wanderluster Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 I found out today when a male friend of ours mentioned using prostitutes that my husband had been with one. He told me before we got married that he'd never been with one before, and we've always been graphically honest with each other about our past. It came as a shock to me, and has been on my mind all day, i haven't had the chance to talk to him yet. But now I just want to know all the details, When did this happen? We were married the whole time? Did he lie to me? Or to the friend? Im angry that he kept this from me for 3 years. Am I being irrational? Should I just brush it off? Or should I ask him about it? Link to post Share on other sites
sweetkiwi Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 If you want to know then ask. But obviously he's embarrassed or afraid of your reaction. If I were you I would try and be as calm as possible. Come from a place of understanding, not judgement. It seems like the lie is what hurt you, don't make it about the prostitute if it's not. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 He probably lied to you because he'd figure you would overreact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanderluster Posted June 14, 2013 Author Share Posted June 14, 2013 If you want to know then ask. But obviously he's embarrassed or afraid of your reaction. If I were you I would try and be as calm as possible. Come from a place of understanding, not judgement. It seems like the lie is what hurt you, don't make it about the prostitute if it's not. I didn't even think that the reason could be embarrassment..! I guess I don't think it's a shameful act, I'm just jealous at the thought of someone else pleasing him. I took your advice and he immediately apologized for lying about it and explained it was while we weren't married just before we got serious and i moved in with him, his friend bought him a Thai prostitute.. I feel like i was cheated on even though i guess its not cheating... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 I'm just jealous at the thought of someone else pleasing him. So was he your first? Link to post Share on other sites
The Shepherd Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 So was he your first? Even if he is not, it is okay to feel jealous. Is it not? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 If you were exclusively dating, and that is when he saw the prostitute, then he did cheat on you. And he also lied to you if you asked him about it before and he denied it. He has some pretty heavy groveling to do. You continued the relationship and even married him based on a false representation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Even if he is not, it is okay to feel jealous. Is it not? No, it makes no sense to be jealous of the thought of somebody pleasing your current partner before you met them. I have no idea how many guys my current girl has been with and it's none of my business how many or how good the sex was and stuff like that. All I can do is focus on now. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 I didn't even think that the reason could be embarrassment..! I guess I don't think it's a shameful act, I'm just jealous at the thought of someone else pleasing him. I took your advice and he immediately apologized for lying about it and explained it was while we weren't married just before we got serious and i moved in with him, his friend bought him a Thai prostitute.. I feel like i was cheated on even though i guess its not cheating... If you were sexually active with him at that time, wow, yeah, you have every reason to be as incensed or hurt as you may feel. If you were dating exclusively, with stated or implied intent of emotional/sexual fidelity, then my opinion would align with KathyM's, in that such activities were a betrayal of your trust and the mutual agreement. 'Before we got serious' can mean a lot of things. In any event, your feelings are valid. Where things go from here is up to you. This is now; today. You're married three years. I'd suggest deep-six'ing the 'friend'. He's not a supporter of your marriage, regardless of the veracity of his specific statements. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Shepherd Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 I wasn't talking about logic or reasoning. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 No, it makes no sense to be jealous of the thought of somebody pleasing your current partner before you met them. I have no idea how many guys my current girl has been with and it's none of my business how many or how good the sex was and stuff like that. All I can do is focus on now. THIS ^^^^ Are the most wise words of this thread... The past of a person belongs only to that person... You shouldn't be jealous of what other person did before meeting you... It is just ridiculous and unproductive as the things that have been done can't be undone anymore... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Shepherd Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 I am not good at explaining stuff, but let me try. I cannot help how I feel. I feel first and then reason with it next. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 I am not good at explaining stuff, but let me try. I cannot help how I feel. I feel first and then reason with it next. Perhaps you should make it your life objective to turn that in reverse. I have. At least as much as I can. That is what all my therapy and medication have told me insulates you from such shocks. I'm sorry you had to discover this. Even if it were in his past before he met you it does not flatter him . And committing to lying about it just adds vinegar to the piss. But how much it bothers you is still up to you. Ask for the absolute truth, get it (hopefully) and decide if t's forgivable. *hug* Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 How I see this can have 2 different ways to look at it... Was OP in a relationship with her husband when he went to a prostitute? Then is cheating and I would understand if OP would get mad at her husband... OP was not in a relationship with her actual husband when he went to that prostitute... she has no claim at all on what happened there, she could be disappointed because he lied to her... but honestly she asked for that lie when asking for something that wasn't really her business.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 How I see this can have 2 different ways to look at it... Was OP in a relationship with her husband when he went to a prostitute? Then is cheating and I would understand if OP would get mad at her husband... OP was not in a relationship with her actual husband when he went to that prostitute... she has no claim at all on what happened there, she could be disappointed because he lied to her... but honestly she asked for that lie when asking for something that wasn't really her business.... She was in a relationship with her husband before they were married. If it was an exclusive relationship where they both had agreed not to see others, then it WAS cheating. Cheating does not only entail having sex with someone who is not your spouse. It also entails having sex with someone else while in an agreed upon monogamous relationship. If they had agreed to be monogamous/exclusive at the time he saw the prostitute, then he certainly did cheat on her. And he certainly lied to her when he denied seeing prostitutes when she asked about this specifically. Why is it some people think it's none of a person's business who they are dating, what he did in his past, or what kind of person he is? Of course it's their business. People have a right to know who they are dating and what kind of person he is. And asking about sexual history/sexual habits/practices is important information to know, because if a guy/woman has a very promiscuous past, it not only could impact their sexual health, but it also indicates their values/morals/attitudes, and that is important information to know about who you are dating. If a person's past didn't matter to the partner, they wouldn't have asked. But it did matter to the OP, which is why she asked him that. And he should have been honest with her, rather than deceive her and allow her to make important life-changing decisions based on false information. People have a right to know who they are marrying, or who they are investing their time and emotions into, and what kind of person he is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 She was in a relationship with her husband before they were married. If it was an exclusive relationship where they both had agreed not to see others, then it WAS cheating. Cheating does not only entail having sex with someone who is not your spouse. It also entails having sex with someone else while in an agreed upon monogamous relationship. If they had agreed to be monogamous/exclusive at the time he saw the prostitute, then he certainly did cheat on her. And he certainly lied to her when he denied seeing prostitutes when she asked about this specifically. Why is it some people think it's none of a person's business who they are dating, what he did in his past, or what kind of person he is? Of course it's their business. People have a right to know who they are dating and what kind of person he is. And asking about sexual history/sexual habits/practices is important information to know, because if a guy/woman has a very promiscuous past, it not only could impact their sexual health, but it also indicates their values/morals/attitudes, and that is important information to know about who you are dating. If a person's past didn't matter to the partner, they wouldn't have asked. But it did matter to the OP, which is why she asked him that. And he should have been honest with her, rather than deceive her and allow her to make important life-changing decisions based on false information. People have a right to know who they are marrying, or who they are investing their time and emotions into, and what kind of person he is. a) Totally agree with you, if they were in a exclusive relationship when he visited the prostitute then it was cheating... I think it was exactly what I said.. b) Yes a person has the full right to know who is the person they are marrying that my dear lady is present, who they are today that has little to nothing to do with what they were in the past. I know women who were over promiscuous when they were in their 16-19 yo time and now at 28 they live their sexuality in a more conservative way... how representative of who this women are is to tell that they have slept with 50+ people? It isn't... The past of a person belongs only to that person. I am a very open person and I don't have problems sharing this kind of information....I actually would not want to be with a judgmental person who measure other people for the number of vagina/penis they have enjoyed in the past so I get a good chance to get rid of those ones when I tell them my past story. The past is something that can't be changed, every person has one and it is ridiculous and VERY unproductive to judge someone for something that has nothing to do with you... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 At this point, we have no idea if he had been with a prostitute before or during his relationship with wanderluster. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetkiwi Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 I personally used to be a jealous person. Somehow I grew out of it, *Thank God*. It actually turns me on to think of my man being sexually pleased by other people, men especially . I am so happy you took my advice OP. If you two were exclusive when he had sex with a prostitute then it is cheating. If not.......that's up to you how to handle it after the fact. Kudos for keeping your calm. Really. Anger consumes understanding. Everyone has a past, sexual and otherwise. (((hugs))) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 a) Totally agree with you, if they were in a exclusive relationship when he visited the prostitute then it was cheating... I think it was exactly what I said.. b) Yes a person has the full right to know who is the person they are marrying that my dear lady is present, who they are today that has little to nothing to do with what they were in the past. I know women who were over promiscuous when they were in their 16-19 yo time and now at 28 they live their sexuality in a more conservative way... how representative of who this women are is to tell that they have slept with 50+ people? It isn't... The past of a person belongs only to that person. I am a very open person and I don't have problems sharing this kind of information....I actually would not want to be with a judgmental person who measure other people for the number of vagina/penis they have enjoyed in the past so I get a good chance to get rid of those ones when I tell them my past story. Yeah, I'm sure your past would be a dealbreaker for most women. The past is something that can't be changed, every person has one and it is ridiculous and VERY unproductive to judge someone for something that has nothing to do with you... A person is a culmination of their past and their present. It is part of their identity. Their past reflects their values, attitudes, their thinking/mindset. You can't separate a person's past from who they are, because their past has shaped their present. That is not to say that a person can't change their values and beliefs, but their past is still with them, and shapes who they are in many ways. Personally, I would want to know the type of man I was about to commit my entire life to, or who I was willing to invest my time and emotions into. His past reflects his attitudes and beliefs, and shapes who he is. I would want to know. Can you imagine marrying a guy without knowing that he was a prostitute at one point, or that he had nailed every female in town. Those facts are going to continue to impact his life in some way. I wouldn't want to marry a stranger who lived a sordid past that I had no clue about. And I would certainly have a right to know who this person is that I am going to commit my life to. How could someone marry another without knowing their history? Their history impacts on who they are today. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Yeah, I'm sure your past would be a dealbreaker for most women. Thank you for your concern about my dating life but you are quite wrong... I have more women interested on me that I can handle (fully knowing my past) Not many women who get to know me give a $hit about what I have done in my sexual life before I met them and many of them find it very exotic and exciting... For those who decided rejecting me for my past... it is their loss A person is a culmination of their past and their present. It is part of their identity. Their past reflects their values, attitudes, their thinking/mindset. You can't separate a person's past from who they are, because their past has shaped their present. That is not to say that a person can't change their values and beliefs, but their past is still with them, and shapes who they are in many ways. Personally, I would want to know the type of man I was about to commit my entire life to, or who I was willing to invest my time and emotions into. His past reflects his attitudes and beliefs, and shapes who he is. I would want to know. Can you imagine marrying a guy without knowing that he was a prostitute at one point, or that he had nailed every female in town. Those facts are going to continue to impact his life in some way. I wouldn't want to marry a stranger who lived a sordid past that I had no clue about. And I would certainly have a right to know who this person is that I am going to commit my life to. How could someone marry another without knowing their history? Their history impacts on who they are today. I can't imagine marrying a guy who was a prostitute in the past because I am hetero... but I would not mind to marry a woman who was a prostitute or who has slept with every man in town... I am not insecure when it comes to sexuality, I don't feel threatened by someone with a strong sexuality and the only important things for me is her capacity for commitment and if she is healthy or not. You can scream, cry, do what you want but the past of a person is the solely property of that person and you may as as much questions as you want about it but people will get you the answers they want to give you. The only questions you have the full right to ask is about the present values and believes of one person... the past... is gone! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom888 Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 I found out today when a male friend of ours mentioned using prostitutes that my husband had been with one. He told me before we got married that he'd never been with one before, and we've always been graphically honest with each other about our past. It came as a shock to me, and has been on my mind all day, i haven't had the chance to talk to him yet. But now I just want to know all the details, When did this happen? We were married the whole time? Did he lie to me? Or to the friend? Im angry that he kept this from me for 3 years. Am I being irrational? Should I just brush it off? Or should I ask him about it? Seeing a prostitute is not CHEATING. It's therapy. I have many friends who visit prostitutes, and it really saved their marriage. The bad/no sex they were getting at home would have destroyed the marriage. Because the man was satisfied elsewhere, he was able to concentrate on a happy relationship with his wife. It was a win-win situation. Plus under normal circumstances, regular guys would never be able to have access to such beautiful women. This is good for a man's ego, thus great for his marriage. Women should embrace this fact. The only reason why I have never visited prostitutes was because I never use condoms, and I am afraid of diseases. Prostitutes are so strict about protection that it's really unsexy. IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Seeing a prostitute is not CHEATING. It's therapy. I have many friends who visit prostitutes, and it really saved their marriage. The bad/no sex they were getting at home would have destroyed the marriage. Because the man was satisfied elsewhere, he was able to concentrate on a happy relationship with his wife. It was a win-win situation. Plus under normal circumstances, regular guys would never be able to have access to such beautiful women. This is good for a man's ego, thus great for his marriage. Women should embrace this fact. The only reason why I have never visited prostitutes was because I never use condoms, and I am afraid of diseases. Prostitutes are so strict about protection that it's really unsexy. IMHO. ehh ... humm... really where is the wtf smilie when you need it... Prostites are strict about protection because they act as responsible mature people who protects their health and their customers health. I am not even going to enter to answer your comment about the therapy sex... I would like to know if you are going to tell your date about how you feel about prostitution... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 A person is a culmination of their past and their present. It is part of their identity. Their past reflects their values, attitudes, their thinking/mindset. You can't separate a person's past from who they are, because their past has shaped their present. That is not to say that a person can't change their values and beliefs, but their past is still with them, and shapes who they are in many ways. Personally, I would want to know the type of man I was about to commit my entire life to, or who I was willing to invest my time and emotions into. His past reflects his attitudes and beliefs, and shapes who he is. I would want to know. Can you imagine marrying a guy without knowing that he was a prostitute at one point, or that he had nailed every female in town. Those facts are going to continue to impact his life in some way. I wouldn't want to marry a stranger who lived a sordid past that I had no clue about. And I would certainly have a right to know who this person is that I am going to commit my life to. How could someone marry another without knowing their history? Their history impacts on who they are today. Your post is completely off. Lets pretend that 8 years ago I saw a different prostitute twice a month for a year straight. Then after that year I never had a prostitute again. Do you really think that what I did that year would have any affect on who I am today assuming I never caught any STD's and avoided Johnny Law. Link to post Share on other sites
Geiss Posted June 15, 2013 Share Posted June 15, 2013 Your post is completely off. Lets pretend that 8 years ago I saw a different prostitute twice a month for a year straight. Then after that year I never had a prostitute again. Do you really think that what I did that year would have any affect on who I am today assuming I never caught any STD's and avoided Johnny Law. Things that happen in the past definitely influence who you are presently. I say it will effect who you are today. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted June 15, 2013 Share Posted June 15, 2013 Things that happen in the past definitely influence who you are presently. I say it will effect who you are today. Agree .. That doesn't change the fact that you should judge a person for who he/she is today... How that person got there doesn't matter much and can't be changed 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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