meribel Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Hi I found some messages on my b/f phone. It was to a woman I understood to be a friend of his. We met in Nov '12, he went to stay with her in Dec '12. He didn't tell me at the time thats where he was going....we hadn't discussed exclusivity at that time, but I told him I had just had an std test so I guess I assumed we were exclusive....my fault for not clarifying this though.. He then planned to go stay with her again in Jan '13 while I was away on business....again without telling me but he says to break it off with her face to face and tell her all about me. We had promised eachother we'd be exclusive at this point, and he told me he loved me before I went away.... He ended up not going to stay with her as my plans changed and I was coming home that weekend. He then messages and told her he would always love her, but that their relationship was over as he had met me, that he wanted to be friends. He was planning on having me meet her...but told me she was a friend. I only found out the truth by reading their messages. He has aplologised for everything and has been extremely reassuring with his words to me and I decided to give it another chance. However 4 weeks on I feel unable to forgive him and move on....I haven't brought it up the last 2 weeks as we were just going over the same ground. He has cut her off completely now but I have so many doubts. I feel he was planning to cheat on me and then keep it from me for the future for whatever reason....he says to protect my feelings....is this believable? I am trying to get over this one way or another but I feel stuck, and I just want to move on one way or another. Apart from this were very happy and madly in love. I guess the honeymoon period is officially over :(:( or am I over reacting by considering ending it with him now? Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Can you trust him? What does your intuition say? If the answer is no, it's irrelevant how "in love" you feel. You're building on shifting sand, and it will all fall apart with the slightest perturbation. Trust is the bedrock of any relationship. So, putting aside your fervent desire for all to be right in the relationship because you love him so much, do you really trust him? Why are you posting here? Be honest with yourself, and let that be your guide. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author meribel Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 Believe me I have tried....but my gut feelings are generally those of paranoia due to having been cheated on in the past. I am inclined to be more suspicious due to past experience. I am trying to be positive and move on with him, but on the inside I feel like I can't trust him any more. The thing that hurts most is the way I found out and that everyone seemed to know all about the whole thing apart from me Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Believe me I have tried....but my gut feelings are generally those of paranoia due to having been cheated on in the past. I am inclined to be more suspicious due to past experience. I am trying to be positive and move on with him, but on the inside I feel like I can't trust him any more. The thing that hurts most is the way I found out and that everyone seemed to know all about the whole thing apart from me You've tried what? Ignoring your intuition? You can't trust him, and you're dismissing that as paranoia? Discovered everyone knew what he was up to but you? Caught him in lies about his FWB? The issue doesn't seem to be your intuition misleading you or paranoia? The issue is that you really don't want to listen to it because it's telling you something you really don't like. You want to believe it's faulty and to be ignored despite everything pointing in its favor. Why is betraying your trust tolerable? Why are you working so hard to overlook behavior that you find hurtful? What is he (and did other cheaters) give you in a relationship that more than made up for this deficiency? Can you get that from a non-cheater do you think? Or is it that you somehow feel undeserving? I don't know. Is it possible that others tried to warn you about his ongoing side relationship, but you were dismissive? I'm not there. So again, I don't know, but it's worth considering. At any rate, just providing food for thought. You're obviously free to decide what you want. But at least own why you're making your choice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JessieJ08 Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 I think you should find a guy who makes you a choice not an option. The fact you know about this other woman at all says He isn't finished with her, He shouldn't be talking to her or going to her house after he said he was done with her that should have been it this I still love you obviously this guy uses the word Love way too freely. And guess what dear if he did this to her he is going to do it to you. how would you feel being in her place? well guess what even if she is or isn't out of the picture you are next on his list he may go fall in love with the next random girl. Idk why you don't see this is as a HUGE RED FLAG but how can you love a guy who treats love like a game? and Im not trying to be mean but find a guy who understands what love is that belongs to just you the feeling your having is your intuition telling you he isn't right so just because you Love him doesn't mean he truly loves you and isn't using you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 I am quite confident that he wasn't planning on cheating. However he lied, therefore is untrustworthy. It's up for you to decide but he lied.....lying in a relationship is a killer. Link to post Share on other sites
MrRightNow Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 This guy can't be trusted. He's was acting shady right from the beginning. Dump him now and spare yourself from future heartache. I'm sorry you're going through this. At least he only wasted a few months of your time, and not a few years. Best wishes Link to post Share on other sites
Tinie Posted June 19, 2013 Share Posted June 19, 2013 He then messages and told her he would always love her Ouch. It's like he's saying you will never be as good as her. You're disrespecting yourself by staying with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 Hi I found some messages on my b/f phone. It was to a woman I understood to be a friend of his. We met in Nov '12, he went to stay with her in Dec '12. He didn't tell me at the time thats where he was going....we hadn't discussed exclusivity at that time, but I told him I had just had an std test so I guess I assumed we were exclusive....my fault for not clarifying this though.. He then planned to go stay with her again in Jan '13 while I was away on business.... Why does he lack stability to the extent where he has to stay with other people? Apart from this were very happy and madly in love. I guess the honeymoon period is officially over :(:( After 6 months? This does not bode well for a long term future. Be careful... Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 I feel he was planning to cheat on me and then keep it from me for the future for whatever reason....he says to protect my feelings....is this believable? No. If he wanted to protect your feelings, he would not be doing things that hurt your feelings. He wanted to protect himself from consequences. He didn't want to deal with any drama or questions from you. Conflict avoiders always say they lie to protect the feelings of others. But they are really protecting themselves from the uncomfortable feelings they have when they are faced with conflict. Basically they are cowards and instead of being real, they are phony and tell people what they THINK they want to hear. Link to post Share on other sites
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