Going Crazy in Silence..

[F.U.D]

I have been lurking on here a while and want to share my story to gain your insight and feedback. I feel I am going crazy at times...

 

I have been in a EA/PA for over a year now with a MOW. We have been very fortunate to be able to see each other about every other day, talk and text almost every day and have large chunks of time to develop a loving relationship. MOW has been suffering a couple years from her abusive H being addicted to alcohol and casual drug use, while my W has been checked out (me, kids, etc). I have tried to compensate, console, and do everything to repair my M (with no changes) prior to meeting my AP. MOW has been limited because of fear of abuse. We are truly supporting each other to progress in our D process. We compartmentalize very well, and have to, because we share many friends in the same circle. Our kids play together and really look forward to seeing each other when we hang out in a group setting. Because of the friend circle, I am fortunate to know the "full spectrum" with MOW from her perspective and his. MOW has been truthful.

 

The issue that I am having is based on her situation, which she is sharing with me daily/hourly. She fears her H because of his substance abuse etc, but feels she has to go along with his demands at the moment to keep the peace until she finishes lining up new place to live, etc. She is normally very strong to everyone else except him. I have to see her caving into things that tear her apart daily (and me) and hear how verbally abusive he is each night when they are home. He always puts on a show to everyone how great things are, but behind closed doors he is, from her description, horrible.

 

I have always been treated as a "friend" and he has even confided in me about her. Even though it is great to know that she is being truthful, he has been lying to me , according to her, about certain things recently. You can probably imagine what things a guy would vent to another...

 

Recently he had a meltdown where and he went crazy (text bombing, calling every second). The trigger was said to be because of me...I told him earlier I was going to be at a certain place but ended up at a mall due to weather???? Unbeknownst to me, MOW was at the same mall but this place was huge....I had no idea she was even there until after the fact. The whole time she was dealing with his meltdown, she was on the phone with H so I had no clue what was transpiring. She and kids were scared and stayed at a relatives house instead of going home. He was demanding kids to come home and was out all night trying to find where she was, supposedly to just pick up kids. She swears he would have killed her because of the shear anger he expressed and being drunk/high. Apparently, since he has not been a good dad he believes that I have caused people to question his abilities. I take time to play with them while I am playing with mine...treating all the same. They are so starved for attention they seem to want to be with me and my kids all the time, sometimes rejecting him in public.

 

So now he is making all the demands and verbally abusing her, plus now is using the kids as a punishment to hurt her. On one hand, I can understand why she is caving in to keep the peace until the right time, but on the other Im not sure why she is not just using her support network and getting the hell out. The bad part of A is that I hear allll this and there is not a damn thing I can do. Its eating away at my soul, but at the same time Im scratching my head saying why not leave. She has all the evidence to make a very compelling case as well as the right to file restraining order?

 

Any thoughts are appreciated.

[skywriter]

F.U.D,

 

My thoughts on your post are to remove yourself quietly, and leave this couple, to resolve their issues, amongst themselves.

 

There really isn't anything you can do anyway. The MW doesn't seem inclined to get herself and her children out of this enviroment for whatever reason.

 

You said it yourself, you have to hear it and there isn't a damn thing you can do. People want to help folks that are willing to help themselves.

[Realist3]

I think you should let her know you will help her in any way, but that you should stop the EA/PA for now, until she decides to leave.

[ScarlettKaren]

As a fMW who's marriage has some similar elements (other overlays, no drug or alcohol issues) let me add my two cents.

 

One of the "nifty" factors of emotional abuse is its incredible isolation. When it is occurring you are made to feel so completely alone and worthless. You are made to feel responsible for everything that your spouse is going through. They have managed to twist everything and paint you into an incredible corner. It can strip you of nearly all your self-worth.

 

I think your best option, for her safety (and yours) is to back away, tell her what you are doing and why and let her know that she has an incredibly safe and supportive environment if she needs it. Don't let her feel more isolated, but make sure you are both safe.

[F.U.D]

I appreciate your thoughts. This goes without saying, but it is sooooo hard cause I want to help anyone that I love and cherish. And I worry about her children most of all. No matter what life has dealt me with A, I always want to be there for them. I would be the same way with any enemy of mine.

 

MOW tells me and I really see her actions that she loves me. Our relationship has only grown over the past year and we striving to be that 1% that make it happen. Its funny that I have been able to overcome all the little pains, issues that A has brought, but this issue is double edge sword. Its easy for me to say, just leave or go file a restraining order, but the realities is that doing so could endanger her more. The other side, is trying to hold back my sadness while she caves to his demands at the moment to get everything ready. She says she is ready, but as time passes things become tolerable for her and its delay until the next blow out. Vicious cycles but I am dedicated to being by her side to ensure that she ends up happy. I guess it all relies on her to pull the proverbial trigger....

[F.U.D]

Anyone having an affair with someone who is an abusive relationship is playing with not just fire, but a nuclear bomb and it's further fueled by all of you being friends with each other. Situations like what you describe have a greater potential for someone being seriously hurt or maybe even dead.

 

My advice is stop the affair immediately before someone is hurt or killed and advise your mw to seek help with an abuse shelter. For you to continue the affair puts her and her children and yourself and your family in great danger and if you sincerely care about her, you will do the smartest thing for all of you.

 

Thank you for this....your words have opened my eyes to the other side of things. Logically, I should have understood this but my heart was in the way.

[waterwoman]

Hi F.U.D.

 

I want to reiterate the point that LG made, that a truly abusive man may pose a risk to your family too. You might not care what happens to your wife, but do you want your children exposed to him? The only reason I didn't contact the BH of the OW that my H had his EA with was because she had convinced H he was abusive. He was also well known as a violent man - having been convicted served a short sentence for an assault. No way was I potentially exposing myself and my children to that. H had taken the risk but we all might have taken the consequence.

 

Just be aware. If he is truly abusive, it isn't just yourself you are risking.

[F.U.D]

Damn, it is going to be soooo hard to see them together, him pretending and her pretending. He will do things to cause pain to show ownership and control...kissing, hugging etc. the pain is just unbearable to live through sometimes.

[Praying4Peace]

Leave them alone. Work on your D. She has to handle hers herself. She should go to IC for emotional support.

 

If you guys are ever going to be together, you have to do this. Otherwise things could get messy and violent.

 

You didn't mention moving forward with your D since you both want to be together...?

[F.U.D]

She constantly want me around or close by if something happens. At this time we happen to own condos in a vacation spot and wants me to swing by once in a while. I never ever like doing it cause I have to fake smile with him and primarily talk to him when I really want to hang with her. It kills me to do this, mainly cause I want to kick his anus every time I see him. But here I am, close by in case something flairs up. While I sit here, I get to see them at the pool and beach together pretending to be happy, with him making kissing attempts and trying to hold her. I tears me up sooooo bad. I know I should not be around to see it but my heart will not let me stop it. Is this like self mutilation??

[thecharade]

F.U.D.

 

You wrote "We are truly supporting each other to progress in our D process."

 

So then why are you not getting your D? Why are you just watching all of this? If you are not serious (through immediate action) about divorcing, then you are not only crushing your W and your OW, but you are endangering your OW's life.

Edited June 15, 2013 by thecharade

[F.U.D]

F.U.D.

 

You wrote "We are truly supporting each other to progress in our D process."

 

So then why are you not getting your D? Why are you just watching all of this? If you are not serious (through immediate action) about divorcing, then you are not only crushing your W and your OW, but you are endangering your OW's life.

 

I am working on my D. I have met with lawyer and have about a week left in preparing paperwork and agreements. But the issue is not my D here, it's her making it out in one piece. Do I stand back and let her deal with it or so I continue to stay close and try to be there for her and her safety??? How should I deal with him if I have to interact with him??

[spice4life]

I appreciate your thoughts. This goes without saying, but it is sooooo hard cause I want to help anyone that I love and cherish. And I worry about her children most of all. No matter what life has dealt me with A, I always want to be there for them. I would be the same way with any enemy of mine.

 

MOW tells me and I really see her actions that she loves me. Our relationship has only grown over the past year and we striving to be that 1% that make it happen. Its funny that I have been able to overcome all the little pains, issues that A has brought, but this issue is double edge sword. Its easy for me to say, just leave or go file a restraining order, but the realities is that doing so could endanger her more. The other side, is trying to hold back my sadness while she caves to his demands at the moment to get everything ready. She says she is ready, but as time passes things become tolerable for her and its delay until the next blow out. Vicious cycles but I am dedicated to being by her side to ensure that she ends up happy. I guess it all relies on her to pull the proverbial trigger....

 

The parts in bold are what must be done no ifs or buts period. Why would a restraining order put her in more danger? They are designed to protect not hurt. I've filed one in the past and it was the best thing I've ever done. It puts the abuser in their place and stops the nonense. I know someone who is being harrassed right now by an ex who has been out of her life for a looong time and she is realizes now that RO might be the only option she has to put a stop to the insanity.

[F.U.D]

Why would she ask me to contact people on her behalf and will not call or write them back? Why would she start doing everything he asks of her, only to exit the way she wants to exit?

[spice4life]

Why would she ask me to contact people on her behalf and will not call or write them back? Why would she start doing everything he asks of her, only to exit the way she wants to exit?

 

Not really sure what you mean here. Can you elaborate?

[F.U.D]

Not really sure what you mean here. Can you elaborate?

 

MOW requested that I go to people that she knows or relatives to tell them of H abuse and what she is caught up in. Contact was made and they tried to reach MOW but she will not contact them back (its been over two weeks). Makes me look foolish in a way to them. According the her, H has made demands for her to appear that she is happy in public. Things like being together more, doing things together more, putting her wedding ring back on, cater to his needs, etc. She is doing all that in order to keep the peace and to make separating easier and to try to have a civil relation between them for kids.

[findingnemo]

F.U.D, you seem like a really good hearted person. For the sake of your own family and sanity, step away from this woman and her abusive H. Explain to her that you have contacted the people she asked you to and tell her to find her way out asap. Then stay away from her.

[2sunny]

Get divorced.

 

Your W deserves better.

 

Let your OW deal with her own problems.

[Praying4Peace]

I am working on my D. I have met with lawyer and have about a week left in preparing paperwork and agreements. But the issue is not my D here, it's her making it out in one piece. Do I stand back and let her deal with it or so I continue to stay close and try to be there for her and her safety??? How should I deal with him if I have to interact with him??

 

Perhaps watching you get your D will give her the strength she needs to end her relationship as well. Right now, you are there for her but she knows you are really a part of someone else.