Aftermath of dating someone with BPD

[M30USA]

It really does get better.We get better and life gets better as well.

 

Two days ago I went to the local store for lawnmower fuel.While there I ran into an old high school friend and her husband.She is the stepmother of step DD21's baby daddy,the daughter of my STBXWW that I adopted at age 4.Her stepson is married to someone else now and DD21 is married with another child by a 52 yr old man (disabled) and broke.

 

When this lady saw me,she ran to me and hugged me saying "dang you look great"! I was taken aback by her statement a little. Then her H said the same thing "you look great"!

 

I thought for a second and then the two of them asked me if I would answer a few questions for them.I said sure.They started asking me about the DD21 and her mental health (DD21 is the mother of their Grandchild).Then they said "your STBXWW said you are on drugs". I said "do I look like I am on drugs to you"? They said "no,you look the best you have looked in many years" !

 

I guess I am telling this for many reasons but mainly because it shows two things.

 

1.We start to look better and feel better after some time away from the toxic people in our lives have been gone for a while and it shows to those around us.

 

2.That our BPD X's never stop the distortion campaigns, even after they leave and move to another state!

 

 

I do look great today and I am following a new nutrition and exercise plan starting tomorrow (my Marine son is a personal trainer) that has been designed for me.

 

My mind is sharper and my thoughts have regained the clarity I once took for granted.Decision making is quick and almost effortless.I still have normal problems in life,it's just that I no longer have unnecessary ankle biters from the STBXWW.

 

It so much easier to enjoy things today and I am grateful for the opportunity to have joy again.

 

Have a great day

 

REVITUP

 

What makes situations like this even worse is when the BPDers family enables his/her distortion campaign by feeling like they need to be supportive and put family first. Some family members fake belief simply out of fear of getting the BPDer angry while other family members truly believe because they are potentially Borderline, themselves, and never question their feelings or the feelings of those they love.

[Seductive]

Downtown why is the profile with these women nearly always the same?

 

1) Abusive childhood -> check

2) Attractive -> Check. I don't know how many times I have read these type of threads and these girls are always very attractive.

3) Highly sexual -> Check

4) Suicide attempt -> Check

5) Adore you at the beggining -> Check

 

I could go on and on but I always find it amazing just how similar these profiles always are.

 

OP keep up the therapy (don't rush it) and buy two books.. 1) Codepedent no more by Melody Beattie. There are two types of guy that are attracted to these girls. Narcs and Co-dependents. 2) The power of now..

 

I meet all of that criteria, but I have had therapists tell me that I'm not a full blown Borderline. I do acknowledge that I have traits, and BPD's rarely acknowledge that they have anything wrong. I have been told that complex post-traumatic stress disorder can look like BPD, as we share emotional dysregulation.

 

To the OP-My heart goes out to for what you've gone through. I've had a mother with BPD traits, and I take responsibility that I may have taken some of her traits. I have also dated men with BPD traits. I hope everyone in this thread fully recovers.

[Downtown]

Downtown why is the profile with these women nearly always the same?

Mack, if a group of women all have strong BPD traits, then by definition they all share most of the nine BPD traits. Hence, the reason these BPDers are all behaving so similarly is that, if any one of them were to behave differently, your definition of "BPDer" would exclude her from the group.

 

This is not to say, however, that they necessarily share a number of other traits too, e.g., physical attractiveness. My best guess -- as to why attractiveness appears in the descriptions so often -- is that this is the type of BPDer women that we caregiver males are seeking out.

 

As you may recall, my view is that we caregivers go hunting for BPDers (i.e., for women who will desperately need us) and, until we find one, we keep walking right on past all the emotionally available women (BORING). I therefore have never shared the view -- so common on sites like Shrink4Men -- that BPDers are out hunting us down or spinning webs to catch us.

[Radu]

I think the view on Shrink4Men is that they hunt but in a passive way.

 

Like fishing, you put the best bait out there, wiggle it a bit ... and let the fishies come.

[revitup]

Yup,STBXWW wiggled it and REVITUP bit!

 

I will say if STBXWW had been UGLY,I would have ran from the start.The "beauty" part was a huge factor in staying in the beginning for me.It made me feel "special" when my buddies told me how beautiful she was.

 

I went back and read STBXWW's daily planner from 18 yrs ago-she left the planners here when she went wayward this time.In those writings -that I have never seen before ,she wrote ONLY about me!Why would I be her only focus daily?After only 30 days of dating , she was writing the dates she "spotted" and how she missed me every time I was out with my friends and I stayed at my house instead of going to her apartment.About how she was sad to not wake up beside me and feel safe in my arms.It was spooky to read this.There was an obvious obsession and soothing issue.

 

I also found a small sticky note in the front of her 1995 planner with the following information -My favorite color,my favorite hobby,my mother's name,my mothers favorite flower,my brother's name,my brothers hobbies.This is not normal in the very beginning of dating,I just didn't know about this writing/planner then.If I had,I probably would have taken it as a compliment then as crazy as it sounds now.

 

STBXWW was hurting emotionally but hid it well.She did everything she could to keep me thinking about her and it worked.I see (after finding these planners now) that I pushed back at first and it made her feel sad and empty.She wrote that I was out with my friends and that it made her sad,she wrote that I was hot and she wanted to make me hers forever!She wrote that she was not worthy of me but wanted me anyway.

 

There were also several "apology" letters to me from her in the first 4 months,I really had forgotten the incidents until now.I read that I was breaking away from her in the beginning and she was begging me back and sex bombing me hard as make up sex.It worked,I had issues for this to have worked.

 

She wrote of nothing and no one but me in these planners.

 

So,I feel these BPDr's are sometimes out on the troll but have their eyes open for an opportunity to get a fixer like me interested in them,if it happens it happens.If not,they still get free drinks and crazy sex that night,it's a no lose for them.At least in their mind.

 

STBXWW is now following the exact same pattern-She met me at a pool table in Northern VA 18 yrs ago.STBXWW has not shot pool with me 5 times in the 18 years since that night,she was not interested in pool.Now-STBXWW has joined a pool league! She picks up guys there at a bar while shooting pool-she is awful at playing pool .She is not a billiards player,just plays one,like an actor, as way to gain access to men.

 

When she finds a man to attach herself,she will take up his hobbies just as she did mine.That is for sure.She never had her own hobbies,she just morphed into whatever those she wanted to befriend liked-usually older women friends with health issues or marital problems or both.

 

STBXWW would take up one hobby after another for about 3 months,I paid for the hobby and supplies or schooling and books, then it was old hat and she was onto the next new adventure or old woman friend.It was of course always my fault she did not succeed at the hobbies,part time jobs (rare) or educational opportunities.

 

I really don't know why I am rambling here but it feels good to write today.

 

Maybe it's because yesterday was my 18 yr wedding with STBXWW anniversary and I had forgotten it until about 2pm! I laughed about forgetting it.Maybe it's because I feel grateful.

 

Today I am grateful for my DD15's health and sound mind.

 

Today I look forward to the finalized papers (D) that will be over in a few weeks.

 

Today I think hard about avoiding becoming "jaded" by all this.

 

Today I think hard about avoiding another BPDr.

 

Today I am grateful for my self esteem returning.

 

Today I am grateful for all of you here who knew what to say to me when I needed feel I was not all alone and when I was scared of the futureand the unknown,even though I tried to never let it show.

 

Thanks

 

REVITUP

[M30USA]

Rev, that's great news to hear! You must have mixed emotions about the next man she tricks. You kind of wanna joke about him but you also kind of feel sorry for him. In life, we try our best with the limited amount we know at the time. Everybody plays the fool at least once.

[jonsnuh]

Is it possible to reconcile with my ex who I may have hurt to the point of a break-up? I get the feeling that my ex has and is doing everything she can to stay away from me, and that every advice for a victim of someone with NPD/BPD should never consider that person with that PD to change or get better. I felt hopeless when I read that people will never believe you again and will move away. She said that I hurt her so much that she could not recover, not in my presence.

 

This came to a realization to myself (although I will have to check in with my therapist to confirm my fears) that I *could* be a NPD/BPD. I am on my 4-5th week of NC in a relationship of 6 years with a girl that distanced herself and broke up with me since then. (me 24/her 25)

 

The break-up was terrible. In retrospect, I was so emotionally distraught with how and when she ended and confused. At the time I was already working with the counselor in understanding myself and stabilizing my emotions, and coping with lowered self-confidence.

 

She told me not to contact her or her friends again. I felt the need to constantly send emails with nasty comments attacking her due to the emotional confusion in trying to find out "WHY?". She called the cops and I've been warned to not contact her again.

------------------------------

 

I cannot help but feel that I lost my chance with this person, who I really think could have been "the One", and the sad reality is that she has completely moved on. Maybe the reason why I showed these signs of NPD/BPD was due to the fact that I put her on a pedestal-- that I was afraid of losing someone like her and that I was really lucky to be with her.

 

It was also never full blown NPD/BPD. I feel I really did experience true love, and the reasons I invested into the relationship was out of love. Even up to the end of the relationship, I still love and have feelings for her.

 

I wished we had actually sat down and had her point out that I had these signs instead of just the vague: "We're not compatible" excuse so I could actually work it out, or that we could have both worked it out with some counseling, or to amicably end the relationship.

 

I genuinely feel remorse not just how the breakup was handled, and also how I treated her with her parents, friends and family members. If there's any feeling I'm experiencing right now, it's the feeling of guilt and sadness that I might never be in a healthy relationship without hurting someone.

 

I haven't looked for a rebound relationship because I feel it would hurt the other person if I were to use them just to get over this. It would also make things complicated, and not something I need since I've realized that I have my career that I've neglected. I'm just so confused.

Edited August 11, 2013 by jonsnuh

[M30USA]

Is it possible to reconcile with my ex who I may have hurt to the point of a break-up? I get the feeling that my ex has and is doing everything she can to stay away from me, and that every advice for a victim of someone with NPD/BPD should never consider that person with that PD to change or get better. I felt hopeless when I read that people will never believe you again and will move away. She said that I hurt her so much that she could not recover, not in my presence.

 

This came to a realization to myself (although I will have to check in with my therapist to confirm my fears) that I *could* be a NPD/BPD. I am on my 4-5th week of NC in a relationship of 6 years with a girl that distanced herself and broke up with me since then. (me 24/her 25)

 

The break-up was terrible. In retrospect, I was so emotionally distraught with how and when she ended and confused. At the time I was already working with the counselor in understanding myself and stabilizing my emotions, and coping with lowered self-confidence.

 

She told me not to contact her or her friends again. I felt the need to constantly send emails with nasty comments attacking her due to the emotional confusion in trying to find out "WHY?". She called the cops and I've been warned to not contact her again.

------------------------------

 

I cannot help but feel that I lost my chance with this person, who I really think could have been "the One", and the sad reality is that she has completely moved on. Maybe the reason why I showed these signs of NPD/BPD was due to the fact that I put her on a pedestal-- that I was afraid of losing someone like her and that I was really lucky to be with her.

 

It was also never full blown NPD/BPD. I feel I really did experience true love, and the reasons I invested into the relationship was out of love. Even up to the end of the relationship, I still love and have feelings for her.

 

I wished we had actually sat down and had her point out that I had these signs instead of just the vague: "We're not compatible" excuse so I could actually work it out, or that we could have both worked it out with some counseling, or to amicably end the relationship.

 

I genuinely feel remorse not just how the breakup was handled, and also how I treated her with her parents, friends and family members. If there's any feeling I'm experiencing right now, it's the feeling of guilt and sadness that I might never be in a healthy relationship without hurting someone.

 

I haven't looked for a rebound relationship because I feel it would hurt the other person if I were to use them just to get over this. It would also make things complicated, and not something I need since I've realized that I have my career that I've neglected. I'm just so confused.

 

What specific actions do you feel guilty for regarding her and her family?

[jonsnuh]

What specific actions do you feel guilty for regarding her and her family?

 

I complained to her about her parents, and shared her feelings of how her mom had to rule her house and affect her independence. In that way, I feel like I alienated her and strained her relationship with her mom. What ended up happening was that I stopped going to her house after our breakup and the complaining stopped after she told me that she couldn't handle the tension between her parents and I. To an extent I did respect her wishes, but the damage was done.

 

There was also an incident when her dad came to my house to drop off a package. I was in the washroom and undressed, and couldn't answer the door. He resented me after that incident, and my ex never forgave me for that. I felt guilty for making her feel that way, and I wished I had done something differently. Like opening the door even if I was undressed, even if it meant me scrambling out of the washroom (I was mid-poop... laugh all you want).

 

Another thing she or her parents didn't like was how I didn't stay for dinner after I spent time with my ex in the past. My reason was that my family expected me back at home. The thing is, I study abroad and only come back during the weekends. Spending time with her parents meant that I would have no time to spend with my parents, and I had filial obligations to respect my parents. I wished I hadn't been so easy with accepting dinner with her parents in the past when I was still in the honeymoon phase. This probably gave them a reason to hate me. I really felt bad not connecting with them because I believe they genuinely wanted to know how I was, and I denied them those opportunities.

 

Her parents also expected me to spend time with them over the Christmas holidays and New Years. In hindsight, I probably did piss them off for at least not alternating between the years, but they got pissed off after the first Christmas/New Years I didn't spend with them which I thought was unreasonable. Another reason for her parents to resent me. Her aunt would fly in from NY, and to see me. However, I'd occasionally call and say Merry Christmas and Happy New Years to compromise and to keep my conscience from bugging me. However, as our relationship kept looking more and more bleak, I stopped caring.

 

And the greatest of them all was when her parents caught us kissing on the gondola; while they were climbing the hill, we were going down. Her mom also found evidence that we had sex (condom), and she thought I was her first (which I wasn't). Her mom ended up keeping it from her dad, in our little agreement. Damn, talking about that incident and reconciling brings back serious emotional flashbacks. Cried like a little kid that time. Yeah I felt bad that time.

 

Otherwise, I got along with all her other relatives. She had a very close aunt, cousin, and her gramps and gran loved talking to me. I treated them like my gran and gramps-- I loved them very much. I heard her gramps had health problems and I wished the very best to him even during our breakup. When I heard they wouldn't be coming back to Canada, I felt pretty sad and that reduced my growth in standing with the family.

 

@M30USA

I think the problem is how I felt at that very moment when it happened. It's easy to look back and say I feel guilty now. I tried to defend myself and make myself blameless to get away with making her dad mad. They didn't want to listen or understand-- it's about how they perceived me, rather than what I said I did. It's as if they looked at the worse in me all the time.

 

I preached full honesty, even if it was brutal with my girlfriend. I was naive, but I always felt that she didn't believe in it and held back especially when she didn't feel like talking to me or about her past. I found out about her past and I reacted immaturely at the beginning of the relationship, which damaged the foundation between us come to think of it. I thought I could grow up and change, she thought it was personality and it couldn't be changed.

Edited August 11, 2013 by jonsnuh
bolded for your convenience

[M30USA]

Well, were her parents actually intrusive? If so, you are well within your right to create blindsides. For crying out loud, not answering the door once when her father showed up while you were showering is not anything even slightly wrong. Sounds like you're getting guilt-tripped. When my ex and I would fly to see my family once per year, she virtually locked herself in the bedroom the entire week and only sat down to eat with my family maybe once out of a dozen meals.

[jonsnuh]

What I meant by "I found out about her past" was that she told me I wasn't her first, and she made it sound like it was very painful and had no love. I called her a slut and stuff because I let my emotions take over, but I should've understood that this was her being vulnerable, and that she had her reasons for doing so. I should've just respected it and should've showered her with all the more love and comfort. I wanted her to be loved (it was almost pity, but I wanted to avoid any of those feelings).

[jonsnuh]

Well, were her parents actually intrusive? If so, you are well within your right to create blindsides. For crying out loud, not answering the door once when her father showed up while you were showering is not anything even slightly wrong. Sounds like you're getting guilt-tripped. When my ex and I would fly to see my family once per year, she virtually locked herself in the bedroom the entire week and only sat down to eat with my family maybe once out of a dozen meals.

 

What do you mean by intrusive though? I thought it was perfectly normal that she had curfew, and told us to stop talking on the phone so much every night. After they told us to stop, it changed the dynamics of the relationship so much that we grew distant.

 

On the other hand, I believe they did try listening into our conversations. They did pop in from time to time out of curiosity when we were in our own room together (like a study room). Her mom did require her to text back once in a while and update her with where she was and what she was doing when she left the house for a date, and when she was leaving for home. I accepted these as just signs of parental concern, although my parents never did that to me.

 

BTW she is an ONLY child, and she is/was still living with her parents.

[M30USA]

Nevermind, I assumed you were married.

[revitup]

Johnshuh,I know that my STBXWW's mom was a classic control freak and undermined everything by proxy at first.You can never feel guilty for establishing clear boundaries.No harm there.

 

On a separate note: My STBXWW has been sending texts to DD15 more recently.Now she sends them almost every week.I had originally blocked her but allowed the 90 day block to fall off.

 

The texts are not anything really bad on the surface.The one last night (STBXWW usually sends a text to DD15 every other week) was "When does school start ? I love you and miss you".

 

It causes more damage in DD15 than it is worth,DD15 and I just went to the movies and when we returned home she told me she has written STBXWW a letter.This letter is brutal but concise as well as totally accurate.

 

I am allowing DD15 to send the letter.I feel it will be part of DD15's healing. DD15 has been holding back her tears lately and our talk tonight was excellent.She is at the acceptance stage at this moment and has really opened up to me.

 

My plans are to block all texts coming from STBXWW again and keep her out of DD15's head.STBXWW has some agenda in mind by sending these texts to DD15 from time to time.It is not helpful to continue allowing the texts to happen.DD15 suggested stopping the texts as well.STBXWW needs to hit bottom and then apologize before she has any right to contact my daughter.

 

I will post this on my original as well,I just wondered if any of you had any opinions on these seemingly harmless texts and sometimes a (rare) card in the mail to DD15.I see them as "hoovering and holding on".

 

Note: Therapist also says to cut off STBXWW's contact to DD15.

 

REVITUP

[AlexDP]

Alex, the traits of a "disorder" and behavior are the very same thing. Namely, a personality disorder is not a disease but, rather, simply a pattern of behaviors (aka, a "syndrome").

I don't see that being a problem on LS. Most LS members are sufficiently knowledgeable to know there is a world of difference between explaining a person's behavior and excusing that behavior.

 

 

The problem is a lot of you think you can explain a person's behaviour, when in all reality you cannot. We don't know why personality disordered people do certain things. We just assume. And assumptions are pretty much worthless.

 

When you see psychopaths, narcissists and borderlines doing the same things, but you are constructing different explanations for each category you have to stop and ask yourself: why? How much are we really able to get into another person's psyche?

 

It doesn't matter if you do certain things because you're an *******, because you have a grandiose self image to protect or because you want to relive your childhood abandonment issues (which is only one of a zillion possible explanations anyway, but hey).

 

What matters is that you do them and that it's not okay. Don't surround them with love and help. Just leave them. They will change, I promise you. And if they don't? **** 'em. If you can't do that, but still need the comfort of a disorder, you are still an excessive caregiver.

 

Besides Downtown, if you like to quote Shari Schreiber's work, I'm sure you have read it. So I suppose you know just how much she likes borderlines.

[M30USA]

The problem is a lot of you think you can explain a person's behaviour, when in all reality you cannot. We don't know why personality disordered people do certain things. We just assume. And assumptions are pretty much worthless.

 

When you see psychopaths, narcissists and borderlines doing the same things, but you are constructing different explanations for each category you have to stop and ask yourself: why? How much are we really able to get into another person's psyche?

 

It doesn't matter if you do certain things because you're an *******, because you have a grandiose self image to protect or because you want to relive your childhood abandonment issues (which is only one of a zillion possible explanations anyway, but hey).

 

What matters is that you do them and that it's not okay. Don't surround them with love and help. Just leave them. They will change, I promise you. And if they don't? **** 'em. If you can't do that, but still need the comfort of a disorder, you are still an excessive caregiver.

 

Besides Downtown, if you like to quote Shari Schreiber's work, I'm sure you have read it. So I suppose you know just how much she likes borderlines.

 

Exactly. If we don't surround pediphiles with "love and understanding" and try to see what things in their past "caused" them to be this way, we shouldn't do it with Borderlines either. Let's call a spade a spade. Borderlines cause massive damage and pain in the lives of others and, as far as I have ever seen, "loving them" has never worked. Why fill up a grandiose personality when the grandiose-ness is the very problem?

[revitup]

My gut tells me these personality disordered people behave the way they do due to their very nature.They can control their behavior in public and on an as needed basis.Had they behaved in the beginning as the do in the end,we would have ran away from them.If they behaved in public and around our friends in the same manner as they do toward us in private,our friends would have ran them off for us.

 

MY STBXWW knew these facts and behaved in a manner that worked to her benefit.This is why they isolate us and drive wedges between us and our friends and families.They know others will see through their behaviors in time.

 

I thought the STBXWW wasn't "smart enough" to have planned and executed this magnificent piece of mind control on me.I see now that she was much more shrewd than I could see then.The disorder is smarter than any caregiver ever created.You can't beat it while still in it.It gets better and clearer after you have been away from the craziness.

 

I can't tell you how much I have awakened from the FOG in these past few months.I don't recognize the person I had became because of this woman's mind games.It's like I was hypnotized and blinded by her tactics.I lost myself and my ability to make focused and accurate decisions in life,even the simple ones.

 

As others have stated,it doesn't matter "why" they do it,only that they do it.

 

WHY?

 

Cheaters cheat because they are cheaters

Thieves steal because they are thieves

Liars lie because they are liars

Disordered act disordered because they are disordered people

 

I try and keep it simple and here are a few beliefs I have now-

 

Really there are only two emotions on the planet.They are LOVE and FEAR,I think all other emotions rise from these core emotions.When a PDr is in your life they bring fear with them and it destroys your love by rubbing off on you while at the same time infecting you with self doubt.I became overly cautious about everything-it took over 15 years to happen but it did happen.I am back to myself more and more everyday.

 

The paradox is the love they require-to feel soothed, is the same emotion that "triggers" a PDr to abandon those who love them,thus proving themselves "right" in their assumption that those they "love" always leave them.

 

I really see no "win" in being in a relationship with a truly unrepentant BPDr who refuse to help themselves.They know they help,they refuse to go through the pain of healing.What's baffles me is how these people, who hate any pain in their own lives,will give pain to everyone who loves them without a second thought then blame it on the one who does all of the loving and sacrificing.

 

I am glad to be free from this paradox today.

 

I am more joyful that my DD15 has avoided a life of abuse at the hands of her own mother.

 

REVITUP

[inpeices]

Firstly, Thankyou so much to downtown.. I have been reading all about bpd today and your posts and many others' contributions have offered me clarification in relation to a disastrous 11 month relationship I have just been forced to end, to preserve my sanity and my safety more to the point.

I formerly ended the relationship a week ago, I've had to leave the home, quit my job, give my horse away and move 215 miles back to where my support network and family are.. I was isolated and my every move monitored. It was only speaking to a friend in confidence three weekends ago that enabled me the clarity to see how toxic and very dangerous the relationship was and how no-one should have to live the way I have been for the past 6 months.

 

I can relate to LWord in all that was written regarding knives, threats of suicide if I leave her, begging me to stay, assaulting me, smashing up things, driving drunk, so angry and aggressive that she scared me more than I've ever experienced...and I've experienced some very scary situations through my job as a cop etc. begs you to go back and talk then flips into rage.. Two weeks ago I was 2hrs late back from visiting my mum 300 miles away (she is unwell)

I spent the night in my car on my return because she had drunk 7 cans of beer and got worked up about all sorts of imaginary scenarios in her mind..the next day it was all sobbing, sorry, forgive me, I'll change blah blah blah.

 

I am co-dependent and my previous relationship was with a person who was probably Narcissistic, if not by virtue of their repeated infidelity and the suffering they made me endure.

 

The fear of abandonment and the refusal to take responsibility for their own behaviours & subsequent consequences strikes very strongly, and I now know that my now ex, fits all of the criteria of BPD...She is STILL begging for another chance,somehow believes after everything that has occurred, after everything that has been destroyed,that this relationship is actually healthy and can be worked on??? What??

One memorable statement from her was "I'm begging you to stay,I can help you" Help me? I don't think it's me that needs help,but if I do, I certainly don't want help from you.

 

No I don't think so, I don't think I want to walk on egg shells, be shaking and vomiting from stress or be cleaning up your mess you keep creating anymore.

 

If this makes me hard then I'm sorry..I just couldn't take anymore drama.

 

Thankyou to everyone who contributes on LS.. It has been a huge source of support to me. Hey funny... She was even jealous of me coming on the forum 8 months ago whilst I sought to rationalise my thoughts etc in the "infidelity" section... All the red flags were there a year ago, I feel very very stupid!

[M30USA]

Revitup and Inpieces,

 

Thanks for your great posts! I think the hardest thing in dealing with BPDers, especially the high-functioning ones, is that you can't tell anybody because nobody will believe you when you describe the ridiculously chaotic behavior. And attempting to describe it, even to family or friends, only makes YOU look worse. "Oh, you're just exaggerating!" Or, "Well there are 2 sides to every story." This is why I don't discuss my situation except online here.

Edited August 12, 2013 by M30USA

[jonsnuh]

Is it possible to rub off some of that NPD/BPD personality disorder onto yourself from someone who manipulated you?

 

Looking back, there were clear signs that she likely cheated-- I found my girlfriend in an EA with my best friend through hour-long emails that discussed interests, goals and even the problems of our relationship for a year. When I confronted her, she said there was nothing wrong and claimed no responsibility. I said I wanted to break up, and I made the wrong choice not having a backbone when she started telling me that she was sad to see me go. IMO she probably was more happy to see me go so she could proceed with the EA.

 

She kept claiming I was too controlling, that I didn't trust her and that I needed to give her a carte blanche to strengthen our trust. Naive as I was, I agreed and thought this would help both of us with our relationship in growing independently yet being there for each other. Also, the fact that we were in a LDR didn't help, although I did go back during weekends, school breaks and special days like her birthday.

 

I noticed my ex also distanced herself, her friends and her family completely from any discussion by saying that she was busy or just not mentioning anything about them. It would always be about her girlfriends, and never about the guy friends in her life-- she always said that she felt like SHE was the one walking on eggshells. I told her that we could work on it together. What did she end up doing? She said she needed space, I helped her get through her college grad program and residency training at hospitals, I was a soundboard for her etc. etc. and she dumped me claiming that she had "tried" to put herself together, that I had hurt her in irrecoverable ways and that she didn't think we should be in a relationship ever again.

 

Most of her reasoning made no sense and I found contradictions. It still didn't matter because the truth was that she got bored of me and probably met someone else. At some point of trying to understand everything in coping with the stress, I actually believed that I was the one who was wrong and that I had caused all of this. I feel as if this was not the case-- that she was the one with NPD/BPD and that I ended up being burned because she was looking to get the most out of me before bailing.

 

I was and I am still so confused.

[Downtown]

Is it possible to rub off some of that NPD/BPD personality disorder onto yourself from someone who manipulated you?

Jon, you definitely will occasionally exhibit all nine of the BPD traits. We all do. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone has the traits to some degree. At a normal level, these traits generally are beneficial. They become a problem only when they are so strong as to distort one's perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations.

 

As to your question, yes, a nonBPDer may start behaving worst -- more like the BPDer -- after being abused for many years. This process of starting to behave like your abuser is called "picking up fleas." The reference, of course, is to the common expression "When you lie down with dogs...."

I feel as if this was not the case-- that she was the one with NPD/BPD.

Jon, I'm glad that you are seeing a therapist to help figure out what has been happening to you. If your Ex does have strong BPD traits, it is to be expected that you would feel extremely confused and disoriented.

 

Indeed, of the 157 mental disorders in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be going crazy. This is one reason that therapists see far more of the abused partners (coming in to find out if they are losing their minds) than the therapists ever see of the BPDers.

 

Another possibility, of course, is that you are the one with moderate to strong BPD traits. If so, you've not revealed such traits in the posts you've written so far. I've read all of them and you say nothing about your being emotionally unstable. You say nothing, for example, about cycling between pushing her away (by starting arguments over nothing) and then pulling her back (by being very loving when you start fearing abandonment).

 

As to your NPD concerns, if you are correct about your truly loving your Ex, you cannot be a narcissist. Narcissists and sociopaths are incapable of loving anyone. BPDers, in contrast, do love but do so in an immature fashion -- in much the same way that a four year old is able to love.

[revitup]

It gets even better..............Narcissistic 101

 

STBXWW late last night sent the following-

 

"I think that you should accept $150.00 per month in child support as I am in school at night and also have bills to pay,also I think the custodial parent should agree in the D to drive the child to the other parent each month for visitation"!

 

I just sent back "I think we will let the lawyers handle this" I also will never send another text nor answer the phone from her again,never.

 

Woweeeeee,I really have never seen anything this crazy in my life,even from this Nazi woman.STBXWW does not know ,that I know ,she is moving to FLA but even so....STBXWW actually thinks that I should get $150.00 per month to support my DD15 and also drive either 5 hours to S.C. or 12 Hours to Miami from here in NC so she can see DD15?

 

It appears to me that she has boarded the Crazy Train and driving that thing harder each day.This is down right foolish.

 

This (for those like Downtown and myself) is expected behavior from a Narcissistic BPDr folks.It seems whacked to anyone else.

 

This is the child like stage I am seeing today,STBXWW thinks she is actually in control and that she is so worthy and wonderful that I should just allow her to have her way no matter what she does.That is exactly what she is expecting,that I will (as before) just be all over bending over and taking her abusive behavior.STBXWW thinks she is talking to her parent or authority figure who should only care about HER needs and disregard all other personal responsibilities.

 

I see this as "testing" again as well.STBXWW really wants to know if she has a place to land when she runs out of fuel and she is sucking fumes now!

 

Miasadventure-You are seeing what happens when a man or woman wakes up from the FOG.Thank you for your comments,I am stronger and more relaxed today than in several years.It is wonderful to laugh at the childlike texts and foolish behavior of this woman.I may appear to be angry sometimes but it is really just funny now!If I could not laugh about this I would be as crazy as she is.

 

Downtown-yup I am getting the documents from the Gov,I knew better but got a little weak and perhaps just wanted to have a peek back at the crazy train I was riding with STBXWW.I won't do that again.

 

To all the others who support me in these days,I thank you all.It means alot to have someone who actually appreciates something about me,I haven't had that at home in many years.

 

REVITUP

[revitup]

Revitup and Inpieces,

 

Thanks for your great posts! I think the hardest thing in dealing with BPDers, especially the high-functioning ones, is that you can't tell anybody because nobody will believe you when you describe the ridiculously chaotic behavior. And attempting to describe it, even to family or friends, only makes YOU look worse. "Oh, you're just exaggerating!" Or, "Well there are 2 sides to every story." This is why I don't discuss my situation except online here.

 

M30USA,You are exactly right about feeling crazy about even telling someone else.They just can't see what you see because they haven't lived it themselves.I hope nobody else ever has to live what I have and still do live to some extent with this woman.It can be devastating to a weaker person,it just about had me down for the count.

 

I am a grateful man to have found those here who had seen this before,they have saved me from disaster.

 

They have actually given me my life back with joy and hope and anticipation for the future.I haven't been as happy as I am today in at least ten years.I am so grateful for my future that I just can't look back at the problems of the past.I only look at the past in order to grow and learn from it,never as a weapon to use against myself.

 

You will get better faster than you think.One day you will wake up and just be happy for no other reason than to be happy.Then you will wake up and KNOW you have a RIGHT to be happy and full of joy!

 

I expect that for you,you deserve it,you have earned it.

 

REVITUP

[revitup]

Downtown said,

 

As to your NPD concerns, if you are correct about your truly loving your Ex, you cannot be a narcissist. Narcissists and sociopaths are incapable of loving anyone. BPDers, in contrast, do love but do so in an immature fashion -- in much the same way that a four year old is able to love.

 

I too had worried about the "fleas" ,being jaded and other things.It does make you feel like you may be crazy.Why else would a normal man stay with a woman who is hell bent on his destruction and - as in my case beg to have her back twice (not three times thank God).It just defies the logical mind to think we would ever allow our very manhood and self esteem to be handed over to someone who would eventually try to destroy us.

 

Downtown,I am happy to read about BPD related relationships being the number one disorder to cause you to feel crazy yourself.It validates me to simply read that.I rarely received any validation with the STBXWW and when it did happen,it was with buts.....you did great.... but how about the new fence? Or- well..........then a pause in her voice showing a hesitation before the "compliment".

 

I know that fleas do exist and I have some of them I am sure.

 

I will no longer "feed the dog" anymore!

 

REVITUP

[M30USA]

M30USA,You are exactly right about feeling crazy about even telling someone else.They just can't see what you see because they haven't lived it themselves.I hope nobody else ever has to live what I have and still do live to some extent with this woman.It can be devastating to a weaker person,it just about had me down for the count.

 

What I discovered from my experience is that BPDers fabricate lies out of thin air which they actually start trickling to their close friends and family from the BEGINNING of your relationship. By the time the fit hits the shan, her/his family will either see both of you as equal problems or may even view you as the primary problem. I knew it was a hopeless situation getting through to her family when they looked at me like I had 2 heads any time I described the nature of what was going on behind closed doors. And you should have seen some of the wild accusations that came out against me in court. Everything from child abuse, to spousal abuse, to sexual abuse. When I heard some of these courtroom antics I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. And even though the judge knew it was all fabricated, did she get any perjury penalty? Nope. Thus she will continue to behave the same in the future as long as she receives no consequences.

Edited August 13, 2013 by M30USA