immoralist Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 One thing I've learned is that there are as many different kinds of affairs as there are erotic relationships. As some people can be selfish, insensitive jerks in non-affair relationships, other people, in long term love affairs, can be , with their lovers, warm, loving and giving. Nice people cheat, sometimes. And mean people can be monogamous. In short, good people, in matters of the heart, can do hurtful things for a time. Things they later regret--especially if their spouse discovers their cheating and/or the love affair begins to slowly, painfully wind down. Some would gloat and say that the straying spouse gets his or her comeuppance when the affair and marriage both implode, and the cheating spouse is no longer anyone's spouse or lover. The loneliness and dislocation are viscerally felt in the loss of both roles. The goal, then, is to heal--first oneself and, if there's anything left to save after all the dust clears, one's marriage.And to do that, a little self-pity, at the outset, is not such a bad thing.And it's mostly going to be SELF-pity; others aren't going to jump on the sympathy wagon. That's life in the big city. (LoveShack provides support for affair-broken hearts--both for the cheated and the cheaters.) That which makes true love affairs so damn pleasurable at their peak also makes these same affairs so damn agonizing at the end: the isolation, self-absorption and the "fading in" to one's lover. At the end, the bill must be paid. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 immoralist has the best grasp (plus a way with words) on what the cheater feels....of course no one cares (should they care?) or has sympathy (should they?) but those of us that have cheated understand. Now I'm NOT recommending an affair if you are cheated on but this is an example of what it's like when you actually go from wearing one shoe to having the other shoe...I was able to understand my husband's affair and inability to let go when I had to let go of my own affair. One thing I've learned that a "love addiction" (not being in love just having an addiction to the "love" that comes in an affair) has got to be as hard to kick as a heroin addiction. Because nothing in marriage or a committed relationship can compare to that rush you feel when you are in an affair!! I'm not saying that marriage and a committed relationship can't be exciting, but the rush you feel in an affair is just like drugs...some feel good to use but that doesn't mean they won't hurt you and cause you horrible problems in the long run (so hence "the rush" isn't worth it!)...... Joyce, I understand as a woman, you'd like to feel that the time and risk you invested in this man was cherished and appreciated. I know it hurts to see that he just went on with his life. It would have felt better if he’d grieved your loss, missed you and couldn’t stand the thought of living without you. It’s just human nature to want to feel like you are cherished even in a very wrong relationship. I was fortunate (?? for lack of better words), the man I cheated with was as addicted and reluctant to end things. He felt guilt and sorrow at the pain we'd caused both our spouses and children but he was just as addicted. Our big thing was phone calls, since I'm at home and he ran his own business, we were flexible to talk. We were friends before the emotions ever started so we had alot in common and alot to talk about. It has been hard to let go of talking, because as I would a female friend, I miss just talking, laughing and the companionship he gave me. I wish we'd kept things just platonic because he was a very good person and good friend. I must add, I truly have the talking, companionship and laughter with my husband. We both just haven’t appreciated it till now! I can't imagine how hurt I'd been if he'd gone straight to someone else (he's working things out with his wife which was what was best) it would have made me feel like the relationship was even cheaper than it was. It may have helped me get over the addiction easier if I were mad at him but I'm just not mad or hurt. Plus another thing, you can’t show your grief about the affair being over, especially if you are working it out with your spouse. I needed to think about his and my daughter’s feelings over mine so I cry/cried quietly and tried to put on a happy persona for everyone. Even though my Mama knew about it (I told her) I acted as if it were no big deal to get over this. I felt like it made me less a cheater if I appeared nonchalant. However, getting over the addiction to this person was the hardest thing I can truly say I’ve ever taken on in my life. As much as I love my husband and daughter and don’t feel I was truly in love with the OM, it was just that need to talk to him and hear from him that was so hard to live without. I feel/felt so guilty feeling that way but having read things on here and talking to immoralist, I realized it’s a normal emotion when ending an affair. It’s not pretty nor does it endear the cheater to people but that pain is a WHOPPER to deal with! I look at my husband's ex and see that she was left without him, her husband and a very big income. Although at the time, I was like anyone else...GOOD she deserves it, I see now that it has to be very hard for her. My husband pined for this woman from the time he was 15 till he was 34....I can't imagine how truly hard it was for him to deal with having her out of his life even if they were "tired" of each other.... Cheater's don't deserve sympathy but in a way, they get mine because hurt is hurt no matter why or what AND the biggest hurt for most of us is that we let ourselves do this to our families and ourselves and we have to live with that the rest of our lives!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joyce Posted October 21, 2004 Author Share Posted October 21, 2004 Dear VivianLee, You have no idea how good it feels to hear from someone that knows exactly how I feel. I also spent a lot of time talking on the phone & emailing the OM. He was a very good friend of mine before the affair. When it ended I lost my best friend and companion. Most people don't understand the emotions that are involved in affairs. When affairs end you loose your friend, lover and someone that you took a lot of risks for. I have so many mixed emotions. Some are how the other man left me feeling feeling hurt, used, lonely and worthless. Then I have emotions from how I treated my H guilty & selfish. I hate myself and who I have become. I know I deserve to feel this way. I can't even imagine the pain that my H has gone through because of my actions and choices. I don't deserve or expect sympathy but people need to understand that we are human and even though it is deserved we are deeply hurting. Going through all this has made my marriage stronger. Honestly when I told my H about the affair I expected him to want a divorce. I was prepared to pack up and leave. I had no idea that he would still want to be with me. I have a new appreciation and respect for my H. I depend on him so much more now then I did before. He has no idea how good it feels to have him still love me and tell me I am a beautiful and good person. He has replaced the OM in my heart. He has become my companion and friend. We have both learned a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
immoralist Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 Joyce, you are very fortunate to have such a postive post-affair outcome. Your husband is a gem. What happens often is that the cheating spouse loses his/her best friend and lover and, because of radioactive memories of the affair, he/she also loses the spouse as a friend and lover. Affairs contaminate down to the deepest levels of intimacy. Even if the betrayed spouse is ready to forgive, if not forget, the cheating spouse often has a difficult time restoring, or even caring to restore, the marriage to pre-affair intimacy levels . You're one of the fortunate ones. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joyce Posted October 21, 2004 Author Share Posted October 21, 2004 Thank you immoralist. I do feel like I am lucky. My H still holds a lot of anger but that is understandable. We still have a lot of work to do. My H knows I am my worst critic. He has not been too harsh or judgmental. He is still in love with me and that is the key to holding us together. He has forgiven but I don't think he will ever forget. He told me I am a good person with a good heart and good people make mistakes. He tells me every day how happy he is that I am back (I withdrew from him physically and emotionally in the duration of the affair). He is happy to see a smile on my face again and that I have stopped drinking. He is a very positive person. He has taught me that we can learn and grow from this. He definitely is a stronger person than I could ever hope to be. I am a very weak and needy person with a low self esteem. It's sad that I have done this to him and he is the one that is trying to hold me together. Link to post Share on other sites
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