Aftermath of dating someone with BPD

[theLWord]

I dated a woman for about 2 years off and on.. She has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She was molested at a young age. I have been through more in this relationship than all relationships combined.

 

There were suicide threats frequently, she cut herself at the beginning of the relationship, she actually did hit me once, the cops were called on us because she wouldn't stop screaming at my apartment, she went really psycho when she would drink, extreme jealousy, lying, and she constantly said she was scared I would abandon her.

 

The good parts of the relationship though keep coming back in my mind. My ex was incredibly attractive. I know it seems shallow to be so hung up on that, but I am scared I'll always compare women to her. She was a prototype to what I thought I wanted (when she was acting sane). The sex was the best I've ever had. Also scared nothing will compare in that department. She was caring, interested in my life, believed in me, supported me, etc..

 

It's been a little over a week since I finally broke up with her. I blocked her e-mail and phone number and am doing NC. I'm now trying to focus on fixing myself rather than her. I've never thought I had many issues, but after researching a lot about BPD, I guess I must. I didn't think I had low self esteem, quite the opposite actually, but to stay in a relationship like that must have proved that I do, right? The fact that I was trying to fix her for so long and thought she would be different with me is troubling.

 

My question is to people who have been with a person with bpd (or similar disorder), how did you cope with the aftermath of the abuse you put up with? How did you fix yourself to not repeat that kind of relationship again?

 

I am in therapy but what should I tell my therapist so I can get real internal work done? I can't go through this ever again!

[Downtown]

Lword, your therapist will give you guidance on building stronger personal boundaries -- which will allow you to be more sensitive to your own needs and to accept responsibility for creating your own sense of happiness. You will learn how to make yourself happy instead of allowing your partner's feelings to define your own feelings. And you will learn how to be satisfied with a partner who doesn't desperately need you -- and to be satisfied with a relationship that doesn't start off with fireworks in the first week. Those things, at least, were the things I had to learn when leaving my BPDer exW.

[M30USA]

Lword, your therapist will give you guidance on building stronger personal boundaries -- which will allow you to be more sensitive to your own needs and to accept responsibility for creating your own sense of happiness. You will learn how to make yourself happy instead of allowing your partner's feelings to define your own feelings. And you will learn how to be satisfied with a partner who doesn't desperately need you -- and to be satisfied with a relationship that doesn't start off with fireworks in the first week. Those things, at least, were the things I had to learn when leaving my BPDer exW.

 

As always, Downtown, a great post. Hit home for me.

[CopingGal]

Hi. I dated a sociopath (he had Antisocial Personality Disorder) who was also a compulsive liar, and had traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. At the time, I was not able to get therapy the way I wanted. I spoke to a therapist on the phone some times, but I didn't have real session because I could not afford it. I'm in therapy now.

 

What helped me tremendously was reading self-help books that had lots of exercises in it. I processed a lot of information. I learned a lot about myself. My parents had a terrible marriage. My father rejected my mom every day of the week. I thought you date someone if you like them and just deal with the rest. I learned that that is wrong. I learned that you have to ask yourself:

 

-Is this person good for me?

-Does this person treat me well?

-Does this person respect me?

-and many other questions.

 

I learned that if your partner is treating you poorly, you don't stay just because he treated you well in the past. You look at the current situation.

 

I learned about what I would accept and not accept next time. I learned to put down boundaries.

 

My ex kept me isolated from all of the people in his life. He put me in some kind of box and never called on the weekends. He rejected me throughout the relationship and fed me lies non-stop to keep me. I thought his time was so limited because he was a single father and he had a bad work schedule. My ex limited his time in the relationship because that is what he wanted. I was so fixated on trying to be understanding toward my ex that he easily took advantage of me on a regular basis.

 

Self-help books really assisted me tremendously. I will never date another man who did not make me feel that I was a big part of his life. I will never date another man that keeps me isolated from other parts of his life.

 

It was easy for him to tell me countless lies because I loved him and I wanted to believe in him.

 

I'm much wiser now. I've learned a lot. I no longer let men take advantage of me.

[M30USA]

Let me share what has helped me GREATLY since my experience with this:

 

1) Prayer. Speficially giving the Holy Spirit full reign over your life and admitting that even though you don't want to forgive, you consciously decide to forgive. You ask the Holy Spirit to change your feelings so that your feelings follow your decision on this, rather than your decision following your feelings.

 

2) Accepting that they will NOT change and will NOT be the way they "should" be. (In their eyes there is nothing wrong with them at all, and therefore to change is to change what's already perfect and without fault.)

 

3) Forgiveness. This is a cliche phrase, so I'll tell you what it means in my book: to understand that they possibly behaved the way they did because they are too weak to do what is right, to truly know that if God put ALL the judgement in your hands that you wouldn't hold it against them, and that you can honestly wish them well. (Not that you pass off what they did as acceptable, but rather than you know it's unacceptable but can still "accept" it.)

[hayewils]

I was in a similar relationship back in 2004.

The girl was insane. Drink, go ballistic, there was no calming her down.

She got mad at me one night, I left the house for a few hours. went to visit my mother for a while. the whole time I was there, my cell phone was exploding. when I went back home, all the lights in the house were one. she was no where to be found. I went to the fridge, she drank a twelve pack..

on medication mind you.. so im searching, I go into the closet, she is sitting on the floor behind some clothes.. I reached down, told her to get up. when I helped her up, she came out from behind the clothes and had a big butcher knife.. I took it away from her,, she wound up with it again later and then I had to fight for it. Its a wonder one of us didn't get stabbed.. the cops of course were called out.. embarrassing moment to have the cops, fire department, ambulance out front of the house.. anyway, I finally ran that off from my life. I had to cut her off.. no contact.

you can not fix people like that.. they have to take the initiative to fix themselves. I remember the sex being the best experience of my life with her too. very nice looking woman.. but nuttier than a fruit cake

Take it all as a big boo boo and walk away bro.. you did what you could but all that kind of malfunctioning equipment is enough to drive you nuts yourself. After her, I took the next couple years off from dating and I enjoyed myself being single, I was happy and content.. now I just have to start over and get myself back there again, unfortunately.. life goes on

[M30USA]

I was in a similar relationship back in 2004.

The girl was insane. Drink, go ballistic, there was no calming her down.

She got mad at me one night, I left the house for a few hours. went to visit my mother for a while. the whole time I was there, my cell phone was exploding. when I went back home, all the lights in the house were one. she was no where to be found. I went to the fridge, she drank a twelve pack..

on medication mind you.. so im searching, I go into the closet, she is sitting on the floor behind some clothes.. I reached down, told her to get up. when I helped her up, she came out from behind the clothes and had a big butcher knife.. I took it away from her,, she wound up with it again later and then I had to fight for it. Its a wonder one of us didn't get stabbed.. the cops of course were called out.. embarrassing moment to have the cops, fire department, ambulance out front of the house.. anyway, I finally ran that off from my life. I had to cut her off.. no contact.

you can not fix people like that.. they have to take the initiative to fix themselves. I remember the sex being the best experience of my life with her too. very nice looking woman.. but nuttier than a fruit cake

Take it all as a big boo boo and walk away bro.. you did what you could but all that kind of malfunctioning equipment is enough to drive you nuts yourself. After her, I took the next couple years off from dating and I enjoyed myself being single, I was happy and content.. now I just have to start over and get myself back there again, unfortunately.. life goes on

 

Wow, I am surprised (and relieved) that neither of you got stabbed by that butcher knife during her mayhem.

 

The hardest part is hoping and praying that the person will change, but facing the reality that they won't. You so desperately WANT them to stop the insanity but you realize that, in their minds, they are waiting for YOU to stop "driving them" to that point--even though "driving them" means just existing--either speaking, remaining silent, getting angry, or staying completely calm. It matters not.

 

Any person who knows about these personality disorders knows their triggers can be PERCEIVED OR REAL. It's in their own head but you get pinned for EVERYTHING because their demons are too difficult for them to face so you, then, must face them for them (meaning it's all your fault). If you CAN bear this burden, more power to you. But most people cannot. Even if you want to, eventually you break, regardless of what you want.

Edited June 20, 2013 by M30USA

[TheFinalWord]

Let me share what has helped me GREATLY since my experience with this:

 

1) Prayer. Speficially giving the Holy Spirit full reign over your life and admitting that even though you don't want to forgive, you consciously decide to forgive. You ask the Holy Spirit to change your feelings so that your feelings follow your decision on this, rather than your decision following your feelings.

 

2) Accepting that they will NOT change and will NOT be the way they "should" be. (In their eyes there is nothing wrong with them at all, and therefore to change is to change what's already perfect and without fault.)

 

3) Forgiveness. This is a cliche phrase, so I'll tell you what it means in my book: to understand that they possibly behaved the way they did because they are too weak to do what is right, to truly know that if God put ALL the judgement in your hands that you wouldn't hold it against them, and that you can honestly wish them well. (Not that you pass off what they did as acceptable, but rather than you know it's unacceptable but can still "accept" it.)

 

That's a great outline.

[Emilia]

My question is to people who have been with a person with bpd (or similar disorder), how did you cope with the aftermath of the abuse you put up with? How did you fix yourself to not repeat that kind of relationship again?

My ex wasn't abusive but he was and still is a broken man. I had to learn how not to allow myself to get tangled in and drawn into another person's issues and problems to 'help' them (ie control them). My naivety then astonishes me now

[M30USA]

My ex wasn't abusive but he was and still is a broken man. I had to learn how not to allow myself to get tangled in and drawn into another person's issues and problems to 'help' them (ie control them). My naivety then astonishes me now

 

Nothing wrong with helping your spouse. But needing to be their savior is another thing. Only Jesus has the strength to fulfil that role.

[Emilia]

Nothing wrong with helping your spouse. But needing to be their savior is another thing. Only Jesus has the strength to fulfil that role.

Erm no. People need to help themselves and you need to help others. Religion should be kept out of it as many of us are non-believers. Thanks.

[M30USA]

Erm no. People need to help themselves and you need to help others. Religion should be kept out of it as many of us are non-believers. Thanks.

 

Atheism should be kept out of it as many of us are believers. Thanks.

[Emilia]

Atheism should be kept out of it as many of us are believers. Thanks.

Then maybe don't start bringing religion into it in the first place? It is just offensive to me as atheism is to you

[peas]

LWord, your breakup is fresh and right now it seems like you will never get over your girlfriend. I know because I'm in the same situation.

 

I am one month removed from a toxic relationship with a guy, an alcoholic, I was deeply in love with. I fell for him quickly, too, which caught me off guard. Our relationship was intense and I endured seven months with him. I would have stuck it our longer, too, working hard for his full acceptance and I'm trying to figure out why since he was emotionally and verbally abusive. I usually have healthy relationships, I have not suffered any traumas, don't have too many childhood ghosts, etc. but this guy -- who everyone said was bad for me and it wouldn't end well -- had me hooked.

 

One thing in your post that stuck out right away for me was you said you dated your girlfriend two years off and on, which to me reads as a sign of inconsistency. The man I was with broke up with me every other month. Then he would come back. Then he would break up, then come back.

 

This person I was seeing was not diagnosed with anything because he does not believe in mental evaluations or therapy. After a couple months of dating him I started researching his unstable behavior and he exhibits classic examples of an addict, an abuser, a narcissist, depressive and a person with borderline personality disorder (maybe one of those lead to the others?).

 

Like you, I was very sexually attracted to this person -- moreso than anyone I have dated in years, possibly in my life -- but having said that, the idea of sex with him was a stronger pull than actual sex with him. Intimacy was difficult because he ignored my sexual needs. He also would initiate sex when he was drunk more often than when he was sober. When sober, sex was either absent or over quickly.

 

When my ex was bad, he was terrible. When he was good, he was wonderful. But his demons were always there. He was jealous, dishonest, short-tempered, a guilt-tripper, and he had huge anxiety. He blamed me for everything and never apologized when he hurt me. He would get angry when I confronted him about my feelings when he treated me badly. He didn't want to hear it. I wasn't a person to him.

 

And like you, I keep ruminating on the good parts of the relationship. The part when he told me often how much he loved me. The part where he said he wanted to marry me and wanted me to have his kids and for us to buy a house together. He led me on in a big way with all the things I wanted to hear. It's sick, but the way I feel now I am jealous of the next person he gets involved with, or the person he will marry (if ever), because that person is not me and I thought he would be the one I would settle down with. I'm still trying to get over those illusions. And of course I think he will behave for the next person and I wasn't good enough for him to be good to me.

 

I never tried to change him. Never asked him to stop drinking, although we both acknowledged it was a problem. I let him be himself and hoped he would get it together enough to treat me well. I avoided falling into his fight traps. He broke up with me a final time and has totally turned on me, saying he doesn't like me, to leave him alone, that our relationship was dead from the start, and that I am a "psycho bitch."

 

I am in therapy and I am impatient for time to pass, because I know that time is the distance I need from the damage this guy did. Toward the end of our relationship, I began numbing myself from his verbal and emotional assaults, his hot/cold behavior -- rather than break down and cry and yell at him or reason with him (impossible), I started processing a bad scene from a distance as it was unfolding, thinking: this is really incorrect, it shouldn't be this way.

 

So for you, I say keep trying to fix yourself. Keep talking to your therapist and eventually answers will emerge.

 

I am also worried I will not feel as intensely about another man as I did with this last guy. I hope I will find love again with all the same spark but without the unnecessary pain. I think on some level the pain is what fed the intensity of the attraction. And that's not right.

[Downtown]

He exhibits classic examples of an addict, an abuser, a narcissist, depressive and a person with borderline personality disorder (maybe one of those lead to the others?).

Peas, some people exhibit all those traits. A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults (pub. 2008) found that a third of the BPDers also have very strong NPD traits. Indeed, most BPDers were found to have one or two co-occurring personality disorders. And 75% of the BPDers were found to also have at least one Axis I disorder such as anxiety, depression, bipolar, or adult ADHD.

 

I lived with my BPDer exW for 15 years. If you would like to read about some of my experiences, you may want to take a look at my post at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. That brief post describes the typical BPD behaviors I saw.

 

It is important for caregivers like you and me to learn how to spot those red flags. Otherwise, we are at risk of leaving one BPDer only to run into the arms of another. As you and I both know so well, it is VERY easy to fall in love with a high functioning BPDer. When they are behaving well, they are wonderful. Take care, Peas.

[peas]

Thank you for the link to the post, Downtown. Reading it helped inform how I am thinking about the next steps in my recovery from someone who I think is undiagnosed BPD.

 

One thing I forgot about that you mention in the post at the link is the behavior people with personality disorders exhibit when they think they are being stifled. They toggle between being afraid of abandonment AND of acceptance. You can't win.

 

When I started showing my boyfriend that I was going to stick it out for the long haul, he would freak out as much as when he thought I was abandoning him. I noticed when I started making him put his money where his mouth is, so to speak, showing unconditional love and dedication, being there, trying to talk to him on a deeper level, and expecting him to follow through on his promises of a future, he couldn't handle it just like he couldn't handle me NOT being around. That's when he started shutting off permanently.

 

I will search more of your posts, Downtown. They are really good!

[peas]

[it is important for caregivers like you and me to learn how to spot those red flags. Otherwise, we are at risk of leaving one BPDer only to run into the arms of another. As you and I both know so well, it is VERY easy to fall in love with a high functioning BPDer.

 

Reading that line about red flags, general wisdom is for a person to look out for another person's red flags. What I think is equally important, if not more, is to be aware of red flags in our own behavior when dealing with an unhealthy person.

 

For instance, I have been reading ad nauseum all the "red flags" of addicts, narcissists, abusers, etc. And I know those red flags -- I saw them all in the other person. But what I need to examine are the red flags in my own behavior allowing repeated disrespect and abuse by my boyfriend. It is a red flag that I returned to this person after he destroyed my property. It was a red flag that I was working overtime while he made little effort to keep our relationship going.

 

So besides seeing red flags in other people, I will watch red flags within me and hopefully avoid getting sucked into a futile relationship.

[Downtown]

Nicely stated, Peas. I agree. We excessive caregivers have to learn how to establish strong personal boundaries and enforce them. The best explanation I've see as to how we got to be "codependent" is Shari Schreiber's article at DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?. She argues that our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the people we already are).

[revitup]

I have read so much about PD's lately that I see some Narcissistic traits in me!

 

It kinda scared me until I read about everyone having some traits of Narcissistic behavior at times.

 

I will say that "overcoming" these types of relationships is way harder than a normal relationship.I had self esteem issues,crazy making, questioning,codependency issues and whole lot of blaming being directed at me during and after the STBXWW left in Aug 2012.

 

The worst of it seems to be the self examination that we go through.I have been way harder on me than her.I needed to know the truth and have closure.

 

The "closure" as most people know it,will never come.These PD types set us up to be confused and left or discarded as they quickly move on.Closure for us is to realize we did our best and now it's over.There will be no justice for us in that regard.

 

I am happy now and yet I still find days that I wake up thinking about what I could have done differently.It's normal I guess but I hate to even think about her.

 

Today,I see her as nasty and mean.The woman I saw as a beautiful person is no more.I can't see past the awful behaviors in her in order to see her outward beauty anymore.I really believe it was all in my mind and that I saw her as "perfect" simply because I loved her,not because she was all that beautiful.

 

I am in awe of those of us who are the "caregivers".We are a special breed and should be proud to care about another human being so much so that we sacrifice own own well being in order to care for and protect that other person.

 

That being said,I will never sacrifice in that manner again.I will love deeply and care for another woman one day.It will never take priority over my own self esteem and well being again.

 

I salute all here who stayed "the stayers" as we are called.I also salute the ones who were smart enough to avoid the pitfalls we landed in as well "the leavers".

 

It fells great to get my mind back and feel strong again.

 

REVITUP

[Radu]

Well, i'm still not sure if that ex of mine truly was BPD, though some of the characteristics would fit the bill right.

 

What i do know is this ... these ppl are afraid of being abandoned something fierce, this is at the core of their being.

If you end up with such a SO and you don't scram fast, either it's a case of high-functioning or you might not be all that high self-esteem [if not outright low].

They are seeking fertile land, and this is the kind of land that will allow them to do whatever the hell they want, to go over any kind of boundary they want without repercusions.

I think this is one of the reasons why female ones are more 'empowered' than male ones, though the latter are no slouches either [basically society is more willing to see male physical abuse, followed by male emotional abuse than female physical and emotional abuse].

 

I think that all of us have a breaking point, a point where we just can't take it anymore and we say ENOUGH.

I got lucky, my breaking point was set in stone and slightly higher than one would expect of my doormat self.

 

After her, i went into a FWB and then a 'normal' relationship.

The FWB was short, but nice and was with a friend, it gave me some semblance of normalcy [at least emotionally].

The normal relationship had similarities with my former abusive ones, but this time much toned down.

 

After my last one i started looking at relationship forums, and eventually i ended up on LS.

LS has pretty much been a massive self-help book for me.

I'm the type of person that learns faster by watching someone do something than by having that described to them, so on LS i simply read how other ppl handled their lives ... and the feedback from users with much more experience.

I started applying some of the principles in my life, and it worked.

 

I still find what i call 'ice queens' attractive, but now i can control myself and i have gotten more attention [or started noticing it now] from joyfull women.

Best thing is that now i can spot the crazies, and i encourage them to speak their minds without judging ... at which point they tend to validate my opinions of them.

With them i can see how horrible the whole thing will be if i get involved.

 

So OP, it does in fact get better.

[Emilia]

I still find what i call 'ice queens' attractive, but now i can control myself and i have gotten more attention [or started noticing it now] from joyfull women.

Best thing is that now i can spot the crazies, and i encourage them to speak their minds without judging ... at which point they tend to validate my opinions of them.

With them i can see how horrible the whole thing will be if i get involved.

 

So OP, it does in fact get better.

Very good post Radu, good to read

[revitup]

It really does get better.We get better and life gets better as well.

 

Two days ago I went to the local store for lawnmower fuel.While there I ran into an old high school friend and her husband.She is the stepmother of step DD21's baby daddy,the daughter of my STBXWW that I adopted at age 4.Her stepson is married to someone else now and DD21 is married with another child by a 52 yr old man (disabled) and broke.

 

When this lady saw me,she ran to me and hugged me saying "dang you look great"! I was taken aback by her statement a little. Then her H said the same thing "you look great"!

 

I thought for a second and then the two of them asked me if I would answer a few questions for them.I said sure.They started asking me about the DD21 and her mental health (DD21 is the mother of their Grandchild).Then they said "your STBXWW said you are on drugs". I said "do I look like I am on drugs to you"? They said "no,you look the best you have looked in many years" !

 

I guess I am telling this for many reasons but mainly because it shows two things.

 

1.We start to look better and feel better after some time away from the toxic people in our lives have been gone for a while and it shows to those around us.

 

2.That our BPD X's never stop the distortion campaigns, even after they leave and move to another state!

 

 

I do look great today and I am following a new nutrition and exercise plan starting tomorrow (my Marine son is a personal trainer) that has been designed for me.

 

My mind is sharper and my thoughts have regained the clarity I once took for granted.Decision making is quick and almost effortless.I still have normal problems in life,it's just that I no longer have unnecessary ankle biters from the STBXWW.

 

It so much easier to enjoy things today and I am grateful for the opportunity to have joy again.

 

Have a great day

 

REVITUP

[M30USA]

It really does get better.We get better and life gets better as well.

 

Two days ago I went to the local store for lawnmower fuel.While there I ran into an old high school friend and her husband.She is the stepmother of step DD21's baby daddy,the daughter of my STBXWW that I adopted at age 4.Her stepson is married to someone else now and DD21 is married with another child by a 52 yr old man (disabled) and broke.

 

When this lady saw me,she ran to me and hugged me saying "dang you look great"! I was taken aback by her statement a little. Then her H said the same thing "you look great"!

 

I thought for a second and then the two of them asked me if I would answer a few questions for them.I said sure.They started asking me about the DD21 and her mental health (DD21 is the mother of their Grandchild).Then they said "your STBXWW said you are on drugs". I said "do I look like I am on drugs to you"? They said "no,you look the best you have looked in many years" !

 

I guess I am telling this for many reasons but mainly because it shows two things.

 

1.We start to look better and feel better after some time away from the toxic people in our lives have been gone for a while and it shows to those around us.

 

2.That our BPD X's never stop the distortion campaigns, even after they leave and move to another state!

 

 

I do look great today and I am following a new nutrition and exercise plan starting tomorrow (my Marine son is a personal trainer) that has been designed for me.

 

My mind is sharper and my thoughts have regained the clarity I once took for granted.Decision making is quick and almost effortless.I still have normal problems in life,it's just that I no longer have unnecessary ankle biters from the STBXWW.

 

It so much easier to enjoy things today and I am grateful for the opportunity to have joy again.

 

Have a great day

 

REVITUP

 

This post really spoke to me, thank you.

[AlexDP]

 

My question is to people who have been with a person with bpd (or similar disorder), how did you cope with the aftermath of the abuse you put up with? How did you fix yourself to not repeat that kind of relationship again?

 

First of all I'd say it's not about the disorder.The disorder is a label. It is irrelevant. Always judge others on behaviour. The problem is that when you look at the label, you start making excuses for them. Lord knows people on this very forum do it all the time.

 

More importantly though, it's about you. It has always been about you. You put up with her behaviour. You're scared of her. It's about YOU. Make that realization, change yourself and realize that you are 100% in control.

[Downtown]

First of all I'd say it's not about the disorder.The disorder is a label. It is irrelevant. Always judge others on behaviour.

Alex, the traits of a "disorder" and behavior are the very same thing. Namely, a personality disorder is not a disease but, rather, simply a pattern of behaviors (aka, a "syndrome").

The problem is that when you look at the label, you start making excuses for them.

I don't see that being a problem on LS. Most LS members are sufficiently knowledgeable to know there is a world of difference between explaining a person's behavior and excusing that behavior.