I'm just not cut out for the whole dating thing

[MomsSpaghetti]

Never dated in high school or college, so I already have a lot of "catching up" to do. Made a few attempts to get to know women during the latter half of my college career. They ended in complete failures that wrecked my self-esteem and put me in the depressed state I'm now in. Never before had I truly felt depressed until I started trying to get a girlfriend. The fact that I'm 24 with no dating experience means that I have the emotional maturity of a 14-yr-old.

 

Here are the results of my early attempts at trying to get to know women.

 

• Girl #1: Started hanging out with her after she broke up with her boyfriend. Would take midnight walks with her and get into deep conversations. Started to like her, but then I was notified of the harsh reality that I was "not her type" and I started to research the friend zone and realized I had made myself a case study in that area.
  
• Girl #2: New coworkers who I tried to flirt with and even ask out. I cringe to even think about it.
  
• Girl #3: Met at a party. Took her to my fraternity's formal, but I soon realized that the only reason she came with me was because a lot of her girlfriends were going. She was texting other guys during the thing. I felt so pathetic that I just took the easy exit by purposely getting blacked-out drunk so I wouldn't give a ****.
  

 

Part of me wants to laugh at my failures, but it's actually sad considering my age. Unless you guys convince me otherwise, I believe that the whole dating thing is just not worth it for me at this point.

[daisybuchanan55]

Hey, chin up!!! You've had THREE experiences with girls!!

 

I think you're further ahead than a lot of guys. First of all, you were in a fraternity, which means you obviously have friends. What a huge plus! Clearly you're social, and trust me, if you can make friends, you can attract the opposite sex. Girls aren't some foreign species.

 

One word of advice...don't try asking out girls you work with. It almost never ends well. Even if you end up in a relationship you might break up and then it will be super awkward. Just don't do it.

 

You are NOT a lost cause. You just need to practice more. Everything in life takes practice. My mom's best love advice ever was to date, date, date. You've already had three experiences. Don't view them as failures. Just learn something and move on!

 

Clearly you have learned something because you are able to write a post about what went wrong.

 

Keep researching, keep practicing, keep interacting (not necessarily asking out) with girls...I promise it will start feeling more natural. In the meantime, make yourself as desirable of a candidate as possible. This means taking care of your physical and mental self.

 

You're not in as bad of a position as you think you are, trust me.

[shelbyz]

I would start by taking the label off of things. Don't think of it as "dating", but just as hanging out. Take the pressure off of finding someone to "date", and just make friends with girls.

 

I wouldn't laugh at your failures either. Some would be envious of the fact that you haven't been in a relationship... Take me for instance. I'm 26 and I've spent roughly 6 of the last 8.5 years in two different long term relationships. I invested myself wholeheartedly into both relationships, but both ended with infidelity on her part. During the course of these LTR's I lost friendships, money, time and probably a few years of life expectancy due to stress, that I will probably never get back... And lost all of that for absolutely nothing. I would trade for your situation in a heartbeat.

 

My advice would be to focus on yourself. Do some things not related to dating or girls to get your self esteem up. Work out, hang out with friends, give 150% at work, try something new, maintain or get into some new hobbies, etc. Just keep yourself busy, and don't think about dating. If you are truly happy with yourself it will show, and they will find that attractive.

 

In fact, after my first LTR ended in a complete disaster, I spent about a year trying my hardest to find girls. I ended up with a lot of situations like yours. Got stood up, discovered that some were nutcases, a couple of them decided not to tell me they had BF's until we actually went on a date... etc. Etc. I decided to stop looking and spend time on myself. I spent a lot of time making friends and hanging out with people associated with a hobby of mine and ended up unexpectedly meeting a girl through one of them. Things clicked very well between us on a simply platonic level. Eventually we both became interested in more, and ended up dating for two years.

 

Just don't worry about the whole dating thing and just focus on yourself. It'll happen eventually, I promise.

Edited June 15, 2013 by shelbyz

[MomsSpaghetti]

I would start by taking the label off of things. Don't think of it as "dating", but just as hanging out. Take the pressure off of finding someone to "date", and just make friends with girls.

 

I wouldn't laugh at your failures either. Some would be envious of the fact that you haven't been in a relationship... Take me for instance. I'm 26 and I've spent roughly 6 of the last 8.5 years in two different long term relationships. I invested myself wholeheartedly into both relationships, but both ended with infidelity on her part. During the course of these LTR's I lost friendships, money, time and probably a few years of life expectancy due to stress, that I will probably never get back... And lost all of that for absolutely nothing. I would trade for your situation in a heartbeat.

 

My advice would be to focus on yourself. Do some things not related to dating or girls to get your self esteem up. Work out, hang out with friends, give 150% at work, try something new, maintain or get into some new hobbies, etc. Just keep yourself busy, and don't think about dating. If you are truly happy with yourself it will show, and they will find that attractive.

 

In fact, after my first LTR ended in a complete disaster, I spent about a year trying my hardest to find girls. I ended up with a lot of situations like yours. Got stood up, discovered that some were nutcases, a couple of them decided not to tell me they had BF's until we actually went on a date... etc. Etc. I decided to stop looking and spend time on myself. I spent a lot of time making friends and hanging out with people associated with a hobby of mine and ended up unexpectedly meeting a girl through one of them. Things clicked very well between us on a simply platonic level. Eventually we both became interested in more, and ended up dating for two years.

 

Just don't worry about the whole dating thing and just focus on yourself. It'll happen eventually, I promise.

 

 

 

You're still better off than me. For instance, your dating experience means that you know how to initiate physical intimacy. This is something I'm expected to know how to do, since most people learn it in high school. If I knew how to playfully touch a girl and then move in to kiss her, escalate from there into making out, etcetera, I would be infinitely more confident in myself.

[daisybuchanan55]

You're still better off than me. For instance, your dating experience means that you know how to initiate physical intimacy. This is something I'm expected to know how to do, since most people learn it in high school. If I knew how to playfully touch a girl and then move in to kiss her, escalate from there into making out, etcetera, I would be infinitely more confident in myself.

 

Fake it till you make it!!!

 

I did. I was 19 before I kissed anyone. I thought I was so far behind.

 

Then I realized...no one KNOWS I've never kissed anyone.

 

I kissed someone I knew I'd never see again. I was drunk. Trust me, it was the right decision. Others may disagree but it took off the pressure and made me more confident going forward.

 

Just keep in mind, all this insecurity is all in your head. To a girl walking down the street, you could be THE MAN and have had sex/dated the hottest girl in town. NO ONE knows.

 

Operate with this mindset and you'll be getting girls in no time.

 

BTW, I suggest watching some "experts" in action. Just mimic them. Girls won't know the difference.

 

And btw, social interactions (which you've already mastered since you're in a frat) are WAY harder to learn than physical interactions.

[MomsSpaghetti]

Fake it till you make it!!!

 

I did. I was 19 before I kissed anyone. I thought I was so far behind.

 

You were, and I'm even more behind

[daisybuchanan55]

So what? The point is, no one knows!!

[mishy]

you are 24, you have SO MUCH time to get it right. I am over 40, and believe me, time is on your side. 24 is not mature anyway, you have years and years to get things right.

[carhill]

Tip: One doesn't develop emotional maturity strictly from dating. One can, however, demonstrate such maturity when dating.

 

Girls 1,2,3 noted...

 

Part of me wants to laugh at my failures, but it's actually sad considering my age. Unless you guys convince me otherwise, I believe that the whole dating thing is just not worth it for me at this point.

 

A sense of humor helps but often this only manifests in retrospect, especially when struggles are repetitive.

 

Suggestion:

 

Stick to women in the 25-30 age bracket.

 

Identify your style. If you're a 'get to know' before feeling 'like' (Lady #1), in your age bracket you will likely have challenges, simply because many/most 'jump on it' and you'll miss out, not because you're 'bad' but because, comparatively, you're 'slow'. You'll either have to learn to identify and seek out ladies with a similar style or modify yours. If other, then similar. Be clear in your mind about how you are with women.

 

Practice makes proficient. The more repetitions, the more learned and the more opportunities for success.

 

Enjoy the moment. Example with #3.... while she's texting other people, look around. Never know who you'll meet. You're not married to her. Have a good time. Women are great teachers in this regard. Watch them and learn.

 

Good luck.

[shelbyz]

You're still better off than me. For instance, your dating experience means that you know how to initiate physical intimacy. This is something I'm expected to know how to do, since most people learn it in high school. If I knew how to playfully touch a girl and then move in to kiss her, escalate from there into making out, etcetera, I would be infinitely more confident in myself.

 

I may have experience, bit I still don't know what I'm doing. I tense up on approaches and first dates just like when I was 16 or 17...

 

 

I would still trade.

[aliceinthebox]

I know what you are going through. I'm 21 and didn't have a relationship until I was 20. I didn't develop feelings for anyone until I met my ex, but when I met him it just felt right. There will be someone there that is right for you, you just gotta hold on and in the mean time try and stop worrying and work on yourself.

 

You might have been friend zoned or rejected, but who hasn't? When you fall you just gotta pick yourself back up.

[Pompeii]

if you can make friends, you can attract the opposite sex.

 

This isn't true but whatever I guess.

 

Making friends and getting girls relies on two completely separate sets of criteria.

 

I would start by taking the label off of things. Don't think of it as "dating", but just as hanging out. Take the pressure off of finding someone to "date", and just make friends with girls.

 

I wouldn't laugh at your failures either. Some would be envious of the fact that you haven't been in a relationship... Take me for instance. I'm 26 and I've spent roughly 6 of the last 8.5 years in two different long term relationships. I invested myself wholeheartedly into both relationships, but both ended with infidelity on her part. During the course of these LTR's I lost friendships, money, time and probably a few years of life expectancy due to stress, that I will probably never get back... And lost all of that for absolutely nothing. I would trade for your situation in a heartbeat.

 

My advice would be to focus on yourself. Do some things not related to dating or girls to get your self esteem up. Work out, hang out with friends, give 150% at work, try something new, maintain or get into some new hobbies, etc. Just keep yourself busy, and don't think about dating. If you are truly happy with yourself it will show, and they will find that attractive.

 

In fact, after my first LTR ended in a complete disaster, I spent about a year trying my hardest to find girls. I ended up with a lot of situations like yours. Got stood up, discovered that some were nutcases, a couple of them decided not to tell me they had BF's until we actually went on a date... etc. Etc. I decided to stop looking and spend time on myself. I spent a lot of time making friends and hanging out with people associated with a hobby of mine and ended up unexpectedly meeting a girl through one of them. Things clicked very well between us on a simply platonic level. Eventually we both became interested in more, and ended up dating for two years.

 

Just don't worry about the whole dating thing and just focus on yourself. It'll happen eventually, I promise.

 

Are you seriously saying that he's better off than someone who's dated and had sex? Pllllllease.

Edited June 17, 2013 by Pompeii

[Beast_117]

Same here, but i'm 21.I've never kissed,still a virgin, never held hands with a girl or even had a proper conversation with a girl that i wasn't related to.I don't really care anymore at all though.Can't believe i used beat myself up over this.

[shelbyz]

This isn't true but whatever I guess.

 

Making friends and getting girls relies on two completely separate sets of criteria.

 

 

 

Are you seriously saying that he's better off than someone who's dated and had sex? Pllllllease.

 

No. I merely stated that some may be envious. At this point in my life, I kinda wish I hand't gotten in any relationships and had just focused on myself. Sex isn't really a big deal to me, so I could take it or leave it.