Profile of a betrayed spouse?!

[LilGirlandOW]

So its estabished that I'm an OW...

 

How is it that MM pull it off so easily? OK so maybe not easily, but wow if I were in a real relationship and my man spent every night for hours secretly texting, "working late", disappearing, etc, etc. I would even before being the OW obviously know that somethings going on... Why do BS's either not know or stick around? I'm at the point kinda where I dont even know if I want anything "real" with my MM, I'm really opening my eyes lately.

 

If a BS isnt in fear of her WS, like he/she isnt abusive, why does the BS not see the obviously and constant red flags? and if they do why the hell do they put up with it? I sure as hell wouldnt, in my youth 20's being in an abusive marraige i lived in a state of fear... now i'm not old by any means but in my early 30's even I'm a woman now and if I were in a marraige and saw red flags I would investigate and be long gone...

 

It baffles me how grown women/men just turn a blind eye, wow.

 

My MM's BS is a very independent and confident woman, but obviously blind or something. To boot her family is very well off and her parents are divorced so its not like they dont believe in or support that kind of decision. All that being said, I'm not saying this cause I want her to leave him... I almost fear she will lately. I actually think, and I know this will sound very naieve, I think he is capable of being faithful, and was to her for years and years, but fell out of love with her a long time ago, which is what spurred our affair.

 

Thoughts?

[Silly_Girl]

Some people actually lead quite solitary lives in a relationship. Or perhaps as things haven't progressed as they would hope within the marriage they find hobbies and social events and interests that slowly over time move focus away from the marriage. Turning a blind eye in my view, but some people prefer that.

 

Or perhaps the other spouse has a 'special friend' too...

[waterwoman]

I think you'll find it's called trust.

[sweet_pea]

BS' don't know, because he's good at lying and covering things up...

 

The thing is, these red flags may seem obvious to YOU, but you don't live with him, you don't know how he is covering his tail, do you? You get to see him lying, the BS doesn't. She just thinks he's staying late for work... why else would she question that? She probably has to stay late for work at times as well.

 

They put up with it, because they don't know otherwise. You put up with being the OW, right? So ask yourself these same questions.

 

It baffles me that the OW always think that the BS is turning a blind eye. Puh-lease, ask all of the BS' on this forum if they turned a blind eye, you'd probably get all of your answers.

 

It's kind of funny. You ask how could the BS not see this and that. Well, hmm, if she had the same knowledge that you do, she'd get to see everything.

 

[waterwoman]

Just to add you can be aware 'something' is wrong but not in a million years beleive it's an affair. It isn't the first conclusion you come to if it hasn't happened before in a long relationship.

[findingnemo]

I don't think BS' ignore the signs or miss them because they are neglectful or stupid. I believe that what happens is

 

1. they assume everything is okay and that if their spouse had an issue, he/she will bring it up. So they go about the business of daily life and only notice the signs when things have gone too far.

 

2. WS' in As treat their BS' much better. Whether it is because of guilt or in order to avoid suspicion, life at home is pretty comfortable for the BS until d-day.

 

3. A BS may be dealing with some serious problems such as a sick relative, work issues, things that take away his/her focus from the R. He/she won't notice the signs because they aren't looking for them.

 

Usually with women, a BW will know intuitively that something is up. I can't explain what triggered my intuition but I know that it would suddenly kick in prompting me to check if xH was fooling around again.

[sweet_pea]

My posts should say some* OW, as I know not all current/former OW think this way

[todreaminblue]

heres my profile

 

 

i was snowed under with child issues.......

i thought he was uptight liek i was because my second oldest child was being a juvenile delinquent.....

i thought he was pissed at me because i was falling apart...well he was pissed at me but that wasnt the only reason

 

christmas hit

 

i was babysitting partners parents dog while he was sleeping with her...what man would do that right......

 

when i began to notice while trying to manage five kids a home and the issues i had to deal with and help his parents out, who i adore btw......

 

 

it was over.........bar the talk.......and end it did..............now the ow is with him.....i wish them luck....

 

the fact is you as the other woman know.......but you arent saying anything...maybe you should bring it all out into the open and watch the feathers fly.......that would be extremely brave and honest of you..i understand why you wouldnt want to .......that is why.....

 

 

the betrayed are the last to deal with betrayal...

 

 

the secrecy the blindfolds put up.....i dealt with it when th9ose blindfolds came off...i gave the ultimatum and i lost....or won ....depends on which way you look at it..deb

[waterwoman]

the secrecy the blindfolds put up.....i dealt with it when th9ose blindfolds came off...i gave the ultimatum and i lost....or won ....depends on which way you look at it..deb

 

You won deb, you won

[AliciaFlorrick]

WH never texted, emailed or phoned OW from home. He never came home late or left early. He did not date her, spend money on her, buy her gifts, take her out. When they did have opportunity to act like a "dating" couple in places where no one knew me or could report back to me he still did not treat her like a girlfriend (her words). They snogged in abandoned car parks and had once off sex at a family member's home where she was boarding. He suffered with guilt induced ED and then he dumped her right after (polygraph confirmed) His adultery was conducted exclusively during work hours. She was a co-worker and he reported to her. He worked in specialised retail and had a lot of responsibility so was off seeing clients, dropping off or picking up stock, picking up mail and OW would go with and because there was no set time to get back, they did what they did when they could. When WH was at home she did not exist and when he was at work the kids and I did not exist. His behaviour did not change at all in any way, manner or form. There were no red flags. Could he do it again? Sure...but so can I and WH really, really does not want that. I brought up that we could have an open marriage and then we will both get our needs met and I was met with an emphatic NO. I am open and willing to D as I don't believe in holding onto an unhappy spouse and was again met with an emphatic NO. So with loads of therapy, pride in our pockets, faith, hardworking love and a belief that no one is beyond redemption if they are remorseful we are working on reconciliation.

[SunshineToday]

I'm just waiting for a BS to come post that she knew about the A but turned a blind eye.

 

Because I have never known any BS to say that. In my limited real life knowledge of others Affairs, I don't know ANYONE who turned a blind eye.

 

Why do I read it so much from OW that the BS must be turning a blind eye, does that make you feel better? I guess it would make an OW feel better, but most of the time it doesn't seem to be true!

[woinlove]

You'd probably get more insight into BS's behavior from BS than from OW/OM, but from reading the infidelity forum it seems that when BS ask what is up, the WS has some lie, like dealing with something difficult at work or such.

 

If one doesn't typically lie and does not like to lie, it is very difficult to understand how others do it, especially someone you love. This was one of the most difficult things for me, understanding how xMM could lie, day in and day out, to someone who trusted him. xMM, both through direct lies and through omission, did what he could to make his BW continue under the assumption they had an exclusive relationship. Fortunately, it finally ate at him enough that he told her the truth.

[WakingUp]

Another interesting topic.

 

She knows now, but she knew then.

 

BS has said she wished she didn't know. She would have preferred that the lies and subterfuge continued. That the stress has been taken off MM and I and put onto her.

 

However, she has also made it clear that she knew of the affair all along. She just didn't know who it was with.

 

I don't understand it really. If it was me I would want the truth... not to keep living a lie. I would be out there with guns blazing.

 

But hey, Im putting up with a half life anyways... who am I to throw stones?

[Spark1111]

There is no one easier to lie to than someone who loves, trusts, and supports you right?

 

And when he is home with the spouse and family, he is doing the very same things he had ALWAYS done including making love to me twice a week while telling her he was in an almost sexless marriage.

 

He had started a new high-powered position which involved travel and she was a divorced co-worker. It was the perfect cover.

 

he had her disguised as a man in his cell phone, one of 50 men who called him daily for business reasons.

 

Emotionally, as he grew more distant, the kids and I chalked it up to job stress. When asked if something is wrong, I was told nothing.

 

Devoted to him, I began doing more and more to ease his home burdens so he could grow his new position which was so important to him. We still hosted holidays, went out with friends and on vacations.

 

I sensed something was off, but in a million years I would never have guessed another woman!

 

And I am a typical profile of a BS darling.

[grassisorisntgreener]

Being on the other side..

 

My husband actually has way more time to himself than I do. And it isn't out of the ordinary for me to be on my phone (though I don't text OM at night much).

 

When I'm home I'm cooking, cleaning, playing with the kids, doing normal wife stuff.

 

Before OM's D-day (he didn't sell me out to his gf) I'd go to his house (they don't live together) once every 2 weeks in the evening and say I was working late.

 

Now I don't get to see him other than at work maybe once a week, if that, and we are never alone. And we really only talk during work hours.

[Goodbye]

I suspect the BS in my case had little knowledge of what was going on because my exMM is a masterful liar. He had me truly believing I was the love of his life, he was going to exit his marriage, we were going to be together and this was what he wanted more than anything. But...none if that happened. So, if I could believe such stuff, I'm sure he snowed his wife as well.

 

I've thought about what was probably going on on her end. My guess (all speculation, as there never was a D day) is that he convinced her he had all sorts of business prospects in the various places we visited. He probably came up with alibis and stories. This makes me cringe, as he told me MANY times they were not having sex, but I suspect he probably INCREASED his physical attention toward her...probably really convinced her he was madly in love with her and was going on "business trips" to bring in more money for their family.

 

I don't know if any of this is what really happened. I don't really spend a lot of time feeling guilty for the BS in my situation...as I feel her anger should be directed at the one she married...but I DO feel sorry for her being married to a pathological liar.

[Spotme]

For how I didn't see it, copy and paste Spark's post, add in a dash of Frozen Sprouts' post, and sprinkle with OW pretended to be my friend and helped pile on the bull. Although I have to say H was the better liar of the two until OW realized her access to him might be on the line - then she stepped up her game.

[Goodbye]

As many affairs are a result of a midlife crisis, it seems the signs are pretty well hidden...my husband travels for business, stress is a way of life for executives, working around the clock is normal, etc...,those can be signs of an affair or a man with a demanding job...I never checked up on him, never doubted him, not because I was blind but because I trusted him and never imagined he would sink so low to self soothe in that manner. I guess my question for OW would be how can you ignore the signs that you are just a part of a mid life crisis for many of these men and when the rubber hits the road, you will be alone as he finally realizes there is a better way to deal with life?

 

 

When I realized I was likely part of a midlife crisis, I bailed. I think you are right though...so many of the "symptoms" of an affair can also be explained away as stress secondary to a demanding career.

[Improudofme]

I loved him - I thought he loved me- life has ups and downs - Being married isn't easy- He had days where things felt off - I did too. Being married involves trust. Accusing my husband of cheating is horrible - as is the act of having an affair. I wanted to help him with his life and help him get things back to normal when I thought he was working too hard and not coming home. Jumping to he is having an affair was never in the thoughts. I just thought he was working too hard. I made his life extra special when he came home - so he could unwind and relax after what I thought was a very hard day at work.

 

I get irritated with these posts that the BS is stupid- we love our spouses. We trust our spouses to have the best intentions for us. Otherwise we would not have married them.

 

Do you think when we got married in front of all our friends and family - we were saying - I love him and I beleive he will have an affair. No we were looking at the person and saying I love him with all my heart - I found the one - I trust- the one - I will spend the rest of my life with- I trust him IMPLICITLTY--- otherwise I wouldn't have married him- I would have looked for someone else to marry and love and trust IMPLICITLY.

 

We are not stupid - we are in love and we trust the one person we said --I DO to.

 

When we walked down the aisle we said to each other - it is an unsaid knowledge we will be faithful- most of us take that as a pledge and promise- we believe our spouses will honor that- so why would we automatically assume that they are sleeping around- WE love and beleive in our spouses.

 

We are not the ones who did not take our vows seriously -

 

It is the WS and the OW/OM's that have no regard for vows.

 

I simply believed my WS felt the same way and all the red flags were him working too hard to provide a safe and happy environment for our children.

 

BECAUSE I TRUSTED HIM IMPLICITLY- I hope I find this again. BECAUSE IT WAS A WONDERFUL FEELING. One I am not sure a OW/OM can ever find - as it is obvious - VOWS mean nothing. YOU ARE MISSING OUT because IT IS WONDERFUL.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi.

 

I agree with what many have said (about overlapping symptoms with career-induced stress, gas-lighting, trusting, etc.).

 

Furthermore, having read your other posts, I truly hope you will eventually:

1. Stop selling your-self short and settling for a married man

2. Stop participating in him deceiving his spouse and realize how horrible his (and, by extension, your) actions are to her (and you). And hopefully come to the point where you'll realize laughing at you two being sister-wives (without her knowing) is cruel to her, even though this situation might truly and honestly be something you are 100% happy with.

3.. Address the issues you have that have caused 1. and 2.

 

If a BS isnt in fear of her WS, like he/she isnt abusive, why does the BS not see the obviously and constant red flags? /.../ if I were in a marraige and saw red flags I would investigate and be long gone...

 

It baffles me how grown women/men just turn a blind eye, wow.

 

/.../ actually think, and I know this will sound very naieve, I think he is capable of being faithful, and was to her for years and years, but fell out of love with her a long time ago, which is what spurred our affair.

 

Thoughts?

 

I think it's both sad and ironic what you've written. That you don't fully realize all the red flags and what both of you are doing to her and to yourself, yet you are baffled at how "grown women/men just turn a blind eye".

 

I truly wish you all the best in finding happiness without hurting yourself&others.

 

Best wishes

[Journee]

Well I know for me my intuition kicked in. H and I were separated (for non A reasons) and not even living in the same zip code. Yet, we were trying to reconcile and I was pregnant with his second child. I knew something was off at 5 weeks ,brought it up the 7th week and called OW the 8th week.

 

 

Most BS 's know our spouses very well regardless of what APs think they "know". I wasn't even living with mine yet knew. Even with working full time ,expanding my department at work ,taking on a higher level managerial role ,maintaining a difficult pregnancy ,potty training our oldest ,the list goes on and on and on.

 

Some could argue that I really should not feel betrayed but I do. I believed when he said he loved and wanted me. That things were going to come together. That I was his everything. Well when everything was going to finally file the D papers after discovery of his activities while I was barfing from the pregnancy nausea and working my arse off....he begged me for a full and honest reconciliation.

 

We are real people with real lives and what we believed to be real relationships. Why we are portrayed here as these spoiled ,ditzy ,oblivious fools is beyond me. If you even read a handful of the posts here by BS's you will see how witty and articulate these folks are. How sharp and intuitive a BS can be. You can read right here the stories of pre and post DDay relationships with the WS. It's all there. In my opinion it is rare to find a BS that just couldn't be bothered that their spouse is making a complete fool out of them all while putting their health at risk with sex with OW/OM.

 

I know not all marriages are the same but I know they all have two sides.

[Goodbye]

I loved him - I thought he loved me- life has ups and downs - Being married isn't easy- He had days where things felt off - I did too. Being married involves trust. Accusing my husband of cheating is horrible - as is the act of having an affair. I wanted to help him with his life and help him get things back to normal when I thought he was working too hard and not coming home. Jumping to he is having an affair was never in the thoughts. I just thought he was working too hard. I made his life extra special when he came home - so he could unwind and relax after what I thought was a very hard day at work.

 

I get irritated with these posts that the BS is stupid- we love our spouses. We trust our spouses to have the best intentions for us. Otherwise we would not have married them.

 

Do you think when we got married in front of all our friends and family - we were saying - I love him and I beleive he will have an affair. No we were looking at the person and saying I love him with all my heart - I found the one - I trust- the one - I will spend the rest of my life with- I trust him IMPLICITLTY--- otherwise I wouldn't have married him- I would have looked for someone else to marry and love and trust IMPLICITLY.

 

We are not stupid - we are in love and we trust the one person we said --I DO to.

 

When we walked down the aisle we said to each other - it is an unsaid knowledge we will be faithful- most of us take that as a pledge and promise- we believe our spouses will honor that- so why would we automatically assume that they are sleeping around- WE love and beleive in our spouses.

 

We are not the ones who did not take our vows seriously -

 

It is the WS and the OW/OM's that have no regard for vows.

 

I simply believed my WS felt the same way and all the red flags were him working too hard to provide a safe and happy environment for our children.

 

BECAUSE I TRUSTED HIM IMPLICITLY- I hope I find this again. BECAUSE IT WAS A WONDERFUL FEELING. One I am not sure a OW/OM can ever find - as it is obvious - VOWS mean nothing. YOU ARE MISSING OUT because IT IS WONDERFUL.

 

 

Yes, your WS had no respect for your vows.

[Silly_Girl]

I think you'll find it's called trust.

 

Is it not a bit more complex? I trust my man, but I wouldn't like or accept him behaving as the OP describes.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm just waiting for a BS to come post that she knew about the A but turned a blind eye.

 

Because I have never known any BS to say that. In my limited real life knowledge of others Affairs, I don't know ANYONE who turned a blind eye.

 

Why do I read it so much from OW that the BS must be turning a blind eye, does that make you feel better? I guess it would make an OW feel better, but most of the time it doesn't seem to be true!

 

I know of one in real life who has been told by 2 friends in their social circle and will not address it. And a wife who was a BS a few years ago outwardly showed no reaction, but inwardly was hurting massively.

[cocorico]

Some people actually lead quite solitary lives in a relationship. Or perhaps as things haven't progressed as they would hope within the marriage they find hobbies and social events and interests that slowly over time move focus away from the marriage. Turning a blind eye in my view, but some people prefer that.

 

Or perhaps the other spouse has a 'special friend' too...

 

And sometimes the self-esteem of the BS is based on putting down their spouse, and they have come to believe their own spin that no one else would ever look at the spouse, they're so lucky to have the BS, seeing how totally worthless and unlovely they are, etc, so it never actually occurs to them that perhaps the WS has found someone else.

 

Or perhaps the BS simply doesn't care.