Are they aware of emotional affairs?

[Wambo]

When people think of affairs, they <may> think affairs are sexual relationships outside the marriage or relationship. Many don't think affairs can be emotional attachments. So here is the question, do many cheaters and their affair partners knows of emotional affairs and why they are wrong?

Edited June 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Realist3]

IMO, a lot of people lesson their guilt by telling themselves that not having sex is not as bad. It can be a method of self denial. Also there are some people who don't realize that it is a form of infidelity because they see it as a deep friendship but the conviently discard that part of it is a secret or hidden.

 

 

This post is excellent on so many levels.

 

I will just add that before my affair I had no clue what an EA was. My definition of 'affair' was two people having sex that were already involved in a committed relationship with someone else. That is what I grew up with as the definition. This is where the denial mechanism gets boosted.

 

With the advances in technology with ease of communication it has allowed those crushes and flirtations to go much further on an emotional level. I know they have always existed in some form or fashion for forever, but today they are much easier to develop.

[Wambo]

You need to ask the question in English, it does not make any sense.

 

 

Are emotional cheaters aware they are cheating? Are you happy now?

 

I'm asking this question because I don't think my friend is aware she had crossed the line? She may not have and it could all be in my head. However it's possible she may not understand the concept of emotional affair and just believe we are good friends. Part of the problems are many website articles on emotional affairs are terrible and maybe were originally published for web hits. The information they provide and the examples can only be classed at shallow at best.

 

I was thinking about asking people at work if they had heard of emotional affairs and what they think they are. However I didn't in the end because I know I will get amused looks. However if a lot of people haven't heard the term, then it's a good chance the cheater haven't and unaware of their addiction.

[Spotme]

I think it depends on the types of things you tend to read. I knew what anEA was, prior to H's affair (which was an EA for nine months before becoming physical). H says he didn't, he just considered the relationship turning physical as being the point of no return/forgiveness as far as I was concerned (probably because that's where it would have been for him). But he sure as heck knew he was doing something wrong because he hid it all and lied his butt off. If your friend is hiding her actions, she knows they are wrong. H's motto now with regard to interacting with other women is "if I wouldn't say it in front of Spot, don't say it. If I wouldn't write it with Spot looking over my shoulder, don't write it. If I think I should hide this thought or feeling from Spot, I probably really need to discuss it with her."

[Realist3]

I don't see any negativity in LFH's post at all. All I read was that EA's are not part of the common vernacular outside of forums like these. I happen to agree with that.

 

A lot of people in today's society are not aware of what constitutes an EA; and thus the suggestion of actually being involved in the classical understanding of what an affair is, does not register.

[So happy together]

I think a lot of times people don't realize they are involved in an EA until it's too late. And how do you unlove someone?

 

FTR, I don't think my affair (which was physical and emotional) was wrong.

[So happy together]

I cannot imagine being so clueless that I become inappropriately emotionally attached to someone other than my husband without realizing it. All the steps necessary to do that are choices. Ditto unaware that I am falling in love with someone.

 

Never say never, you could jinx yourself.

[Realist3]

The negativity I was responding to was this, "Seriously only the "too into psychoanalysis for my own good" people or those on relationship boards use the phrase." Perhaps I misunderstood?

 

 

I will allow her to clarify that statement.

 

IMO, the very fact that I have 1200 posts here tells me I might be "too into psychoanalysis for my own good."

 

I took it as an observation on her part not a slam. I didn't see her exclude herself from that observation.

[Realist3]

Or perhaps she could have meant those that hound an OP until their advise is taken, even to the point of borderline berating the OP for not doing so.

 

There was a thread the other day when someone, I forget whom, said something to the effect of, "We are here to fix things, and you are not following our advice..." That element certainly exists here. Sometimes people should realize that maybe the 'fixing' that the advice giver may give, may not align with the OP's position. Any of us should be able to realize that any of us offering advice is only dealing with a very small slice of the information that the OP has decided to share. A lot of assumptions are made. A lot of people giving advice get worked up... just sayin'.

[OpenBook]

I've never heard anyone not on a relationship forum use the phrase emotional affair. I live in a MAJOR metropolitian area in the US.

Seriously only the "too into psychoanalysis for my own good" people or those on relationship boards use the phrase.

 

It doesn't mean it isn't an accurate term, but no, people don't go around spouting about emotional affairs. They joke about work spouses and friends that are "to close" but no, most people don't go around talking about emotional affairs.

 

Ditto. I hadn't ever heard the term "emotional affair" until I came to LS. I'm still not convinced it's real. E.g. is a Bromance considered an "emotional affair"?? Where is the line drawn?

[So happy together]

Maybe in your world you are subject to superstition and uncontrollable behavior that renders you incapable of taking personal responsibility......that does not happen in my world.

 

I was kidding.

[So happy together]

When I was in my EA, I didn't think of it as an EA, but it was. pretty sure I learned that term here. Who cares what you call it, it was an affair. Bottom line for me is, if you're carrying on with another person who isn't your supposed committed partner, and you hide, lie, sneak, omit the information from the other person, it's an affair. And if its not physical, it's emotional. And I, unlike some others, am not proud of my actions, and won't be repeating. Jinx or not.

 

I seriously was just being facetious. It hasn't been easy being in the middle of an affair. I'm glad it's over. I'm glad we are out in the open and I would never let myself be in this position again either. I honestly didn't think of our friendship as an issue, but according to several BS's I affected their entire relationship. I don't know if that's true. I'll have to ask my bf.

[Lillyfree]

i had no idea what an EA was until i googled things when everything got a bit too much... i knew what was going on at the time wasn't right, but didn't consider it an A.

 

actually, that's how i stumbled upon LS. and started reading. lets say... i've learnt a fair bit about these things in the last few months ...

[sad puppy]

The term emotional affair is not uncommon. When millions of people have bought the book "Not Just Friends", and articles on emotional affairs are published in magazines such as Woman's Day, there are a lot of people familiar with the term. Just because someone hasn't heard of it themselves does not mean it is some secret term used by psychologists. It is not uncommon.

[MissBee]

You need to ask the question in English, it does not make any sense.

 

Are you saying people in affairs that are in love are wrong??? Well maybe, but it is too late by then.... mmm? I do not see my affair as a sexual relationship anymore, it is an emotional relationship. If it were just sex, I would be able to get out.

 

 

The question made perfect sense. I have no clue how you've come to twist it to the OP saying those in love are wrong. The question you seem to be answering is not one which was asked it seems.

[MissBee]

I think a lot of times people don't realize they are involved in an EA until it's too late. And how do you unlove someone?

 

FTR, I don't think my affair (which was physical and emotional) was wrong.

 

You can't unlove someone...but it is possible to not act inappropriately. My aunt is married and found herself in an EA when her husband was away for 3 months for work. She had a male friend she would text with and speak with on the phone and slowly it slipped into being very inappropriate....she was genuinely shocked at this development and was explaining how she had to cut off the friendship to preserve her marriage. In her case, she didn't "love" him, she was attracted to him and developed an emotional attachment, but it wasn't in fact love. Even if she did love him though, the love itself isn't the part people have to stop, it's choosing to stop feeding the relationship. One can make a choice about that and usually when you do the romantic feelings subside. I think many APs don't know each other that well to have true love, but of course have loving and romantic feelings and affection for that person which naturally feels stronger the more it is fed, and eventually dies out with NC and focus elsewhere.

[So happy together]

You can't unlove someone...but it is possible to not act inappropriately. My aunt is married and found herself in an EA when her husband was away for 3 months for work. She had a male friend she would text with and speak with on the phone and slowly it slipped into being very inappropriate....she was genuinely shocked at this development and was explaining how she had to cut off the friendship to preserve her marriage. In her case, she didn't "love" him, she was attracted to him and developed an emotional attachment, but it wasn't in fact love. Even if she did love him though, the love itself isn't the part people have to stop, it's choosing to stop feeding the relationship. One can make a choice about that and usually when you do the romantic feelings subside. I think many APs don't know each other that well to have true love, but of course have loving and romantic feelings and affection for that person which naturally feels stronger the more it is fed, and eventually dies out with NC and focus elsewhere.

 

I don't dispute this.

[So happy together]

I recall a prior post of yours where you said, that you and him had been in a ea for years, but you didn't realize it until you came here.

 

I don't recall saying this. However, I will say that we would move into one another's lives and then feel we were attracted and close, then move away.

[eleanorrigby]

I don't believe you need to be aware of or have heard of the term emotional affair to know if your behavior is inappropriate for your relationship.

If it's "OK" for you to fall in love with someone else during your marriage or relationship, and continue to feed the love, then it's OK.

 

Is it OK?

[Lillyfree]

i don't understand why people are getting so confused about OP's question.

[MissBee]

Maybe people don't know the actual term EA...but the phenomena itself, they know what it is. They know within themselves, esp the married person, when a "friendship" becomes more or turns inappropriate. It can be very insidious as FS pointed out, but no doubt, esp if you're married, and you're conducting an EA, you KNOW within yourself it's wrong, regardless of if you have the words "emotional affair" in your vocabulary or not.

 

It's like emotional abuse. For a while that wasn't a "thing" in terms of a name. People mostly paid attention to physical abuse and perhaps sexual abuse as obvious abuse. However, even before emotional abuse had a label, people who experienced it KNEW within themselves that they were being mistreated. Perhaps they had no term for it and probably it's only upon reading it or it being pointed out and discussed more that they could put a label to it. So yea, maybe some folks don't go around talking about EAs vs. PSs in normal parlance, but they do have some notion that what they're doing is inappropriate by their own feelings about it. It creeps up on some people, but I doubt one can go on for years without realizing what it is.

[Lillyfree]

I agree. I also never said it wasn't real... I don't know why anyone thinks I'm saying it's not. I'm saying that I didn't know an "EA" existed until it was too late, because I had never encountered the concept. Which was the question right? Do people realize that EAs exist until it happens?

 

this is the way i interpreted the question too.

 

and in my case, definitely no. didn't know it was a 'thing' until it was too late. what i've known of affairs that happened around me, they were always physical.

 

i've never read self-help books, and i definitely don't read woman's day and similar magazines. so ... probably makes me seem clueless, but that's how it was.

[Lillyfree]

Thank you for saying that. I was going to but I didn't want people to think I was being snarky, plus it makes me feel less weird now. I don't read "womens magazines" and the self help books I've usually looked at are all business focused.

 

it's ok. my superhero alter-ego can be The Fantastic Snarky Woman

[MissBee]

This I agree with. You don't see it coming because you weren't LOOKING for it, you don't think of it as a thing... until it IS.

Especially if you aren't in a relationship yourself. You're not necessarily on guard about it... and then you just kind of are there.

 

Yep. I think the single person may get away with not noticing for a longer time than the MP. As the MP...come on . You are the taken one so will notice a lot quicker when you've crossed the line.

 

I however did opt out of a friendship with a married guy I was attracted to. I was attracted to him since we first laid eyes on each other and since we first spoke. I initially thought, oh well, maybe we can be friends, then I said, yeah right lol. He seems like he'd be open to an affair, and add to it, his wife was studying overseas. I knew right away that it would pretty much immediately be an EA so just bypassed it altogether.

[Lillyfree]

it's ok. my superhero alter-ego can be The Fantastic Snarky Woman

 

 

hah! you can have boots regardless - being snarky is a perk

 

apologies to everyone, didn't mean to insult. just having a day.