Hawaii27 Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Hi, I'm writing this because sometimes i feel like the odd one out. All my friends are starting to get married and have children and i still haven't had my first relationship. I think my friends and family pity me, and that's the last thing i want. I think early on it was mostly because i was shy and wasn't ready for a proper relationship, and tbh i was quite content that way.Then studying at uni and trying to find jobs took up my time, even though i still hoped i'd meet someone. And i have met people i've liked but it turned out they were all in relationships or if they were single, someone else got in there before me, even though i thought i was on the right path with them at the time Now I'm heading towards 30, have moved out of home and living alone, my status is at the forefront of my mind and is starting to affect my mood, even though i try to keep busy and push it away. Sometimes i think I'll never have kids and wonder how relationships seem to come so easily to other people. I never thought id be in this position and just assumed id go out with someone. I hate myself for being jealous of couples, and look, trying to figure out how they got together and what the magic formula is, then i try and pull myself together and think there are bigger things to worry about and other people have it a lot worse than i do. People tell me it will happen, and that comforts me to some degree but then sometimes i panic and wonder if another ten years slips by, my confidence will be so low, that i won't even want to try anymore because of my inexperience. Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 It will happen if you MAKE it happen. What are you doing to meet men? Are you truly making an effort to have a relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mahon451 Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 What are you doing to make yourself attractive to men? Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Relationships don't just fall out of the sky into anyone's lap. It just appears effortless for others because you don't know the details. Are you approachable? Are you placing yourself in places where you regularly come in contact with men in the right age range? You're not alone. Many people (men and women) "wake up" to find themselves exactly where you are. I'd suggest reading the following book: How to Get a Date Worth Keeping by Henry Cloud. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThomasD Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Sounds like you realize it's as much about BEING the "right person" as FINDING the "right person", but you're not real sure what a "right person" is. I'm a Shy Guy who met my wife (coming up on 39 years married) after college. (And 4 years in college without dates, girlfriend, etc.) We were introduced by a much older mutual friend who knew both of us well enough to see compatibility qualities beyond the superficial, and who knew that we were both a little frustrated with our singleness. Are there people in your life (mentors, aunts/uncles, favorite professors, clergy, coaches, etc) whom you can open up with about your desires? DO NOT hit them with "Can you help find a boyfriend for me?", but let them know this is something bothering you. Don't let the age thing be your main yardstick for gauging progress. I believe the U.S. median age for first marriage is now well into the upper 20's - maybe even 28 or 29. One of my kids married at 31 after meeting and starting to date at 28; another is quite unattached at 25. It's OK to have some friendly relationships (even call it "dating", or "boyfriend/girlfriend" if you wish) that are primarily for companionship, or even just "practice" for a serious relationship, as long as you both see it that way and agree. Don't compromise your standards, and don't give up! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 We were introduced by a much older mutual friend who knew both of us well enough to see compatibility qualities beyond the superficial, and who knew that we were both a little frustrated with our singleness. Are there people in your life (mentors, aunts/uncles, favorite professors, clergy, coaches, etc) whom you can open up with about your desires? DO NOT hit them with "Can you help find a boyfriend for me?", but let them know this is something bothering you. Fantastic advice in the entire post even though I'm only partially citing it for brevity. This is one of the many things discussed in the book. Letting people around you know that you are open to dating. Oftentimes we assume people are dating but private, or that they just aren't open to dating at the moment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hawaii27 Posted June 14, 2013 Author Share Posted June 14, 2013 You're right. I have to make something happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hawaii27 Posted June 14, 2013 Author Share Posted June 14, 2013 Thank you everyone for all your advice and thanks for being honest. it's made me realise that i have to stop being so passive about things and take some action, in my own way. Thanks especially to Thomas D. Wise words 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThomasD Posted June 15, 2013 Share Posted June 15, 2013 . . . Thanks especially to Thomas D. You are gracious to acknowledge the help. That's a trait worth keeping - it helps make you attractive. I won't be able to respond for a week or so but look forward to hearing your progress reports. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
daisybuchanan55 Posted June 15, 2013 Share Posted June 15, 2013 ThomasD made some great points. I also think you should be easier on yourself. In this age of "hook-up" culture, I actually know A LOT of people who have never been in a "real relationship" in their twenties. Don't feel so alone. Have you tried online dating? It's always good to put yourself in a venue where you can be sure everyone is single and also looking for genuine companionship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hawaii27 Posted June 18, 2013 Author Share Posted June 18, 2013 What are you doing to meet men? Are you truly making an effort to have a relationship? To be honest I'm not really making an effort to actively go out and find men but somehow it seems a bit too planned that way but maybe that's my problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hawaii27 Posted June 18, 2013 Author Share Posted June 18, 2013 ThomasD made some great points. I also think you should be easier on yourself. In this age of "hook-up" culture, I actually know A LOT of people who have never been in a "real relationship" in their twenties. Don't feel so alone. Thanks for this. Definitely made me feel better you saying that Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hawaii27 Posted June 18, 2013 Author Share Posted June 18, 2013 What are you doing to meet men? Are you truly making an effort to have a relationship? To be honest I'm not really making an effort to actively go out and find men but somehow it seems a bit too planned that way but maybe that's a lot of my problem. Link to post Share on other sites
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