SadAndLonely Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Well, rather, he has said that he wants to be my boyfriend again, but right now we're taking things slow, only seeing each other once or twice a week (one of those times during a game that we play with others that neither of would have given up), working on our OWN problems, and focusing on ourselves. I can't guarantee success, but this is what I needed to do in order for it to happen: 1. Go through the pain. It sucks, but true growth comes from pain, a lot of introspection, and the willingness to change. How does that saying go? Something like "until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, change will not occur," and I knew I needed to change a LOT about my attitude. More of that in the next few steps. 2. I needed to back off, NOT CALL HIM, and leave him the hell alone. How can he miss me if I'm constantly in contact with him? How can we have time to focus on ourselves and breathe if we never leave each other alone? Me not contacting him made him contact me, and then I was usually the one to end the conversations first, because I had other things I needed to focus on. 3. When we did decide to try again, we didn't rush back into seeing each other all the time. Like I said, we see each other once or twice a week. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, in this case. It also leaves us both time to work on our own issues and learn to be happy in our lives apart from each other. That was especially important for me, because when he broke up with me, I was devastated, and while I have other things in my life (school, work, friends) I wasn't deriving any pleasure from them. 4. We're not assuming it's going to work out. We're taking things slow and enjoying each other. 5. I don't question him, cling to him, or worry when he's having a bad day. I did that before, and it made him nuts. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you're worried someone's mad at you, and badger them about it, they WILL become mad at you. 6. I'm fearless. Just because he's broken up with me doesn't mean I should be afraid to speak my mind. I'm being more of myself now than ever before, and he loves who I really am when I'm not the way I described above. I recommend the above steps even if things DON'T work out with your ex. Who knows. They may not work out with mine, even though we're more or less back together, but if it's not going to work out, I want it to be because I was who I AM, not because I was acting like someone I'm not. Does that make sense? And in the meantime, I want to enjoy my life even if he isn't in it. We know we can survive without talking to each other for a few days. It just makes us miss each other more. And we know we can call each other any time we want. The less I call him, the more he calls me, and I like it just fine that way. Link to post Share on other sites
kodiak Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Sadand Lonely- First off congrats on getting back with your ex, thats always nice to hear on this forum. If you dont mind sharing what were the deatils of yoru brekup. How long apart, how long did you date for, did you guys have contact, if any? Thanks....Kodiak Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 good post. Too bad most people out there can't make the effort to at least see if things would work out. Takes some guts to do what you guys are doing and it is my opinion those who try and put importance in stuff like this get rewarded. Most people would just give up and not even think about working stuff out not because that is what they truly want but because they are scared that things may actually work. I think it is easier for humans to say stuff doesn't work because of (insert past problem here) and use that as their rationalization rather than look at the (insert problem here) from the past and understand how it happened, why it happened and put forth an effort to make sure it doesn't happen in the future. I think people are for the most part super stubborn and just can't accept that something that failed can actually work if they just look at it logically and figure out reasons why it failed the first time and correct them. Seeing all the long relationships that end for no real reason (ie no cheating and just one party needing space because they are confused but still keeping feelings for the other person) makes it seem obvious to me why the divorce rate is so high today because these same people who will end good relationships and won't try to make them work, go and get married and do the same thing with the marriage. I think too many people expect their relationshps/marriages to be rough spot/mistake free and when the s*** hits the fan they just panic and run away rather than have the balls to try and fix things. I envy couples who work through problems rather than just give up because things didn't go peachy keen like they expected. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadAndLonely Posted October 11, 2004 Author Share Posted October 11, 2004 Let me add one more step: 7. I didn't show him all my cards. Even when I was crying and miserable, if he called I pulled myself together IMMEDIATELY. No one who has broken up with you wants to see you weak and pathetic. You need to show streength, even if you have to fake it (at first), and happiness with yourself. It's like being drawn to confident people. This is basically what happened: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t47535/ And then the first time we talked, a week after the breakup: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t47720/ And a couple more: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t48122/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t48216/ Link to post Share on other sites
TZ Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 6. I'm fearless. Just because he's broken up with me doesn't mean I should be afraid to speak my mind. I'm being more of myself now than ever before, and he loves who I really am when I'm not the way I described above. Excellent advice, SadAndLonely! I guess part of the NC rule is that you do start to regain a sense of self, a sense of who you were before you met him. Now that you are fearless, it just means that you are asserting your own self being, and coming across as such without being considered cocky or pushy. You are at peace with yourself and this is what matters most and what others will admire about you and the reason they will come back to you. Keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
UnicornGirl Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 Good for you!!! It seems you are on the road to a truly loving relationship with your lover and yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts