Fiance came home w/girl's number in his pocket

[Naive]

So he does not remember and she does not remember??? WEIRD!!! I guess give it time. If he's never shown any signs of cheating then maybe you have nothing to worry about.

[jmargel]

Shorbus.. Weird they both saying the samething. It sounds fishy. If you haven't told him she called you back yet, here's what you do.

 

Sit him down and say 'Honey, I know what went on. I just want to hear your side of the story before doing anything'. He'll ask probably on how much you know, this is where you give the ultamatium. Either come clean now or else.

 

That'll probably get him to talk some. He's kissing ass for a reason.

[katie79]

He's right. Follow his advice. Couldn't agree with him more. It'll give him a good scare, plus you can see his reaction.

[Naive]

Good one jmargel!!! Fool him into telling you. Worst case scenario: He really does not know and looks at you weird

[girlnextdoor]

I just think it's sad that you can not trust the man you live with, the man you want to be married to, trust him enough/or that he is not trustworthy enough for you to not be completly satisfied with his answer that he just doesn't remember who gave him the number.

 

Personal experience. Went to the bar with a couple of friends the first year I was married with my hubby. Guys hitting on us gals, you know how it goes.

Next day hubby got something out of my purse and found a business card with a personal number written on back. He asked me who that was, I had no clue, one of the guys chatting with my girlfriends and me, probably.

 

He left it at that because he trusts me.

 

If he would have called the guy or keeped at me acting like he didn't trust me, we would have had some major issues. TRUST is so important.

 

Don't go snooping behind your mans back, if you don't trust him enough you shouldn't be with him.

 

I'ld be pissed if my hubby snooped behind my back cause he didn't trust me.

 

just my $0.02

[Stone]

I think jarmel has a good point and I would definatly do that first.... if he doesn't confess the ball is in your court to decide if he's lying or not... make that SOB look you right in the eye when he talks to you

[katie79]

...she doesn't want to look like a fool either.

Of course, trust, is an important issue. However, you situation differs from the other woman's. You were out WITH your hubby witnessing what was going on, she wasn't. That's a big difference.

Trusting someone enough to believe them is just the basics.

Her scenerio sounds a little shady.

However, it can be an innocent mistake too. She should check out to see what's up. What if something is going on? You don't want to marry someone like that. Don't forget, there are some people out there who we think we know, but we don't. There are many men and women out there shocked when they find out their lover was cheating.

If she goes to follow him, confront him, trick him into admitting a possible affair, or calling back his possible mistress, that's smart.

[NatoPMT]

I just think it's sad that you can not trust the man you live with, the man you want to be married to

 

I think it would be arrogant to assume it can never happen to you and that your partner will remain constant and trustworthy ad infinitum. I recognise that I am no different to anyone else. You arent infallible and yes, that person who you know inside out has recesses to their mind that you have no access to at all. You don’t know anybody inside out. Ever.

 

In addition, it’s very infrequent that there is smoke without fire – if your instincts or events suggest something, it’s more often than not correct. The key is to keep matters in perspective and recognise that innocent co-incidences are just that, and that real red flags aren’t blindly ignored. I think its sensible of shortbus to recognise she has read the signals while she is keeping an open mind to the cause of her suspicions.

 

BB

 

Ps – re: jmargel’s suggestion, an evil ex boss pulled that trick on me and I spilled every bean there was to spill. Another technique she used was to ask the question, then not say a word, and I just kept on talkin’…. Evil old cow she was, but it worked.

[melina]

Hi

 

Maybe I shouldn't post on this one about my input but moi said that you cannot go out with buddies all night when you're in a committed relationship.

 

Do all of you share that opinion? I have been in a relationship for over two years and we live together and from what I know everything is cool.

 

Nevertheless, about 3 times a year my boyfriend has got an old school friend of his flying into town or some friend's birthday party or whatever (I know them all) and trust me they DO STAY out until 4 or five in the morning. Going to clubs, dancing, drinking.

 

I don't like it but can think of worse ways my boyfriend could hurt me. I mean, so far he hasn't given me any reason to doubt that he's unfaithful. So, why is it so bad if he goes out BIG TIME on a few occasions in the year?

 

Or am I being naive?

[NatoPMT]

melina, I was thinking about moi's comment last night too. In london, if you go out til 4am and you have to get home, it can cost £30 and an hours wait for a cab, so I often stay at friend's houses out of convenience. My bf sometimes goes out till 4am without me, but it doesnt bother me in the least.

 

If you know who he's with, & you dont have any reason to doubt him, its not every weekend and its for special occassions as such, dont let it bother you.

 

BB

[melina]

thanks big belm!

 

My boyfriend IS(!) from London but living with me in my country which is Rather conservative when it comes to "committed guys" staying out late clubbing!!

 

I really do trust him and know that he gets to see his old friends from school on only a few occasions as they live all over the world; therefore have given him a bit of a hard time when he stays out. But more to make a point (after all I'm a woman ;-) and not really because I was worried that he could do something stupid. After all, I do believe that if you want to cheat you can do it anywhere/anytime. Doesn't have to be on a big night out in town, does it?

 

So, I'm glad you're sharing my opinion.

[amerikajin]

Don't go snooping behind your mans back, if you don't trust him enough you shouldn't be with him.

 

Correction: she wasn't snooping, she was doing laundry and happen to find something that looked inappropriate. She didn't accuse him of impropriety, she asked for an explanation...and didn't get one.

 

It's perfectly understandable why she's having questions about her fiance. It doesn't pay to be naive, and trust is something that is earned, not given. He's not giving satisfactory responses to her very legitimate questions. Either he was ridiculously and irresponsibly drunk the other evening, or he's not coming clean about what happened between him and the girl.

 

I think there are several scenarios here that are possible, but he needs to start being straight about everything. It's possible that the girl gave him his phone number and he just put it in his pocket without saying anything; it's possible that he did that not knowing what her intentions were and maybe just thought of her as a friend. How likely that is, I don't know. But I think that's something that could be clarified with a very simple explanation. Unfortunately, he hasn't taken the time to explain anything to her, and I would be a little concerned.

[amerikajin]

Just to follow up here, I wouldn't play the NYPD Blue card here. Don't get in his face and grill him like a homicide detective. Instead, I would be calm but direct, and relentless. Just sit him down and tell him you two are going to talk, and you're going to sit and talk until you start getting some satisfactory answers out of him - answers that make sense. Not this 'Well, I don't know who she is' or 'I was drunk, I don't remember.'

[Adunaphel]

Shortbus74,

 

sometimes guys (whom I think were trying to hit on me) asked for my phone number even if they knew I had a boyfriend...they either made up some excuse to have my number or insisted to have it saying things like "your bf is not going to be jealous if we have a coffee together, is he?". It is a quite embarassing situation because they are forcing you either to be rude to them (I feel rude even just saying "please don't insist, I don't want to give you my number") or to give them your phone number.

So in such cases I said something like "I forgot my cell phone at home, I can't remember my cell phone number...give me yours instead". I got their number and as soon as those guys were no longer in sight I threw them away.

 

Perhaps it could have been the same with your bf.

 

Any chances that the girl might have been drunk, had insisted giving him her number, he took it to get rid of her and with the intention of throwing it away and he forgot about it?

If you take a number just to avoid a nuisance it is very possible that you forget about it after a while.

 

Also, I might be very naive here, but could anyone have slipped the number in his pocket?

Sometimes you see childish stuff like a girl asking a girlfriend to slip her # in the pocket of a cute guy happen even among adults.

 

Also....I think it might be a good sign that you found his # while doing laundry.

 

If someone really cares for a phone number, he does not leave it in the pocket of his trousers/jacket and puts them in the laundry basket.

When you forget pieces of papers in the pockets of trousers and wash them, when they exit the washing-machine whatever was on the slip of paper is destroyed.

So if he gave a damn about the girl, logically he should have removed the number from his pockets to put it somewhere where it would not be destroyed.

 

Also, usually people who want to call someone behind their gf's back they don't leave the number where their partner can find it.

Had he known he was doing something wrong, you wouldn't have found the number in the laundry.....people who plan something fishy usually don't leave evidence around.

 

I hope your fiance didn't really want that number in the first place and it is just a string of coincidences.

[shortbus74]

I thank all of you for you input on this matter.....

 

Like I said, the girl did call me back and I did speak to her.. I was nice and just asked her about the situation. She said she did not remember giving her # out the past weekend.. For all I know he could have told her he would help her get a mortgage for a new home. If there was really something going on do you think this girl would have called me back? (I have quite the rep. around town as not being so nice on matters like this)

 

Amerikajinand Adunaphel....thanks for the support!

 

This situation was not a matter of lack of trust...it was a matter of my own insecurities because of past relationships. Like I expressed once before, I was burned very badly in my first marriage due to trusting someone too much (amazing you can trust someone too much). I refuse to ever put myself in that situation again. (quick info. on first marriage....married when I was 23 to a nice jewish boy,5 years later he cheated on me with his best friends wife, he left me with nothing but bills and I filed for divorce)

 

So I am playing my cards differently now, I am a little more cautious about trusting someone. I know that my fiance is nothing like my ex-husband, but I also know the last thing I ever thought my ex would do is cheat on me in consideration that he looked down on anyone who strayed from their marriage..(guess he was an execption to this rule)

 

I think that Adunaphel is on to something with his senerio on the mystery ##.

In all honesty..if someone is going to cheat they are going to do it regardless of what they have at home. (I learned that one the hard way)

As I have said before, if I find out he is a cheater, it will be over. There is no forgiving on my part. And life will go on......

[Adunaphel]

If there was really something going on do you think this girl would have called me back?

 

Er, actually yes.

 

I think she'd have called you back regardless if there was something going on or not.

Expecially since you had already left a message two times, and she must have thought that you'd call again and again until she picked up the phone or called back.

 

Also her being nice does not really mean anything. One can be lying and nice or vice versa, telling the truth and pissed off and vice versa.

 

Besides the girl could have been 'guilty' and your bf not..... it could be that she was hitting on him and he didn't care and didn't even realize it.

 

Anyway your bf could very well be totally innocent.

 

I suggest you follow Americajin's advice though - sit and talk unless you get an answer that makes some sense. Or a *guess* on his part that makes some sense. Or until you are sure he might have actually have no clue where the number comes from.

 

Now that I think of it....the girl remembers not giving out her number in the weekend.... have you made sure she and your bf were in the same place that night, and not in opposite sides of the town or miles away? Did she say she was in the same pub/bar/club/restaurant your bf was?

 

On a side note,

. (quick info. on first marriage....married when I was 23 to a nice jewish boy,5 years later he cheated on me with his best friends wife, he left me with nothing but bills and I filed for divorce)

 

*what an assh*le!!!!*

[shortbus74]

She said she was in Savannah and I know he was in Hilton Head....

 

I do admit the whole "I do not know nor do I remember" thing is kinda of an easy way out to explain something... But, I can really only take his word.. And I can only take her word as well.

But I do find it amusing that she does not even remember meeting him let alone giving her # out to him...

[Nocturnalkitee]

Originally posted by shortbus74

She said she was in Savannah and I know he was in Hilton Head....

 

I do admit the whole "I do not know nor do I remember" thing is kinda of an easy way out to explain something... But, I can really only take his word.. And I can only take her word as well.

But I do find it amusing that she does not even remember meeting him let alone giving her # out to him...

 

I use to date a guy who had business card from so many women that I would never know if he was cheating or not, because he had cards from men too. If I ever spoke on the subject it was always work related. If he had lunch or dinner with them it was work related. I found out that he was cheating with one of the women, he tried to say that it was business. Yeah-right why are you calling her on a Sunday more then 3 times? He's cell phone was out and I checked it.

 

I said all that to say their stories sound weak. Be careful,and relax maybe he took the number trying to impress his male friend. Instead of saying she didn't remember, she should have said "It was work related" just joking.

[gwennebe]

I had to let everyone hear this story if you think yours is bad.... I was in my exs bathroom one time cleaning for him and his grandmother (whom he lived with) and I found a letter from a girl that he met like 2 weeks before me saying how much she loved having sex with him and if he ever wanted to do it again just to call. I asked him about her because I suspected something in my gut when I met her one time.

 

I also found like3 USED condoms in his shaving kit. ugh....... Just thinking about it makes me ill. It really upset me because we had stopped using condoms by then and I'm like why do you have this crap in here and why didn't you throw them away? He claimed he used them for masterbation. OKay whatever..

 

Then I got so mad I threw all of the old ones and one not used and you guys can be dang sure everytime I went in his bathroom I checked for more. I didn't find any until we were on a break and a month later started dating again and he had a 12 pack and one was missing and of course he claims he used it for masterbation. Needless to say we are no longer and never will be again.!!

 

Oh almost forgot he had like 10 phone numbers at any given time hidden in different places. I would find at least 2 every time he went out and he wondered why I didn't trust him.