Crossing the line w/others when in a relationship

[Adunaphel]

Scenario: in the past your partner has crossed lines with some friends of him/her of the opposite sex while he/she was in a relationship with you.

 

(In my specific case "crossing a line" = female friends of my bf got their clothes off at fraternity meetings where he happened to be present. In your specific case, whatever you perceived as 'crossing a line'. I guess everyone has different opinion of what is or what is not okay in a relationship.)

 

Is it normal to be *very* unconfortable, or even very upset, if your partner is going to be in some place where he'll meet those friends even if you know that probably no lines will be crossed this time?

 

Anyone has been there?

 

Also, -this one is to ladies - would you feel unconfortable with the idea of an another lady sitting in your partner's lap, even if it is an innocent thing?

[Naive]

Originally posted by Adunaphel

Also, -this one is to ladies - would you feel unconfortable with the idea of an another lady sitting in your partner's lap, even if it is an innocent thing?

 

F*CK YEAH I would be uncomfortable and p*ssed as f*ck. No woman is going to sit on my bf's lap but me!!!!

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by Adunaphel

Scenario: in the past your partner has crossed lines with some friends of him/her of the opposite sex while he/she was in a relationship with you.

 

(In my specific case "crossing a line" = female friends of my bf got their clothes off at fraternity meetings where he happened to be present. In your specific case, whatever you perceived as 'crossing a line'. I guess everyone has different opinion of what is or what is not okay in a relationship.)

 

Is it normal to be *very* unconfortable, or even very upset, if your partner is going to be in some place where he'll meet those friends even if you know that probably no lines will be crossed this time?

 

 

 

Yes, I think this is normal. What is your boyfriend's stance? Does he understand that he crossed boundaries and that he must act in a way that will earn back your trust? Does he understand that this may mean staying away from these friends, if it makes you uncomfortable?

[Adunaphel]

Thanks for your replies, I appreciate them!

 

Originally posted by naive_2001

 

 

F*CK YEAH I would be uncomfortable and p*ssed as f*ck. No woman is going to sit on my bf's lap but me!!!!

 

It is great to hear you feel the same way!

I wouldn't actually care if my bf's best friend (and a couple other ladies) sat in his lap, but I wouldn't be confortable at all if any other woman did it. Expecially if there were available chairs around!

This summer a slutty (but very pretty)girl from his frat wanted to sit in his lap at a swimming pool party.. and she was in a swimming suit. He told her not to using the 'my gf would be jealous' line, which I appreciated. (even if I suspect that he would have allowed her to hadn't I been around). Yet, I felt like slapping her!

 

Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama

 

 

Yes, I think this is normal. What is your boyfriend's stance? Does he understand that he crossed boundaries and that he must act in a way that will earn back your trust?

 

Um...tough one, I think the answer is 'yes and no'. He still thinks that the boundaries he crossed are not such a big deal.

But he sees that they are a big deal to me.

 

Does he understand that this may mean staying away from these friends, if it makes you uncomfortable?

 

He is actually currently staying away from them.....it's almost four months he didn't see any of those ladies. Only, in two weeks people from his frat are throwing a dinner....the idea of him seeing those ladies again makes me sick, even if it's months he hasn't seen them.

I guess it would be selfish of me to ask him not to go but I'm sort of flipping out already.

But if he hangs out with them I'll perceive it as a slap in the face.

That is expecially because knowing that those women will be there is bringing back to my memory a lot of old issues that I am currently unable to handle in a healthy way

Still, it would be selfish on my part to expect that he never sees those girls again.

I could go to that dinner with him, but I am too scared to - I'm afraid I'll flip out if I just see one of those girls kissing him on his cheeks.

 

I don't know if hanging out - even once in a blue moon - with people you crossed lines with is disrespectful to your partner, but I perceive it as so.

 

I wonder if to other people would happen the very same thing, to get upset, think something like "you crossed this line (inser personal situation here;)) with those people *and now you are in their company*" and feel as upset as if the 'line-crossing episode' had happened, like, an hour ago instead of months ago!

 

I was asking if those sort of feelings are normal because if they are not I probably seriously need therapy.

[CurlyIam]

We all have our limits. I say naked girls humping around are a very clear one in any girl's mind.

 

On the other hand, he does not see them but once in a while, which is great.

 

Standing on his lap is a no-no for me. Cute photos and group hugs are okey with me though.

 

 

 

The thing is, that even though it happened awhile ago, it's gonna be talking, not undressing (I mean at the dinner). Of course it's ok to feel uncomfortable, it is after all, a sore spot. Try to be on top an don't let your anger get the best of you. It's not worth it.

[Swanny]

just try to remember that its not love when they sit on his lap, but if it gets to u than talk to him and tell him that u dont like it, it makes u feel (whatever u feel).

[fiatflux]

I think you should DEFINITELY plan on going!! Your presence will put the kibosh on any kind of "crossing the line" antics between him and those ladies. If you don't go, it's almost guaranteed that they will try things.

[Adunaphel]

Thanks curly, swanny and fiatflux

 

Originally posted by CurlyIam

 

The thing is, that even though it happened awhile ago, it's gonna be talking, not undressing (I mean at the dinner). Of course it's ok to feel uncomfortable, it is after all, a sore spot. Try to be on top an don't let your anger get the best of you. It's not worth it.

 

Well, it is *probably* going to be just talking.

Problem is, him going to that dinner is enough to make me feel me not respected. It will bring back to my mind old issues that were somehow 'buried".

I have never really forgotten the old 'crossing lines' stuff...I just managed to bury that. It was difficult and it took months. If he sees those girls I'll be back having to deal with those issues, even if it is now old stuff. If he goes anywhere where those girls will be present, it will feel like that old sh*t happened *yesterday*.

If he goes there it will be hurting me. On the other hand, I will hurt him if I expect that he *never* sees those people again.

As he said to me yesterday, he stopped going to frat meetings, what do I expect from him, to shut him in a cage?

 

Edited to say: thanks moderators for changing the original thread subject, this one is better!

Yet, none of those girls are *very good* friends of him. I wouldn't call them even friends except perhaps for one of them. His guy friends from the fraternity...he could see them *outside* fraternities activities!! It does not take a lot to pick up the phone and call them.

I feel like he does not care about me enough if he goes to that stupid dinner.

And I'm starting to think that I'll never be able to be happy with him if those girls don't totally disappear from his life.

I'm tired of that, I don't want to spend my life as a nagging person.

 

Originally posted by Swanny

just try to remember that its not love when they sit on his lap, but if it gets to u than talk to him and tell him that u dont like it, it makes u feel (whatever u feel).

 

I tried that, and I think talking was useful.

 

Originally posted by fiatflux

I think you should DEFINITELY plan on going!! Your presence will put the kibosh on any kind of "crossing the line" antics between him and those ladies. If you don't go, it's almost guaranteed that they will try things.

 

I am afraid I will do/say something stupid. If i go, I'll spend the time *hating* everyone around me including my boyfriend.

 

So my options are a very sh*tty evening at home and a very sh*tty evening there, but if I stay at home at least I won't risk to start shouting at someone or cursing at someone or even hitting someone.

 

I know I could *really* do something like that and it is *scaring* me.

Perhaps I need an anger management course. It is ridicolous, I used to be such a calm and tolerant person. I am afraid that stuff that happened earlier in this relationship has turned me in a potentially abusive person. It's scary and I'm afraid.

[Pookette]

So my options are a very sh*tty evening at home and a very sh*tty evening there, but if I stay at home at least I won't risk to start shouting at someone or cursing at someone or even hitting someone.

 

Couldn't you do something fun either by yourself or with friends? Don't wait around for him...

[Adunaphel]

Originally posted by Pookette

 

 

Couldn't you do something fun either by yourself or with friends? Don't wait around for him...

 

This is actually a very good idea!!!!! Funny, it didn't even cross my mind.

 

Since my bf and I do not live in the same town, and I have very little free time, I usually go see him in the weekend and I have been neglecting my friends quite a lot.

 

I might actually see my friends and go somewhere fun with them. This would mean not seeing my bf at all that week-end.

And I might do do the same the following weekend. And the following one, as well... until I have calmed down and I can see my bf without being mad at him.

He might not see me for a few weeks, but that would be *his* problem.

 

Or instead of going out with my friends I could go out with a guy friend of mine who tried to hit on me while I was in a relationship with my bf. I haven't seen him in person for a *lot* of time (and never while my bf was not present) .....I could consider going to dinner with him that weekend.

If it is okay for my bf to see his slutty friends because he hasn't seen them for months, isn't it fair that I see a friend of mine whom I haven't seen for even longer?

Yes, I usually consider it very wrong to meet someone who is/used to be interested in me if my bf is not present, and yes I'd do it just to 'get back' at my bf, but how was the saying?

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

[Papillon]

naked girls humping around

 

 

WHERE?!?!

[Pookette]

Yes, I usually consider it very wrong to meet someone who is/used to be interested in me if my bf is not present, and yes I'd do it just to 'get back' at my bf, but how was the saying?

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

 

*wink, wink*

 

Fair enough for me.

[Adunaphel]

darn.... I just found out that the dinner won't take place in a public place (like a restaurant).

It probably means that something that I wouldn't like will happen.

I doubt that all those sluts will keep their clothes on.

 

If he goes to that dinner, and whether I go with him or not, I think that if he just sees one of his so called friends in lingerie (or worse *without*it), he'll be *without* a girlfriend in no time.

 

I have put up with enough crap like that for a lifetime earlier in the relationship, and I'm not going to take any more.

[GlamourGal]

Okay I just read the first post and didnt get through everyone else's response; so I'm sorry if someone else said this already..

 

but yeah I'd be super pissed if some other girl sat on my boyfriends lap...I'd be really really ticked not only at him but at her...to me I think that my boyfriend's 'chick' friends need to be able to respect his relationship with me; and by them sitting on his lap, imo, that's being disrespectful.

 

I already have a problem with chick friends, my bf has 2 close ones and both of them never talk to me and are snotty as hell towards me...I do not like either one of them; and he knows it...but apparently he feels that me 'getting used to it' is part of me being with him...but I think that them treating me how they do; is them being b*tchy and just plain rude...not respecting me being with their 'friend'

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by Adunaphel

darn.... I just found out that the dinner won't take place in a public place (like a restaurant).

It probably means that something that I wouldn't like will happen.

I doubt that all those sluts will keep their clothes on.

 

 

Waitaminute...do you really want to date this guy?! You think he is going to cross boundaries again? Why are you with this loser?

I think that it should be a no-brainer that he would never cross boundaries with these girls again, and on top of that, to make it up to you and show how sorry and trustworthy he is, you should always be invited to their gatherings!

Maybe I'm a hard-a$$ but it just doesn't seem like he's sorry or that he's going to quit his antics.

[Adunaphel]

Originally posted by GlamourGal

but yeah I'd be super pissed if some other girl sat on my boyfriends lap...I'd be really really ticked not only at him but at her...to me I think that my boyfriend's 'chick' friends need to be able to respect his relationship with me; and by them sitting on his lap, imo, that's being disrespectful.

 

GlamourGal....does your bf understand and agree with your point of view?

 

About bf's friends being snotty on purpose... it's really unpleasant.

To me it happened with both male and female friends of my bf. Ugh!

 

 

Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama

I think that it should be a no-brainer that he would never cross boundaries with these girls again,

 

Thanks...really. I guess the real problem in my relationship is that my bf would be still crossing them if I hadn't 'nagged him to death' about them and threatened to dump him for good if he didn't stop.

 

It's weird.....I know my bf would *never* actually cheat on me, and I can really trust him about not sleeping with other girls or making out with them or touching them.

Yet, in his mindset there is nothing wrong about female friends of his taking their clothes off at a frat meeting. He would be okay if I did that too !!!

Also, according to him there is nothing wrong if a female friend of him sits in his lap (I had to *tell* him that I would NOT be okay at all if a female friend of his *in her undies* sits in his lap!).

 

and on top of that, to make it up to you and show how sorry and trustworthy he is, you should always be invited to their gatherings!

 

I actually am (usually).

I guess that what is wrong with me is that I think that if he really cared about me he wouldn't even consider to go.

I guess it actually hasn't a lot to do with caring about me.

He just wants to say hi to friends he hasn't seen in months...and he hasn't seen them in months basically because of me.

If I expected that he does not go to that dinner, I'd probably be a selfish b*tch.

 

Maybe I'm a hard-a$$ but it just doesn't seem like he's sorry or that he's going to quit his antics.

 

problem is , it is not like he *wanted* to cross lines..... his friends happened to be in this frat, where such sort of things happen.

 

The other day I told him...."how would you feel if I was going to a dinner where there will be guys whom I allowed to touch and fondle my breasts "because it was a meaningless fraternity thing" while I was in a relationship with you?"

and he said "I never touched anyone's breasts while I was with you!!!"

 

How to explain him that to me looking at nekkid friends is as bad as touching?

When it's porn, looking is NOT as bad as touching but IMO when it's your *friends*, not porn or strippers, it's just as bad!

 

Worse than talking to a wooden wall.....

[morrigan]

Is there a viable reason he can't leave the fraternity party when the clothes start flying? If he's not going to give up watching the free show, you're either going to have to keep putting up with it, or end it with him. But I agree that you shouldn't stay at home wringing your hands in worry--go out with your friends and have fun.

 

It basically comes down to either trusting that he does not cheat on you, and not worrying day and night about what he sees/does when you're not around, or finding someone who doesn't hang out with naked people when they're dating someone.

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by Adunaphel

I guess that what is wrong with me is that I think that if he really cared about me he wouldn't even consider to go.

I guess it actually hasn't a lot to do with caring about me.

He just wants to say hi to friends he hasn't seen in months...and he hasn't seen them in months basically because of me.

If I expected that he does not go to that dinner, I'd probably be a selfish b*tch.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. It does have a lot to do with caring about you. It has to do with respecting your views on what you deem appropriate. No two people have the exact same views on what flies in a relationship, but they should do their best to respect each other. It sounds as though you have been disrespected. I don't think that you'd be a selfish b**ch to tell him not to go...but I think he's a selfish b**ch for going.

 

My boyfriend and I have had our problems, especially involving dishonesty. The reason we were willing to work it out is because he was willing to compromise and give up some freedoms to regain my trust. Our relationship was just that important to him. No one is perfect, and every significant other is going to break your trust or overstep boundaries at some point...what matters is how willing they are to correct the situation.

 

My 2 cents.

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by morrigan

Is there a viable reason he can't leave the fraternity party when the clothes start flying? If he's not going to give up watching the free show, you're either going to have to keep putting up with it, or end it with him. But I agree that you shouldn't stay at home wringing your hands in worry--go out with your friends and have fun.

 

It basically comes down to either trusting that he does not cheat on you, and not worrying day and night about what he sees/does when you're not around, or finding someone who doesn't hang out with naked people when they're dating someone.

 

 

I agree with morrigan as well. Why can't he leave when nudity begins? If it means "nothing" to him, why can't he do without it? See what I mean?

[Adunaphel]

Originally posted by morrigan

Is there a viable reason he can't leave the fraternity party when the clothes start flying?

 

Actually, several.

 

We discussed this one year ago when he was still going to frat meetings once a week. Apart from the fact that at the time he thought it was a redicolous request (I haven't still gotten why),

1) there are fraternity rules, they wouldn't have been okay with him leaving each time. Plus, he would have looked ridicolous.

2)at normal frat meetings the clothes flied quite often. It would mean leaving every hour or so for a few minutes, plus pratically leaving instantly in particular cases, like when a girl is admitted in the fraternity she usually spends 3-4 hours fully naked and doing stupid stuff. (which does NOT involved touching anyone, anyway)

3) from the time the clothes start flying to the time he'd be out of there, there is enough for him to take a good peek. it's not like if -even if people in his frat were okay with him leaving- they'd wait for him to go to take clothes off.

 

Anyway frat meetings are old stuff-thank godness.

 

If he's not going to give up watching the free show, you're either going to have to keep putting up with it, or end it with him. But I agree that you shouldn't stay at home wringing your hands in worry--go out with your friends and have fun.

 

One thing is sure, I put up with it for almost two years in the past and that's enough for a lifetime. If he has to see his so called friends once in a while...it is *not* okay but I suppose I can live with it. But if he sees any ass or any tits at that dinner, I'm out of the relationship.

 

 

savethedrama4yrmama,

thanks again for your thoughts on the matter!

 

It has to do with respecting your views on what you deem appropriate. No two people have the exact same views on what flies in a relationship, but they should do their best to respect each other.

My thoughts exactly...

I almost wish there were things I am currently doing that my bf would find inappropriate. So I could stop doing them and it wouldn't look like I'm the one doing all the nagging or him like the only one doing a lot to meet his partner's needs in the relationship!

 

And, I hope everything is okay with your bf now.

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by Adunaphel

1) there are fraternity rules, they wouldn't have been okay with him leaving each time. Plus, he would have looked ridicolous.

 

I think he already does look quite rediculous Didn't you mention in a post before that he is in his 30's? Or am I confusing your post with someone else's? The whole thing sounds pretty silly to me. Seems like he might benefit by growing up and putting his lovely girlfriend before his old college nudity games.

 

P.S. Things are improving for my relationship. Thanks for asking