I Cheated, He left me

[Begging4Forgiveness]

The thought of cheating had never even crossed my mind even with the dozens of men approaching me at work and other places. I am not making excuses or justifying it when I say that I had warned my husband for over a year that he wasn't giving me everything that I needed when I felt like I was giving 110% and got absolutely no appreciation for it. Well my mama called me selfish, but I told her a selfish person would have not tolerated it so long. We have a 3 year old and have been together 9 years and didn't really want to leave him, it was more about the attention from the other man that I was lacking from my husband. The first time I went off with the other man, I left my husband because we had always agreed that if we ever wanted to be with someone else, we would end it before hand instead of cheating. I still felt terrible about what I had done. And soon I started feeling like I hated my husband and he begged me back and was so sweet and loving to me (the side of him I hadn't seen in a few years that if he'd only shown me before I wouldn't have went and got elsewhere), so I decide to end the affair and move back with my husband and daughter. Throughout this whole time my husband had no idea I was with the other man. After a few weeks the guilt became too much and I told my husband that I had cheated on him once and didn't say who it was with. He didn't take it too well, but was willing to forgive me. Well then a few weeks later, it started back up and this time things became more intense and emotional and plans to move in together were made on his part but I was not sure about leaving my husband again. Well my husband found a text and called the number and got the other mans voicemail and realized who it was and flipped out bad. He left and I cried and begged him to take back once again and things were going good. Then I screw up and go hang out with friends who helped me sneak around a till like midnight one night and the next thing I know all his stuff is packed and he went and stayed with his brother. Husband believes I was with the other man that night by then the affair was definitely over and I begged my husband to come home and that it took losing him to realize what a good thing we had. Around May my SIL told me husband was moving out I got really exited believing he would come home to me that was not the case. My husband did move out but he decided to rent a beach house with his brother where he’s currently living.

 

 

Any advice on how I can’t win my husband back. Please I just want the 3 of to be a family again

[Forever Learning]

Finding peace is a process, and it takes time.

 

I don't have exact suggestions for you as to how to get your husband back.

 

However, I suggest individual counseling for you, and anti-depressants if you find yourself slipping into depression.

 

Read all the self help and relationship books you can find, you don't have to buy them, many you can get at the library.

 

All these things will help you grow and find peace. All the best to you.

[TigerCub]

Hey B4F,

 

Here's the thing...

You screwed up, he forgave you and you hurt him again.

Any person in his shoes would think/know that they would be a fool to forgive again.

 

Even though he left you over what he thought was you starting with the OM again, when you weren't - and maybe you feel that it's not fair because you weren't with the OM - It still shows how hard life is for a betrayed spouse to trust in the one that betrayed them (so soon after the incident).

 

This just showed that it's not that easy to make a relationship work after infidelity.

 

Honestly, do you think you deserve a 3rd chance?

I'm not asking this to be mean, but he forgave you the first time and you cheated on him again, why do you think that you should get another mulligan?

 

You could talk to him and promise to be transparent with everything, and promise not to see those friends that helped you cheat, not to see the OM (obviously) EVER - and to give him passwords to everything and to commit to marriage counseling and all that - but you have to prepare yourself for the big possibility that he could still say 'Hells to the No!"

 

Not only have you hurt his pride, and his heart, you taught him about the pain that accompanies trusting you - I would imagine that it would be so very hard for him to even entertain the thought of doing it again.

[oldshirt]

If Mr Begging' were to come on here saying that his wife had cheated multiple times and kept going back to the OM after promising not to and sneaking around with friends covering for her in the middle of the night, do you think we should advise him to stick his neck out on the chopping block one more time or do you think we should advise him to protect himself and his relationship with his child and leave the cheating whore in the dust as he moves on with his life.

 

Quite frankly the only reason you are wanting him to keep you around is to give you the safety and security and comfort of being in a two-parent home for your child. You were just enjoying the comfort and security and enjoying his companionship, financial resources and assistance with raising your child.

 

He was offering you that and providing you that under the condition that you not screw other guys. But you wanted your cake too and you got caught.

 

The reason you are panicking now is you realize you are probably going to lose your security blanket and safety net. It's not because you actually love and desire him.

 

If he takes you back he will show himself as a doormat and a pussy and you will not have any respect or admiration for him and you will continue to use him as a bill payer and a babysitter while you continue to screw "real men" in your eyes.

 

He'd be a fool and a chump to take you back. women don't like fools and chumps so you'd be shooting yourself in the foot and setting yourself up for future failures.

[Ninja'sHusband]

The thought of cheating had never even crossed my mind even with the dozens of men approaching me at work and other places. I am not making excuses or justifying it when I say that I had warned my husband for over a year that he wasn't giving me everything that I needed when I felt like I was giving 110% and got absolutely no appreciation for it. Well my mama called me selfish, but I told her a selfish person would have not tolerated it so long. We have a 3 year old and have been together 9 years and didn't really want to leave him, it was more about the attention from the other man that I was lacking from my husband. The first time I went off with the other man, I left my husband because we had always agreed that if we ever wanted to be with someone else, we would end it before hand instead of cheating. I still felt terrible about what I had done. And soon I started feeling like I hated my husband and he begged me back and was so sweet and loving to me (the side of him I hadn't seen in a few years that if he'd only shown me before I wouldn't have went and got elsewhere), so I decide to end the affair and move back with my husband and daughter. Throughout this whole time my husband had no idea I was with the other man. After a few weeks the guilt became too much and I told my husband that I had cheated on him once and didn't say who it was with. He didn't take it too well, but was willing to forgive me. Well then a few weeks later, it started back up and this time things became more intense and emotional and plans to move in together were made on his part but I was not sure about leaving my husband again. Well my husband found a text and called the number and got the other mans voicemail and realized who it was and flipped out bad. He left and I cried and begged him to take back once again and things were going good. Then I screw up and go hang out with friends who helped me sneak around a till like midnight one night and the next thing I know all his stuff is packed and he went and stayed with his brother. Husband believes I was with the other man that night by then the affair was definitely over and I begged my husband to come home and that it took losing him to realize what a good thing we had. Around May my SIL told me husband was moving out I got really exited believing he would come home to me that was not the case. My husband did move out but he decided to rent a beach house with his brother where he’s currently living.

 

 

Any advice on how I can’t win my husband back. Please I just want the 3 of to be a family again

Your best chance is to move on at this point...and that chance is pretty terrible. Sorry to be so blunt but you made pretty much the worst decision you could have through the entire thing(except admitting the affair on your own, that was good...but you trickled truthed badly). How could he possibly trust you again? I certainly wouldn't. He already tried to reconcile and give you more chances, he knows how that ends now. He already fell for begging and got burned.

 

With your next guy

1) Be extremely clear about what you need in the relationship and how serious it is. No wife code that men do not understand. Try to get into marriage counseling if necessary, or go by yourself. Don't do like my ex and try to get him to go solo...he won't really get why he's going and won't do it.

2) Don't cheat, there's no excuse...ever.

3) if you break #2,

a) Express completely remorse, validate his pain, vow to take steps to make sure it never happens, express shame.

b) Don't trickle truth. You didn't even say who it was? My EX WW tried withholding that as well...wasn't good and didn't last.

c) Go NO CONTACT with your AP for life. If they contact you, tell your spouse IMMEDIATELY. This will prove you are honest and transparent. If you have to quit a job, great. That will show your level of dedication.

d) Don't shift blame for the affair. Your H owns 50% of the marriage problems prior to the A, but the A is 100% on you.

e) Be completely transparent, all passwords, etc. Any sneaky behaviour will be misinterpreted as you saw. He has no reason to trust or to believe you weren't cheating the night he packed up. I don't blame him at all for that.

 

f) Get counseling. marriage, individual, or both.

[Begging4Forgiveness]

Hey B4F,

 

Here's the thing...

You screwed up, he forgave you and you hurt him again.

Any person in his shoes would think/know that they would be a fool to forgive again.

 

Even though he left you over what he thought was you starting with the OM again, when you weren't - and maybe you feel that it's not fair because you weren't with the OM - It still shows how hard life is for a betrayed spouse to trust in the one that betrayed them (so soon after the incident).

 

This just showed that it's not that easy to make a relationship work after infidelity.

 

Honestly, do you think you deserve a 3rd chance?

I'm not asking this to be mean, but he forgave you the first time and you cheated on him again, why do you think that you should get another mulligan?

 

You could talk to him and promise to be transparent with everything, and promise not to see those friends that helped you cheat, not to see the OM (obviously) EVER - and to give him passwords to everything and to commit to marriage counseling and all that - but you have to prepare yourself for the big possibility that he could still say 'Hells to the No!"

 

Not only have you hurt his pride, and his heart, you taught him about the pain that accompanies trusting you - I would imagine that it would be so very hard for him to even entertain the thought of doing it again.

 

I know I screwed up; he has forgiven me just for me to hurt him again. I don’t really know if I deserve a second chance. I have asked my self the same question for the last 2 months. We really don’t talk much, we do when he comes to pick up your daughter and he usually spends the night with me.

 

 

 

Not being transparent I believe is one of the key reasons why I think we weren't able to make it work. I would give him all my passwords and any things he need. He not here living with us and I doubt he cares what I am doing. I have dropped all of my toxic friends and I try to have as little to no contact with the other man, it’s since we do work for the same company. I am looking for work else were.

 

 

I asked a few times if he was willing to attend marriage counseling a few times I always get shut down so it turned into more of individual counseling which has helped a lot

[Begging4Forgiveness]

If Mr Begging' were to come on here saying that his wife had cheated multiple times and kept going back to the OM after promising not to and sneaking around with friends covering for her in the middle of the night, do you think we should advise him to stick his neck out on the chopping block one more time or do you think we should advise him to protect himself and his relationship with his child and leave the cheating whore in the dust as he moves on with his life.

 

Quite frankly the only reason you are wanting him to keep you around is to give you the safety and security and comfort of being in a two-parent home for your child. You were just enjoying the comfort and security and enjoying his companionship, financial resources and assistance with raising your child.

 

He was offering you that and providing you that under the condition that you not screw other guys. But you wanted your cake too and you got caught.

 

The reason you are panicking now is you realize you are probably going to lose your security blanket and safety net. It's not because you actually love and desire him.

 

If he takes you back he will show himself as a doormat and a pussy and you will not have any respect or admiration for him and you will continue to use him as a bill payer and a babysitter while you continue to screw "real men" in your eyes.

 

He'd be a fool and a chump to take you back. women don't like fools and chumps so you'd be shooting yourself in the foot and setting yourself up for future failures.

 

 

I don’t need my husband to take care of me. I have my own job and I can care of myself very well. I don’t need him for security, safety, financial or any other reason you think I want him back. I also don’t want him back for our daughter. I don’t get it wrong I would love it for her to grow up with two loving parents but I want him home because I still love him and it’s what I want.

[TigerCub]

I know I screwed up; he has forgiven me just for me to hurt him again. I don’t really know if I deserve a second chance. I have asked my self the same question for the last 2 months. We really don’t talk much, we do when he comes to pick up your daughter and he usually spends the night with me.

 

 

 

Not being transparent I believe is one of the key reasons why I think we weren't able to make it work. I would give him all my passwords and any things he need. He not here living with us and I doubt he cares what I am doing. I have dropped all of my toxic friends and I try to have as little to no contact with the other man, it’s since we do work for the same company. I am looking for work else were.

 

 

I asked a few times if he was willing to attend marriage counseling a few times I always get shut down so it turned into more of individual counseling which has helped a lot

 

B4F,

 

It's good that you were willing to be transparent, and that you dropped your toxic friends and ended non-work relations with OM.

 

I think it's great that you are in counseling and that you feel it's helping.

 

Maybe the fact that he's not entertaining the thought of getting back together is actually a good thing - this way you will have a chance to work on yourself and just give the 2 of you the space to learn and heal.

 

There is a chance that you may never get back together, but please keep up with your therapy and continue to at least work together as parents.

 

I think that's all you can really do.

 

Truth time: If the scenario was reversed and he was the one that cheated on you twice. Would you forgive and take him back?

[Begging4Forgiveness]

B4F,

 

It's good that you were willing to be transparent, and that you dropped your toxic friends and ended non-work relations with OM.

 

I think it's great that you are in counseling and that you feel it's helping.

 

Maybe the fact that he's not entertaining the thought of getting back together is actually a good thing - this way you will have a chance to work on yourself and just give the 2 of you the space to learn and heal.

 

There is a chance that you may never get back together, but please keep up with your therapy and continue to at least work together as parents.

 

I think that's all you can really do.

 

Truth time: If the scenario was reversed and he was the one that cheated on you twice. Would you forgive and take him back?

 

Its hard for me to put myself in his shoes, I never thought I would be one to cheat in the first place. I still don’t know how I was able to let thing go so far with so little care for the people in my life. I really don’t know what I would do if the roles were reverse I would like to think I would stay and try to work it out. To me this is one of those situations where you don’t know how you would react unless you have been in a similar situation before.

[TigerCub]

That's a fair answer, I get what you're saying.

 

Good luck with your counseling.

[Korea2000]

I'm going to be honest with you. As a man, if my w cheated on me that would probably be it, the end, divorce. Why would I feel this way? Again, as a guy the thought if another man being inside my w, his semen inside her, the intimacy they shared, the kissing, the whole sex thing.... It would kill my interest in her totally.

 

Then there's the whole betrayal of trust and breaking if vows thing.

 

But, if I were to forgive (and its possible) then I would have to have total commitment and loyalty moving forward, she would need to feel and admit Shame and be totally transparent. The best advice was above from ninjas husband

[NYWoman]

B4B

 

To be brutally honest you got played

 

How do I know? It happened to me. The OM knew that you were married and did not back off and you ran to him, not once, but twice.

 

I never got that second chance.

 

I hung on to the hope that I could get my H back for 3 years.

 

I know he loved me, I was once the only flower in his garden, but after the first time, he looked at me as if I was a dried out dead weed and it turned his stomach to be in my vicinity.

 

There are just some husbands who mean it when they say cheating is the end. No Matter how hard they are hurting also.

[Ladydrib]

The thought of cheating had never even crossed my mind even with the dozens of men approaching me at work and other places. I am not making excuses or justifying it when I say that I had warned my husband for over a year that he wasn't giving me everything that I needed when I felt like I was giving 110% and got absolutely no appreciation for it. Well my mama called me selfish, but I told her a selfish person would have not tolerated it so long. We have a 3 year old and have been together 9 years and didn't really want to leave him, it was more about the attention from the other man that I was lacking from my husband. The first time I went off with the other man, I left my husband because we had always agreed that if we ever wanted to be with someone else, we would end it before hand instead of cheating. I still felt terrible about what I had done. And soon I started feeling like I hated my husband and he begged me back and was so sweet and loving to me (the side of him I hadn't seen in a few years that if he'd only shown me before I wouldn't have went and got elsewhere), so I decide to end the affair and move back with my husband and daughter. Throughout this whole time my husband had no idea I was with the other man. After a few weeks the guilt became too much and I told my husband that I had cheated on him once and didn't say who it was with. He didn't take it too well, but was willing to forgive me. Well then a few weeks later, it started back up and this time things became more intense and emotional and plans to move in together were made on his part but I was not sure about leaving my husband again. Well my husband found a text and called the number and got the other mans voicemail and realized who it was and flipped out bad. He left and I cried and begged him to take back once again and things were going good. Then I screw up and go hang out with friends who helped me sneak around a till like midnight one night and the next thing I know all his stuff is packed and he went and stayed with his brother. Husband believes I was with the other man that night by then the affair was definitely over and I begged my husband to come home and that it took losing him to realize what a good thing we had. Around May my SIL told me husband was moving out I got really exited believing he would come home to me that was not the case. My husband did move out but he decided to rent a beach house with his brother where he’s currently living.

 

 

Any advice on how I can’t win my husband back. Please I just want the 3 of to be a family again

 

I know you are hurting but it's not because you don't have your husband. It is because there is something wrong inside yourself which needs fixing. Let's say your husband took you back. Don't you think you'd go through the same pattern you've already been going through? Don't you think you'd soon become dissatisfied with him again? If you say no then you are likely in denial.

 

My suggestion is to let him go. Leave him alone and work on fixing yourself. Stay away from men until you are in a healthy place. Then open your heart to love and you'll probably be able to find a fulfilling and healthy relationship

[oldshirt]

I don’t need my husband to take care of me. I have my own job and I can care of myself very well. I don’t need him for security, safety, financial or any other reason you think I want him back. I also don’t want him back for our daughter. I don’t get it wrong I would love it for her to grow up with two loving parents but I want him home because I still love him and it’s what I want.

 

I am not talking about him literally proving your only food on the table and roof over your head or that you would be broke and starving out on thnce street without him. I understand that you would be able to take care of yourself and your daughter perfectly well without him.

 

I am talking in the figurative and conceptual sense that what you are getting from him is the comfort, safety and security of having someone to come home to at the end of the day and someone that is always their providing companionship and at-home parental involvement in the raising of your child.

 

Yes you love him but in many ways what you love is the companionship, comfort, security and convenience of having someone in the house taking care of daily business and parenting with you.

 

The problem is routine home and family life often becomes,,,,well,,,,routine. It loses a lot of the passion and excitement. Often times it's sexuality and romance that takes the hit.

 

What you were getting on the side was excitement, romance, passion, intimacy, drama, sexual stimulation, acceptance, desire, sexual stimulation, orgasms etc etc and none of the bills, dirty laundry on the floor, deciding who picks up the kid from school vs who picks up milk and cat food at the store.

 

Again, you were wanting your cake and eating it too but the problem to your husband is he was the one picking up the dirty laundry, sorting the bills, running to the store and picking the kid up from school while the OM was getting your legs over his shoulders and getting his d1ck sucked. Hardly an equitable exchange from any husband's point of view.

 

I understand you love your husband and I believe in your sincerity when you say that. But what you love is the comfort, convenience and security that you get from him being there. Guys don't innately want to do laundry, bills and pick kids up from school. They do it so they can have legs over their shoulders and get their d1ck sucked. The ancient contract between males and females that goes clear back to the cave is men will provide resources, comfort, security and parental involvement/child-rearing assistance if women provide exclusive sexuality.

 

You broke that ancient instinctual contract by using his resources and security while providing your sexuality to someone else.

 

He has every right and reason to null and void his contract with you now. In every culture throughout all of human history, female infidelity has given men full rights to null and void any contract with a cheating wife. He is still financially responsible to his children until they reach adulthood but any kind of contract with you he has full rights to end and no one on the planet including your own friends and family will second guess his decision to do so. they may try to convince him otherwise to help you out but they will fully understand and accept he chooses not to. His friends and family will bitch-slap him upside the head if he takes you back.

 

cont....

[oldshirt]

Your only hope at reconciliation (and most would advise him against it regardless) would be to -

- completely come clean about what took place and why you did it,

 

- go completely NC with the OM for life, you never put yourself in a situation of being tempted by another man again (extremely difficult and basically unrealistic to actually do)

 

- Accept his feelings of anger/hurt/betrayal/distrust/sadness and allow him to work through those feelings,

 

-live completely transparently giving him full access to all your emails, facebook, cphone, knowing your whereabouts at all times etc etc et

 

- Address and correct the underlying issues that made your legs go around another man in the first place, including things that he needs to do to voluntarily get your sexual exclusivity. Many people will argue this but he bares some responsibility too here. If he has put on weight and let himself go to where you no longer find him desirable and the OM had a six-pack you need to disclose that.

 

- and finally you need to lay him like tile with wild monkey sex for life. you provided that to someone else while he was picking your daughter up from school and that is what he will be most discusted at. You absolutely have to turn that around and provide him (and yourself!!) the passion and intimacy and closeness and orgasms within the confines of the marriage and not make him do the scut-work while you eat the fruit outside the marriage.

 

Yes that is an extremely tall order and quite seriously you need to really do some soul-searching and determine if you really want to go through all that or not. You may decide you really don't. You may decide that you really can take care of yourself and your daughter without his aid and support and you may decide that it's really not worth it to go through all of that and that you really would prefer to be on your own and be with other men or find someone else.

 

If that is the case then do both of you a big favor and just let him go with as little fuss and pain and complication as possible. Your daughter needs the care and support of both parents but if you two would both be better off to move on, then make that process as painless and clean as possible.

[Begging4Forgiveness]

Your only hope at reconciliation (and most would advise him against it regardless) would be to -

- completely come clean about what took place and why you did it,

 

- go completely NC with the OM for life, you never put yourself in a situation of being tempted by another man again (extremely difficult and basically unrealistic to actually do)

 

- Accept his feelings of anger/hurt/betrayal/distrust/sadness and allow him to work through those feelings,

 

-live completely transparently giving him full access to all your emails, facebook, cphone, knowing your whereabouts at all times etc etc et

 

- Address and correct the underlying issues that made your legs go around another man in the first place, including things that he needs to do to voluntarily get your sexual exclusivity. Many people will argue this but he bares some responsibility too here. If he has put on weight and let himself go to where you no longer find him desirable and the OM had a six-pack you need to disclose that.

 

- and finally you need to lay him like tile with wild monkey sex for life. you provided that to someone else while he was picking your daughter up from school and that is what he will be most discusted at. You absolutely have to turn that around and provide him (and yourself!!) the passion and intimacy and closeness and orgasms within the confines of the marriage and not make him do the scut-work while you eat the fruit outside the marriage.

 

Yes that is an extremely tall order and quite seriously you need to really do some soul-searching and determine if you really want to go through all that or not. You may decide you really don't. You may decide that you really can take care of yourself and your daughter without his aid and support and you may decide that it's really not worth it to go through all of that and that you really would prefer to be on your own and be with other men or find someone else.

 

If that is the case then do both of you a big favor and just let him go with as little fuss and pain and complication as possible. Your daughter needs the care and support of both parents but if you two would both be better off to move on, then make that process as painless and clean as possible.

 

 

1. I have told him everything that happened he knows everything, my counselor advised to write him an outline

 

2. I have gone NC with OM and by next month I won’t ever have to see his face again

 

3. I know if he was to come back it would take a lot of time for him to heal and for him to work through all the feelings you mentioned.

 

4. The reasons I had an affair wasn’t because I didn’t see him physical attractive. He is still very attractive. He just was paying any attention to me, at one point I was wondering if he even loved.

 

5. We had a great sex life, the problems came when he stopped trying and all he wanted sometime was quickies no cuddling, foreplay nothing but I have gotten the best sex from him

 

6. I am still having sex with him usually when he comes to pick up our daughter. to be honest it’s the best sex I’ve had in a while.

 

My counselor already made it clear trying to win him back could only lead to more heart ache because he might never come back. Like you said I have decided he’s worth it and I won’t stop till he’s complete done with me and has moved on.

 

 

Btw your last post really hit home

[Begging4Forgiveness]

Are you saying that you deserted your own daughter to run off to be with some guy?

 

The plan was to leave my husband not my daughter; I never lived with the OM I stayed with a friend. I still saw my daughter every day and made sure it wasn’t something she did and it was between me and my husband/father

[Begging4Forgiveness]

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

 

You screwed up. Live with it and quit trolling for sympathy.

 

Your right I did f-up and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life

I am not looking for sympathy, I only came here looking for advice

[Begging4Forgiveness]

B4B

 

To be brutally honest you got played

 

How do I know? It happened to me. The OM knew that you were married and did not back off and you ran to him, not once, but twice.

 

I never got that second chance.

 

I hung on to the hope that I could get my H back for 3 years.

 

I know he loved me, I was once the only flower in his garden, but after the first time, he looked at me as if I was a dried out dead weed and it turned his stomach to be in my vicinity.

 

There are just some husbands who mean it when they say cheating is the end. No Matter how hard they are hurting also.

 

Sorry things didn’t work out for you.

 

Can I ask few questions?

 

When did you realize your husband was done and if he were to give you another chance now what would you do?

 

Did you have any kids with him?

 

You don’t have to answer if you don’t want too

[Begging4Forgiveness]

Has anyone ever able to get a husband back after they had an affair

[aliveagain]

You don't come across as remorseful specially after throwing away the gift of reconciliation. Why would you think it was ok to sneak around at night after what you did to him? Why do you think you deserve another chance with him? One thing they always say is "Don't stay in a relationship because of children", he may now be of that opinion. To some of us infidelity is just a deal breaker. You must of been prepared for that outcome when you decided to bring a predator into your marriage? What is different now than when you told him you wouldn't cheat on him again after the first time? Asking him to go to marriage counseling is a waste of money until you get independent counseling, you need to find out what's broken in you, why attention from your husband wasn't enough? Your best bet is to plan for the worst, and that is"your going to be a single mom", fix yourself and get the help you need. Your words mean s**t to him right now, your a cheater and cheaters are liars. You stomped on his heart three times, the only thing he will believe are your actions, period. The fact that you got rid of friends that facilitated your affair is a good start. Transparency, honesty above all else. He needs to be able to see you in ways other than tainted, after all you gave away what was his freely, again and again, you just can't unf**k yourself. Never, ever lie to him again, do not trickle truth him because every new detail will take him back to the first day of discovery with all the pain it caused him. Give him the time he needs and just be a good mother because you failed him as his wife. If there is to be another chance it needs to come from him, let it be his idea, tell him you'll wait while he decides.

[hoping2heal]

but I want him home because I still love him and it’s what I want.

 

Engaging in an affair when you have a child(ren) is one of the most irresponsible actions a person can choose to partake in.

 

I think you need to have a major epiphany about the fact that life is not a party thrown soley in your honor. The way you write comes across as flippant and rationalizing. Instead of stopping to think about what your husband must be feeling and has had to endure you are asking what you can do to win him back because it's what you want. What about your husband? Perhaps what your husband wants is to enter into a relationship with someone who does not throw him under the bus? Perhaps what your husband wants is to be with someone he can trust who will not exploit that trust for anything? All I'm reading from you is "me, me, and what about me?"

 

Because you have a child, I think it's in your best interest to kiss goodbye the self-indulgent fantasies you're having about having him back and instead work on creating a civil relationship with him while you co-parent your child separately. I imagine there is little if anything you can do repair the damage done to your relationship with your husband but there are things you can do to at least create a good environment for your child and that's where your focus should be.

 

I realize I must sound very harsh but you've got to wake up out of la la land and come to terms with the fact that there are very real consequences to our actions and they cannot always be manipulated out of.

[Korea2000]

Engaging in an affair when you have a child(ren) is one of the most irresponsible actions a person can choose to partake in.

 

I think you need to have a major epiphany about the fact that life is not a party thrown soley in your honor. The way you write comes across as flippant and rationalizing. Instead of stopping to think about what your husband must be feeling and has had to endure you are asking what you can do to win him back because it's what you want. What about your husband? Perhaps what your husband wants is to enter into a relationship with someone who does not throw him under the bus? Perhaps what your husband wants is to be with someone he can trust who will not exploit that trust for anything? All I'm reading from you is "me, me, and what about me?"

 

Because you have a child, I think it's in your best interest to kiss goodbye the self-indulgent fantasies you're having about having him back and instead work on creating a civil relationship with him while you co-parent your child separately. I imagine there is little if anything you can do repair the damage done to your relationship with your husband but there are things you can do to at least create a good environment for your child and that's where your focus should be.

 

I realize I must sound very harsh but you've got to wake up out of la la land and come to terms with the fact that there are very real consequences to our actions and they cannot always be manipulated out of.

 

Hang on guys. She came here for advice not to be torn to shreds.

 

Everyone can be forgiven. Whether they are or not is up to the wronged party.

 

I don't see anything that suggests she isn't remorseful. In fact, this lady seems to be quite strong and determined and that's a GOOD THING.

 

I posted here earlier. OP, if you can get your H back then I wish you well as that has to be best for your child. Stick at it and make sure your H knows how ashamed you are and how determined you are NEVER to betray him again. And yeah, you will see men you fancy and yeah, they will flirt but you now k is (which you didn't before) just how much damage adultery causes and what can be list because if it. Those other men just want to bang you, whereas your H is there as a life partner to share everything with you and t

[JustJoe]

OP, there are several good websites available for cheaters who are trying to reform. Marriage Builders is one of the best, and can give you a plan that you can use, and show your husband , of reconciliation. Most likely you will not be able to reconcile , unless you are fully committed and willing to do anything and everything to atone for what you have done.

[janedoe67]

I also think that the book Surviving and Affair and that phone counseling with one of their counselors can be a very good idea.