ConfusedChicken Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 (edited) I have been close friends with a guy for 10 years. We all have the same mutual friends, and hang out on weekend together. I was dating a guy for 4 years (one of our mutual friends) and broke up with him 8 months ago. I started feeling attracted to my 10 year guy friend, mostly I was happy about being single and free. I thought maybe I would try a FWB relationship with my long term friend. Well, I tried to flirt, and basically let him know I was attracted to him. I never got a chance to tell him, I tried hard one night when I was a little tipsy. He had left my party and went to a mutual girl friends house. I texted him to come back so I could tell him something, and I got a text back saying he was too busy having sex with this girl. I was so confused and it was very unlike him. We got in a huge fight and he was so mean to me. He called me names and hurt me bad. We didnt talk for 6 months. I was over him. He texted me 6 months later out of the blue saying he was sorry. I was hesitant to let him back in, and had asked a lot of questions. He said it was her who took his phone and texted all that stuff to me that night. I asked why he didn't take it away, and he said he was just stupid. Anyway, I slowly let him come back into my life, all of use hanging out again. I didn't flirt with him, nor did I try to let him know I was attracted. I figured It was over and I would let it be. Well about a month ago we were alone and he leaned over and started being intimate with me. It was so random and out of the blue. Basically, we have been hooking up at least twice a week since then. I am so confused. He definitely does not act like a FWB, he holds my hand fingers interlocked, and when we have sex hes gently and sweet. We cuddle before and after. I am trying to let this play out, but I just don't know his intentions. We both lost our virginity to one another. I would say we are secretly dating, but we dont go and do things alone, like eat dinner. He doesn't invite just me out to do things. He doesn't show interest in me around our friends, hes almost distant. Is my ex being around stopping him? Am I just a dirty little secret? Oh, and he ALWAYS texts me first. Everyday, throughout the day. Sometimes we will talk about the night before if we had sex, or he might just text things about work. It seems like hes interested but what the heck???? Edited June 14, 2013 by ConfusedChicken Link to post Share on other sites
InsaneTrombone Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Am I just a dirty little secret? Sounds like it, unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedChicken Posted June 14, 2013 Author Share Posted June 14, 2013 I just don't think hes the type of person to have no feelings when being intimate. I can feel the passion. Maybe I am just looking into this too soon? That girl that I mentioned, he told her he liked her a couple years ago and she turned him down. Im wondering if hes falling for me but afraid to say? I dont want to be the first to bring up the "so what are we" question. I mean HE made the first physical move. I did ask why he did that out of the blue, and he said I thought it was something you wanted. I said what does that mean? He said I thought it was something we both wanted. Ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulJazzBlues Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 You are projecting. Does he take you out?? Do you hang out without sex? Do you have proper dates? It doesn't matter how "gentle" the sex is, it's still just sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedChicken Posted June 14, 2013 Author Share Posted June 14, 2013 we have hung out and not had sex, but we are usually intimate. We've gone together to grab food, but not a date. Im sure if i asked him to go eat or go to a movie he would, but he hasn't asked me yet. I dont feel right being someone's dirty little secret, im better than that. Im just wondering if my ex is playing a role in his decision since they are pretty close. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 ... I was dating a guy for 4 years (one of our mutual friends) and broke up with him 8 months ago.... I started feeling attracted to my 10 year guy friend... ...we both lost our virginity to one another... You what? Link to post Share on other sites
OwlSoul Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Imho, if it is already screwed at such an early stage of getting intimate, it won't work at all. I mean the time he called you names and so on. You're the lady after all, why would you give a second chance to someone who treated you like that and keeps treating badly. It does not matter how sweet he behaves, how cool he is in bed, cuddles or not. When a guy is really into you, he tries to show it to everyone. He is proud, he encourages you meeting his friends, family, and clearly states you're his lady. If he fails to provide all this, then welp... Why he sleeps with you then? The heck, because he can. It is not because he is falling for you. Untill the moment he'll declare that you're his girl to the whole world, it means nothing. When a guy falls into you, he messages to you, calls, asks you out, wants yo spend time together, even tries your hobbies, asks for a date, makes compliments, talks to you to see what person you are and how well do you fit his future and so on. I do not quite understand you. You're too proud to rise the question about 'what the hell is going on?', but you're ok with him treating you badly. Link to post Share on other sites
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 You what? Simple explanation: troll. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedChicken Posted June 18, 2013 Author Share Posted June 18, 2013 Alright, I talked to him. It started because he was jealous that my ex was at my house, calling him the other man and such. Well I let that go and asked the next day if it bothered him. He said he was just confused about it. I asked so does that mean you want to be with me? Which he said i dont know. We talked for a while, both explained that we are naturally jealous people. I told him if we are just friends with benefits then it doesnt matter who else we see. He says he thinks it will end bad if we get too emotionally involved. I said you're telling me there are no emotions involved? (I just feel like there are, I mean he can't stop kissing me when he tries to leave) and he said there are a little. Well he said he wants to stay friends because he thinks he will hurt me in the end because he has anger issues and blah blah. I said well I dont know how it would end either, and im not sure I want to date right now. Basically there is no one else or anything and he seems to have this general idea that he wont ever date anyone because of his "issues". I told him I've helped him through many difficult times in his life and thats what you do, you work things out. I also told him just friends dont sleep together in which he laughed and agreed. So, it was a good convo and we agreed to keep things the way they are and see what happens. It seems like he is struggling with things within himself. He also said hes been happy since we have been seeing each other. I am still a little confused because he seems to just be holding back. I truly think he is scared of hurting me again because he has before. He keeps going back in forth between wanting to be friends and being emotionally involved. I have spoke my mind at this point and will just wait and see what happens. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
BradJacobs Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 Thoughts? He's saying exactly what he needs to say in order to have access to the sex. Actions speak louder than words. What has he shown you that indicates anything beyond a FWB? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PinkSapphire Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 Classic player lies. He is saying whatever he needs to say to get you to be cool with the arrangement. Notice how at the end of the convo, when you finally spoke your mind, he had you all cool with "waiting and seeing" what happens? In other words, you on a string waiting for him to decide if he likes you? Yeah, right, that will never happen. He will stick around to sleep with you secretly until you finally develop some self-respect and demand to be treated properly. At that moment, he will disappear and be gone forever because his easy access to sex is no longer easy. That is all he is in this for. The fact that you have the specific worries of being his "dirty little secret" and it being "just sex" is your womanly instinct telling you that that is all this is. We just try to deny those feelings and explain them away because we don't like them; in the end, however, those specific worries and fears always turn out to be true. We just need to start listening. Another tip: anytime a man says he is afraid of hurting you, that means that that is exactly what he is planning - not purposely TO hurt you, but that he knows his actions will end up doing so in the end. Saying that just sets him up to not be blamed when it happens because "he warned you." Get out. now. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted June 19, 2013 Share Posted June 19, 2013 Notice how at the end of the convo, when you finally spoke your mind, he had you all cool with "waiting and seeing" what happens? In other words, you on a string waiting for him to decide if he likes you? Yeah, right, that will never happen. This. I read it exactly the same way. By the end of the conversation, you had basically agreed to be FWB!!! I am marrying my love in two months, and our relationship started out as FWB also. Guess how that happened? I asked him to be FWB originally, and when the time came that I wanted more, I let him know I wanted a relationship and that I was done if he didn't want to move forward with me. A year later, we're getting married and have a baby on the way. You can't let this guy take control of your relationship this early on. If you want to date, then tell him, and be ready to walk if he doesn't follow suit. That's the only way you will be able to maintain your self-respect. -A 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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