Now I'm doubting myself :-(

[Zapbasket]

"M" and I plan to get back together on Thursday. I anticipate a happy reunion but short lived. I have come to the understanding that she may have not changed. She may still remain emotionally distant and unreachable. This is her character this is who she is. I am sad but I now know that I am just not her match -at least not at this time.

 

It sounds like you and I have similar dating patterns. What happened when you met with her on Thursday, and why do you think you need to pick women, as you say, who need "fixing" as a way for you to feel an ego boost? Is it because some part of you is afraid that you, too, are "damaged" and need "fixing"? That's something I'm asking myself, too--although I am not sure I pick fixer-uppers for the ego boost, since part of their fixer-upper-ness is that they don't want to commit to me, which gives me the opposite of an ego boost.

[Zapbasket]

And while you're hurting now, if you can eventually embrace this chance you've been given to get to the heart of your own man-picker problems, your future is going to be way, way happier than it would ever have been with K.

 

Thanks so much for your insights and support, SSG. I hope so--and I hope that will become clearer as I continue moving forward and working with this therapist. I'm excited because this is the first time I've ever worked with a male therapist, and I think that alone, so long as our rapport is good, will be a good thing for me developmentally in light of my current issues.

 

And for what it's worth, given K. surprised me by returning from his trip and wanting to work on the relationship, it's possible he could surprise me again by being proactive in moving his life forward and going to counseling himself. But I'm not waiting for it. The counselor I'm seeing is willing also to work with us as a couple, but only after a time of seeing us both individually. I'm going for *me,* right now. I think the good thing is that then I can feel I have an ally here that's not part of his family, and that alone should help me get clearer about the dynamics that make my man-picker less than optimal.

[Zapbasket]

As of last night, K and I are officially done. There will be no going back; I am certain of this this time.

 

He expressed some expectation that we would be friends, and I quashed that, saying that we could never be friends, because friends know where they stand with one another, and with him, I never knew where I stood...and still don't know. The relationship was just one long morass, with him concluding that he had nothing to give me and always was, he said, "two steps behind" me and felt he always would be.

 

He still has no idea what he wants, no plans for himself, and he wouldn't have ended with me had I not put it to him one last time, point-blank, "What do you WANT?" He also started individual therapy with the same therapist to whom I'm going; originally there was an idea that we'd do some couples counseling after a period of working with this therapist individually, but I never really wanted that, truthfully.

 

So here I am. He proved in every way to be exactly what I thought he was, from the get-go. I can only blame myself for staying. And I feel just as sh*tty as I did back in June when I started this thread, but now I feel, I guess, stronger in the sh*ttiness, if that makes sense.

[sunshinegirl]

Well, as much as it sucks right now, I will lift a glass to your having certainty. There is something really really good about having closure and being able to move forward.

 

(((big hugs)))

[oldshirt]

Well, as much as it sucks right now, I will lift a glass to your having certainty. There is something really really good about having closure and being able to move forward.

 

(((big hugs)))

 

I will toast to that too.

 

I am sorry for your loss but now you can move forward and have a whole world out there to explore without the baggage and uncertainty holding you back.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks SSG and Oldshirt.

 

I'll admit, the depression following the loss, the heaviness that follows me like a cloud even through a beautiful morning hike today--it follows me EVERYWHERE--is just miserable. I'm so tired of feeling this. I'm so tired of my relationships never working out. It all just feels like such a waste of my life, and it's so painful to see friends one after another find someone with whom they seem to connect so well, and get married--for my female friends, men who WANT so badly to move to the next step with them. Of course I'm happy for them all, but I feel like the last person picked for a kickball team at the playground. Except I'm not picked, even...just left out of the game altogether.

 

I'm venting. I know: new beginning and all that. I feel like I'm getting awfully good at new beginnings. I want something to last. And it's sad because there were so many things that I loved about K even while the relationship was so, so difficult. Now that it's all over, I can't help feeling that it was all so stupid, the arguing, the difficulty.

 

How do you know you're a "difficult" person? I don't think I'm so difficult; I mean, I am a caring person, generally well-liked if kind-of on my own program much of the time; I'm very sensitive but also resilient and pragmatic; I'm spontaneous but also stable.... And yet, all, ALL, of my romantic relationships have had some kind of built-in impossibility to them. K and I were compatible in our quirkiness and I thought in many of our views on the world...but he reacted to EVERYTHING I said and did with distrust and annoyance, it seemed. And that in turn made me defensive. And it all seems so stupid, certainly not worth having to face this day, and the next, and the next and so on, feeling this confused and awful.

 

Do you really think we change ourselves to attract better relationships...or is it just that one day, that person comes along with whom we can just have a better relationship, despite our issues, our crap? I mean, I don't think I'm any more issue-ridden than my happily married friends.

 

Anyway. Just venting, feeling very sad.

 

Thanks for the "toasts." :-)

[OpenBook]

Do you really think we change ourselves to attract better relationships...

 

Yes. Every relationship we have is a Teacher, a crucial process we go through to learn how to form those fundamental building blocks.

 

or is it just that one day, that person comes along with whom we can just have a better relationship, despite our issues, our crap?

 

Yes, also true. He just hasn't come along yet. A poster on here, I think it's Art Critic, has the explanation in his signature, that when the right person comes along you'll understand why it never worked out with anyone else.

 

I mean, I don't think I'm any more issue-ridden than my happily married friends.

 

You're not. Their time just came earlier than yours. You just have to have a lot of faith and a lot of patience. Things are unfolding exactly as they should.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks, OpenBook. All very kind and very wise.

[tbf]

GC, not sure what to say. I have a feeling this isn't over but if I'm wrong which could easily be the case, I think it's for the best. Your relationship dynamics were fraught full of power struggles and insecurities. Sometimes people can be toxic for us, even if they're not toxic individuals.

[sunshinegirl]

How do you know you're a "difficult" person? I don't think I'm so difficult; I mean, I am a caring person, generally well-liked if kind-of on my own program much of the time; I'm very sensitive but also resilient and pragmatic; I'm spontaneous but also stable.... And yet, all, ALL, of my romantic relationships have had some kind of built-in impossibility to them. K and I were compatible in our quirkiness and I thought in many of our views on the world...but he reacted to EVERYTHING I said and did with distrust and annoyance, it seemed. And that in turn made me defensive. And it all seems so stupid, certainly not worth having to face this day, and the next, and the next and so on, feeling this confused and awful.

 

If I'm not mistaken, GC, in every one of your relationships, those incompatibilities were evident from the start, and you made the choice to keep going despite that. This goes to my sense that your "man-picker" needs some attention. It's entirely possible that more compatible men are in your orbit, it's just that you seem to zero in on the ones that are inevitably fraught and challenging.

 

Have to run for the time being; will try to come back later to add a few more thoughts.

[sunshinegirl]

How do you know you're a "difficult" person? I don't think I'm so difficult; I mean, I am a caring person, generally well-liked if kind-of on my own program much of the time; I'm very sensitive but also resilient and pragmatic; I'm spontaneous but also stable.... And yet, all, ALL, of my romantic relationships have had some kind of built-in impossibility to them. K and I were compatible in our quirkiness and I thought in many of our views on the world...but he reacted to EVERYTHING I said and did with distrust and annoyance, it seemed. And that in turn made me defensive. And it all seems so stupid, certainly not worth having to face this day, and the next, and the next and so on, feeling this confused and awful.

 

I don't think it's you being difficult. It's picking/staying in relationships where the interactions are consistently triggering one or both of you, causing defensive cycles and otherwise just not bringing out your best.

 

Do you really think we change ourselves to attract better relationships...or is it just that one day, that person comes along with whom we can just have a better relationship, despite our issues, our crap? I mean, I don't think I'm any more issue-ridden than my happily married friends.

 

Yes, and yes. I worked on/changed myself, which made me OPEN to the guy who came along when I wasn't looking.

 

I was getting in my own way and it took me a really long time to even see it. My counselor said at one point that a healthy relationship for me would feel kind of boring. At the time that sounded like the kiss of death, but now that I'm in a healthy relationship, I totally get what she meant. I basically trained/taught/therapized (is that a word?) my way out of being attracted to the unavailables. There was a drama and excitement to chasing/choosing men whom I thought I could 'win' over, but the thing about a healthy relationship is that you don't have to fight to win them.

 

The trick is to actually be open to, and to seek, a different kind of man.

[Zapbasket]

The trick is to actually be open to, and to seek, a different kind of man.

 

Oh, I'm so glad you said this. I'm not sure how to phrase my question: how would you define the "different"? And I don't mean "available" versus "unavailable." The awful thing about being caught in this pattern I seem to be in is that the men I've been with so far seem, at first, like they very well *could* be available. There's always some sort of mystery there at first, maybe, that (again, maybe) I feel compelled to "figure out." And I don't register the "mystery" as a danger sign at first, because it induces a positive feeling, a compelling feeling: being compelled to figure it out. And maybe I end up thinking that if I could figure out the mystery, then the key to the man would be unlocked, hence making him "available."

 

So, then, is this "different kind of man" lacking in mystery? That's also the tricky thing, it seems, for me. Because whenever you meet someone new, male or female, someone who seems interesting, there's that wanting to know more about them, that feels like a mystery, a new promising book in your hands, or a flower opening, or some such. So how do you tell the difference--the difference between the mystery that is a new person in your life, and the mystery that is a void in someone, i.e., their unavailability?

 

I know you said that at first you weren't attracted to your now husband; you initially friend-zoned him. But then he won you over. What won you over? How did you change from not seeing him as a genuine prospect, to reveling in him as your now husband? What...vapor...did he give off that was different than the other, crummy guys and what different feelings did he arouse in you?

 

See, for me so far, I can't even imagine the "different man." I've never known him. I can't think of anyone who could have come into my orbit and because I'm sadly and unconsciously drawn to the unavailables, somehow I overlooked this person. I've never had a good man pursue me, it seems. So for me, trying to imagine this "different man" is like trying to imagine what extraterrestrials might look/be like: inevitably my imagination fashions him in the form of what is familiar to me.

 

I was getting in my own way and it took me a really long time to even see it. My counselor said at one point that a healthy relationship for me would feel kind of boring. At the time that sounded like the kiss of death, but now that I'm in a healthy relationship, I totally get what she meant. I basically trained/taught/therapized (is that a word?) my way out of being attracted to the unavailables. There was a drama and excitement to chasing/choosing men whom I thought I could 'win' over, but the thing about a healthy relationship is that you don't have to fight to win them.

 

You mentioned this once before, about a healthy relationship feeling "boring" in comparison to an unhealthy one. I've stashed that notion away in an effort to imagine what the relationship I want would look and feel like. It's a great thing that your counselor said; I can really see how it would be true.

 

I know I'm asking you not one, but several, complex questions, but I'm going to throw them out there anyway with the thought that your answers might benefit other people, in addition to me, caught on a relational "sick-cycle carousel" (shout-out to TBF!). What was in the work you did with the counselor that opened your mind to mobilize a different man-picker, to find that "different man"? I ask because I'm in this confused place right now where intellectually I seem to have all the "answers"--e.g., my father committed suicide when I was two and so that's one reason I pick unavailable partners; I felt somehow at fault in my father's death--he didn't want me, etc.--and so I accept treatment from people in my life that is much less than I deserve; I had a mean step-dad and coped by telling myself his love was around the next corner, etc. And it all just feels like one big yadda-yadda. Like, "Okay, but how does knowing that help me pick something else the next time around?" Because I have known these things for years now, yet here I am, eyes wide shut, same old miserable outcome and feeling my life slipping by in a morass of unfulfilling relationships. So what's the ticket? What's the thing that will genuinely tilt me on my axis so that my orbit points to the "different man"? What was it for you?

 

Thanks. You have no idea how much the insights you have posted help. Not that I've figured a thing out yet, but your insights help provide a direction and grist. (((hugs)))

[Zapbasket]

GC, not sure what to say. I have a feeling this isn't over but if I'm wrong which could easily be the case, I think it's for the best. Your relationship dynamics were fraught full of power struggles and insecurities. Sometimes people can be toxic for us, even if they're not toxic individuals.

 

I think this really could be it between K and me. And I have, I'll admit, mixed feelings about that.

[sunshinegirl]

Oh, I'm so glad you said this. I'm not sure how to phrase my question: how would you define the "different"? And I don't mean "available" versus "unavailable." The awful thing about being caught in this pattern I seem to be in is that the men I've been with so far seem, at first, like they very well *could* be available. There's always some sort of mystery there at first, maybe, that (again, maybe) I feel compelled to "figure out." And I don't register the "mystery" as a danger sign at first, because it induces a positive feeling, a compelling feeling: being compelled to figure it out. And maybe I end up thinking that if I could figure out the mystery, then the key to the man would be unlocked, hence making him "available."

 

So, then, is this "different kind of man" lacking in mystery? That's also the tricky thing, it seems, for me. Because whenever you meet someone new, male or female, someone who seems interesting, there's that wanting to know more about them, that feels like a mystery, a new promising book in your hands, or a flower opening, or some such. So how do you tell the difference--the difference between the mystery that is a new person in your life, and the mystery that is a void in someone, i.e., their unavailability?

 

You're conflating two completely different things. Of course there's mystery when you meet someone new - you know nothing about them. That's normal and exciting "mystery". BAD mystery is when you try to learn about this new person, and they withhold information, change the subject, distract, act vague, say one thing but do another, etc. Mystery because the other person won't let you in is BAD. Make sense? That should be a sign to run away, not a sign to dig in, imagining that you will be the person to break through their long-entrenched pattern. Also BAD is to know that the relationship will only work if they change something...but you stay in it anyway. (Note: only after all my self-work (see below) did I get healthy enough to say I'm no longer in the business of dating fix-it projects.)

 

I know you said that at first you weren't attracted to your now husband; you initially friend-zoned him. But then he won you over. What won you over? How did you change from not seeing him as a genuine prospect, to reveling in him as your now husband? What...vapor...did he give off that was different than the other, crummy guys and what different feelings did he arouse in you?

 

I was still doing my "work" when we met, and wasn't yet ready to consider a romantic relationship. He was also so very different from men I had previously dated that it threw me off balance a little. I didn't know what to do about the fact that he was so forthcoming about liking me, and wanting to get to know me, and that he wasn't particularly scared off when I didn't immediately return his interest (in my case, I was used to doing the chasing). Everything about him said 'available' - he wasn't hiding the ball, he wasn't shy about saying he was looking for a relationship and wanted a family, anything I asked he was an open book in responding. He also wasn't intimidated by me, and wasn't afraid to tease or rib me, and that intrigued me. I'll elaborate at another time about the transition that took place between Sept and Oct the year we met; that's when I realized that he matched up with the kind of man I truly wanted, and our chemistry really kicked in.

 

See, for me so far, I can't even imagine the "different man." I've never known him. I can't think of anyone who could have come into my orbit and because I'm sadly and unconsciously drawn to the unavailables, somehow I overlooked this person. I've never had a good man pursue me, it seems. So for me, trying to imagine this "different man" is like trying to imagine what extraterrestrials might look/be like: inevitably my imagination fashions him in the form of what is familiar to me.

 

You're getting way ahead of yourself here. Don't worry about imagining the "different man" right now. Your work is to understand why you're drawn to the men you are -- because it's not working for you. After you do your work, you'll be able to picture that different man.

 

I know I'm asking you not one, but several, complex questions, but I'm going to throw them out there anyway with the thought that your answers might benefit other people, in addition to me, caught on a relational "sick-cycle carousel" (shout-out to TBF!). What was in the work you did with the counselor that opened your mind to mobilize a different man-picker, to find that "different man"? I ask because I'm in this confused place right now where intellectually I seem to have all the "answers"--e.g., my father committed suicide when I was two and so that's one reason I pick unavailable partners; I felt somehow at fault in my father's death--he didn't want me, etc.--and so I accept treatment from people in my life that is much less than I deserve; I had a mean step-dad and coped by telling myself his love was around the next corner, etc. And it all just feels like one big yadda-yadda. Like, "Okay, but how does knowing that help me pick something else the next time around?" Because I have known these things for years now, yet here I am, eyes wide shut, same old miserable outcome and feeling my life slipping by in a morass of unfulfilling relationships. So what's the ticket? What's the thing that will genuinely tilt me on my axis so that my orbit points to the "different man"? What was it for you?

 

There's a lot in here to respond to. Here was my basic process:

 

(1) Horrible end of a relationship in 2008 that I call my "epiphany relationship" (a friend coined the term) - because that is the relationship that FINALLY made me say, "what the HELL is going on? Why are all of my relationships ending like this?" which in turn was the catalyst for me getting my butt into therapy. I finally accepted that I was the common denominator.

(2) Lots of deep work with my therapist on family of origin issues. Here is where I would say it sounds like you haven't really, REALLY dug in to the impacts of your FOO on your beliefs about yourself and relationships. I bet there is some deep sh$t in there that you have not examined. In my case, this was a really scary and dark and depressing period. But it was also temporary, AND absolutely necessary to my getting to a better place.

(3) Parallel self-help work using books like "Women Who Love Too Much." The title is cheesy but there was GREAT content in there and doing some of the exercises in this and other related titles really illuminated my patterns with men. I had several "a ha" moments from doing this work.

(4) After some months of doing (2) and (3) I started doing affirmations and visioning (a la Martha Beck). These felt somewhat hokey at the time, but in retrospect I actually think this step was critical in terms of restoring my hope and confidence and openness to the future, whatever it was going to bring. I don't think it's mere coincidence that I met my husband only after I had started doing affirmations & visioning. (Yes, it still took a couple of months for me to connect my relationship vision with the man standing in front of me, but being crystal clear about what I was looking for made it that much easier to eventually recognize that I had found it.)

[Zapbasket]

You're conflating two completely different things. Of course there's mystery when you meet someone new - you know nothing about them. That's normal and exciting "mystery". BAD mystery is when you try to learn about this new person, and they withhold information, change the subject, distract, act vague, say one thing but do another, etc. Mystery because the other person won't let you in is BAD. Make sense? That should be a sign to run away, not a sign to dig in, imagining that you will be the person to break through their long-entrenched pattern. Also BAD is to know that the relationship will only work if they change something...but you stay in it anyway. (Note: only after all my self-work (see below) did I get healthy enough to say I'm no longer in the business of dating fix-it projects.)

 

This is a very clear differentiation. I hope that as I better understand what is mobilized in me when there is mutual attraction between a man and me, I'll be better able first, to suss out what is GOOD mystery and what is BAD mystery, and then, to act on what I come to know. Right now something happens within me when there is a romantic prospect that is NOT operative out of my intellect, intuition, or interpersonal skill. It comes from a very tiny child piece with which clearly I'm not acquainted. Basically, romantic prospect-->weakest version of GC.

 

 

 

...he was so forthcoming about liking me, and wanting to get to know me, and that he wasn't particularly scared off when I didn't immediately return his interest (in my case, I was used to doing the chasing). Everything about him said 'available' - he wasn't hiding the ball, he wasn't shy about saying he was looking for a relationship and wanted a family, anything I asked he was an open book in responding. He also wasn't intimidated by me, and wasn't afraid to tease or rib me, and that intrigued me.

 

I don't think I'd know what to do with that at first, either! Every guy I've dated has been emotionally closed off in some way. Except for the creepy narcissist psychologist older douche-dude who brought me out west back in 2008. He was very expressive and articulate about his feelings and his past; he just continually gave off red flags that I somehow managed to ignore. But to experience someone genuinely open, eager, without obvious hang-ups.... WOW.

 

Your work is to understand why you're drawn to the men you are -- because it's not working for you. After you do your work, you'll be able to picture that different man.

 

This is along the lines of what my therapist said to me today. He said that I pick the archetypal "pirate"--wounded, impotent men with peg legs and and a hook, and a parrot on their shoulders so that I never know who's talking. And that the reason I pick these men has much to do with my stepfather. I don't see it yet at all...but I'm sure I will begin to, soon.

 

I ordered the "Women Who Love Too Much" book this weekend, along with "When Things Fall Apart." I need a way to watch myself in action and I'm hoping the "Women" book will help me do that.

 

Here's another question for you, SSG: what if, after doing all this work, you had not met anyone promising? Did you feel that the work you did prepared you to be happy alone, even if that meant waiting five or more years longer to meet someone who ticked all your boxes?

[blueoak]

From your post, what I see K's mother is does not care about how you feel. All I can see is a helicopter mom protecting her son, no matter what her son did.

 

You gonna be really careful about making the choice. You already mentioned your mom is your only family. Your future husband's family is extremely influential to your life. I would suggest you to break with him for a longer period of time and really think about it calmly.

[Zapbasket]

Hey Blueoak,

 

Thanks for your thoughts. My first post on this thread was back in June and since then, it looks like my relationship with K is over for good...and quite possibly by extension with his family, as well, much as I love them.

 

What I'm trying to examine now is how I keep ending up in these terribly sad situations where I know the guy is not capable of the kind of relationship I want, or we're incompatible, and I stay, and get more attached only to end up having to endure these painful goodbyes and the harrowing reality of all the time lost.

[sunshinegirl]

But to experience someone genuinely open, eager, without obvious hang-ups.... WOW.

 

Yeah, it was pretty mind boggling at the time. Now, to be clear, H is not perfect (nor am I) and we have stumbled into some conflict/"issues" recently...but we are equally committed to working through it. We are both willing to look at ourselves, and we prioritize the commitment we've made to each other. That's a big difference from the men I used to chase.

 

Here's another question for you, SSG: what if, after doing all this work, you had not met anyone promising? Did you feel that the work you did prepared you to be happy alone, even if that meant waiting five or more years longer to meet someone who ticked all your boxes?

 

In short, YES. I knew that doing the work wasn't a silver bullet and wouldn't guarantee that I would find the love of my life anytime soon. At the same time, I did increasingly feel confident that I would meet him at some point, even if I was 50 or 60 when it happened. So my work included figuring out how to embrace the life I had, even while keeping a clear picture of the life I hoped to have one day. In my case it also meant making peace with the idea of not bearing children (I wasn't up for having/raising one solo). The great news in all that, is that I DID find peace in all of it - there was this amazing feeling of letting go that lifted a huge burden from my shoulders. I came to love this Martha Beck affirmation/mantra: "Everything is already OK." From a very deep place, I stopped looking for my mate. This meant I no longer had that quiet anxiety and (and then ache) every time I met someone, wondering "is he the one? how about him? or maybe it's this one?" I truly no longer "needed" to find him, and I began to believe that when it's right, it will happen, and I don't have to keep striving to make it happen. Truly and deeply letting go set me free.

[Zapbasket]

I feel so low. Just...gutted. Yes, I mourn the loss of K and his family...but more than that--much more than that--I mourn having spent three-plus years in a relationship that had to end. I'm so worn out from these endings, the previous two of which were absolutely devastating. This one is devastating only because it reveals and confirms a pattern in the kind of men I choose, all fundamentally unavailable or incompatible (usually a mix of both) in some way.

 

Life is not meant to be spent this way, surely. I have been subsumed in unhappy relationships since 2004--relationships where what should have been perfectly solvable problems lingered unsolved despite hypervigilance on my part (the hypervigilance because I could sense things not working on some fundamental level and didn't know what it meant or what to do about it); where more time was spent misunderstanding and arguing with one another than with being out enjoying the world side by side. For this reason I have spent nearly the past DECADE always under a cloud of unhappiness. Not that good things didn't happen in my life during this time that made me happy, but there was always this Difficult Relationship to deal with, or deep mourning over the dramatic losses of one of these difficult relationships.

 

I'm exhausted. And my confidence is shattered. I feel like I have so much to give in relationships...but I have nothing to show for it. None of the guys I've dated ever even want anything to do with me after all is said and done...and I guess I haven't wanted anything to do with them, either.

[Zapbasket]

We are both willing to look at ourselves, and we prioritize the commitment we've made to each other. That's a big difference from the men I used to chase.

 

It sounds like you are never left with that discomfiting sense that you are alone in the relationship. I can imagine that this fact alone brings out your better communication patterns, which in turn makes it easier for him, etc. When you can be partners even in conflict, then conflict feels much less frightening, I'll bet.

 

In short, YES. I knew that doing the work wasn't a silver bullet and wouldn't guarantee that I would find the love of my life anytime soon.

 

It sounds, then, like much of the work you did was to find happiness inside yourself, rather than predicating your happiness on finding that "right" relationship. From where I sit, that is the toughest thing, because I want a loving relationship so badly, and this desire *feels* healthy to me. I guess what's unhealthy is how I cling to relationships even when they are not particularly loving, because I am so terrified of "failing" and then being "punished" by being alone.

 

At the same time, I did increasingly feel confident that I would meet him at some point, even if I was 50 or 60 when it happened. So my work included figuring out how to embrace the life I had, even while keeping a clear picture of the life I hoped to have one day.

 

I really hope I can learn to do that. Maybe if I can embrace the life I have more, then I'll be more able to walk away from romantic prospects at those first, early signs of incompatibility.

 

I have to say, though, I've always wondered whether people who remain single long after most of their peers have married (and, in some cases, divorced) truly feel happy at their core. I remember when I was 21 I stayed over at one of my mentors' apartments to care for her dog while she was away. I perused her bookshelves one evening, and when I pulled this one book off the shelf a piece of paper fell out and on it was a list of my 45-year-old single mentor's goals. One of them was, simply, "A loving relationship." And I remember feeling such compassion and warmth upon the discovery that my super-tough, talented mentor was vulnerable. And I wondered why a loving relationship had eluded her thus far, and I imagined that perhaps she felt sad or wistful about it. Here it is fifteen years later and she's still single.

 

It scares me to think I could be 45 and still wishing for that loving relationship. Or 50, or older. From my place now, I just can't imagine I won't struggle with that.

 

In my case it also meant making peace with the idea of not bearing children (I wasn't up for having/raising one solo).

 

This is HUGE for me right now. Though there is history on both sides of my family of women having healthy babies at age 40 and even up to age 45, I'm terrified that my time is running out. I, too, don't want to raise a child solo. It's all part of what I have always envisioned in my loving relationship: that one great joy we'd share together was creating and raising a new human being. I'm already trying to work on accepting that this may not happen for me...but it's hard.

 

From a very deep place, I stopped looking for my mate. This meant I no longer had that quiet anxiety and (and then ache) every time I met someone, wondering "is he the one? how about him? or maybe it's this one?" I truly no longer "needed" to find him, and I began to believe that when it's right, it will happen, and I don't have to keep striving to make it happen. Truly and deeply letting go set me free.

 

This is what I want to work on in the next year. I don't want to go on the online dating sites; I don't like online dating. I don't even particularly want to date; I want, finally, to carve some peace for myself after this devastating cycle of failed relationships. I want understanding, peace, and acceptance and I do believe, in my deepest part of my soul, that you just have to be ready and receptive to LETTING it happen; you can't MAKE it happen.

 

I have a long, long way to go.

[sunshinegirl]

I have a long, long way to go.

 

It's true...you do have a bit of a wrestling match in front of you. I remember feeling, if not saying aloud, much of what you've written here. You will feel crummy for some period of time. (No way out but through, and all that.) But the great news is that you may have finally reached the place where you're ready to do some heavy lifting, and get yourself to a better and happier place.

 

I know right now you feel like you've wasted a decade. You might not shake that feeling for awhile. But I am guessing that somewhere down the road, you will feel differently about this period.

 

My bad dating stretch lasted about that long - from 2000 til 2009 - and today, what I would say is this: (1) I am a much different person today than I was in the early 2000's and the guy who would have been a match for me then would be NO match for me today (so I'd be divorced, or unhappily married) and (2) (related) H and I would not have been right for each other 10 years ago, so I really can't regret those years because they shaped me into the person who was a match for H, as well as someone who could see that H was a match for me.

 

I'd say just try to take things a day at a time. You haven't done the work yet so of course it all feels impossible and overwhelming and scary right now. It will be hard and you'll have more moments of feeling gutted. But it's the medicine that will ultimately heal you. I really believe that.

 

BTW, it really helped me to have a close friend who went through this very process herself, and she was able to prop me up and assure me that things would get better, that the "yuck" is just part of the process, and that I wouldn't always be stuck in the yuck. It would be great if you have someone in your real life who can play that role. If not, you always have friends on LS who can encourage you along the way.

[Zapbasket]

BTW, it really helped me to have a close friend who went through this very process herself, and she was able to prop me up and assure me that things would get better, that the "yuck" is just part of the process, and that I wouldn't always be stuck in the yuck. It would be great if you have someone in your real life who can play that role. If not, you always have friends on LS who can encourage you along the way.

 

Thanks, SSG. That's part of my challenge, I think. Recently a spate of friends got married and/or are starting families. And the ongoing problem with where I live is that I cannot seem to find single thirty-somethings who share my values and interests...or really, single thirty-somethings, period. It's the nature, is seems, of this mountain town, at least, to attract people straight out of college, or rich retirees, or trust-funders who don't have to work, or families who want to raise their kids in the mountains. My demographic is not present here.

 

The cruel irony is that K WAS that friend that was going through a challenging period in his life, like me. I've lost the one support I have where I live. I'm looking in the local paper for activities I can attend--I'm going to a meditation workshop on Sunday, and an acquaintance twenty years older than me called me out of the blue to do a hike this weekend. My best friend is currently driving across the country to move to the west coast where her husband will begin a doctoral program, and another friend, whose parents actually have a house here so she's in town regularly, just got married and I don't want to be the Eeyore amidst her happiness.

 

I was considering my options of where to move to, but now that this has happened I feel I need to spend some time going deep inside myself and not scrambling to move away. So somehow I have to find a way to eke out some support for myself here, when I haven't found much of it in the three years I've been here. Few people here even know about K's and my relationship--not while we were together, and certainly not now, when we are apart. We both have been leading very isolated lives here, in part because we just don't fit here in some ways. The thing going for him is that, while there aren't really any single female thirty-somethings here, there are a TON of single male thirty-somethings for him to do fun activities with. This place is Mecca for thirty- and forty-something men who want a life playing outdoors, with no commitments, etc. Hence: not the men I want to date (which is probably why there are so few female thirty-somethings here).

 

Yeah. So, pretty friggin' lonely. I feel like it's time for something good to start to happen for me. I've been trying, and trying, and now I'm trying to try differently through therapy.... It's just time. This has really sucked.

[sunshinegirl]

Thanks, SSG. That's part of my challenge, I think. Recently a spate of friends got married and/or are starting families. And the ongoing problem with where I live is that I cannot seem to find single thirty-somethings who share my values and interests...or really, single thirty-somethings, period. It's the nature, is seems, of this mountain town, at least, to attract people straight out of college, or rich retirees, or trust-funders who don't have to work, or families who want to raise their kids in the mountains. My demographic is not present here.

 

The cruel irony is that K WAS that friend that was going through a challenging period in his life, like me. I've lost the one support I have where I live. I'm looking in the local paper for activities I can attend--I'm going to a meditation workshop on Sunday, and an acquaintance twenty years older than me called me out of the blue to do a hike this weekend. My best friend is currently driving across the country to move to the west coast where her husband will begin a doctoral program, and another friend, whose parents actually have a house here so she's in town regularly, just got married and I don't want to be the Eeyore amidst her happiness.

 

I was considering my options of where to move to, but now that this has happened I feel I need to spend some time going deep inside myself and not scrambling to move away. So somehow I have to find a way to eke out some support for myself here, when I haven't found much of it in the three years I've been here. Few people here even know about K's and my relationship--not while we were together, and certainly not now, when we are apart. We both have been leading very isolated lives here, in part because we just don't fit here in some ways. The thing going for him is that, while there aren't really any single female thirty-somethings here, there are a TON of single male thirty-somethings for him to do fun activities with. This place is Mecca for thirty- and forty-something men who want a life playing outdoors, with no commitments, etc. Hence: not the men I want to date (which is probably why there are so few female thirty-somethings here).

 

Yeah. So, pretty friggin' lonely. I feel like it's time for something good to start to happen for me. I've been trying, and trying, and now I'm trying to try differently through therapy.... It's just time. This has really sucked.

 

I'm not one to advocate running away, but it does seem like you've struggled pretty mightily to find your peeps in CO in the years since you've been there. Is there a possibility that your life back in NYC (where I assume you still have friends/support system?) would be a better place for you to do this work? Would being closer to your mom help?

[tbf]

GC, my perception of you is that you're an introverted intellectual. Smaller cities or towns aren't good for you which includes a very limited variety of career opportunities.

 

It's time to move but this time, find yourself a city full of career opportunities. Once you've established yourself, friendships might organically unfold from working with people within your field(s) of expertise.

[Zapbasket]

I'm not one to advocate running away, but it does seem like you've struggled pretty mightily to find your peeps in CO in the years since you've been there. Is there a possibility that your life back in NYC (where I assume you still have friends/support system?) would be a better place for you to do this work? Would being closer to your mom help?

 

Sadly (though good for all of them), most of my network from back in 2008 when I was in NYC has since scattered away from the city to smaller cities where it's easier to raise families / more outdoors opportunities / etc. I'd have to rebuild from scratch.

 

Also, I don't think I could live in NYC again. Colorado has changed me; the mountains have changed me. I'm no longer interested in the NYC rat race, and in many respects I've become more and more of a "mountain girl." I just can't relinquish my love for culture and intellectual stimulation and that's where I'm not getting my needs met, meeting like minds, etc.

 

I'm working on my first book right now and my mom has offered to let me move home to finish it while I help her pack up the house so that she can move to a smaller place requiring less maintenance. She's in suburban NJ which I didn't even like growing up, and it will be very isolating if conducive to finishing my book. I'm considering it but there are a lot of cons to grapple with.

 

I'm thinking about a place like Berkeley and may take a short trip there to see if it "speaks" to me at this stage of my life. The thought of having to pick up and move is overwhelming to me right now, tbh. There's a possibility of a corporate opportunity here and I'm waiting to see how it pans out.