Profile of a betrayed spouse?!

[sweet_pea]

Is it not a bit more complex? I trust my man, but I wouldn't like or accept him behaving as the OP describes.

 

Yes, and no, as far as the complexity. It really, most of the times, is just trust. However, the behavior of that OP describes is only what she sees. Unless she is in the family home and with the couple (which is messed up on its own), she has no way of knowing how well he hides/lies, right? That is where the trust, once again, comes up... He probably isn't acting the way OP describes it, or to the extent that she may think, with his wife, therefore she simply trusts him and what he says...

[Owl]

And sometimes the self-esteem of the BS is based on putting down their spouse, and they have come to believe their own spin that no one else would ever look at the spouse, they're so lucky to have the BS, seeing how totally worthless and unlovely they are, etc, so it never actually occurs to them that perhaps the WS has found someone else.

 

Or perhaps the BS simply doesn't care.

 

You can find one whackdoodle outlier in any data set.

 

Just asnot every OW is like that crazy stalker "astrunut" that was all over TV a few years ago....the crazy/evil woman BW isn't representative of a majority of BS's.

[Quiet Storm]

It's easy for OW to say that their antennas would be up, but that is because they know MM is a cheater. BW usually don't have this knowledge. Even still, many OW are shocked when they discover another OW. This is because MM are usually very good at what they do. They make each women feel special and important to him.

 

Most MM compartmentalize very well. They have a great talent of making women feel as if they are the perfect woman for him. He can have an affair with OW and be genuinely focused on her in the "affair bubble", and also be a good husband and father at home. He i able to "love" in each compartment. Some people are able to compartmentalize very well...soldiers, doctors, homicide detectives, hookers. They can focus their attention on the task at hand, and switch gears and put their other lives out of their minds at home. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

My friend's son was 18 and a senior in HS. He got good grades, had a job, played sports, lots of friends, seemed happy & well adjusted. He was honest, had no problems in school. He had about $3K saved up to buy a car. One day, he asked my friend to borrow money. He said he had lost his bank card and had to wait for the bank to send him a new one. Two days later, the cops came & took him away in handcuffs. He had stolen pain pills out of a coworkers pocketbook.

 

Turns out he had become addicted to oxycontin and had blown through his car savings in six months. He was taking a huge amount of pills and even snorting them. During these six months, he continued to go to school, go to work, and act happy at home. He managed to keep his grades up. He had some bad moods, but blamed them on a GF.

 

My friend had NO CLUE. She was shocked and heartbroken. She did not suspect because she trusted him. She had never had a reason not to. He was not acting like she thought an addict would act. He was believable.

 

I think many BS are in a similar situation. They love and trust their WS. They are honest people and their nature is to trust and have faith. There may be little signs, but they are easily explained away by a person that you've known to be trustworthy.

 

So I think most BS are not in denial, they just trust & have faith in their spouses. Some BS may be a little naive, but that is often because they view others through the lens of their own integrity. Some BS may be in denial, especially if the WS is a serial cheater.

 

I actually think many OW are in denial because they know MM is a cheater. They are privvy to that aspect of his character and manage to rationalize it away. There are also naive OW that don't realize that many men want both- marriage & and affair. Many OW trust their MM blindy- ignoring MM's actions, and instead focusing on the feelings MM inspire in them.

 

There are some BS that do know and turn a blind eye. This is usually because they are happy & content in their home life. They are usually no longer interested in sex or romance with WS. They may get to a point in their life where sex & romance are not priorities, and actually feel relief that WS found an outlet for that. They still love WS and want to keep their family intact, just as WS loves BS and wants to keep his family intact. Marriages evolve, and the lack of sex or romance does not always negate the love they feel for each other. A long marriage is like a chapter book. It may begin with lust, sex & romance and evolve over many years into a caring, deep, nurturing friendship/partnership. Many mature people know this, accept it, and some even welcome it.

[cocorico]

You can find one whackdoodle outlier in any data set.

 

Just asnot every OW is like that crazy stalker "astrunut" that was all over TV a few years ago....the crazy/evil woman BW isn't representative of a majority of BS's.

 

Rs, and the people in them, are all different. I don't think anybody on this thread has claimed that their answers were valid for each and every situation. Each has described a situation they are personally acquainted with, and as such all are equally valid.

[Elfie]

So its estabished that I'm an OW...

 

How is it that MM pull it off so easily? OK so maybe not easily, but wow if I were in a real relationship and my man spent every night for hours secretly texting, "working late", disappearing, etc, etc. I would even before being the OW obviously know that somethings going on... Why do BS's either not know or stick around? I'm at the point kinda where I dont even know if I want anything "real" with my MM, I'm really opening my eyes lately.

 

If a BS isnt in fear of her WS, like he/she isnt abusive, why does the BS not see the obviously and constant red flags? and if they do why the hell do they put up with it? I sure as hell wouldnt, in my youth 20's being in an abusive marraige i lived in a state of fear... now i'm not old by any means but in my early 30's even I'm a woman now and if I were in a marraige and saw red flags I would investigate and be long gone...

 

It baffles me how grown women/men just turn a blind eye, wow.

 

My MM's BS is a very independent and confident woman, but obviously blind or something. To boot her family is very well off and her parents are divorced so its not like they dont believe in or support that kind of decision. All that being said, I'm not saying this cause I want her to leave him... I almost fear she will lately. I actually think, and I know this will sound very naieve, I think he is capable of being faithful, and was to her for years and years, but fell out of love with her a long time ago, which is what spurred our affair.

 

Thoughts?

 

Sadly, they may put up with WS for the same reason OW/OM put up with their lot - love.

 

And maybe believing what she/he wants to believe, rather than what you should believe.

 

Very sad all round really.

[Silly_Girl]

Yes, and no, as far as the complexity. It really, most of the times, is just trust. However, the behavior of that OP describes is only what she sees. Unless she is in the family home and with the couple (which is messed up on its own), she has no way of knowing how well he hides/lies, right? That is where the trust, once again, comes up... He probably isn't acting the way OP describes it, or to the extent that she may think, with his wife, therefore she simply trusts him and what he says...

 

My ex-MM was spending nights away, sometimes with no warning. Sleeping in his car or the office sometimes etc etc. Home one weekend a month after being home all weekends, and so on. I know those things for a fact. And that's just one facet of how he behaved. I don't consider that normal or acceptable for any couple, regardless of how much love/trust there is or how good a liar the WS is. I know what you're saying, and it's all points on a spectrum, but I think SOME betrayed spouses definitely are happy (or willing) to be a part of that dynamic.

[Silly_Girl]

Rs, and the people in them, are all different. I don't think anybody on this thread has claimed that their answers were valid for each and every situation. Each has described a situation they are personally acquainted with, and as such all are equally valid.

 

Ah, replied before I saw this, but yes, I agree. Hence my 'on a spectrum' comment.

[Got it]

The piece with my situation that always surprised me was her lack of recognizing the signs since she had her own affair. I would have thought they would have jumped out more having been on the other side of the dynamic but I guess not so.

[woinlove]

Rs, and the people in them, are all different. I don't think anybody on this thread has claimed that their answers were valid for each and every situation. Each has described a situation they are personally acquainted with, and as such all are equally valid.

 

Some are discussing their own experience as a BS and some are describing what they think they know about someone else. Not the same. I find some of the latter descriptions implausible from having read many stories directly from BS on the Infidelity forum. People have a tendency to believe what they want to believe when they are talking about how other people think.

[eleanorrigby]

Why do BS's either not know or stick around? I'm at the point kinda where I dont even know if I want anything "real" with my MM, I'm really opening my eyes lately.

 

If a BS isnt in fear of her WS, like he/she isnt abusive, why does the BS not see the obviously and constant red flags? and if they do why the hell do they put up with it?

Thoughts?

 

 

If the affair is very obvious and constantly in her face, why wouldn't you just tell her what's going on? What's the reason to continue to hide if you are not even hiding that well?

 

Why does it matter to you that she knows or does not know?

[Silly_Girl]

The piece with my situation that always surprised me was her lack of recognizing the signs since she had her own affair. I would have thought they would have jumped out more having been on the other side of the dynamic but I guess not so.

 

Same! However, wife came clean early on in her affair, so I wonder if she subconsciously had expectations of the same from her H.

[Pierre]

So its estabished that I'm an OW...

 

How is it that MM pull it off so easily? OK so maybe not easily, but wow if I were in a real relationship and my man spent every night for hours secretly texting, "working late", disappearing, etc, etc. I would even before being the OW obviously know that somethings going on... Why do BS's either not know or stick around? I'm at the point kinda where I dont even know if I want anything "real" with my MM, I'm really opening my eyes lately.

 

If a BS isnt in fear of her WS, like he/she isnt abusive, why does the BS not see the obviously and constant red flags? and if they do why the hell do they put up with it? I sure as hell wouldnt, in my youth 20's being in an abusive marraige i lived in a state of fear... now i'm not old by any means but in my early 30's even I'm a woman now and if I were in a marraige and saw red flags I would investigate and be long gone...

 

It baffles me how grown women/men just turn a blind eye, wow.

 

My MM's BS is a very independent and confident woman, but obviously blind or something. To boot her family is very well off and her parents are divorced so its not like they dont believe in or support that kind of decision. All that being said, I'm not saying this cause I want her to leave him... I almost fear she will lately. I actually think, and I know this will sound very naieve, I think he is capable of being faithful, and was to her for years and years, but fell out of love with her a long time ago, which is what spurred our affair.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

Easy:

 

Folks that would never consider cheating cannot imagine the spouse is a cheater. Most of the time people judge others from their perspective. For example, you will find that a male philanderer is very jealous and insecure and often believes his wife could be cheating. The philanderer judges form his perspective.

 

Secondly, folks that are not insecure or needy do not suspect infidelity if they don't get attention. On the other hand those that need more attention tend to be more suspicious of infidelity.

 

And lastly, the classic one: She knows but looks the other way is rather rare.

[waterwoman]

Is it not a bit more complex? I trust my man, but I wouldn't like or accept him behaving as the OP describes.

 

Yes but what does the OP describe?

 

"my man spent every night for hours secretly texting, "working late", disappearing, etc, etc"

 

If he's secretly texting she wouldn't know would she? H was texting more than usual but he was always texting his mates about football or his colleagues about issues regarding children at school so I didnt really see that as a red flag.

 

'Working late' is often just that. It is neccessary in some jobs. It was in H's from time to time. The school was going through a lot of changes at the time and all the staff were working late. Not suspicious.

 

And not sure what 'disappearing' means - H goes to the pub for a pint quite often, or to watch football. I am not surprised by that, it's normal. I don't keep tabs on him, nor he on me.

 

None of those things are suspicious on their own - it's only when these things build up and up and you realise that something's off but not that he's having an affair. And you ask if all is OK, and he says yes, or more likely 'Yes, of course, stop asking me!'. So you are in an odd kind of limbo but because of trust you still don't suspect affair, its work, or he;s overtired. I kept asking him to to the doctor as he seemed so irritable and stressed. Then something happens that suddenly flicks a switch in your head from 'that's not really a problem' to 'hang on?' that the suspicions flood in and you can't rest until you find proof. And when you find it it's like drowning. And part of you STILL can't beleive that its happening, and maybe you'll wake and it won;t be true. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

 

But beleive me trust IS the main reason. A trust built up from years and years of loyalty and love and experience. I had no reason to not trust him until now.

[Spotme]

Specifically addressing how a BS could not notice the texting, my personal situation is that my H is a minimalist texter. You look at text conversations he has with anybody and you'll see that 80% of the words come from the other person. It takes mere seconds to check and respond to a text, especially when your responses are mostly three words or less. So all of their contact while he was home with us was by text, which is also not time sensitive so he could ignore it whenever he needed to, and sending a quick text while surfing on his phone, which he does constantly, could easily slip under the radar. I was also asleep a lot of the times that he commonly texted (mostly super early in the morning).

[Spark1111]

Is it not a bit more complex? I trust my man, but I wouldn't like or accept him behaving as the OP describes.

 

Yet here we have posts from both BS and WSs saying how easily the affair was conducted right under the noses of the BS with no one the wiser.

 

 

Happens every day.

[SweetiePie12]

if I were in a real relationship and my man spent every night for hours secretly texting, "working late", disappearing, etc, etc. I would even before being the OW obviously know that somethings going on... Why do BS's either not know or stick around?

 

Good question!

 

It baffles me how grown women/men just turn a blind eye, wow.

 

Isn't it sad?! Very sad.

[Spark1111]

So its estabished that I'm an OW...

 

How is it that MM pull it off so easily? OK so maybe not easily, but wow if I were in a real relationship and my man spent every night for hours secretly texting, "working late", disappearing, etc, etc. I would even before being the OW obviously know that somethings going on... Why do BS's either not know or stick around? I'm at the point kinda where I dont even know if I want anything "real" with my MM, I'm really opening my eyes lately.

 

If a BS isnt in fear of her WS, like he/she isnt abusive, why does the BS not see the obviously and constant red flags? and if they do why the hell do they put up with it? I sure as hell wouldnt, in my youth 20's being in an abusive marraige i lived in a state of fear... now i'm not old by any means but in my early 30's even I'm a woman now and if I were in a marraige and saw red flags I would investigate and be long gone...

 

It baffles me how grown women/men just turn a blind eye, wow.

 

My MM's BS is a very independent and confident woman, but obviously blind or something. To boot her family is very well off and her parents are divorced so its not like they dont believe in or support that kind of decision. All that being said, I'm not saying this cause I want her to leave him... I almost fear she will lately. I actually think, and I know this will sound very naieve, I think he is capable of being faithful, and was to her for years and years, but fell out of love with her a long time ago, which is what spurred our affair.

 

Thoughts?

 

LGandOW, be careful of making this assumption.

 

Not only can it be wrong as evidenced by all the posts in this thread, it is often USED by OW and fed by MM to ASSUME the spouse is stupid, uncaring, or in tacit approval of the affair and seemingly looking the other way.

 

Keep reading.....The heartache and devastation that transpires after DDAY, the threats, accusations and exposure to others could ROCK your reality and turn all these assumptions right on their ears.

 

HOW would you feel to learn NONE of the above Could BE TRUE.

 

ready for that scenario in your life?

 

If not, and if you don't want anything real with him, why risk it?

[cocorico]

 

How is it that MM pull it off so easily? OK so maybe not easily, but wow if I were in a real relationship and my man spent every night for hours secretly texting, "working late", disappearing, etc, etc. I would even before being the OW obviously know that somethings going on...

 

Some Ms are not real relationships.

[sweet_pea]

Some Ms are not real relationships.

 

Uh, who are you to say whether or not a M is real?

[Owl]

Isn't it sad?! Very sad.

 

I've seen a lot of 'very sad' posted recently.

 

How about this thought?

 

Some people do want to trust their spouse...sometimes even far beyond what they should have?

 

They find it hard to believe that their spouse could truly betray them in the fashion that they start to suspect, but then they reflect back on all the GOOD years they've had together and just struggle to accept that the person that shared all those wondeful memories and times together with them actually COULD now be doing something so horrible and painful to them, to the marriage they'd both worked together on for years?

 

I saw the evidence building up...even before SHE did. I did nothing. Not because I didn't love her...scoff if you like. I did nothing because I TRUSTED her, and because it was hard for me to believe my eyes. I waited until the evidence became insurmountable, unavoidable. Not that I didn't see it. Not that I ignored it. Not that I was somehow too stupid to 'get it'.

 

I gave her the chance to end things on her own...to see what she was doing. I dropped some subtle and even not-so-subtle hints and requests on her to change things...and was rebuffed, gaslighted, and ignored.

 

I hoped it hadn't gone as far as I feared.

 

Right up until the day I got irrefutable proof that it had indeed 'crossed that line'.

 

Then I took action.

 

Did I wait too long? Certainly.

 

Was I somehow a sad and pathetic little man for not immediately diving all over her the second I started to feel something was off?

 

Nope. Had I acted too soon, without 'proof'...it would have made things worse. Had I acted before it had grown to a point where it was undeniable...it would have been denied.

 

Don't assume that the BS is stupid, ignorant, or uncaring. I was none of these things.

[LilGirlandOW]

"Some marraiges arnt real relationships"

 

I agree with this whole heartedly, I always want to be in love with the partner I choose not roommates, I see 90yr olds, holding hands and sitting on a park bench, thats what i want when I'm old... not just living with someone i have history with... that to me is the nightmare.... guess for some it works.

 

Maybe thats the answer, cause the married man/woman and betrayed spouce arnt "in love" and doing these "in love" things they dont notice the hours he/she is gone alone or the long texting sessions he/she is up to while at home, cause they're not beside them cuddling on the couch watching TV or a movie, like lovers would. I have no doubt my MM isnt cuddling with her everynight after the kids go to bed till bedtime, EVERY night, hes sending me cute texts... I'm betting if they even hung out in the same room fear of discovery would prompt him to put the phone down... at least a night or two a week, but thats not our situation/

[NotInProvence]

I dunno...my ex and I were all over each other affectionate. We held hands everywhere we walked, snuggled on the couch every night watching a movie or game, talked virtually non-stop from waking up to falling asleep. He brought me flowers, called me from work every day just to say he missed me, doted on my daughter and even my pet. I cooked dinner which we ate as a family every night (even changing my diet to accommodate his health concerns), gave him back rubs and foot rubs, made him handmade socks because he swore they were the most comfortable socks he owned, always lavished him with compliments and praise, cleaned the house daily, made sure he had clean and pressed shirts for work, kept myself fit and pretty...and you know what happened?

 

He. Still. Cheated. Not only that, but his AP wasn't even "his type."

 

The simple truth is that sometimes, one woman isn't enough to feed a man's ego (or one man enough to feed a woman's). Cheaters are usually trying to hide from themselves IMO. The other person is willing, so they bury themselves in some forbidden fruit.

 

Now, I'm not saying every affair is like this, but it seems many of them in here are. Just a disclaimer.

 

LittleGirl, none of us can really know another person's mind, heart...or relationship.

[Quiet Storm]

I always want to be in love with the partner I choose not roommates, I see 90yr olds, holding hands and sitting on a park bench, thats what i want when I'm old

 

But you're making assumptions. You see a couple holding hands and assume they were always in love. It's more likely that they have fallen in and out of love many times over the course of their marriage. The times that they were out of love, it was duty and commitment that kept them together, until they fell in love again.

 

In reality, most 90 YO couples are not passionate lovers. Their bodies are failing. They are helping each other remember their medicine, walk up the stairs, shave, take showers, find their glasses. They've been through the romance & passion of the early years. They've experienced the joys & frustrations of child rearing. They've felt resentments & disappointments that eventually faded away. They forgiven the past hurts. It evolves into a caring, friendship & partnership. This is committed love.

 

Many MM feel a duty to their wives- they love her & plan to die by her side. This doesn't mean they didn't have an OW during some of the down times. And it certainly doesn't mean he won't hold his wife's hand in the park.

 

The whole point of sickness & health, death to us part, is to keep couples together even when they don't feel like it anymore. Not because society wants people to be miserable, but because it is understood that many times, the good times will come again. When there are outsiders involved, it messes up this natural ebb & flow.

 

The problem is that some marriages hit a down turn and a spouse thinks "I'm done, I'll never feel that way about them again, I'll be miserable forever if I stay". They divorce and move on to the next person, and that relationship hits a down time, and they find themselves in the same situation. Or they'll stay married, but find an OW during a down time, which causes confusion, conflict & divided loyalty. OW will eventually get fed up and move on, MM refocuses on the marriage, and if they can rebuild the trust, they'll be holding hands on a park bench again.

 

I think many people do not have a realistic vision of love over the long term.

[Journee]

Out of all the pages of responses from OW and BS's about what is really happening, you chose this one quote. SMH

 

There are some very good answers here that it seems you've just ignored.

 

 

Right.

 

LGOW,

 

One day I hope that you see that one cannot sex or cuddle a person enough to be faithful. Some people are just selfish at times and are/become cheaters. If this MM becomes your partner ,you may one day find that out. One can't be pretty enough ,"fit" enough ,funny enough to change a person's character. There will always be someone willing to have an affair out there. There will also always be someone younger and by someone's standards "prettier" than you. You will tie yourself in knots trying to keep a man with low character interested. If you are with this man for ten or twenty years after this ,there will be tons of younger and "prettier" women out there. You will not always have youth to fall back on.

 

The attitude here seems to be that a BS just isn't good enough. Just is this undeserving of love ,fat ,old cow. I see this a lot in posts and I really wonder what it is that even makes this thought not feel wicked to an AP? NO matter what I read here I will never feel that I am not good enough to deserve fidelity. That I somehow am a subhuman component to this dynamic.

 

M's can experience tremendous highs and lows as do individuals. Sustaining a long term relationship can be hard work , especially when the two people involved are dealing with their own growth or regression. It's easy to be on the outside and judge a person based off of one side of the story. To look at someone through a skewed set of peepers.

[georgia girl]

To answer the original question...

 

I don't think any BW would ever really "turn a blind eye." Instead, you have to really consider what marriage is like.

 

For my husband and I, we don't live in each other's pockets. We have demanding jobs - and sometimes one or the other works late. We have some separate friends because by the very nature of who we are, we have separate interests. I'm not a FB-er, he's not really either. When we both get home at night, one of us may go out for a run, another may make dinner or one go into the office and do some work for awhile. Each of us has a tremendous amount of "free time."

 

It's different than when we were dating (and we did not live together before marriage). Even when we were engaged and spending every weekend together, we look back and realize that we were just on really long dates. Our focus was totally on each other then. We didn't call family, leave and go do work, etc. (We actually used to run together - something we would both refuse to do now as we run at different paces.) Once we got married, we had to live and occupy the same space with each. That took us off dead center with each other. While we still have dates every weekend and once during the week where we totally focus on each other, it would be very, very difficult to sustain while living together. Thus, there are lots of down times during the evening. He could be in his office right now watching sex videos for all I know. (Okay, that's not true. I actually know he's researching barefoot running and I'm almost more embarrassed to say that that's what he's doing. )

 

Additionally, despite what MM claim to say, the BW's board talks frequently about that there was no change in sex life, "I love you's," etc., before DDay.

 

So, here's what I'm trying to say. Theoretically, my hubby could be cheating right now and I would not know about it. Now, I'm absolutely confident that he isn't and it has more to do with the person that he is and the very private nature of our commitment together. (We had both experienced some pretty significant hurts as children and we understand what our commitment means to the other partner.)

 

But, the point is: people who appear to have happy, healthy marriages even to the other spouse could have a cheating spouse. So, to assume that she turns a blind eye is almost equivalent to assuming that you as an other woman are some sort of a manipulative, man-chasing woman. Those characterizations are not fair on either side of the issue. It's just too easy to take the side of the equation that you see and calculate it and come up with the wrong answer.

 

Sorry, my very long two cents' worth... .