how he hated staying in that city, because there were no women going about town and serving as his narcissistic supply. Edited June 16, 2013 by NoMoreJerks Link to post Share on other sites
destroyed4sho Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 nomorejerks- NPDers do not see you as an individual person with needs or feelings, instead they see you as a head attached to a body that can give them NS Supply. You are not a real person, that is why he treated you like this and didn't care about your loss. They ALWAYS find ways to blame you even when it is clearly their fault. They constantly gaslight you. It is all just so sad, for them and the victims. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 (edited) nomorejerks- NPDers do not see you as an individual person with needs or feelings, instead they see you as a head attached to a body that can give them NS Supply. You are not a real person, that is why he treated you like this and didn't care about your loss. They ALWAYS find ways to blame you even when it is clearly their fault. They constantly gaslight you. It is all just so sad, for them and the victims. He also wanted to keep me hidden away from everyone, didn't want them to see who his "gf" was because he was clearly embarrassed of me, but he did brag to his co-workers about how I had huge boobs and how I gave the best blowjobs. I think he also showed them explicit pics of me that I had sent him. When he came to visit me, he texted his co-workers and told them that he had just had a threesome with me and another girl (a blatant lie, of course -- and it made me furious that he had made them think of me in that way, and as being ok with that), and then told me, now that I've told them that, I need pictures to prove it because they're going to ask for it. He sometimes implied that I was a whore. One time, they sent one of his co-workers to my city, instead of him, and he was so paranoid I would have sex with the guy (I had zero contact with the guy, didn't know what he looked like, etc.), and so passive-aggressive, he old me, my coworker is coming to town, why don't you go suck him off? And to think that I even stayed with this guy.. OMG. I was insane. But part of the problem was, as soon as I was about to get over him following one of his frequent break-ups, he would text me, call me, want to get back together with me, and I always believe he would change and for a little while things were "normal." When he came to visit me, he told me off so many times in the middle of the street, literally yelled at me and told me to shut up, because I was wondering about a bank problem I was having.. he claimed it was getting him stressed... yes, of course... that matters more than my bank problem... he was getting stressed by me talking about one of my problems. Yup. When I suggested going to visit him in the UK, meeting his parents, etc., he did not want me to. I suspect it was partly the whole thing about him being ashamed of me being his "gf", and partly maybe because he had a mistress there as well (he told me he had something going on with a married woman there, but that it was before he met me , but of course, I suspect it went on right until the very end of our "relationship"). Edited June 16, 2013 by NoMoreJerks Link to post Share on other sites
destroyed4sho Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 He also wanted to keep me hidden away from everyone, didn't want them to see who his gf was because he was clearly embarrassed of me, but he did brag to his co-workers about how I had huge boobs and how I gave the best blowjobs. I think he also showed them explicit pics of me that I had sent him. When he came to visit me, he texted his co-workers and told them that he had just had a threesome with me and another girl (a blatant lie, of course), and then told me, now that I've told them that, I need pictures to prove it because they're going to ask for it. He sometimes implied that I was a whore. One time, they sent one of his co-workers to my city, instead of him, and he was so paranoid I would have sex with the guy (I had zero contact with the guy, didn't know what he looked like, etc.), and so passive-aggressive, he old me, my coworker is coming to town, why don't you go suck him off? Yes, mine did same. So typical. Took photos of me without even knowing, like when I was sleeping. She had a whole entire collection of pics of previous exes to blow up her ego and feed her NS supply and brag to friends. :(:( 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 Yes, mine did same. So typical. Took photos of me without even knowing, like when I was sleeping. She had a whole entire collection of pics of previous exes to blow up her ego and feed her NS supply and brag to friends. :(:( Oh, yeah, he did take pics of me while I was asleep, but I also sent him pics, because I was naive enough to trust him and thought that it would help our LDR. He also kept all the pics of his exes including explicit pics he had taken of them, and he even showed me some. Link to post Share on other sites
destroyed4sho Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 When he came to visit me, he told me off so many times in the middle of the street, literally yelled at me and told me to shut up, because I was wondering about a bank problem I was having.. he claimed it was getting him stressed... yes, of course... that matters more than my bank problem... he was getting stressed by me talking about one of my problems. Yup. . How dare you have a bank problem?? How could you?? ...Just shut up and lets get back to talking about MEEEE !! lol:rolleyes::rolleyes: OMG,,, yelling at me on the street was my exes favorite pastime. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 How dare you have a bank problem?? How could you?? ...Just shut up and lets get back to talking about MEEEE !! lol:rolleyes::rolleyes: OMG,,, yelling at me on the street was my exes favorite pastime. I once literally was so frustrated at him yelling at me on the street, that i nearly cried right then and there. i was really battling tears. It was so humiliating and frustrating. Even then, I didn't say or do anything. He never apologized, nor did he think he did anything wrong. He kept bringing it up (me talking about my bank problem while he was here on vacation) as something bad I had done. Man. I felt like I was being scolded like a kindergarten kid. Link to post Share on other sites
Cheapmondays Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 I recently just got out of a relationship with a narcissist. They want you to live in their world. They love the romance, the attention, admiration, adoration, promises of ideal love but as soon as you cross the line and ask for a committed relationship that's when they seek someone that will adhere to all their needs. These men/women are addictive to be with believe me, I can't tell you how much I was manipulated into thinking everything was my fault, that there was something wrong with me. In reality, that's not the case. These men and women will never be content with what they have and it's ironic that the same love that they yearn for, is the same love they are mentally incapable of having. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 This is all part Madonna/whore complex narcs have. Mine would want me to dress up and invite over men to flirt with, it offended me. I didn't understand then that he needed to see other people find me attractive because it was extra supply for him, a validation that I, his source, was "hot". He also got off on the demeaning a "good girl" I think, the fact that I was willing to degrade myself for him. Then he would get turned off the second after he came and start insulting me. He secretly taped me too, and would show it to his friends, he got off on them thinking I was good looking. His sex was lame. I had to do all the work and he never touched my vagina. I didn't have a single orgasm with him in six years. I can't believe I ever put up with that crap! But in the end it trained me well why it's important for my OWN safety to tell off anyone who mistreats me right away. Wow. It's actually scary, because your ex sounds just like mine. It's like they're carbon copies of each other. Their behaviours are so similar.... My ex did EXACTLY the same sh*t yours did... OMG. :confused::eek: Link to post Share on other sites
AHoleLotOfCrazy Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I am currently dating a narcissist. We've been together for 3 years and it's been quite difficult. Things have been much better in the past year though. He is now aware of his issues which he was not before and he is making extreme efforts. He definitely still has his "tantrums" and selfish behavior, but he apologizes after the fact and he has definitely stepped up in trying to be more loving and understanding. I'm not one to back down and I call him on his crap and I don't let him twist things on me. I don't believe that narcissists cannot love. He "puts up" with me because he loves me, not because I'm supplying him with anything (which I will admit I did in the beginning because I was very confused). I also see the love he has for his son and it is genuine. His views of the world, and women in general, are very skewed. A lot of that is due to his issues with his mother and his childhood. Things are far from perfect, but I love him and he is trying and that is all I can ask from him. Link to post Share on other sites
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