OM/OW victims??

[Joyce]

I read a post earlier today that made me angry.

 

Tell me why the OM/OW always gets away with what they have done? Maybe not all do but in my case the OM did. I have read posts where they are playing the victim. It drives me crazy.

 

I know I am to blame for my affair. I won't forget what I did. I will always strive to be a better person and learn from my mistakes.

 

I know I made the Marriage vows and I am the main person to blame but the OM knew I was married... he knew I had a family... he pretended to be my H friend just to be close to me.

 

I am the one that told the truth to my H. I wanted to come out in the open and face my mistakes. Where was the OM when I told my H? With another women. He could have cared less. It does not make sense that he can just go with his life like nothing happened. He doesn't feel guilt. He doesn't have to face his lies. He doesn't get hit or abused by anyone. It makes me angry.

 

I am not trying to be a victim I just don't think the OM or OW should always get away with what they have done. The OM/OW always seems play the victim and if they knew the other person is married they are guilty in their own way too.

 

Am I wrong? Am I looking at this all wrong?

 

I love LS. I love hearing different opinions. Thank you to all of you who have responded and offered your stories and advice.

[Well....]

Your the one who took the vows, not him.

 

Misery loves company, huh?

[Think too much]

Joyce,

 

I think both parties are guilty in their own ways. I have read some situations where the OM/OW was lied to and betrayed. Everyone has a reason for feeling the way they feel. It might not be right but you can't changed the way people feel. You can't change people's actions but you can control you. What really matters is how you learn from your mistakes. Don't dwell on the fact that other people have not learned their lesson.

 

In your case it sounds like you are being the bigger person. You are learning and trying to improve yourself. Your OM can not go on forever without feeling guilty. It will catch up with him in one way or another. I believe in Karma.

 

As far as abuse you didn't deserve to be hit. No matter what you did.

[Barby]

I have to say in some cases I agree...to the ones who KNOW from the get go that the man is involved or married, IMHO they are NOT victims when the affair ends...but anyway I won't go into this...just know Joyce I feel ya!

[Jayman]

Joyce , Good for you fessing up . It took my girlfriend a phone call from some one she worked with to fess up . Yes both parties are guilty . In my case I can't hold the kid my girlfriend was cheeting with . And still is sneeking around talking to . As being as guilty as her he is 17 and yes he knows better but shes 29 . But I have a plan now stay as long as I can for the cheep rent untill I get some one new . And move out one day when she's at work . I hope around christmas . It would be a nice christmas gift for her ." A HELL OF A SHOCK " And a list of lines she's said from my chat nanny . To show that I'v been way ahead of her on her sneekyness .

[Joyce]

Jayman- wow she is robbing the cradle. I wish you the best of luck.

[StillHurtin]

I feel both parties are to blame. But in my case, I blame the OW for sleeping w/ my H. Ok, I blame H too, but mostly the OW. She knew he was married, she knew we had children, but she didn't care. She was after my H since the second she laid eyes on him at work. How do I know? B/c H told me after he broke it off. How do I know he isn't lying? B/c I seen how she acted towards H when they first started working 2gether. She was always flirting w/ him, and right in front of me. The first night I met the OW was at a Christmas employee party a month after H started working there. Our children were at the sitter's and I was getting extremely tired so instead of H coming home early I told him he could stay and enjoy time w/ his co-workers. When he got home he told me the OW approached him and said "MMMMM, you smell good!" and bit him on the neck. I was FURIOUS! At least he told me the truth but I was still upset w/ her. Years went past and several times she asked me to do back up daycare for her child. I told her I do not do backup care. She continued to ask me to watch her child throughout the years I ran my daycare. When I went to go into work to see H she was right there, chasing after me to talk to me. She even had the nerve to come up from behind me and put her arm around my neck and said "HEY!" I walked away and went into H's office. She followed me. Again, asking me to do back up care. About two years later my H said he wanted out of the M b/c he wasn't making me happy and blah, blah, blah. A week after I kicked him out of our home he filed for a D. I also heard from friends that he was having an A w/ this OW. I tried hard to deny it to myself b/c I have always trusted him. He has never given me any reason not to. I called the OW and asked her what was going on between her and my H. Of course she denied it, laughed and asked why the rumors couldn't be about some other gal H worked w/. The A ended up being the truth. After I moved away he called me and admitted everything. Said he wanted me and the kids back. He said he didn't realize how much he loved and missed us and wanted hard to work it out. We both went to counseling. I told him the only way I would give him a second chance is if he went to counseling and he did. H isn't the type of person to go get help and tell his problems to a stranger, but he did it so I gave it another try. About a year after being back 2gether I asked him if he ever slept w/ the OW b4 he filed for a D or b4 he was even thinking about getting a D. He said no, but one night after work the OW asked him if they could talk. So she got into his truck and told him that she was attracted to him and leaned over and kissed him!!!! I was so hurt when he told me this. All along I was home raising our children and some tramp is kissing my H!!! He said he did push her away and said it wasn't a good idea. H and I didn't have the best of M in the first place, but I loved him and was hoping things would improve (I made him quit drinking and I told him me and the kids or the drinking, he chose us). Things did improve A LOT after he quit drinking. Sometimes I wonder if he felt resentful towards me for me for making him quit. Anyhow, this OW flirted w/ him all the time, paid attention to him, made him feel wanted. Things that I slowly stopped doing b/c of the drinking.

He told me that the reason why she kept asking me to watch her child was to be closer to him b/c they both went to work at the same time and got off so she would see him b4 and after work when she came to p/u her child.

I can forgive H for the A b/c I love him and we share two children 2gether. I couldn't just let the M go if I knew that things could change for the better. One of these days maybe I can forgive the OW but right now, I can't. She knew he was married w/ children but she went after him anyhow. When H actually slept w/ her for the first time we were in the middle of a D so he was starting his life over and he chose her. I asked him if she was the reason why he left me and the kids and he said she was a small part, but mostly b/c I wasn't happy.

What ticks me off the most about the OW is that she tried to be my friends for many years. When I called her and asked her if the rumors were true about the A she denied it. She said she would talk to H and try to make him realize how much I loved him and wanted the M to work. WHAT A CROCK!!! She just wanted to try to act like my friend and make me think there was nothing going on and all along she was just waiting for the perfect time to open her skanky, trampy legs for him.

[Grinning Maniac]

Oh come on now...Let's bring some logic into it.

 

Why would you expect the OM to feel guilty? If he's banging a married woman, chances are he's probably not too nice/compassionate of a guy to begin with. You just made the mistake of believing that he was. He never cared about your marriage or your family. If he did, he probably wouldnt've been trying to bang you, now would he, dear? If you were willing to succumb to his advances, so be it. You were the one with something to lose, not him. You paid your money, and you took your chances. So, now the game is over. You lost. The house won. All he lost was you, and he probably didn't see that as much of a loss at all, considering that he got someone else rather quickly, by your own admission.

 

You're expecting sympathy or remorse from this guy? I wouldn't hold my breath...

[Joyce]

Grinning maniac,

 

You sure do have an interesting opinion. So far you think my H abuse is legit because I had an affair. So do you think the OM is justified/innocent in what he did? If that is your opinion I will respect that.

 

I do not expect the OM to feel guilty. I do not want remorse or sympathy. I know he is not who he portrayed himself to be. I blame myself for being naive.

 

However, he is not innocent. He does not have to face up to all of his lies. In fact no one else knows. His family does not know.. his girlfriend has no clue. The poor thing is barley 20. She has no idea what she is getting into. I don't think that's right.

 

How is it that I wake up everyday not wanting to live and he is going on with his life like he did nothing wrong? I guess more than anything I wish that he would realize what he did was wrong. Maybe he does know it's wrong but he doesn't care. I don't know... I don't know who he really is. I don't know what was real and what wasn't. All I really know is I don't want him to do this to anyone else.

 

It's probably not my place to worry about that but I do.

[Grinning Maniac]

Originally posted by Joyce

Grinning maniac,

 

You sure do have an interesting opinion. So far you think my H abuse is legit because I had an affair. So do you think the OM is justified/innocent in what he did? If that is your opinion I will respect that.

 

I do not expect the OM to feel guilty. I do not want remorse or sympathy. I know he is not who he portrayed himself to be. I blame myself for being naive.

 

However, he is not innocent. He does not have to face up to all of his lies. In fact no one else knows. His family does not know.. his girlfriend has no clue. The poor thing is barley 20. She has no idea what she is getting into. I don't think that's right.

 

How is it that I wake up everyday not wanting to live and he is going on with his life like he did nothing wrong? I guess more than anything I wish that he would realize what he did was wrong. Maybe he does know it's wrong but he doesn't care. I don't know... I don't know who he really is. I don't know what was real and what wasn't. All I really know is I don't want him to do this to anyone else.

 

It's probably not my place to worry about that but I do.

 

You've clearly missed the point entirely.

 

First off, your husband gave you a one-off pimpslap out of frustration after you cheated on him. Has he done it again? Did he do it before that time? From what I've read, the answer's "no". So I wouldn't be so quick to pick up the party line and call him "abusive"...

 

Secondly, if you think I'm saying that the OM is innocent, you must not be very familar with my posts here. I hate infidelity, from ANYONE. I simply said that there is no way that he will ever feel bad about any of this because he doesn't give a damn. As I said, he doesn't care about your family or your husband. Somehow I'm doubting his family means that much to him either if he's been banging at least two other women on the side.

 

The reason he is able to just go about his day is because he is an a**h***. I'd think that would have been obvious by now. There's no deep reason to it. He probably just doesn't care.

 

Also, if you're so pissed off about him "getting away" with this, and don't want him to do it to anyone else... why don't you just tell his family? Seems pretty simple to me. Your husband already knows, so what do you have to lose from it? You'd rather let several other people continue to be used/betrayed by this douchebag? He'll probably do this to people all of his life, but at least you will have tried to do something to stop it.

 

Just a thought.

[2ndConfusedfemale]

No offense to all in what I'm about to say, but this is my .02.

 

I think that the ONLY time the O/W or O/M are "victims" is when the MM/W lie to them about their status. Once the "other person" finds out, and make their choice to stay whatever happens to them is a result of their own choice.

 

I don't think that those who get involved voluntarily are as sympathetic, and I also do not think that they should feel "that" guilty over what they are doing. Sure, they should have a conscience about hurting innocent people, but if the person who MADE the commitment doesn't care, then goodluck on making the other person care. Unless the other woman/man is a friend or someone the wife/husband trusts, they do not necessarily owe the victim anything.

 

And I don't think that it does the person who is being cheated on any justice worrying about the third person (unless you know them, met them, or had some kind of relationship with them). The third person is not the problem, YOUR partner is. And it wasn't the person they are cheating with (that you are focusing WAY too much attention on anyway), it'll simply be another 3rd person (unless it's someone they have falling in love with etc., but if it's for sex, then chances are it'll just be another person).

 

Oh, and don't really worry about the O/W who do get involved because in the end they get theirs too, they wonder will (s)he ever leave, and if (s)he leaves will they cheat again, etc. so the O/W do not get the fairytale (at least not immediately, and they go through a great deal of suffering too.)

[Joyce]

First off, your husband gave you a one-off pimpslap out of frustration after you cheated on him. Has he done it again? Did he do it before that time? From what I've read, the answer's "no". So I wouldn't be so quick to pick up the party line and call him "abusive"

 

No he never did it before and hasn't done it again. It did cause a black eye. Maybe I deserved it and maybe I didn't but it is considered physical abuse.

 

Thank you for the thought grinning maniac. My H asked me to not tell anyone about this and it probably is best this way. The OM is seeing a single women now and I should not worry about his actions because it's no longer my place to do so. I will deal with the choices I have made and that's all I really need to worry about. After my H hit me I was angry and directing it towards the wrong person. I was wrong in posting this.

[Adunaphel]

quote]Tell me why the OM/OW always gets away with what they have done?

 

Not always.

Many of them feel miserable and heartbroken after the affair is ended.

Which is not really getting away with it.

 

I think that the ONLY time the O/W or O/M are "victims" is when the MM/W lie to them about their status.

 

I agree 100%.

If they knew the other person was married before the affair started, as miserable as they might be, very few people will regard them as victims or feel much sympathy for them.

After all, they had it coming.

[izzybelle]

speaking as an OW....i take my blame for my part in my relationship. i give some blame to my exMM for his part and for lying to both me and his wife. and yes, in my case (and i'm NOT saying this is for every case) i place some blame on his wife. and yes, i know that i only know his side of the story but if even half of it is true she had a part in making him feel that his marriage was a failure. you can only tell someone "i hate the sight of you" and "i'm leaving you" and "the marriage is over" so many times before they really do start believing you. should we have waited until the marriage really was over and done. yes, but i can't turn back time. trust me, if i could, i probably wouldn't have even had a reason to seek out a place like this where people in pain can turn for comfort and support in putting their lives back together.

 

do i feel like a victim? sure sometimes. maybe it helps with the pain, maybe it helps me to justify my actions to myself, maybe i'm just feeling sorry for myself. but the bottom line is that i am entitled to feel however i feel about it. i don't know that i've ever asked anyone for sympathy about what i'm going through. i've asked for support and i've asked for understanding and i've asked for advice. yes, others in my position have said they were sorry for what i'm going through and i feel badly for them as well. so what's the harm? like i said, i admit and accept my responsibility and blame in the whole mess, if i need to feel sorry for myself sometimes then so be it. i know i did this to myself, i could have said no but i didn't and for a brief moment in time i felt more love than i've ever felt before. does that make me a bad person? in some of your eyes i'm sure it does.

[immoralist]

Relationships are funny things. People who lose out in love--even in an affair--can feel "cheated" or victimized. Love's loss, even that of an outlaw love, can cause the spurned lover heartbreak, sadness and misery. Some, after an intense long term affair, suffer from what I can only describe as "Post Traumatic Affair Syndrome."

 

PTAS makes subsequent relationships, which appear in drab black and white after the affair's amazing technicolor , boring or slight. It's like returning to Kansas after spending a great time in Oz. Sometimes extreme pleasure is its own reward, and punishment.

 

The break-up of an affair is like the break-up of any relationship only there's much less public sympathy. Perhaps that's the way it should be.

[izzybelle]

immoralist, well put and your description of PTAS is on target. and there is no public sympathy not like there is for a divorce and there shouldn't be. but that is why many of us come here for support.

[guest]

Two points: One: If your husband hits you for any reason this is cowardly and it is abuse. I would leave if I were you. Two: This particular om is obviously not going to feel any guilt or suffer for his part in the relationship. There are prolly some out there who would though. Placing blame is human nature, but it can sometimes be a useless exercise.

[Joyce]

I am not placing blame. I think more than anything when I posted this I was jealous. Now that I have taken time to think about it I have nothing to be jealous over. I am the one that chose to tell my H about the affair and face my lies. I would have been an emotional wreck for the rest of my life if I kept this a secret. The OM is ok with living with his lies. He probably found a way to justify it all but that's ok because that's who he is. It's not who I am. I don't care how he lives his life or what he feels anymore. I am a good person and I am choosing to learn and grow from my mistakes.

 

My H has not hit me again and we are closer than we ever have been.

 

Thank you for all of your advice and taking the time to read my posts.

[Mr Spock]

When my MM broke it off with me due to extreme feelings of guilt (or so he said) I understood that I was not the traditional "victim" per say-I knew he was married, and there were no great professions of love. I wasn't swayed by him telling me about his sh^t home life, he didn't, and I wouldn't have let him use me as free therapy anyways.

 

However, I still managed to really fall for this turd. It was a turd with a very magnetic personality. So, when the inevitable happened, I told my friends (and myself) the only way I could get over it was to play the victim. And in a way I was, a victim of someone elses's selfish desires.....I actually thought (or hoped) I had a chance at a valid relationship.

 

 

DUH.

[Owl]

Mr Spock- I don't mean to sound judgemental, so please don't take it that way. I'm not sure how you could have expected a valid relationship that started with him being dishonest with his current spouse? I've not been on your side of things, but its tough for me to understand how someone could have truly expected a relationship that started in that manner to have any long term potential.

 

Joyce-When my wife started her emotional A with her OM, she quickly became enamored with running away to be with him. Their "song" was Runaway, by The Corrs. One of the things I struggled with is how she felt that she could run to be with him, and that eventually the three of us would end up being good friends. She felt that their relationship was "meant to be".

 

I never could see what the OM was thinking. He knew she was married from the day he met her online, and admitted to her that he had been attracted to her from the start. He met me online as well, and we had done some online gaming together, and was supposedly my friend. Knowing we were married, knowing me somewhat as well, but still pursuing my wife to the point where she was willing to leave me and fly to be with someone she'd never even met face to face. I can't imagine him as a victim. Oh, I'm sure he was hoping to have a long term relationship with her, but how could he have expected that to really work out?? Their entire relationship was build on a foundation of lies and deceit. While I'm sure he ended up hurt out of the deal, I can't find myself feeling the least bit sorry for him. He had it coming. He knew what he was doing, and it didn't work out the way that he had planned. Play with fire, and you will get burned. I don't see anyone as a victim in my situation but me. And even I can't cry too hard...while I didn't do anything to deserve the pain and anguish I've gone through ( I think I'm a DAMN good husband, thank you), I know that I made mistakes in our relationship that helped this to happen.

[Joyce]

My thought on victims and OM/OW has completely changed since I posted the original post. I think anytime a relationship ends with a person you really love you can't help but feel like a victim. You loved them more than anything and they didn't love you enough to be with you and stick by you through the hard times. Anytime an affair is involved people are doing wrong but that doesn't mean you don't have a right to be sad or feel hurt just because you have made wrong choices. You are a person with feelings.

 

I have done a lot of soul searching and realizing that I can not control who wants to be part of my life and who doesn't. The people that don't want to be a part of my life are missing out. The people that love me no matter what are the ones that really matter.

[Joyce]

Dear Owl,

 

I am sorry your wife had an affair on you. You and my H must feel the same way. The OM pretended to be my H friend. You will never understand the bond you build with someone that you have an affair with. It's not right but it brings you closer to another person when you are lying and sneaking around with them. In a sick and disturbing way it forms a bond with them. I felt as though my relationship with the OM was meant to be too. Who would risk loosing their family and home for something that you didn't think would last forever? I have learned the hard way that lying and sneaking gets you nowhere in life. I never meant to hurt anyone and I don't think anyone that has an affair really means to. They are being selfish and they are caught up in the excitement of a new relationship. You loose touch of reality. You loose who you really are. How could someone lie so much and still know who they are?

 

It sounds like you and your wife are working things out. Hopefully your wife has learned from her mistakes and realized what a great H you are. I wish you the best of luck.

[StillHurtin]

The only way I can see the OW/OM as a victim is they didn't know the person was married until it was too late. If the OW/OM knows the other person is married and still chooses to sleep w/ them then I don't see them as a victim. I am not going to say ALL the OW/OM that visit this forum are not victims b/c I don't know all situations, but I do know the situations I was in. The only person that was the victim in my dh's affair was me and my children. The OW was not the victim at all. I don't know if he broke her hearts into a million pieces and hurt her when he dumped her BUT I hope she was hurt and laid in bed crying every night missing him, wishing he wouldn't of broke up w/ her. I hope she walked around all day not being able to hardly function b/c she would break down crying. But ya know what, even though I hope that I know she never went through all that. She has no morals. She didn't care she hurt me or my children. She didn't care she slept w/ a MM. She fell in love w/ my dh but when she found herself alone she went right into another man's bed. Poor guy was probably a rebound for her. She has been married three times. Her last marriage she had (when she had an A w/ my H) wasn't even a year old. They were married 8 months and filed for a D a week after my dh filed from me. She doesn't care who she hurts, she doesn't care if a man is married, if she wants him, she goes after him. How do I know this? B/c she told me. So, I don't see the OW a victim at all.

[izzybelle]

still, i'm sorry your H hurt you so much. yes, i was an OW and yes, my heart was broken into a million pieces, and yes, i walked around for days not being able to function. did i honestly believe that my MM's marriage was over, yes. wouldn't have gone there otherwise, and it didn't take me long to fall hopelessly in love with him and to be foolish enough to believe everything he told me. was i wrong, obviously. have i felt like a victim, yes because i was lied to. no, it wasn't my marriage vows that were broken but for what it's worth he's broken my ability to trust as well. and i know to you that doesn't matter, and i don't expect it to. those are my feelings to deal with. was i wrong to become involved, yes, but like many others i was led (willingly) down a rosey path of half truths and lies, sweet talk and promises.

 

i know you said previously that you do blame your H. if it makes it easier for you to deal with this by placing more of the blame on the OW then do what you need to do. just remember years from now it's your H you will need to be able to trust.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by Owl

Mr Spock- I don't mean to sound judgemental, so please don't take it that way. I'm not sure how you could have expected a valid relationship that started with him being dishonest with his current spouse? I've not been on your side of things, but its tough for me to understand how someone could have truly expected a relationship that started in that manner to have any long term potential.

 

Joyce-When my wife started her emotional A with her OM, she quickly became enamored with running away to be with him. Their "song" was Runaway, by The Corrs. One of the things I struggled with is how she felt that she could run to be with him, and that eventually the three of us would end up being good friends. She felt that their relationship was "meant to be".

 

I never could see what the OM was thinking. He knew she was married from the day he met her online, and admitted to her that he had been attracted to her from the start. He met me online as well, and we had done some online gaming together, and was supposedly my friend. Knowing we were married, knowing me somewhat as well, but still pursuing my wife to the point where she was willing to leave me and fly to be with someone she'd never even met face to face. I can't imagine him as a victim. Oh, I'm sure he was hoping to have a long term relationship with her, but how could he have expected that to really work out?? Their entire relationship was build on a foundation of lies and deceit. While I'm sure he ended up hurt out of the deal, I can't find myself feeling the least bit sorry for him. He had it coming. He knew what he was doing, and it didn't work out the way that he had planned. Play with fire, and you will get burned. I don't see anyone as a victim in my situation but me. And even I can't cry too hard...while I didn't do anything to deserve the pain and anguish I've gone through ( I think I'm a DAMN good husband, thank you), I know that I made mistakes in our relationship that helped this to happen.

 

I'm not taking anything you've said judgementally-the above post is the first one I've read of yours. I'm quite aware of your point-MY point, however, is that to heal the broken bits I had to play the victim, in my own mind.