dealing with the aftermath of sleeping with a friend.

[FaithInTheDark]

Theres this guy ive become close friends with. We get along so well. People call us a married couple.

Well we were hanging out last night and he stripped down naked in the hot tub. After ponderibg i went in too. After a while he was hinting about hooking up but i felt ackward and kinda weirded out. But i gave in and we hooked up. It was the most ackward sex ive ever had .itwas obvs i wasnt into it and we went back in the house.

After a while i kinda wanted to finish what we started and give it another go but he backed off completely. I dunno if i bruised his ego or made things too weird. But apart of ne wishes i could of been more intimate but i guess deep down were too close of friends.

Does anyone have any advice being in this type of situation. I dont want this to ruin my friendship or make things weird. I care about hin. Plz help.

[coffeebean201]

that friendship is worth a lot.

 

sex can be improved.

 

but you would really have to be honest with him about what you want in bed.

 

most guys aren't suave/sexy. they need pretty specific hints of how to be what YOU find sexy.

 

and then they love to be in charge.

[melodicintention]

Men and women can't be friends when there is sexual attraction between the two. You will either end up a couple, or you will end up not friends after a while.

 

I had a 3 year platonic friendship with a guy and then we had sex after a concert. It was bad for me, good for him. Then oddly I was suddenly catching him in these little weird lies. Things got awkward. We don't talk now but he will friend me on whatever social network once a year. Our friendship is pretty much over. It's like I saw in too deep, and you can't go back to hugs and shaking hands when you don't like what you saw.

 

If you guys communicate it can likely go better than this so I say figure out what you want and then talk to him now and get all your feelings out on the table.

[Immortality]

Sleep with him again as clearly this is the only part of your relationship which is failing. Practise makes perfect.

[FaithInTheDark]

Some of you reccomend sleeping with him again? Dont you think if i feel obligated to sleep with him again it might dampen our what was prefectly comfortable time wed spend together. Id be curious to try again but like i said he backed off completely after to the point i slept on the couch that night. I think i weirded him put by not being that interested in the sex hut first times are usually ackward. Hes such a cool guy id never want to damage our friendship.

[Feelin Frisky]

You've needed some time to adjust. If you feel adjusted and want to "go there", fess up and go there. Tell him you felt awkward and conflicted but now you're not (unless you still are). Good luck. You already seem to connect. Perhaps this is love.

[FaithInTheDark]

Thank you for the last comment . Im going to follow your feedback.!!!

[sweetheart5381]

I'd give this one a little time and pondering.

 

If you are already friends and you both feel romantic then go ahead and explore if it suits you both.

 

If it's just for a sexual encounter, due to curiosity/temptation/horny I would say avoid it.

 

Sounds like you both need a lil time to adjust to your feelings around sexual intimacy with one another. That's pretty normal I would guess.

 

Give it a week or 2 and see what develops.

[Immortality]

Some of you reccomend sleeping with him again? Dont you think if i feel obligated to sleep with him again it might dampen our what was prefectly comfortable time wed spend together. Id be curious to try again but like i said he backed off completely after to the point i slept on the couch that night. I think i weirded him put by not being that interested in the sex hut first times are usually ackward. Hes such a cool guy id never want to damage our friendship.

 

During your 3 year interactions, did either of you sleep with other people (boy/girl friends)?

 

You've opened Pandora's box. It wasn't when you had sex; it happened much before. You cannot change that no matter how hard you try. Unless you are both very mature, your friendship will not last no matter what you do. Seize your opportunities and explore your new relationship together or move on. Nothing lasts forever.

[Immortality]

You've opened Pandora's box. Now you seek to close it? The only thing left behind is the one thing that can save your 'friendship', and that is 'hope'!

 

If you keep the box closed (as you have done since), your friendship is over. There are no more comfortable moments. Now there are insecurities, doubts, tears & anger.

 

If you re-open the box, your friendship is over. But there is hope of something more.

 

If you believe you can have it both ways (a box both open and closed), then you are living a quantum delusion.

[kamani]

From what you have written I feel you made a mistake by choosing to have sex with your friend.

[oldshirt]

While you were going along thinking you were having this nice platonic "friendship" he was pining away trying to think up some way to get you to notice and like him romantically/sexually.

 

He made his big 'Hail-Mary' move in the hot tub (that is why the hot tub was invented BTW LOL)

 

You felt awkward because you thought you had a platonic asexual friendship and here was a naked guy putting the moves on you in a hot tub.

 

In that respect this was kind of his fault for hiding his true feelings and intentions behind a wall of being your little girlfriend with a penis.

 

Men and women view the world different from each other. Women have men "friends" that they do not view as potential sex partners and men that they do. Men see all healthy attractive women as potential sex partners and it's always lingering in the back of their minds and loins.

 

(look up "LADDER THEORY" for an explanation on all of that)

 

Anyway, now that that genie is out of the bottle and you have had sexual contact, it's perfectly normal that now you may be having some sexual feelings for him in addition to some of the warm 'friendship' feelings you were having before. That's not necessarily a bad thing.

 

If he is a good person and has good potential as BF it may be worth addressing. If he is the kind of guy you would set up with your sister or your best friend but you haven't seen yourself dating him yourself because you don't see him "that way" it may be time to revisit this because maybe now you CAN start to see him "THAT WAY."

 

The reason he's been standoffish is because the sex was awkward and unsatisfying but the reason for that is because he kind of ambushed you. This was kind of a fail on his part because he did not do anything to stimulate your sexual interest by flirting or seduction or expressing his romantic/sexual feelings etc etc.

 

He needs to step up to the plate with that but he also needs to see some kind of green light from you.

 

My advice is try to give him a little bit of a green light to turn on the charm, flirtation and seduction. Tell him he caught you off guard and that you weren't expecting him to get nekkid and put the moves on you but if you could start from the beginning again and have him try to wooo you and seduce you a little, that maybe things could be different and you could possibly be more than just friends.

 

The caveat here is you will no longer ever be "just friends" and he will never be your gay little buddy or your girlfriend with a penis. you guys may also have some warm feelings for each other but you will either end up being a couple at some point or you will end up being an "ex" or a former FWB.

 

This may be troubling to you thinking you lost a friend but the friendship was all just a façade and smoke and mirrors to begin with because men can never be "just friends" with an attractive woman that they like. They will always have sexual feelings and will always want to go there on one level or another.

 

For a guy there is only, "take the shot and score" or "Take the shot and miss" or they can not take the shot and live with the despair of not even trying.

 

He took the shot. It was not a good shot and he didn't set himself up for it well but he took it nonetheless. Now it's up to you to let him know if it was a miss or there is potential for a score.

 

The good news is if he can express himself romantically/sexually now and flirt with you and woo you and seduce you and stimulate your sexual interests then next time the sex may be a lot less awkward and a lot better.

 

 

If you think he is a good person in general and of good character and of similar values and interests as you - My vote is give it a try!

 

Now it's your turn to decide whether to try to make the shot or not.

[FaithInTheDark]

Yes he did sleep with my friend a few months ago. Theyre buddies but i wouldnt say theyre near as close as him and i are.

I dont know if hes always felt more than friendship. Because one time when we first became friends i wanted to cuddle on the couch with him and he shot me down and later said he thought i was trying to sleep with him. Which i wasnt.

We have discussed just being friends and stuff.so its weird he put the moves on me when he had kinda turned me down before. So its hard to tell if he wants more.

I think he may of just felt curious about sex between us. He did not play it out qell by ambushibg me so that didnt prepare me to fantom the idea of taking it to the next level.

Its too bad this happened since ill prob feel compelled to over think things and want to reopen the box.

Thanks for your feedback.

Im determined to not let it ruin anything

[Feelin Frisky]

Thank you for the last comment . Im going to follow your feedback.!!!

 

That sounds sweet. I'm happy for you if you've come around to this. All the best.

[FaithInTheDark]

Hi guys.

So i have been become close friends with this guy over the past three months. He helped push me to enter a music competition and has supported me alot. Everyone calls us a married couple and he jokingly calls me his wife to everyone.

One night after a party we hung out and i wanted him to cuddle with me in bed but he kinda shot me down. Later he told me he thought i was trying to sleep with him. ... we joked constantly bout just being friends.

At first i thought i liked him since we connect so well but i realized i didnt want to go down that road and ruin things...plus he kinda turned me down that night.

We kissed a few times drunk but nothing major.

Well last week we hung out and he jumped into the hot tub naked...after a while i went in too and he started making the moves on me.

It took me by suprise cus he never did anything to stimulate my sexual interest he just put it on me....it felt ackward and weird....but i gave in any we had sex. It was the most ackward sex ever.it was obvs i was not into it.

We went back into his house and i kinda wanted to finish what we started but he backed off completely. To the point i slept on the couch. I dunno if i bruised his ego orvmade evetything weird.

Im wondering if he was just curious that night and wanted to hook up...or he always felt attacted to me sexually...he did deny me before...

Our friendship is really important to me ..id never want tp ruin it...id be curious to try again but since he backed off after i dont know. ..i have such mixed feelings. Im not sure what to even say when i see him next.

[TheWhitestRice]

If you want to preserve your friendship with him, I would stray away from being sexual.

 

From my experience, friends with benefits or something similar have never quite "worked out".

 

Someone always ends up developing feelings for the other person.

 

When feelings of adoration are not reciprocated, the person with the feelings usually ends up frustrated or upset.

 

Tell him that you want to be friends; that IS what you want from him right?

[Phantom888]

You have to stop cuddling and wanting to do sexual things. Friends have to be unisex beings....not opposite sex potentials. Stop looking at his crotch.

[hestheone66]

The man who was once the object of my affection and the root of my user name here turned out to not be the one.. we don't live in the same area of the country but our friendship is very important to both of us.

 

Due to the huge emotional upheavals he had, and I gave him distance for 6 months or so, but he always kept coming back like there was unfinished business. we would usually hook up, but not in a romantic way, just like animals, and i have to say he was the worst lover i'd ever had, yet I suspect i'm the best lover he'd ever had.. anyway.. the attraction persists, the friendship persists and 6 months ago he pushed his luck with me after almost a year of no sex between us (but with others) . It was awkward and dreadful.. as soon as he finished I said that shouldn't have happened, and we will never speak of it again... he tried to get me to talk about it, but I blanked him and refused to acknolwege that it had happened. 3 months ago he tried again.. i just said, no.. but he pushed his luck and i told him in no uncertain terms to f**k off. I hope it's fixed it.. i realised when i thought I was in love with him, that I just really hope we are always in each others lives and feels like family now.. I told him I'm glad I'm not in love with him and we are in a better place.

He will never call me and not say he loves me.. but I recognise this is the love of brotherhood, of friendship,

His new gf has become friends with me, but I don't think she knows we have a past history of intimacy..

Oh and yes. he's visiting and staying with me next weekend.. I hope the sex stuff has stopped between us but the connection hasn't. My lover knows of his importance to me yet I'm always apprehsnsive that old intense feelings will come up and wreck our friendship..

 

So what i'm saying is that friendship will always be more important than sex..and maybe the 2 can never be found in the same person.. the guy i'm seeing (over 18 months) is by far the BEST lover, attentive, kind, thoughtful, amazing in bed, adventurous, respectful... but I can't open up to him as a friend.. we both like the mystery which feeds the passion.. so to keep my friends, i stop having sex with them,, and to keep my lover I keep him at somewhat of a distance.. it's paradoxical.

[FaithInTheDark]

DontThis thing feels like it blew up in my face.

He called me today and asked if i wanted to hang out. Hace some food and catch up. So i went over to see him and things were great and not weird.

Eventually the subject of hooking up came about. And he said .."yeah it was odd when you trued to make out with me and cuddle up next to me.) And said it like he was grossed out.

I couldnt believe what he was saying because he was the one that put it on me and wanted to have sex. And he also said i was more drunk than him so the way he saw things was more clear.

I expressed my prespective of what happend but he still stuck by his story until we agreeed to not bring it up again.

He said he was glad i wasnt making things weird and said lets cuddle again to not make it weird. We cuddled but i felt like it was such a slap in the face he basically said i threw myself at him when that was so not the case.

It was obvs i felt a lil upset . I couldnt help but let him know either.

I hope we can stay friends but things dont feel right. It hurt my feelings i guess. I dont know why hes saying that.

:-(

[FaithInTheDark]

Hi guys. Im trying to wrap my head around what my guy friend thinking is coming from. Any thoughts and or suggestions would help alot.

Theres a guy ive become good friends with during the past four months. We get along great and i love to spend time with.

Well last week we hooked up randomly. He pretty well stripped down naked in the hot tub and hinted and brought up having sex. I felt ackward about it and pretty uncomfortable. It was so random and unexpected.

During the begining of our friendship i thought i had feelings for him since we connect so well but i didnt want to go there with him.

Anyways he pretty well puts me on the spot to hook up and regardless of the ackwardness ..we did hook up. It was painfully weird and i was not into it ..

Well he calls me up to today and asks if i could pick him up come over so we could hang out n stuff.

So i drove over to see him and things were totally great and not at all weird between us.

But the subject of hooking up got brought up and he says "ya it was so weird . You were trying to make out with me and come close. I was like ugh ya i guess ill go with it".(he said it like i grossed him out)

I couldnt believe he thought and said that! I thought about it and knew that was not the case. I expressed my point of view but he stuck to his story. .. he said i was drunker then him and the way he saw things was more clear.

He said well lets cuddle again so its not weird . We did cuddle but i just felt so insulted

. I couldnt just forget the fact he said i threw myself at him when i know i did not.

It was obvs i was a lil upset and he said i was glad you werent weird about what happened but now youre being weird.

How could i not. I guess he made me feel bad ...anyway i do value his friendship but i feel so thorwn off by him.

Can anyone think of why he said the oppoisite of what happened? How can i save our friendship. Im kinda dumb founded.

[brandnew2]

It sounds like he probably is just covering his tracks. You both know he was the one who initiated things and he could probably tell that you weren't into it. This is his way of saving himself the humiliation.

 

Another possibility is he's saying it in a playful way in order to try and lighten up the mood and facilitate another hook up.

 

The weirdest thing about the story is the fact that you and him "cuddled" the time you hung out after hooking up. That's not something that platonic friends do, and it's pretty clear that this friendship is going to be strained with him trying to get with you now and then.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Hi guys. Im trying to wrap my head around what my guy friend thinking is coming from. Any thoughts and or suggestions would help alot.

Theres a guy ive become good friends with during the past four months. We get along great and i love to spend time with.

Well last week we hooked up randomly. He pretty well stripped down naked in the hot tub and hinted and brought up having sex. I felt ackward about it and pretty uncomfortable. It was so random and unexpected.

During the begining of our friendship i thought i had feelings for him since we connect so well but i didnt want to go there with him.

Anyways he pretty well puts me on the spot to hook up and regardless of the ackwardness ..we did hook up. It was painfully weird and i was not into it ..

Well he calls me up to today and asks if i could pick him up come over so we could hang out n stuff.

So i drove over to see him and things were totally great and not at all weird between us.

But the subject of hooking up got brought up and he says "ya it was so weird . You were trying to make out with me and come close. I was like ugh ya i guess ill go with it".(he said it like i grossed him out)

I couldnt believe he thought and said that! I thought about it and knew that was not the case. I expressed my point of view but he stuck to his story. .. he said i was drunker then him and the way he saw things was more clear.

He said well lets cuddle again so its not weird . We did cuddle but i just felt so insulted

. I couldnt just forget the fact he said i threw myself at him when i know i did not.

It was obvs i was a lil upset and he said i was glad you werent weird about what happened but now youre being weird.

How could i not. I guess he made me feel bad ...anyway i do value his friendship but i feel so thorwn off by him.

Can anyone think of why he said the oppoisite of what happened? How can i save our friendship. Im kinda dumb founded.

 

This sounds like a perfect story to tell the grandkids one day.

[Trimmer]

I seem to recall in another thread you mentioned that alcohol played a part in both of your behaviors. Is that correct, or am I remembering that wrong?

[FaithInTheDark]

Sorry for posting more about this dude but i have noone else to talk too...yes alcohol was onvolved but i was not that drunk. I appreciate the responses. I need to stop being so senseitive and grow more of a back bone.

From bad experiences with men it has damaged my self esteem termendously. Im working on geting back my confindence.