Decency in Dating

[NoMoreJerks]

If you have casual sex like that right off the bat the guy has no reason to believe you are not okay with getting booty-called.

I fail to see the logic behind that. If he were originally interested in more than sex, he would have wanted to find out more about me, and not suggested having sex. After he asked what I wanted to do after the dinner, I asked him what HE wanted to do, and he wanted to go back to mine to "watch" Blade Runner. I knew that that's all that he'd wanted. I mean, a guy who was interested in more than sex, would never have suggested that, and then assumed things about the woman if she said OK to HIS suggestion. I really do not think a guy interested in more than sex would've acted that way. So this is not a case of him booty-calling me because I had sex with him so soon. He would've bootycalled me regardless....

[ltjg45]

I met the guy while I was having dinner in a pub. It was 7 pm. He gave me his number, and after I sent him a text to let him know my number, he set up a date. I went on the date, turned out he wanted sex, so I obliged, and no, I didn't get pissed off at the fact that all he wanted was sex? I did have a beef with him trying to do booty calls at 11pm, though. That's all. I didn't mind the sex. Probably the best sex I've ever had.

 

Man, women like you really do make me feel worthless.

 

If I ever go on a date with another woman, regardless of her attractiveness, I wouldn't even have the thought of mentioning to having sex with her that soon. After all, I'm going on a date with her because I have enough interest in said woman and want to know more about her, not because I want to bang her ASAP.

 

And, yet, when guys do this, they seemingly have a high chance of getting it despite they are really just a bunch of selfish horny jerks while I run a high chance of being pushed aside because I didn't engage quick enough.

[NoMoreJerks]

I wouldn't date you and it's not because that you've had a ONS. It's that you play right into the hands of a jerk.

How so? I went on the dinner date because I wanted to find out what he was all about. I don't mind having ONS, and we had that good sexual chemistry so I thought I would go back with him since at that point there was nothing to lose, was there? It was him who kept messaging me after that, and wanting to continue having sex with me. I would have preferred to delete his number and forget all about him. The less I know about someone I am having a ONS with, and the fewer means I have to contact him (and him, me), the better.

[NoMoreJerks]

Man, women like you really do make me feel worthless.

 

If I ever go on a date with another woman, regardless of her attractiveness, I wouldn't even have the thought of mentioning to having sex with her that soon. After all, I'm going on a date with her because I have enough interest in said woman and want to know more about her, not because I want to bang her ASAP.

 

And, yet, when guys do this, they seemingly have a high chance of getting it despite they are really just a bunch of selfish horny jerks while I run a high chance of being pushed aside because I didn't engage quick enough.

Well, remember, I would not have a relationship with this guy, EVER. Or bang him again. If that is what you are looking for, you should act like that guy did.... i only banged him because I knew there was nothing to lose, since he was only interested in sex, and I was up for a ONS. it doesn't mean I would ever consider having a relationship with him, if he even practically begged me to...

[eastcoastgirl88]

Man, women like you really do make me feel worthless.

 

If I ever go on a date with another woman, regardless of her attractiveness, I wouldn't even have the thought of mentioning to having sex with her that soon. After all, I'm going on a date with her because I have enough interest in said woman and want to know more about her, not because I want to bang her ASAP.

 

And, yet, when guys do this, they seemingly have a high chance of getting it despite they are really just a bunch of selfish horny jerks while I run a high chance of being pushed aside because I didn't engage quick enough.

 

It's because confidence is attractive. This guy was cocky and unfortunately for all the "nice guys" cocky works.

 

As for OP, I disagree. Plenty of cocky, confident guys will try to get as far as possible on a first date just to test the boundaries. They may be interested in you and they might not. You just have to be okay with potentially never hearing from them again if you do decide to have sex.

[NoMoreJerks]

Anyway, I have no problems having sex with a guy on a first date. I don't think it should mean I am slutty or I should get booty called because of it. If we click, and there's sexual chemistry , I don't see the problem.

[ltjg45]

Well, remember, I would not have a relationship with this guy, EVER. Or bang him again. If that is what you are looking for, you should act like that guy did.... i only banged him because I knew there was nothing to lose, since he was only interested in sex, and I was up for a ONS. it doesn't mean I would ever consider having a relationship with him, if he even practically begged me to...

 

However, he did get banged once by you. Multiply that by however many women he got that done with and he has achieved quite a bit of dating success, even if he only did it just to get his groove on.

 

That's far more than I accomplished. I have more issues trying to get the women in question interested in me and yet these guys can whisk you off to bed and bang you in the matter of hours.

 

While what he did will never get a quality partner by his side, I can't say that I wish I got some form of success that he is tasting right now.

[NoMoreJerks]

As for OP, I disagree. Plenty of cocky, confident guys will try to get as far as possible on a first date just to test the boundaries. They may be interested in you and they might not. You just have to be okay with potentially never hearing from them again if you do decide to have sex.

Nah. It's not that. He texted me something about having a hot bath the night before. I ignored it. I thought it may have been a slip-up / drunken text/etc. He then called me 2 hours later, but I didnt pick up. After which he left a voice mssg and set up a dinner date. I don't think he really was interested in more than banging me, to be honest... A guy who suggests sex on the first date, just to test my boundaries, is a douchebag and I would not want to have anything to do with him.

[NoMoreJerks]

However, he did get banged once by you. Multiply that by however many women he got that done with and he has achieved quite a bit of dating success, even if he only did it just to get his groove on.

SO? If your purpose is to JUST get laid, then go ahead and do that.. are you really looking for a relationship, or for getting your groove on? I am not catching the drift here. The only reason I had sex with him was because I am into ONS. Plenty of women who would never do a ONS, would never have had sex with him and would probably have slapped him and left the restaurant... It doesn't mean a thing. I realized he was only up for sex, and I was up for only sex, and we had sex.. If you are into that sort of thing, rather than a relationship, go right ahead. I don't recommend it, however, as a way to get into a relationship, unless you know the woman is open-minded about having sex on the first night.

 

That's far more than I accomplished. I have more issues trying to get the women in question interested in me and yet these guys can whisk you off to bed and bang you in the matter of hours.

Because you are looking for different things.

[ltjg45]

It's because confidence is attractive. This guy was cocky and unfortunately for all the "nice guys" cocky works.

 

I can understand confidence.....but cocky? I would think women won't deal with males who is cocky but, apparently, that is completely not the case.

 

I'm certainly not going to try and be cocky just to attract women that I wouldn't marry anyway so I guess I got that going for me, I suppose.

[NoMoreJerks]

I guess I just value sex in a different way. ive dated women who had wild pasts but years ago cooled down, but the kind of woman who currently desires to have sex with and then forget about a guy, no way, even if you are off a magazine cover.

I value sex in multiple ways. I can't say I've had sex with an intimate partner who was genuinely interested in me, but I do value that and know how it's different than sex on a one night stand. But it doesn't mean I can't enjoy ONS sex just because I am looking for sex in the context of a serious relationship.

[ltjg45]

SO? If your purpose is to JUST get laid, then go ahead and do that.. are you really looking for a relationship, or for getting your groove on? I am not catching the drift here. The only reason I had sex with him was because I am into ONS. Plenty of women who would never do a ONS, would never have had sex with him and would probably have slapped him and left the restaurant... It doesn't mean a thing. I realized he was only up for sex, and I was up for only sex, and we had sex.. If you are into that sort of thing, rather than a relationship, go right ahead. I don't recommend it, however, as a way to get into a relationship, unless you know the woman is open-minded about having sex on the first night.

 

Hmm....I didn't see that part.

 

That does changes things. My apologies.

 

Because you are looking for different things.

 

Apparently. I'm looking for a relationship however I'm looking for more than that. An actual relationship with a woman who considers me as her equal so my barriers to even approaching a woman is even higher than normal since I already got burned once.

 

As for sex, really.....I don't know how I feel about it right now. I'm still a virgin at the age of 26 and I don't feel like I need sex anytime soon, if at all. Now I'm starting to think like a woman in a way in that if I don't start experiencing sex in some way, I will be so turned off by it to the point where if I did find a woman that I do want, I wouldn't have the urges to sleep with her despite I'm very attracted to her.

[NoMoreJerks]

but it turns off relationship minded guys and some guys are going to ask.

But I thought it was none of their business where my p*ssy has been just as it is none of my business what has been getting them hard. I mean, i wouldn't ask a guy about past relationships or sexual experiences, until we were in a committed relationship. The past is past. I don't appreciate some guys' holier-than-thou attitude. I think it's more an ego thing than anything, to be honest. Guys want a girl to have slept with as few men as possible because they don't want her to have the sexual experience that allows her to realize that he is not so good in bed, or that some other dude was better than him at giving her orgasms. WHy do I care who a guy banged before he met me ? It's none of my business, is it? As for who he gets aroused by and bangs while in a committed relationship with me, then yes, that IS my business.

 

So. Bottom line: if a guy wants to keep dating me, he better not pop that question. If he does, I will tell him the truth, and he can go **** himself if he doesn't like it?

[NoMoreJerks]

then don't claim to want decency at the same time. sleep with the arrogant cocky pricks all you want, but don't be surprised with you meet a decent guy and he runs from you when he finds out you slept with a prick right before. to each their own.

I want decency when I go on a date. I don't expect decency when I meet someone for a ONS. I expect respect , interest, and appreciation -- if a guy is unwilling to give me those, he should not expect to get into a relationship with me. This is why I do not do online dating, because most people on it treat women like objects on conveyor belts (women do the same to men, probably). Some way to make a woman feel special!

[NoMoreJerks]

get laid as much as your heart desires, but don't go on and on and on about how 99 percent of guys are jerks. you go out of your way to attract and accomodate them. this all confirms year circle is different than mine.

Except that I don't want to be in a relationship with the jerks and never expected to be? I mean, this guy, he turned me off right from the get-go, to be honest.. after I sent him a text to let him know my number, he texted me that he was tired, and that he was going to take a hot bath.. ok?? TOO MUCH INFORMATION for someone I had just met??!?! Anyway, I didn't want to be a prude, and wanted to have a fun time, so when he did ask me out that night (I didn't check my mssg until the following morning because I did not expect him to want to ask me out anyway), I went along with it and thought I'd see what this was all about. It would've been great if he had been after more than sex, because we really had similar interests and clicked quite well, but he wasn't. So OK, I had sex with him, but how did I accommodate him? It's not like I gave him what he wanted and didn't get anything in return. I *wanted* sex with him, but I would've preferred if it had been in the context of dating (or later on when we were in a relationship).. In no way do I go out of my way to attract them. In fact, I dress conservatively ALL the time, even on a night out late at night, at the bar. I really wear mostly jeans and a non-revealing top. I sit there and have a drink or have dinner, and get hit on constantly.I've even been hit on when with a girlfriend. It's not my problem if most guys are just after sex and think with their d*cks. I can choose to have a ONS with a few, if I am sufficiently attracted to them and they are not disrespectful. But that's all that's going to come out of it.

[ltjg45]

But I thought it was none of their business where my p*ssy has been just as it is none of my business what has been getting them hard. I mean, i wouldn't ask a guy about past relationships or sexual experiences, until we were in a committed relationship. The past is past. I don't appreciate some guys' holier-than-thou attitude. I think it's more an ego thing than anything, to be honest. Guys want a girl to have slept with as few men as possible because they don't want her to have the sexual experience that allows her to realize that he is not so good in bed, or that some other dude was better than him at giving her orgasms. WHy do I care who a guy banged before he met me ? It's none of my business, is it? As for who he gets aroused by and bangs while in a committed relationship with me, then yes, that IS my business.

 

So. Bottom line: if a guy wants to keep dating me, he better not pop that question. If he does, I will tell him the truth, and he can go **** himself if he doesn't like it?

 

This is why I don't ask the question.....unless it is for medical reasons like if you have an STD, for example.

 

And if I were to ask that question, I will tell you my sexual history (which is none) if you wanted to know the same thing from me.

 

Fair is fair, isn't it?

[NoMoreJerks]

decency isn't a switch to be turned on and off. if a person isn't decent they don't belong in my life in any meaningful way and I wouldn't even entertain the tought of stinking my thing into a girl who isn't decent.

Oh, so you are looking for a virgin then, are you? Good to know....

[NoMoreJerks]

This is why I don't ask the question.....unless it is for medical reasons like if you have an STD, for example.

 

And if I were to ask that question, I will tell you my sexual history (which is none) if you wanted to know the same thing from me.

 

Fair is fair, isn't it?

Yes, I agree. It's only fair. But it'd be a bit off-putting if a guy asks me about my sexual experiences when we are dating. I don't like to talk about sex, in particular. It's not my favourite topic to have a face-to-face conversation on, with someone, particularly someone who I might get involved with romantically/sexually. I mean, it's not like you are expecting to have sex with a virgin, right? So she will definitely have had experiences, be it in the context of having had sex with guys she's dated, or guys she's been in a relationship with, or ONS. If people are not happy with a woman who has had sexual experience, they should really announce that non-virgins need not "apply" to date him. It's the decent thing to do: make your expectations known from the start, if you have such stringent conditions.

Edited June 15, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Mme. Chaucer]

lol, no thanks, I've had enough guys drool over me (almost literally) and grind against me.

 

Drunk guys in dank bars. They are not a valid measuring tool for either your irresistibleness, or men in general. I'm sure those guys might as well have been drooling from intoxication and grinding on a lamp post.

 

I'm not disputing your frequent claims of extreme beauty, but you go on and on about it so often that I do have my doubts. Even if you are, as you seem to believe, one of the most gorgeous female specimens on the planet, you know that other knock-out hot women are able to have plenty of close women friends and to participate in social events with married as well as unmarried people … right?

 

Your self-professed desirability really is not the reason for your overwhelming loneliness and bitterness.

 

And, no way are you "fun" to be with for anyone. It's not just you, NMJ, but I completely disbelieve everyone on this forum who's been a "regular" who claims that the character and personality they come here with is impossible to discern in real life. That's bogus. You can't completely hide who you really are.

 

Are you able to realize even one thing about what YOU bring to life that might be contributing to your absolute misery?

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

Gimme a fkin break. If a guy likes you, he's not interested in other girls.

 

You expect an Insta relationship. You practically consider guys you meet once to be your bf like they already need to be exclusive to you.

 

Also, you've been very vocal about your stance that some guys are only "ONS material" for you, while others are "relationship material."

 

Well, sadly for all of us, they don't always match. Looks like the "relationship material" guys so far have not seen you in the same way.

 

It happens to everyone, and especially women, I think, but you do it yourself. A lot. If it's OK to categorize men as acceptable for desperate sex but nothing further, shouldn't it be fine for them to categorize women and YOU the same way? When men do it, they're a walking wiener, but when you do it all's good?

 

Why do you go on and on and on about unfair double standards? You are a supreme offender in that department.

[xxoo]

Anyway, I have no problems having sex with a guy on a first date. I don't think it should mean I am slutty or I should get booty called because of it. If we click, and there's sexual chemistry , I don't see the problem.

 

If you click and there's sexual chemistry, why wouldn't he booty call you?

 

What is it you want in the end. Is it a string of ONS? Is it to have sex while avoiding hurt? Is it to make yourself feel better after being cheated on? Is it to meet a decent man and have a relationship? Maybe marry and have kids?

 

Do you think you are making good choices to reach your goals?

 

More importantly, if you are looking to avoid "jerks", why do you go to bed with men who are openly seedy? Do you know how to meet and identify a good man? Are you attracted to good men?

[Mme. Chaucer]

The beef I have is with people who line up dates with multiple people before even going on a date with the first person in line.. and then they take their pick. It's degrading.. to them as well as to the people they are going out with, regardless of where in the queue one is. Why not just go on a date, decide you don't like someone, and set up a date with someone else THEN?

 

Because dating is traditionally supposed to be an enjoyable social activity where people are getting to know each other. We don't have to concentrate on the first one we meet until we know for sure we want to go on as two, or bail.

 

As long as nobody's misleading the other one or commitments made, what's the problem.

 

And a guy being okay with having sex with a woman because she's clearly available for it does not count as "misleading," even if SHE was interested in more.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I mean, this guy, he turned me off right from the get-go, to be honest..

 

Then how can you say you went out with him with the idea that you were starting a relationship from that point??

 

he was tired, and that he was going to take a hot bath.. ok?? TOO MUCH INFORMATION for someone I had just met??!?! Anyway

,

 

What? Taking a bath is TMI and offensive when you've just met, and having sex is not?

 

Nonsense.

 

It would've been great if he had been after more than sex, because we really had similar interests and clicked quite well, but he wasn't. So OK, I had sex with him, but how did I accommodate him? I

 

How do you KNOW what he was "after." From the sound of it, he was "after" a nice evening. When he realized you were DTF, why not go for it, if he was horny?

 

You keep changing your story about how all of this crap YOU do affects you. One moment you're all cavalier and ready to have sex with a different guy from the bar every night, happily. The next moment all those potential sex partners are douchebags.

 

And I still don't understand how a guy you like for MORE than sex is obligated to like YOU for more than sex. If you're gonna have sex with a stranger, you have no idea what he will do tomorrow. All sex with strangers is basically the same deal - pretty much just what it is at that moment.

 

If you do it, you're a participant.

[NoMoreJerks]

If you click and there's sexual chemistry, why wouldn't he booty call you?

Well, he could, but that says a lot about him, doesn't it? If he's the type of guy who thinks I am booty call material just because I had sex with him (which he wanted) after our date, well, that DOES say a lot about him! I mean, he can feel free to booty call me, but I "lost" his number. He should get the hint, but he isn't, clearly. Talk about desperate...

 

What is it you want in the end. Is it a string of ONS? Is it to have sex while avoiding hurt? Is it to make yourself feel better after being cheated on? Is it to meet a decent man and have a relationship? Maybe marry and have kids?

I'd like to have a relationship, but the odds of that happening are slim, given the city I live in, and the fact that men here appear to be on bromide. The only ones who are remotely approachable are men who aren't from here, and not just in bars. You can just tell them apart from the rest of the male population in this city. Anyway, since I cannot find a decent enough man who would also be interested in me, I'd like to keep my options open, and get some of the sexual experience/satisfaction that I never managed to get since I've never been in a relationship before (well, one, but that was a pseudo-relationship with a guy who never satisfied me sexually). I'd like to know what's out there, and not marry the next guy who comes along even though he might be a selfish prick in bed (and in life). (despite the fact that men would like a sexually inexperienced woman as that suits their ego better).

 

Do you think you are making good choices to reach your goals?

Why not? I don't see what I am doing that takes away from the possibility of having a relationship. There just aren't guys who are interested. I've even tried online dating... So, I mean, what AM I supposed to do to have a man interested in me, who doesn't know me in the first place (nor about my sexual experiences)? The first thing people naturally go by, is looks. They are interested in that, as far as I can see, but not in getting to know me further. It's not necessarily the case that they are not looking for a relationship either, but they probably think a pretty and hot girl would have had no trouble being f*cked by many men, and so might assume the worst about me.

 

Do you know how to meet and identify a good man? Are you attracted to good men?

Nope, I don't know how to meet them, because the ones that are supposedly good are on bromide and would not approach me. If I do approach them, I become "that sleazy/desperate girl who tried to pick me up". So what am I supposed to do? Sit around and wait for a guy to ask my parents' permission to marry me? ... Maybe that is how things work in Montreal. That might actually explain a lot of things. So anyway, in the meantime, I am not going to go sexless and sexually frustrated because men don't have the balls or the sufficient interest to approach me. Whatever! Edited June 15, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

Now it's men don't have the balls to approach you. what if an average or below average looking guy dared approach you?

Well, I wouldn't mind it, I'd be flattered and would like to get to know him. In fact, the men I tend to be interested in, are always average or slightly below average. I tend to get attracted more to their interests, ability to converse, keep me entertained and make me laugh, than their drop-dead gorgeous face/body.